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One man’s story of taking up boxing at the age of 32

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On the eve of the Mayweather v Pacquiao fight, Clive Maxheath shares his own experience of stepping into a boxing ring for the first time.

 

 

Three minutes before the fight my dad entered the locker room. In one look we knew why I was there. Boxing was a seed planted decades earlier. This moment of reflective relief was broken by a scream from the arena. Fight night, under the arches and this evening I wasn’t a fan in the crowd…I was the Main Event!

Aged nine I remember with joy the era of Eubank, Benn, Tyson & Bruno. Watching ITV Saturday night prime time with dad was very special. Boxing was for me then and still is now, pure escapism. Frank Bruno once described boxing as show business with blood, the weigh in, the ring entrances, the lights – he wasn’t wrong. I was totally hooked and I wasn’t just an observer either. Like many a British boy I had a football goal in the back garden, but I had something else too, in the shadows, inside the shed walls, was a full length punch bag.

Fast forward twenty three years, aged thirty two my journey to the ring formally began. My sporting career up until then was far from glamorous, but certainly varied, a melting pot of amateur football, racket sports & the occasional round of golf.

Fit to punch

For all the joy, treasured memories and friendships these endeavours brought – they’d also brought a knee injury requiring keyhole surgery. Sprinting around the pitch wasn’t such a wise idea now, it was time for the shin pads to go away and the gloves to go on, to go back to the punch bag of my childhood. Back to Boxing.

The first hurdle was the pure logistics of the training; I started at a local gym but with limited boxing classes on offer I soon realised I needed flexibility in terms of access. Once I found a dedicated boxing gym, persistent corrections from the coach showed me that my technique of jumping around throwing wild punches (although fun and weirdly therapeutic) wasn’t going to work. Fitness was another issue, I considered myself a generally sporty chap who’d be okay, however after two minutes of a fitness class I nearly threw up a lung! In boxing a superhuman level of fitness is not the chequered flag – it’s the baseline for getting in the ring.

In these early experiences when I walked into the gym I experienced a strong sense of fear. Many times i’d run from this emotion, however with experience I now know it may be worth a minutes pause and some exploration. I spent some time alone reflecting and knew that my fear was connected with the impending journey. The fear was complicated, there were a number of facets both mentally and physically; fear of the training, fear of the fight, fear of telling people and them maybe watching me fight. The fears were present but my desire to overcome was stronger, one gym session after another, I started walking the walk.

My first sparring match

Slowly learning the basics and increasing my training over nine months I was confronted with my biggest fear so far; the infamous sparring class. Now for those less knowledgable on boxing training, this is the class where you put on a head guard and gum shield and test yourself in a semi-competitive environment. My boxing trainer says ‘You can hit pads and bags all day long, but they don’t hit back. Sparring is where you’ll really learn the game.’

Man! The nerves I felt that evening walking into the gym. The trainer called my name as if I were being selected for some kind of strange sacrifice. I tapped gloves with my opponent and away we went. It was all a blur – but I remember being amazed at how quickly I was out of breath. Being in an extreme situation (someone trying to pound me into the ground) my brain had executed an adrenaline charged survival program. All my senses were heightened, I was fully alert and burning energy fast. It was incredibly exciting, however after about thirty seconds I felt like I’d been sprint training with Usain Bolt.

No pain, no gain!

I’d completed the class & it felt amazing, i had survived. That’s the deal with fear – there is little else better in life than confronting it and coming out the other side. Sparring had taught me two important lessons. The first was the requirement to maintain a level of calm in the fury. I’d gotten too easily caught up in the adrenaline of the moment and as result some of the fundamental boxing skills i’d learnt previously were forgotten. The second was getting used to being hit. With the choice of freeze, fight or flight my natural instinct was the latter! But by trying to ‘avoid’, being hurt I was instead retreating, taking more hits than ever. My coach explained that at certain stages of a fight I would have to take a punch or two in order to get in range and connect with my own shots. I was over another hurdle but there was work to be done. Only more sparring experience and time in the ring would allow me to improve.

In the ensuing months, after taking a lot of punishment and dishing out a little of my own, I was ready to face my next test. I remember well the apprehension I felt approaching the gym front desk and shakily saying those words ‘ Do you have any fight events open later this year? ‘ During this moment I remember passing through a kind of out of body experience. Logic had left me as I smiled, nodded and signed the paperwork. In just a few months time I would be going for three-two minute rounds with someone who was going to try and knock my head off in front of an audience of my closest friends and family, Nice! Only when I was walking away from the gym and I re-entered my body did my logical self suddenly interject and say ‘F*** Clive – what have you done?!’ What I now know looking back was that in this moment I’d won fifty percent of the battle – I’d committed and said ‘I’m in.’

