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How I went from a mid-twenties crisis to working as a men’s coach

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Whenever I tell my story of how I became a men’s coach it always begins with the words, “…well it began when I had my mid-twenties crisis…” and then I move swiftly on.

But recently a friend asked me “Clive, what exactly is a mid-twenties crisis?” As I shared my story, I reconnected with feelings from back then and realised how they’d shaped me today. Since relaying my story I’ve felt a strong desire to share it more widely and help support others who may be experiencing something similar in their lives. For me it was a very confusing and depressing part of my life. So here goes.

By 25 I felt like I’d ticked all the boxes – I was cruising through life, unconsciously striding British society’s well-lit path. I’d exceeded expectations at school, swanned through sixth form and loved my university days – all I needed was a job that paid a half-decent wage and I’d just landed it! It really was as simple as that.

However, once the initial excitement of my employment and a pay cheque or two wore off, I began to feel that something wasn’t right. “It was something that would pass,” I told myself. I had everything a mid-twenties young professional could desire right?  As the months passed, my feeling of uncertainty didn’t. On the rare occasion that I was on my own alone (I didn’t like being alone!), these thoughts of frustration would appear. Relentless voices in my head saying “you’re not fulfilled, something isn’t right”.

‘My world was turned upside down’

On reflection, perhaps I didn’t give these voices any space to be heard. Old “survival” habits I’d carried over from university were seeing to that – dance floors, a heavy social drinking habit, and a sports watching obsession. Distractions enough to keep those voices down and out of the way, safely in the depths of my shadows. Little did I know the gold that lay beneath.

Things suddenly shifted. In a matter of weeks I broke up with my girlfriend, moved out from home and received news my younger sister was to be facing life-threatening cancer. My world was turned upside down. I’d been confronted with the realities of life, of the mortality that is our human experience. I’d no longer ever take tomorrow for granted.

Spending more time alone in self-reflection, my inner voices where finally heard. As the truth surfaced from the darkness I could see I wasn’t getting quality or fulfilment at the deepest levels of my life. I didn’t have my “Why?”

Confusion naturally followed. On one hand, I had all I’d thought I’d ever wanted, though here now, I realised that was all on the surface and underneath I was in the opposite state, I was lost! I craved change, I was hungry for inner exploration and external action to understand what was happening to me so I could get clear on where the hell I was going – and why.

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Being an analyst by trade I was going to start collecting data for a very personal piece of work, my own self-diagnosis. To begin I set up a folder on my laptop called the “life project”.

The internal work would be done in the external form of Journaling. This was the qualitative data set I would utilise to review, analyse and identify patterns. Incorporating structure I would self-stage regular monthly reviews, then in time full year reviews. Within these sessions I’d list key successes, note patterns (e.g. an inability to say “no”, leading to tiredness) and areas I wished to change/improve.

I studied goal setting. Setting myself regular goals, underpinned by self-accountability to weekly and daily tasks. This process generated quantitive data which when coupled with the qualitative  results from my journal gave me a rich picture of where I stood and where I was consciously heading. Working holistically, inside and out, I slowly began to unpack and rebuild my life, making changes for a new version of myself, connected with who I was at the core and who I wanted to become.

My “life project” had identified a desire to teach and with focus I realised a secondment working as a youth team leader, supporting 16 to 24-year-olds for The Prince’s Trust charity. The charity supports young adults to re-engage in either full time employment or eduction. Completing this work uncovered a natural aptitude for coaching and motivating groups in a classroom environment. Another identified desire was a deep need to travel, which with hard graft and a goal mindset, became a dream come true – backpacking around the world for a year.

‘Don’t drown the pain or ignore the questions’

On my return from my global adventures, I realised I needed the support of other men and found it in the form of Kenny Mammarella D’Cruz’s MenSpeak men’s groups. This inspired me to continue my work with groups incorporating coaching – this time with men in the form of the growing meetup that is the Men’s Action Project (The MAP). Today I have my challenges, but I am fulfilled. I’ve found my “why” in the form of coaching men to “walk their talk” as piece-by-piece I build my practice.

For anyone who may be experiencing this time in life, my advice is don’t drown out the pain or ignore the questions. Keep asking, keep testing and maybe start a “life project” of your own. For a long period I chose to go it alone, but in hindsight engagement with others at an earlier stage would have helped me to realise what was happening within me and make some required changes sooner.

