insideMAN

How can we stand by and do nothing for male victims of domestic violence?

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Writer, musician and insideMAN contributor, Chris Good, was subjected to severe domestic violence both privately and in public at the hands of a former girlfriend. Here he asks why women’s groups so often resist efforts to support male victims of domestic abuse.

The other morning, I was pleased to read that the Premier of Queensland, Annastacia Palaszczuk, was one of very few public figures to acknowledge male victims of domestic violence, even stating that more needs to be done to support them.

Putting it into perspective, it is a small, but significant, step in the right direction and I found myself encouraged that, even though it was news from Australia, the subject was credibly brought into the public sphere of our global society. As a UK men’s rights writer, I might have taken a quiet ‘celebration’ sip of my morning coffee after toasting ‘a fairer society’…had I not read this news in the context of feminist objection to Ms Palaszczuk’s stance.

At Palaszczuk’s mere acknowledgement of men as victims of domestic violence, she was, as reported in The Guardian Australia, ’warned not to put the domestic violence against men above women’. Unsurprisingly, this word of caution came from feminists and female focused domestic violence support services. But this is nothing new. A constant rebuttal to articles and campaign efforts that raise awareness of male victims, is that women have it worse and men are the main perpetrators.

In an attempt to pull focus back to women, Karyn Walsh, CEO of Micah projects stated ‘the overwhelming issue is the attitude men have to women as their possessions, as something they can control and punish. It is about their attitude.’   Not only is this statement a generalised and, at best, unsubstantiated idea -or accusation- of how ‘men’ think of women in our society today, but it is considerably off-topic, as Walsh shifts focus from male victims to male perpetrators.

What relevance does the attitude of a male criminal possibly have to a male victim? How can male victims be demonised alongside perpetrators, simply because of a feminist perpetuated gender stereotype? On what moral or ethical basis does one ignore a victim of crime because of perceived similarities to a criminal? And, perhaps the biggest question of all: Is this bigotry a good foundation for our societal norms?

The issue of domestic violence should not see a mention of the perceived or supposed attitudes of men, as proposed by a sub-culture of our population. Neither is raising awareness for male victims anything to do with taking attention and support away from the estimated 1.4m female victims. Let me be clear, it is our moral duty to help these women and provide services and refuge to them. However, I would rather hope our compassion, empathy and sense of justice, as a society, could stretch far enough to bring aid to the estimated 700,000 men who are reported to suffer domestic abuse, every year, without support, victim services, refuge, cultural understanding or, indeed, anywhere to turn.

This year I have somewhat vanished from the gender equality debate in order to work on my first book -soon to be available in all good stores…so on and so forth. In the book, I argue that our discussion of gender equality issues is so often steeped in allegiance to gender labels, movements and our own bias, that much needed change is prevented from seeing the light of day. We need to have a reform of our discussion for the sake of achieving effective change. This is, perhaps, most necessary in issues such as domestic violence. People are hurting; I can find no better reason for the mindless squabbling to end and for us to find a way to work together in order to support all those in need of help.

In the interest of true equality, I fully support the work of those who provide refuge and help to women, which should not be detracted from. But if we take a moment to focus on the victims of domestic violence and acknowledge that, by all accounts, men constitute around a third of those victims, can we really stand by and do nothing?

While our friends in Australia are busy deciding how they will help male victims of domestic abuse, here are the key facts about the UK’s male victims. And let’s ask ourselves: Can we really stand by and do nothing?

Every minute, a man will be the victim of domestic abuse

In 2014, the Office of National Statistics stated that a third of domestic abuse victims are male. That’s 700,000 men a year…that’s 1,917 men a day…that’s one man a minute suffering domestic abuse.

The report also showed that both men and women are more likely to experience non-physical abuse (emotional and financial) than any other kind of partner abuse. However, of those that are physically abused, men are more likely to suffer what’s called ‘severe force’ (34%) than women (28%), which involves being kicked, hit, bitten, choked, strangled, threatened with a weapon, threatened with death and the use of a weapon.

Only 0.4% of refuge spaces are dedicated to male victims

If we were to make support for all victims of domestic violence proportionate to the accepted percentages of female and male victims, how does nearly 400 specialist domestic violence organisations providing refuge accommodation for women in the UK, with around 4,000 spaces for over 7,000 women and children; compare to a total of 63 spaces available to men, of which 17 are dedicated to male DV victims only (the rest being for victims of either gender)? That equates to 0.4% of spaces dedicated to male victims.

Government allocated money for male victims was made all but inaccessible to them

In a “scraps from the table” offering to male victims, the Coalition government allocated £225,000 to be shared between 12 charities from 2011 to 2013, for the benefit of male victims. Only one of these was a service devoted only to male victims.

Domestic violence support should be focused on the victims

The inescapable fact is that the UK estimates 2,100,000 victims of domestic abuse each year and a third of these victims are men. Yet feminist and female focused organisations strive to keep the attention and provision focused only on women because, as Moo Baulch, CEO of Domestic Violence NSW, states, ‘the overwhelming number of victims were women and the overwhelming number of perpetrators were men’. Regardless of the perpetrator’s gender, male victims are in need of support.

Basing support provision on the gender of the perpetrator simply wreaks of ulterior motives and agenda when, in a civilised and compassionate society, our only focus should be on improving the situation faced by all recorded victims: relieving their pain, helplessness and loneliness.

Putting gender aside, with all victims of domestic abuse in mind, we must consider that in a society saturated with the depiction of male perpetrators and female victims, in a society that focuses 99.6% of its refuge support on women and in a society that denies men their cry for help, the ‘overwhelming number’ of unsupported, silenced and ignored victims of domestic violence…are men.

Chris Good is a writer and musician who writes on gender equality at Thought Catalog and is currently writing his first book on feminism and men’s rights. He is one of the contributors to the insideMAN book and you can follow him on twitter @goodwayround 

Chris’ personal story of experiencing domestic violence from a former girlfriend and the often callous reaction from people who witnessed it, is one of the powerful and important stories in the new insideMAN book.

BUY THE INSIDEMAN BOOK HERE!