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

An internal fear had been overcome and my reward came the following week in the form of trainer Martin Dimitrov. Martin had seen my commitment and offered to help train me. Martin was a highly respected trainer and previously a Bulgarian champion. A disciplined character renowned within the gym for his brutal gym classes and top level results. I’d always respected his approach but now in his small brood of fellow fighters I was going to be pushed to my limits. No pain…no gain. In preparation the intensity increased ten fold – immediately I moved from the one sparring class a week to three. I was given a strict running program to build my stamina and both before and after sparring were put through intense drills and bag/pad work.

I was improving but on my boxing fast track I took some hits, in one sparring session I was on the ropes and took a solid right over the top and my nose was busted open – blood spilling onto the canvas. I had a black eye for a while too, this I discovered, is the best ways you can promote a boxing match to friends and family. It didn’t feel like it at the time but looking back I was learning the sport the best way you can, the hard way!

Training with a small group of fellow fighters accelerated my learning, we kept each other motivated, supporting one another through some tough days in the gym. Pummelling each other during intense sparring battles in the ring one moment, sharing stories and a jokes outside the next. Both Martin and one of the other fighters in our group named Genadi were to stand in my corner on the night of the fight. Knowing they were going to be there gave me a certain confidence and inner strength, the bonding between a close knit group of people, with a similar aim has the undoubted power to do that. A week prior to the fight I completed a final full blooded training session. In this class Martin pushed me to my absolute limit as after one final round of gym sprints I collapsed on the floor panting, covered in sweat. I was ready!

Getting ready for my first big fight

In the days building up to the fight I felt naturally nervous, but confident in the work I’d done in the gym. The training had left me tired at times, but feeling fit, clear and confident. I even walked differently, an improved grounded version of myself.

On the morning of the fight I awoke to confront a fresh and final fear. A fatalistic fear that knew something serious was round the corner. I did my best to keep busy, I must have repacked my bag four times. Moving through the day I began to mentally prepare for the evening ahead, psyching myself up. By the time I got to the gym itself I was ready to get in and go. One small problem, I was last on the bill! There were to be a few more torturous hours ahead before I could claim my prize. In those hours many emotions ran through my body. I sat quietly, I paced up and down – minute by minute my brain flicking between nervousness, calm, confidence and fear.

And the winner is….

Pair by pair others walked the path before me – points or a knockout, victory or defeat. Until only two remained. Now we’re back where I started, three minutes before the fight, in the locker room – me and dad. I knew why I was here now, understood the history and how it had come to this. These gloves, this arena, the final chapter. Martin stuck his head around the door and said “Clive…..it’s time”.

I stood and Martin lead me to the corner of the locker room. He raised his pads and I began to warm up throwing combinations 1,2,3,4….1,2,3,4. I built up a rhythm over the next three to four minutes, focusing me completely on the present. Any remaining thoughts concerning the past or future melted away.

We paused, I turned and there he was, my opponent, our eyes locked for a second and just like that he went through the curtain and was gone. A few more seconds and I was ushered across the room to stand in front of the same red curtain. The sound being generated by a crowd was near deafening as the announcer called my name. My music played, I was so close, no turning back now! Brushing the curtain aside I stepped forward into a sea of noise and flashing lights! Moving under the ropes into the ring for a very brief moment I smiled to myself, i’d made it. Deep down inside I knew whatever happened over the next eight minutes…my boxing rites of passage was complete.

—Photo: flickr/familymwr

So! What happened next I hear you ask? No more written word, instead email me at clive.maxheath@gmail.com and I will provide you with exclusive access to a website and a video of the fight itself.

Interested in boxing training? Amateur Boxing Coach Martin Dimitrov is the man to speak to. You can either e-mail him at j_juga6vili@yahoo.com or contact him on 07943 578490 to discuss training options and maybe even start your own boxing rite of passage.

Want to become a Man who Walks his Talk? Clive Maxheath is the leader of a group coaching initiative called the Men’s Action Project (The MAP). To find out more visit the MAP website, find MAP on Facebook or follow him on twitter @CliveMaxheath to find out more about the service he provides.

We’re publishing a book!

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In just over a month, insideMAN will celebrate our first birthday. It’s been an incredible year in which we’re proud to have published literally hundreds of amazing stories about what it means to be a man today — stories that you simply wouldn’t have been able to read anywhere else.

