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Report from Dad 2.0 conference

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What goes on at a fatherhood conference? Duncan Fisher reports from the latest Dad 2.0 conference held in San Francisco this month.

The fatherhood field is changing. A new phenomenon is emerging in US, the land of unlimited confidence and enterprise. A grass roots community of fathers on-line is starting to campaign for social change.

We’ve had campaigners, and we’ve had fathers on-line, but not the two together. And there is another significant new development to support this – money is coming into fatherhood. Dove, Lego, Kia, Esquire, Best Buy, Hasbro, Netgear are all after fathers. The “dadvertising” around the 2015 Super Bowl (dubbed #daddybowl) will mark a turning point in the history of 21st century fatherhood.

I have waited and wished for this moment for 10 years and in San Francisco this month at the Dad 2.0 Summit, I saw it. Better than that, I was part of it!

The video of the summit sets a new agenda, both in its tone and in what it says. A community of bloggers is becoming a movement – leaders, fighters, organisers and influencers for change.

There is now open rebellion by men against the patriarchal norms still lurking around, which despise emotion, vulnerability and care in men. Dove has captured the moment with its #realstrength campaign. Real strength is the ability to show love and tenderness – it is the pole opposite of the strength of the patriarch. I think Dove has got the messaging spectacularly right. There was a celebratory tone at the conference: men really are walking the talk.

At the same time, again and again speakers were able to admit to their own sense of vulnerability. Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) read a beautiful blog post about the crushing of his confidence by the rejection of his two-year-old in favour of mum, matched only by the crushing of her confidence when the allegiance flips the other way. How I remember those moments (as I now experience the new wave of the confidence busting teenage years).

The ideal modern dad

One setback and it resonates with all the doubting questions that are swilling about everywhere. It is not just “am I a useless dad?” but “are all dads useless?” and “am I biologically pre-determined to be useless?” and “should I just give up and go back to work where men actually belong and leave this to women?” and “am I just unable to live up to the new modern ideal of the dad?”

As I was sitting in the luscious Kia hatchback (wondering just how long elegant cream leather would last the onslaught of toddlers), I asked the marketing guys watching over their precious toy, why they have suddenly switched to dads. The answer was simple: advertising to mums has reached saturation point and they have to find another way forward. And when it comes to buying things, as with everything else in family life, research shows that dads are a whole lot more influential than the conventional world-is-flat wisdom would have it.

The Dad2.0 summit, now in its fourth year, was directly instrumental in persuading Dove to go for fatherhood at the Super Bowl, and this has created a domino effect. This is going to have big consequences from now on. The massively maternal focus of absolutely everything to do with babies – even the stuff for and about dads has actually been produced with little effort to appeal to men – is all driven by commercial interests. Babycenter, Bounty and Mumsnet are founded on this money. Now their commercial backers are going to start saying they want to appeal to dads – really to connect with them, understand them, like them, create stuff they actually read. The earth is moving.

We need Dad2.0 in Europe. Anyone reading this who’d be interested to be involved, do get in touch!

—Photo Credit: Dad 2.0

Duncan Fisher was one of the founders and CEO of the Fatherhood Institute and is currently developing a project called MumsAndDadsNet.

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Top fears of a dad-to-be (number five will make you chuckle)

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Matthew Adams became a dad for the first time just two weeks ago. Before he did he went on record to acknowledge his top five fears of being a dad.

Before we share his fears with you, here’s what he said about the first 11 days of being a new dad:

My days have been filled with nappy cleaning duties and plenty of staring at my beautiful baby girl. She’s perfect. Even although I’m sleep deprived, seeing her smile makes it all worth it. In one simple sentence:

Snooze a little, wake to crying baby, clean nappy, hold baby, try remember to eat, stare at baby, smile: repeat (x11).

That’s fatherhood thus far. Although it doesn’t sound like the most exciting 11 days it actually is pretty damn amazing. I go back to work on Monday and am dreading the idea of it – getting up early, not sleeping enough to function, not being able to spend the whole day with Lana.

Congratulations to Matthew and his family, now here’s his list of top fears as a new dad:

“How are you feeling?”

“Excited.”

That’s usually how the conversation goes when asked and I’ve been giving the same answer from day one. I can understand why some dads-to-be feel fear or worry but that’s not been the case for me and never has. I’m so relaxed that I’m starting to think I’m maybe being ridiculously naive about the whole parenthood thing – maybe I should be scared?

So, in a bid to reassure myself that it’s not going to be plain sailing, I thought I would list my five father-to-be fears (a list that I would love to hear your feedback on – are they justified, am I missing anything?).

  1. Lana’s health

I’ll admit I have always had underlying worries about whether my child would be born healthy or not (even prior to becoming a father-to-be). The thing is, I can’t really do anything about this, so can only hope. I’m pretty sure this is normal but as long as Lana is healthy, I’ll be happy. The rest of this list is irrelevant.

