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My twins inspire me with their ability to overcome obstacles says dad

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The dad blogger JD is a stay-at-home dad to twins Jake and Ellie. Here he writes about their ability to overcome obstacles in support of a Mother of twins, Emma Day, who is fighting cancer .

My wonderful twins Jake & Ellie have been inspiring me. I’ve been so impressed with their determination. They want to do almost everything they see anyone else, especially older children, doing.

Even if – especially if? – it scares them.

They seem to think that almost nothing is, or should be, beyond them. Such self-belief, such confidence! Perhaps not always grounded in reality, but it’s there nonetheless. And it seems to be working for them.

If at first you don’t succeed

Last April, for instance, they launched themselves into climbing a tree, completely independently. They got stuck, & cried. I lifted them out – then they climbed straight back up again!

On Saturday we had the rope bridge. The first chance they’d had to climb it for weeks, normally they’d attempt it, get scared & I’d help them across. This time they charged over as if it was the easiest thing in the world. There were a few shouts of “I did it!” on the other side!

On Monday they insisted on going on a zip-wire for the first time. After being too scared at first, they went back & loved it. Then last night they spontaneously did rock-clambering for the first time, & really took to it – again with their determination overcoming their fears.

Overcoming life’s obstacles

They’ve seen something they wanted to do, overcome their fears & just gone & done it. Life is full of obstacles. Things that it can throw at us can be daunting, overwhelming even. Or, in Ellie’s words: “a bit scary”.

There are things that we should do in order to have a better life, & things that we must do. From things like providing for your family – emotionally, mentally, financially – to things like fighting cancer. Jake & Ellie are determined, & strong. They fight their fears, & conquer them.

They are an inspiration. I have challenges to face, challenges which sometimes seem overwhelming. They have spurred me on to see that I can overcome my fears, that I can be determined, that I can fight & that I can win.

If these little 3-year-olds can do that then so can I. And so can we all.

Emma has. Cancer came at her, and she fought back. “Cancer we’re coming to get you!” is her war-cry. She’s been through a really hard time – but she’s winning. She’s faced her fears, she’s fought for herself & for her family, & she’s coming out on top.

Jake & Ellie overcome. Emma overcomes. And so can we all.

So I’ll see you on the other side. And together we can shout “I did it!”

—Picture: Whiskey For Aftershave 

This post was originally written for the ‘Shoulder To Shoulder To Day’ blog-hop: bloggers coming together to support Emma Day in her fight against cancer, especially while she was receiving treatment in isolation & unable to be with her family.

You can follow JD’s blog about bringing up twins at www.whiskeyforaftershave.com.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com.

Five things I’ve loved about my first year as a dad

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Daddy Blogger, Ryan Costello, shares the five things he has loved most about his first year as a dad.

I can’t quite believe that I’ve surpassed the 12-month mark on this parenting journey, remain relatively unscathed and able to tell the story! Time really does travel fast. If I’ve learnt one thing about fatherhood, it’s that it’s something entirely impossible to understand until you actually become a Dad yourself. It changes your outlook on life, your emotional make up, your priorities… it alters everything. I love being a Dad. I’m aware that I’m only a year in, and I know it will change and change again, but I know enough to know that I love it. Here’re a few of my favourite things about being a Dad based on my first year:

ONE: LAUGHING

Laughing with your child is the most magical thing. A baby’s laugh is my favourite sound, but my own baby’s laugh is the most special sound in the whole world. That all encompassing, mouth open and sometimes soundless-but-help-I-can’t-breathe laugh is the holy grail of holy grails in life… and it’s even better when you’ve made it happen.

TWO: FEELING LOVED

There are those unavoidable horrendous days that we all have from time to time. When you’ve had a terrible day at work and you feel like the whole world is out to get you. Most normal people just go to bed early, or reach for a bottle of their favourite drink.

Being a Dad is awesome on days like those. Coming home, opening the door and watching your son stop what he’s doing and break into a smile because he’s so genuinely happy to see you disperses all of those storm clouds and makes the day sunny again.