So what better way to mark our first anniversary and celebrate this full-throated chorus of men’s voices, than by bringing the best of these stories together in one place as a ground-breaking, real-life, actually-hold-in-your-hands book?

insideMAN the book will contain everything from poignant first-person insights, such as one father’s experience of miscarriage and a young man’s battle with bulimia, taken from last year’s 100VoicesForMen series; to fascinating explorations of subjects that many of us simply take for granted – for example, why do men wear trousers anyway? It will also include practical advice from leading figures in the men’s movement on the best ways to raise awareness of the issues faced by men and boys.

But that’s not all. Oh no, not by a long shot. It will also contain new and exclusive articles from some of the UK’s leading thinkers and writers about men and masculinity, from across the political spectrum. We have articles from Martin Daubney, of Telegraph Men and former editor of Loaded; Guardian regular Ally Fogg; Tim Samuels from BBC Men’s Hour; Neil Lyndon, author of the seminal No More Sex War and the man who coined the term “metrosexual” himself, the brilliant Mark Simpson.

We just need your help to turn this into a reality.

We’re soon to launch an Indiegogo crowdfunding campaign to cover the £2,000 cost of publication, which we’ll promote alongside a series of specially-produced content to highlight the book’s unique and diverse stories.

Once it’s live you’ll be able to support the project by pre-ordering copies of the book as a paperback, hardback or eBook, and by sharing the crowdfunder link to anyone who knows a man or a boy.

In the meantime, you can support us by:

  • Adding your email to the sign up form to the right
  • Telling us what you think in a comment or a tweet using #insideMANbook
  • Following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

As well as producing a powerful, diverse and ground-breaking volume of men’s voices, we want to harness the momentum of the campaign to continue to foster the community of people engaging in this important conversation and raise the profile of the many important issues covered by the articles.

A massive thank you to all of the amazing men and women who have got involved over the past year. Let’s take this to the next level and continue to pioneer new conversations about men and boys.

Watch this space.

Go and see X + Y, it’s funny and it says good things about men

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I saw a film at the weekend that was the single most positive portrayal of men that I can remember seeing on the big screen. In it there are no fewer than four – count them, four – key male characters who are unfailingly decent and inspiring.

As such, I felt I should bloody well shout about it and tell as many people as possible to go and see it too. So that’s what I’m doing.

The film is X + Y, a perfectly-formed little bitter-sweet British comedy about a teenage boy who is both autistic and brilliant at maths. As a young boy Nathan’s dad, who was the only person who could communicate with him, is killed in a car crash.  Nathan is brought up by his lovely but devastated single mum, who not only carries deep grief for the loss of her husband, but also struggles to connect with her autistic son.

Not an oaf or a cad in sight

The central thread of the film follows Nathan’s gradual emergence from his shell, as he’s given the opportunity to compete in the International Maths Olympiad. Along the way, the film shows how both he and his mum grow personally and so does the relationship between them.

But the element of the film that’s so refreshing is that all of the core male characters are shown to be mature, loving and well-rounded men. There isn’t a bumbling oaf, or sneering cad in sight. And it’s still very funny.

From the loving dad, who we get to know through flash backs, to the sensitive therapist who first diagnoses Nathan’s autism, right through to the headmaster who’s first to recommend he takes special tuition in maths, and the maths teacher who goes on to become Nathan’s mentor, not to mention Nathan himself, there isn’t a dolt or a git in sight. Even the slightly officious maths coach, who leads the team in the International Maths Olympiad, is still basically a lovely bloke.

Hot Fuzz Vs Knocked Up

The closest the film comes to having a villain, is in the cruel rivalry between two of Nathan’s male maths team members, but even these two young men are presented as complex and ultimately decent, even if they are flawed.

The male characters in X + Y aren’t sliced-white perfect, it’s just the writers have chosen to sidestep the tired old man-child clichés that so often appear in contemporary film comedies. (To be fair, British film comedies have a better track record at creating decent male characters than the ones cranked out by Hollywood – compare Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, to Dumb and Dumber and Knocked Up, for example.)

But the depth of the characters in X + Y gave me the feeling that this time the writers had actually gone out to say something decent about men.

Over the last year, there’s been a real shift in the way dads are portrayed in adverts — both on TV and in the cinema, we’re starting to see advertisers targeting men by actually showing how much they care for their families. On “Super Bowl Sunday” in January, known as America’s highest-revenue advertising slot, ad firms seemed to compete with each other to run the most dad-friendly ads.

Wouldn’t it be great if X + Y were to herald a shift in the way men are portrayed in the main attraction as well?