  1. Sleep deprivation

“Sleep now” is the advice I’m always given from mums and dads. I love sleep and I hate mornings. This has been the state of affairs from the moment I hit puberty (Circa. 2012) and not only am I convinced it’s not going to change anytime soon but it’s going to become a whole lot tougher.

  1. Sex deprivation

I’m sure this depends on the couple and the circumstances but I’m sure it’s common. Nina and I are still young and I don’t think either of us are ready to call it a day yet. In the same way that we must devote time to the baby I guess we need to make sure we put aside some time for ourselves (that doesn’t have to always be sex but if it is then so be it

  1. Stress

Between baby, work, money and the constant threat of sex deprivation I am sure this is a cloud that is likely to come and go. It happens in life anyway so I’ll deal with it when it comes. I consider myself a relaxed individual who doesn’t let things get to him but perhaps baby induced stressed is of a caliber I am yet to experience. Can any dads out there shed some light on the matter?

  1. Dressing like a dad

Me now

I don’t claim to be a fashion guru but I do my best to dress well. At work I feel that if I make an effort to look smart I will work smart – totally psychological I know but it works for me.

Me in ten years time

When Lana comes along I hope I can maintain some form of fashion sense without descending into socks and sandals or fleeces and hiking boots.

 

—Photos: Blogging Dad

Matthew Adams lives in Edinburgh and blogs about fatherhood at www.lessonsintheartofdad.com. You can follow him on twitter @blogging_dad.

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Great infographic: 23 things for a dad to teach his son

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Al Ferguson from The Dad Network UK has come up with his all time list of 23 things he wants to teach his son.

I might not know everything there is to know and the boy might not fully understand why he is learning what I decide to teach him… But I’m sure he’ll thank me at some point in his life.

There’s something special about dads teaching their sons invaluable skills for getting through life. When I found out I was having a son, all the wonderful, both practical & emotional, essential life skills that I will need to teach him flashed before my eyes. Amongst other things, I could see the two of us calmly sitting on a log, pen knives in hand and me teaching him to always cut away from your body and to keep your fingers out the way.

There are so many things that I simply can’t wait to teach my son and so I’ve compiled them into a list of 23 things:

23 valuable things I think you’ll agree! He won’t get far through life without these essential things which is why it’s important for me to teach my son them! He’ll be fine now if he has to use reef knot to repair his bike so he can cycle to collect his car to drive to his girlfriends in a blue shirt without headphones in and gets caught in the wilderness having to hunt for his own food. Absolutely fine… And he’ll be polite to any bears that try to attack him too!

—Photo: Flickr/Poppofatticus 

You can follow Al’s fatherhood adventures at www.thedadnetwork.co.uk of follow him on twitter @thedadnetworkuk.

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

 

I love going on adventures with my sons, it’s fatherhood at its best!

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Spending time away with your children is something all dads should do says Paul Mills, who enjoys regular adventures with his two sons.

Arguably the greatest gift of my adult life has been my two boys, and some of the best times I have had with them has been our precious ‘dad and boy’ trips – just the two or three of us, no work, no email, no other commitments and the great outdoors to explore and be alive in.

For us these annual trips consist of sailing on a yacht away from ‘civilisation’ to explore isolated islands and coves or off road trips into the Sahara desert with endless miles of dunes, hamada and sparse vegetation.

We also have regular evening or weekend sessions lasting a couple of precious hours, nearer to home, of a simple nature and led by the boys desires for freedom and exploration – to a camp in the woods, or a beach at low water, or to dam a mountain stream.

Focus on what’s important

At these times it’s a real opportunity to focus on what’s important and to develop a greater connection with each other as men and boys, away from other distractions and agenda’s – in that slightly different way that happens when there is just one parent – dad – in the picture.

Me and the boys call this ‘expedition mode’. It means that we are not bound by strict timings and schedules, we have food that we enjoy – and cook it together often outdoors, we get dirty freely and then choose whether there is any point in drying/changing – or not.

We take time to laugh and have fun, splashing in the water – stripping off for an end of day swim or surfing down a sand dune just because we can. We marvel at nature, sun sets and the night sky. We listen to the silence and when we talk the words are more meaningful.

Sleeping under the stars

When we can, we sleep under the stars and talk about important stuff – in between teasing and joking in that way that people who care about each other do, out of love and mutual admiration. We have fires and make stuff and the boys get real responsibility – taking a full part in what we are doing.

This could be managing our water supply or getting wood for the evening fire, it could be working out a route that keeps us away from the rocks or steering the boat in high winds and big seas so that dad can go forward, clipped onto a lifeline, and take a sail down.

At these times I really appreciate my boys and what it is to be their dad. I get to value them for being themselves; not the them as part of their peer group, or the them that is or isn’t ‘performing at an age appropriate level’ at school (whatever that means).

