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Why Masculinity is a Matter of Venn Diagrams and Darts

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Sometimes the simplest ideas can help to shed light on the most complex issues. It doesn’t happen that often – life’s not that simple – but when it does it is undeniably life affirming.

Like bumping into someone you were at school with thousands of miles from home on the streets of Tokyo, there are times in life when all the right synapses fire and you experience an all-encompassing sense of anything and everything being possible. That’s what it’s like when a simple explanation marries itself to a complex issue.

It’s the sort of bullseye trick that political populists delight in, and that fact alone ought to warn us to be wary. Complex issues tend not to be well served by bumper stickers alone.

Modern masculinity is undeniably complex (it’s also complicated, but that’s not quite the same thing). It is multi-faceted, contextually dependent, subject to alternative, variable and even contrary definitions and interpretations and above all, it is the source of considerable uncertainty. If it was straightforward, none of the above would make any sense. But it isn’t straightforward; getting to grips with masculinity is anyone’s (and everyone’s) business.

An infinite Venn Diagram…

It is tempting to suggest that some of this uncertainty derives from the words we use to describe the condition of being male — there have been any number of women who have been described in terms of their ‘masculine’ traits, from Boudicca to Margaret Thatcher. And by the same token, just think how many ‘feminine’ men there are. The qualities of femininity and masculinity are not limited to either men or women.

American sociologist Michael Warner is perhaps best known for his celebration of the concept of ‘publics’. Publics are simply ideas that we have about ourselves as belonging to a particular group. At its most simple, Warner’s idea is that our social lives and identities can be broken down into different overlapping ‘publics’ in the manner of an infinite Venn diagram.

The simple idea of the Venn diagram – is at the core of this explanation of how masculinity does its work. Once you recognise that different sets and subsets are turned on and off at different times and in different settings, the different ‘publics’ that constitute our different masculinities – the different sectors on the Venn diagram – begin to make sense.

Rugby or Chess?

The categories of masculinity may be reliably recognisable, and they may make for signifiers that we can use to identify ourselves and that others can identify us by, but that isn’t the same as knowing exactly which version is best for any one setting. What counts as manly on a rugby pitch is not the same thing as it is in a chess tournament.

So the categories that we define ourselves by – and the ‘publics’ that we make ourselves part of – are like electric neon rings that turn on and off. Sometimes we’re assertive and uncompromisingly male, other times we’re a bit of a pussycat.

Of course the real world doesn’t make that easy. As long as we remember that we are fundamentally defined by how we deal with those difficulties, complications and complexities then we will be well on the way to feeling good about ourselves.

Imagine an activity that is wholly masculine in tenor. I’ve touched on rugby so professional darts might be a better example. It’s a sport that embodies a very distinct form of masculinity.

Fluid and mobile

Whether it’s a matter of knowing the odds for the World Matchplay or how to negotiate a finish a given number, the mental as well as the physical aspects of the sport carry a deeply gendered charge. There is no ignoring the electric loop around these details that marks them out as incontestably, shiningly masculine.

As far as the media is concerned, darts is a man’s sport. But what if you stop to ask, on what basis should men and women compete in different categories in darts? It is not like football – to take a topical example – where the physical distinctions between genders make sense of a gender divided sport.

There is no practical physical reason for ‘women’s darts’ (which is also to say ‘men’s darts) to even exist. Except that darts is what a certain sub set of men do. It is, at the same time, a different subset of what women do. The two appeal to very different ‘publics’ but in their difference they are illustrative of a unified conception of what it means to be masculine and – conversely – what it means to be feminine. Importantly, as the example of darts is meant to illustrate, that is not the same as what it means to be a man or a woman.

There are ideas of masculinity and femininity that traditionally fall outside the standard Venn diagrams for certain activities. But in 2015 these are more easily accommodated. The boundaries demarcating male and female professions have shifted.

What we need to remember is that these ideas have a life of their own. They are fluid and mobile, they can pop up in a new form anywhere and anytime and – most important to remember of all – there are lots of them.