The illogical logic of depression: ‘It’s been a wonderful year… But I felt awful’

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Once a week, I visit my local hospital in north London, take a long stroll through perfect corridors, climb a few stairs and sit in a room to talk to a woman I don’t know. It’s not something I look forward to. Being a native of this island gives me that peculiar sense of shyness when confronted with strangers, so it’s taken a while for me to get used to this arrangement. I should say at this point that she’s lovely. She’s wise, intelligent and polite, but she has an unerring knack of guiding me into conversations that I don’t want to have. She is, of course, my therapist.

In January I was diagnosed with high functioning endogenous depression following a pretty bleak December. Despite writing on the subject for male health publications and charities such as insideMAN and CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) I always felt that my role when discussing depression was one of conductor rather than participant. I was keen to demonstrate how commonplace the illness is and how it should not be a stigma. Depression doesn’t mean weakness and once the world gets used to that fact it might help reduce the appalling number of suicides which destroy families daily. Anyway, I was asked to write about it and did so without realising that I too suffer from ‘the black dog’ as Churchill called it. True, I’ve had a few suspicions about my character and ‘way of looking at the world’, but simply put it down to my naturally grumpy cynicism. In January I was put straight about that in no uncertain terms.

It began a month earlier. I was talking to a close friend and explained that this current dark mood was proving difficult to shift and that I just felt awful about nothing in particular. She grew concerned (which made me feel worse) and asked me to visit my GP and tell them what I’d been telling her. I couldn’t really be bothered. It was a simple black phase and one I’d emerge from soon enough as I’d done time to time again, but she’s too smart for this and did something very clever. She told me to go. So I went. I do tend to do what others want as I can’t bear the idea of disappointing people. My therapist calls it ‘people pleasing’ and I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to it.

‘I was a fraud, a coward, a cheat’

Anyway, I went along and spoke into my armpit for twenty minutes or so about ‘feeling quite down’ etc. but pointed out that this had been commonplace over the past decade and that I’d soon pull myself together. One thing, however, I was very keen to stress was that ‘this’ wasn’t depression. No chance. I knew the difference. I have friends who struggle with it and have an uncle who has suffered awfully from it since the year of my birth and I was nowhere near that category.

Of course, she said, there are many strains of depression and that just because I didn’t exhibit manic episodes it didn’t mean that I too wasn’t a victim to it. I agreed and waited to be released into the winter streets with a pep talk of some kind or other, but she pressed me further and asked me if there’d been one thing that triggered this current spell of melancholia. Well, yes, there was and I’m afraid it comes with a degree of ‘wow, look at me!’

I told her that in the last year I had left a job and career I actively despised, got a job I never thought I would get and makes me very happy indeed, began writing about football for national newspapers, released my first novel to some acclaim, taken on lots of other writing jobs such as those stated above, was working on a second novel which (I think) is better than the first and was working on a football book with another mate. That’s not a bad year. I’ll go further. It’s the year I’ve been waiting for since my name first appeared in a fanzine in 1993.

If you like this article, you’ll love the insideMAN book, available here

I may not have planted a flag in the minds of the nation but I was beginning to be taken a little more seriously.

A statement year.

But I felt awful.

I felt like nothing on earth. I was a fraud, a coward, a cheat and the worst type of human who lies and steals praise from his friends for his own twisted validation. I was kidding everyone but myself and I didn’t like it.

Karl, with his dad

When you’re in that state you can’t go out. You ignore emails and texts and wish the world would go away. Some people even take the final step and I can see why. I’m not suicidal –I’ve no interest in dying- but I’ve often wished that I could be taken out of time like I’ve never existed. I can live with being a disappointment to myself but no one else. Put me in a cave somewhere. Let my life fail to touch yours. No one will be hurt then.

I told my GP this and she smiled warmly and added ‘but you’re not depressed?’

I said that I objected to the term and maybe I had some of the undercard to that word –stress, anxiety, low self-esteem etc- but not the full blown kit and caboodle. Not the D-word.

She asked if I were able to write those words in a satellite around one enormous word, what would that word be? Then I was diagnosed. I have depression. Not bi-polar or anything similar, but a depression that isn’t focused on one life incident. I just have it. People do.

She gave me a list of medication options and asked me to go away and think about it. I’m very lucky here. My sister is a pharmacy lecturer so I called her (not an easy call to make) and went through a few options. A week later (and what a grim week that was) I signed up for a course of meds. I’m on a fairly low dosage which I’m happy with but I’ve been told that it’s hardly on the Junior Disprin level.

‘Enlightening, harrowing and fascinating in equal measure’

Therapy (CBT) took longer to organise. The NHS being stretched as it is meant that I would have to look at group therapy more than one-to-one work. I laughed that off. There’s more chance of me giving birth than sitting in a room and talking about my week with people I didn’t know.

I started one-to-one sessions about six weeks ago and so far it’s been enlightening, harrowing and fascinating in equal measure. I’m told it isn’t going to always be a song and dance but it will work out eventually. My sister tells me I have a lack of something in my brain and I’m being topped up like a car engine. That’s all. The cranial version of a sprained ankle. Plenty of serotonin and vitamin D please.

So, anyway, this is where I am at the moment. So, why am I here?

Well, today isn’t a good day. I’ve been tense, anxious and have shrunk away from the world a bit. It’s been a busy day too and, with my walk completed (I’ve taken to walking 5-6 miles per day) I’ve had a long time to listen to my thoughts. They haven’t been pleasant. I’m restless too and that’s led me to the laptop, to Word Document 1, to vomiting words onto a page that will make little sense. Ordinarily I’d distract myself by writing about football but I’m on holiday as far as that goes so what else is there? I apologise for your part in all this.

One of the most interesting aspects about my particular dose of depression is the battle between logic and emotions. All day I’ve been worried about stupid things which I know cannot harm me in the long term. For example, I have to put my car through its MOT on Monday. It’s an old car and I’m sure it’ll pass with a bit of work on it but for some reason I’m convinced I won’t have a car at all by the end of the week. I need a car for my day job and without a job I will be destitute and the whole thing will spiral. Earlier this week I replaced two tyres as I thought they were on the turn (ho ho) so they can’t fail me on that. They’ll find something though, You watch.

