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It’s time to have a new kind of conversation about men and boys

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insideMAN’s Features Editor, explains how an exchange he witnessed in an editorial meeting over ten years’ ago, offers an insight into why we need to change the way we talk about men and boys.

— This is article #100 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Many years ago, when I was just starting out as a journalist, I witnessed an exchange in an editorial meeting that spoke volumes about the way people tend to respond if you say you are interested in writing about the issues that affect men and boys.

I was working as an intern for The Nation magazine in New York, one of America’s longest-standing left-leaning political magazines, when Cindy Sheehan, a mother whose son had been killed in Iraq, was invited to come and speak about the Mothers For Peace anti-war campaign.

As she was addressing the room of editors, she mentioned in passing that dead soldiers’ fathers had also asked to take part in their campaign. The moment she said this, an audible series of sniggers and snorts of derision went around the room, as if to say: “Typical! Bloody men again, trying to muscle-in on a women’s campaign! Don’t they already control everything else?”

‘Why do men need a voice?’

I can still clearly remember how astonished I was at that reaction – fathers being excluded from a campaign to end military deaths and suffering experienced almost solely by young men, many of whom would themselves be fathers. What made the response even more breath-taking to me, was that the fathers who weren’t in the room, but at whom these sniggers were directed, would themselves have been part of the generation of men drafted for the Vietnam War. If there was anyone who had a right to be a part of an anti-war campaign, it was surely them.

As a young trainee journalist I just sat and kept my mouth shut, far too intimidated by the room full of high-powered – and predominantly female – editors to question their reaction. But that exchange has not only stayed with me ever since, it’s also one I have seen versions of played out in editorial meetings at every publication I have worked for consequently.

When I mention that I am interested in finding ways to give men and boys a voice, one of the first reactions is often, “why do men need a voice? Aren’t virtually all powerful and public voices already male?” But in my experience, men are rarely given the opportunity to speak publicly about the issues that affect them as men. There may be plenty of male politicians, pundits and journalists, but to speak out as men, is to risk being labelled a whinging bully, or worse.

Let’s push things forward

All of this is a very roundabout way of explaining why I am so excited to have worked on our #100Voices4Men and boys project. When we started, we knew we were doing something that was both powerful and unique. But we weren’t prepared for just how insightful, thought-provoking and diverse the responses would be.

The series has included insights from young men into how they feel about feminism, on what it’s like for a father to lose a child through his wife’s miscarriage, how a gay Methodist minister reconciles his sexuality with his religion, the views of a campaigner against male circumcision and the story of a former boxer who uses his tough upbringing to inspire young men.

What’s really great, is that more and more publications are realising the need to engage in a much wider and more sophisticated discussion about men and masculinity. Huffington Post Men is the latest publication to join the conversation, alongside Telegraph Men and BBC Radio’s Men’s Hour, these are offering a vital counterbalance to what at times can seem like a relentlessly negative and one-dimensional way in which we talk about men.

Our strap-line at insideMAN is “Pioneering conversations about men and boys”. Let’s break some new ground and move the conversation forward.

This article first appeared on Huffington Post Men

Feature image: flickr/floeschie

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

‘Men don’t have problems, they cause them’ is now the only politically correct thing you can say about men

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There is now a pervasive drive to limit the discussion of men and masculinity to a single, poisonous, narrative: Men don’t have problems, they cause them. This is how it’s happening in schools, universities, across the media and even in the UN itself.

— This is article #99 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

On Monday, The Times reported on the Raising Awareness and Prevention initiative – a project in which a former New York sex-crime prosecutor goes into London schools to lecture boys on how porn is generating a rise in misogyny. The article starts with this sentence: “Mission impossible: one hour to re-programme teenage boys’ sexual manners so they are fit for a feminist world”.

It ends with this: “These are boys any parent would be proud of and they are also now scarred for life. Any time they imagine doing something furtive online, it will trigger the thought that adults of influence – maybe even some formidable American women – are seeing into their souls via their search history. Mission accomplished.”

This isn’t sex education. It’s indoctrination, bordering on abuse. It’s also just one example of what is now a pervasive drive to limit the discussion of men and masculinity to a single narrative: Men don’t have problems, they cause them.

‘Good Lad’ workshop

The boundaries of what some people would like to see as permissible speech about men was summed up earlier this month, when rugby players at Oxford University took part in a ‘Good Lad’ workshop, aimed at combatting what the organisers say is a crisis of sexual assault and harassment on campus.