By Dan Bell

If you liked this article and want to read more follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

Also on insideMAN:

Why can’t men and women tackle gender equality together?

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Anita Copley is helping to organise an all-panel discussion about the role of men in fighting for gender equality in Wales called #MenOnOurSide. Here she calls on men to join forces to tackle gender inequality.

So we all know the female is the underrepresented sex in top jobs. We’ve shouted and campaigned for about 100 years now and finally, men seem to be stepping up. The #HeforShe campaign saw Emma Watson formally invite men to join the conversation on gender equality. This was followed by the first ever all male conference discussing issues around female representation, nicknamed the Barber shop conference. But have we taken one step forward and two steps back?

Feminists and Meninists have taken to twitter to start a war. By the way, a Meninist is someone who fights for male rights, somewhat ironically. After Emma Watson’s speech, hundreds of bloggers and tweeters started to discuss how male problems also need to be addressed in order to move forward in gender equality.

Feminism versus Meninism

This escalated into childish debate between #Feminism and #Meninism. For example a woman tweeted “If you believe women should have equal rights as men you are a #Feminist” to which a man replied “just saw a girl lifting something heavy, what an outrage!!! #meninist” and so the abuse begins, with endless sarcastic tweets addressing series issues such as domestic violence, careers and rape.

This then led to #Meninist branded T-shirts and jumpers as being sported around university campuses. Which then lead to a lot of females also sporting these jumpers because it’s still very confusing if this is an ironic or serious campaign. Which then lead to even more abuse like “Any female that wears a #Meninist shirt is honestly the definition of thirst for male approval”.

So you get the point. A woman’s ‘problem’ was addressed, and then a few males raised the point that men have ‘problems’ too and how are they being addressed? And before you know it we’ve started a war. There are now endless spoof campaigns for nearly every gender equality issue you can think of and at the end of the day what are we achieving by participating in these campaigns?

There are not male or female problems

Have we forgotten that when it comes to equality there are not ‘male’ or ‘female’ problems? It’s about everyone and it involves everyone. It’s gender equality, and last time I checked there was more than one gender.

So let’s propose a cease fire, and sit down at the table to discuss real change. The first step Women of Wales will take is to host an all-male panel discussion on 12 March for International Women’s Day with some fantastic men who care about achieving gender equality.

As Emma Watson said, “How can we effect change in the world when only half of it is invited or feel welcome to participate in the conversation?” Well let’s start talking about our problems, and face them together as men and women. Let’s find solutions to our problems in gender equality and leave the twitter trolls to it.

See Also:

 

 

—Picture: Flickr/Moodboard Photography

Anita Copley works for the Presiding Officer of the National Assembly for Wales, Dame Rosemary Butler AM who launched the Women in Public Life campaign in 2012.

You can find out more about  “Men on our Side” discussion in Wales  on Thursday 12th March by  visiting the Women Making a Difference website.

Great infographic: 23 things for a dad to teach his son

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Al Ferguson from The Dad Network UK has come up with his all time list of 23 things he wants to teach his son.

I might not know everything there is to know and the boy might not fully understand why he is learning what I decide to teach him… But I’m sure he’ll thank me at some point in his life.

There’s something special about dads teaching their sons invaluable skills for getting through life. When I found out I was having a son, all the wonderful, both practical & emotional, essential life skills that I will need to teach him flashed before my eyes. Amongst other things, I could see the two of us calmly sitting on a log, pen knives in hand and me teaching him to always cut away from your body and to keep your fingers out the way.

There are so many things that I simply can’t wait to teach my son and so I’ve compiled them into a list of 23 things:

23 valuable things I think you’ll agree! He won’t get far through life without these essential things which is why it’s important for me to teach my son them! He’ll be fine now if he has to use reef knot to repair his bike so he can cycle to collect his car to drive to his girlfriends in a blue shirt without headphones in and gets caught in the wilderness having to hunt for his own food. Absolutely fine… And he’ll be polite to any bears that try to attack him too!

—Photo: Flickr/Poppofatticus 

You can follow Al’s fatherhood adventures at www.thedadnetwork.co.uk of follow him on twitter @thedadnetworkuk.

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

 

Dads are not disposable

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It’s not acceptable to send out the message that dads are irrelevant, they’re not says mother and  antenatal practitioner, Steph Beaumont.

There has been a lot of commentary recently about dads, and a lot of it quite negative. As a mum of three with one on the way, as well as an antenatal practitioner, I have found this really sad. Coming from people who are certainly influential in the world of birth, I wonder how we have reached this point where it feels acceptable to send out the message that dads are pretty irrelevant. 