‘An internal feud between thought and feelings’

The corrective argument is, of course, what is the worst thing that can happen? The garage will be into my ribs for a few hundred quid which I can pay off on my flexible friend. I can’t see me wandering home like George Bailey in It’s A Wonderful Life with just a set of car keys in my hand, but try telling my mind that. This is the emotional side of things. The doom process. The logic says ‘people go through MOTs, Karl. People fail them and then fix something and then pass them’ I have for one, but you might as well try to convince me that David Icke is really onto something…

Earlier today as I sat in the car in traffic I thought ‘all I do is let people down.’ The logical side took over and asked me, quite rightly, when was the last time I honestly let anyone down? Rarely, I’d say. I’m nice to people, too nice at times, and am alright really, but that argument holds no brook with what’s going on up here.

Logic always takes a back seat as it can’t stop your mind from racing. The sheer energy I waste in worry could fuel a small nuclear power plant. If I put that energy into writing, reading, learning, anything I might actually make something of my life. But in some ways, I have done something with my life, I suppose. Things are going pretty well, generally.

This whole illness is an internal feud between thought and feelings.

So, what do I do? Well, everyone is different and I’m quite fortunate with the manner in which I try to distract myself. Some resort to mania or self-abuse of one kind or another, but I’m lucky enough to be a bit dull in that respect. I have passions. Not manic as such, or at least not in the bipolar sense, but I latch onto things that no one is remotely arsed about. A couple of years ago I decided to read up on American presidents. Names, dates, Vice Presidents, running mates, age at time of death, heights (Abraham Lincoln was the tallest, James Madison easily the shortest) and anything and everything about the Commander-in-Chief.

This fast became an obsession. Biographies were consumed and irritating trivia was mined which served no one (Martin Van Buren, the 8th President, was the first to be born an American citizen yet English wasn’t his first language). I’d spend hours on Sporcle, answering quizzes, writing them out in under a minute, then doing it backwards. Test me, test me, test me. Then I got bored with them and tried something else. It’s the Whitechapel murders of 1888 at the moment but it’s been the films of Alfred Hitchcock, Taekwondo patterns, Korean, Philip Larkin, David Bowie, chess (with openings taking centre stage), the works of PG Wodehouse and, a lifelong love, Sherlock Holmes. I’ve no idea what’s next but it’ll be something.

Some may read that and decide that I’m just curious about odd things, or that I’m just curious (I forgot astronomy. Jesus, I could bore people for weeks on that subject) but it’s probably just a way to get out of ‘this’ feeling. The question is, would I want to change that? Would I swap that thirst, that craving for knowledge and live a perfectly happy bland life if I could get rid of ‘the thing’? Well, today has been a bad day so probably, but tomorrow may give a different response.

In some ways, I like being like this. Not always, but sometimes. By this I mean the inquisitive side of my nature, not the dark hours when no room is dark enough and no space small enough to hide.

Today is over. I’m physically and mentally exhausted. Some tea and then bed. Let’s see what tomorrow’s mind wants.

By Karl Coppack

Karl is a former writer for Through The Wind and Rain and a whole host of others who are desperate for copy. Troubled with the modern world, grimaces at ball-playing centre halves and frowns at fancy-dan back heels. Apt to talk about the magnificence of Ray Kennedy wherever possible.

Karl’s debut novel, And What Do You Do? is available on Kindle download (not about footy). To check out more of his writing visit The Anfield Wrap and follow him on Twitter @thecenci

What does it mean to be a man in the 21st century?

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About three years ago I started writing my first novel, The Beasts of Belmont Park, inspired by someone I’d seen in the street; a handsome man, pushing two kids in a buggy. I saw him a couple more times over the next few weeks, and each time, he looked unhappy. I wondered why? It made me think back to the times when my own daughter was young enough to be pushed in a buggy and how much I enjoyed fatherhood, even as a single man, co-parenting my child when society assumed the only true course of happiness was to be part of that über -cliché, the happy family. I wondered whether this man was a stay-at-home dad, with a bread-winning wife. Maybe he didn’t like his role? Maybe his wife was more successful than him? What issues would that raise for a man?

This scenario formed the basis of The Beasts of Belmont Park, which explores the nature of manhood in this most egalitarian of centuries, not earnestly or stolidly, but very much in a darkly comic vein. Not that I wish to make light of such a serious subject, but I find with humour you can often take your readers on a journey they might otherwise avoid.

Paul, the protagonist, is deeply unsatisfied with his lot, feeling emasculated by his role of househusband and envying his best-selling novelist wife’s success. In attempting to square this circle, Paul encounters several strong male characters, each representing a different aspect of manhood, against which he measures himself. Ultimately the answer, for Paul, is to return to work; for that is the only way he believes he can hold his head up again as a man.

Are men expected to play a role that’s now obsolete?

Paul’s internal conflict resonates at the deepest level with many men I’ve met over the years, and is reflected in the conventional wisdom many ascribe to: that a man’s role is as a hunter, bringing home the bacon, not as carer, or nurturer, changing nappies and looking after the kids. In the conservative world of football, which I partake in regularly, this kind of attitude is commonplace.

But is there actually any basis in reality for this view of masculinity? I think today, more than ever, this concept is severely challenged by the facts. Women are just as strong and capable as men. Many women, maybe the majority, are, like my daughter, economically independent. What need is there for a man in the role of provider and protector? Nevertheless, many women I know tell me they still prefer this idea of a man, and they still want him to play this role, even if it’s a pseudo-role and not actually necessary.

 

Hud, aged 22…

Many years ago I read The Descent of Woman by Elaine Morgan, written, in part, as a response to Desmond Morris’s (at the time) seminal The Ascent of Man. Her view of human evolution opened my eyes, for the first time it seemed, to a far more complex notion of women than I had previously contemplated. But what about men? In Morris’s book he paints a vivid picture of man the hunter and provider, a picture that even then, back in the 1970s, was at odds with the image of the average male I encountered in West London. Yet this atavistic throwback formed the basis for the popular consensus on what being a man was all about. And as a young man myself, I too ascribed to this view.

‘I was called a male chauvinist, aged nine’

I had particular reasons to do so. I was raised with my brother by an ardently feminist single mother, who along with her coterie of friends, subjected to me to a tough regime for a young man: being called a male chauvinist aged nine, being taken on a two-week long women’s camp in Wales when I was twelve (where I was the oldest male), hostelling with the women and kids from Erin Pizzey’s ‘Battered Wives Home,’ these were experiences that severely challenged my idea of manhood. So in order to right these ‘wrongs’ (as I perceived them), I developed a relatively macho personality that was in many ways at odds with how I truly felt about myself. But back then, it was a matter of survival.