Image: Flickr/entirelysubjective

Dads with mental health problems deserve better

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Where there is mental illness, there’s almost invariably social disapproval and discrimination. And a report released by the Australian Institute of Family Studies shows fathers with mental illness can face unique hardships.

By Rhys Price-Robertson, Monash University and Andrea Reupert, Monash University

People already afflicted by mental ill-health often face the additional burden of stigma; of being perceived as having a “spoiled identity”, to use American sociologist Erving Goffman’s evocative term. Indeed, stigma is increasingly recognised as a central issue for the entire mental health field.

For the estimated 20% of Australian mental health service users who have dependent children, stigma can take new forms. Negative stereotypes about parents with a mental illness are rife in the media, in the general public and even among mental health workers.

Parents are judged as incompetent or dangerous based solely on their mental health status. Regardless of how dedicated and capable they are as parents, many end up seeing themselves in the light of these stereotypes. (“I’m bound to screw up my kids somehow.”)

Families can also face “stigma by association”, where the children or partners of a person with mental illness are abused, blamed or avoided because of their family member’s condition. (“Na-na, your dad’s a psycho.”)

What about dads?

But the picture of what such families face has been incomplete. Almost all of the existing research on parenting and mental illness stigma has focused on mothers. There are many reasons for this, including their greater involvement in daily childcare activities and the well-known difficulties of recruiting men into research studies.

The discipline of psychology is only just emerging from decades of mother-blaming, so it’s probably fair that efforts at understanding parents’ stigma have mostly focused on exonerating women from unjust blame and shame.

But there are reasons why it’s important to focus separately on fathers’ experience of stigma. Men may experience mental illness differently to women, often use different strategies to self-manage their problems and are generally more reluctant to seek help for health concerns.

Perhaps most importantly, men and women are subject to different gender and parenting norms. Stigma tracks along gendered lines, with men stigmatised for failing to exhibit “masculine” qualities such as strength, stoicism and self-sufficiency.

Dads and stigma

Stigma is a prominent theme in the review of the research on fatherhood and mental illness released today. It found stigma especially prevalent in qualitative literature, which explores participants’ lived experiences of mental illness and family life.

Many of the fathers who participated in this qualitative research described fatherhood as central to their self-image.

Nonetheless, some felt discriminated against for their (perceived or actual) inability to meet the traditional paternal responsibilities of provider, protector and role-model. Some had internalised this discrimination. They described deep feelings of shame and failure about parenting.

Other fathers saw the welfare system as biased against them. They felt they were automatically viewed as a risk to their children because of their illness, and so were under observation much of the time. A few believed their illness had been unfairly used against them in custody disputes.

Most worrying of all, fathers shared their fear that if they accessed services, or revealed the true extent of their mental health issues, they would be at risk of losing custody of their children.

Unfortunately, there is evidence to support these fathers’ perceptions: a number of Australian and international studies have found that welfare workers often hold negative or ambivalent attitudes towards fathers.

An analysis of the child protection system in the United Kingdom, for instance, identified two dominant discourses about male clients: they were seen as “a threat”, presumed to be violent and manipulative; and they were perceived to be of “no use”, said to spend little time on and have few skills for child rearing.

Families deserve better

There are no simple answers in the fight against stigma. Public education and awareness-raising may help, especially when it seems that the most common catalyst for public discussion of fathers’ mental illness is a man tragically killing his offspring. Peer-support groups and father-sensitive parenting education programs could promote men’s self-empowerment.

The Children of Parents with a Mental Illness (COPMI) initiative provides excellent resource and informational support for families. Such supports include The Importance of Being a Dad, which is specifically designed for fathers in families where a parent has a mental illness.

But COPMI’s remit falls short of the transformative system-wide reform that would be necessary to ensure Australian health and welfare services are capable of effectively engaging fathers with mental ill-health. Efforts at change will falter until we address the discriminatory practices embedded in mainstream service systems.

If parents fear accessing services that would help them become the safe and loving caregivers they are capable of being, then service systems are failing.

