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What’s your father’s legacy?

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I am a son and father. What have I inherited and what would I like to pass on?

—This is article #69 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

I have been thinking about resurrecting an idea for a series of interviews I had many years ago. The series would entail interviewing a father to explore what kind of legacy the interviewee’s father has left him and, in comparison, what kind of legacy the interviewee would like to leave for his own children. The interviewee would be encouraged to explore the legacy he has received and the legacy he would like to leave by focusing on four areas: an object, a value, a belief and a passion.

In thinking it through, I decided to give it a go myself. So here are the legacies my father has passed on to me (he is still alive, by the way, so there is plenty of time for these to change!):

  1.  My dad has taken many photographs over the years and each one evokes memories – mostly of happy times. I can even remember the cameras some of the pictures were taken with.
  2.  This has to be the importance of serving others. For all of his life my father has served people, through his profession as a probation officer, his work in the church and in various community leadership roles. Doing things for others motivates me too.
  3.  My dad believes in God and is a committed follower of Jesus Christ. I grew up seeing the evidence of this in his life, as his belief was not just a private affair but motivated and affected every area of his existence.
  4.  He loves football, and he managed football teams I played for from when I was eight years old until I was 18. As a consequence I love playing football too, and I cannot imagine a time when I won’t play the game in some way.

And the legacies I hope to leave my children are:

  1.  I try not to place too much value on objects, but I would like my children to cherish my wedding ring. It is a relatively cheap and plain band of gold, but what it symbolises is profound.
  2.  I hope I show my children that the best way to show care for others is by listening to them. You also learn a lot by using your ears.
  3.  Just as my father has passed his belief in God onto me, I would like my children to believe in Him too – and for it to be a belief that is in their hearts as well as their heads.
  4.  There is a line in the film ‘The Legend of Bagger Vance’ which goes ‘God is happiest when His children are at play’. I would like my children to see how much I relish my pastimes, such as football, golf and swimming, and delight in their own hobbies too.

How about you? What have you inherited from your father or a father figure? What would you like to leave for the next generation? I would love to hear your thoughts.

—Picture credit: Memekiller

Mark Chester is founder of Who Let The Dads Out? and blogs with the writer www.markchesterwrites.co.uk

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Why I love working with men in all their diversity

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Berkeley Wilde, Director of the Diversity Trust, explains why he loves working with men.

—This is article #68 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys

I started working with men and boys about 20 years ago. Initially with gay and bisexual men, doing outreach and educating men, on the issues of safer sex and sexual health. This work was driven by the emergence of HIV / AIDS and the impact the disease was having on gay communities.

I found myself being drawn to a fight against the mainstream, politics, media and society, delivering work that was controversial and challenging; talking to men about the sex they were having and the need to protect, driven by the need to save lives.

Whilst working in this field I found there were gaps in what we were doing; these gaps I realised were around two areas; one was what I will call “community development” and the other was the challenge of bad old laws that criminalised sex between men. I set about working on both. The more engagement and development work I did the more new men I would come into contact with and this provided opportunities to educate, but also to empower groups of men.

Working with gay and bisexual young men, working with married me who were still “in the closet” but having sex with other men. These were real life stories you didn’t read about in the mainstream media. But it provided opportunities to engage and reach out to these groups of men.

After almost 10 years of this work I needed a new challenge and I was privileged to have been given two opportunities. The first was to be working on a Department of Health research project working with men across England on generic men’s health themes. This led me into close working relationships with the Men’s Health Forum and eventually a job with the European Men’s Health Forum in Brussels.

When this came to an end, I had been planning for a long time to become freelance, I was able to set up as a management consultant and trainer, working in the areas of health inequality and in my passions of equality and diversity.

This followed by setting up the Diversity Trust and I have been so fortunate to have been able to work in all of the areas I have an interest in including returning to men’s health with a new research project I am working on locally. With our commissioners we have recognised a need, given the health inequalities men and boys experience, to address these inequalities and make a difference to the lives of local men and boys.