I believe strongly that every family is unique. In some, dads will be more active in the daily parenting, and in others less so – not because they are men and having a penis renders them incapable, but just because that is how the specific family dynamic works. In our family, it is my husband who does the school run twice a day, sorts out everyone’s breakfasts and uniforms, and gets up with our 18 month old in the night when he wakes (which is most nights). While he might not be able to breastfeed our babies, it is pretty much the only thing he cannot do, and he certainly makes a huge difference in my abilities to breastfeed and nurture.

What bothers me most about the resurgence of some of these old-fashioned ideas about birth and parenting being ‘women’s business’, is that they are often attributed to the stereotypical ‘macho men’, but actually, they are increasingly being endorsed and promoted by some birth professionals.

You don’t know my husband!

As a woman and a mum, I thank no person who thinks they are liberating or empowering me by suggesting that I would be better off without the father of my children at my birth or in my home during those early few days and weeks.

Quite simply, they don’t know me, they don’t know my husband, they don’t know my family – and are therefore not qualified to make that assertion on our behalf.

Yes, it might suit some families for dad not to be at the birth, or take a shorter paternity leave – and I support each individual family to challenge societal expectations, to explore their options and make a choice for themselves – if it works for you, then it’s the right choice. But it didn’t and doesn’t suit me and my family, and so there will also be plenty of others it also won’t work for.

Our third birth experience was a wonderful home birth and I was generally on an oxytocin-fuelled cloud nine the first few weeks – but I still wanted and needed my husband. In fact, he was integral to create the beautiful birthing and babymoon experience I enjoyed! By making assertions that these experiences and times ‘should be’ for women only, then all this achieves is judging and limiting MY choices, not supporting my reality and wishes of motherhood and mothering.

My reality included:

During our third pregnancy, my husband came to every single antenatal appointment with me, to be involved in the decisions and options for our pregnancy, and to support me.

He was the one who booked, collected and built the birth pool. (He was also the one who emptied, cleaned it and took it back afterwards).

He was the one who sorted out the older children’s dinner and then settled them into bed while I relaxed and rocked on my birth ball as labour got going.

He was the one who prepared my birth space, with the music, lighting and scent.

He was the one who asked our midwife to read our detailed birth plan in the hallway before being permitted to come into the room, in order to respect the ambiance I needed.

He was the one who I needed to hear give me encouragement, the only one I wanted in the room with me, the only person I had in the room with me until the moment baby was literally emerging.

He was the one who told the midwife to stop stitching a perineal repair when I became very distressed and wanted to be able to tell her to stop but couldn’t find the words.

He was the one who, when I lost a huge chunk of retained amniotic sac in the middle of the night 72 hours after birth (and I thought my uterus was falling out!) that I shouted for in the middle of the night for help.

He was the one who checked the antibiotic prescription I was given, discovered it was wrong and got it corrected.

He was the one who took our newborn son (and both the older children) for an outing to the park when I nearly collapsed with exhaustion 7 days after birth, so I could get a couple of hours sleep.

He was the one who kept me constantly supplied with drinks and biscuits, without being asked, throughout the early days and weeks of breastfeeding.

He was the one who washed and dried every reusable nappy and wipe we used in that first few weeks.

He was the one who cooked all our meals.

He was the one who sang to and rocked our baby when I needed a shower, or some space.

He was the one who sang to and rocked our baby just because he loved him and wanted to enjoy him.

He did all these things, and he did a million more.

Don’t belittle mums and dads like us

I don’t think this is what every dad should do, nor what every mum would necessarily want or need. But it was and IS right for us.

I say it again, because it is so important, I am not being liberated or empowered with the suggestion that I would be better off without the father of my children at my birth or in my home in those first few weeks.

When ‘experts’ start promoting the idea that men are inherently detrimental to birth, that men have nothing to offer in the early days at home with a baby – then they are belittling my experience and wishes.

After the birth of our first baby seven years ago, my husband went back to work after a week. Mainly because at the time it was what was ‘normal’ in our circle and we bowed down to those cultural expectations. This was incredibly tough on both of us. We had BOTH just become parents, and were struggling with our own individual different adjustment issues. We were both vulnerable, confused and trying to navigate a new kind of relationship with our son and with each other – this was all made so much harder by him being out of the house 12 hours a day, 5 days a week.