In 2009, another men’s group was set up at Oxford University, this time not aimed at teaching men how to stop harassing women, but as a space for young men to explore what it means to be a man in contemporary UK society. The group was vociferously condemned as “reactionary and ridiculous” by the very same campaigners who say that male students should take part in forums such as the ‘Good Lad’ workshop.

At the time, Olivia Bailey, then NUS national women’s officer, said: “What exactly will a men’s society do? To suggest that men need a specific space to be ‘men’ is ludicrous, when everywhere you turn you will find male-dominated spaces.”

You can speak up as a man, as long as it’s to apologise

So, just to be clear, the only time men are permitted to come together to talk about their experiences of being men, is when they hold themselves in contrition in an attempt prevent themselves from abusing women? Right. OK then.

But student campaigners aren’t the only ones committed to controlling the conversation about what it means to be a man. In January of this year, the Southbank Centre held the Being A Man festival, the first of its kind in the UK and organised by the same people who run the well-established, feminist-orientated, Women of the World Festival.

I was genuinely excited at the prospect of such a high-profile event that would put a vibrant discussion of men and masculinity at the heart of the UK’s cultural establishment. Except that isn’t what happened. What actually took place was a series of ideological set pieces, in which prominent feminists and their allies told us what they think men are and how we need to change.

Over the course of two days, we were told that men should be feminists, but offered no view on why they shouldn’t be; that male violence against women is a problem, but given no views on the problem of female perpetrators and male victims; that porn is bad for you, but offered no perspectives on how men can explore, express and celebrate their sexuality. And so on.

HeForShe

In the run-up to the festival, the organisers arranged a series of panel discussions among men to explore what the big issues for men are that the festival should address. From the line-up of speakers at the event, it’s hard not to conclude they didn’t simply exclude any voices that weren’t in line with their own feminist worldview.

It’s one thing if student campaigners and metropolitan pundits try to limit what you can say about men, but it’s quite another when the UN gets in on the act. The UN’s recently-launched HeForShe campaign, championed by Emma Watson, calls on men to help end violence against women – and who wouldn’t want to help do that? But the glaring, frankly bizarre, elephant in the room is that the campaign deliberately, explicitly omits concern for male victims of violence.

This is the pledge the UN is asking men to sign up to: “I commit to take action against all forms of violence and discrimination faced by women and girls.” Discrimination can be a very subjective topic, but the UN’s data on violence is unequivocal, globally men and boys are almost four times more likely to be murdered than women and girls.

These messages are being targeted at boys and young men at ages when they are most vulnerable and insecure about their place in the world. The narrative itself excludes discussion of the impact this is having on young men, or of the problems they face due to their own gender.

Young men ‘shouted at and publicly humiliated’

insideMAN recently took the unusual step of actually asking young men how they feel about the conversation that is being had about them, rather than with them. The responses of these teenagers, who are relentlessly subjected to social media propaganda about the failures of their sex – from EveryDaySexism, to Hollaback, to the FCKH8 video – should stand as a wakeup call.

They said that if they make any attempt to contradict these prevailing messages, they “will draw fire… so the only option is to shut up”. Asked what conditions would make them feel able speak their minds, they said “they would need a safe space where they could feel confident they would not be shouted at and publicly humiliated; where their motives were not under immediate suspicion simply on account of their gender. They want protecting against fundamentalism by prominent and leading figures in the campaign for gender equality – people who can defend the sincerity of their interest and allow real discussion”.

But the concluding line of the article is most damning of all. “As the boys left our house they said how great it was to be able to have a sensible conversation about these things. I was struck that this was the first opportunity they had ever had to discuss gender equality without having to self-censor.”

Not to worry though, soon they’ll be at university and there’ll be Good Lad workshop they can go to.

By A Man

 

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Looking back on 40 years in the “men’s movement”

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Paul Morrison reflects on 40 years in the “men’s movement”.

—This is article #98 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

I have been in or running men’s groups now for forty of my nearly seventy years. They have been a rich arena of support, warmth and understanding, a place to be challenged lovingly, a place to explore and re-shape my sense of myself as a man and as a human being. Now, as I watch myself grow older with other men who are also growing older, life continues to throw up its challenges, new layers of vulnerability are exposed. There is no shortage of material for discussion and exploration, no lack of questions to be answered, in these our mature years.

