insideMAN

The insideman book launch debate: ‘A conversation that needs to happen’

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Leading UK dad blogger John Adams, one of the brilliant contributors to the insideMAN book and a panelist at last Friday’s book launch debate, gives his thoughts on taking the stage to discuss “the hottest of hot potatoes”.

I feel honoured to have contributed to an amazing book called Pioneering Stories about Men and Boys. The book, which has just been launched, is a collection of essays from a very diverse and talented range of writers.

The book was collated and edited by Glen Poole and Dan Bell, the dynamic duo behind the insideMAN. Its aim is to shed light on a masculinity and a number of issues that affect men.

All too often equality is considered a women’s issue. It’s important to stress this book doesn’t down play the importance of the challenges women face.

Nonetheless, it highlights challenges that guys are dealing with in the modern era. It’s been put together in easy to read, bite-size chunks and is hard to put down once you get going.

Issues tackled in the book include:
• male infertility
• eating disorders among men
• circumcision (see below)
• dealing with miscarriage (this contribution have been written by my blogging chum Al Ferguson of The Dad Network)
• men’s mental health (see below)
• living as a gay man.

A highlight for me was a chapter exploring whether there is a masculinity crisis called Crisis? What Crisis? This was written by Mark Simpson, a writer and journalist widely credited for coining the phrase ‘metrosexual’. Other highlights include a highly personal account from a man who didn’t want his son circumcised in opposition to his wife, and the damage it did to his relationship. If you read it and don’t have a lump in your throat by the end then you have no soul.

The Ancient Rules of Masculinity by consultant clinical psychologist Martin Seager explores mental health and suicide, vital subjects considering the lack of mental health support available to men and a suicide rate three times higher than women’s. Chris Good, who describes himself as a “writer, musician and father of four” provides a self-explanatory contribution called Breaking the Silence of Male Victims of Domestic Violence.

My own contribution is called The Privilege and Sacrifice of Being a Stay at Home Dad. In it I highlight how I enjoy the role, but outline the struggles I sometimes face to be taken seriously in this traditionally female role.

By all means accuse me of being biased, but if you have an interest in equalities, I’d recommend reading this book. Other commentators have said it is essential reading for anyone with sons. I’ll leave you to make your own mind up on that point, but it’s not an unhealthy suggestion!

Not only was I honoured to contribute to the book, I was also one of five people asked to speak at its launch party on Friday night. The other speakers were Mark Simpson, journalist and former editor of Loaded magazine Martin Daubney, parental alienation specialist Karen Woodall and Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz, a personal development consultant.

The event took place at Bloomsbury Central Baptist Church in Central London (to clarify, the event was secular). We each had six minutes to answer the question;If masculinity is in crisis, who needs to change; men or society? It was followed by a Q&A session involving all of us speakers.

If you’ll indulge me, I’m going to tell you a little story. Back in 2013 I accepted an invitation to speak at the annual BritMums Live conference blogging conference. I had only been blogging a few months so was very surprised to receive this invitation.

While at the podium, I made a passing comment, and it was no more than a passing comment, questioning why mum bloggers seemed reluctant to write about feminism. That may sound like a sweeping generalisation, but the previous day someone at the conference had spoken about feminism and there was a noticeable response on social media from those in the audience saying they wouldn’t touch the subject.

‘The hottest of hot potatoes’

Move forward to 2015 and as the launch event for Pioneering Stories about Men and Boys neared, I realised why there was such resistance to writing about equalities and gender issues. The uncomfortable truth is that gender and gender equality are the hottest of hot potatoes. It dawned on me that whatever I was going to say would meet with disagreement from at least some in the audience. Was I mad or foolhardy to have agreed to this speaking engagement?

There was no way I was going to back out, but I was very nervous. I wrote some notes, but wasn’t sure whether to tone down what I was going to say. In the end I decided not to. The purpose of this event was to create debate and if a few people disagreed with me, well, that was part of the territory.

In short I said there is a masculinity crisis. I said that men could no longer rely on superior physical strength to give them a place in society and that the ‘hunter gather’ and ‘provider’ stereotypes are a historical anomaly. The traditionally male world of work and traditionally male occupations had been opened up to women. Conversely, the domestic sphere and traditionally female occupations had not been opened up to men in the same way (IE the early year’s childcare workforce which is 98% female).

I concluded by saying men needed to be more willing to give up, or ‘downgrade’ careers to look after family and home and that women should be prepared to step back so men could take on more childcare and homemaking responsibilities. I also said society needed to accept that masculinity was changing. Responsibility always was, and remains, an important part of masculinity. A man could run the family home and look after the kids as well as any women and society needed to accept this.

‘A discussion that needs to be had’

While I received a lot of positive feedback, not everyone in the audience was in complete agreement with what I said. Even so, it was a fun experience and I’m still on a high now and delighted to have taken part.

Even between us speakers there was a healthy range of opinions. Karen Woodall was not convinced there was a masculinity crisis and said feminism had not always been a force for good. Mark Simpson said the masculinity crisis had happened 20-30 years ago, society just didn’t know how to respond to modern men.

Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz gave a very personal insight talking about his own masculinity crisis and how he dealt with it. Martin Daubney, meanwhile, stressed the inequalities men face. He said men were unable to create ‘safe spaces’ to discuss men’s issues. He gave the example of universities that are happy to accommodate women’s groups, but fail to endorse men’s groups wishing to discuss issues such as mental health and suicide.