We’ve finally got Clayton fully sleep trained and now every morning starts with one of those ‘Oh my goodness, I haven’t seen you for 10 whole hours, where have you been?’ moments. He stands in his cot and jumps up and down in excitement, just because you’ve walked in the room. What beats feeling loved by someone you love with all of your being?

THREE: DISCOVERY

I feel extremely privileged to be able to rediscover this world in which we live through the eyes of my child. Everything is new to him and needs exploring and I love guiding him and encouraging him on his journey of discovery. Watching Clayton’s reactions as he sees, touches, experiences and learns about things for the first time brings me an unprecedented amount of happiness. As he grows more and more curious and his senses develop, there is an adventure to be had at every corner and I’m grateful that Clayton allows me to join his expeditions from time to time.

FOUR: FATHERHOOD

Having a child gives you the licence to be a child yourself whenever it takes your fancy (so long as your child is there of course! I don’t mean you can just break out the lego in the middle of a work meeting). Playing with toys, acting silly, pulling faces and singing songs is my new favourite hobby and why not? The reaction you get from the giggling mini version of yourself makes the game twice as much fun as it was last time you played it.

FIVE: PERSPECTIVE

I could already see signs of it during my wife’s pregnancy, but since becoming a Father my heart has been softened. I’m much more emotional and happier for it. Since being able to call myself a Dad a lot of things that used to matter, don’t anymore and I love that. It doesn’t matter what your passion is, how tied up you are in your career or own ego… fatherhood literally melts your heart, makes you cry, smile, breaks you into pieces and puts you together again as a different being.

I’m thankful for everything that has happened during the last 12 months and excited for the discoveries, challenges and bumps along the road ahead. The person I have started to develop into since becoming a Dad is one that I like the look of and am relishing continuing the evolution.

I can honestly say that I have no idea how I filled my time before Clayton came along and wouldn’t swap Fatherhood for my old life for all the money in the world. It’s not always easy (and I like that sometimes) but this first year has taught me that parenting is the most rewarding, privileged job out there.  I hope to continue to grow with my children and to do the challenge of fatherhood at least ‘some’ justice.

—Photo: Dad Creek

To hear more from Ryan Costello check out his blog Up Dad Creek Without a Paddle  and follow him on Twitter @costyy2k

 

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Why dads still need to fight for better parental leave rights

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I think the introduction of shared parental leave is a great thing. I’ll be honest, I don’t think it will lead to a revolution in childcare, but it is an enormous step in the correct direction.

I’m not convinced it will lead to a huge increase in stay at home fathers. It will, however, give men a greater opportunity to get involved with their children in the early days and, crucially, it will give families flexibility to decide how to organise childcare following the arrival of a new born.

In case you haven’t guessed it, I am leading up to a massive “but”. We’ll deal with that in a moment.

First of all, for those unaware the present maternity and paternity leave systems will be consigned to history as of April 2015. In its place a system of shared parental leave will be introduced. Women will have a mandatory period of two weeks maternity leave. After this mother and father will be able to share fifty weeks of leave and 37 weeks of statutory pay (men will still have the right to two week’s paternity leave so long as it is taken within 56 days of the birth).

In theory, mum could hand the reigns over to dad and return to work after her two week spell of maternity leave ends. Alternatively the couple could decide to spend three months at home together and dad then return to work or whatever suits them best.

Are mums winners or losers?

With April fast approaching, I’ve seen increased discussion and debate about shared parental leave. I have to say I have seen some very compelling arguments coming from the pro-breast feeding lobby. The consensus seems to be that women are essentially losing the right to a guaranteed and protracted period of maternity leave.

I don’t agree with this argument, as I think women are gaining something much more valuable (ie the ability to share the burden of childcare). That said, I sympathise with the argument. You can hardly blame the pro-breastfeeding lobby for expressing concern about this aspect of shared parental leave.

