insideMAN

Celebrating masculinity: Men, do not check your privilege

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Last week we published an article by Chris Good, one of the brilliant contributors to our book, exploring why he finds it so difficult to simply celebrate being a man. Here Karen Woodall, a research practitioner working with separated families and another of the writers in our book, gives her own perspective on the question: “Why is it so difficult to celebrate being a man?”

London Pride Week is coming up and everywhere there will be opportunities to be proud. Unless you are a heterosexual man that is. For straight, white cis-gender men, the only thing you can do is “check your privilege” because being born “that” way, it seems, is something only to be ashamed of. And we wonder why boys cannot think of anything good about being a man?

What’s great about BEING a man I cannot say because I am a woman. But I observe how difficult it is for so many men to say how great it is to be a man because women have drilled the capacity for pride out of them, (unless of course they are skirt or dress-wearing warriors, in which case they are the epitome of masculinity for some).

In today’s world, showing off masculine achievements, drawing on the years of brilliance, tenacity and sheer muscle power that have brought us to the technological age we live in today, is a no-go for many men. For me that is one of the greatest damages we have done to men and boys; we have robbed them of their lineage and removed their ability to draw on their historical roots and feel inherent pride at what it is to be other than a woman.

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For me the world turns as it does because of men and what they have done. I recognise this as I drive my car, fly in an aeroplane, wait to enter the Blackwall Tunnel, read about life-saving technology, watch the fire engine fly by to rescue people in danger or look at the power and the grace of footballers. (I am sorry but no matter how good a woman is at football she will never match the sheer beauty and flow of men playing football — perhaps because all those things about football were designed to draw on the inherent physical abilities of men – not women).

Without men there would be none of the strides forward in drainage, sewerage, buildings that tower into the sky, technology that enters the body and mends it in carefully designed attacks on cancer and other life threatening diseases. And before anyone starts with the oft used ‘yes but that’s because women have been held back from doing those things‘, let’s just take a look at what that repetitive attitude does to boys.

I work with boys a lot. I work with them in vulnerable situations where there self esteem is low and their anxiety is high. I hear how difficult it is for these boys to speak with pride about who they are and who they are going to grow up to be. From home to school to the outside world boys are subjected to messages that they are either not as good as girls, or that girls are just as good as they are. Not for boys the motivational messages that are given to girls, not for boys the ability to draw upon strong role models or pride about the achievements of their ancestors.

Boys have lost the ability to be proud of themselves just for being born a boy. Masculinity has been derided, deconstructed, decapitated and destroyed by the rise and rise of the empowered woman. Boys, once seen as the future of the family line, are now prey to all manner of efforts to make them as much like girls as possible in order to a) check their inherent privilege and b) give the girls a better chance.

Why’s it so difficult to celebrate being a man?

What we have done to boys and to men in the process is rob them of their right to be proud of who they are simply for existing. It is as cruel a fate as any designer of a future feminist society could bestow upon them. Pity our little boys, for castration of their male pride starts on the day that they are born and follows them into manhood where they struggle to be able to recognise — never mind celebrate — what a wonderful thing it is to be a man.

When I watch men with their children I see them encouraging them, pushing them, making development possible, I watch them standing back and giving space and instruction and guidance and assurance ‘you can do it, go on, try again’…I watch men educating, advising, explaining, fixing, mending, playing and being in the moment. All of which are continuously ridiculed or negated by women who say repeatedly “yes well women can do that too,” a tired refrain which to my mind is designed these days to stop men being able to draw upon their collective achievements and experience pride in being a man.

We are allowed to be proud of just about everyone on the planet but we are not allowed to be proud of men and boys. And we wonder why men cannot easily say what is great about being a man. For me, I am utterly proud of men and boys, proud of my husband, my son and my grandson, they are wonderful, mysterious beings who live a different life to mine but one which complements it, supports it and graces it with their difference. They are half of the human race, they hold up half of the sky and without men and boys, I would not be here, now, sharing these thoughts on a computer.

My fight, is to help men and boys to restore the pride in the soul of their manhood and to enable them to reconnect to all the wondrous things that masculinity in all of its forms brings to our planet.

Because I am grateful to men for their historical achievements, for the selflessness and the sacrifice as well as the soaring risks that have brought great strides forward in the world. All of which are spurs to action and inspiration for the boys who will be men one day and all of which are things for us all, but especially men, to be utterly and unshamedly, proud of.

By Karen Woodall

Karen is a writer, research and practitioner working with families affected by Parental Alienation. She describes herself as a “recovering feminist” and is a fierce critic of current approaches to handling family separation and attracts a passionate international following at her personal blog.