If the instruments we use to assess risk in families automatically record parental mental illness as a “risk factor”, regardless of parenting capacity or commitment, then we need new assessment tools.

Parenting is hard enough as it is, and fathers with mental illness tread a more difficult path than most. Ideally, their difficulties would be met by understanding and support. They certainly deserve better than the stigma and discrimination they are currently likely to face.

—Photo: Lloyd Morgan/Flickr

This article was originally published on The Conversation.
Read the original article.

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Why men need to master “psychological androgyny” if they want a creative 2015

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Are you a man? Do you want to tap into your creative side in 2015? Then you need to think like a woman! (If you’re a woman the opposite applies).

The pioneering psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi made a fascinating discovery about masculinity while researching his book Creativity: The Psychology of Discovery and Invention. Described by the Brain Pickings website as “one of the most important, insightful, and influential books on creativity ever written”— the book highlights how masculinity and femininity are both at play in the creative mind as the result of a “predisposition to psychological androgyny”.

Csikszentmihalyi explains:

“In all cultures, men are brought up to be “masculine” and to disregard and repress those aspects of their temperament that the culture regards as “feminine,” whereas women are expected to do the opposite.

“Creative individuals to a certain extent escape this rigid gender role stereotyping. When tests of masculinity/femininity are given to young people, over and over one finds that creative and talented girls are more dominant and tough than other girls, and creative boys are more sensitive and less aggressive than their male peers”

You don’t have to be gay to access your feminine strengths 

This tendency to show traits more generally associated with the opposite sex is not linked to sexuality but to our masculinity/femininity. A man can have “feminine” strengths (and a woman can have “masculine” strengths) without being gay or bisexual.

“Psychological androgyny a much wider concept” explains the psychologist “referring to a person’s ability to be at the same time aggressive and nurturant, sensitive and rigid, dominant and submissive, regardless of gender

“A psychologically androgynous person in effect doubles his or her repertoire of responses and can interact with the world in terms of a much richer and varied spectrum of opportunities. It is not surprising that creative individuals are more likely to have not only the strengths of their own gender but those of the other one, too.”

The findings were based on extensive interviews with nearly 100 individuals from various fields who were recognised for their creative thinking.

Creative men are connected to family and environment 

“It was obvious that the women artists and scientists tended to be much more assertive, self-confident, and openly aggressive than women are generally brought up to be in our society,” says Csikszentmihalyi.

“Perhaps the most noticeable evidence for the “femininity” of the men in the sample was their great preoccupation with their family and their sensitivity to subtle aspects of the environment that other men are inclined to dismiss as unimportant.

“But despite having these traits that are not usual to their gender, they retained the usual gender-specific traits as well.”

—Photo Credit: Flickr/Amanda Hirsch

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Boys are boys and girls are girls, get over it!

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Yesterday we asked if parents should buy their children gender neutral toys this Christmas. The gender equality expert, Karen Woodall, responded with such a thoughtful comment that we’ve republished here as an article. Here’s what she had to say:

I used to think it was nurture not nature when I had a girl and then she had a boy and I was taught a very very very big lesson…girls and boys are different creatures….the older I get the more I understand how different we are and how that difference is what we need to work with in equalities work not this endless focus on neutral.

The strapline of the old Equal Opportunities Commission used to be: “Women, Men, Different, Equal”. It is a shame that it is not still widely used because this idea that if something is gender neutral it is good, is not actually true in equalities work.

To even up power imbalance you have to make something gender aware not gender neutral because of the way that gender neutral is enacted in a gender biased world …so take the case of toys for example…a gender neutral toy will be likely to be turned into a gendered toy by the girl or boy playing with it. Girls will turn a block of wood into a doll and nurse it and boys will turn it into a gun or some other attacking implement and use it that way.

Messing with a child’s gender identity is cruel 

That is because we are not born the same, we are born with different biological drivers and if we nurture those different drivers in children, the argument goes that we shut down their other capabilities, so, although they would turn a block of wood into gendered toys left to themselves, if you want to drive gender neutrality in children what you do is gender proof the toys and ensure that they cannot be identified or used to further gendered expectations.