This, however, is where we build up to the massive “but” I was talking about. Women are losing the right to a protracted period of maternity leave. Although men will still have the right to two weeks of paternity leave, there are no safeguards in place to stop a woman from taking all the shared parental leave herself. Mum cannot be forced to share the leave if she doesn’t want (in the spirit of fairness, dad could also refuse to share the leave if he were the main carer).

Let’s not be dramatic. I think the majority of women will be doing cartwheels at the thought of dad at least taking a month or two off following the birth of a child. Speaking from personal experience, this is something any woman who has had a hard or surgical birth will particularly appreciate.

Some mums will refuse to share 

Even so, there is likely to be a small population of women who will refuse to share the parental leave. Maybe the relationship will have broken down, maybe there is a question over paternity or maybe the mum just has no confidence in the father (which can happen for a variety of both genuine and nefarious reasons). There may be instances where interfering and overbearing relatives from the extended family tell the father he is not needed or welcome.

I certainly don’t mean to point the finger at women. Men can be controlling or have no confidence in their partners. If a man happened to be the main carer, there’s every chance he may also refuse to share the leave. The reality, however, is that mum is generally in the more powerful position in the early days and so if anyone is going to be frozen out of the family, it is more likely to be dad.

In other nations where shared parental leave is in force, a “use it or lose it” clause has been inserted into the rules. In other words a man must use some of his shared parental leave within a set time frame or else he will loose the right to it altogether. In most cases this was done because men didn’t take up their leave because they had fears their employer may disapprove if he took a lengthy break to be with the children.

Dads need to fight for a better deal

No such clause exists in the UK’s rules. Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has already said such a move may need to be considered.

If implemented, this may deal with two issues in one go. Firstly, it would put employers in the position where they had to accept that men are likely to take some time off following the birth of a child. Secondly, it would put men and women on a more equal footing and make it more difficult for either party to refuse to share the parental leave.

I believe the next battle we will need to fight is to get a “use it or lose” it clause into the shared parental leave rules. This, I’m afraid, is a battle that us guys will need to fight.

Before signing off, let me repeat what I said at the start; I think shared parental leave is a great thing. It’s a major step in the right direction. To use a cliché, Rome wasn’t built in a day and over the waters in the Republic of Ireland men still only get two weeks of unpaid paternity leave. This shows how far the UK has travelled compared to some nearby neighbours. I simply think we need to accept the new rules, great though they are, will need revising to bring about even greater parity.

—Photo: flickr/Wrote 

John Adams is a married stay at home dad with two young daughters. He was previously a journalist and PR / communications professional but gave this up in 2010 to be a homemaker and look after the children.

In 2012 he launched a parenting blog focused on his experiences as a “man that holds the babies” called Dadbloguk.com  and he now writes for a variety of different publications in addition to his own blog and writes regular articles for insideMAN.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Five people I really hate now I’m a dad!

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UK daddy blogger, The DADventurer, used to think he was the kind of men who didn’t let much get to him…….and then he became a dad!

I’ve realised though that this part of me died, or at least left home, when Baby L (my daughter) disembarked the mothership six months ago. Whatever the reasons, I’m now more annoyed, wound up and pissed off than I used to be, which is a bit of a problem when there are so many muppets in the world purposefully trying to aggravate me on a daily basis.

I either didn’t use to care, or more likely, didn’t realise that these people were annoying until I became a dad and was required to go different places and do different things to that of a childless, married man.