If you need to take action, join us at the Men’s Action Project (The MAP) to start “walking your talk” with like-minded others. For a safe place to talk, groups such as Kenny’s enlightening MenSpeak groups are well worth a try.

My mid-twenties crisis was a challenging, confusing and very lonely time in my life. I now consider it my great teacher, a gift in terms of giving me insight into my purpose, passions and personal potential. Next step – live from my “Why” and become the best coach I can possibly be.

By Clive Maxheath

Clive is the leader of a group coaching initiative called the Men’s Action Project (The MAP).

To find out more visit the MAP website, find MAP on Facebook or follow him on twitter @CliveMaxheath to find out more about the service he provides.

One man’s story of taking up boxing at the age of 32

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On the eve of the Mayweather v Pacquiao fight, Clive Maxheath shares his own experience of stepping into a boxing ring for the first time.

 

 

Three minutes before the fight my dad entered the locker room. In one look we knew why I was there. Boxing was a seed planted decades earlier. This moment of reflective relief was broken by a scream from the arena. Fight night, under the arches and this evening I wasn’t a fan in the crowd…I was the Main Event!

Aged nine I remember with joy the era of Eubank, Benn, Tyson & Bruno. Watching ITV Saturday night prime time with dad was very special. Boxing was for me then and still is now, pure escapism. Frank Bruno once described boxing as show business with blood, the weigh in, the ring entrances, the lights – he wasn’t wrong. I was totally hooked and I wasn’t just an observer either. Like many a British boy I had a football goal in the back garden, but I had something else too, in the shadows, inside the shed walls, was a full length punch bag.

Fast forward twenty three years, aged thirty two my journey to the ring formally began. My sporting career up until then was far from glamorous, but certainly varied, a melting pot of amateur football, racket sports & the occasional round of golf.

Fit to punch

For all the joy, treasured memories and friendships these endeavours brought – they’d also brought a knee injury requiring keyhole surgery. Sprinting around the pitch wasn’t such a wise idea now, it was time for the shin pads to go away and the gloves to go on, to go back to the punch bag of my childhood. Back to Boxing.

The first hurdle was the pure logistics of the training; I started at a local gym but with limited boxing classes on offer I soon realised I needed flexibility in terms of access. Once I found a dedicated boxing gym, persistent corrections from the coach showed me that my technique of jumping around throwing wild punches (although fun and weirdly therapeutic) wasn’t going to work. Fitness was another issue, I considered myself a generally sporty chap who’d be okay, however after two minutes of a fitness class I nearly threw up a lung! In boxing a superhuman level of fitness is not the chequered flag – it’s the baseline for getting in the ring.

In these early experiences when I walked into the gym I experienced a strong sense of fear. Many times i’d run from this emotion, however with experience I now know it may be worth a minutes pause and some exploration. I spent some time alone reflecting and knew that my fear was connected with the impending journey. The fear was complicated, there were a number of facets both mentally and physically; fear of the training, fear of the fight, fear of telling people and them maybe watching me fight. The fears were present but my desire to overcome was stronger, one gym session after another, I started walking the walk.

My first sparring match

Slowly learning the basics and increasing my training over nine months I was confronted with my biggest fear so far; the infamous sparring class. Now for those less knowledgable on boxing training, this is the class where you put on a head guard and gum shield and test yourself in a semi-competitive environment. My boxing trainer says ‘You can hit pads and bags all day long, but they don’t hit back. Sparring is where you’ll really learn the game.’

Man! The nerves I felt that evening walking into the gym. The trainer called my name as if I were being selected for some kind of strange sacrifice. I tapped gloves with my opponent and away we went. It was all a blur – but I remember being amazed at how quickly I was out of breath. Being in an extreme situation (someone trying to pound me into the ground) my brain had executed an adrenaline charged survival program. All my senses were heightened, I was fully alert and burning energy fast. It was incredibly exciting, however after about thirty seconds I felt like I’d been sprint training with Usain Bolt.

No pain, no gain!

