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Fatherhood Institute launches #bringingfathersin campaign to get family services thinking about dads

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Across the world, most family interventions and services, whether they’re focused on health, parenting, education or any other aspect of family life, are aimed at mothers – with dads, at best, an afterthought.

But a strong and growing body of research suggests that if you’re serious about improving outcomes for children – and for women too – you need to get fathers on board as well.

Take early education as an example. Did you know that five-year-olds with two supportive parents score higher on language development than those with one or none? Or that 1- to 2-year-olds whose fathers read frequently to them, are more likely to be interested in books later in life? Or that children’s ‘school readiness’ is associated with high levels of fathers’, as well as mothers’, sensitivity?

Are dads being welcomed in?

The Fatherhood Institute’s free new factsheet, Making the most of fathers to support children’s early learning, launched on International Men’s Day, outlines key ways, like these, in which dads really matter. It’s essential reading if your job involves supporting children’s early learning and development.

Now it’s true that dads may sometimes not seem to be queuing up for support from family services. But contrary to popular belief, most of the time this isn’t because fathers lack interest in their children’s progress. Often they won’t even know a service exists; they may feel (justifiably?) that it’s not really aimed at them; they may believe that mums are the only ones who really matter; and they may have never explicitly been invited.

To help get beyond such obstacles, the other resources in the ‘Bringing Fathers In’ #bringingfathersin series include top tips on how to engage dads and the biggest mistakes to avoid; great ideas on ‘messaging’ for anyone advocating for more father-inclusive services; and advice on how to design and evaluate services with fathers in mind.

To find out more about the resources, including ten research summaries that support the series, visit the #bringingfathersin page of the Fatherhood Institute website here

This blog was produced by the Fatherhood Institute.

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Anatomy of a Deadbeat Dad part one

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Paul Nelson reveals how he became a “deadbeat dad”.

—This is article #92 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Make no mistake. Domestic Violence (DV) legislation and mechanisms designed to protect victims work well. The law and all those that work inside it, its custodians and enforcers, do their jobs pretty well. Some tick boxes to ensure process is followed, others dogmatically pursue this cause celebre with religious fervour. They are there to protect the weak, and they will do that job to the best of their ability, and then some.

2009:

I know what they are thinking. It’s not hard, just one look at their faces. I sense their disgust and its hard to look them in the eye. I know how they view me. The female DV specialist police officer pushes me into an interview room and demonstrates that I have no patriarchal advantage here; right now right here in this moment, she shows me who has the power.

24hrs Earlier; the police arrive and I am sat in the kitchen. A female police officer walks upstairs to speak to my wife. I can hear her break into painful wails of relief as her armed protector arrives. I sit silently downstairs, stunned by what had just taken place. Trying to make sense of it all. I recall the next hour as if it were a slow motion movie. A silent movie with the players each speaking, their lips moving but I hear no sound. And then my head breaks the surface and the sound rushes back in. The male police officers take me to their car. I’m there at the station and I’m now being interviewed.

No, I don’t want a solicitor. I don’t think I’ve done anything all that wrong. At least I don’t think I have? Where’s my wife?

She been taken somewhere safe and the children are with her.

Can I see the children?

No, thats not going to happen. You need to talk to us first and then we’ll decide what happens from here. We strongly advise you to get a solicitor.

Are they nuts, why would I want or need a solicitor?

This is all a misunderstanding. My wife and I love each other. This will all blow over. You’ll see. Its happened before but it never went this far. Can you have a word with her for me and ask her if we can sort this out.

Not this time, its gone too far. She doesn’t want to hear from me and is, I find later, receiving assistance from a free solicitor specialising in domestic violence funded by a women’s group.

I am not arrested or charged, I came to the station willingly. As soon as I am released I make it as far as the next corner and throw up into an alley way. I’ve never been interviewed before, certainly not like this and it’s taken 3 hrs. I’ve been interrogated and its a first for me. I’m just not used to it. The shock and fear prompts retching on an empty stomach. I’m struggling to breath and it hurts. There are others on the street but they seem scared of me. I notice the spatters of blood down my shirt and realise I look a mess. I catch my breath and the dizziness subsides. Its cold and I need to go home. To our now silent and empty home. I don’t know where my wife and children are.