I therefore want to share with you the different groups of people that really get on my tits, partly as anger therapy and partly to get you to stop being annoying if you are one of these people

ONE: People Who Use Parent And Child Spaces:  The good folk at supermarkets, shopping centres etc had the great idea of creating parking spaces for the sole use of parents with children. Often wider than your normal space and closer to the entrance, the clue really is in the name, but still, some plebs decide that they have the right to park there even if they don’t have a child. I was raised to be polite, be courteous and respect rules, so I just don’t get what goes through people’s heads when a sole shopper purposefully chooses to park somewhere which is designed for someone else. There’s nothing more annoying than waiting for a parent and child space to become available or choosing to park somewhere else because there isn’t enough space, only to see some trumped up bloke in a suit return to his Audi parked where it shouldn’t be. What a dickhead

TWO: People Who Park On The Curb:  People who live near us have decided that it is acceptable to park half on the curb and half off the curb with their car. Pretty harmless, isn’t it? No, not really when I’m expected to walk in the middle of the road with my wife and little baby because we can’t physically get passed your shitmobile which you’ve selfishly parked on the pavement. A pavement is for pedestrians, a road is for a car, you massive imbecile. If I was in charge, I’d put a blanket ban on pavement parking in order to protect those people with a pushchair or in a wheelchair etc who have little desire to participate in what can only be likened to the obstacle course from Wipeout.

THREE: People Who Use Lifts, But Don’t Need To:  When you have a pushchair, shops become a more difficult place to visit. If it’s not the weaving in between racks of clothes which are too closely situated together, then it is a (sometimes) endless search for a lift to get to other floors. We all know that lift designers intentionally built them to go as slow as possible, so when they do arrive, what is more annoying than waiting in line or being unable to enter because of other people using the lift when they don’t need to. Again, stop being selfish and putting other people out when you have an option of using the stairs or escalator when they don’t. Obviously, those with disabilities which you can or can’t see should get priority, but I shouldn’t need to wait because of the three fat women too lazy to walk up the stairs or the hyperactive kids who think that a lift is a new game. (P.S. for anyone who says being fat is a disability, it’s not, you’re just fat).

FOUR: People Who Don’t Clean Up After Themselves:  I’ll set the scene. You are in the supermarket. You’ve just heard a massive, squelchy fart come from the babies direction and realise they’ve crapped their pants. You head over to the baby change facility and are relieved to see that it is vacant. You open the door, but are immediately struck by the pig sty scene you find in front of you. Used nappies on the side, wet wipes hanging out of the bin and questionable stains on the changing mat. You’ve then got to spend time trying to make the place as clean and usable as possible whilst your little one festers in her own waste. I appreciate that these facilities exist and understand that they can’t be kept spotless, but it doesn’t take much to put used nappies into a bin or wipe up your child’s faeces which are strewn across the mirror before you depart. Life would be so much better if everyone was that bit more considerate, but instead we live in a world wear people use and abuse these public facilities without giving a seconds thought to the person that next walks through the door.

FIVE: People Without Kids: That’s right. All you people out there who haven’t created life before, I hate you. I hate that your life is simple. I hate that your life doesn’t revolve around a milk-drinking leach. I hate that you don’t have to take nappies and wet wipes with you wherever you go. I hate that you can have a solid night’s sleep. But more importantly, I hate that you don’t understand what life with a baby is like and that you try to understand but fail miserably. Saying things like “It’s only a stage, I’m sure it’ll pass”, “Oh, she hardly ever cries, does she” or “You’re looking a bit tired today”, isn’t helpful and will more than likely result in you experiencing physical pain. Just wait until you have a baby and can experience our pain. Then I’m going to recite the things that you said to me whilst I enjoy the fact that you have bags under your eyes and baby sick on your shirt. Just you wait.

So, that’s the five groups of people that I’ve realised that I hate now that I’ve become a dad. Does any of this ring true with you? Is there anyone you started hating once you became a parent? Let me know in the comments below so that we can bitch and whine about it together.

—Photo credit: Flickr/Adam McGhee

The DADventurer is a UK daddy blogger who describes himself as a late-twenty something, happily married, newbie Dad. You can find follow his blog The DADventurer, where you’ll find him chronicling the trials and tribulations of being a new dad whilst juggling the pressures that come with modern life. You can also follow him on twitter @the_dadventurer or on facebook at The DADventurer.

If you liked this article and want to read more, follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

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Can today’s dads help create a future free from prejudice?