We began meeting in response to the women close to us who were embracing feminism – the second wave – in the early seventies. Women were demanding equality, demanding to be taken seriously in the workplace, challenging the widespread assumptions I had grown up with: men as providers, breadwinners; women as domestic labourers and child-rearers; men as rational; women as emotional; men as powerful in the world; women as keepers of the home; women as passive and as sexual objects; men as active and sexual drivers.

The new women historians were telling us that this gender division of labour wasn’t an inevitable outcome of biological difference. It hadn’t always been this way. Even during the war recently fought women had taken on all kinds of roles for which they previously been deemed unfit.

We supported the women’s movement 

We saw the justice of the women’s movement: it was incontrovertible that the wider world we lived in was run for the most part by men, and that women’s countervailing authority in the arenas of family and childcare was largely demeaned, patronised and undervalued, as was emotionality itself. Some of us were confused, feeling at times that we carried the sins – and the privileges – of millennia of patriarchy on our shoulders. At the same time we wanted to resist that guilt, to start again from where we were, and find a way to be as men that acknowledged the history and supported the fight for equality, but didn’t mean we had to be forever ashamed of our man-ness.

To begin to look at this, we needed to talk to one another. We needed the support of other men. We borrowed the model of consciousness-raising from feminism, and formed a group. It was an experiment. It didn’t have a label or an ideology, It was men talking to one another about their hopes and fears.

To start with these conversations carried a sense of our identities being under threat. Before long it grew into a positive sense of wanting to re-shape ourselves and our lives. We liked being together. We liked talking together. We discovered that it was safe to share our vulnerability with one another, when so much male upbringing had been supposedly about bullying, competing and getting one over on one another. What had been once defensive became an exciting and deeply meaningful re-ordering of priorities. Feminism instead of being a threat became an opportunity: to move out of rigidly prescribed masculine roles and allow ourselves more emotional openness; to seek closer and more engaged relationships with our children; to be truly equal in our relationships with our partners.

Some of us committed ourselves to share childcare and housework. Amid the joy and pride in discovering that we indeed had the capacity for care and nurture, we could at times find ourselves lonely and isolated: the only man in the park with a pushchair; the only guy among the women in the playgroup. We learnt to use the men’s group for support rather than relying always on the women in our lives to emotionally prop us up. Some of us explored the burgeoning humanistic psychotherapy movement, and introduced some of that therapy awareness into the men’s group.

As we bonded and grew in strength and confidence, we felt moved to share our discoveries with other men.

We attended and helped to organise men’s conferences bringing together the men’s groups that were emerging nationally. We founded and produced a magazine, Achilles Heel, intended as a kind of cousin to Spare Rib, which brought in other men and gave a voice to the burgeoning movement, and to the re-thinking of masculinity that went with it. We organised residential weeks for men and children. We attended demonstrations supporting for example A Woman’s Right to Choose. We founded a men’s centre in a condemned building. We held men’s days, jointly with gay men.

Going public felt scary, a kind of coming out. The press coined the term ‘new man’, something we never claimed for ourselves, wanting not to separate ourselves and to see the humanity in all men. Having invented the term, the press then used it to derogate and patronise us. Some women in the broader feminist movement were hostile, seeing us as using the men’s movement to reclaim their power. Some gay men were also angry at what they saw as an attempt by heterosexual men to claim victim status. But many understood what we were about and were supportive.

We were cautious about building a national organisation. We didn’t want to set up yet another hierarchical structure with middle class white men at the top. Men’s task at that time was to go inside and into the family; it was women who were staking a claim for access to the wider world.

In the years since, I have watched many of the skilled jobs that sustained the industrial trade unions be eviscerated, and with them the role of men as sole or main breadwinner. I have seen many men whose dignity and self-respect depended on those jobs become stranded and embittered. Rates of male suicide and mental breakdown rose as a result, many men lacking the resources, internal and external, to socialise their hurt and anger..

From lad-ism to dads’ rights 

I have watched the growth of ‘lad-ism’ as the dominant male culture, retaining many of the cultural props of the older culture – pubs and clubs, gambling, watching sport, and a kind of exaggerated sexism with irony – but without the sense of duty and responsibility that the role of bread-winner offered and could take pride in. It has felt to me like a faux-identity, transitional, and ultimately a dead end. It reached its apogee in the banks and in the City, and I would hope it was finally losing its thrall.

I have watched the emergence of some brave men’s campaigns against the out-dated prevailing wisdoms of the divorce and family courts that men were second-rate parents, at best an optional extra, and should stick to being providers. They were fighting sexist institutions that appeared to favour individual women, but in the long run trapped them in their role. So these campaigns needed to set a careful tone. Sometimes they suffered from coming across as anti-feminist or even misogynist, when to my mind they were questioning the same structures that we were.

