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A thank you letter to mothers who fight for 50:50 post-separation parenting

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One of insideMAN’s readers recently got in touch to tell us how he worked with a mother whose commitment to 50:50 post-separation parenting with her former husband was both moving and inspiring. So much so in fact, that he decided to write her an imaginary letter, setting down how much he admired her dignity and conscientiousness in standing against the formal systems and informal pressures that in his experience invite and expect mothers to act very differently. Here it is.

Dear Linda,

First, I’m truly sorry for your children in the situation they find themselves. And I’m truly sorry for both of you as parents and as human beings. No matter how right in conscience the decision to separate, the path ahead is never easy.

That’s why I respect and admire you both for making the commitment to sharing equally the parenting of your children – genuinely putting them first.

In some other countries in Europe you would not have had a decision to make. Where 50:50 shared parenting is the default position the parents can go on to discuss the finer details that suit not only their children at their age and stage of development but also allow both parents to continue the careers that give them their self-respect and financial stability.

That approach makes sense. The children who probably didn’t really want their parents to separate in the first place are spared the distress of finding themselves the prize in a tug of war.

Wealth of research

It isn’t like that in the UK. Here, Linda, you had to opt in to doing the right thing and I admire you for doing it. That’s why this letter is addressed principally to you.

Of course many parents like you and your husband do behave well even while they work through the traumas of separation. There is a wealth of research that confirms that in general children whose parents live apart, but are both equally and fully involved in their child’s lives and have equal public recognition, do better in measures of educational attainment and personal well-being than children who live primarily or exclusively with one parent.

A recent study in Denmark and Sweden showed that shared parenting is not only better for the children but also for BOTH parents.

Only last month the Ministry of Justice published a large scale “Analysis of the Millennium Cohort Study, exploring child outcomes after parental separation” which found similar patterns of experience for children in the UK.

‘Unhelpful disincentives and perverse incentives’

But despite such positive evidence the default position in the UK remains that when parents separate that one – usually the mother – will become regarded as the principal carer and the other – usually the father – will be secondary. The terminology has changed over the years but the reality has remained the same.

There are unhelpful disincentives within the UK to genuine shared parenting and perverse incentives for separated parents to compete for time with their own kids.

The disincentive is that the Department for Work and Pensions and HM Revenue & Customs want there to be one main parent who will get the child benefit and the child tax credit and child support. It can cost one parent and probably both hard cash to share parenting.

The incentive is the moral zero-sum game that sucks in parents if they can’t agree on sharing time with the children they both love. They are invited by the law as it stands to disparage each other’s character and parenting capacity in the name of the children’s best interests. Children’s best interests are rarely served by encouraging their parents, already usually hurting and often angry at their estrangement, to deride each other further.

‘Not a level playing field for dads’

It’s not a level playing field. I spend a great deal of time helping non-resident fathers cope with discovering that they now have to prove their worth as human beings to continue to do the things with their children that were regarded as normal parenting without a second thought up to the date of separation.

They are shocked and diminished as individuals when their legal advisers tell them not to ask for too much time with their kids in case a judge decides they are being confrontational or impractical or ideological. They’ll be told – accurately – that some judges here have a visceral dislike of even the phrase “shared parenting”.

Even as weekend dads (with maybe a midweek meeting with their kids) they will have to explain themselves over and again to their children’s school or GP and brave the isolation of the school gate mothers’ meeting. They hear politicians who should and do know better talking about “lone mothers” and “absent fathers” when they are doing their damndest to be as present as possible. I am lost in admiration at the effort so many make and the humiliations so many swallow just to stay in their kids’ life.

And that, Linda, is why I admire you for what you are doing. I know it is not easy for you.
Sharing the parenting equally will be good for the kids in the long term but hurts like hell for the parents. Like so many non-resident parents, I have no doubt you also feel the sense of bereavement when you hand your kids over for their time with their father while you return to your home still ringing with the echo of their voices, picking up their bits and pieces that have to be put away til next time. He will feel the same when it’s their time with you.

And, like your husband, when they are with you will overthink the things you do with them that previously didn’t require thought at all. They came naturally.

You will wonder if you are doing the right thing and whether the hurt is worth it. Please believe me, Linda, you are and it is.

Why UKIP is backing 50:50 shared parenting for separated dads

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UKIP gave its backing to 50-50 shared parenting for parents who separate, at its party conference in September, a move that has proved popular with many fathers’ rights campaigners. We asked the party’s Deputy Chair, Suzanne Evans, to share her personal reasons for supporting fathers’ rights.

—This is article #32 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys

Why is UKIP putting a commitment to 50-50 shared parenting in its Manifesto for the 2015 General Election? Because, quite simply, it is the right thing to do.

It is also long overdue. Do we live in a society where – in principle at least – there is gender equality, or not? Do we live in a society where fathers are increasingly being encouraged to take a more active role in children’s lives, by taking paternity leave and so on, or not? Of course we do, so why the status quo on this key issue should currently be so inadequate is beyond me.

I first encountered the problem of fathers being excluded from their children’s lives over ten years ago when I was dating a lovely man who had a daughter he had not seen since her mother had started a new relationship. He would show up to collect his daughter as per their agreement, but no one would be at home.

Mum’s new partner was less than friendly; he went to quite extraordinary and frightening lengths to put pressure on him not to see his little girl for no other reason than he and mum would find it inconvenient.

My father died when I was six

Even when he was diagnosed with cancer, his ex-wife still refused to let him see his daughter. The court process was utterly useless, not to put to fine a point on it, and he died having not seen his own child for some three years. Attending his funeral was bad enough; under these circumstances it was utterly heartbreaking.

My own father died when I was six. While my mother was brilliant – everything a good mum should be – it was tough growing up without a dad and in a family where life had suddenly been turned upside down.

While I’d be the last person to suggest warring couples should stay together ‘for the sake of the children,’ as I think that too can do horrendous psychological damage to young minds, it seems to me common sense that in most cases children will benefit from having two parents in their lives.

http://youtu.be/aNH5wH_J_F0

Everyone benefits when dad’s involved 

Parenting is a tough job at the best of times, even when two people share responsibilities. As a single mum myself, I know it can sometimes be overwhelming doing it on your own.

Frankly, not only do children benefit from having two responsible, loving parents, the parents’ will benefit from continuing to support each other through shared parenting after divorce or separation too.

Of course there will always be fathers and mothers who for very good child protection reasons should not have unfettered access to their children, and UKIP’s position should not be seen as watering this down at all.

A child’s welfare must always come first and we would certainly not shy away from depriving any parent proven to be abusive or a danger to children of their rights.

Grandparents need better rights too

Our policy is purely to address the imbalance in current parenting arrangements; to make sure good fathers are treated equally by the system; and to back up parents refused access to their children by former partners for no good reason.

A UKIP government will also give grandparents visiting rights. They too have built up often very strong and loving relationships with their grandchildren and to be suddenly cut out of their lives does neither them or the children any good.

We know we can’t stop families breaking up, and we know we can’t force all parents to take their responsibilities seriously after relationships break down, but at the very least we can stop penalising those who want to do their right thing by their children.

 —Picture credit: Flickr/David Precious

To find out more about UKIP’s support of 50:50 shared parenting see Suzanne Evans speech to the party’s Doncaster conference “a safety net not a hammock“.

insideMAN does not support a political party and we are happy to receive articles about men, masculinity and manhood from writers of all political political parties 

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

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