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What’s it like for a dad to bring up children in world filled with prejudice? Ryan Costello, a daddy blogger from Oxfordshire, shares his thoughts on the matter.

–This is article #6 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys

Discrimination infuriates me! Stereotypes, narrow minded people and preachers of all that is bad in this world infuriate me. Just because we have taken steps forward in the eyes of the media; racism is alive and well… as is homophobia, prejudice, harassment and ridiculing people based on something ‘they’ don’t believe to be normal. What is normal? It’s the fact that we’re all different that makes our diverse planet such an enjoyable place (for the most part) to travel, see and be a part of.

I’m a Dad now to 2 young and beautiful children and as I’ve said many times before, becoming a parent changes your outlook on life. I see them discovering things for the very first time every day and it’s a beautiful thing. But I also see the bad side of life on Earth and I can’t help but want to wrap my children up and protect them from it. Every day I see, read or experience some form of discrimination. Before becoming a Dad, I wouldn’t have taken as much notice as I do today but it infuriates me.

My son has a large ‘port wine stain’ whch he was born with on his leg and face. It’s a birth mark and hampers him in no way at all… it makes him who he is and I barely even acknowledge it when I look at him. That being said, I worry every day that other, more hateful, less educated people will feel the need to point it out and make out that it is something negative in the future. Because there are more people in the world without birth marks on their face than there are that do have them, does that make it abnormal? Does that make him different in a way worse than anyone else is different from the next person? The fact that he could be victim to hate over something he had no choice over and that is completely innocent upsets me greatly.

Discrimination in Disneyworld

My daughter suffered an injury during childbirth. She had her scalp badly damaged and the doctors couldn’t tell us whether or not she would ever have hair grow on a large proportion of her head. In actual fact, the injury was merely cosmetic and now her hair is growing fine. But the point is that when we learned that, we instantly feared for her future. We thought that a girl who couldn’t grow hair would be hampered in life, and be subject to prejudice. The fact that we even thought that at all is wrong!

I visited Disneyworld as a child for the first time, almost 20 years ago now and an incident from my time there has stuck with me ever since. Disneyworld bills itself as being the happiest place on earth and for the most part, I’d agree. I’m a huge fan. But even the happiest place on earth isn’t without its share of hateful people.

It was pushing 100 degrees that day and there was no escaping the humid, intense heat. Two complete strangers were walking alongside us right in front of Cinderella’s castle talking about being desperate for a frozen treat to cool off with. They sounded genuinely relieved to spy an ice cream stand up ahead. Then the male half of the couple realised that the employee working that ice cream stand was black. They decided that they would rather stay hot and be without ice cream than have “a n***** handle their food”.

It’s tough being gay

That incident has stuck with me all this time. My son’s Godmother and one of our very best friends is Nigerian and black. It angers me that there are people in the world so uneducated that they believe an ice cream sold to them by a black hands as opposed to a white one will be any different. It angers me that someone I care about may have, does or will experience that kind of hatred first hand.

My brother is gay. He is openly, happily gay and why wouldn’t he be? It makes him no different from the next person. In fact, if anything it makes him better. The fact that he is different, embraces it and lives bravely amongst a prejudice population makes him a stronger individual than most. But he didn’t come out and be openly gay for quite some time, and I know that he’s not the only one that felt fearful of being different than the so called norm when it comes to sexual orientation.

How many people still live a lie or in fear? The thought of a child of mine living in that kind of fear gives me anxiety. I can’t sit still thinking about it, it bothers me that much. I declare now that I will make sure that both of my children know every single day that I will always love them no matter what. Unconditionally.

I want my kids to be different

One of the hardest parts about being a parent is already being old enough to know that the world isn’t fair. I hope to be able to teach my children that in the most sensitive way possible. There is no place for hate. I’m afraid that I don’t think a day will ever come when people won’t be judged on their appearance, sexual orientation, race or gender. But what I can do as a parent is ensure that my children are educated well enough to not add themselves to the list of people that prey on people for being different.