Working at a national and international level provides its opportunities, which I have valued, but there is nothing like working with local communities and speaking direct about their lived experiences of health and wellbeing.

I feel I am in a unique position in that I have experienced a vast array of different opportunities to engage with men and boys in a wide range of settings. This has provided me with a unique perspective and the ability to challenge where discrimination exists.

Whether it be through supporting victims of hate crime or working with organisations wanting to improve practices; whether it be asking people about their experiences of their health and accessing health services; or working with schools to meet their equality duties. These are opportunities which I believe have a benefit for everyone.

—Picture credit: See Ming Lee 

You can read more about the work of Berkeley Wilde, at the Diversity Trust website: www.diversitytrust.org.uk.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Man Up, Man Down: a poem about male suicide

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Peter Raynard’s poem is inspired by the shocking statistic that 12 men a day kill themselves in the UK.

 

—This is article #67 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

 

Man Up, Man Down

One only ever got As at school
Two got expelled yet was nobody’s fool

Three fell out with his virtual world
Four fell out with his only girl

Five fought too long on foreign sand
Six couldn’t keep paying with cash in hand

Seven kept house, kept kids, kept calm
Eight cut a hundred lines on his arm

Nine had a lifelong wife that died
Ten was a man that never cried

Eleven was a man who everyone loved
Twelve was a man who’d had enough

It is fine to rhyme and be poetic
But twelve men down a day is tragic

—Picture credit: Elvert Barnes 

 

You can follow Peter Raynard on Twitter: @peter_raynard or @proletarianpoet

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Men can recover from the edge of suicide

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James Withey  founded the mental health website Recovery Letters after facing depression. Here he shares the inspiration behind the project.

—This is article #66 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

I’m sat on a chair in my room on a psychiatric ward; the sun is reaching through the branches of the tree behind me and daubing a beautiful light show on the wall. A year ago I was a Training Officer with a large charity delivering courses including the life saving ASIST (Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training) to groups of social care workers and now I’m on 15 min suicide watch.

Depression crept up behind me and broke me in 2011 after a series of events that made my soul collapse. I was fortunate in some ways. I had worked in counselling and social care all my life and knew that I was unwell; I also knew that I was entitled to support.

I had taught others about suicide; how men are more likely to die by suicide, how men want help but find it hard to find the services to match and that suicidal thoughts are temporary but feel permanent.

When I was first ill I spent four nights in the Maytree Sanctuary for the Suicidal in London which saved my life and gave me time to reflect on the notion of recovery. Until my time in Maytree only one mental health professional had told me I could recover from depression; this was a student nurse who was accompanying the full time workers and leaving the flat she turned, smiled and said, ‘James, you can recover from this.’ At Maytree I had a chance to think about this and the importance of hope.

This is what helped me

Depression tried to steal everything from me and temporarily succeeded. It took my career, my memory, my concentration, my confidence, my sense of humour, friendships, sleep, eating, motivation and one of my biggest losses was reading. I used to be an avid reader, a few novels a month and suddenly nothing, I couldn’t read a page, I couldn’t read half a page. I borrowed some books from the library but couldn’t get past the first sentence and the more I tried the more of a failure I felt.

What I wanted was to read small pieces of writing that would give me some hope that I could get through; I wanted to hear about other people’s experiences of emerging through the treacle like existence that is depression. This is how the idea of Recovery Letters came about because I wondered, if this would have helped me, would it would help others too?

Recovery Letters is a simple premise; people recovering from depression write a letter to those that are currently suffering. I wrote the initial letter and then used twitter to ask other people to write subsequent letters. The response has been incredible, including men who have explained that starved of sleep, late at night, the letters have helped them survive until the morning.

