insideMAN

Is it OK for Guys to be depressed?

by 5 Comments

Yes. There, that’s that dealt with. Next question?

Except of course, it’s not nearly as simple as that. If you’re a regular insideMAN reader, I have a hunch that like me, you’ll take it for granted that men should be allowed to feel anxious, low and depressed. But the reason I’m writing this blog, is that according to a new stereotype-busting campaign by Lynx, men are repeatedly asking Google the question in this headline. That suggests many people don’t think it’s OK for men to be depressed at all.

There’s a strange contradiction going on here. On the one hand, it’s never been more acceptable for men to open up about their feelings – in fact, the last 14 months have seen a sea-change in the cultural conversation around men’s mental health.

From the House of Commons holding its first Parliamentary debate on male suicide on International Men’s Day 2015; to princes William and Harry (who are, FYI, male, Royal and ex-military) recently launching their Heads Together mental health awareness campaign in partnership with male suicide prevention charity CALM; to the Southbank’s Being A Man festival; to the fact Lynx, about as mainstream a brand as you can get, have launched this campaign to breakdown male gender stereotypes.

If we’ve got everyone from MPs and Royalty, to high street male grooming brands all championing the idea that it’s OK for men to be open about their feelings, surely we’ve got this stiff-upper-lip thing licked? Right?

Deep roots

Except that isn’t the story that’s being told by the statistics. When I first started writing about men’s mental health around ten years ago, suicide was the biggest killer of men aged under 35. Since then the male suicide rate has in fact gone up, to the point where it is now the biggest killer of men aged under 50.

So what’s going on? I mean, how can the male suicide rate actually have risen, at exactly the same time as society has been telling men it’s more acceptable than ever for them to talk about their feelings?

One answer, of course, is that the expectations society places on men to be stoical, strong and silent, have profoundly deep roots that aren’t going to be easily eradicated overnight, no matter how high-profile the campaigns promoting a different kind of message about manhood. The idea that “real men” should provide and protect and damn well keep quiet about it, still has a powerful grip on both men and women.

But that said, I believe there now really is a greater acceptance of men expressing their fears and anxieties. The suicide debate in Parliament, the princes’ mental health campaign and Lynx’s focus on broader ways of being a man, may all be recent, but they are signs of a profound cultural shift – MPs, Royals and high street brands don’t get behind ideas that haven’t already got mainstream acceptance.

How does all this add up? Isn’t men’s fear of appearing weak, their tendency to bottle things up until it’s all too much to bear, the root cause of the high male suicide rate? If it’s easier than ever for men to talk and show their feelings, why is there still an epidemic of male suicide?

Bigger questions

But maybe these aren’t the right questions – or at least, maybe they aren’t the only questions we need to be asking. You see, over the years I’ve been writing about men’s issues and after being immersed in the hundreds of personal stories we hear at insideMAN, I’ve come to believe there is another question that’s at least as important, but gets asked far less often. And that question is: “What’s driving male depression in the first place?”

Because it’s not just suicide that disproportionately affects men – there are a whole gamut of other disadvantages that also hit men hardest and that go right to the heart of a person’s wellbeing. From the fact that young men are now 35% less likely to go to university than young women, to the disproportionate impact of the recession on male-dominated industries, to the pain faced by men who are separated from their children, to the fact men make up 88% of those who sleep rough — anyone of these would have a negative impact on a person’s mental health, I know they would on mine.

What these issues also have in common, is that there’s a lack both of awareness that these are gendered issues affecting men, and of popular concern to address them. And it seems to me, that one crucial reason for this is society’s ingrained expectation that men must be strong and stoical – if a man faces disarray in his life, our almost instinctive reaction is that he should “man up” and fix his own problems.

I think it’s brilliant that Lynx and our culture as a whole are starting to challenge stereotypes about what it means to be a man. But if we’re serious about breaking down the expectations placed on men and improving male mental health, I think there are a some tough questions that we still need to ask ourselves. And I’m pretty sure Google won’t have the answers.