I have seen role models for men in the mainstream change enormously. Men are expected now to attend births, change nappies, and be engaged with children in a way previously unacknowledged or unthinkable. There is more tolerance of men’s emotional expression. Male culture is more open, more inclusive of difference. There’s currently a mini-explosion of ‘men’s work’ on a whole range of issues: suicide; men’s health; gang culture; AIDs among third world men; mentoring and role models for boys; rites of passage for older men; post-natal depression; aging. To grow up as a man in the UK today means hugely different challenges and choices to those we inherited growing up in the fifties.

I feel proud and blessed to have lived this journey; to have played a part in opening up these questions. We have made a start. We have a way to go.

—Picture credit: brian 

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Helping men with eating disorders to beat the silence

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The eating disorders charity Beat is inviting male sufferers to “beat the silence”.

—This is article #97 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Earlier this month the eating disorders charity Beat courted controversy when it launched a campaign video showing a young man vomiting his testicles onto a table in a pub in front of his blokey mates. The video was quickly withdrawn following protests from male sufferers of eating disorders.

The so-called #beatballs campaign was hastily removed and in its place a #beatthesilence campaign has emerged, accompanied by videos giving men with eating disorders a voice, like the video made by a man called Colin, below:

http://youtu.be/DLGd_sDIajk

Ben Golik, executive creative director at Kitcatt Nohr who are behind the campaign said:

“The issue with eating disorders is that most people have been silenced by them. Friends, family and suffers themselves frequently struggle broaching this difficult and complicated issue. We have a responsibility to break this silence. We hope hearing the courageous stories of the men featured in our campaign will help more men to come forward and talk about their problem.”

 

—Picture credit: beat

Find out more at the #beatthesilence website.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Making Men: Creating Rites Of Passage

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Ianto Doyle of Journeyman UK explains the work the charity does with men and boys.

—This is article #95  in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

“There are many things that constrain our lives, that limit us somehow, whether it be a family history, a genetic predisposition, a specific fault, or an omission that wounds us…I call these limits we did not choose, but that we must live with, “fate.” When we face our fate, we find our destiny, which is our soul’s destination in life. That which limits us has within it the seeds of that which can help us transcend our limitations. Through the exact twists of fate we find our own unique soul.”

Michael Meade.

Seven years ago I was initiated as a man at the age of 47. Initiation is an experience, within community, that marks an individual’s transition from one life stage to another, for example adolescence to adulthood or adulthood to elderhood . Initiations often bring up challenges of a psychological, emotional, physical and spiritual nature, as the person steps out of the everyday world into a sacred, loving and safe space, usually in nature. It is characterised by three stages, the separation from everyday life, a relevant ‘ordeal or trial’, and the return transformed to be welcomed back anew.

Everyone who goes through that inner ordeal gets something different from it; I was struck by a few things. I probably heard the word ‘man’ used in a positive light more times that weekend than the rest of my entire life put together. I was overwhelmed by the powerful and compassionate nature of the staff, and felt quite young. I was deeply challenged but safe to go very deep into myself. There were a lot of staff. I mean a lot. Way more than participants and I came away with the deep felt sense that the men had come for me at last! I had been waiting for 30 years for them to show up and show me how to be a man.

I thought I knew myself, I had done a lot of counselling, alternative this and that, I was smart, had thought about stuff, was emotionally literate blahh blahh – the stories I told myself! However I found out more about myself and grew I my ability to be a man more in one weekend than in years. When I returned home I dropped my female relate counsellor and faced into my dysfunctionality with a local men’s group – as never before, and faced into my greatness as never before too. This did not fix my life, it was more like being jump started so I could get to the garage, get some major repairs done and have my life get a bit more functional.

As my children entered the teenage years I got interested in teenagers. When we talk about the trouble with teens, or that we need to do something for our boys like give them a rites of passage, I reckon we are putting the cart before the horse. In Earl Hipps’ book Man Making he talks about how invisible teenage boys are, or if they are seen, it is with suspicion and fear. Have you ever walked by a gang of teenagers and looked at them that way? Earl suggests giving them a nod; then progress to an ‘alright?’. I gave it a go – nothing bad happened. In fact once a teenager was kicking off in a chip shop, so I said ‘alright, what’s happening?. He talked about the shit day he had had, it all calms down and we get our chips. We depart with a ‘laters’; it took 5 minutes. Another time, a rowdy gang at the outdoor pool crashed into my wife whilst playing a ball game very close to where people were lying on the grass. I talked him through how to apologise and make amends after he brushed it off initially and said an empty apology after hurting my wife.