How many other young men defaulted to the macho paradigm in order to survive childhood? Especially in a culture that did not celebrate the manifold aspects of masculinity, but focused on just a few: strength, power, dominance. It was a cliché that was simultaneously parodied as absurd and declared as fact in every form of media, from fairy tales to adverts. And now, a mere 30 years later, we have the converse: men conventionally mocked as bumbling idiots by the media and by the advertising industry in particular.

In reality, we are of course neither of these extremes, but in fact represent an incredible spectrum of everything that lies between. We have been bracketed and branded by the media for far too long. We are not narrow beings, and we are not tongue-tied lumps, incapable of expressing our feelings. We are every bit as subtle and sensitive as women. Yet I find even some of the most progressive of my female friends still propagate this reductive, emotionally unintelligent stereotype. Often gleefully. It makes me wonder how they expect men to live up to their expectations (the caring, strong, silent sexy, sensitive, emotive everyman we are told women want), when they keep forcing us into these cultural straitjackets.

We have all been guilty, at one time or another, of purveying this cultural narrative. But the time has come for us to stop. Men like Grayson Perry show us how wonderful it is to be a man who is truly himself, just as much as Bear Grylls or David Beckham do. And the army of stay-at-home or single dads shows us just how capable men are at being nurturers and carers. The only thing preventing us from fulfilling our true, wide-spectrum natures are the conventions of society itself. Brothers, let’s stand up and be counted for the marvelous, multi-faceted characters we really are.

By Hud Saunders

Innovative publisher The Pigeonhole releases Hud’s novel The Beasts of Belmont Park on the 5th of November. You can read more about it and an extract here

The poetics of manhood

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It was one of those familiar rituals of my childhood, as familiar as the smell of Sunday dinner and the sound of the dog barking to go out.

Every Wednesday night my dad would sit down in the big chair in the lounge and, with his pipe fixed between his teeth and his glasses tipped half way down his nose, he’d set about his deep contemplation of the pools coupon.

To me at the impressionable age of ten this weekly observance was the quintessence of manhood. There was something about the pipesmoke, the arcane poetry of names that meant nothing whatsoever – Port Vale, Leyton Orient, Queen of the South – as well as the pin-point dedication to the tiny grid that, together, seemed to have a tweedily priestly air to it.

Nowhere in this tableau do my mother or my sister feature. The family’s fortune lay entirely in the brown freckled hands of the old man. He’d insist it was a matter of the most acute judgement, requiring considered scrutiny of the sports pages and a deep concentration. It was the sort of concentration that, of necessity, called for an easy chair and a full pipe.

Time passes and things change. The pools have gone. Thirty years on and it’s my wife who buys the Irish national lottery tickets and who picks the same numbers with a faintly familiar ritual consistency. Birthdays, anniversaries and one for your age because you need at least one number over 40…

And whilst she goes about the business of chasing that still elusive family fortune, it’s now me – husband and father – who puts the roast in the oven, and it’s me who walks the dog.

My old man’s not around to see it anymore, but he’d be upset by this arrangement. It would strike him as somehow unmanly – there’s an old fashioned word – not to be steering the big dreams and the big numbers, just as he’d look askew at any man who knew how to turn the oven on.

He was a dab hand with a broken fuel pump or a recalcitrant alternator, but the kitchen was a foreign country to him. He was extraordinarily proud the day he fried an egg. On the one occasion when my mother was not there to cater for him the glow of triumph on his face as he turned from the hob to bring us his masterpiece was lastingly unforgettable.

The hot pan scorched a perfect black circle across the table top.

He copped for a fearsome rollocking when my mother saw the damage he’d done to her table.  He took it remarkably calmly for once, simply repairing to the haven of the big old chair in the lounge to draw what little comfort he could from his creaky old pipe.

That was the first time I realised he might be in some way hiding there, behind the smoke, the sports pages and his pools coupon.

By Will Turner

Image:  Flickr /  JD Hancock 

How a conflicted and tragic father-son relationship launched the UK’s only health and wellbeing centre for vulnerable men

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Earlier this month an extraordinary couple from Burton upon Trent opened a unique and ground breaking new male-only health and wellbeing centre to support some of the most vulnerable men in their community.

The Eaton Foundation, which encompasses mental health, addiction, homelessness and life skills support under one roof, is the first and only such centre in the UK specifically targeted at men.

The centre has been met with warm and widespread local and national media coverage, but what the reports mentioned only in passing, was the complex and tragic father-son relationship that was its inspiration.

Alex and Jessica Eaton were driven to establish the centre after the death of Alex’s father two years ago, who despite suffering from alcoholism and complex mental health problems, had repeatedly fallen through the cracks of local health and social care.

‘He would drink just to function’

Alex spoke with insideMAN shortly before the centre opened about the conflicted relationship he had with a father who he loved deeply despite his destructive behaviour and the bleak circumstances that led to his death aged just 52.

“He’d suffered from mental health problems, substance abuse, homelessness, everything really. But because my dad was drunk quite a lot of the time, they would say it was his own choice and they couldn’t help him.”

“He was vulnerable, what I mean by that, he was an alcoholic, he was chemically dependent on his alcohol.

“On pay day, he would get up, go to the shop and he would buy a big litre bottle of 20-20 and he would down that and he would buy two of those gold labels too, just to function in the morning.”

When trying to get his father help, Alex tried the local rehab centre, local crisis team, local mental health team, none of whom could help, or had six month waiting lists.

‘I thought, I’ll never be like you’

“When nothing else worked and my dad was coming round causing lots of trouble, we had to go to the police.”

The police then put him in a mental health unit.

Despite his father’s destructive behaviour Alex loved his father and invited him to come and stay with him and his girlfriend — Alex would ask him not to drink in the house, but his father would hide the alcohol and drink anyway. His behaviour eventually took a heavy toll on Alex’s relationship with his girlfriend.

Alex says they had a deeply complex and conflicted bond – in the end his father became a role model for what he never wanted to become. Alex doesn’t drink or smoke, let alone do drugs.

“One thing my dad said to me, ‘you’re just like me’, and I thought, I’ll never be like you.”