Don’t take away men’s roles as fathers

Conversely, after the birth of our third baby, my husband lost his full time job. This should have been one of the worst things which could have happened – there was a lot of stress at losing our main income. However, for us, it was one of the best things which ever happened. Having him around helped me bond deeply with my baby. I had so much more emotional support. I had so much more practical support. I had a wonderful experience of breastfeeding with no bottles or pumps in sight. We had so much more time to adjust to life as a new family dynamic. He had time to focus on his unique relationship as a dad with his new son. He gave me and my newborn son the space, opportunity and time to bond in a way which I hadn’t had with my other two children.

Was my husband ‘destined’ to be this kind of supporter? Is he just ‘different’ from the rest of the men on the planet? No – as said, this wasn’t the experience we had during and after the birth of our first baby, and those who have heard either of us speak about that time, will known in even greater detail what a completely different experience it was. But what DID happen, was he was given an opportunity – something which many seem to want to take away from men now. His role as a father was valued rather than minimised. He had the opportunity to learn how to be the best birth partner he could be. He had the opportunity to be hands on with his babies.

My husband being a great dad, does not detract in any way from my role and abilities as a mum. I do not need to degrade him or criticise him to build myself up. I am not ‘lesser than’ for wanting and needing his support and company. He cannot be a mum, and I cannot be a dad. Parenting is not a competition, and while we certainly should not be perpetuating any ‘mummy wars’ we shouldn’t be trying to stir up battles between mums and dads either – this is completely contrary to building strong families.

We all have choices

There is a very special and unique relationship between a mum and her baby. This is indisputable. It is not a given though that a dad being around undermines this unique relationship – in our case, I found having him around enabled me to really give myself over to that relationship, in a way I hadn’t been able to with my other children. I would lose myself in that relationship, while everything around me was sorted out by someone I innately trusted to be in my space at this special and hugely intimate time.

By all means if as an individual family it is more appropriate that dad is not at the birth, or takes much paternity leave – that is a choice which is open to them to take. We need to better support families to understand their range of choices and without judgement. But trying to argue limited paternity leave for everyone is in mums’ best interests, or that men ‘shouldn’t’ be allowed in the birth environment, you not only disempower men, you also limit my choices and disempower me, as a woman and a mum.

And what about the dads themselves? By promoting this assertion that men are not required, we continue to build a cultural belief which becomes a self-fulfilling property. If men are continually told they are superfluous, they will become more distanced from what is happening at a crucial time in their family – not through choice, not due to what is actually right for their family, not due to their actual ability – but due to a cultural expectation. Is that what we want? Do we really think it is acceptable to tell dads they are not important antenatally, don’t have a place at birth, and are better off out of the home in the early weeks? Then we think it is ok to criticise them for not knowing how to change a nappy, or when their children take a nap – and then poke fun at them when they refer to themselves as ’babysitters’ rather than parents? This is a dreadful disempowerment and tearing down of the potential positivity of fatherhood.

Our fourth baby is due in a couple of months. I am planning for another intimate birthing and babymoon experience. It is an incredible and unique time, and one in which I need to have support, love and trust. Thank you in advance to my wonderful husband – there is no one who would be able to do this for me and our baby as well as you.

Steph is co-founder of antenatal & parenting programmes MummyNatal, BabyNatal and DaddyNatal. You can find out more by visiting her website www.mummynatal.co.uk.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 13 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Labour secretly hoping eight million men don’t vote

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The Labour Party has come up with a brilliant wheeze to win this year’s general election by targeting the 17 million people who didn’t vote last time.

Oh no, hang on a minute, scrub that.

The Labour Party has come up with a brilliant wheeze to win this year’s general election by ignoring eight million of the 17 million people who didn’t vote last time…….because they are men.

Harriet Harman (make up your own joke about her surname), said: “There is a general disaffection with politics. You are even less likely as a woman to see politics as the solution to your problems.”

X marks the spot 

The evidence for this completely made-up statement is overwhelming. At the last general election, for example, a whopping 16.2 million men put an X on a bit of paper knowing full well all their problems would be resolved as a result. Meanwhile, only a teeny, tiny number of women (erm, that’s just 16 million) thought there was any point voting at all.

I know, I know, only 49.7% of the 32.2 million people who voted last time were women, but 50.3% were men—-it’s really, Really, REALLY not fair is it?

No wonder Harriet Harman told Good Morning Britain that “politics is much too important to be left to only men voting”—a great example of “this is what left-wing feminist maths looks like”.

Even worse than this, is the fact that a staggering 53.2% of the 17m people who didn’t vote in 2010 are women and Harriet Harman says “the growing trend for people not to vote is worrying for our democracy”.