I actually WANT my children to be different in their own way and never fear the opinion of someone else. The children of this world deserve to grow up knowing that they deserve to be loved, no matter what and it shouldn’t be dependent on anything but them being themselves. Whether your skin is black, white, yellow or has a birthmark plastered across is… your skin is as beautiful as anybody else’s.

Children are the most innocent beings. No one is born racist or with the ability to make an assumption based on someone’s appearance. Becoming a parent is the greatest privilege known to mankind and we must be grateful for the opportunity to raise the next generation. We as parents have a responsibility to raise our children, leading by example. Only we can shape the future and help put a stop to the hate that we are surrounded by.

—Picture credit: Flickr/DryHundredFear 

To hear more from Ryan Costello check out his blog Up Dad Creek Without a Paddle  and follow him on Twitter @costyy2k

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

 

 

 

Why dads should encourage their sons to play with dolls

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I really thought that I shouldn’t need to write about this. I believed that’s not a topic of the 21st century. And, oh gosh, I was wrong.

I’m talking about the big gender nonsense in our society. It all starts by how we treat our children, putting them into categories of gender: this is what boys do and that’s what girls do, this is what boys wear, this is what girls wear…

When working with families I came across this a lot: Mum thinks it’s a good idea to buy their sons (and daughters of course) a doll to play with. Then dad joins in and says: My son playing with a dolly? No way, he will get a new football, that’s what boys play with!

A quick look into the next best toy shop will just confirm this view. Toys are being categorised – again, girls toys (then they come in pink) and boys toys (blue of course). Girls play with dolls, prams, skipping ropes and pink balls – boys will play with cars, toy guns, pirate outfits and blue balls.

‘He would go with dolly everywhere’

But what would happen if there are no such stereotypes anymore? What would our children choose if media, marketing and shops ignore colour coding and artificial preferences?

My boys are going through different phases of playing with dolls. When my eldest was about 1 1⁄2 we gave him a doll. He took the doll, looked at it and then kissed it. This was followed of a period of time where he would go with dolly everywhere.

After about six months he suddenly lost interest in playing with his doll. We didn’t do anything about it and that’s how it is until now. He’s now nearly six and pays more attention to his soft toy rabbit (well, now he wants a real baby to cuddle and look after, well, I guess he has honed his fathering skills on dolly, now we can move to the next level…). His younger brother has taken over the care for dolly. He is looking after her like a father would care for his child. And that’s exactly what playing with dolls is all about: Caring for someone; social, emotional and communication skills. It’s incredible what children explore and develop when they play with dolls: The list is long.

To check out all benefits on playing with dolls, have a read at MamaOT’s post here. (Just the headline in that post would look so much better without the reference to boys. All kids already includes boys)

What if there were no ‘gendered’ toys?

And it’s interesting to see, how kids can respond to the artificial advertising of gender roles. When we went out for a small lunch the other day, to a seaside café, there were little flags in the Panini with crossbones and a skull on it. My son asked why and well, what’s the answer to that? So, I just went with the best answer I could think of: adults think children like pirates and so like the café. His response was, “I don’t like pirates”. Yes, why would you?

Sometimes explaining the adult world to children, especially the world adults create for children to enjoy, is extremely difficult.

So what if we didn’t have any “gendered” toys? I believe our kids would just continue playing. They don’t care about gender fake (they will go for the colours THEY like) or appropriate toys. With no interfering from our side they’ll figure out themselves which toy is fun and which isn’t. Some will go through colour phases of liking one and then another.

So, next time I hear a father (or a mother) say that their son(s) shouldn’t play with dolls, I’ll just pick up one, sit on the floor and pretend to feed it. Then I will wait for the boys to join in the game. Kids play with dolls – let them enjoy it!