Another day, another interview and then the call. Mr Nelson? Yes. I am a court bailiff. I am informing you that you have been issued a Non Molestation Order and must not go back to or approach the matrimonial home, and you must not make contact of any kind with your wife and children. Do you understand? I say yes but I do not, not really. This type of thing doesn’t happen to me. Its others you hear about. Not me, not us.

Shock is a word few understand until they have experienced it.

My perfect world has come to an abrupt end and I have not been given the letter of notice to allow me to prepare. I have nowhere to turn. ‘Our’ friends no longer return my calls. I realise she’s told them. I feel humiliated and scared of peoples reaction. One neighbour rescues me, he doesn’t ask too many questions and sees I am not built to deal with this challenge. He offers me a sofa for the night. I couldn’t sleep so I needn’t have bothered. This then becomes my new living arrangement. I move from sofa to sofa, and later into the back of a van that a friend lends to me. Pretty tough for a guy that is otherwise used to the luxuries afforded by a high level career in the city. I’m able to collect my things when she is out of the house. The police officer helps throw my designer suits into a black bin liner. They are crumpled and a perfect metaphor for my new existence.

2010 – 2012:

My ban seeing the children is now established and permanent. Contact orders were ignored by my wife and there’s no way to enforce them; not in the real world. Only on BBC news items that like to promote how good our family law system is. It always makes angry when I see these because it is propaganda, but I suspect some of these journo’s actually believe it. They would not if they walked a mile in my shoes.

Our home is gone, sold. The proceeds in their entirety passed to my wife. My elderly father who is in care has his life savings removed and passed to my wife. Its complex to explain but my wifes lawyers work their magic and I am unable to afford representation on an ongoing basis. I endure my punishment and that of an innocent man in his 80’s because a family court judge says this is what fair looks like.

I can’t face walking past our old home because of what it represents. Its easier to go somewhere different to hide from the shame and the pain of it all. The haunting voices of my children taunt me if I dare pass by our old home. So I don’t but I’ve tried a few times. This is where my last child came back to from the maternity ward, where she ran and played with her bigger sisters in the garden. My abiding memory, the exquisite sound of their squealing and giggling. Three girls. Ages 4 to 13.

All is silent and empty now.

I have lost my job. The stress of the break up, the psychological and financial strain of family court. The rumours of my crimes make it worse. I desperately want to see my daughters. My repeated attempts to do so always fail, if not through judicial indifference then to a mother who flatly refuses to abide by the court order.  People in my work and across my industry hear the story. The shame is complete. A do gooder has anonymously called around and kicked off the rumour mill, the word spreads like an uncontrollable fire. People view me differently when they see me as a bad man, a beater and molester of wife and children. Worse things too but I can’t bring myself to share them here. They are truly appalling to think let alone share. We don’t like or need your type around here is the new order of the day.

I can’t afford a car anymore, my clothes wear and I unable to replace them. How do you go from successful city man to virtual tramp in just 2-3 years? Sometimes, on a good day I even laugh at my own miserable transformation. Friends in and around my stockbroker village mostly turn their backs on me and the calls and texts are rarely returned. A few nervously befriend me but ensure it’s not too well known. I am a pariah. No one wants to be associated with my kind of man. I’m introduced to the term deadbeat dad – I am the man David Cameron Prime Minister spoke of on Fathers day 2011. Some have the balls to say it to my face; usually women who see it as their job to stand up for other women. I don’t know what to say to them; they’ve already judged me and usually their decision is final. There’s more to our story I want to say to them, equally there’s more story than time and their interest allows. They know me better than I know myself.

Humans are hardy creatures and I become accustomed to the occasional aggression thrown my way; oddly, I find myself admiring their conviction, their morals and stand. But it hurts. It helps to conclude that I must deserve this existence for my crime, that even my dying father deserves to be striped of all he has as a final punishment and ‘deathblow’ to me.

I reach a particularly low point and upon hearing an idea from a friend, I stop eating. A self imposed punishment with no clear aim or reason. Eleven days in and I’m 9.5 kilos lighter. I start eating again. It would have been quite easy to not do so. I think I made the right decision.