Dearth of male-focused services

He believes a major reason why his father was unable to get the helped he needed, was because he was a man and that the lack of male-focused services was compounded by the pressures men feel under to be stoic and cope alone.

“We’ve always seen there’s a gap in service provision for men, it seems like in this day and age, women and children are favoured over men.”

“To be a man, you’re always told you have to be strong, kind of be emotionless.”

“Basically, even women think men have to be the ones who go out to work, to be strong, basically to be the structure of the family, that’s the expectation that’s been put on us as men.”

“I think that absolutely when men do suffer with mental health problems, or do suffer with addiction, they feel it’s better to try and hide it.”

‘He would have been proud’

“I think men are scared of admitting that there is something wrong, because they don’t want to appear weak, in case they get laughed at or mocked.”

Alex’s father over-dosed at a homeless hostel after drinking heavily and taking a combination of prescription medication and illegal drugs.

A week after his father’s death, Alex was sitting down with his wife discussing what provision there was for men in his father’s position in their area, he says “there was no centre in our area for men, basically, so we just thought, why don’t we open our own organisation and it went from there”.

“We provide a holistic support package. With the complex mental health problems we come across, you can’t afford to be one-dimensional.”

“You can give someone counselling for years and years, but if you have housing problems, with bailiffs coming through the door, it will never go away, you need a whole package to get round those issues.”

“When we first opened the charity, we did feel no-one took us seriously, but since we’ve been gaining momentum, we feel we’ve opened a lot of people’s eyes locally and even nationally, and it’s even got to the stage where people want one of these mental health centres in their own area, and this one is not even open yet. We’ve had a lot of local support”

“At the end of the day, I know my dad would have been really proud of what we’re doing and that we’re helping other people like him.”

“Our target this year was to see 100 individual men, but are now looking to help even more.”

By Dan Bell

Image: The Eaton Foundation

The insideman book launch debate: ‘A conversation that needs to happen’

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Leading UK dad blogger John Adams, one of the brilliant contributors to the insideMAN book and a panelist at last Friday’s book launch debate, gives his thoughts on taking the stage to discuss “the hottest of hot potatoes”.

I feel honoured to have contributed to an amazing book called Pioneering Stories about Men and Boys. The book, which has just been launched, is a collection of essays from a very diverse and talented range of writers.

The book was collated and edited by Glen Poole and Dan Bell, the dynamic duo behind the insideMAN. Its aim is to shed light on a masculinity and a number of issues that affect men.

All too often equality is considered a women’s issue. It’s important to stress this book doesn’t down play the importance of the challenges women face.

Nonetheless, it highlights challenges that guys are dealing with in the modern era. It’s been put together in easy to read, bite-size chunks and is hard to put down once you get going.

Issues tackled in the book include:
• male infertility
• eating disorders among men
• circumcision (see below)
• dealing with miscarriage (this contribution have been written by my blogging chum Al Ferguson of The Dad Network)
• men’s mental health (see below)
• living as a gay man.

A highlight for me was a chapter exploring whether there is a masculinity crisis called Crisis? What Crisis? This was written by Mark Simpson, a writer and journalist widely credited for coining the phrase ‘metrosexual’. Other highlights include a highly personal account from a man who didn’t want his son circumcised in opposition to his wife, and the damage it did to his relationship. If you read it and don’t have a lump in your throat by the end then you have no soul.

The Ancient Rules of Masculinity by consultant clinical psychologist Martin Seager explores mental health and suicide, vital subjects considering the lack of mental health support available to men and a suicide rate three times higher than women’s. Chris Good, who describes himself as a “writer, musician and father of four” provides a self-explanatory contribution called Breaking the Silence of Male Victims of Domestic Violence.

My own contribution is called The Privilege and Sacrifice of Being a Stay at Home Dad. In it I highlight how I enjoy the role, but outline the struggles I sometimes face to be taken seriously in this traditionally female role.

By all means accuse me of being biased, but if you have an interest in equalities, I’d recommend reading this book. Other commentators have said it is essential reading for anyone with sons. I’ll leave you to make your own mind up on that point, but it’s not an unhealthy suggestion!

Not only was I honoured to contribute to the book, I was also one of five people asked to speak at its launch party on Friday night. The other speakers were Mark Simpson, journalist and former editor of Loaded magazine Martin Daubney, parental alienation specialist Karen Woodall and Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz, a personal development consultant.

The event took place at Bloomsbury Central Baptist Church in Central London (to clarify, the event was secular). We each had six minutes to answer the question;If masculinity is in crisis, who needs to change; men or society? It was followed by a Q&A session involving all of us speakers.

If you’ll indulge me, I’m going to tell you a little story. Back in 2013 I accepted an invitation to speak at the annual BritMums Live conference blogging conference. I had only been blogging a few months so was very surprised to receive this invitation.

While at the podium, I made a passing comment, and it was no more than a passing comment, questioning why mum bloggers seemed reluctant to write about feminism. That may sound like a sweeping generalisation, but the previous day someone at the conference had spoken about feminism and there was a noticeable response on social media from those in the audience saying they wouldn’t touch the subject.

‘The hottest of hot potatoes’

Move forward to 2015 and as the launch event for Pioneering Stories about Men and Boys neared, I realised why there was such resistance to writing about equalities and gender issues. The uncomfortable truth is that gender and gender equality are the hottest of hot potatoes. It dawned on me that whatever I was going to say would meet with disagreement from at least some in the audience. Was I mad or foolhardy to have agreed to this speaking engagement?

There was no way I was going to back out, but I was very nervous. I wrote some notes, but wasn’t sure whether to tone down what I was going to say. In the end I decided not to. The purpose of this event was to create debate and if a few people disagreed with me, well, that was part of the territory.

In short I said there is a masculinity crisis. I said that men could no longer rely on superior physical strength to give them a place in society and that the ‘hunter gather’ and ‘provider’ stereotypes are a historical anomaly. The traditionally male world of work and traditionally male occupations had been opened up to women. Conversely, the domestic sphere and traditionally female occupations had not been opened up to men in the same way (IE the early year’s childcare workforce which is 98% female).

I concluded by saying men needed to be more willing to give up, or ‘downgrade’ careers to look after family and home and that women should be prepared to step back so men could take on more childcare and homemaking responsibilities. I also said society needed to accept that masculinity was changing. Responsibility always was, and remains, an important part of masculinity. A man could run the family home and look after the kids as well as any women and society needed to accept this.