By Torsten Klaus

Torsten is an Author, Parenting Coach and Stay-at-home Father. He runs the internet platform Dads Talk  and you can connect with him on www.facebook.com/DadsTalk or on Twitter @EmpathicFathers

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The way brands ignore and exclude dads is offensive

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In his regular column for insideMAN, UK daddy blogger, John Adams, explains how big brands ignore dads—and why it matters.

I’ve been blogging about parenthood and fathers’ issues for almost two years now. In that time I can honestly say I have seen increased recognition of the contribution fathers make as parents from retailers and manufacturers of parenting products.

I am, however, staggered at how wrong some organisations still get things. There’s a common bug bear you’ll hear from my dad blogging chums. It’s the arrival of a media release promoting an amazing, gender-neutral product that omits fathers altogether or addresses it solely to women. Interestingly, I find it’s often the bigger, more established brands that are guilty of this behaviour.

It really isn’t that uncommon to walk into a store specialising in parenting and childhood products and find all sorts of gender neutral toys on the shelves. You know the type of thing; building blocks for girls and boys, toys that are in red of purple instead of pink and blue. Look around the store, however, and you’ll see every publicity photo features images of mums and children without a dad anywhere.

I won’t name it, but one of the UK’s biggest retailers in this sector makes an amazing claim on its corporate website. According to its own bumph, it exists to provide; “products and services for mothers, mothers-to-be, babies and young children.” An odd statement for a store selling prams, car seats, changing mats, potties, baby baths and all manner of gender neutral items.

Not all brands are bad with dads 

Before I go on, let me just say some brands excel at engaging with dads and including fathers in their marketing. I want to make that point because some brands do, in fact, get the importance and relevance of fathers.

That said, a classic example of poor practice arrived in my inbox the other day. It was from a media release from a major, internationally recognised brand seeking to promote a new range of baby skincare products. The marketing bumph made no mention of fathers whatsoever and inferred that only mums deal with such issues.

When my first daughter was born, she developed a dry skin issue. I was the one to ask the health visitor what we should do about her skin, not my wife. My wife was completely committed to our child and would probably have dealt with it, but I felt this was my responsibility. After all, my other half was either attempting to breastfeed or hobbling round the house recovering from the physical trauma of a difficult birth. She wasn’t really in a state to walk to the local pharmacy so she could buy medication.

Defying gender stereotypes

I exaggerate slightly. The health visitor advised us to use olive oil and it worked perfectly. Just bear that in mind next time your new born develops dry skin. You don’t need to buy the latest product from a sexist, global pharmaceutical giant. If, however, my daughter had needed a more specialist treatment, well, it would have been me that ventured out the house to get it.

I quite often write about this kind of casual sexism towards fathers. Despite this, I can’t deny that, as part of a married couple, I am supported.

I am fortunate enough to be married to an amazing woman. I’m not the only one defying gender stereotypes in this relationship. My wife tells me she often gets strange looks and is made to feel like she’s letting her family down because, as a woman, she hasn’t sacrificed a career and continues to work full time.

Even though I’m a rarity for being male and fulfilling the main childcare and household management roles, I am not in any other kind of minority. When I speak up about the sexism I encounter as a dad that holds the babies, I’m often not thinking of myself. As I say, I have the support to deal with these situations.

Not all dads are straight and married

I’m usually thinking of the gay, adoptive dads, the widowers, the divorcee dads or dads that are non-resident for some reason. I have the greatest respect for all of these men (as I do single mothers regardless of their situation and sexuality).

I’m not saying these men require sympathy or special treatment, but they seem to be completely invisible to the big parenting brands. Even those brands that do engage with us dads tend to automatically assume we’re part of a happy, heterosexual couple. Widowers and divorcees generally don’t have that luxury.

As for gay couples, I’m staggered at how little attention parenting brands seem to pay to this demographic, especially since gay marriage was legalised. I recall once being in a room full of marketeers discussing the latest parenting trends and how to market products to mums and dads. I mentioned gay parents and there was shuffling of feet, downward glances and utter silence. The concept was clearly foreign to them.

