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Where are men’s voices in debates about abortion?

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If men don’t join the debate about abortion then how will we ever find out what men’s experience of this important issue is, asks Paul Mills.

A few weeks ago I watched a TV programme which has caused me real thought – so much so, that it has taken me three weeks to be able to successfully sit down and write this article.

The programme concerned was BBC3’s look at the issue of abortion (Abortion – Ireland’s Guilty Secret). The programme was presented in a balanced way by Alys Harte, looking carefully at both sides of the debate and across the community. Like me, the programme acknowledges the real challenges in how we think about this issue and the significant schism between the ‘pro life’ and ‘right to abortion’ camps; and the challenges for example in deciding what is the upper limit in terms of weeks for an abortion to be performed, and under what qualifying circumstances – so that’s not what this article is about.

What this article is about, is asking the question ‘Where are the voices of men in these conversations and debates?’. Astoundingly, during the whole of the programme there was only one relatively young potential father interviewed – and he presented as needy and was very much in a ‘puppy dog’ way supporting his partner and the process she was going through – whilst bemoaning the imperfections of the system.

What we did not see was a single man engaging fully with the programme about his feelings on the abortion of his child, about his involvement in the process and sharing of the decision making, and shared responsibility for the terminated foetus. We were not therefore able to properly access the issue from the male perspective – to begin to appreciate what it is to be a potential father dealing with the questions and emotions and the potentially bowel watering effect of having to choose abortion – or life for ones offspring. I have to say that I became outraged that this is so.

As a man myself I am really clear that my seed is, to me, sacred; and therefore being part of the decision and responsibility/accountability around how the result of its part in creating a life plays out, is something that is probably only eclipsed in importance by a handful of other things – for example an existing other life. So, I asked myself again; where are men in this debate?

I reflected back through my years of adult life and realised that, apart from a handful of professional situations as a coach/mentor I have never heard a single man discuss, celebrate, lament or verbalise in any way, about an abortion he has been involved in as a dad!

How can this be. Apparently there are around 200,000 abortions a year in the UK – that’s 770 per working day! So how can it be that so many men remain almost silent on the matter.

What I did find was a really thought provoking Telegraph article by Neil Lyndon looking at the ‘controversial’ Bill tabled in Ohio, seeking to give fathers a final say in abortion. Now, perhaps unsurprisingly, the bill fell, however it did gain a significant following – and stoked some real questioning about where men’s rights are, in law around the proactive termination of pregnancy.

Our Feminist colleagues point out vociferously that a woman should have absolute rights over her body; this, I have no issue with. At the same time a woman’s body, as the life support system of a foetus – jointed created by the woman and the father must have shared responsibility and , if men and women are truly equal, then the man must have much more voice and say in the destiny of their child; whatever your views about viability and when a sperm and egg transmute into a new life. For me it’s simple. Joint, equal and mutual responsibility and say starts at conception.

So, fellow men, where are our voices, where are our legal and moral rights to a share in the decision making – come on – let’s hear them!

—Photo Credit: Flickr/Treslola

Paul Mills lives on the West coast of Scotland. He is is a parent, a trainer in the education and care sectors, an ex foster carer and therapeutic teacher who cares passionately about and working with young people, especially boys, as they start their life’s journey.

 

 

How are men affected by their partner’s abortion?

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Studies have shown abortion also has a psychological impact on the millions of men whose partners have gone through it. Here Peter Chaplin, who organises male rites of passage retreats, explains how he made sense of his own experience.

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The abortion debate is generally perceived as one of those women-only territories where male perspectives are unwelcome, unless they are in full-throttle support of the pro-choice viewpoint. Irrespective of the roles that men wittingly or unwittingly play in the drama that surrounds abortion, the general public note is that it’s really, and rightly, a subject men should not speak out about.

Studies on the effects of abortion on women are not that numerous, but they massively outweigh those about the effects on men, and the few that are about men don’t always agree. But here’s what some of those few generally concur on.

Men experience many of the same emotions as women after their partner has had an abortion, whether they assented to and supported the decision or not: relief, depression, grief, anger, shame and guilt. Anger is often related to disenfranchisement from the legal decision when the man was not consulted. Men, probably more so than women, can react by falling into patterns of abusing drugs, alcohol and sex and taking part in high-risk sports and adventures.

‘Men experience remorse for the child that might have been’

One team of researchers in Canada found that 56.9 per cent of women and 39.6 per cent of men involved in first-trimester abortions were much more distressed than the control groups who were not involved in abortions. And these negative psychological effects can be intense and can be long-term, for men as well as women. Untreated depression is untreated depression, whatever the cause.

Men can also experience great ambivalence about the abortion even if their partner is not so troubled, and this might arise from feelings of personal failure, of having caused someone else to cause harm, and of failing to protect one’s own child.

A small study (50 men) showed 40% of the men having day-dreams about the child that might have been, and experiencing remorse and sadness. Some researchers see the denial of fatherhood as a powerful factor in pathological guilt that can lead to a type of self-alienation, and can adversely affect fatherhood when it arrives later.

And of course in unmarried relationships where abortion takes place, the chances of the relationship surviving are greatly diminished. In one study of 400 men, 70% of the relationships had broken up within one month of the abortion, despite the men being confident at the time of the abortion that they would not regret it later.

‘Even asking for help crosses a heavily-guarded boundary’

So just like women, men might lose not only a child but a partner too, while both parties think they are taking the correct course of action. The father and the mother will be left to grieve alone, though in general, the man will be somewhat less likely to deal with this in a healthy way. And there is no place to visit, no stone or memorial and for some, no closure.

Not all men will experience all the reactions noted here. And there is some evidence that men’s reactions are more muted if the abortion is for a serious medical reason.

Still more men are married to or partnered with a woman who has had an abortion from a previous relationship and here the scenario is very muddled. Such relationships may carry a lot of baggage that is hard to recognise. Not your fault, but quite possibly your problem, and it’s easy to fall into “fix” mode, which just makes things worse.

Whether you agree with abortion or not, it’s actually a major life event disguised as a routine healthcare issue. Millions of men in the UK have experienced it. Not only is there hardly any support for men, but even to ask the question about how to support men crosses one of those heavily guarded feminist boundaries, and the flak starts to fly. So we tend to muddle on, without any support to help us make sense of what’s happened.

‘Men are wounded by abortion too’

My own experience is that for most men, any kind of opening up to the rawness of the emotional aspects of abortion is best done in a male-only space at first. The simple act of witnessing someone’s story can begin a healing process. It’s not always going to be gentle either.  That said, I’m pretty sure that this process can’t be completed without continuing that conversation with women who have started that conversation themselves, but that’s not a starting place, more a long range goal.

Finding closure can take many forms, from therapy to real-talk groups and sacred circles to hill-walking or art or ritual. And it might be quick or slow. All of us will find we  have a story about what might or could or should have been, whether we are imaginative, religious , spiritual or whatever.

My own experience involved devising a short ritual that combined adoption with a funeral, but there aren’t any rules except authenticity. What flavour this might take depends on your story about children, childhood and parenting (particularly fathering). And such an approach might be either the beginning or the ending of a journey towards healing. The important thing is to have somewhere to begin and some compassionate and informed company, because men are wounded by abortion too.

By Peter Chaplin

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