I get to be close to them for days on end, laying awake in the tent at night listening to their quiet breathing and dreamy mumblings and sighs. I watch them turning a rock pool into a moated, fortified encampment or building a den in the deserted ruin of a foreign legion fort. I get to hold onto to them as we crawl on our bellies to the edge of a 100m escarpment to peer down as the wind tugs viciously at our clothing and hair.

Precious little time 

I also see how they approach other people and what they bring to this contact, offering help with a tent, our tow rope when another vehicle is stuck; or chatting with a old and wrinkled shoemaker in his workshop in a Saharan dusty town, and cherishing beyond reason his gift of a leather necklace with their name carved into it – wearing it with pride and explaining its origin to visitors with starry eyes and a far away look.

In this modern world we so often get completely immersed in external pressures and demands, in work that maintains our professional pride; or simply getting through the 18 hours of pressure, travel, routines, commitments and keeping up with the Jones that make up our days, before tumbling exhausted into bed for a precious few hours respite.

How does this serve us as men? how does this help us be good dads? What do our kids think of how we prioritise our time and how we interact with them? ­ go on, I challenge you, take a few minutes to reflect, and then choose to spend some ‘dad and boy’ time of your own, put it in the diary and make it a priority; you will never regret it and your boys will remember it forever!

—Photo: Flickr/frontierofficial

Paul Mills lives on the West coast of Scotland. He is is a parent, a trainer in the education and care sectors, an ex foster carer and therapeutic teacher who cares passionately about and working with young people, especially boys, as they start their life’s journey.

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Five reasons I love working with young fathers

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Ben Wilkes is a Young Fathers Worker at the charity Romsey Mill in Cambridge. Here he shares why he loves working with young dads and explains the difference his work makes.

I have been working with young fathers (14 to 25 years old) for a little over two years now and I consider it a privilege supporting these young lads, walking with them through a small section of their life aiding them in making the transition from being someone who is often still learning to look out for themselves, to one who is competent in caring for a fully dependent human being.

 1. It brings new perspectives

Young Fathers approach their role in such a fresh way, expressing new ways of thinking, feeling and ideas about how to raise a child in the modern world. As is the case with other similar supporting roles, the learning that takes place is often both ways!

2. It’s inspiring

Having a baby can be a real catalyst for change. I have seen first-hand a young father that is experiencing significant multiple personal challenges yet still be passionately consistent in his desire to be a part of his child’s life, which has actually spurred him on to seek and accept help.

3. It gives young dads a voice

Another part of this role that I love is being able to give a voice to the voiceless. Whether in meetings with professionals, negotiating with the mother of the child or simply sharing personal stories of the young fathers, this role enables me to speak up for a part of society which rarely gets a voice. I revel in challenging the common stereotype of young fathers, since what I see on a regular basis is genuine enthusiasm, a sense of purpose and a desire to embrace a new found role in order to be the best father they know how to be.

4. It benefits children

There is a lot of research that shows when the father is actively involved, the child flourishes in many ways. By coming alongside the young father to support their involvement in the child’s life there is already the potential for huge benefits. Often this group can feel invisible or insignificant, so by having a dedicated worker, it communicates that they have a very important part to play.

 5. It makes a difference to young dads 

It would not be right to exclude the young fathers’ voice from this article… so the following is a snapshot of comments that I have collected from young fathers who feel they have benefitted from accessing the support of a dedicated Young Fathers Worker:

‘If [this service] wasn’t there, it would be a struggle to communicate and get my point across to the mother of my daughter. I think it’s made the mother a bit more understanding about the situation.’

‘My confidence is a lot better at doing things, I’m more confident around him[baby] I know what to do and what not to do. I’m a better person and a better dad than what I was at the start.’

‘Yea I definitely feel better supported for the birth of my child and raising my child and knowing whatever problem I have I can call up and sort it with him [Young Fathers Worker].’

Ben Wilkes is a Young Fathers Worker at the Cambridge-based charity Romsey Mill. You can support their work by making a donation at Just Giving.

—Photo: Flickr/Samantha Cohen

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Five reasons involved fatherhood is good for everyone

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The feminists Gary Barker and Michael Kaufman are on a mission to promote “caring masculinities” around the world, particularly in relation to fatherhood. Here we share the top five reasons they say involved fatherhood is good for everyone.

In a recent article for The Daily Beast, Kaufman and Barker said:

“With all the years of women’s empowerment and the push for gender equality, we still have trouble imagining that men can do the care work, that they matter for children, and that they matter for women’s equality.

“In middle and upper income countries—the U.S. and Europe—we have achieved something closer to pay equality and something closer to equality in terms of who does the domestic and care work. In these regions, men are now doing between 30 and 45 percent of the care work.”

Kaufman and Barker argue that helping fathers around the world to be more involved in childcare can have transform the lives of men women and children. Here are five of the reasons they saying involved fatherhood is good for everyone.