I’m glad I did it. It was truly an honour to be asked to speak and to contribute to the book. At the end of the day I don’t actually care about people agreeing or disagreeing with my point of view. These discussions have got to be had so that men and women and create a better world for ourselves and our sons and daughters.

My advice ‘though; do buy the book. You won’t be disappointed.

By John Adams

This article originally appeared on John Adams’ excellent fatherhood blog DadblogUK.com

To get your copy of Pioneering Stories About Men and Boys, follow this link. It costs £8 for the ebook, £12 for paperback and £21 for hardback.

How I became one of the UK’s top dad bloggers

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John Adams is one of the UK’s leading dad bloggers, here in his first post for insideMAN he describes how the casual sexism he faced as a newly stay-at-home dad inspired him to blog about fatherhood and why more dads should start to speak out.

This is an exciting moment; writing my first ever post for InsideMAN. I’ve been asked to make this a regular thing, which is fantastic news. On this occasion, the focus will be on my blogging activities and what it’s like to be a dad blogger.

Many people don’t really understand blogging. When I tell someone I write a parenting blog the reaction is often “oh, is it like Mumsnet?” There are incredible similarities between what I do and what mum bloggers do but, no, my activities are not comparable to the Internet juggernaut that is Mumsnet. I wish it were but I must concede I’m a long way off those dizzy heights.

Here’s some background about my blog, Dadbloguk.com. In 2010 I left my old job (and basically my career) to become the main carer for my eldest daughter, Helen. My wife continued to work full time and, with home life in my capable hands, her career has subsequently taken off.

As soon as I became the main carer, I noticed just how sexist the parenting world can be. I began to get very sensitive to the way people reacted to me as a father. I’ve had medical professionals inform me that I am “babysitting,” while on two memorable occasions I accompanied my wife to pre-natal appointments only to be completely ignored.

‘Nothing more than sperm donors’

I noticed a local childcare provider gave a lengthy interview to a newspaper in which she repeatedly stated her service was for “mums” and made no mention of fathers whatsoever. I also read a best-selling book from a certain education specialist that treated men as nothing more than sperm donors.

I could take no more of this. I launched Dadbloguk.com in October 2012, just a couple of weeks before my youngest daughter was born. Initially my aim was to write solely about my experiences as a man who is the homemaker and main childcare provider.

I wrote posts about the casual sexism I faced. I also called on men to rally to this cause as, ultimately, only we can change the parenting world. There is no reason for a man to feel out of place in a school playground and there is no reason why men should not work in childcare. I’ve written about both subjects and had great responses when I have tackled them.

Just to expand on that point, the early years childcare workforce in the UK is only 2% male. We hear a lot from Government ministers and other commentators about the glass ceilings women face in the workforce.

Shining a light

I don’t wish to make light of the barriers women face. Unfortunately, however, we don’t hear much from the same commentators about getting men to work in childcare, nursing or primary education. There is a big inconsistency in the way society considers these issues and being a dad blogger gives me an opportunity to shine a light on such things.

Over time my blog has evolved. I’ve learned more about blogging and the skills required to make my small corner of the Internet popular with search engines. These days I blog about all types of things; education, pregnancy, birth, looking after my daughters’ hair, how to ensure the children lead an active lifestyle and so on. Having invested in camera equipment, I also post photographic-focused blog articles and I will write product reviews and run the occasional competition.

One of my great loves is clothes and style. When I launched the blog I purposefully chose not to write about this as I thought it might be considered lightweight. Over time, however, I realised that mum bloggers have no issues whatsoever with writing about feminism one day and floral print dresses the next. I wanted to gate crash the party and so I added a men’s style section to the blog, plus sections dedicated to family days out and family finances.

‘Our numbers are growing’

The enlightened product and service providers are keen to work with bloggers such as myself. They recognise that a father’s perspective is very useful when marketing to families. Men are increasingly involved with raising their children so including dads in the marketing mix is the smart thing to do.

With a couple of years experience behind me and a broadened focus, I recently took the blog professional. It is now a source of income to me and one that I run at home from my dining table. It’s not bringing in millions so I shan’t be retiring and buying a condo in Miami any time soon, but it is great for fitting round the kids and makes a profit. Essentially this is a second career for me and I’m making a real go of it.

Quite a few mum bloggers have been running profitable, appealing websites for some time now. I think it’s fantastic, they write great, popular material and fit it round their family commitments.

Rather like nursing, childcare and primary education, the number of dads writing professional parenting blogs is tiny. That said, we do exist and our numbers our growing. Who knows, one of these days my blog might grow to the same size as Mumsnet. Nothing wrong with a bit of ambition.

Are you a new mum or dad who recognises the attitudes John describes? Are you a dad who’s got lots to say about their experiences? What do you think needs to change to change for mums and dads to be seen on equal footing by parenting and childcare professionals? Please tell us in a comment or a tweet.

More about the author:

John Adams is a married stay at home dad with two young daughters. He was previously a journalist and PR / communications professional but gave this up in 2010 to be a homemaker and look after the children.

In 2012 he launched a parenting blog focused on his experiences as a “man that holds the babies” called Dadbloguk.com. It was a success and he now writes for a variety of different publications in addition to his own blog.

Cision media monitoring database cites him as one of the UK’s five-most influential dad bloggers and he was shortlisted in the Commentary and Campaigns category of the 2014 Brilliance in Blogging awards.

If you want to read some fantastic dad blogs, we thoroughly suggest you take a look at http://lovealldads.co.uk which is essentially a show-case of fatherhood blogs. Run as a collective, there is also a weekly podcast during which fatherhood and parenting issues are discussed.

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