You would give a girl a science based toy and suround her with messages that this is her identify and a boy a doll and a pram and surround him with messages that this is his identity, that way you counter the nature based stuff. Now when this is put like this most people recoil because they don’t really want children to be socially engineered like this and personally, I thnk those people who interfere with children’s inherent gender identity are clueless and quite cruel.

I was one of those for the first three years of my daughter’s life (how embarrasing to think of it now) in that she was not allowed to have anything pink or anything girly. Then I saw her playing with her friends in nursery and realised that what I was doing was imposing MY beliefs on her instead of allowing her to grow and helping to gently shape that.

Men and women are not the same 

Now that she has a boy who is all things that boys can be – sticks, mini cars in his pockets, scuffed knees, grubby face, jumps rolls and generally spends his life upside down if he can – I understand at a very immediate level that if you let difference come through it does.

However, in terms of equalities work there is a long way to go because men and women are not the same and they are not the same within the spectrum of their own gender either. Gender identity is different too, you have very girly girls for example and less girly girls, you have very masculine boys and less masculine boys and allowing that difference within gender identity by promoting and supporting fluidity in the way we express our femine and masculine selves is really important in promoting equality.

Ultimately it is about difference and having the choice to express that difference. We are not all neutral and we are not all the same and when we understand how to cope with our differences then we are into a place called equality.

—Photo Credit: flickr/Ano Lobb

Tell us what you think? Will boys be boys (and girls be girls) or are the toys we give our children helping to condition them to be masculine or feminine?

If you liked this article and want to read more, follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

ABOUT KAREN WOODALL:

Karen Woodall is a partner at the Family Separation Clinic working with the whole family through difficult times.  Karen is a specialist in working with high conflict separation and parental alienation.  Her book Understanding Parental Alienation; learning to cope, helping to heal is in press. Working with families from a non feminist perspective, Karen is co-developing support services which are based upon understanding of family violence and dysfunction as a generational problem and is working alongside Erin Pizzey to build these into a therapeutic model which can be widely used.  

You can follow Karen’s writings at her outspoken and often controversial blog: Karen Woodall.

Also on insideMAN:

Making Men: Creating Rites Of Passage

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Ianto Doyle of Journeyman UK explains the work the charity does with men and boys.

—This is article #95  in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

“There are many things that constrain our lives, that limit us somehow, whether it be a family history, a genetic predisposition, a specific fault, or an omission that wounds us…I call these limits we did not choose, but that we must live with, “fate.” When we face our fate, we find our destiny, which is our soul’s destination in life. That which limits us has within it the seeds of that which can help us transcend our limitations. Through the exact twists of fate we find our own unique soul.”

Michael Meade.

Seven years ago I was initiated as a man at the age of 47. Initiation is an experience, within community, that marks an individual’s transition from one life stage to another, for example adolescence to adulthood or adulthood to elderhood . Initiations often bring up challenges of a psychological, emotional, physical and spiritual nature, as the person steps out of the everyday world into a sacred, loving and safe space, usually in nature. It is characterised by three stages, the separation from everyday life, a relevant ‘ordeal or trial’, and the return transformed to be welcomed back anew.

Everyone who goes through that inner ordeal gets something different from it; I was struck by a few things. I probably heard the word ‘man’ used in a positive light more times that weekend than the rest of my entire life put together. I was overwhelmed by the powerful and compassionate nature of the staff, and felt quite young. I was deeply challenged but safe to go very deep into myself. There were a lot of staff. I mean a lot. Way more than participants and I came away with the deep felt sense that the men had come for me at last! I had been waiting for 30 years for them to show up and show me how to be a man.

I thought I knew myself, I had done a lot of counselling, alternative this and that, I was smart, had thought about stuff, was emotionally literate blahh blahh – the stories I told myself! However I found out more about myself and grew I my ability to be a man more in one weekend than in years. When I returned home I dropped my female relate counsellor and faced into my dysfunctionality with a local men’s group – as never before, and faced into my greatness as never before too. This did not fix my life, it was more like being jump started so I could get to the garage, get some major repairs done and have my life get a bit more functional.