To continue reading Paul’s story see: Anatomy of a Deadbeat Dad part two 

— Picture credit: PinkMoose

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Anatomy of a Deadbeat Dad part two

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Part two of three……..

2013:

Years pass and I have slowly, and only partially rebuilt my life. I now see my eldest but I know she is irreparably damaged by what has passed. I can find no peace but I keep going because it’s the best I can now offer my daughter. I am not allowed to see my youngest. I’m deemed too dangerous and too much time has passed according to the family judge. She has the option of looking for me when she reaches 18; she’s 9 now, has not seen me for 4 years and has had her name (illegally) changed by my ex wife – not much chance of my daughter locating me or knowing how I feel about her. Our state enforced separation is complete and unbreakable.

Outwardly I am strong but I am aged beyond my years. My bloodhound face shows a place in time further away than reality might otherwise correct. At night I sometimes lose my battle with control when it is silent and dark, the absence of distraction prompting memories, sometimes tears but I usually stop myself. Its always my youngests face that I see in those dark moments. I switch on the light to burn away the sadness. Unlike others I actually long to go into the light. Ironic. It removes the pain and is a happier place to be.

I am now moved far away and I have started a new life where no one knows me, no one judges. I have new friends but I fear being close to another human. I have learned that the closest and most precious can be removed in an instant. Just like that – here one moment, gone the next. Self preservation dictates imposed distance and a barrier with others to prevent loss. If your children and wife can disappear without warning, why would anyone else be there for you, or a safer bet? Here and gone. Here and gone. When I think about it I see my heart encased in a turtle like shell, safe and unpenetrateable.

2014:

Its been 5 years and I want to love but thats a whole world of trust away from what I’m probably fully capable of. Time may change this, we’ll see. For love, I’ve found is a weakness and cannot be offered lightly. I find that instead I give my love to external causes because they can never be taken away. They help to remove the guilt of my own stupidity that fateful day in 2009. There’s always someone else in greater need and it serves to remind me where I’ve been, and how lucky I now am to have what little I now have. I work, I travel by bus (no more sports car for me), I cook and I clean a lot. The apartment needs to be clean to negate the bad shit hidden deep down below. I can no longer deal with disorder because it is symbolic that I have lost control and could at any time spiral back down into the vortex of pain, and drown.

Sometimes I lie in bed late at the weekend and hold onto to a bracelet that my youngest gave to me when I last saw her. I like to twirl it between my fingers and keep it in my curled palm. It is coated in silver but I have worn it away to the darker metal underneath. It smells of her, at least it does to me but maybe that is a trick of my mind. Maybe it just smells of metal but that would mean that she is gone, so its not that.

Today:

I wish I had not done what I did that day. I made a terrible mistake and the price I’ve paid is far too high. My children are suffering, and I am too. My father died penniless and ill, his last days devoid of grandchildren because of my stupid error.

If I could relive that moment in 2009 I would do things differently. I have lived to regret each moment since. In my next life I resolve to act differently, for my children’s sake not mine. I accept that in this life I have failed them.

My dream is that someday, someone will right this wrong in a way that I am unable to, that I could see my youngest, give her a hug and tell her that I love her. That I’ve missed her beyond words these last 5 years. I am resigned to the fact it will not happen.

All the things that my wife told the police that fateful day, and later the family courts have made that impossible. Since then, everything that I love and have made is lost. Worst by far the loss  of children. My youngest is now without me as her father. All of it was so needless and so avoidable if only I had not made that one mistake, that one momentary loss of control.

My crime?

On that morning in 2009 I found that my wife had been having yet another affair. Bored at successfully achieving her childhood dream of being a housewife in a large house whilst hubby slaves in the city, she decided to fill her time with risky sex. I found that she had transferred our joint money into her own name and that she planned to suddenly disappear. One email she sent to a prospective lover she met through sugardaddie.com still burns in my brain:

“My life is so perfect but I am selfish, and I want more. Is that so bad?”

I confronted her calmly. For that I was later interviewed and dragged through hell by the police and everything stripped from me by the family courts. My children, my career, my home, my father, my dignity. My very soul dragged from me, shot, burned and stamped into the ground.

