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How old is too old to be a dad?

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I always envisaged that I’d be a dad by 25-years-old. I’m not quite sure why I had that milestone in mind – perhaps something to do with the age of my folks who had me in their mid-20s – but it has always been important to me to be on the younger side.

–This is article #63 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

No offence is intended to the older parents out there, but I personally feel that both parent and child miss out if they are unable to play together without fear of putting their back out. Having had a very active childhood myself where, as a family, we’d play sports, do activities and generally frolic around, it has always been key for me to give the same experiences to the fruit of my loins.

At 28-years-old, and the missus being 26-years-old, I don’t consider us to be young by any stretch of the imagination, particularly as I’m a few years behind schedule – I’ll be 29-years-old once the little bundle of joy pops out. Yes, we may not go out like we once did at Uni and our idea of fun now might be walking in the woods with the dog or watching box sets (currently House of Cards for anyone interested), but the truth is we seem to be on the younger side of parenthood.

Average age of mums on the rise

This point has been affirmed with recent trips to the midwife and to the hospital where I struggled to spot anyone who looked anywhere near our age. Perhaps that’s down to bad hospital lighting or a lifetime of excessive alcohol and poor diet, but the most likely reason is because everyone is actually older.

A report from the Guardian last year suggested that the age of mums continues to rise as more and more women delay having a child until later in life. The article reads:

The average age of mothers has continued to increase for almost four decades. It is currently 29.7, but 49% of women are over 30 when their baby arrives.

It [The Office for National Statistics] said on Thursday: “The overall rise since 1973 reflects the increasing numbers of women who have been delaying childbearing to later years. Possible influences include increased participation in higher education, increased female participation in the labour force, the increasing importance of a career, the rising opportunity costs of childbearing, labour market uncertainty, housing facts and instability of partnerships.”

Berkhamsted – ‘too posh for Lidl’

That has certainly been our experience to date. Eavesdropping whilst waiting for the midwife / nurse has meant that we’ve discovered that a 39-year-old having her fourth kid and a 36-year-old having her first baby is actually the norm, much to my surprise.

I’d imagine that our experiences have partly been a consequence of where we reside. Berkhamsted – recently described by the Daily Mail as “The town that thinks it’s too posh for a Lidl” – tends to be inhabited by individuals who have moved out of London to settle down, but still need to easily get to the capital.

As such, and as per the ONS quote above, a career can often be seen as the priority, with kids being delayed until the biological clock has nearly ticked its last tock. In other areas of the UK – and I’m including where I was born in this – getting a partner, settling down and having a kid tends to be the norm for those that don’t go on to Further Education, thus teenage parents is quite common place.

There’s obviously no right or wrong when it comes to age and parenthood (with the obvious caveat being those under 16-years-old!) but I find it interesting that in Scunthorpe we would be old parents, yet in Berkhamsted we are young.

This article was originally published on the DADventurer blog here

Picture Credit: Flickr/Stephan Hochhaus

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

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Dads, what would you do if you had to choose between kids and career?

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What would you do if you had to choose between putting your children or your job first? One dad explains how he faced this question and came up with an answer that he hopes will work for his whole family (including himself). 

Have you ever had one of those life-changing decisions to make? A decision where there is no right or wrong answer, but the path you choose will define your life, at least in the medium-term? Well that’s something we’re having to toy with at the moment.

The beginning seems a good place to start…

After five-years working in the high-pressured, long-hours world of management consultancy, I’d lost my motivation and needed a change. After a few interviews with similar companies, I decided consultancy was no longer for me. Neither was commuting or spending time away from home anymore. I’d often leave early on a Monday and not come back until late on a Friday, taking in the wonders of places like Chatham, Reading and Hastings in the process!

I went back to basics and tried to figure out what I was passionate about. This led me to sports, particularly football. I somehow managed to find a job in football that was willing to pay me the same wage for working just 10-minutes from my house. I handed in my notice and started my new job. Not wanting to go into too much detail, but the concept was good but the delivery was poor. The MD didn’t have a clue and the majority of other employees were not interested in football and didn’t have the required skills.

Should I be at home helping or at work earning?

It soon became clear that the company was in financial trouble too and that it was too late for me to help turn the fortunes around. This eventually led to a failure to pay wages to staff and me taking the decision to hand in my notice after becoming disillusioned with the MD’s incompetence. This was just over a year ago. I spent the next few months looking for a job whilst bringing in a bit of money here and there through various bits of freelance work. I managed to get an interview in December with a sports research company, a second interview in January and was offered the job with them the other day.

With a baby on the way, do I take the job which guarantees a salary and other benefits to ensure the family is supported financially, at the detriment of commuting over two hours each day and spending less time with my new family. Or do I turn down the job to continue my freelance career, which doesn’t guarantee and income, but means I can be at home with the wife and sprog when it comes along.

This is the crux of the predicament. Without a crystal ball, how do you know what is the right or wrong thing to do? When you’re at a junction, which path do you follow when both directions look appealing but for different reasons? I guess this is the life of an adult and something that is only going to intensify when I’m a parent.

After much discussion and soul searching, we decided to go with the latter. I turned down the job to be able to spend time with the family and then take over the stay-at-home parenting reigns after Hay has finished maternity leave. We’re luckily in a position where we’ve been able to save a bit of money, so if I struggle to get paid, or during the maternity period when Hay is on a reduced salary, we should (just) be able to cover bills and mortgage then have savings as a backup.

Following maternity leave, as Hay gets a bonus for returning, is on a better salary than me and works 20 minutes away, it makes sense  for me to be a stay-at-home dad (or SAHD, I’ve just learnt!). I can then look after the kid and dog whilst working from home writing football and betting content in the down-time. Or at least that’s the theory!

So is there anything I’ve garnered from this experience?

Communication is key:  It may sound simple, but being open and honest with your better half is vital. If you don’t share and talk things though as a couple and as a family, how can you know that your decisions are in the best interests of everyone? Sometimes there will be disagreements and differences in opinion too – that is where communication becomes even more vital to ensure a solution can be worked through. Talk, talk and talk some more.

Money isn’t everything:  Bills need to be paid and food needs to be bought. There’s no getting around that. But, money doesn’t need to be the be all and end all. For some people, it is. For us, it isn’t. We obviously want to be able to live a comfortable life and give the kids everything they want (within reason), but the most important thing for us is having two parents around who can share both the hard and fun times of raising a kid.

There’s not always a right or wrong answer:  Life is easier when we look at things as good or bad, black or white and right or wrong. However, in most situations there isn’t a definitive answer. You just need to figure out and decide on what choice you wish to make having taken all of the different factors into account.

Only time will tell as to whether the decision we have made is the best option. For us, we think it is.

About the writer:

Dave describes himself as a late-twenty something, happily married, newbie Dad. You can find about more about Dave at his blog, The DADventurer, where you’ll find him chronicling the trials and tribulations of being a new dad whilst juggling the pressures that come with modern life. You can also follow Dave on Twitter @the_dadventurer or on facebook at The DADventurer.

—Photo credit: Flickr/Alexander Lyubavin

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