Not that hard is it to show up for the teenagers – or is it?

To read part two of this article see: Initiating the boys and re-claiming our own teenage experiences 

—Picture credit: Hey Danielle

Journeyman UK is a mentoring charity, dedicated to supporting boys aged 13 to 17 to discover their unique potential and apply their gifts in service to themselves, each other and their community at large.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

The state of masculinity (and other things)

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Paul Howell has many years experience of “men’s work”. Here he offers his reflections on, amongst other things, the current state of masculinity.

—This is article #94 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

My friend Glen keeps hassling me for an article for the #100Voices4Men  series. I admire Glen, he’s an intelligent, stubborn and relentless man, leaning into a complex and messy arena, but I sometimes wonder why he bothers. What’s the point of gender politics?

I’m more often confused and frustrated by the lack of genuine debate than I am inspired by what can often seem like the man vs. woman vs. man vs. woman merry-go-round. For me, the term Man refers to someone who has made a sustained effort to carve his values from experience and walks a line somewhere between humility, wisdom and curiosity and has by some miracle, managed to retain enough vitality and a discerning vision to do some lasting good with what’s left.

My contributions to the conversation have been formed at the coal face of what is often referred to as ‘men’s work’, over the past 8 years. I’d like to be reporting back with some good news…unfortunately that seems to be illusive. Regarding the fate of humanity the great illuminator Carl Jung was ‘not optimistic’, neither was Freud. Dr Robert Moore, the grandfather of the men’s movement and a Jungian, who’s life’s work has distilled the core archetypal structures of the masculine psyche / soul (King, Warrior, Lover, Magician) will only say that he is not a despairing man, preferring hope and the hard work of awakening.

My personal journey started running a small men’s group, and moved personally and professionally into working with culture change in classically gender biased organisations, for example, the fire service, the police and engineering companies.

Through time with Moore, reading and listening to untold volumes of Jungian and other depth psychology texts, mythology, my own therapy and parallel explorations, working with abandofbrothers, attending The ManKind Project (MKP) New Warrior Initiation and being part of an MKP men’s group…

I naively attempted to set up the UK version of Boys to Men, which later became JourneymanUK (JMUK). Over 4 years I developed the USA boys to men material and delivered dozens of ‘man’ weekend intensives including the JMUK Rite of Passage Adventure Weekend and its associated mentoring circles for boys and men.

In addition to this my 1:1 client base has been consistently 50% male over 13 years.

The following is a summary of what I have learned so far…

The State of Masculinity 

Masculinity is adrift – rudderless and largely impotent in the face of manic passivity and denial. It has taken a blow to the solar plexus and is struggling to raise a meaningful heart felt and coherent response to the critical nature of our shared global ills. Stuck in a narcissistic trance, masculinity is spiralling down; cut away from its capacity for empathy, it’s failing to counter endemic political corruption and the daylight robbery (a phrase derived from 1690 and Tyrant King William III who taxed people based on the number of windows in their house) of true democracy which has long ago taken place.

The fatal blow to masculinity came through chronic shame, developmental and acute traumas accumulated over generations of war and the daily struggle to survive.  Beginning with the industrial revolution; we have been plotting our demise with great fervour ever since. Comfortably numb, we have simply lost touch of what is not just of utmost importance but now also urgent; our human connection to each other and our utter dependence on each other and the earth.

Masculinity, with a capital ‘M’ was dethroned; usurped, most recently by the shadow magicians of the corporate world and their shareholders who deny filling the trough with ungracious entitlements whilst systematically brainwashing future generations with the empty and destructive values of capitalism.

By replacing Justice with mere law and any kind of generative Realm with mere organisational and institutional power, we are deconstructing the psychosocial frameworks on which humanity depends.

On the side lines, religious fundamentalism opposes new age spirituality and somewhere in the distance the good earth faces the imminent catastrophic and systemic collapse of its (our) ecosystem; a fact we seem happy to remain ignorant of.

If mature masculinity is supposed to enable men to be stewards, protectors and servant leaders of noble communities and creative cultures we seem to have lost our way somewhere.