As my children entered the teenage years I got interested in teenagers. When we talk about the trouble with teens, or that we need to do something for our boys like give them a rites of passage, I reckon we are putting the cart before the horse. In Earl Hipps’ book Man Making he talks about how invisible teenage boys are, or if they are seen, it is with suspicion and fear. Have you ever walked by a gang of teenagers and looked at them that way? Earl suggests giving them a nod; then progress to an ‘alright?’. I gave it a go – nothing bad happened. In fact once a teenager was kicking off in a chip shop, so I said ‘alright, what’s happening?. He talked about the shit day he had had, it all calms down and we get our chips. We depart with a ‘laters’; it took 5 minutes. Another time, a rowdy gang at the outdoor pool crashed into my wife whilst playing a ball game very close to where people were lying on the grass. I talked him through how to apologise and make amends after he brushed it off initially and said an empty apology after hurting my wife.

Not that hard is it to show up for the teenagers – or is it?

To read part two of this article see: Initiating the boys and re-claiming our own teenage experiences 

—Picture credit: Hey Danielle

Journeyman UK is a mentoring charity, dedicated to supporting boys aged 13 to 17 to discover their unique potential and apply their gifts in service to themselves, each other and their community at large.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

The state of masculinity (and other things)

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Paul Howell has many years experience of “men’s work”. Here he offers his reflections on, amongst other things, the current state of masculinity.

—This is article #94 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

My friend Glen keeps hassling me for an article for the #100Voices4Men  series. I admire Glen, he’s an intelligent, stubborn and relentless man, leaning into a complex and messy arena, but I sometimes wonder why he bothers. What’s the point of gender politics?

I’m more often confused and frustrated by the lack of genuine debate than I am inspired by what can often seem like the man vs. woman vs. man vs. woman merry-go-round. For me, the term Man refers to someone who has made a sustained effort to carve his values from experience and walks a line somewhere between humility, wisdom and curiosity and has by some miracle, managed to retain enough vitality and a discerning vision to do some lasting good with what’s left.

My contributions to the conversation have been formed at the coal face of what is often referred to as ‘men’s work’, over the past 8 years. I’d like to be reporting back with some good news…unfortunately that seems to be illusive. Regarding the fate of humanity the great illuminator Carl Jung was ‘not optimistic’, neither was Freud. Dr Robert Moore, the grandfather of the men’s movement and a Jungian, who’s life’s work has distilled the core archetypal structures of the masculine psyche / soul (King, Warrior, Lover, Magician) will only say that he is not a despairing man, preferring hope and the hard work of awakening.

My personal journey started running a small men’s group, and moved personally and professionally into working with culture change in classically gender biased organisations, for example, the fire service, the police and engineering companies.

Through time with Moore, reading and listening to untold volumes of Jungian and other depth psychology texts, mythology, my own therapy and parallel explorations, working with abandofbrothers, attending The ManKind Project (MKP) New Warrior Initiation and being part of an MKP men’s group…

I naively attempted to set up the UK version of Boys to Men, which later became JourneymanUK (JMUK). Over 4 years I developed the USA boys to men material and delivered dozens of ‘man’ weekend intensives including the JMUK Rite of Passage Adventure Weekend and its associated mentoring circles for boys and men.

In addition to this my 1:1 client base has been consistently 50% male over 13 years.

The following is a summary of what I have learned so far…

The State of Masculinity 

Masculinity is adrift – rudderless and largely impotent in the face of manic passivity and denial. It has taken a blow to the solar plexus and is struggling to raise a meaningful heart felt and coherent response to the critical nature of our shared global ills. Stuck in a narcissistic trance, masculinity is spiralling down; cut away from its capacity for empathy, it’s failing to counter endemic political corruption and the daylight robbery (a phrase derived from 1690 and Tyrant King William III who taxed people based on the number of windows in their house) of true democracy which has long ago taken place.