When retailers and manufacturers pretend I don’t exist, I get annoyed. When I think of these other guys, I think the continued, mum-focused marketing of parenting products is nothing but offensive.

If you enjoyed this article, then find out what advertising expert, Tim Downs, has to say to big brands about advertising to fathers. 

More about the author:

John Adams is a married stay at home dad with two young daughters. He was previously a journalist and PR / communications professional but gave this up in 2010 to be a homemaker and look after the children.

In 2012 he launched a parenting blog focused on his experiences as a “man that holds the babies” called Dadbloguk.com  and he now writes for a variety of different publications in addition to his own blog.

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—Photo from Oreo’s “The Biscuit Whisper” by Draft FCB

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Early Learning Centre apologises for sexist tweet ridiculing dads

by 2 Comments

The Early Learning Centre (ELC), a UK-based chain of toyshops, courted controversy yesterday by choosing to insult one of its main groups of customers—Dads!

In a poorly considered attempt at corporate humour, the retailer, which operates around 300 stores in 20 countries, shared a branded meme on Twitter and Facebook suggesting that the only role that dads play in childcare is telling their kids where mum is.

Fathers across the UK reacted angrily to the suggestion that mums face a long list of demands from their kids (eg “I’m hungry, “I’m cold”, “she hit me”, “can I have?” etc) while the only demand that dads have to deal with is: “where’s Mum?”.

Sexist, insulting and stereotypical

Tom, a father of two and primary school teacher from Worcestershire, who writes the blog Daddy Daydream, described the meme as: “very, very insulting to all those Dads who look after their families.”

“I work full time but I do try to do as much with my children as I can,” he said. “There is still a lot of people out there who are unaware of the changes that are taking place in the roles of parents. I am just shocked that of all people to hold these old fashioned opinions that the ELC would be one of them.”

Another blogger, Al Jones of The Dad Network (cos dads have babies too) described the Early Learning Centre’s internet meme as “sexist, insulting and stereotypical”.

“It’s a public display of discriminative stereotyping when (a lot) of dads are doing their best for their children,” he said. “My issue is that it makes implications that dads can’t be arsed and just point their children to their mum. That just isn’t the case anymore, and until things like this are stopped, we’ll continue to have Batman and Robin climbing the houses of parliament. It’s an ongoing uphill battle to promote the importance of the role of fathers within family life when massive corporations make two clicks and spread these kind of things all over the web”.

“We are truly sorry!”

According to the campaign group Fathers 4 Justice (F4J), the Early Learning Centre responded to complaints by removing the post and issuing he following apology:

“We truly are sorry and can assure you that it wasn’t our intention to cause any upset. The post has now been removed.”

F4J Campaign Director Nadine O’Connor said, “We welcome the swift apology by the Early Learning Centre and the removal of the offending post.”

“We hope the real lesson ELC will learn is that fathers are not there to be denigrated, but to be valued in the lives of their children. This should be reflected in future social media posts and advertising by the Early Learning Centre.”

 Dads aren’t just support staff

This isn’t first example of a large brand insulting fathers. Earlier this year Clinton Cards donated £500 to the ManKind charity for male victims of domestic violence to atone for their Director, Tim Fairs, referring to dads as “support staff” in the run up to Fathers’ Day. In another case, Huggies was forced to pull a TV ad that ridiculed dads after receiving a barrage of complaints from mums and dads.

According to a survey by Netmums,nine out of ten parents now think that TV dads do not reflect the contribution that fathers make to family life in the real world. Three out of ten went further and said the way dads are portrayed in the media is a “subtle form of discrimination”.

On a positive note, some brands like Cheerios and McDonald’s have recently been praised for promoting positive images of fatherhood in their tv advertising.

If you spot an advert that’s sexist against men or ridicules fathers (or an advert about dads that deserves to be celebrated) please let us know in the comments section or email insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

—Picture discredit: Early Learning Centre

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—Picture Credit: McDonalds 2014

Article by Glen Poole author of the book Equality For Men

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