And this is nothing but a commentary on humans: all humans! We are all culpable, however, if denial is what you’re after – good news! The number of dissociative and numbing distractions are growing in direct proportion to the size of the problems we face. That’s how denial functions – until it doesn’t. When denial (the secrets we don’t know we are keeping through the active suppression of the facts by parts of the psyche that would rather not know or may indeed not be capable of dealing with the truth ) is illuminated, it presents as a crisis.

To read part two of this article see: Gender Roles – the primary task 

—Picture credit: Perspective 

Paul Howell offers personal coaching and counselling, training and facilitation, and workshops for men at Clarity Coaching.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

How The 100 Black Men of London are fighting negative stereotypes about black men and fathers

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The prevailing stereotype of black men is that they may be great sportsmen or dancers, but they do not live up to their responsibilities as men and fathers.

The 100 Black Men of London is a community-based charity, which counters that negative stereotype by working on the frontline within the community, delivering programmes in on four key areas – Mentoring, Health and Wellbeing, Economic Empowerment and Education – all underpinned by a focus on Leadership.

— This is article #93 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Why does the 100 Black Men of London focus on those key areas? The headline statistics speak for themselves:

Economic Empowerment: the UK’s first Wealth and Assets Survey in 2009 reported that the net asset value of the average white household was £221,000, compared to £76,000 for Black Caribbean and £15,000 for Black African households.

Health and Wellbeing: Prostate Cancer UK report that Black men are more 3 times likely to get prostate cancer than men of other ethnic backgrounds and 1 in 4 Black men in the UK will get prostate cancer at some point in their lives.

Education: Joseph Rowntree organisation’s report reveals that Black and dual-heritage children and young people and those living in poverty are three times more likely to be permanently excluded from school than other groups.

Mentoring Prison Reform Trust research shows that out of the British national prison population, 11% are black, significantly higher than the 2.8% of the general population they represent.

It is because of the impact of these and other shocking statistics that the members of the 100 Black Men of London have decided to step up and play their part in the solution to these problems.

Direct impact

They define leadership as “the capacity and utilization of exceptional personal values to empower others and build a community to achieve a great legacy”, and through the commitment and passion of their members. These black men give not just money but their time in service to their community, determined to help build a legacy of success and leadership through the young people they mentor.

Through their programmes like Community Mentoring, Education through Film, Black Heroes Walk, Schools programme and Book Club, the 100 Black Men of London has directly impacted the lives of several thousand boys, girls and parents over the past 13 years.

For example, the Community Mentoring Programme is a free and accredited programme delivered  as a fortnightly Saturday school  for youths aged 10 upwards, covering a variety of critical life-skills like self-esteem, effective expression, succeeding at school, use and abuse of social media, money management, peer pressure, healthy relationships, goal setting, drugs and substance abuse, black history, business and financial literacy, leadership, team building, peer mentoring and many more.

‘Real Men Giving Real Time’

The accompanying Parents Programme acts as a community discussion forum, mirroring the topics covered by their children, allowing parents to share knowledge and experience about how to take charge of the upbringing of their children.

The highlight of the year for the 100 Black Men of London is their Community Mentoring Programme Graduation Ceremony, which is always a sell out.

This July over 200 friends, family and supporters packed the Lecture Theatre of  the West Green Learning Centre to see the ‘Diamonds’ as the 100 call their mentees, graduate to the next level of the 5 year programme.  Each Diamond and Parent stands noticeably taller and prouder on this wonderful day.

The motto of the 100 Black Men of London is ‘Real Men Giving Real Time’. Through its example and leadership, the organisation aims to dispel the clichés and stereotypes about black men and demonstrate to the community and the world that black men can, do and will stand up and contribute to the success of their community.

By Kolarele Sonaike, President, 100 Black Men of London

To find out more about the work of The 100 Black Men of London visit their website here and follow them on Twitter @100BMOL

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

 

Anatomy of a Deadbeat Dad part one

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Paul Nelson reveals how he became a “deadbeat dad”.

—This is article #92 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Make no mistake. Domestic Violence (DV) legislation and mechanisms designed to protect victims work well. The law and all those that work inside it, its custodians and enforcers, do their jobs pretty well. Some tick boxes to ensure process is followed, others dogmatically pursue this cause celebre with religious fervour. They are there to protect the weak, and they will do that job to the best of their ability, and then some.

2009:

I know what they are thinking. It’s not hard, just one look at their faces. I sense their disgust and its hard to look them in the eye. I know how they view me. The female DV specialist police officer pushes me into an interview room and demonstrates that I have no patriarchal advantage here; right now right here in this moment, she shows me who has the power.