We need to help men in different ways

As a man I know the difficulties of opening up; after one disastrous phone call to a helpline at 3 a.m. where the helpline worker didn’t say anything to me, I vowed never to call again and that night took an overdose of sleeping pills. I’m not blaming that helpline worker who no doubt was anxious and unsure of what to say, it was maybe their first call and they just wanted to help. My point is that men need to be engaged in different ways, we need to understand how hard it is for men to open up. Our duty is to provide a variety of methods of support so that the right fit can be found.

Talking about suicide is also hard. When Stephen Fry was asked recently why he didn’t tell close friends about his feelings before a recent suicide attempt, he responded by explaining that it’s like admitting the most embarrassing and mortifying thing you could reveal, so big is the shame. “Think of your very best friend. Very, very best friend. Suppose you suddenly noticed you had a massive and really disturbing genital wart… would you show it to your very best friend?”

The Recovery Letters blog has been running since September 2012 and we now have dozens of letters on the site from people who have taken the time and effort to sit down and write to people they’ve never met. They benefit too, writing down thoughts, feelings and reaching out to others helps to cement one’s own recovery. No one is paid any money to write nor read the letters, yet everyone benefits.

I use the letters myself. My recovery is up and down, as most people’s is, and because depression blinds you to the truth I will often sit down and remind myself that if the people who wrote these letters are alive, living their lives alongside or after depression then I can do the same, and I do.

—Picture credit: Portland Prevention

You can read the letters here: therecoveryletters and follow on Twitter @RecoveryLetters. This article first appeared at the CALM website and is republish with permission of James Withey.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Even James Bond needs men’s groups

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I lead a men’s group in London called the Men’s Action Project (MAP). It’s all about helping the men who are part of the group to achieve their goals.

From releasing a first album, getting a job promotion and launching a business to mastering cookery, passing a driving tests and learning new martial arts skills; the men who come to MAP are walking the walk. But it wasn’t always like this.

–This is article #64 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

My early years of adulthood weren’t great, but by applying various personal development techniques I’d learnt from books, I lifted myself out of my mid-twenties crisis. Back then I was a personal development version of James Bond, doing what men are supposed to do – going it alone! With my new powers and focus I could manifest anything I wanted. In search of goal achievement glory I ran a marathon, nailed promotion and travelled around the world for a year.

Then something shifted…

When I returned however something was very different. The post-travel blues set in as I felt myself being sucked into a very different type of crisis. Setting goals and taking action still brought results but something was missing. I tried explaining to my parents and friends that I was facing some challenges. But who wanted to hear from a man who was struggling because, he wasn’t (after a whole year) travelling around the world anymore!

Then something shifted. I was listening to a podcast called ‘The New Man’ and the host Tripp Lanier was talking about men’s groups. I was inspired. The moment I took my ear plugs out I knew I’d found my next step. The next chapter in my growth was not something I could do on my own. It was time for even Bond to admit, he needed help from others. I immediately began my search and through the internet found Kenny D’Cruz’s men’s group – Menspeak. I liked the sound of what he was offering and without hesitation signed up to a meeting later that month.

After just one meeting I knew I had found the place where I was finally going to get some answers. To share my feelings and be properly listened to felt fantastic and the experience of getting authentic feedback invaluable. Feedback devoid of conditional, pre-defined projections of who I was, was worth it’s worth in gold. It was refreshing to hear I wasn’t the only one who struggled. It turns out even Jaws and Goldfinger feel insecure and get angry with themselves sometimes too. Sharing experiences with other men gave me a deeper understanding of where in my psychology current challenges were coming from. By sharing them in this way, I felt clear and able to move on.

‘Missions and Goals’

It was when Kenny mentioned Missions and Goals at a meeting I realised the next stage of my quest. With my personal development knowledge there was a place in the men’s group arena for a new type of group. Kenny’s groups were about self-awareness and being, whereby my group was to provide a complimentary focus on the doing side with support, group accountability and a plan. After undertaking research at Glen Poole’s excellent National Conference for Men & Boys (and with Kenny’s valued support) I established the Men’s Action Project (The MAP) in Feb 2012.