The fatal blow to masculinity came through chronic shame, developmental and acute traumas accumulated over generations of war and the daily struggle to survive.  Beginning with the industrial revolution; we have been plotting our demise with great fervour ever since. Comfortably numb, we have simply lost touch of what is not just of utmost importance but now also urgent; our human connection to each other and our utter dependence on each other and the earth.

Masculinity, with a capital ‘M’ was dethroned; usurped, most recently by the shadow magicians of the corporate world and their shareholders who deny filling the trough with ungracious entitlements whilst systematically brainwashing future generations with the empty and destructive values of capitalism.

By replacing Justice with mere law and any kind of generative Realm with mere organisational and institutional power, we are deconstructing the psychosocial frameworks on which humanity depends.

On the side lines, religious fundamentalism opposes new age spirituality and somewhere in the distance the good earth faces the imminent catastrophic and systemic collapse of its (our) ecosystem; a fact we seem happy to remain ignorant of.

If mature masculinity is supposed to enable men to be stewards, protectors and servant leaders of noble communities and creative cultures we seem to have lost our way somewhere.

And this is nothing but a commentary on humans: all humans! We are all culpable, however, if denial is what you’re after – good news! The number of dissociative and numbing distractions are growing in direct proportion to the size of the problems we face. That’s how denial functions – until it doesn’t. When denial (the secrets we don’t know we are keeping through the active suppression of the facts by parts of the psyche that would rather not know or may indeed not be capable of dealing with the truth ) is illuminated, it presents as a crisis.

To read part two of this article see: Gender Roles – the primary task 

—Picture credit: Perspective 

Paul Howell offers personal coaching and counselling, training and facilitation, and workshops for men at Clarity Coaching.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

How men show love

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Are there gender differences in the ways men and women show love? Mark Walsh and Francis Briers say there are and demonstrate some of the differences in this entertaining video.

—This is article #91 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

—Picture credit: MattysFlicks

You can find out more about the work of Mark Walsh and Francis Briers at the Integration Training website.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Talking: The Ultimate Weapon Against a Leading Cause of Male Deaths

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Josh Rivedal lost his father and grandfather to suicide and is a passionate advocate for improving men’s mental health.

—This is article #86 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Men are willing to talk about just about anything—the size of their prostate glands, or how much Viagra they’re allowed to take—but they’re still not willing to talk about their mental health. If men want to live long, healthy and productive lives it’s absolutely crucial that the dialogue surrounding men’s mental health has to change.

I lost my father Douglas to suicide in 2009. Douglas lost his father Haakon to suicide in 1966. Each suffered from undiagnosed mental health conditions and each suffered in silence because of the stigma surrounding men talking about and getting help for mental illness.

Haakon—a Norwegian man who served in the Royal Air Force (35th Squadron as a tail gunner) in World War II—killed himself in 1966 because of the overwhelming post traumatic stress he suffered because of the war. Douglas, an American man who was chronically unhappy and abusive, may have been clinically depressed for a very long time, but my mother filing for divorce was a catalyst (not the cause) for his action in taking his own life.

There’s a relatively new case study in The Journal of Men’s Health that says that men are affected tremendously by divorce. They have higher rates of alcohol and drug abuse, depression and detach themselves from personal relationships and social support.

I nearly attempted suicide

In 2011, I had several catalysts for my own near-suicide attempt: the dissolution of a relationship with a long-term girlfriend (similar to a divorce), a lack of work, and fallout from my mother’s betrayal. I was in terrible emotional pain and unknowingly suffering from clinical depression.

My thought life took a downward spiral pretty fast. How did I get to such a dismal place in my life so quickly, just a month shy of my twenty-seventh birthday? Coming out of secondary school and high on optimism, I thought by the time I reached my mid-twenties I would have it all together. After a couple of years singing on Broadway (yes, I’m a theatre geek), I would have scored a few bit parts on Law & Order, and transitioned seamlessly from having my own television show, A-Team 2.0 as Mr. T’s long lost son, to being cast with Will Smith in the summer’s biggest blockbuster. After which, my getaway home in the South of France would be featured in Homes & Gardens, andmy face would grace the cover of The National Enquirer as Bigfoot’s not-so-secret lover. Not to mention, I’d have my perfect wife and perfect family by my side to share in my success.