‘A discussion that needs to be had’

While I received a lot of positive feedback, not everyone in the audience was in complete agreement with what I said. Even so, it was a fun experience and I’m still on a high now and delighted to have taken part.

Even between us speakers there was a healthy range of opinions. Karen Woodall was not convinced there was a masculinity crisis and said feminism had not always been a force for good. Mark Simpson said the masculinity crisis had happened 20-30 years ago, society just didn’t know how to respond to modern men.

Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz gave a very personal insight talking about his own masculinity crisis and how he dealt with it. Martin Daubney, meanwhile, stressed the inequalities men face. He said men were unable to create ‘safe spaces’ to discuss men’s issues. He gave the example of universities that are happy to accommodate women’s groups, but fail to endorse men’s groups wishing to discuss issues such as mental health and suicide.

I’m glad I did it. It was truly an honour to be asked to speak and to contribute to the book. At the end of the day I don’t actually care about people agreeing or disagreeing with my point of view. These discussions have got to be had so that men and women and create a better world for ourselves and our sons and daughters.

My advice ‘though; do buy the book. You won’t be disappointed.

By John Adams

This article originally appeared on John Adams’ excellent fatherhood blog DadblogUK.com

To get your copy of Pioneering Stories About Men and Boys, follow this link. It costs £8 for the ebook, £12 for paperback and £21 for hardback.

Are men less likely to be seduced by left-wing Corbyn-mania?

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The left-wing contender for the leadership of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, is heading for a surprise victory according to the pollster YouGov, with 53% of those eligible to vote saying he’s the candidate they’ll back.

More interesting than that—for those of us who view the world through the filter of gender politics at least—is the fact that the same poll reveals that Corbyn is a hit with the ladies. So while 48% of the male selectorate back the Islington MP, a whopping 63% of females polled want the anti-monarchist, lefty to lead Her Majesty’s Most Loyal Opposition.

This left-right gender gap at the heart of Labour’s internecine succession contest seems to reflect a wider tendency in politics for women to be more left wing on average and men to be more right wing.

This has certainly been true in American politics where men and women have been voting for the “masculine” Republicans and the “feminine” Democrats along gender lines for 50 years now. Obama won the 2008 election by one percentage point amongst men and 12 points amongst women, while Clinton’s lead amongst women in 1996 was event bigger at 18 per cent.

And in the run up to the UK’s most recent general election, a stark gender divide in the nation’s political beliefs was revealed when a poll taken prior to the Heywood and Middleton by-election found that 20% more men would vote UKIP than Labour (41% v 21%) while 20% more women would vote Labour than UKIP (58% v 38%). As a result, the female electorate won the seat for the Labour Party.

This “right-wingers are from Mars and left-wingers are from Venus” divide which is found across the wider political spectrum is clearly being replicated in Labour’s narrow slice of the political salami.

Of the four leadership contenders, Liz Kendall is the most right-wing and is backed by nearly three times as many men than women (11% to 4%).

In the centre of the pack it’s a slightly different story. Both Burham and Cooper stand to the right of Corbyn and the left of Kendall, but Burnham is probably a bit more left wing than Cooper.

According to YouGov, 68% of Kendall’s right-wing backers make Cooper their second choice (compared to 24% preferring Cooper and 8% Corbyn)—suggesting Cooper is closer to the Blairite right of the party than Burham.

Similarly, 32% of Burnham’s backers make Corbyn their number two choice compared to 24% of Coopers backers, suggesting Burnham has a slightly more left-wing leaning than Cooper.

On this basis, we might expect to see more women backing Burham and more men backing Cooper, but the reverse is true. It could be that good old fashioned gender politics is playing a greater role here than standard left-right politics.

Burnham, who has been attacked for running a “very macho” and “very male” campaign has the backing of 24% of the men eligible to vote and just 17% of the women.

Meanwhile, Cooper, has played the gender card, attacking Burnham’s campaign for “suggesting that somehow women aren’t strong enough to do the top jobs” and calling on the party to “elect a Labour women leader of the party” to “shake up the old boys’ network at Westminster”.

https://youtu.be/jrNfhEfowlM?t=27m19s

This approach may have made her slightly more popular amongst women than Burham, with 19% of the female selectorate backing Cooper compared with 17% of the male vote.

What’s interesting here, is women’s greater tendency to put idealism over pragmatism. When asked which candidates they thought had the potential to win the next general election, 51% said Burnham would be likely to win; 44% said the same for Cooper and 46% said Corbyn was a winner in waiting. Yet, while women think Burnham has the best bet of becoming Prime Minister, they’d rather vote for Corbyn or Cooper.

Men also have an idealist tendency, particular left-wing men. When asked which candidates could win the next general election, 53% said Burnham would be likely to win; 46% said the same for Cooper and 39% said Corbyn.

So for men, the gap between those who think Corbyn can become PM (39%) and those who back him as the next party leader (48%), is 9 percent. For women, the gap between premiership potential (46%) and leadership support (61%) is two-thirds bigger at 15 percent.

Corbyn, it seems, is currently a runaway success with both the gents and the ladies, but is notably more successful at politically seducing women.

One final note of worth, the YouGov poll once again nails the myth (spread by the likes of BBC Woman’s Hour) that the reason there aren’t as many women leaders is because men won’t support them. In total, 28% of men who are eligible say they’ll vote for one of the two female candidates compared with 23% of women. On the other hand, 78% of the female voters back one of the two men who are running for office, compared with 72% of male voters.

All of which goes to prove that party politics—like gender politics—is a funny old game.

https://d25d2506sfb94s.cloudfront.net/cumulus_uploads/document/14x8p1al7n/TimesResults150810LabourMembers.pdf

 

Man or woman, be yourself, and do what you want!

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insideMAN recently posed the question why is it difficult to celebrate being a man? I find the question very interesting because there is no specific answer. Any answer is subjective and relative to one’s perception. I don’t have any problem these days celebrating being a man in this modern era of equality. Also the same question can and should be put to women because I hear many a woman intimate the same about themselves in discussions.