1. Involved fatherhood reduces crime

Kaufman and Barker cite a study that followed 1,000 low income young men in high-risk neighbourhoods in Boston over forty-five years from the 1950s which found that one of the biggest factors that kept men out of gangs and away from criminal activity was being a dad. This is evidence, they say, that caregiving transforms men.

2. Reduces violence against women

Kaufman and Barker also claim that “evidence is piling up that as men do more of the caregiving, violence against women falls”.

3. Men’s wellbeing improves (and so does their sex life)

“Caregiving is good for men,” say Kaufman and Barker “we have richer, healthier lives and more meaningful relationships of all kinds. We learn that our job is not everything. The health, happiness and well-being of men, children and women improve [and] couples report better sex lives”.

4. Men get a biological high from fatherhood

There is a growing body of biological research showing that fathers, like mothers, are hard-wired to care for children. When fathers hold and play with their children, the hormones oxytocin and prolactin kick in, priming us for bonding. The more men care for children, the more our bodies respond to the task.

5. Involved fatherhood is good for the economy

A study over 15 years in the U.S. found that men’s salaries increase 6% for every child they have while women’s salaries decrease by 4% for every child they have as men work more hours after having children, while women shift to jobs with more flexibility and fewer hours. If women did as much paid work as men, the U.S. GDP would be 9% higher, say Kaufman and Barker. If men did more caregiving, women would do more breadwinning, they argue.

Three steps to making it happen

Kaufman and Barker suggest three key actions that could help dads all over the world become more involved in caregiving.

1. Paid parental leave

In countries where paid paternity leave is the norm, dads are more involved in caregiving. For this to work, a portion of parental leave must be ring-fenced specifically for fathers, and workplaces must create a culture that supports men in taking leave, say Kaufman and Barker. They cite the example of Norway, where more than 90% of men who are fathers take at least six weeks of paid leave.

2. Intervene early

Kaufman and Barker believe that “we have to promote men’s caregiving early on [to] provide opportunities for boys and girls to question out-dated notions of manhood and womanhood, and provide opportunities for both to practice involved caregiving in the classroom and beyond”. They also suggest intervention with fathers in ante-natal settings to support and promote involved fatherhood.

3. Include fatherhood in international policy debates

According to Kaufman and Barker, fatherhood gets little attention in policy debates, gets scarce mention in UN reports and seldom shows up in the reports of international aid organizations. Supporting fathers all over the world to be involved in parenting is, they say, a key overlooked strategy in reducing poverty.

To find out more see: how good dads can change the world. 

—Photo/Flickr/b3nscott

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

42% of new dads are not eligible for shared parental leave

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Two in five (40 per cent) new fathers won’t qualify for new rights to shared parental leave, according to analysis published by the TUC.

From April mothers will be allowed to share up to 50 weeks of their maternity leave and 37 weeks of their pay with their partners.

However, analysis carried out by the TUC shows that two-fifths of working dads with a child under one would be ineligible, mainly because their partner is not in paid work. Mothers who don’t have a job (whether employed or self-employed) don’t have a right to maternity leave or pay that they can share.

The TUC says that it welcomes shared parental leave, but is concerned the new scheme will have a very limited impact because of the rules around eligibility and low statutory pay.

Dads’ rights dependent on mothers’

According to the government’s own projections as few as 5,700 men are expected to apply for shared parental leave over the next year.

The TUC estimates that shared parental leave would be open to around 200,000 more fathers each year if their rights to take leave weren’t dependent on the mother being in work and it was a day one right.

The UK is still decades behind other countries when it comes to rights and financial support for new dads, says the TUC.

In countries like Denmark, Norway and Portugal fathers can take paternity leave at 100 per cent of their normal earnings. And in countries like Sweden and Germany families are given extra money if fathers share parental leave more equally with their partner.

75% of poorest dads don’t take full leave

By contrast, statutory paternity pay in the UK is just a quarter of the median weekly wage for full-time male employees and just over half the weekly wage for a worker earning the national minimum wage for a 40-hour week.

Half (50 per cent) of new dads don’t take their full entitlement to two weeks statutory paternity leave – a rate that rises to three in four (75 per cent) for dads on the lowest incomes.

The TUC says that without better rights to leave and pay, many fathers will continue to miss out on playing an active role in the first year of a child’s life.

The TUC wants all new dads to have access to some parental leave that is not tied to their partner’s employment status and is well-paid.

Getting dads involved 

TUC General Secretary Frances O’Grady said: “Shared parental leave is a welcome move but just a small step towards getting dads more involved in their children’s upbringing.

“The UK is still decades behind other European countries when it comes to rights and financial support for new fathers.

“If politicians are serious about men playing a more active role after their child is born they must increase statutory paternity pay and look at introducing some father-only leave that isn’t dependant on their partner being in work.

“Employers must also work more closely with unions who often secure better paternity rights for dads.”