24hrs Earlier; the police arrive and I am sat in the kitchen. A female police officer walks upstairs to speak to my wife. I can hear her break into painful wails of relief as her armed protector arrives. I sit silently downstairs, stunned by what had just taken place. Trying to make sense of it all. I recall the next hour as if it were a slow motion movie. A silent movie with the players each speaking, their lips moving but I hear no sound. And then my head breaks the surface and the sound rushes back in. The male police officers take me to their car. I’m there at the station and I’m now being interviewed.

No, I don’t want a solicitor. I don’t think I’ve done anything all that wrong. At least I don’t think I have? Where’s my wife?

She been taken somewhere safe and the children are with her.

Can I see the children?

No, thats not going to happen. You need to talk to us first and then we’ll decide what happens from here. We strongly advise you to get a solicitor.

Are they nuts, why would I want or need a solicitor?

This is all a misunderstanding. My wife and I love each other. This will all blow over. You’ll see. Its happened before but it never went this far. Can you have a word with her for me and ask her if we can sort this out.

Not this time, its gone too far. She doesn’t want to hear from me and is, I find later, receiving assistance from a free solicitor specialising in domestic violence funded by a women’s group.

I am not arrested or charged, I came to the station willingly. As soon as I am released I make it as far as the next corner and throw up into an alley way. I’ve never been interviewed before, certainly not like this and it’s taken 3 hrs. I’ve been interrogated and its a first for me. I’m just not used to it. The shock and fear prompts retching on an empty stomach. I’m struggling to breath and it hurts. There are others on the street but they seem scared of me. I notice the spatters of blood down my shirt and realise I look a mess. I catch my breath and the dizziness subsides. Its cold and I need to go home. To our now silent and empty home. I don’t know where my wife and children are.

Another day, another interview and then the call. Mr Nelson? Yes. I am a court bailiff. I am informing you that you have been issued a Non Molestation Order and must not go back to or approach the matrimonial home, and you must not make contact of any kind with your wife and children. Do you understand? I say yes but I do not, not really. This type of thing doesn’t happen to me. Its others you hear about. Not me, not us.

Shock is a word few understand until they have experienced it.

My perfect world has come to an abrupt end and I have not been given the letter of notice to allow me to prepare. I have nowhere to turn. ‘Our’ friends no longer return my calls. I realise she’s told them. I feel humiliated and scared of peoples reaction. One neighbour rescues me, he doesn’t ask too many questions and sees I am not built to deal with this challenge. He offers me a sofa for the night. I couldn’t sleep so I needn’t have bothered. This then becomes my new living arrangement. I move from sofa to sofa, and later into the back of a van that a friend lends to me. Pretty tough for a guy that is otherwise used to the luxuries afforded by a high level career in the city. I’m able to collect my things when she is out of the house. The police officer helps throw my designer suits into a black bin liner. They are crumpled and a perfect metaphor for my new existence.

2010 – 2012:

My ban seeing the children is now established and permanent. Contact orders were ignored by my wife and there’s no way to enforce them; not in the real world. Only on BBC news items that like to promote how good our family law system is. It always makes angry when I see these because it is propaganda, but I suspect some of these journo’s actually believe it. They would not if they walked a mile in my shoes.

Our home is gone, sold. The proceeds in their entirety passed to my wife. My elderly father who is in care has his life savings removed and passed to my wife. Its complex to explain but my wifes lawyers work their magic and I am unable to afford representation on an ongoing basis. I endure my punishment and that of an innocent man in his 80’s because a family court judge says this is what fair looks like.

I can’t face walking past our old home because of what it represents. Its easier to go somewhere different to hide from the shame and the pain of it all. The haunting voices of my children taunt me if I dare pass by our old home. So I don’t but I’ve tried a few times. This is where my last child came back to from the maternity ward, where she ran and played with her bigger sisters in the garden. My abiding memory, the exquisite sound of their squealing and giggling. Three girls. Ages 4 to 13.

All is silent and empty now.

I have lost my job. The stress of the break up, the psychological and financial strain of family court. The rumours of my crimes make it worse. I desperately want to see my daughters. My repeated attempts to do so always fail, if not through judicial indifference then to a mother who flatly refuses to abide by the court order.  People in my work and across my industry hear the story. The shame is complete. A do gooder has anonymously called around and kicked off the rumour mill, the word spreads like an uncontrollable fire. People view me differently when they see me as a bad man, a beater and molester of wife and children. Worse things too but I can’t bring myself to share them here. They are truly appalling to think let alone share. We don’t like or need your type around here is the new order of the day.

