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Where are men’s voices in debates about abortion?

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If men don’t join the debate about abortion then how will we ever find out what men’s experience of this important issue is, asks Paul Mills.

A few weeks ago I watched a TV programme which has caused me real thought – so much so, that it has taken me three weeks to be able to successfully sit down and write this article.

The programme concerned was BBC3’s look at the issue of abortion (Abortion – Ireland’s Guilty Secret). The programme was presented in a balanced way by Alys Harte, looking carefully at both sides of the debate and across the community. Like me, the programme acknowledges the real challenges in how we think about this issue and the significant schism between the ‘pro life’ and ‘right to abortion’ camps; and the challenges for example in deciding what is the upper limit in terms of weeks for an abortion to be performed, and under what qualifying circumstances – so that’s not what this article is about.

What this article is about, is asking the question ‘Where are the voices of men in these conversations and debates?’. Astoundingly, during the whole of the programme there was only one relatively young potential father interviewed – and he presented as needy and was very much in a ‘puppy dog’ way supporting his partner and the process she was going through – whilst bemoaning the imperfections of the system.

What we did not see was a single man engaging fully with the programme about his feelings on the abortion of his child, about his involvement in the process and sharing of the decision making, and shared responsibility for the terminated foetus. We were not therefore able to properly access the issue from the male perspective – to begin to appreciate what it is to be a potential father dealing with the questions and emotions and the potentially bowel watering effect of having to choose abortion – or life for ones offspring. I have to say that I became outraged that this is so.

As a man myself I am really clear that my seed is, to me, sacred; and therefore being part of the decision and responsibility/accountability around how the result of its part in creating a life plays out, is something that is probably only eclipsed in importance by a handful of other things – for example an existing other life. So, I asked myself again; where are men in this debate?

I reflected back through my years of adult life and realised that, apart from a handful of professional situations as a coach/mentor I have never heard a single man discuss, celebrate, lament or verbalise in any way, about an abortion he has been involved in as a dad!

How can this be. Apparently there are around 200,000 abortions a year in the UK – that’s 770 per working day! So how can it be that so many men remain almost silent on the matter.

What I did find was a really thought provoking Telegraph article by Neil Lyndon looking at the ‘controversial’ Bill tabled in Ohio, seeking to give fathers a final say in abortion. Now, perhaps unsurprisingly, the bill fell, however it did gain a significant following – and stoked some real questioning about where men’s rights are, in law around the proactive termination of pregnancy.

Our Feminist colleagues point out vociferously that a woman should have absolute rights over her body; this, I have no issue with. At the same time a woman’s body, as the life support system of a foetus – jointed created by the woman and the father must have shared responsibility and , if men and women are truly equal, then the man must have much more voice and say in the destiny of their child; whatever your views about viability and when a sperm and egg transmute into a new life. For me it’s simple. Joint, equal and mutual responsibility and say starts at conception.

So, fellow men, where are our voices, where are our legal and moral rights to a share in the decision making – come on – let’s hear them!

—Photo Credit: Flickr/Treslola

Paul Mills lives on the West coast of Scotland. He is is a parent, a trainer in the education and care sectors, an ex foster carer and therapeutic teacher who cares passionately about and working with young people, especially boys, as they start their life’s journey.

 

 

I love going on adventures with my sons, it’s fatherhood at its best!

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Spending time away with your children is something all dads should do says Paul Mills, who enjoys regular adventures with his two sons.

Arguably the greatest gift of my adult life has been my two boys, and some of the best times I have had with them has been our precious ‘dad and boy’ trips – just the two or three of us, no work, no email, no other commitments and the great outdoors to explore and be alive in.

For us these annual trips consist of sailing on a yacht away from ‘civilisation’ to explore isolated islands and coves or off road trips into the Sahara desert with endless miles of dunes, hamada and sparse vegetation.

We also have regular evening or weekend sessions lasting a couple of precious hours, nearer to home, of a simple nature and led by the boys desires for freedom and exploration – to a camp in the woods, or a beach at low water, or to dam a mountain stream.

Focus on what’s important

At these times it’s a real opportunity to focus on what’s important and to develop a greater connection with each other as men and boys, away from other distractions and agenda’s – in that slightly different way that happens when there is just one parent – dad – in the picture.

Me and the boys call this ‘expedition mode’. It means that we are not bound by strict timings and schedules, we have food that we enjoy – and cook it together often outdoors, we get dirty freely and then choose whether there is any point in drying/changing – or not.

We take time to laugh and have fun, splashing in the water – stripping off for an end of day swim or surfing down a sand dune just because we can. We marvel at nature, sun sets and the night sky. We listen to the silence and when we talk the words are more meaningful.

Sleeping under the stars

When we can, we sleep under the stars and talk about important stuff – in between teasing and joking in that way that people who care about each other do, out of love and mutual admiration. We have fires and make stuff and the boys get real responsibility – taking a full part in what we are doing.

This could be managing our water supply or getting wood for the evening fire, it could be working out a route that keeps us away from the rocks or steering the boat in high winds and big seas so that dad can go forward, clipped onto a lifeline, and take a sail down.

At these times I really appreciate my boys and what it is to be their dad. I get to value them for being themselves; not the them as part of their peer group, or the them that is or isn’t ‘performing at an age appropriate level’ at school (whatever that means).