Every month of facilitation was a learning curve as we moved through the process and I was amazed at the successes and life changes gained. On completion of my first six-monthly MAP process, participants celebrated their results including; a job promotion, smoking kicked to the curb and a weight loss/fitness goal knocked out of the park.

Over the past three years I ran another two processes with similar successes. To increase accessibility to the service this year I’m delivering an open meeting every fortnight . These meetings are called ‘Stepping Up’ and as the name suggests the supported MAPmen continue to do just that.

Now I’m not just going it alone. In my men’s groups I have a team of like-minded individuals to regularly discusses both internal and external challenges with. I’ve had my ups and downs, but day by day I am succeeding and learning with the support of others. I have become a far more confident, successful and ultimately happier operative than ever before.

It turns out even James Bond needs Men’s Groups after all.

To discover more about Clive Maxheath and the Men’s Action Project, visit their website here and the MAP Facebook page here. Follow Clive on Twitter @clivemaxheath

Photo: Flickr/Michael Pollack

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

How old is too old to be a dad?

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I always envisaged that I’d be a dad by 25-years-old. I’m not quite sure why I had that milestone in mind – perhaps something to do with the age of my folks who had me in their mid-20s – but it has always been important to me to be on the younger side.

–This is article #63 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

No offence is intended to the older parents out there, but I personally feel that both parent and child miss out if they are unable to play together without fear of putting their back out. Having had a very active childhood myself where, as a family, we’d play sports, do activities and generally frolic around, it has always been key for me to give the same experiences to the fruit of my loins.

At 28-years-old, and the missus being 26-years-old, I don’t consider us to be young by any stretch of the imagination, particularly as I’m a few years behind schedule – I’ll be 29-years-old once the little bundle of joy pops out. Yes, we may not go out like we once did at Uni and our idea of fun now might be walking in the woods with the dog or watching box sets (currently House of Cards for anyone interested), but the truth is we seem to be on the younger side of parenthood.

Average age of mums on the rise

This point has been affirmed with recent trips to the midwife and to the hospital where I struggled to spot anyone who looked anywhere near our age. Perhaps that’s down to bad hospital lighting or a lifetime of excessive alcohol and poor diet, but the most likely reason is because everyone is actually older.

A report from the Guardian last year suggested that the age of mums continues to rise as more and more women delay having a child until later in life. The article reads:

The average age of mothers has continued to increase for almost four decades. It is currently 29.7, but 49% of women are over 30 when their baby arrives.

It [The Office for National Statistics] said on Thursday: “The overall rise since 1973 reflects the increasing numbers of women who have been delaying childbearing to later years. Possible influences include increased participation in higher education, increased female participation in the labour force, the increasing importance of a career, the rising opportunity costs of childbearing, labour market uncertainty, housing facts and instability of partnerships.”

Berkhamsted – ‘too posh for Lidl’

That has certainly been our experience to date. Eavesdropping whilst waiting for the midwife / nurse has meant that we’ve discovered that a 39-year-old having her fourth kid and a 36-year-old having her first baby is actually the norm, much to my surprise.

I’d imagine that our experiences have partly been a consequence of where we reside. Berkhamsted – recently described by the Daily Mail as “The town that thinks it’s too posh for a Lidl” – tends to be inhabited by individuals who have moved out of London to settle down, but still need to easily get to the capital.

As such, and as per the ONS quote above, a career can often be seen as the priority, with kids being delayed until the biological clock has nearly ticked its last tock. In other areas of the UK – and I’m including where I was born in this – getting a partner, settling down and having a kid tends to be the norm for those that don’t go on to Further Education, thus teenage parents is quite common place.

There’s obviously no right or wrong when it comes to age and parenthood (with the obvious caveat being those under 16-years-old!) but I find it interesting that in Scunthorpe we would be old parents, yet in Berkhamsted we are young.