I’d completed the class & it felt amazing, i had survived. That’s the deal with fear – there is little else better in life than confronting it and coming out the other side. Sparring had taught me two important lessons. The first was the requirement to maintain a level of calm in the fury. I’d gotten too easily caught up in the adrenaline of the moment and as result some of the fundamental boxing skills i’d learnt previously were forgotten. The second was getting used to being hit. With the choice of freeze, fight or flight my natural instinct was the latter! But by trying to ‘avoid’, being hurt I was instead retreating, taking more hits than ever. My coach explained that at certain stages of a fight I would have to take a punch or two in order to get in range and connect with my own shots. I was over another hurdle but there was work to be done. Only more sparring experience and time in the ring would allow me to improve.

In the ensuing months, after taking a lot of punishment and dishing out a little of my own, I was ready to face my next test. I remember well the apprehension I felt approaching the gym front desk and shakily saying those words ‘ Do you have any fight events open later this year? ‘ During this moment I remember passing through a kind of out of body experience. Logic had left me as I smiled, nodded and signed the paperwork. In just a few months time I would be going for three-two minute rounds with someone who was going to try and knock my head off in front of an audience of my closest friends and family, Nice! Only when I was walking away from the gym and I re-entered my body did my logical self suddenly interject and say ‘F*** Clive – what have you done?!’ What I now know looking back was that in this moment I’d won fifty percent of the battle – I’d committed and said ‘I’m in.’

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

An internal fear had been overcome and my reward came the following week in the form of trainer Martin Dimitrov. Martin had seen my commitment and offered to help train me. Martin was a highly respected trainer and previously a Bulgarian champion. A disciplined character renowned within the gym for his brutal gym classes and top level results. I’d always respected his approach but now in his small brood of fellow fighters I was going to be pushed to my limits. No pain…no gain. In preparation the intensity increased ten fold – immediately I moved from the one sparring class a week to three. I was given a strict running program to build my stamina and both before and after sparring were put through intense drills and bag/pad work.

I was improving but on my boxing fast track I took some hits, in one sparring session I was on the ropes and took a solid right over the top and my nose was busted open – blood spilling onto the canvas. I had a black eye for a while too, this I discovered, is the best ways you can promote a boxing match to friends and family. It didn’t feel like it at the time but looking back I was learning the sport the best way you can, the hard way!

Training with a small group of fellow fighters accelerated my learning, we kept each other motivated, supporting one another through some tough days in the gym. Pummelling each other during intense sparring battles in the ring one moment, sharing stories and a jokes outside the next. Both Martin and one of the other fighters in our group named Genadi were to stand in my corner on the night of the fight. Knowing they were going to be there gave me a certain confidence and inner strength, the bonding between a close knit group of people, with a similar aim has the undoubted power to do that. A week prior to the fight I completed a final full blooded training session. In this class Martin pushed me to my absolute limit as after one final round of gym sprints I collapsed on the floor panting, covered in sweat. I was ready!

Getting ready for my first big fight

In the days building up to the fight I felt naturally nervous, but confident in the work I’d done in the gym. The training had left me tired at times, but feeling fit, clear and confident. I even walked differently, an improved grounded version of myself.

On the morning of the fight I awoke to confront a fresh and final fear. A fatalistic fear that knew something serious was round the corner. I did my best to keep busy, I must have repacked my bag four times. Moving through the day I began to mentally prepare for the evening ahead, psyching myself up. By the time I got to the gym itself I was ready to get in and go. One small problem, I was last on the bill! There were to be a few more torturous hours ahead before I could claim my prize. In those hours many emotions ran through my body. I sat quietly, I paced up and down – minute by minute my brain flicking between nervousness, calm, confidence and fear.

And the winner is….

Pair by pair others walked the path before me – points or a knockout, victory or defeat. Until only two remained. Now we’re back where I started, three minutes before the fight, in the locker room – me and dad. I knew why I was here now, understood the history and how it had come to this. These gloves, this arena, the final chapter. Martin stuck his head around the door and said “Clive…..it’s time”.

I stood and Martin lead me to the corner of the locker room. He raised his pads and I began to warm up throwing combinations 1,2,3,4….1,2,3,4. I built up a rhythm over the next three to four minutes, focusing me completely on the present. Any remaining thoughts concerning the past or future melted away.

We paused, I turned and there he was, my opponent, our eyes locked for a second and just like that he went through the curtain and was gone. A few more seconds and I was ushered across the room to stand in front of the same red curtain. The sound being generated by a crowd was near deafening as the announcer called my name. My music played, I was so close, no turning back now! Brushing the curtain aside I stepped forward into a sea of noise and flashing lights! Moving under the ropes into the ring for a very brief moment I smiled to myself, i’d made it. Deep down inside I knew whatever happened over the next eight minutes…my boxing rites of passage was complete.