My wife’s reaction was to physically attack me, her plans disrupted before they could be enacted. Much later I discovered that she had done this before with two former partners so this was hardly something new to her. I did not know of her past throughout our time together. With each man she destroyed she perfected her art. She honed her skills as the expert hunter and the state willingly provided the weaponry for her next prey.

My crimes were to call 999 when she’d attacked me and would not stop. She was much smaller than me but was driven by a psychotic rage that I’d not seen in another human. It was a momentary choice for me; likely hurt her to forcibly stop the attack, or dial 999.

To find out what happened next see: Anatomy of a Deadbeat Dad part three

Anatomy of a deadbeat dad part three

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Part three of three…..

My wife was on my back clawing at my neck trying to rip at my skin where my jugular vein is. She was by any measure a woman possessed. She was still on my back when I dialled 999 and shouted out that I was being attacked and our home address. I threw the phone down, heaved her off my back and shut myself in the kitchen. I heard her storm upstairs screaming in rage. She returned calm a few minutes later and spoke through the door. And then the moment of my real crime.

She quietly instructed me to call off the police and that if I refused she would ensure I lost everything, that I would be thrown out of our home and that I would never see any of my children again. That everything I had ever worked for would be taken from me. That I would be accused of the most horrific crimes and that she would ensure everyone would hear of it. No one would believe me and that her background in social services meant she knew exactly how to turn the system on me. She promised that I would live to regret this day for the rest of my life and that she would never stop until I was destroyed. I didn’t think about it. I responded quietly that it was too late, that she had gone too far this time. She would have to deal with the consequences of her actions.

When the police arrived, I told them what had happened. I did so quietly, still deep in shock. She told them a very different version between dramatic bouts of bloodcurdling wails to ensure our neighbourhood would be in no doubt who the true victim here was. They could not fail to see our marital embarrassment, advertised as it was with a sea of revolving blue lights in our sleepy cul de sac.

She was at least honest in one sense; she kept her last promise to me.

If I had my time again I would not have made that call to the police. It only made things infinitely worse. And if in my time again I made the mistake of calling them, I would reflect upon it and would undoubtedly call them off before they arrived. I was stupid to believe that I could defy what I later came to know as the God of Duluth. It is an all powerful god and I AM the disposable gender in her Book of Righteousness. The thing you my reader will disbelieve could happen as reported, is exactly the view I myself had held until I found otherwise. I was wrong and so are you if you do not understand how it works. Domestic Violence legislation works well. It protects the weak, but not always the victim. It punishes the male, but not always the perpetrator. It rewards the female for her being brave in coming forward with her claims, but not always the person telling the truth.

The fact is, our Domestic Violence legislation and protective mechanisms served to destroy not only my life but that of my 3 girls and a dying father. And therein lies a bitter irony; that in it’s efforts to right a wrong by applying a gendered response it ended up hurting more females than males.

I have learned that all it takes to remove a mans life (and of all those that depend upon him) is one single lie uttered from the lips of a crying woman. It matters not how ridiculous and obviously untrue that lie, only that it comes from the lips of a women demanding state protection. There is no come back, no reversal of the permanent damage that is wrought thereafter.

Once the train wreck is in motion it does not stop.

All I had to do that day was to accept my newly imposed life as a cuckold, to do exactly as I was told and to not aspire to believe that anyone would come to my aid.  If I had done as is expected of me, Then I might be better off now. More importantly, my children might still have a father and an identity that they were born with.

My detractors are absolutely right; there really is no smoke without fire. I was in fact guilty of a heinous crime. I was guilty of gross naivety; believing that the police would help me, that blood under her nails and multiple lacerations to my neck and chest would be evidence ample of victim and perpetrator, that her initial admission she had attacked me would not later be ignored by police as ‘inconvenient’, that judges cared about the truth and that social services would actually investigate what they had been ordered to. I was wrong on all these counts and many more.

Duluth reigns supreme over us and all must kneel down before her and obey. Duluth is the all powerful matriarch.

All hail Duluth. All hail Duluth.

—THE END—

“My daughter’s first word was filled with so much strength”

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Do you remember your first word? Me neither. And It’s probably for the best, given the main form of vocabulary I use on a daily basis feature some very choice and colourful language.