This article was originally published on the DADventurer blog here

Picture Credit: Flickr/Stephan Hochhaus

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

What’s it like for dads who experience the loss of a child through miscarriage?

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Miscarriage is a mysterious and devastating thing. I don’t think dads talk about their experience of miscarriage enough, and they should. They should because it’s real, it’s very common and it helps to talk about it. Here is the story of this Dad’s miscarriage.

— This is article #62 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

My wife and I had planned to get pregnant and could not have been happier when we saw the two blue lines. But during week six the storm began when my wife found a small amount of blood. We quickly Googled and found out about spotting common, perfectly-normal bleeding during early pregnancy. We put it down to this, but the doctor still booked an appointment at the emergency scan department of the hospital.

 

This was a weird place! We were sitting in a corridor, opposite the sonographer’s room. Women and couples go into the room with an anxious look on their face and come out either crying or gleefully holding a baby scan picture. We sat there and wondered our fate.

Purgatory

Overjoyed or distraught? We ended up feeling neither… The sonographer examined, and came to the conclusion that it was too early to tell, booking us in for another emergency scan in two weeks’ time. That way the heartbeat would definitely be seen. (Or not).

 

This time the foetus had grown but there was still no visible heartbeat. No-one could explain it and no-one could confirm viability either way. We epitomised the saying, “left hanging.” We lived the following weeks on edge, anxious, worried and pensive. All the while this was happening we were planning our wedding for the end of the summer.

 

What should have been an exciting time of preparations was overcast by a huge cloud of uncertainty and potential devastation. Just before our pre-wedding honeymoon was our third scan… Still no heartbeat but more growth! The doctor said, because of the growth, she couldn’t definitively say to us that we would lose the baby. Instead she gave a 95% chance of miscarriage at any point. So what should we do? Miss our holiday and loose the money, or go and risk it? We decided to go, but all the while our thoughts were else where.

Impossible decision

On our return, general wedding stress levels were non-existent. The Tuesday before the wedding saw us, yet again, in the emergency scan waiting room for a fourth scan. We hid ourselves from the others, knowing that it would more than likely be bad news. This time, there was still no heartbeat but also no growth. We were told it was just a matter of time before the body rejected the unviable foetus and the miscarriage began. We had two options:

 

1) Let the miscarriage happen naturally over the wedding

 

Or:

 

2) Opt for the SMM (Surgical Management of Miscarriage) and cancel the wedding?

 

Ever been between a rock and a hard place? We decided to crack on with the wedding and if the miscarriage started, we’d cross that bridge as and when. It put everything into perspective. It helped us focus on us, and ironically, in amongst the sadness, we had never been so close. We got married with such an intimacy between us.

 

Three days after the wedding the miscarriage started. It began as a pain in the stomach. She knew it was happening, so we called for our fifth emergency appointment. The bleeding was constant and she had continuous pain. What could I do to make it better? The helpless feeling of inadequacy was fraught and very real.

‘We felt the pain together’

Seven weeks of uncertainty, hope and despair had come to an end. We booked in for an emergency SMM. We arrived at the hospital and got prepped for the procedure. It was gut-wrenching and as they wheeled my wife out the room I felt like my heart was being pulled out on a trolley too. I couldn’t be with her when she was terrified, I wanted to comfort her, hold her hand and be there for her. Instead, I was in a cold room with just my thoughts as company.

 

Following the procedure it was so hard to know how to be. I was devastated, but held it in. I wanted to be strong and look after my wife as I knew that she was already heart broken. Me crying would just add to that pain for her.

 

This was a mistake. The moment I let my guard down and really showed how I was feeling through being honest, led to one of the best moments of our relationship. We both held each other and felt the pain together. I think it was that moment that a new, unspoken connection and bond between us grew. It is in these difficult, overcast situations that relationships can really develop. For that I am thankful.

 

My hope is that through reading about my experience it opens the door for other Dads to talk openly. Please share your experiences with me by leaving a comment below. Thanks, Al.