By Dan Bell

You can find out more about Lynx’s ‘Is it OK for guys?’ campaign here

If you need help or feel like you can’t be yourself, visit ditchthelabel.org 

  • Groan

    It is very hopeful indeed. “Depression” is a difficult thing as there is a world of difference between what we call (with characteristic “gallows humour”) the walking worried and the much more serious depressions that can result in suicide, self harm or self destructive behaviours in people.
    As you say there are quite clear links between men’s self harming and real life experiences. These are “gendered” in some instances in that prolonged unemployment and relationship breakdown are far more likely to be associated with depressions in men than women. While, as you say, other risk factors are more likely to be experienced by men such as homelessness and institutional living (from military to children’s care homes to prisons and “hostels”). Overall males are more likely to be under “pressure” and so it should be no surprise that not only mental health but addictions to legal and illegal drugs are also “gendered” in the same way.
    Although not researched much there is a trend in the research on “carers”. In effect males are likely to take on a caring role as a “job” and responsibility for their partner. Women too take on the role but crucially its frequently associated with anxiety and depression. Circumstantial I know but it does appear to chime with the general findings that finding a male who has been relied on is far more worrying to women than vice versa. Now I’m sure feminists would use this to suggest men simply are emotionally stunted. However of course the other interpretation is that men are actually more comfortable with being the one relied upon. Years ago I recall a quote from a man’s story on MHF from his experience “there’s as reason men don’t cry, the women in their life don’t like it”. From experience in life since, as well as research, I think there is a huge issue here. Women find men crying or “failing” anxiety provoking. One of the key factors in all the many surveys about “what women want” in a partner are variations on “make me feel safe”, always high on the list, but never figure for men’s preferences. I suspect our society has a huge investment in men “manning up”; women in particular. And as women are inevitably in charge of our early socialisation it is not hard to see how quickly and deeply boys and girls internalise this. I suspect this is behind the frequently contradictory demands from feminists in particular that men share feelings and then wanting them shut down and “manning up” if these imply not carrying on and making things “safe” for women, or divert resources from their proper purpose of making things safe for women.
    Showing my age here but it was earlier “feminists” such as the anthropologist Margaret Mead and other researchers who pointed out the vulnerability and malleability of the male “role” across societies compared to the core role of women. I think that observation of principal still holds true, even though with longevity and contraception, sex isn’t “destiny” for women any more.
    I’d suggest suicide is one “barometer” of that vulnerability.

    • Groan

      As a thought I also think it really interesting that the ads frequently refer to telling “dads” . yet in the real world, and as a father myself, mothers are the first port of call for children’s woes male or female. Un surprising given who still generally nurtures. Fully support the campaign but perhaps we should reflect on why the focus on talking to dads?

  • AJ

    There is a tacit assumption in this article that men’s stoicisim and alleged reluctance to seek help is the reason that the male suicide rate is higher than womens.

    This may be a factor but another possibel cause is the strong anti-male bias in society. This would be a far more direct cause. One of the consequences of this anti-male bias is that there is almost no research into the causes for the relatively high male suicide rate. The supposed male stoicism ‘toxic masculinity’ and reluctance to seek help are veyr frequently suggested as a cause but no explanation is given as to why the relatove rate of male suicide has risen relatve to womens at exactly the time that these traditional male virtues have declined an dbeen attacked. It is at least as plausible that stoicism and traditional masculinity act as protetcive factors and the causes are extrenal factors such as:
    1. Bias in teh educational system producing ill educated disadvanatged men.
    2. Bias in the criminal justice system producing men who have little or no future prospects
    3. Lack of support for men suffering from domestic violence
    4. Lack of support for men suffering from illness.
    5. Widespread messages throughout the media that mens lifes are of little consequence or worth.
    6. Massive discrimination against men on the provision of healthcare
    7. Discrimination and disadvantage of men in divorce, access to children etc.
    8. Discrimination and disadvantage of homeless men compared to women.

    I do not know and unless there is significant research no one knows the true reasons for the rate of male suicide compared to female but I would suggets that the very real disadvantage and discrimination suffered by men is at leats a slikely as supposed toxic masculinity and stoicism.

    • Groan

      Yes I think your point about stoicism is interesting. There is a growing body of research pointing out that “talking about it” is often associated with worsening or making problems chronic . The point being that “sympathetic” listener often confirms the “ill” person’s view, people seek and are given confirmation that they are worthless or hopeless. Hence more and more advice is to “seek professional help”. In some ways the apparent lack of sympathy men receive, particularly from other men may not be a lack of empathy but a more constructive challenge to the self destructive “internal voice”. As a Dr. Kushlick said to me many years ago talking about challenging behaviours and depressive illness “if you think you are a “worthless shit” or in a “hopeless hole” , it does not help if others keep agreeing with you”. Of course a good deal of CBT is about breaking the “worthless shit” cycle through activity and distraction, oddly reminiscent of “masculine” responses to difficulty.

  • paul parmenter

    This subject is far too complex to do justice to in a comment like this. It is also very difficult for me personally, since it is very close to home. But I want to offer some observations that might help towards understanding.

    Having looked closely at the male suicide statistics, I would say that two things strike me. Firstly the rates (which tell us the trend, as opposed to the raw numbers) have been relatively stable for many years, even decades. The latest UK figure for 2014 is 16.8 suicides per 100,000 of the population. The trend was slowly downwards for many years up to 2007; then it crept upwards;and dropped a little between 2013 and 2014. But nowhere have there been any “spikes” or wild fluctuations. The overall picture is, I think it is fair to say, quite stable. Perhaps this means that there is some kind of “natural” level that will always be there, and it might be nearly impossible to reduce it by any significant amount? Maybe there will always be a small number of males who will never fit in, for whom life will always be too difficult, and for whom getting out of it will be the only answer they can ever see. This is very real for some: I have been there too.