I was born a man, I had no choice, option or involvement. Nature gave me the qualities of a man, the personality that goes with it. It’s nature that decrees as humans if we are a man or woman. Men are given a penis, women not, but they are given two breasts and a womb and this difference is simply for reproduction, the survival of the human race. After that men and women are the same, with feelings, emotions, laughter, sadness, two arms, two legs and thankfully one head! Apart from subtle differences like average body size and strength although there are quite a few women out in the world who can match any man in these two respects, we are basically the same.

What is it then that really muddies the waters with these two groups of humans and can make some not want to celebrate being a man, or being a woman? The answer is a very simple one. We live by labels, stereotypes, traditions expectations. We have a need to categorise everybody and everything to a specific, humans, or the majority of, cannot cope otherwise. Humans are not made in factories, specific to the millimetre nut and bolt. We are all different, all individuals in every aspect of human life. Society, its attitudes/behaviours/pressure put me under a counsellor in 2011/2012. She showed me how to be proud of myself, me, an individual, a man, look at what I have, I am, rather than what I don’t have or what others expect. Why try and get the world to look at you? We are simply many worlds within one, concentrate on your own world.

I. Am. A. Man

Life does and will offer challenges to all regardless of gender, both good and not good. It is how we deal with them positively that allows you to celebrate yourself. It helps if you can create a focus, an aim or target, not dwell what isn’t or cannot be. I/we do not have children and cannot. It is a hole in my/our life. Individuals insisting their ethos, beliefs and expectations upon me simply because they do not agree, understand, or even try to, can bring negativity about myself as well. That I must adhere to their expectations of a man which are rarely applied to women does not help. The fact that discrimination towards men in many aspects of life are ignored in comparison to society’s persistence in talking only about women’s discrimination, when so often both overlap each other, is another reason. Since 2012 I have spoken out, verbally and on social media as me, for me and on behalf of men generally — and yes I also support issues that do not affect me. I am me whether you like it or not, but I celebrate being me. Why shouldn’t I? Who in the outside world is so perfect they can make me feel that I should not celebrate me, a man!

Many humans associate masculinity as being a real man. Noting Karen’s observations in her article about men and boys being the predecessors of making the world turn, and now losing their lineage due to women taking over these roles, I applied masculinity to me as a man. I celebrated because I must be a man. I can do all aspects of building work. I can plumb, do electrics. I can do work on the car but choose not, but I could. I have established a successful self-employment, I have my wife’s well-being at the forefront. I have looked after her in sickness, I have supported her when a few years back a certain section of society dealt her a crushing blow. My wife prefers me to lead even though it is a role I would share and do so at times. I can climb hills and mountains faster than my wife and carry heavier backpacks. I could go on. These are all traits of a man’s masculinity, the gatherer, the provider, the carer all things that apparently are these days taken away from men due to women moving into men’s roles and thereby not allowing some men to celebrate being a man.

But then I stopped. I thought about the whole perspective. Yes I can celebrate being a man but so too can my wife as being a woman, just like any woman can and for their own justified reasons and perspective. Women can actually do all what I do including my DIY activities — including my self-employment and climbing hills/mountains as fast and at times faster than me. I’ve seen women with huge backpacks. My wife has looked after me in sickness and supported me when society temporarily crushed me. Yet even though they can and do all of this and more in other aspects of life they still hold the label femininity. But surely its masculinity, the role of the man isn’t it?

Be yourself

I do not disrespect or un-recognise all the world’s achievements of the past, mostly by men, or the lives laid down by men. It is the past, it is history, and this modern era and the future I acknowledge women will play a vital role, and yes men too, if they continue to celebrate themselves, believe in themselves and work as a man. You are still men alongside women. The future never dwells on the past and so too for men. You cannot celebrate if you do.

It is labels and stereotypes placed upon society as expectations on gender and it is these constraints that I think stop allowing people to celebrate being themselves. Traditional and expected masculine roles that men and boys claim to be devalued by women really are not masculine at all. They are just labels and stereotypes placed within society for men by society. Nature decrees man or woman — humans decree roles and expectations.

Be yourself, and do what you want. If you have the intellect, strength and ability go for it. My life was dictated to by society because of its expectations upon me because I am a man. It ground me down during school years, in my early working life and again in 2011. You will be far more content and happy with yourself if you are your true self not what others dictate to you due to labels, stereotypes and expectations. You can be anything you want if you try and work at it.

I am a man, an individual, who embraces freedom of choice, expression and respect and true equality for all, not selective respect/equality but above all I believe in myself, as a man.

I am a man, one of many men, who wears skirts or clothing that society still labels as women’s wear with regards men but any-wear when it comes to women. Yes, like those other men and yes the many women who now adopt male style clothing, even actual male-style clothing, as their wardrobe, I am not ashamed or embarrassed.

To you it may question my masculinity or what being a man is, to me it doesn’t, just like it doesn’t for the women in male-style clothing these days.  I am a celebrating man, secure with myself. Are you? If yes, why not celebrate being a man and the need to answer “why is it difficult to celebrate being a man?”

By Jeremy Hutchinson

You can read more of Jeremy’s writing on his blog here

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We don’t need to redefine masculinity, amazing men have always been all around us

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As a toddler and small boy my sisters and I often spent the weekend on an estate in Camden, Maine.  A place where the hills meet the sea, it’s what San Francisco would be if San Francisco were a small New England town.

The estate had a mansion and two other small houses.  My grandparents lived in one of the small houses.  The other was empty.  And except for a few weeks each summer the mansion was empty as well.

My grandfather, Fred Daley, was the groundskeeper (pictured as a young man, on the right of this photograph).  He kept the lawn manicured, grew vegetables on a small patch of land, went deer hunting in the woods every November, and plowed snow in winter.  My grandmother cleaned the houses and cooked when the owners were there.

The wealthy family that owned the estate could impress their guests with vegetables straight from the garden, and venison from their property.  Their appreciation for my grandparents was clear.

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Years later, after the property was sold and my grandparents had bought their own house, my grandfather showed me an officer’s sword from the First World War.  He told me his old boss, whose father was a captain in the Great War, gave him the sword as a gift.

Almost two decades later my grandfather died.  I asked my grandmother for the sword.  But she had already sold it.  I don’t think she understood the value of that sword.  And I don’t mean financial value.

Back in the day, it was quite the honor to be given a man’s sword.  That a man of wealth would give a family heirloom to a common laborer was an immense sign of respect.