Mums and dads want more 

Mumsnet CEO, Justine Roberts, said: “In a recent survey of Mumsnet users, eight out of ten couples said they would have liked the father to take more paternity leave, and seven out of ten said that financial considerations stopped them from doing so.

“Everyone seems to agree that dads need to be able to spend time with their children, but we don’t yet have the policies that will encourage a real cultural shift.”

Jeremy Davies, from The Fatherhood Institute said:  “International research shows that when fathers take parental leave in addition to their two weeks’ paternity leave, they remain more involved with their children, are happier in their relationships and actually live longer.

“And mothers’ annual earnings increase by seven per cent for every month of parental leave their partner takes.  We need a policy framework that facilitates this for all families.”

The TUC wants the following changes to be implemented:

  • Make fathers’ leave a day one right, as maternity leave is – The TUC estimates that at least one in eleven working fathers are excluded from shared parental leave and paternity leave because they lack the necessary qualifying service with their employer.
  • Introduce an additional month of parental leave and reserve it for fathers only to use – Having some parental leave that is not contingent on a mother’s eligibility to maternity rights would open up paid parental leave to about 200,000 more fathers if the rights were made day one rights as well. It should be paid at 90 per cent of earnings so that most fathers, rather than a tiny minority, use it.
  • Improve statutory pay rates for all leave takers – Relying on employers to top up statutory pay means many families, especially those on low incomes, miss out, says the TUC. Only one in five low-paid fathers gets fully paid paternity leave from their employer and only a quarter of low-paid fathers take their full entitlement to two weeks paternity leave after the birth of their child. Statutory pay for paternity leave and the additional month of father only parental leave, which the TUC proposes, should be increased to 90 per cent of earnings, mirroring the first six weeks of statutory maternity pay.
  • Introduce a paternal/parental allowance for those who don’t qualify for statutory pay – The TUC believes this would benefit over 90,000 self-employed fathers who get no support for taking time off work after they have a child; over 9,000 agency workers who don’t qualify for statutory pay because they’re not employees; and at least 44,000 fathers who are employees but don’t have the necessary length of service to qualify for statutory pay. Such a benefit would mirror the Maternity Allowance which mothers who don’t qualify for Statutory maternity pay can claim.

—Photo: Flickr/TenSafeFrogs

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Dads with mental health problems deserve better

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Where there is mental illness, there’s almost invariably social disapproval and discrimination. And a report released by the Australian Institute of Family Studies shows fathers with mental illness can face unique hardships.

By Rhys Price-Robertson, Monash University and Andrea Reupert, Monash University

People already afflicted by mental ill-health often face the additional burden of stigma; of being perceived as having a “spoiled identity”, to use American sociologist Erving Goffman’s evocative term. Indeed, stigma is increasingly recognised as a central issue for the entire mental health field.

For the estimated 20% of Australian mental health service users who have dependent children, stigma can take new forms. Negative stereotypes about parents with a mental illness are rife in the media, in the general public and even among mental health workers.

Parents are judged as incompetent or dangerous based solely on their mental health status. Regardless of how dedicated and capable they are as parents, many end up seeing themselves in the light of these stereotypes. (“I’m bound to screw up my kids somehow.”)

Families can also face “stigma by association”, where the children or partners of a person with mental illness are abused, blamed or avoided because of their family member’s condition. (“Na-na, your dad’s a psycho.”)

What about dads?

But the picture of what such families face has been incomplete. Almost all of the existing research on parenting and mental illness stigma has focused on mothers. There are many reasons for this, including their greater involvement in daily childcare activities and the well-known difficulties of recruiting men into research studies.

The discipline of psychology is only just emerging from decades of mother-blaming, so it’s probably fair that efforts at understanding parents’ stigma have mostly focused on exonerating women from unjust blame and shame.

But there are reasons why it’s important to focus separately on fathers’ experience of stigma. Men may experience mental illness differently to women, often use different strategies to self-manage their problems and are generally more reluctant to seek help for health concerns.

Perhaps most importantly, men and women are subject to different gender and parenting norms. Stigma tracks along gendered lines, with men stigmatised for failing to exhibit “masculine” qualities such as strength, stoicism and self-sufficiency.

Dads and stigma

Stigma is a prominent theme in the review of the research on fatherhood and mental illness released today. It found stigma especially prevalent in qualitative literature, which explores participants’ lived experiences of mental illness and family life.

Many of the fathers who participated in this qualitative research described fatherhood as central to their self-image.

Nonetheless, some felt discriminated against for their (perceived or actual) inability to meet the traditional paternal responsibilities of provider, protector and role-model. Some had internalised this discrimination. They described deep feelings of shame and failure about parenting.

Other fathers saw the welfare system as biased against them. They felt they were automatically viewed as a risk to their children because of their illness, and so were under observation much of the time. A few believed their illness had been unfairly used against them in custody disputes.