Photo: Billy Bob Bain

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  • tomthumb015

    Wow! just wow, so much negative portrayal of men in the media, its like so refreshing to read a positive article about men. Actually I think alot of men are waking up to the media’s very negative portrayal of men. There is a growing anti feminist trend, especially on twitter.
    People say why are there not more men involved teaching? why do you think? we as men have been systematically hounded out of teaching and working with kids. Divorced fathers completely ostracised from their children by the female biased courts system.

    • karenwoodall

      Men into teaching, men into nurseries, men into childcare, men into all the places that children are as well as all the places that they traditionally are. Men who have choices, as many as possible. That’s a free world, that’s a fair and just world.

  • Rick Bradford

    Bless you, Karen

    • karenwoodall

      Thank you Rick, bless you too ?

  • http://www.goldenleafcounselling.com Jennie C-K

    I am with you 100% Karen. I celebrate men for being different to women – and LONG MAY IT CONTINUE!!!!

    • karenwoodall

      Difference, it is what makes the world dance isn’t it? We are all different in whatever guise we play out our lives, those differences that we should be celebrating are the stuff of life itself in my experience.

  • BeardedBowtieGuy

    I enjoyed your article. A positive identity is essential for well being, but to say I’m proud to be a man runs the risk of being mocked, or in some cases even anti-woman.

    You wrote, “Masculinity has been derided, deconstructed, decapitated and destroyed by the rise and rise of the empowered woman.”

    Yet, it didn’t have to be that way. The upside is that it can change (though it’s long slog), and I’m thankful for all the work you’re doing for this.

    • karenwoodall

      How grim a world we have created that to be proud of being a man can be seen as anti-woman. What a false war, what a cooked up bun fight and you are so right, it really did not have to be this way. I hope others will join as women begin the process of unravelling the brain washing.

  • Paul Mills

    Thanks for writing this karen. For me the solution is in how men respond to this astounding situation by what they do and how they portray themselves in their day to day existence. I often actively challenge situations where I see and hear men and/or boys being put down for being so. A recent good example was a couple of assertive mums challenging their daughters to do better than the boys, saying girls win every time…. . It’s great that there are lots of people actively seeking to create a world where both genders are of equal value – I just wish more would realise that castrating one of them won’t do it!

    The schools things is so real. I am a time served special needs teacher and have repeatedly tried to get into our local primary to do some voluntary work with the kids – and each time it somehow comes to nought; despite frequent frustrations of lack of classroom support. The staff group are all female, and in 9 of 10 situations it’s mum’s who get into the classroom – the only exceptions being cycling proficiency (the local qualified parent is a male cyclist) and a couple of ‘laughed at’ type roles in a school play. However, I am ‘allowed’ to clear the overgrown garden, sweep the playground and work actively to raise money via the PTA…. and at the last meeting we were discussing paying for a class helper for 15 hours a week…. . Luckily our kids have lots of active Men and Dads in the outside community; last night was boat club – and there were 9 dads 4 mums, and a whole lot of none sailing parents, all doing there bit together and so, more than 40 children – of both genders – had a great time.

  • karenwoodall

    I think that line, ‘I just wish more would realise that castrating one of them won’t do it…’ that’s it for me, if we have to castrate boys in order to make girls feel better or do better (or make their mother’s feel better) what kind of a world are we creating for our children? It feels incredibly sad to me to see people telling girls they are strong, capable, powerful and so on whilst the boys stand by and get nothing or worse, they are diminished in their sense of self. Girls AND boys need motivational messages, they both need to know they can be anything they want to be, they both need to feel valued, loved and appreciated on the planet just the way they are.

    • Czarny kapturek

      I agree with that. I was given lines like “boys are made of slugs and snails”.

  • Frank Jude Boccio

    As a man, I can only say this is such bs. If any man doesn’t feel proud of himself and for being a man, it’s no woman’s fault. “Recovering feminist?!” That’s like saying “Recovering abolitionist,” nothing to be proud of!

    • karenwoodall

      I hear your anger Frank, bless you for being that man!