Vote Farage 

So worrying, in fact, that Labour is going do nothing about the eight million men who didn’t vote because, well men are less likely to vote Labour than women. There’s really no point encouraging men to have a vote because they’ll only do something stupid with it like drive their white van to the polling booth (harassing women on the way) and vote for Nigel Farage or Al Murray

Instead they’re going to focus on the “missing millions”, not the millions of men who aren’t voting but “the missing millions of women who will be the focus of Labour’s campaign”.

But where will Labour find these millions of women (without accidentally alerting their menfolk that there’s an election brewing)? Well Harriet has a cunning plan.

“We will bring politics to the school gate,” she said, because the only men you find at the school gates are paedophiles and they all vote Conservative.

Shopping for votes 

“We will bring politics to the shopping centre,” she added, because women do love buying things, don’t they? Though heaven knows where they get the money from because, you know, gender pay gap.

“We will bring politics to offices and factories,” she continued, but shhh, don’t tell the male workers.

“This election will be a watershed for women in this country,” she concluded, probably because Ed “One Nation” Milliband will wet himself with tears of joy if he wins the election as the leader of a “One Gender” party. And in case we were in any doubt Harriet Harman told journalists that her pink bus was symbolic of Labour’s “One Gender” vision for the UK. “It is the correct colour.” she said, “this the One Nation Labour colour”.

T0 bring home the message that Labour really doesn’t want to attract any more male voters, it also announced that it will be launching a Manifesto for Women—a kind of WOMANifesto if you like (geddit?).

Labour’s WOMANifesto will include the following promises:

  • More free childcare (because men don’t care about children)
  • Support for grandparents who look after their grandchildren (because only grandmothers love their grandkids)
  • Forcing employers to publish their hourly pay gap figures to create equal pay for women (like that time when Dominc Raab MP did an FOI on the Government Equalities Office and found that female staff were paid 8% more than male staff)
  • Doing more to tackle violence against women (because who gives a fuck about violence against men)?

And just when you thought this story couldn’t get any better, Labour unveiled its #WomanToWoman battle bus and just in case you haven’t heard yet—it’s pink! And we all know that men hate the colour pink (except the gay ones of course), because, oh you know, hegemonic masculinity or something.

Genius! That will stop eight million non-voting men from getting all inspired about democracy and voting for one of the other parties that doesn’t prioritise women over men.

But most surprising of all was the way Labour’s “pink is for girls” van nearly made the socially conservative Daily Mail sound like the Everyday Sexism campaign—if only they hadn’t enjoyed the fact the driver of the bus had stalled quite so much—women drivers eh!?

The Mail’s stroke of genius, however, was digging up a quote from Labour MP Chi Onwura who condemned the marketing of “girls’ stuff'”in pink last year, warning:

‘This aggressive gender segregation is a consequence of big company marketing tactics. It has now got to the point where it is difficult to buy toys for girls in particular which are not pink, princess primed or fairy infused. What may be driving big company profit margins is limiting children’s’ choice – and experiences. And ultimately limiting the UK’s social and economic potential and helping maintain the gender pay gap.”

That’s right, if you follow that logic through, using a pink bus to market to women and tell them how you’re going to tackle the “gender pay gap” will actually help maintain the”gender pay gap”, apparently. Someone should tell Harriet Harman.

If you liked this article and want to read more, follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

Article by Glen Poole author of the book Equality For Men

Also on insideMAN:

Seven out of 10 dads want to spend more time with their children

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A new survey by The Baby Show has found that seven out of ten dads want to spend more time with their children.

As part of the survey, dads of all ages were invited to share words of wisdom for other dads-to-be, ranging from deep reflections, such as “get to know and enjoy your baby for who he or she is and not what you expect them to be”, to practical tips like “allow an hour and a half to prepare to leave the house each time”.

The tips were offered alongside a series of great photos of dads with their kid which cast a spotlight on the ever-changing role of a father. All of the fathers photographed said that the attitude and expectations of dads have changed compared to those of previous generations.

Michelle Kyles, Marketing Manager at The Baby Show said: “Since the show launched 13 years ago, the roles of dads continue to evolve, and as one dad said, ‘the modern man does it all’. These pictures celebrate this. The answers we received from dads about how they felt about their new-borns were incredibly moving; giving us a tiny window into the unconditional love shared between them”.

One of the common themes that emerged in the survey was just how much fatherhood has changed in recent decades. One dad, Amit Kumar Mehta, said:

“Dads are expected to be a lot more hands-on compared to previous generations. With the likes of David Beckham and Brad Pitt leading the way, dads are expected not only to be the providers but also nurturers which I don’t think was the case in the past”.