Ok, how about this. Your child’s first word.

— This is article #78 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

My daughter’s first clear and distinctive word was one that would consume, cultivate and define everything about me from the very moment it left the mouth of this miniture, somewhat scary impersonation of myself.

Dad. She called me Dad.

In fact, to quote her – “Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad…” and so on, and so forth, until she burped in my face, then fell asleep.

But it was in this brief moment of pure joy, that I realised something. For the first time, I had made a distinct, lasting impression on a little, tiny human being. So much so, that in those few moments, I was everything to her. She called me Dad.

‘My fondest memory of that man was probably the times in his slumber’

But what does that term even mean?

Recently, I had some time to reflect upon my own feelings on that term “Dad”. I tried with vain, to imagine if there was ever a time that I felt the same way about my own father. I didn’t, but hey-ho, we all have our own demons!

I remember vividly, the times growing up in school. You remember, when your best friends, and your worst enemies, would regale and embellish on their own Dads. How awesome they were. The jobs they held. The times they would spend together, as a family. I had very little to offer:

“My Dad doesn’t work. He sits on his arse, asleep a lot. If he’s not on his arse, asleep, he’s lying on the floor, asleep.”

My fondest memory of that man was probably the times in his slumber, when he’d fart. At least he could make me laugh on occasion, even if it was unconscious.

Everyone enjoys the sonic vibrations of a good fart now and then. It wasn’t until I was much older, wiser, and able to blow my own trumpet to the point that it would sound, at times, like a full marching band was playing in my front room, that aside from the occasion to laugh at his flatulence, he had contributed so very little to my upbringing. And to my family as a whole.

Magical moment

It was those memories that shaped me to the man I am today. And to fight with every ounce, and to make a pledge to myself each morning, to never become the disappointment my father was. A decision made all too easy to uphold, by simply remembering back to that magical moment, when my own offspring called ME Dad.

She entrusted me with that role. She inspired me with that word. She made me laugh when she burped.

I wanted nothing more, in that moment, than to try harder. To make something of myself, for my family. I worked in a builder’s merchant. And had very little to my name. I was always low of energy, but always had time and energy for her.

And then my employment ended.

I had been built up, in my own mind, to be a pillar of support for my family. The strength, foundation. I was the main bread-winner then, and here I am now, with no bread.

That little voice of hope

Mmmmmm….bread.

My daughter’s first word was filled with so much strength, and built on so much foundation. It was the word that drove me forward each day. That gave me the want to come home, and hear that word spoken again and again from that little voice of hope in my life.

If I could use one word to describe the person to me, who should have earnt that word, it would be failure. I can’t imagine a time where my own sprogg would use that word to describe me. And yet, dear reader, here I sit. Hopelessly waiting for a reply, a confirmation, anything from the outside world, in a desperate bid to reassure myself that I am not a failure. An opportunity, to build up from the ground. To start again and never show weakness. To never give up, to become that pillar again.

Dad is a fighter. Dad is there for his family. Dad doesn’t give up. Dad perseveres.

Dad usually doesn’t get so deep. Dad usually finds humour, even in the face of adversity.

That’s what a Dad should be.

Dad just farted. Apologies.

—Picture credit:

When he’s not reflecting on the hardships of being a dad, Ant McEwan can be found writing adult-humour based satire on his blog “The Ant McEwan Report”. http://antmcewanreport.blogspot.co.uk/

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

How old is too old to be a dad?

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I always envisaged that I’d be a dad by 25-years-old. I’m not quite sure why I had that milestone in mind – perhaps something to do with the age of my folks who had me in their mid-20s – but it has always been important to me to be on the younger side.

–This is article #63 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

No offence is intended to the older parents out there, but I personally feel that both parent and child miss out if they are unable to play together without fear of putting their back out. Having had a very active childhood myself where, as a family, we’d play sports, do activities and generally frolic around, it has always been key for me to give the same experiences to the fruit of my loins.

At 28-years-old, and the missus being 26-years-old, I don’t consider us to be young by any stretch of the imagination, particularly as I’m a few years behind schedule – I’ll be 29-years-old once the little bundle of joy pops out. Yes, we may not go out like we once did at Uni and our idea of fun now might be walking in the woods with the dog or watching box sets (currently House of Cards for anyone interested), but the truth is we seem to be on the younger side of parenthood.

