How an all-male support network brought one man back from the brink of suicide

“They understood without prying, did not judge and did not seek to. It wasn’t counselling, but a connection with men from every type of background” — Richard Holland, Vice President of the National Association of Round Tables

Experts in men’s mental health are beginning to discover that the kinds of support and therapy that work for women, do not always work for men. They are also finding that the often knee-jerk assumption that “men don’t talk” is inaccurate — closer to the truth is that men need the right environment in which to talk. This can mean all-male spaces in which men feel safe to be themselves and communicate in ways that work for them.

Here Richard Holland, Vice President of the National Association of Round Tables Great Britain and Ireland, an all-male voluntary organisation that has been supporting men for 90 years, speeks about his own battle following the breakdown of his marriage and how the uniquely male support of his tight network of friends from Round Table was able to bring him back to himself.

“Over my many happy years in Round Table and most recently being on the road meeting members as National Vice President, I’ve learnt something special. It’s a fact about Round Table that I know to be true because I have had personal experience of it. And this fact may not directly speak to you but I know that it will speak to someone you know.

“What is it I learnt? That Round Table saved my life, when I was at the lowest point of my life. When I was at rock bottom, the Round Table community was there for me. And this is my story.

“A couple of years ago, I went through a pretty horrible separation from my ex-wife which ended in us getting divorced. It left me devastated.

“I suffered terribly. And it took an overwhelming hold on my wellbeing. For the first time in my life, I felt vulnerable. For the first time in my life, I was scared for what the future held for me and for my children. For the first time in my life, I felt totally alone in the world.

“I took on habits to cope. Late night partying with people I didn’t know, drinking too much and an outlook on the world that was negative and bleak.

“In short, I will share with you how deep it went – without Round Table I would not be here today.

“But Table was there. The spirit, the fun, the opportunities, a reason to be involved in life again; it all lifted me. But it was something else more human and more touching that really helped. Others, that understood without prying, did not judge and did not seek to. It wasn’t counselling, but a connection with men from every type of background. I felt comfortable with Tablers, less scared, more confident. Through Table, I got my life back.”

As men, we too often think of ourselves as strong and in control of our emotions. Maybe a sense of “big boys don’t cry” keep our emotions under lock and key. When we feel hopeless or overwhelmed by despair we often deny it, even to ourselves. Yet depression is much more common than many first expect. It is estimated that 1 in 6 people in this last week experienced a common mental health problem.

And with an average of 12 men a day taking their own lives and suicide the biggest killer of men under 45, Round Table are proud to partner with the Men and Boy’s Coalition to directly draw attention to men’s issues and help more men like Richard.

Richard said: “Now I look back and my life is wonderful. My children are beautiful and I am in love again – my heart and mind repaired.

“Round Table saved my life, as I know it has done for many other members of our incredible organisation. We not only help lift others through incredible fundraising activities, but we help lift ourselves – through fun, fellowship and community work. Some men don’t need help in the same way as I did, but I believe every man needs opportunity and Round Table gives young men so much. Men are beginning to break down their traditional barriers of a stiff upper lip and leading this change is the greatest young man’s club in the world – Round Table.”

CitymanMichael

This is a heartwarming story which could be told many times.

However, it has been well understood for quite some time now that men are completely different from women in regards to mental health problems.

As the great Tom Golden has said – “men talk shoulder to shoulder” – see this video from 3:15 onwards – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7yaH-DVbYQ
- paul parmenter
  
  Great video, thanks for that.
  
  But here is the question: how much of this understanding, this awareness that men have their own way of dealing with stress and pain, and it is, for them a “good” way; how much of this awareness gets out into the mainstream? We are still hearing, time and time again, that when men are going through difficulties, they “need to talk”. There is so much emphasis on this. Talk, talk, talk; it is still being held up as the panacea.
  
  But Tom Golden is right. When my father was dying a horrible, slow cancer death, I couldn’t talk about it. I didn’t really want to. I knew what I felt, and I also knew that talking would do nothing for him or me. I wanted action, I could only express myself through bursts of energy. I found the answer by doing a sponsored run, raising money for a cancer charity. But I made it extra difficult for myself by juggling balls all the way round the course. It was tough but every time I dropped the balls or felt too tired to go on, I thought of my Dad and found the strength to get to the end. It was a kind of tribute, because he had gone through so much in his life but had always kept going; it was why I chose to do something more than just run. I wanted to make it more difficult for myself, because that way I could better give vent to my feelings, and in some small way mirror my Dad’s example.
  
  So there it was: action, and honouring my father. Exactly as Tom Golden describes. I never really thought of it specifically as a man’s way of dealing with grief; but now I see that it was.
  
  Of course this cuts across the article somewhat, because Richard Holland did find his solution by talking; and in another bad situation, I did the same. So I am not decrying it totally; it may often be an answer, but not always; and the way men talk, and the circumstances, and who they talk to, are all important. That is how it worked for Richard.
  
  Perhaps it would help if we use the word “communicate” rather than “talk”. We should know that men communicate in ways other than talking. If we offer them alternative ways of communicating – which can include action – it might encourage and help them much more than we are doing at the moment.
  - CitymanMichael
    
    I appreciate you sharing your story, Paul.
    
    I suppose that is all we can do – keep explaining how men are different from women. Somewhere down the line the message will seep through.
Groan

A welcome example of men being able to tell their “stories”. I had forgotten about the Round table. A welcome reminder of the value of such organisations both to communities and to their members. I’ve just made one of my very rare forays outside urban life, and came across “Young Farmers”, it struck me how “kind” they were to each other (not in a “soppy” way). its clear young farming workers do find all sorts of emotional challenges not least in their rather isolated lifestyle. Rather shamefully I have read of such issues in Australia but had been ignorant of the challenges in this country.
I hope Richard is able to boost his organisation’s membership.

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