I get to be close to them for days on end, laying awake in the tent at night listening to their quiet breathing and dreamy mumblings and sighs. I watch them turning a rock pool into a moated, fortified encampment or building a den in the deserted ruin of a foreign legion fort. I get to hold onto to them as we crawl on our bellies to the edge of a 100m escarpment to peer down as the wind tugs viciously at our clothing and hair.

Precious little time 

I also see how they approach other people and what they bring to this contact, offering help with a tent, our tow rope when another vehicle is stuck; or chatting with a old and wrinkled shoemaker in his workshop in a Saharan dusty town, and cherishing beyond reason his gift of a leather necklace with their name carved into it – wearing it with pride and explaining its origin to visitors with starry eyes and a far away look.

In this modern world we so often get completely immersed in external pressures and demands, in work that maintains our professional pride; or simply getting through the 18 hours of pressure, travel, routines, commitments and keeping up with the Jones that make up our days, before tumbling exhausted into bed for a precious few hours respite.

How does this serve us as men? how does this help us be good dads? What do our kids think of how we prioritise our time and how we interact with them? ­ go on, I challenge you, take a few minutes to reflect, and then choose to spend some ‘dad and boy’ time of your own, put it in the diary and make it a priority; you will never regret it and your boys will remember it forever!

—Photo: Flickr/frontierofficial

Paul Mills lives on the West coast of Scotland. He is is a parent, a trainer in the education and care sectors, an ex foster carer and therapeutic teacher who cares passionately about and working with young people, especially boys, as they start their life’s journey.

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Dads, what would you do if your son pushed a bully?

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My youngest son, Jack, has always been a passionate young man; keen to see fairness, ensure everyone is safe and protect others from injustice with a strong voice and righteous energy – and I love him for it.

A few years ago, when he was just 6 years old, he was in the playground at break time and used this knightly energy to protect his friend, Tom, also 6 – and unhappily the wearer of a stomach mounted insulin pump, from another child’s violence. Jack and Tom, being active type boys, were playing a tig type game within a group when Tom was kicked violently in the stomach by another boy who was enraged by an unfairness.

Jack immediately and instinctively, whilst dodging further blows, shoved the angry boy away hard and shouted clearly and strongly that kicking Tom was not ok. He then comforted his mate and took him sobbing and in some discomfort to the playground supervisor, for adult help.

Zero tolerance gone mad?

What followed was a really good illustration of how confused some institutions and their staff have become around the whole area of behaviour, the nature of being a boy, violence – and the dreaded zero tolerance policy. Now, the boy who had violently kicked out had some diagnosed behavioural issues – so was appropriately talked to along the lines of agreed and planned responses to his anti-social behaviours – so far so good and to be applauded.

The victim, Tom, was taken to see the school office to check his pump and he were ok, was helped to calm down and given sympathy – also good, and what we would all, I feel sure, want for our youngster. My son, who remember was only 6, and had protected another vulnerable little boy, in the best way he knew how, was taken to the Head and given a warning.

Apparently he had breached the schools ‘zero tolerance’ policy towards violence by aggressively pushing and shouting at the perpetrator. He was given a clear understanding that any such repeat would result in an exclusion, despite his corroborated explanations of what had taken place and his clear and reasoned assertions that Tom needed his protection; that his punishment was simply not a ‘normal’ response and most definitely not fair!

When is it right to be a knight?

You see, despite him being only 6, this policy was not flexible for him; because he did not have a diagnosis of ADHD, that allowed for flexibility and recognition of individuality.

My lovely, loving and brave son came home in tears of injustice, upset and hurt. We talked and I held him and praised him for protecting his friend. I told him it was all of our jobs to protect the vulnerable, that sometimes this needed us to be physical against the aggressor – and that if possible it was better to not use violence; I also let him know that I was pleased he had pushed rather than hit.

That night I made sure that the bedtime story was one that both acknowledged his actions, validated caring for others – and at the same time the ability to recognise that sometimes even the strong and powerful (read school staff – Kings in the story) can get things wrong – and that is ok to forgive them because of their many good deeds along the way, and in looking after and caring for their subjects and their kingdom.

Let common sense prevail

The next day when I dropped Jack at school I reaffirmed the messages I had given him, that I was proud of him and together we walked across the school yard to greet Tom – who gave Jack a spontaneous all enveloping hug. I exchanged eye contact, a smile and a morning greeting with the Head and registered her discomfort – clearly she had also been reflecting; which as an ex residential teacher myself I could both understand and empathise with.

You see in the moment we often have to follow policies and guidelines from ‘on high’ and are left in the wee small hours contemplating what we have done and all too often wishing we had the ability to wind back the clock just a few hours and deal differently with conflicting feelings, emotions and requirements.

To beat it all the school topic at that time was the first world war, and , apparently our shooting, bombing and killing was good – because we were ‘the goodies’ and our righteousness meant we were the victors; but the enemies similar acts were all too often war crimes – because they were ‘the baddies’ and so lost. At least in this playground moment only one vulnerable young knightly spirit was momentarily dented, and I was proud to be able to be there, salve the wounds, put him back on his horse, show my pride and set my son back on his wondrous journey on life’s quest.

 —Photo: Flickr/Walt Stone Burner

Paul Mills lives on the West coast of Scotland. He is is a parent, a trainer in the education and care sectors, an ex foster carer and therapeutic teacher who cares passionately about and working with young people, especially boys, as they start their life’s journey.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com