Average age of mums on the rise

This point has been affirmed with recent trips to the midwife and to the hospital where I struggled to spot anyone who looked anywhere near our age. Perhaps that’s down to bad hospital lighting or a lifetime of excessive alcohol and poor diet, but the most likely reason is because everyone is actually older.

A report from the Guardian last year suggested that the age of mums continues to rise as more and more women delay having a child until later in life. The article reads:

The average age of mothers has continued to increase for almost four decades. It is currently 29.7, but 49% of women are over 30 when their baby arrives.

It [The Office for National Statistics] said on Thursday: “The overall rise since 1973 reflects the increasing numbers of women who have been delaying childbearing to later years. Possible influences include increased participation in higher education, increased female participation in the labour force, the increasing importance of a career, the rising opportunity costs of childbearing, labour market uncertainty, housing facts and instability of partnerships.”

Berkhamsted – ‘too posh for Lidl’

That has certainly been our experience to date. Eavesdropping whilst waiting for the midwife / nurse has meant that we’ve discovered that a 39-year-old having her fourth kid and a 36-year-old having her first baby is actually the norm, much to my surprise.

I’d imagine that our experiences have partly been a consequence of where we reside. Berkhamsted – recently described by the Daily Mail as “The town that thinks it’s too posh for a Lidl” – tends to be inhabited by individuals who have moved out of London to settle down, but still need to easily get to the capital.

As such, and as per the ONS quote above, a career can often be seen as the priority, with kids being delayed until the biological clock has nearly ticked its last tock. In other areas of the UK – and I’m including where I was born in this – getting a partner, settling down and having a kid tends to be the norm for those that don’t go on to Further Education, thus teenage parents is quite common place.

There’s obviously no right or wrong when it comes to age and parenthood (with the obvious caveat being those under 16-years-old!) but I find it interesting that in Scunthorpe we would be old parents, yet in Berkhamsted we are young.

This article was originally published on the DADventurer blog here

Picture Credit: Flickr/Stephan Hochhaus

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Meet the dad NOT chosen for controversial fatherless statue

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The city of Birmingham has been in the news in the past week after unveiling a statue called “A Real Birmingham Family” with two mothers (who are sisters), two children, one more baby on the way, and no dads.

The statue has generated criticism and protest but most of the coverage of the statue has missed the fact that four fathers were amongst the other families shortlisted for the statue.

One of the couples shortlisted comprised a black father, a white mother and their mixed race daughter. In a film for the project, the father Ray Hay said:

“We’re all very close, we’re friends, family should be friends. There’s loyalty, there’s a lot of love and they’re in an out of my daily life.

“Family is extremely important to me, without them you don’t really have a lot. I am in a blessed position that I’m really close to a loving family and that to me is good, it’s almost a cocoon, it’s great

“Between us we can solve all sorts of problems and that’s what family is about.”

Ray met his partner Rachel Wooldridge in Birmingham which is known for it multiculturalism. Ray said:

“You get black and Asian mixing together across one street and that can be a typical street across anywhere in Birmingham. I don’t see any segregation and I go to all parts across Birmingham and it’s friendly, it’s open it’s a nice place to be.

Speaking about the possibility of been chosen to be part of the Real Birmingham Family statue, before the winner was announced, Ray said:

“I guess for me it will be almost immortalising us as part of Birmingham, the heritage. I guess the culture as well, other people up and down the country could see what we are as a modern family.

“It’s also the legacy it leaves behind for the younger generation coming up ad further generations.

“It’s not just your traditional mother and father and 2.4 children anymore and the dog. it’s now the multicultural melting pot. To me that’s quite important because that does show modern society and how things are these days. I think it’s a great thing. It will be amazing.”

To see all the families shortlisted for project see: www,arealbirminghamfamily.com

—Picture Credit: Birmingham News Room

UK universities pay mums 60 times more parental leave pay than dads

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Some of UK’s most generous universities are paying mums over 60 times more when they take parental leave, than some dads are being paid, according to research by the University and College Union (UCU).