  • Groan

    A lovely piece and one with much to think about. One part of is appears to be a result of the comfort we have generally in our society, forgetting that this required and still requires work. Although their are campaigns of celebration for women these ring hollow (particularly the STEM stuff orchestrated by arts graduates or the current campaigns to get females into sports). There appears a really strong socialisation based on creating barriers for males in order to strengthen them, one can see this in the research from babies crying to treatment of men in work. Feminists appear to have simply adopted this “man up” and amplified it. They appear to miss the obvious. That the agents of this socialisation are in fact females (almost exclusively so for babies and infants). That it is effective for the majority of males in developing the traits that appear to give them “advantages” (though also damaging for a significant minority) . That this actually accentuates the difference in giving girls and women extensive help and exaggerated praise. Undermining campaigns that look “token” as a result. But also creating more reliance on help and praise and undermining resilience and confidence in girls and women. In my experience young men in particular appear well aware that educational institutions and other branches of public authority are much harsher toward males and once beyond their clutches get on with life. It is when they get enmeshed again that they experience once more the toxic attitudes towards them. In effect the real damage done overall is to the idea of cooperation partnership etc. by creating a notion of competitive classes. For after all the primary beneficiaries of confident grafting men valuing their roles and feeling valued are their female partners and children. I await with interest the ocean of “where are all the good men/why won’t men commit?” stuff having the lightbulb moment. That decades of trashing the roles and virtues encapsulated by “husband” may make it pretty unattractive. In my youth being a good husband and “family man” were very explicitly things to aspire to. Not so now. But here’s the thing, overall men can and do find lots of ways to build their confidence and feelings of worth (sport, work, volunteering, relationships, local leadership, in fact much more varied ways than do women). Yet time and again all the research and experience indicates women are much more narrowly focussed on relationships and family. I don’t for one minute want to minimise the damage done to boys and men (indeed some of my working life is to deal with this) but generally here in the north west I think you’d find generally men fully aware of the nonsense and feeling good(ish) . The ones miserable , needing support(a strange catch all term) ,validation, praise, commitment, new shoes to feel good about themselves “a man”. Well they are the women. I wonder how long it takes for the penny to drop , that a good way to encourage “commitment” (code for marriage however informal) might be to value the role and the man.

  • http://www.theskirtedman.eu Jeremy Hutchinson

    I agree men do suffer discrimination in many aspects of life and that society as well as the media do denegrade the male gender with comparison to women. It highlights mens misdemeanors in preference to women, it puts women on pedastols in preference to men. Mens issues like DV, sexual assault, suicide etc do not carry the same weight as women even though in the UK in 2013 men incurred 3.2% of crime as opposed
    to 1.9% for women and 1 in 6 men suffer DV while for women it is 1 in 4. I agree another discrimination is motivation for girls and women and not for boys and men. There are many other examples.

    I agree this can make men not have pride in themselves and feel dejected but I do strongly believe that men are their own worst enemy at times. There is nothing wrong with being a man or showing masculinity, it is
    how it is done. Men should be proud of what they have to offer in an era of equality where all have opportunities within life not just for one gender. Take issue when some in society questions them but be positive, proud and proactive with themselves in the face of such opposition. This new era upon us is equality, therefore team work respect of each gender is important and men must be proactive in this ethos, verbally, practically and mentally. They should speak out loudly and confidently not just as individuals but as a group for all mens discrimination and qualities. I do mean all even if one does not agree or understand. Women had to do it, and now men must do the same.

    The world has changed throughout the centuries and it never goes back. Both genders have needed to adapt each time. The Industrial Revolution threw a huge change in gender perceptions and I feel that the Victorian era did a lot of damage for gender expectations. Both the end of World Wars changed society and again both genders needed to adapt.

    I am a big believer in true equality and I firmly believe that both genders if they have the ability, strength and intellect can do whatever they want in life and society. The era has gone when this is a mans expectation and this is a womans expectation. Many in both genders have adjusted, others need to. Some in the male gender need to acknowledge this and some in the female gender need to show respect to their fellow male counterparts as an equal team member drawing on each other attributes.

    Your article to me reads that you expect men to have and retain the hunter gatherer, provider, carer, inventor, an everything role and women should not be a part of it. In this modern era this cannot be. Men still have a place, a role in society but an equal not dominant. They cannot retain the old fashioned expectations. Those that try will be looked upon negatively by the men and women who embrace the new era.

    What is masculinity, like femininity it is a label only. It is subjective and relative to ones perception. I note your sentence on the skirt warriors, I am one of many men who will wear a skirt as a man, not as a transgender, just like women now adopt male style clothing. I have yet to hear one of these men question their masculinity and we are certianly not paraded on center stage by Feminists. Have you heard women in male style clothing question their femininity?

    • Czarny kapturek

      I winced when I read that sentence in question.

      Recently I went to an exhibition about gender roles in Kraków, where, so is my opinion, the artists seem to have been aiming at providing a strong contrast to two poles of the aggressive, physically-working man and oppressed, mild woman. The art therefore contained naked women working as engineers as well as a video of a transexual m-t-f and various gays. Now, the latter didn’t shock me as I used to work in the Gay Museum in Berlin and saw a lot of pictures that many would consider to be offensive. I did have the feeling that many men fall between these poles, say, by caring a lot for their children, supporting feminism and looking after their appearance (not so in vogue in Poland for many men). Basically, the hero men seemed to be those gays and that m-t-f.