This article is by Al Ferguson and was originally posted on The Dad Network, which Al founded with his wife Jen. To see more great blogs about all things dad, visit them here

— Picture credit: Erik Soderstrom

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

 

What are men really looking for when they use internet porn?

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Psychotherapist Patrick McCurry explores what’s beneath some men’s use of online pornography.

—This is article #61 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

“The soul often manifests itself in the sexual areas of life.”

Thomas Moore

Internet porn is an increasing issue among the male, heterosexual clients I see, and one that can cause a lot of shame as well as impacting on intimate relationships.

Some couples and individuals may have a comfortable relationship with porn and it may be something they enjoy making a part of their sex lives. But for many men it can become something secretive and taboo, which they turn to not simply because of the pleasure it offers but also as a way of escaping difficult feelings.

The easy and free accessibility of internet porn (and the range of sexual activity one can view) means that it can quickly become an instant hit for men who are not feeling good about themselves.

When the need for that ‘hit’, for that escape, becomes a regular way of handling difficult feelings internet porn use can become a problem both for the individual and his partner if he is in a relationship.

For me the interesting part is not just what a man may be escaping by using internet porn, but what he may, unconsciously, be seeking.

When men are lost in porn

To explore this one must ask the individual what he is drawn to in the experience, how he actually feels in the midst of it. Male clients tell me they feel excitement and passion when they are lost in internet porn, that they enjoy the secretive and rule-breaking atmosphere.

Some also feel they are giving themselves a treat or reward and even that they feel somehow nurtured by or attended to by the women they watch engaging in sex.

For some men there is also a pleasure in seeing women treated in a dominating, or even humiliating, way sexually and this may be tapping into unresolved angry feelings towards women that go back to childhood.

What are a man’s needs? 

Part of the work with these clients is about exploring with them what the porn gives them and whether that is a sign that there is something missing from the rest of their lives and relationships. If they feel excitement and passion using porn, is there a boredom or flatness in the rest of their life or relationships? If so, how can they bring some excitement into other areas of their life?

I would be interested in what might be holding the man back from bringing these energies into his life. Did he grow up with the message that it was somehow not ok for him to express excitement or passion, for example?

If the man feels somehow looked after or attended to by the women in porn videos, does this mean he feels that is lacking in his other relationships with women? Can he ask for these needs to be met in other relationships and can he begin to look after or attend to himself in healthier ways?

Men want to connect with women

For the man who is aroused by women being dominated or treated in a humiliating way I would be interested in how he felt his childhood excitement, anger and sexuality were treated by women. Did he feel those parts were not acceptable and did he feel humiliated by his mother or other females when he showed those energies and emotions?

What I’m aware when I hear the stories of men who have problematic relationships with porn is how the activity, as well as an escape is also a movement towards something.  This ‘something’ is often about feeling alive, connected to one’s excitement, feeling connected to and accepted by a woman.

Even the man who is drawn to porn that demeans women is, in a distorted way, trying to establish a connection with the feminine. If those feelings of anger and powerlessness, with regard to women, can be made more conscious they can then be worked with.

As psychotherapist and author Thomas Moore says, in his book The Soul of Sex, many of the people who came to see him had sexual concerns, “which eventually were revealed as containers of the central mysteries of the person’s life.”

—Picture credit: Flickr/Koeb

Patrick McCurry is a psychotherapist with practices in Eastbourne and east London, UK. He sees individuals and couples and has been trained in integrative psychosynthesis. You can find out more by visiting his website.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Four reasons feminism is alienating teenage boys

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Duncan Fisher  wanted to know what teenage boys feel about feminism, so he invited four of his daughter’s male friends to tell him what they think.

—This is article #65 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

When I was asked to write one of the articles for the #100Voices4Men series I was chuffed. Then followed two months of absolute mental blankness. I watched with increasing panic as articles were published, reaching closer and closer to the 100 mark!