Most worrying of all, fathers shared their fear that if they accessed services, or revealed the true extent of their mental health issues, they would be at risk of losing custody of their children.

Unfortunately, there is evidence to support these fathers’ perceptions: a number of Australian and international studies have found that welfare workers often hold negative or ambivalent attitudes towards fathers.

An analysis of the child protection system in the United Kingdom, for instance, identified two dominant discourses about male clients: they were seen as “a threat”, presumed to be violent and manipulative; and they were perceived to be of “no use”, said to spend little time on and have few skills for child rearing.

Families deserve better

There are no simple answers in the fight against stigma. Public education and awareness-raising may help, especially when it seems that the most common catalyst for public discussion of fathers’ mental illness is a man tragically killing his offspring. Peer-support groups and father-sensitive parenting education programs could promote men’s self-empowerment.

The Children of Parents with a Mental Illness (COPMI) initiative provides excellent resource and informational support for families. Such supports include The Importance of Being a Dad, which is specifically designed for fathers in families where a parent has a mental illness.

But COPMI’s remit falls short of the transformative system-wide reform that would be necessary to ensure Australian health and welfare services are capable of effectively engaging fathers with mental ill-health. Efforts at change will falter until we address the discriminatory practices embedded in mainstream service systems.

If parents fear accessing services that would help them become the safe and loving caregivers they are capable of being, then service systems are failing.

If the instruments we use to assess risk in families automatically record parental mental illness as a “risk factor”, regardless of parenting capacity or commitment, then we need new assessment tools.

Parenting is hard enough as it is, and fathers with mental illness tread a more difficult path than most. Ideally, their difficulties would be met by understanding and support. They certainly deserve better than the stigma and discrimination they are currently likely to face.

—Photo: Lloyd Morgan/Flickr

This article was originally published on The Conversation.
Read the original article.

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Don’t sideline dads, they have an influential role to play in breastfeeding

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Breastfeeding is one of those topics that all parents have a view on. Whether you love it or hate it, the NHS, the World Health Organisation and UNICEF all recommend breastfeeding to give babies the best start in life.

By Nigel Sherriff, University of Brighton

However, practices on the ground in the UK and further afield are very far from ideal. Recent UK data on breastfeeding from the Infant Feeding Survey suggests that the numbers of women who start breastfeeding shortly after birth are high (81%), but this falls to 34% by six months, and only 1% of these babies are exclusively breast fed. But the numbers of women in the UK and in other countries such as Ireland, France, Germany, Japan, and Canada who then go on to continue to breastfeed remain stubbornly low. Rates of exclusive breastfeeding at six-months-old in the UK are so low that national surveys cite them as “negligible” and don’t even report on rates at nine or 12 months.

Clearly there is a very long way to go before breastfeeding rates reach anywhere near the recommended levels. So what can we do to increase breastfeeding rates? Interventions before and after birth that aim to develop knowledge and skills, bust myths and manage expectations could help – but who should they be aimed at? While it might seem sensible for maternity services to focus their attention solely on mothers, the evidence suggests that fathers also have an important role to play.

Working with dads

A number of writers (myself included) have commented previously and sometimes copiously, on how men and fathers (particularly young men and young fathers) are often rendered invisible from mainstream family services including maternity services. In the case of breastfeeding, this has sometimes been more explicit with fathers reporting that they were ignored by health professionals, made to feel like a “controlling partner” if they asked a question about breastfeeding, or were ostensibly seen as just being “in the way”.

Many men simply want to play a part in parenting from the start. And while acknowledging fears about the potential impact on women and children who may have experienced domestic violence, such fears should arguably provide a reason for working with fathers in public services.

In my view, there is a need to challenge the traditional ways maternity services engage with men and fathers. Rather than seeing fathers as a potential risk or an inconvenience that must be tolerated, we should be looking instead to promote the development of positive father-inclusive services. This is important because fathers remain a valuable yet untapped resource for (breastfeeding) mothers, as well as for health professionals and others who may be supporting breastfeeding.

At the moment, many services either do not engage with men and fathers at all, or do so in somewhat haphazard, tokenistic and sometimes patronising ways. These often include “dad’s groups” that use irritating recruitment hooks like the promise of a game of five-a-side football or a greasy fry-up breakfast.

Such bolt-on efforts are appealing to few and excluding of many. Instead, full, meaningful and systematic involvement and engagement with men and fathers by maternity and other services is crucial. This is because (among other things) the growing research evidence demonstrates that fathers can have a significant impact on breastfeeding rates.

A recent Australian study for example, demonstrated that even a minimal intervention that engages fathers around breastfeeding (antenatal education session and postnatal support), can significantly increase any breastfeeding at six weeks compared to controls.

Other studies have shown that amid a range of social, cultural, socio-economic, and psychological factors, the father is one of the most influential persons in terms of a mother’s decision to initiate and continue breastfeeding. This means that fathers can act as either key supporters or key deterrents to breastfeeding.