      Which is fine. It’s just there’s more to being a man who is against the conservative gender roles than being gay or transexual. That’s how I understood the sentence in the article, that there’s nothing wrong in a man wearing a skirt, rather that there is other ways in which to express masculinity other than such “shocking” things which are sometimes given as role models for men. I hope I am clear, being someone who gets funny comments for having long hair (which isn’t the same as wearing a skirt, but still).

  • jim1952

    You said:

    For me, I am utterly proud of men and boys, proud of my husband, my son and my grandson, they are wonderful, mysterious beings who live a different life to mine but one which complements it, supports it and graces it with their difference.

    • http://www.theskirtedman.eu Jeremy Hutchinson

      Well said. Your sentiments echo the contents of an article I sent to insideMAN on 21-06-15 why is it difficult celebrating a man from a positive aspect. InsideMAN have todate always responded to me by return. This time not. The article now appears on my web site at this address http://www.theskirtedman.eu/index.php/why-is-it-difficult-to-celebrate-being-a-man-and-why-not-under-gender-equality

      • insideMAN

        Hi Jeremy,

        Sorry for the delay in reply!

        We’re swamped by the book project and preparations for the panel debate, plus other workstreams.

        Please bear with us, I’ll do my best to get back you about your article tomorrow.

        Thanks again for taking the time to write it for us.

        All best, Dan

  • Rod Armstrong

    Interesting article but I take issue with the sentence in parenthesis in paragraph 2. It seems to be sarcasm directed at any man with the terminity to wear a skirt. If this was the intended meaning, then I submit that the opposite is true: such men have confidence in their own masculinity, and a disdain with arbitrary and constrictive social conventions.

    • http://www.theskirtedman.eu Jeremy Hutchinson

      Well said. My sentiments too. I wrote an article why is it difficult celebrating a man from a positive aspect and sent it on 21-06-15. InsideMAN have todate always responded to me by return. This time not. The article now appears on my web site at this address http://www.theskirtedman.eu/index.php/why-is-it-difficult-to-celebrate-being-a-man-and-why-not-under-gender-equality

    • Inside MAN

      Hi Rod

      I think the argument that Karen is making (though I could be wrong here) is that in certain circles there has been a tendency to demonize the masculine aspects masculinity and celebrate the feminine (eg men/boys wearing dresses).

      I can’t speak for Karen but from my personal perspective I think it’s important to allow men to express their masculinity however they want. If we only celebrate one way (eg being hyper-masculine or being hyper-feminine) then that isn’t diversity, that’s seeking to replace one rigid masculine view of masculinity with another rigid feminine view of masculinity.

      In an ideal world men would be free to express their masculinity however they want to—-whether that’s being macho, being feminine or anything else.

      I explored these ideas a little in this article:

      http://www.inside-man.co.uk/2014/12/28/does-bbcs-boy-in-the-dress-drama-signal-the-liberation-or-the-emasculation-of-boys/

      Best Regards

      Glen
      insideMAN

  • http://www.theskirtedman.eu Jeremy Hutchinson

    This is my article Why is it Difficult to Celebrate Being a Man – And Why Not and Under Gender Equality

    http://www.theskirtedman.eu/index.php/why-is-it-difficult-to-celebrate-being-a-man-and-why-not-under-gender-equality

    • http://www.theskirtedman.eu Jeremy Hutchinson

      insideMAN and I have exchanged emails since. I had considered that my complaint to insideMAN about the closing sentence of paragraph 2 in the article above had not been taken seriously in their reply. It was brief, polite but accepted the situation as it was. My response met silence. Sending my article 24 hours later in response and not receiving at least an acknowledgement even DM via Twitter “got it, lot on, bear with us” I came to the conclusion that my criticism of one of their book contributors was not received well and I was put to the side. Previously a reply even via DM was by return. They have told me that is not the case and I accept. I accept that they are busy, insideMAN is part time alongside their other lines of work. I didn’t know that.

      My article is some 2000 words long. They run articles at 1000 words, rarely exceeding. I have said I do not think I can cut it down without losing its flow, reasoning to reach the conclusion. I accept therefore it will not appear on this site. The links below take you to my site for the article. I do not have the spare time to radically restructure it with the same meaning.

      I have always said to insideMAN, even during our recent “words” that I will and do support insideMAN as a promoter for mens discrimination. I strongly believe men in many aspects of life do suffer it. One thing I have learnt from this is, unlike some, insideMAN are approachable even if questioned.

  • Jamie Brahm

    Yeah, you can tell who runs a society, by who cannot be criticized, and you can tell who is at the bottom by who always takes the blame. We live in a gynocracy. Men are oppressed. Shit needs to change.