And my grandfather was a well-respected man.  He was a quiet man.  People trusted him because his word was his bond.  But he was not a domineering man.  The only time I ever saw him get angry was during a television interview with a holocaust denier (he was an American GI during World War II and saw a concentration camp first hand).

Quiet self-confidence

He was also a man who could get things done.  He knew basic carpentry, plumbing, electric, automotive, and agriculture.  It was a matter of necessity.  The second of five boys, he finished high school in the early 1930s at the peak of the Great Depression.

He told me they were poor before the depression, so it didn’t make much difference.  Except for one thing.

His father was a marine carpenter, and New Deal farm subsidies meant that Maine potatoes would be sent by ship to larger American ports.  The increased demand for carpenters to build and maintain docks should have been a help to the family.  But his father was a Canadian citizen, and back then a man couldn’t get American citizenship by marrying an American woman.  (In fact, between 1907 and 1922 an American woman lost her citizenship for marrying a foreign man.)  My great-grandfather was barred from any job that involved government funds, and my grandfather worked what jobs he could find in the 1930s to help support his parents and brothers before being drafted into World War II.

His masculinity was conveyed with a quiet self-confidence and dedication to those closest to him.

A person, not a role

Pop culture, for better or worse, is a barometer of what our culture thinks of what it means to be a man or a woman.  The increase in strong female characters, and the recurring theme of women rejecting traditional roles (often after a man attempts to impose it on her) has been notable over the past few decades, and especially of late.  Men, meanwhile, are often buffoons, soft or ineffective “nice guys,” or the violent heroes of summer block buster action films.

We ask what it means to be a man because men’s roles in modern society are shifting.  Part of this is due to the diminished need for brawn.  Part of it is due to a dramatic expansion of women’s options, meaning that women aren’t dependent on men as they were in the past.  Part of it is that many men both want and are expected to take a greater role in child rearing.  And gay and transgender men are fighting for their equality as men.

But a man’s dignity has always been about who he is as a person, not the particular role he serves.  The self-possessed man who leads with a quiet self-confidence, who is a valued member of his family and community, has always been there.

And he’s still here today.  I think of the fathers and children I see everyday.  I think of my father, who tells me he loves me every time we talk, even though his father never spoke those words to him.  I think of my friends.  I think of my first boss after college, my sometime mentor, a gay Jewish man (now married with two kids) who also played a large role in the man and the social worker I am today.  I think of my boss ten years ago who gave me a hug when I told him my grandfather had died.  I think of the men who reached out to me a few years ago when I got divorced.

It is often said that masculinity is about domination and control.  Such men exist, but the domineering tough guy has never been the sum total of masculinity.  The notion of toxic masculinity, however, is presupposed in the question of how to redefine masculinity.  But this is a one-sided view.  We don’t need to redefine masculinity.  We need only look around us.

By David Dubay

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‘Manspreading?’ I’ve seen just as many men give up their seats on the tube

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This week “manspreading” surfaced once again from the depths of Tumblr to make one of its now regular appearances in the mainstream media, after two men in New York were arrested for taking up too much room on the subway, where this allegedly gendered behaviour has reportedly (and incredibly) been made an offence.

Anyone who has a passing familiarity with the pop-cultural discussion of gender that takes place on twitter and in online organs such as Jezebel and the Huffington Post, will a) know what “manspreading” is supposed to represent and b) know exactly where they stand (or sit) on the issue.

For my part, it strikes me that if men can not only be publicly humiliated by women for the way they sit on public transport, but arrested for it as well, then it’s a very strange form of Patriarchal privilege indeed that they are apparently enjoying.

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But the dodgy ideological reasoning behind stigmatising men for the way they sit has been raked over plenty of times already. What I want to write about is the gulf between the alleged scourge of men sitting legs akimbo on the tube, and the behaviour of men that I actually witness on a daily basis while travelling on public transport in London.

I mainly take the bus at the moment, where for some reason “manspreading” is less forensically monitored by the Tumblerettes who post sneakily-taken phone images (creepy objectification anyone?) on their “Men Taking Up Too Much Space on the Train” blog. But during six months last year I commuted on the overground train that runs between  east London and west London.

The train is packed at rush hour and you would routinely find yourself standing for the full 50-minute journey. Almost without fail during the six months I made the commute, at least once during the two-way journey I would see a man either offer to give up a seat he was sitting on for a perfectly able-bodied woman, or demure to allow a woman to sit down if there was some confusion as to who had got to the seat first.

Occasionally a woman would politely refuse, but in the majority of instances she would smile with gratitude and happily take the seat to avoid standing for the best part of an hour.

Benevolent sexism?

Now, you might argue this is a form of “benevolent sexism”, in which these men don’t think women are strong enough to stand on their own two feet. Granted, occasionally there would be something a bit patronising in the exchange, but far more often it appeared to me that the man offering his seat was doing so out of a sense of the etiquette that he knew was expected of him. More importantly though, in the instances when there was uncertainty as to who got to the seat first, there was the unspoken weight of shame he would be subjected to as a man for “stealing” a seat from a woman.

Whether you agree with this gendered role play or not, what it certainly doesn’t show is that these men hold an inherent sense of entitlement over public space.

But the point I really want to make here is that I’ve never seen so much as a tweet or a Facebook post to acknowledge this small, but en-mass, daily display of self-sacrifice by men. Spend a day travelling on the tube in London and I guarantee you’ll see a man give up his seat, you’ll probably also see a man help a woman carry her pram up an escalator, or help another with her luggage.

But if you were to take your assumptions about how men use public space solely from the virtual world of social media and online commentary, you’d be forgiven for assuming that all men do is lounge and leer their way through the subways and streets of London and New York.

Of course it’s not particularly surprising that we don’t hear about men’s daily small acts of random kindness – no news is good news, after all. But what is a problem, is if the constantly-repeated negative messages about men start to become ingrained in our preconceptions about them too. After all, that is precisely what tends to happen when we’re constantly  fed negative messages about a particular group of people.

So I’ve decided there’s only one thing for it. I’m going to start a Tumblr. It’s going to feature selectively-taken phone clips that set out to prove a one-sided worldview and it’s going to be called: “Men Giving Up Too Much Space on the Tube.”

By Dan Bell

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