But instead, I somehow only managed to perform in an assortment of small professional theatre gigs and on one embarrassing reality television show; and over the course of the previous eighteen months my father killed himself, my mother betrayed me and sued me for my father’s inheritance, and my girlfriend of six years broke up with me.

Talking doesn’t make you less of a man

This perfectly imperfect storm of calamity and crisis had ravaged my life… and I wasn’t talking about it to anyone. My silence led to crisis and poor decisions—to the extent that I was hanging out of a fourth story window.

Those men who came before me, Haakon and Douglas; each of them suffered their pain in silence too, because of stigma and I too felt that same stigma—like I’d be seen as “crazy” or “less of a man” if I talked about what I was going through.

Standing at the ledge of a fourth floor window, I realized I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to end my inner torment and emotional pain. And I needed to break the familial cycle. So I came back inside, took a risk and asked for help by calling my mother.

Over the next few months I continued to take more risks. I called old friends to tell them I needed their support. I started seeing a counselor. And no one ever told me I was crazy, stupid or a bad person. They told me they loved me and wanted to help me.

There is always hope

While recovering from clinical depression, I wanted to help youth and other men like me. So I wrote a biographical book and one-man play The Gospel According to Josh that talks in part about my father’s suicide and took it to secondary schools, universities and community centers all across the U.S., Canada, UK, and Australia. With it, I talk about the importance of mental health and various means and methods of suicide prevention. Most of my audiences were and still continue to be women. One of the things I’ve found is that most men (not just the Rivedal men) have a difficult time talking about and getting help for their mental health or if they’re feeling suicidal. There seems to be some societal pressure that says, “You’re not a true man if you don’t have it all together, all the time.”

But I have a message for men everywhere that’s simple yet profound. There’s always hope and help out there for you. As a man who has suffered from deep, dark depression—the “Black Dog” as Winston Churchill called it—I can say from personal experience that this is not a character flaw or a weakness. It doesn’t make you any less of a man. In fact, by asking for help it makes you a stronger man. It gives you a fighting chance to improve your life and become the person you want to be. Reach out to your family and friends and ask for help. Nip it in the bud before it can turn into a crisis.

* * *

If you need a bit of help and don’t know where to turn, here are list of resources for suicide prevention and mental health in the US, UK, Australia, and around the world.

Additionally, for International Men’s Day on November 19, 2014, I’m having a live Google Hangout chat on male depression, suicide, and how and where to get help with MensLine Australia in Australia (details HERE), and MenBeyond50 in the United Kingdom (details HERE). We’ll be covering a lot and you can ask questions and it’s totally free.

––Picture credit: Britt Reints

Josh Rivedal is a New York City based actor, author, playwright, and international public speaker on mental health and suicide prevention. He writes occasionally for the Huffington Post. He is author of the book The Gospel According to Josh and is taking in part in an online discussion about men’s mental health on international men’s Day (Wednesday 19th November 2014).

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

I’d rather be a lover than a warrior

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The poet Shaky Shergill has been thinking about masculine archetypes and has come to the conclusion that he’d like to be a little less warrior, a little more lover. 

—This is article #82 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Recently in a men’s group that I’m part of talk turned to warrior energy and connecting with a man’s inner warrior. Of all the archetypes (forms used to describe parts of the unconscious) prevalent in the masculine psyche one of the most common is that of the warrior.

The warrior archetype represents many things to many men. The most common of these are; loyalty, decisiveness, and discipline. At times it feels as if it’s easiest for many men to access the warrior archetype because that’s the way that society expects and wants them to be. Warriors, those who use their focus and determination to protect themselves and what’s theirs.

As much as I admire these traits and the men who can access them readily I can’t help feeling a longing for the masculine archetype that I relate to most closely being seen and recognised. This is the archetype of the lover; where the warrior is about doing, the lover is about being and connecting, where the warrior is decisive and disciplined the lover is boundless and organic.

