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Why Abused By My Girlfriend was a watershed moment for male victims of domestic abuse and society

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Mark Brooks OBE is Chair of the Mankind Initiative, a charity which supports male victims of domestic violence. Here he describes what he says is a game-changing moment for the recognition of the suffering experienced by the hundreds of men his charity receives calls from each year.

For decades there has been a reality gap when it comes to domestic abuse. It is the same across the world. This reality gap is based on the view that domestic abuse is a crime that only affects women, even when the reality is much different.

This reality gap is reflected in government policy – which frames domestic abuse as a gendered crime based on the view that it is a cause and a consequence of wider gender inequality. This is despite the fact that government figures show one in three victims of domestic abuse are male, while also the government does not view suicide or rough sleeping as being gendered issues when far more men suffer from this than women. This can and does affect service provision.

The reality gap is also reflected in how society views domestic abuse – with a gap still remaining with the public in not recognising male victims in the same way they do female victims. This cognitive bias can affect responses from “blue light” responders and also can lead to no or delayed responses from the public – including friends, family and neighbours. The award winning #violenceisviolence video shows the stark reality of the gender differences in how society views domestic abuse.

The way society and government views domestic abuse also affects male victims. It means they fail to recognise what is happening to them, feel ashamed, feel they won’t be believed and do not know where to turn.

This is set against the backdrop of an estimated 450,000 men (1 million women)  – broadly 30%  – being victims of partner abuse every year yet only around 5% of those victims using domestic abuse services are men. In addition, just under 50% of male victims do not tell anyone against 20% of female victims. The figures are too high for both genders and it is vital that we eradicate domestic abuse against women as much as we do against men.

The moving BBC Three documentary “Abused by my Girlfriend” broadcast in February has made such a difference in closing this reality gap. It charts the story of Alex Skeel (an Ambassador of the ManKind Initiative charity) and how he became a victim of domestic abuse, how he was rescued and how he is rebuilding his life.

It was seen by over 1.6 million alone on BBC One (Tuesday 19th February) and has been a real discussion point all week on social media and in workplaces. What has been significant is the number of women of all ages who have been at the vanguard of so much of this momentum – sending Alex messages, promoting the broadcast on social media and generally speaking out. The fact that Alex’s mother plays such an important role in the documentary especially when she recalls her sister saying “he just wants his mum” was a significant emotional moment that resonated with so many other mothers.

This week also saw Libby Wright, being awarded a prestigious High Commendation in the National Crimebeat awards. In her former role as Durham’s Young Police, Crime and Victims’ Commissioner she was behind a campaign, No Less Of A Man, to make people aware of male domestic abuse and how to get support.  The Paul Lavelle Foundation, named after Paul who was killed by his partner who was convicted of manslaughter, also opened a new service for male survivors in the Wirral. The foundation is led by his brother, his family and a wide group of friends.

These events are crucial in encouraging more men to come forward, more people to reach out to them and a better response when they do come forward especially from the police and other blue light services. Significantly, it closes the domestic abuse reality gap so that domestic abuse is no longer seen as a gendered crime or a crime that is only a “woman’s crime”. It is becoming seen as a crime that affects everyone – women and men in heterosexual and same-sex relationships. In that way we will see more men coming forward, more male-friendly services and a more inclusive society which is in keeping with a modern and diverse Britain.

Mark Brooks OBE

Chair of the ManKind Initiative charity

  • http://www.antimisandry.com/node/594558 Douglas Milnes

    It is great to see public awareness begin to change on the issue of intimate partner violence. Hopefully this will also lead to a greater awareness of men’s plight on other aspects of domestic violence.

    Changing the government’s mind is another matter. Most money for businesses that rely on domestic violence against women for their existence comes from government tax money. It is reported that businesses (usually fronted by a charity) running women’s shelters get around £1,400 per person per week – good enough for a four star hotel. The money from government for men’s shelters is close to zero.

    This entrenched position, with no Men’s Minister to stand up for battered men, is not something likely to give way to democratic feeling any time soon. Nevertheless, political pressure to treat men as human equals must continue.

  • AJ

    I very much doubt it is a turning point.

    Consider homelessness or violence in general. Nobody dispute sthat men suffer disproportionately from these yet there is preferential treatment of homeless women as being vulnerable and there is a strategy to prevent violence against women. Sexist organisations like womens aid will continue to do everything they can to undermine the idea that men can be victims of domestic violence and resources will still be directed towards women and away from men. This will happen even though it is at the very least plausible that abuse by women against men is a cause of future domestic violence by men against women. The cause is a general lack of empathy for men coupled to an active (non-party) political movement which regards men as the enemy to be defeated and punished.

    • http://www.antimisandry.com/node/594558 Douglas Milnes

      “…it is at the very least plausible that abuse by women against men is a cause of future domestic violence by men against women.”

      Therein lies a great part of the question and the discrimination. Why would abuse charities not to all they can to end domestic violence? Back in the 1970s, Erin Pizzey, the founder of women’s refuges, was pointing out that women can be as abusive as men, and that domestic violence is an intergenerational problem that perpetuates from parents to children.

      Currently, feminism earns well both financially and ideologically from pushing their women=victims, men=bad mantra. The earnings for feminists from perpetuating domestic violence are so high that there is no incentive to ever fix the problem. Nor would a cessation of violence against women help feminism to push its continuing Marxist agenda.

      So, feminists don’t want the world to know that women can be violent. Nor do they want violence against women to stop. And it is feminists who are controlling the discussion on domestic violence.

      • AJ

        I don’t think that the denial of female domestic violence and the possible effect this could have in causing male domestic violence is financially motivated. I believe the motivation is a very srong attatchment to an ideology in which women are victims and men are victimisers. This ideology rewards women who can think of themselves as morally superior, as ‘heroes’ whose achievements are all the greater for having been achieved in the face of male oppression, and whose failures can be excused as due to discrimination. This ideology happens to match innate human cognitive biases with empathy for females being far higher than for men and a strong female in group bias which is absent for men. This match explains the persistence and strength of the ideology.

        There is no excuse for experts who study the evidence on domestic violence. They know the evidence and they have experts to advise them. They exhibit a high level of intellectual dishonesty in promoting the gendered violence narrative in the face of the evidence. However I think it is ideology and genuinely held beliefs based on the ideology rather than a cynical desire to maintain an income stream.

        • http://www.antimisandry.com/node/594558 Douglas Milnes

          I assure you it is both. Most people – let alone someone ideologically driven – on a high five-figure income based on the female victim narrative are unwilling to sacrifice that.

          The feminist domestic violence industry, worth several $billions worldwide, funds too many salaries, too many feminist programs, too many feminist professors, too many political lobbyists, for those involved to just throw it away.

          That is not to deny the ideological motivation, which is huge just by itself.

          Don’t think too bad of the ‘experts’ in the field. While there are some who are corrupt, not all are feminists. However, when a research grant to study the subject has the requirement to, for example, ‘determine the level of violence in single-storey homes against women‘ (I just made that up) then the researchers will only be reporting on domestic violence done to women. In this way, the narrative of women only as victims is subtly strengthened. Most reports commissioned for both men and women come out with male victimisation between 30% to 60% depending on how it is counted and classified. Few reports study men only because there is no money available.