However, despite the changing nature of fatherhood, many of the men were keen to praise their own fathers. One dad, James Robinson, said “If I turn out to be half the dad mine was to me, I’d consider myself lucky”. Another dad, Ben Kirkham, said: “My dad was my hero and I hope I am even a fraction of the man he was”.

The key finding of the survey was the fact that the majority of dads interviewed (72%) say they wish  they could spend more time with their children.

For more findings from the survey see:

 The Baby Show takes place in London from 20-22 February, 2015

—Photo Credit: Bumpkins 

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 13 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

 

 

Fourteen great tips from dads for dads-to-be

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The Baby Show asked some experienced dads to offer their best bits of advice to dads to be. From doing all those outstanding DIY jobs before the baby arrives to making sure you take a packed lunch to the hospital when your partner’s in labour, there’s a great mix of practical, personal and funny advice for dads-to-be everywhere.

The tips were gathered as part of a survey that asked dads to share their experiences of fatherhood and found that seven out of ten dads want to spend more time with their children.

Fourteen top tips for dads-to-be from other dads

1. Prepare yourself.  In today’s technological era, everything you need to know is available on the internet.  I still use it now – Amit Kumar Mehta

2. Get all the DIY done BEFORE the baby comes – Tama Kingston

3. Book a surprise dinner date for you and your partner just before the big day, including a movie night (if she can stay awake).  – Tama Kingston

4. Make sure you’ve got a packed lunch for when you go to the hospital in labour (they don’t cater for the dads) – James Robinson, dad to Elsie

5. Make every moment count and keep the mummy happy; remember that all children need is love and attention – Ben Kirkham

6. Don’t listen to advice, just go with the flow.  Nothing is right or wrong.  Just remember to always be there for the mother as she probably needs you the most – Ranjiv Sadarangani

7. Look at your life and prioritise everything towards your family.  But leave some space for yourself – I took up golf after the birth of my daughter which seems odd but it gave me some time to think about how my life is changing day-to-day – Robert McLaughlin, dad to Charlotte

8. Enjoy every single second and listen to everyone’s advice, you never know when you might hear a little gem – Christopher Winton

9. Don’t be scared and keep yourself as involved as possible – David Kalandad

10. Get your sleep while you can!  – Faiyaz Bobat

11. Don’t panic; whether it is worrying about not being ready for a baby or financially stable enough, you will  make it work, you just need to adjust – James Robinson, dad to Elsie

12. Allow an hour and a half to prepare to leave the house each time! – Darren Annani, dad to Olivia

13. Go with the flow, each baby is different.  Get to know and enjoy your baby for who he or she is and not what you expect them to be – Kevin Smith, dad to India

14. Hang in there, it gets easier – Willem Mybugh, dad to William

The Baby Show takes place in London from 20-22 February, 2015

—Photo Credit: Bumpkins 

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 13 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Election 2015: Fathers’ charity welcomes Labour’s paternity leave plans

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The Fatherhood Institute has welcomed Labour’s plans to double statutory paternity leave from two to four weeks, and increase the rate at which it’s paid by £100 per week.

The institute’s joint chief executive Adrienne Burgess said:

“This would be good news for families and for business. Under the current system, more than 90% of dads take time off around the time of their children’s birth. But only 70% take statutory paternity leave, mainly because it is paid below the minimum wage, so they can’t afford to take it; instead, they use up annual leave, which means they get less time with the family later on in their child’s all-important first year.

“Extending paternity leave and paying it at a higher rate would be good for families because dads would be in a better position to become confident, hands-on carers for their babies – thus freeing up mums and dads to share the load of caring and breadwinning through their babies’ first year and beyond – which we know makes a huge difference to children’s outcomes.

“And it would be good for business because the more you can get dads embedded in hands-on caring early on, the earlier you can get the mums back to work – so companies would feel more confident about retaining both male and female talent.

“Business leaders’ criticisms of the plans as being too expensive are unfounded, because statutory paternity leave is paid for by the state. At the moment some expectant and new dads change jobs because they’re not family-friendly – which is a hidden drain on employers, who may not realise they’re losing staff for this reason.

“The Government’s shared parental leave system, which starts in April 2015, will give some families significantly greater flexibility to make choices about who takes time off – but it won’t be available to everyone.

“Whatever the results of the election, we need the politicians to create a modern, forward-thinking parenting leave system that values fathers’ vital role as hands-on carers as well as breadwinners, and gives all mums and dads the flexibility to make the right choices for their families.”

—Photo: Flickr/Mamchenkov

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 13 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com