And then my daughter saved me. She reported that there had been a heated argument in an A-level English class at her school about feminism. A week later, I had four 17 year old boys from the English class sitting round our dining room table at home, and this article is about that conversation.

I wanted to know their perceptions of gender inequality and the debate about feminism.

This is a group of young men keenly aware of the concerns of feminism, with a clear view of how the inequalities of concern to feminism are different in different environments. For example take the case of overt sexism in public places: there is none in the streets of our own small community where anonymity is no option, but in cities it is a different story. Idescribed the harassment my youngest daughter has experienced while out running training in Cardiff and everyone in social media is currently debating the story from New York.

And then there is the internet, where sexualisation of women and girls and sexist trolling are rampant. We discussed their perceptions of equality in education. They see a very high level of equality in UK, but see a very different story in other countries and admire the campaigning of Malala Yousafzi.

They do not arrive at the same conclusion as the young man, Josh O’Brien, in article #27 of this series, who takes an anti-feminist view of gender politics. But despite this keen awareness, interest and concern, they don’t engage in the debate on-line: “we never put our point of view across because there is too much hate”.

So what’s the story?

Four things cause real difficulty for these boys:

1. When men who respect women are held responsible for the activities of men who behave horribly towards women

One of the young men said: “The story is that all men are dicks. We are being asked to sort these men out, but we are not responsible.”

It called to my mind the recent complaint by British Muslims about being held to account for the actions of ISIS, leading to a great joke T-shirt: “I’m a Muslim and I am sorry for everything – in the past, present and future”!

Wagging the finger at all young men and saying “repent!” is an incredibly ineffective recruitment strategy and alienates the men and boys equality work most needs.

2. When there is a lack of empathy for men who suffer

The young men are aware of those areas where men fare worse on average than women – relationships with their children after parental separation, access to mental health services, rates of suicide, death in war. A lack of empathy for these issues sends a dark signal. And in areas where the gender balance goes the other way, such as domestic violence or single parenting, why not open up our support equally to all according to need?

3. When statistics are abused

These young men (and, I am sure, countless young women) know that many of the statistics banded about in social media are false – for example the one that says women earn 23% less than men, presented as if women are paid substantially less than men for the same work in a wide range of jobs. They know it cannot be true, because teachers in their school are paid equally irrespective of gender. But they have no doubt there are pay inequalities, though they don’t have the resources to find out the truth of the matter, which is a painstaking and expert task.

They also know that if they do make any attempt at a contradiction, they will draw fire. So, even if they had all the figures, they have no real appetite for pointless rows. So the only option is to shut up. And so stupid statistics fly around in social media, giving people who want a fight a sense of justification for doing so; they are observed from the sidelines by a large silent majority. Actual solutions, which depend on meticulous analysis of what is actually happening, get pushed into the background.

4. Fundamentalism on the internet

Social media spreads outrageous views far faster than reasoned arguments and the social media these boys see every day is awash with fundamentalist views that brook no contradiction. As the boys pointed out, the video of little girls swearing and spouting ridiculous statistics (we all really hate this video) has gone hugely viral.

One boy said: “it keeps on appearing in my feed as the girls I am friends with share it”, fuelling division between teenage boys and girls. The answer: keep a low profile. If you are targeted on-line, everyone can see. The same goes for large numbers of thoughtful teenage girls who would get fired at just as quickly.

What do young men want? 

And so the cause of gender inequality is deprived of its most valuable potential supporters on a grand scale. So I asked the boys, what conditions would have to apply to allow them to feel able to contribute to the debate about equality in the way they would like to?

They said they would need a safe place where they could feel confident they would not be shouted at and publicly humiliated; where their motives were not under immediate suspicion simply on account of their gender. They want protecting against fundamentalism by prominent and leading figures in the campaign for gender equality – people who can defend the sincerity of their interest and allow real discussion. They want to participate with girls and women of like mind.