—Photo: flickr/familymwr

So! What happened next I hear you ask? No more written word, instead email me at clive.maxheath@gmail.com and I will provide you with exclusive access to a website and a video of the fight itself.

Interested in boxing training? Amateur Boxing Coach Martin Dimitrov is the man to speak to. You can either e-mail him at j_juga6vili@yahoo.com or contact him on 07943 578490 to discuss training options and maybe even start your own boxing rite of passage.

Want to become a Man who Walks his Talk? Clive Maxheath is the leader of a group coaching initiative called the Men’s Action Project (The MAP). To find out more visit the MAP website, find MAP on Facebook or follow him on twitter @CliveMaxheath to find out more about the service he provides.

Even James Bond needs men’s groups

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I lead a men’s group in London called the Men’s Action Project (MAP). It’s all about helping the men who are part of the group to achieve their goals.

From releasing a first album, getting a job promotion and launching a business to mastering cookery, passing a driving tests and learning new martial arts skills; the men who come to MAP are walking the walk. But it wasn’t always like this.

-This is article #64 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

My early years of adulthood weren’t great, but by applying various personal development techniques I’d learnt from books, I lifted myself out of my mid-twenties crisis. Back then I was a personal development version of James Bond, doing what men are supposed to do – going it alone! With my new powers and focus I could manifest anything I wanted. In search of goal achievement glory I ran a marathon, nailed promotion and travelled around the world for a year.

Then something shifted…

When I returned however something was very different. The post-travel blues set in as I felt myself being sucked into a very different type of crisis. Setting goals and taking action still brought results but something was missing. I tried explaining to my parents and friends that I was facing some challenges. But who wanted to hear from a man who was struggling because, he wasn’t (after a whole year) travelling around the world anymore!

Then something shifted. I was listening to a podcast called ‘The New Man’ and the host Tripp Lanier was talking about men’s groups. I was inspired. The moment I took my ear plugs out I knew I’d found my next step. The next chapter in my growth was not something I could do on my own. It was time for even Bond to admit, he needed help from others. I immediately began my search and through the internet found Kenny D’Cruz’s men’s group – Menspeak. I liked the sound of what he was offering and without hesitation signed up to a meeting later that month.

After just one meeting I knew I had found the place where I was finally going to get some answers. To share my feelings and be properly listened to felt fantastic and the experience of getting authentic feedback invaluable. Feedback devoid of conditional, pre-defined projections of who I was, was worth it’s worth in gold. It was refreshing to hear I wasn’t the only one who struggled. It turns out even Jaws and Goldfinger feel insecure and get angry with themselves sometimes too. Sharing experiences with other men gave me a deeper understanding of where in my psychology current challenges were coming from. By sharing them in this way, I felt clear and able to move on.

‘Missions and Goals’

It was when Kenny mentioned Missions and Goals at a meeting I realised the next stage of my quest. With my personal development knowledge there was a place in the men’s group arena for a new type of group. Kenny’s groups were about self-awareness and being, whereby my group was to provide a complimentary focus on the doing side with support, group accountability and a plan. After undertaking research at Glen Poole’s excellent National Conference for Men & Boys (and with Kenny’s valued support) I established the Men’s Action Project (The MAP) in Feb 2012.

Every month of facilitation was a learning curve as we moved through the process and I was amazed at the successes and life changes gained. On completion of my first six-monthly MAP process, participants celebrated their results including; a job promotion, smoking kicked to the curb and a weight loss/fitness goal knocked out of the park.

Over the past three years I ran another two processes with similar successes. To increase accessibility to the service this year I’m delivering an open meeting every fortnight . These meetings are called ‘Stepping Up’ and as the name suggests the supported MAPmen continue to do just that.

Now I’m not just going it alone. In my men’s groups I have a team of like-minded individuals to regularly discusses both internal and external challenges with. I’ve had my ups and downs, but day by day I am succeeding and learning with the support of others. I have become a far more confident, successful and ultimately happier operative than ever before.

It turns out even James Bond needs Men’s Groups after all.

To discover more about Clive Maxheath and the Men’s Action Project, visit their website here and the MAP Facebook page here. Follow Clive on Twitter @clivemaxheath

Photo: Flickr/Michael Pollack

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com.