The maternity pay for a full-time lecturer on £31,645 a year, for example, ranges from £7,864 which is paid at 34 universities, to £17,619 paid at Oxford, Manchester and Birbeck universities. This top rate of maternity pay is 64 times more than the derisory £276.28 offered to dads working at the 10 least generous universities in the UK.

Even the most generous university for dads, which according to the UCU data is Queen’s University Belfast, only offers new fathers three weeks’ leave on full pay, a deal worth about £1,825.50 for a lecturer on £31,645 a year. This figure is over four times less than the lowest maternity pay on offer at universities and nearly ten times less than the highest maternity pay.

According to a spokesman for the Universities and Colleges Employers Association, this pattern may well be repeated across the public sector. In an interview with the Times Higher Education he said:

“Policies found in universities are in line with other major sectors, such as the NHS (two weeks’ full pay) and local government, including school teachers, which usually offer one week at full pay and one week at the statutory rate

Sally Hunt, UCU general secretary, said that flexible and paid leave for dads is vital to help them to participate in their children’s upbringing, which research shows benefits child development and women’s working lives.

“Institutions should recognise the benefits of shared parenting by ensuring partners get adequate paid leave to participate in the early years of their children’s lives,” she told the Times Higher Education.

—Picture: Flickr/Nina Matthews

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Five tips on fatherhood for my teenage son

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What lessons should dads pass on to their children about fatherhood? Jeremy Davies of the Fatherhood Institute shares his top five tips for his teenage son.

—This is article #4 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

As far as I know, my 15 year old son has no immediate plans to become a father. But he’s talked in terms of wanting children when he’s older, as most of us probably do when we’re that age.

So as his dad, and after a decade of studying and advocating for involved fatherhood through my work with the Fatherhood Institute, I thought perhaps I ought to get my pipe and slippers out and share some wisdom on the subject, before he makes me a granddad.

Here are my five top tips:

  1. Don’t work too hard

Modern life is expensive and you’re going to feel the pressure, probably even more than I did, to spend a lot of time and energy on paid work so you can afford it all. Add kids into the mix and life certainly isn’t going to get any cheaper.

But do try to resist the temptation to become a workaholic. If you decide you want to be a dad, you really need to be available and accessible to your children – even if sometimes you’ll wish you could escape and run back to the grown-ups.

Nobody ever lay on their death bed wishing they’d spent more time at work, and plenty of us, men especially, regret not spending more time with our families.

  1. Yes, the washing up too

People often talk about fathers as if they matter because of their distance from the ‘real’ parenting work. We’re cast as the fun ones who pop up with presents and take the kids out to play, who step in to impose discipline, or act as a ‘role model’.

Anyone who peddles this kind of nonsense generally believes that men should be breadwinners, and women are the ‘natural’ caregivers. Please don’t buy into this view.

Earning money is important, but that shouldn’t be all down to you, any more than the other stuff should be all down to your child’s mother (contrary to popular belief, you’re designed to be just as capable of that)

So steer clear of anyone who wants you for your pay packet, and set your stall out from the start as a hands-on dad. It’s the day-to-day involvement that will set you on the road towards a really close relationship with your children. And yes, I’m afraid that does include doing the washing up.

  1. Earn a seat at the ‘top table’

If you were to set up a business with a friend, you’d want both of you to be ‘on top of it all’, so you could make joint decisions and, when necessary, leave the other to get on with it and not mess things up.

There’s no single best way to approach the ‘business’ of parenting. So it’s not necessarily the case that you and your child’s mother have to do literally equal amounts of earning and care-giving (the technical term for ‘the other stuff…including washing up’) at any given time. But after decades of progress towards gender equality, you might want to think about that as your benchmark.

My own view, for what it’s worth, is that parents tend to work best together when each of them plays a significant role in earning the money that makes the business viable, and in doing the dirty work required to develop the end-product (a happy, well-adjusted child who keeps his feet off the seats on public transport).

That’s just an opinion…but even if you disagree (damn that independent streak of yours) the evidence is there that by spending time early on becoming a sensitive parent, you’ll put yourself in a better position to help your child thrive.

And if you both get good at the care-giving, successful co-parenting – sharing the decision-making and coordination of the ‘parenting business’ (so both of you are ‘bosses’ at home) – is more likely to follow. And that’s good too.