Let us imagine for one instant what we could do if we could cultivate a strong and confident group of young women and men across the world committed to defending equality and having the tools to do so? A group of people ready to listen to the concerns of the other gender and to campaign together, modelling the kind of partnership between women and men that is predicated by equality?

You can’t have gender equality if you don’t include boys

 

What if all those watching the row about gender on the internet could also glimpse a place where an active, respectful and sincere campaign for equality was being conducted by women and men together?

This may be a pipe-dream. But let us remember: we will never end sexism and gender inequality without the help of boys and men – this has always been the case and will always be. And the first step is to listen to them without judgement, particularly those who are genuinely concerned and wish to participate.

As the boys left our house, they said how great it was to be able to have a sensible conversation about these things. I was struck that this was the first opportunity they had ever had to discuss gender equality without having to self-censor. That’s a big problem.

—Picture credit: David Shankbone

Duncan Fisher was one of the founders and CEO of the Fatherhood Institute and is currently developing a project called MumsAndDadsNet.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Three things we all know about men’s health that are completely wrong

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Andrew Shanahan,  the editor of the Man V Fat a weight loss website for men tells us there three myths about men and health that we need to challenge.

—This is article #60 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Do you know the saying “We shouldn’t make assumptions, because they make an ass out of u and mptions.” Wait. I’ve got that wrong. Maybe it’s presumptions. Whatever it is, the point remains – holding onto pre-conceived notions in the face of reality opens us up to looking foolish. The area of men and health is riddled with such assumptions. I’ve picked out three of the most enduring that we should do our best to expunge, I’d love to hear of any others that you’ve spotted.

1. Everyone knows that men won’t go to the doctors…

Forty percent of men die before they are 75 and men are more likely to be diagnosed for a range of cancers at a later stage – so why won’t the buggers go to the doctors? The accepted wisdom is that men are stoic idiots who hobble along wordlessly until the tumour they’re carrying gets too big for them to put their pants on. Guess what? It’s nonsense. Buying into this myth means that the real issue which keeps men from earlier diagnosis goes unreported. Namely, that men are more likely to work away from home and find that setting up GP appointments around work is very difficult. Additionally, more women are the primary carers for the children and are therefore more likely to be in the doctor’s surgery with them anyway.

 2. We all know that men don’t want to diet…

Look at the magazines like Men’s Health and Men’s Fitness and you’d be forgiven for believing the myth that men don’t want to lose weight, they simply want to “get ripped” and build bigger arms, tighter abs and smoother shins (that might just be me). It’s true that men are more likely to access information about fitness, but that’s largely because the range of information on weight loss for men is so sparse. So why won’t men access weight management groups? Because they’re all designed for women and consequently 85% of attendees are women. That presents a confrontational and unappealing place for men to get support and advice about losing weight.

 3. Of course men just won’t talk about their feelings

75% of people who take their own lives are men. That’s a horrifying statistic. Part of the myth of male suicide is that it’s based on this idea that men won’t talk about their feelings. This is just based on my experience of contact with millions of men who are losing weight or preparing for weddings, but I really think this is bullshit. With earlier generations the John Wayne stereotype might be more relevant, but we live increasingly in a post-Beckham world, a world where you can wear a sarong on the front cover of a national newspaper and still be a sex symbol. We must seek to destroy this idea that men won’t open up, because if we believe it we stop asking and then it becomes true by default.

If you want to do something useful this International Men’s Day on November 19th then take a moment in your professional and personal lives to look at the Ur Man that is presented by newspapers, sitcoms and adverts and scrub your mind clean of these assumptions and stereotypes. Dare to look stupid by asking the basic questions about men again and you may just find that your -mptions are misguided.

—Picture credit: US Navy

 

Andrew Shanahan is the editor of www.manvfat.com a weight loss website for men which takes all the nonsense about diets and makes it easy. Visit the Man V Fat website today to find out more.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com.