Indeed our own research and others’, has shown that in some cases, fathers can be instrumental in the decision to move from breastfeeding to formula. Such decisions appear to be underpinned by various anxieties on behalf of the father, such as not being able to determine how much breast milk the baby is getting, concerns over their partner’s distress from easily treatable (albeit painful) cracked nipples and mastitis, worries about not being able to bond with the baby and the exposure of the breasts when breastfeeding in public.

Engaging with fathers

The positive and negative impact that fathers can have on continuing breastfeeding has been known for some time. Yet what is surprising is that there have been few attempts to develop and roll out health promotion programmes that specifically attempt to engage with fathers. Why? One reason is that the importance and influence of a father’s role in the breastfeeding process is often not recognised or valued by many health professionals.

A further reason is that very few studies have actually teased out exactly what is meant by father support in relation to breastfeeding. Understanding what does and does not define father support is necessary to both inform the design of research studies, midwifery and health visiting practice as well as parents themselves.

In our recent study we attempted to do exactly this by creating a model of what father support is, underpinned by both the research literature and data from parents. Our model focuses on knowledge about breastfeeding, attitudes to breastfeeding, involvement in decision-making, practical support and emotional support – providing “entry points” for health professionals and parents (mothers and fathers) which we hope will be useful in the targeted and meaningful support of breastfeeding couples.

Fathers can be half of the problem when it comes to lower than optimal rates of continued breastfeeding. But they can also be half of the solution. To do so, however, there needs to be recognition of the value of fathers’ role in the process, combined with meaningful and systematic positive engagement by maternity services and health professionals.

This article was originally published on The Conversation.
Read the original article.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 13 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Dads are not disposable

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It’s not acceptable to send out the message that dads are irrelevant, they’re not says mother and  antenatal practitioner, Steph Beaumont.

There has been a lot of commentary recently about dads, and a lot of it quite negative. As a mum of three with one on the way, as well as an antenatal practitioner, I have found this really sad. Coming from people who are certainly influential in the world of birth, I wonder how we have reached this point where it feels acceptable to send out the message that dads are pretty irrelevant. 

I believe strongly that every family is unique. In some, dads will be more active in the daily parenting, and in others less so – not because they are men and having a penis renders them incapable, but just because that is how the specific family dynamic works. In our family, it is my husband who does the school run twice a day, sorts out everyone’s breakfasts and uniforms, and gets up with our 18 month old in the night when he wakes (which is most nights). While he might not be able to breastfeed our babies, it is pretty much the only thing he cannot do, and he certainly makes a huge difference in my abilities to breastfeed and nurture.

What bothers me most about the resurgence of some of these old-fashioned ideas about birth and parenting being ‘women’s business’, is that they are often attributed to the stereotypical ‘macho men’, but actually, they are increasingly being endorsed and promoted by some birth professionals.

You don’t know my husband!

As a woman and a mum, I thank no person who thinks they are liberating or empowering me by suggesting that I would be better off without the father of my children at my birth or in my home during those early few days and weeks.

Quite simply, they don’t know me, they don’t know my husband, they don’t know my family – and are therefore not qualified to make that assertion on our behalf.

Yes, it might suit some families for dad not to be at the birth, or take a shorter paternity leave – and I support each individual family to challenge societal expectations, to explore their options and make a choice for themselves – if it works for you, then it’s the right choice. But it didn’t and doesn’t suit me and my family, and so there will also be plenty of others it also won’t work for.

Our third birth experience was a wonderful home birth and I was generally on an oxytocin-fuelled cloud nine the first few weeks – but I still wanted and needed my husband. In fact, he was integral to create the beautiful birthing and babymoon experience I enjoyed! By making assertions that these experiences and times ‘should be’ for women only, then all this achieves is judging and limiting MY choices, not supporting my reality and wishes of motherhood and mothering.

My reality included:

During our third pregnancy, my husband came to every single antenatal appointment with me, to be involved in the decisions and options for our pregnancy, and to support me.

He was the one who booked, collected and built the birth pool. (He was also the one who emptied, cleaned it and took it back afterwards).

He was the one who sorted out the older children’s dinner and then settled them into bed while I relaxed and rocked on my birth ball as labour got going.

He was the one who prepared my birth space, with the music, lighting and scent.

He was the one who asked our midwife to read our detailed birth plan in the hallway before being permitted to come into the room, in order to respect the ambiance I needed.

He was the one who I needed to hear give me encouragement, the only one I wanted in the room with me, the only person I had in the room with me until the moment baby was literally emerging.

He was the one who told the midwife to stop stitching a perineal repair when I became very distressed and wanted to be able to tell her to stop but couldn’t find the words.

He was the one who, when I lost a huge chunk of retained amniotic sac in the middle of the night 72 hours after birth (and I thought my uterus was falling out!) that I shouted for in the middle of the night for help.