    The second point is that, dare I say it, I think the figures are comparatively low. They tell us that every year, about one man in 6,000 kills himself. Of course the normal view is that this figure is still at too high a level; and it is easy to say that one suicide is one too many.

    But given the comments by AJ above, which I heartily agree with, I would venture that for 5,999 men out of every 6,000 to be able to bear up to all the crap that is constantly being thrown at them by an uncaring and often deliberately hostile world, and to cope without taking the ultimate step, we might perhaps conclude that the male sex is both incredibly resilient and incredibly stoic. Qualities that will rarely if ever be acknowledged of course: but very real.

    But if we decide that these numbers are still too high, we have to look at how to reduce them. I take a simple three-step approach to solving problems: firstly recognise that there is a problem (not at all an obvious step in many cases, including this one); secondly find out what is causing the problem; thirdly devise means of countering or stopping that cause or causes.

    With regard to male suicide, the mainstream of society has apparently, at long last, taken the first step; it has recognised there is a problem. Praise be, it took long enough. But now we are stuck at the second step; and unless we can negotiate that successfully, we cannot even begin to get over the third step and actually reduce the numbers.

    So what are the causes? Clearly they are multiple. Again, applying my simple approach, I have always believed that if you want to find out why anyone is doing something, you ask them. In case that also sounds too naively obvious to need mentioning, I can assure you it isn’t. I recall a TV programme a few years back – I think it was the BBC, if so I would not be surprised – that ostensibly set out to answer the question why do men cheat on their wives (and no, there was not any follow-up programme asking why wives cheat on their husbands. Would you ever have expected one?)

    It was a live studio discussion. There was a panel of “experts” – psychologists, agony aunts, media commentators, relationship gurus – and a selected audience full of cheated wives, “other” women with whom the cheating had taken place, and a few members of the public. I noticed that the people conspicuous by their total absence were the only people who could possibly answer the question accurately: the cheating husbands themselves. There was not a single one in the entire studio. Everybody else had an opinion and voiced it, often quite vigorously; but they were all speaking from ignorance, and there was no conclusive answer.

    But of course there wasn’t. I rather think it was never the object of the programme to answer the question at all. It was really just an excuse to impress upon the world that men are cheating, lying scumbags, and they were never to be given a voice to offer any other explanation.

    We seem to be in the same bind with male depression and suicide. We do not ask men why they want to kill themselves; instead we just listen to the opinions of other people who are not men wanting to kill themselves.

    Of course we cannot ask those who have already committed the deed. But it should be really helpful if we could at least find out how many left suicide notes, or diaries, and analyse those messages. In fact it seems blindingly obvious to me that this should be the very least, and the very first, thing we need to do: build up a picture of the reasons given by the suicidal themselves, and try to recognise trends or patterns. I know that many jump without telling anyone why; but if we have crucial information from those who did say why, then we need to know it.

    But we don’t do this. If the reason is that those messages are deemed too private, or too sensitive, or too hurtful to the bereaved families, they could surely be anonymised. And I would hope that grieving families would agree to have them added to our knowledge base, if it helps to save future lives.

    We don’t even ask the men who are still with us why they feel so depressed. We may do so individually, but where is there any database or survey to pull together the overall picture? I can’t find any. I doubt if it exists, or ever will do. But without it, we are not even at first base to find solutions. Again we are just failing to listen properly.

    Instead, we grope in our self-imposed darkness, and guess. We have not done enough work at step two – understanding the causes – but we still want to jump straight to step three – imagining we have solutions. And of course the favourite prejudice of our time – that masculinity is always to blame for male problems – offers us the ready-made solution: men have to abandon their bad and wrong male ways of doing things, and embrace the good and right female way. Women’s problems tend to lend themselves to being talked over with friends and colleagues; that is how women operate. So obviously men have to do the same. Talk to someone. Talk, talk, talk.

    I agree that opening up is, in many cases, helpful. It was once to me, in a bad but not suicidal position. But it is rarely, if ever, a complete solution; and in many cases it simply cannot change a bad situation. What if you have been made redundant and have no chance of getting another job? You cannot talk your way into a new one. Or you have just lost your home and kids in the divorce court? How will any amount of talk change that horror? Or you are desperately lonely and feel nobody cares about you. Can you talk your way into creating genuine personal friendship – as opposed to just finding a professional shoulder to cry on? Or if you have an incurable, painful condition. You can’t talk that away either.

    These may be the sort of things that drive men to suicide, because they are deep problems with perhaps no solution that can or will be found; certainly not by talking. But again, how should I know? I have no more expertise than anyone else, just my own knowledge of how it happened to me.

    What I am sure of is this: that the litany of criticism and negativity that has been built around men and their lives, that AJ refers to and that we should all be well aware of, is no help at all, and must be scaled down. And if we think talking is any kind of solution, or a step towards it, we should at least be prepared to listen, with an open mind, and never substitute our prejudices for the real messages that men give us.