Connecting to the love archetype 

For me the lover archetype is all about connection. This connection can be with myself or the rest of creation. The lover’s longing is manifested in the need to accept and bond with everyone and everything. The lover can be like Rumi or Hafez longing for blissful union with the beloved or seeing everything as the beloved.

This union can be with something; natural, manmade or ephemeral. I believe some of the most inspirational and beautiful love poetry has been as a result of this longing for union.

It feels as if what is important for the lover is the desire to connect even if that connection is only felt through a longing for what is desired, the beloved. The lover works very much in the realm of the sense. S/he; feels, sees, caresses whereas the warrior considers, assesses and touches.

Men want to save the world 

In some ways the lover has an energy that may seem foreign to many men. The warrior’s decisiveness and discipline speaks to us as men who want to act and do. We want to change the world, save the beauty and generally be an all-round hero.

However the passivity of the lover and his desire to do nothing but wait, long for and yearn can feel unusual. Perhaps it’s because in most cases as boys were not taught to sit and wait, even in childhood our games involve running, jumping and chasing with those coming last deemed to be less worthy.

I wonder if those men who connect more strongly with the lover archetype do so because of those childhood experiences or have those experiences in childhood because they connect with the lover archetype. Either way a man is born who longs to connect, to share and be.

At times this longing doesn’t feel welcome in the modern world. A world where we are taught to see divisions and differences rather than similarities.In a world where wants and desires can be fulfilled almost instantaneously the lover’s longing seems to be both alien and self-indulgent.

However I believe that we are as much a part of this world as anyone else because we love it and want to be loved by it in all its forms.

—Picture credit: The Pug Father 

Shaky Shergill’s writings can be found at the his website, The Warrior Poet.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Seven things blokes can do to make the world a better place for everyone

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“There are essentially just two things that need to change to make this a better world for men and boys,” says David Wilkins of the Men’s Health Forum. “The first is The World. And the second is er . . . men and boys”.

—This is article #76 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

I’m often asked to write about how the world (well, the UK) might change, especially in relation to men’s mental and physical health, and the organisation for which I work has been campaigning on the issues for many years. It’s crucial that the UK should change culturally and politically in some of its attitudes and policies towards men.

This though, is my list for blokes – including myself. It’s subjectively espressed but it is pretty much based on evidence, not on personal whim. It reflects the large number of debates and discussions I’ve been in over the years and the range of opinion that I’ve often heard expressed by men and women. Not everything applies to everyone and it’s not perfect or complete – but here it is.

Let’s us blokes:

1. Look after our health. It’s our responsibility and it’s not just for reasons of self preservation. There are people out there who love us and depend on us. They don’t want us dead before we even draw our pensions for God’s sake.

2. Allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Get help when we need it. Give up trying just to escape our problems – it doesn’t work.

3. Look out for our male friends. Allow them to be vulnerable. Stop taking the piss. Refuse to collude with their escape plans.

4. Value education. Encourage our sons to learn, and engage with them in their learning. Demand better for boys at school. The UK is not doing anywhere near well enough with our boys – and it’s not just the fault of schools.

5. Avoid getting sucked into working long hours for no extra pay. Our grandads and great grandads and all the generations since the Industrial Revolution fought like billy-o for our rights at work. Giving half our lives away for nothing is letting them down. Long hours stop us looking after ourselves and being with those we love.

6. Prioritise spending time with our kids. Be the one who takes them to the doctor or picks them up from school. Allow our sons to be vulnerable, as well as helping them to be strong. Both sexes – but boys especially – do better where fathers are actively involved in nurture and care.

7. Avoid buying into the bollocks that says that “feminism” is to blame for everything that’s a problem for men. It is absolutely right that we should support women to make a better and more equal world. We can work for solutions to problems that disadvantage men without negating women’s rights. It’s not Man United v Liverpool.

—Picture credit: RCB

David Wilkins is policy officer at the charity the Men’s Health Forum.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com.