He was the one who checked the antibiotic prescription I was given, discovered it was wrong and got it corrected.

He was the one who took our newborn son (and both the older children) for an outing to the park when I nearly collapsed with exhaustion 7 days after birth, so I could get a couple of hours sleep.

He was the one who kept me constantly supplied with drinks and biscuits, without being asked, throughout the early days and weeks of breastfeeding.

He was the one who washed and dried every reusable nappy and wipe we used in that first few weeks.

He was the one who cooked all our meals.

He was the one who sang to and rocked our baby when I needed a shower, or some space.

He was the one who sang to and rocked our baby just because he loved him and wanted to enjoy him.

He did all these things, and he did a million more.

Don’t belittle mums and dads like us

I don’t think this is what every dad should do, nor what every mum would necessarily want or need. But it was and IS right for us.

I say it again, because it is so important, I am not being liberated or empowered with the suggestion that I would be better off without the father of my children at my birth or in my home in those first few weeks.

When ‘experts’ start promoting the idea that men are inherently detrimental to birth, that men have nothing to offer in the early days at home with a baby – then they are belittling my experience and wishes.

After the birth of our first baby seven years ago, my husband went back to work after a week. Mainly because at the time it was what was ‘normal’ in our circle and we bowed down to those cultural expectations. This was incredibly tough on both of us. We had BOTH just become parents, and were struggling with our own individual different adjustment issues. We were both vulnerable, confused and trying to navigate a new kind of relationship with our son and with each other – this was all made so much harder by him being out of the house 12 hours a day, 5 days a week.

Don’t take away men’s roles as fathers

Conversely, after the birth of our third baby, my husband lost his full time job. This should have been one of the worst things which could have happened – there was a lot of stress at losing our main income. However, for us, it was one of the best things which ever happened. Having him around helped me bond deeply with my baby. I had so much more emotional support. I had so much more practical support. I had a wonderful experience of breastfeeding with no bottles or pumps in sight. We had so much more time to adjust to life as a new family dynamic. He had time to focus on his unique relationship as a dad with his new son. He gave me and my newborn son the space, opportunity and time to bond in a way which I hadn’t had with my other two children.

Was my husband ‘destined’ to be this kind of supporter? Is he just ‘different’ from the rest of the men on the planet? No – as said, this wasn’t the experience we had during and after the birth of our first baby, and those who have heard either of us speak about that time, will known in even greater detail what a completely different experience it was. But what DID happen, was he was given an opportunity – something which many seem to want to take away from men now. His role as a father was valued rather than minimised. He had the opportunity to learn how to be the best birth partner he could be. He had the opportunity to be hands on with his babies.

My husband being a great dad, does not detract in any way from my role and abilities as a mum. I do not need to degrade him or criticise him to build myself up. I am not ‘lesser than’ for wanting and needing his support and company. He cannot be a mum, and I cannot be a dad. Parenting is not a competition, and while we certainly should not be perpetuating any ‘mummy wars’ we shouldn’t be trying to stir up battles between mums and dads either – this is completely contrary to building strong families.

We all have choices

There is a very special and unique relationship between a mum and her baby. This is indisputable. It is not a given though that a dad being around undermines this unique relationship – in our case, I found having him around enabled me to really give myself over to that relationship, in a way I hadn’t been able to with my other children. I would lose myself in that relationship, while everything around me was sorted out by someone I innately trusted to be in my space at this special and hugely intimate time.

By all means if as an individual family it is more appropriate that dad is not at the birth, or takes much paternity leave – that is a choice which is open to them to take. We need to better support families to understand their range of choices and without judgement. But trying to argue limited paternity leave for everyone is in mums’ best interests, or that men ‘shouldn’t’ be allowed in the birth environment, you not only disempower men, you also limit my choices and disempower me, as a woman and a mum.

And what about the dads themselves? By promoting this assertion that men are not required, we continue to build a cultural belief which becomes a self-fulfilling property. If men are continually told they are superfluous, they will become more distanced from what is happening at a crucial time in their family – not through choice, not due to what is actually right for their family, not due to their actual ability – but due to a cultural expectation. Is that what we want? Do we really think it is acceptable to tell dads they are not important antenatally, don’t have a place at birth, and are better off out of the home in the early weeks? Then we think it is ok to criticise them for not knowing how to change a nappy, or when their children take a nap – and then poke fun at them when they refer to themselves as ’babysitters’ rather than parents? This is a dreadful disempowerment and tearing down of the potential positivity of fatherhood.

Our fourth baby is due in a couple of months. I am planning for another intimate birthing and babymoon experience. It is an incredible and unique time, and one in which I need to have support, love and trust. Thank you in advance to my wonderful husband – there is no one who would be able to do this for me and our baby as well as you.

Steph is co-founder of antenatal & parenting programmes MummyNatal, BabyNatal and DaddyNatal. You can find out more by visiting her website www.mummynatal.co.uk.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 13 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com