I can’t afford a car anymore, my clothes wear and I unable to replace them. How do you go from successful city man to virtual tramp in just 2-3 years? Sometimes, on a good day I even laugh at my own miserable transformation. Friends in and around my stockbroker village mostly turn their backs on me and the calls and texts are rarely returned. A few nervously befriend me but ensure it’s not too well known. I am a pariah. No one wants to be associated with my kind of man. I’m introduced to the term deadbeat dad – I am the man David Cameron Prime Minister spoke of on Fathers day 2011. Some have the balls to say it to my face; usually women who see it as their job to stand up for other women. I don’t know what to say to them; they’ve already judged me and usually their decision is final. There’s more to our story I want to say to them, equally there’s more story than time and their interest allows. They know me better than I know myself.

Humans are hardy creatures and I become accustomed to the occasional aggression thrown my way; oddly, I find myself admiring their conviction, their morals and stand. But it hurts. It helps to conclude that I must deserve this existence for my crime, that even my dying father deserves to be striped of all he has as a final punishment and ‘deathblow’ to me.

I reach a particularly low point and upon hearing an idea from a friend, I stop eating. A self imposed punishment with no clear aim or reason. Eleven days in and I’m 9.5 kilos lighter. I start eating again. It would have been quite easy to not do so. I think I made the right decision.

To continue reading Paul’s story see: Anatomy of a Deadbeat Dad part two 

— Picture credit: PinkMoose

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

How men show love

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Are there gender differences in the ways men and women show love? Mark Walsh and Francis Briers say there are and demonstrate some of the differences in this entertaining video.

—This is article #91 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

—Picture credit: MattysFlicks

You can find out more about the work of Mark Walsh and Francis Briers at the Integration Training website.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Men are good together

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I’m rehearsing Deep Diving Men pop-up theatre event for International Men’s Day. The theme this year is ‘working together’.

There’s a short script and we’re playing with an image of men running – of movement. Yesterday’s rehearsal was hilarious. Five men getting together, unknown to each other, all facing a deep uncertainty about performing – and we had a great time.

— This is article #90 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

At school, my first memories of break-time were of a battleground, a jungle of wild lawlessness and personal insecurity.  Perhaps we were either bullied or were the bullies – I’ll always remember that aggressive energy seeping up through the concrete. I felt very, very alone then. Women, rather than the male elders we longed for, shuffled us into lines – and the boys were always slower than the girls. Our line generally took longer to form, and it was messier.

What was your experience?

A few years ago I would NEVER have gone to any evening social event where there weren’t women. What’s the point? – No women?

I learnt something important from a man a few years ago – “Duncan” he said. “You’re needy – take that to the men.” Now, I no longer dump everything, all my thoughts and pent-up feelings, at the feet of my partner, girlfriend, wife, sister, mother… She no longer has to carry all that. Women really have been carrying enough.

Beneath the surface of my cultural mask of masculinity – which teaches me to compete against, to distrust, and to see other men as threats – lies a man looking for his brother. Of course I still feel it, at times, my resistance to stepping up and affirming another man.

‘My brother’s got my back’

I still resent his ‘success’. It takes me a long time to trust him. And why trust him when I can make my own stand against the world? Isn’t it all about what’s in it for me? Or is it about my service to others?

Am I really that important?

Are you?

We men are playful, natural creatures of movement and direction and we have a great sense of humour. We like being together but we find it difficult to say that, and we love the commonality of grounded laughter at something we don’t even need to say. I love the ease we men have.

Alone, we perpetuate a mask of masculinity that encourages an outmoded idea – that vulnerability is something feminine, or weak; yet together we dance the surface of a deep, often unspoken, trust – that my brother has got my back, that these other men are actually on my team.

I’m moved by the courage that these men are showing, the trust they have in me, and am excited by how we can make things happen when we step forward and get together.

We don’t need to do it on our own.

Duncan Alldridge runs the Deep Diving Men theatre project which offers men and boys the opportunity to physically explore a sense of their masculinity and place on the male path.

To find out more about Deep Diving Men’s theatre pop-ups that will be taking place around London Waterloo on International Men’s Day, see the Deep Diving Men website and follow them on Twitter @deepdivingmen

– Picture credit:Deep Diving Men

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com.