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How to give “the talk” to your daughter’s boyfriends

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So what should dads say to the boys who want to date their daughter? Carl Beech of CVM has some experience he wants to share….

—This is article #77 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

A lot of men have asked me to write down my thoughts on the approach I take to my teenage girls discovery of “boys”. So here it is. My guide to handling your daughter’s boyfriend without needing to get a shotgun license…

In the build up to facing what is every Dad’s worst nightmare, I asked a few people I knew what they had done when a testosterone laden, hormonally driven, sex crazed teenage boy turned up on the doorstep to take their daughter out.

(Note to any women reading this:- no this isn’t a stereotype and I’m not being shallow or over the top. I was a teenage lad once. I know what was on my mind and it wasn’t a game of charades or shopping).

Mostly people told me that they wanted to try and be the teenage boys friend. FRIEND?!?! WHAT?!?! I don’t want to be his friend. I want to be inside his head with a sense of Godly unpredictable menace. I want him to think of me when his hormones are telling him to do things that he really shouldn’t be doing. I also want him to think about things other than sex. Such as being caring, tender, honoring and respectful. So, as with all good Dad skills, I decided to head off “tango one” at the pass.

(Tango one being the code word for any boyfriend. For those that don’t know what Im on about, its a NATO style designation for a target).

Firstly, I sat down with both my girls and said the following:-

“I know you are interested in boys but I want to say something now because I love you very much and my job is to protect you and care for you…even if that means you don’t always like what I say. In fact, because I love you, I’m prepared to say and do things that wont always make me popular with you, but one day you’ll understand. If theres a boy you want to go out with, I just want you to ask yourself a few questions:-”

1) Will he treat you better than I treat you? (tip here is to set an impossibly high and expensive standard.

2) Will he put you first and think of you when you are out with friends.

3) Will he draw you closer to Jesus (My girls are believers)

4)  I want to have a pep talk with him that will stay between me and him unless he tells you what I said.

My girls thought this was awesome. Yes really! In fact, my wife Karen said that the girls felt loved and secure because of this chat. Daughters need to know that their Dads care and are involved.

So, the big question is, what do I say to Tango 1? Well. here it is:-

“Tango 1, thanks for coming for a chat. I just wanted you to know how precious my daughter is to me… I mean she is really precious and I love her more than I can explain to you. So with that in mind (and please keep that in mind) heres some things that I wanted to say to you;

When you go out, please treat my daughter with respect. Please honour her and put her first. Make sure she is happy and safe.

Please don’t get her to do anything she isn’t happy with..and if she says no to something…please bear in mind that she should only need to say that once and Ive asked her to tell me if you don’t listen to her or upset her because its my job to make sure she is safe and happy and I take that job more seriously than nearly everything else in my life.

Honour and respect are really important values in our family…so if I say my daughter has to be home at 6pm, what time does she need to be home? (Note that 6pm is the right answer technically speaking but the wrong answer from a Dad perspective. 5.55pm is the right answer as this means he is being wise and respecting the time request).

Oh and theres one last thing. Please don’t put your hands anywhere on my daughter where I wouldn’t place my hands. Thanks”.

So whats been the result? When theres been an issue we talk about it. My daughters boyfriend has popped round for a chat when we’ve been unhappy about something. The air is kept clear and my daughters feel safe and we all get on great. So far so good. But if it all goes wrong, they know they can talk to me because I wont and don’t go off the deep end. The boundaries are set but the dialogue is ongoing and constant.

All the best fellas… its a tough gig.

—Picture credit: istolethetv

Carl Beech heads up Christian Vision for Men (CVM), an international evangelistic men’s movement which you can find on twitter @cvmen. You can also find Carl on twitter @carlfbeech.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

  • Darren Ball

    Other than your perfectly reasonable desire to protect your daughters from sexual predators, the remainder of your advice is alarmingly controlling; it denies your daughters their own moral agency, absolves them from their own responsibilities and encourages them to expect financially generous submissive men in an unequal relationship.

    I advise my son to expect reciprocal relationships: the more you put in, the more you should receive. You will not find this with an entitlement princess who has been spoilt by her father and told to expect that her needs always come first and who expects financial generosity but takes no responsibility for her own actions. If you want your daughter home by 6.00, tell your daughter to be home by 6.00.

    Provided that your daughters are over the age of consent, whether or not your daughters’ boyfriends are allowed to touch them where you wouldn’t is for your daughters’ to decide, and not for you. You don’t get to control their sex life.

    Neither do you have the right to limit their pool of dating to the dwindling number of men who are Christian.

  • Nigel

    I have two sons an a daughter. I ‘m with you Darren. I thought this piece was humorous, the ” musings of a neurotic dad” sort of thing. Just read it again and am now worried !

  • drex johnson

    Much respect to a father who is prepared to do his duty regards his kids beyond what the state would limit him too.. However, haha! you might just be scaring some good men away.
    Indeed many may well follow the example of my eldest son who was told by the super athletic father of his now wife that until he could beat him in a bike race he needed to back off as it where.. Not a problem to my son, who beat pretty much everyone in all the local races on foot or bikes.. They get on very well now of course, but prior to “the talk” my son had already done pretty much all a dad might fear with the young lady anyway!
    Dads are regarded as a “hazard” that can be easily worked around by courting couples.. Indeed, I have been there myself.. Well, kinda, he was her stepfather.. My first wife said to me “just let him have his say.. it means nothing to me..”.

    My own policy regards my daughters, good luck to any male who can handle them, they are strong minded young ladies! I prefer to see good in men, but would not hesitate to tell them if I don’t like who they are dealing with.. (Only ever happened once with a son of mine, and he didn’t speak to me for years after that!)..