So chuck out the gender stereotypes and get stuck in. Trust me, you’re a testament to how well this stuff works.

  1. Stand up and be counted

As a hands-on dad, a lot of the time you’ll feel like a square peg in a very round hole. The world’s still set up as if parenting is a game for girls. Things are changing, but sloooooowly.

So expect to have to stand your ground at work – or if necessary jump off the career ladder altogether – to achieve the balance you want.

As things stand, our highly gendered parenting leave system does little to encourage employers to support you as involved dad

Don’t be surprised if midwives and health visitors ignore or talk over you, if schools address everything to mum, and if people stare at you or make stupid comments that suggest you’re a slacker and second-class parent.

Be brave, little man. Enjoy and stay proud of your role as an involved father, and whenever you get the chance, do what you can to change others’ attitudes. The more dads kick against the system, the more balanced the world will be by the time your children become parents.

  1. You don’t have to do any of this

Finally, once you’ve thought about all that, please remember the following…

Lots of us have it in us to be great parents, but there’s a big wide world out there, full of wonderful things to see and do.

So find what makes you happy.

The planet’s pretty full already, and lots of people find fulfilment without reproducing. Hell, there’s even some evidence that they have happier relationships as a result.

So if happiness for you includes having kids, that’s great – but if you’re going to do it, do it right. Or just don’t have them. Either is fine.

Now finish your homework. Oh and your room needs tidying, by the way…

—Picture Credit: Flickr/Stephan Hochhaus

Jeremy Davies is head of communications at the Fatherhood Institute, you can follow their work on facebook and @fatherhoodinst. 

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

 

 

So much for sex equality, ZERO per cent of Brits think mums should work more than dads

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Is the idea that men should have the same choices as women when it comes to balancing career and family the last remaining taboo in the gender revolution?  Glen Poole examines the evidence. 

What’s the biggest remaining taboo when it comes to male and female gender roles in 21st Century Britain? Is it women being soldiers or men being midwives? No, it’s neither, because while 11% of people think women shouldn’t be soldiers and 16% think men shouldn’t be midwives, there is ZERO per cent support amongst the British public for mums working more than their male partners.

That’s correct ZERO per cent.

And this statistic doesn’t come from a straw-poll taken down my local pub or a Mickey Mouse survey of 100 shoppers in the Milton Keynes branch of Mothercare last Tuesday—this comes from the 30th British Social Attitudes survey, which is described as “a critical gauge of public opinion [which is] used by the Government, journalists, opinion formers and academics”.

So this isn’t a survey that makes a passing contribution to the public discourse on gender once a year, it’s  a highly influential survey  that informs the Government policies which shape our everyday lives as men and women. According to the survey’s authors, the “gender role revolution”, which took off if the second half of the 20th Century has been matched by a marked change in public attitudes since they began collecting data in the early Eighties.

In 1984, for example, 45 per cent of men and 41 per cent of women agreed with this statement: “A man’s job is to earn money; a woman’s job is to look after the home and family”. By 2012 only 13 per cent of men and 12 per cent of women agreed.

So is the sexual revolution complete?

If you think that the sexual revolution is all about transforming women’s roles and opportunities, then the job is all but done when it comes to public attitudes. Only 13% of people agree with the man-hunt-woman-cook approach to gender and it’s a belief that’s fading fast with each passing generation. In total, while 28% of those over 65 support the gendered division of labour, only 4% of 18-25 year olds share this view.

But before we chaps throw our bowler hats in the hair and join our womenfolk in a chorus of Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves, what about the question of gender that is so taboo, that is doesn’t even warrant a passing mention in the narrative of the British Social Attitudes survey? I’m talking about the radical idea that dads might earn less than their partners.

You see, the idea that women take sole responsibility for home and family may well have disappeared and yet women, on average, still take prime responsibility for the home. This idea is covered quite extensively in the survey under the heading “attitudes have changed but have behaviours?” which provides the following factoids:

  • 6 in 10 women consider they do more than their fair share of the household work
  • Both men and women agree, that women spend much more time a week on average, both on household work and looking after family members

Is this the last big gender taboo?

But nowhere in the survey does anyone ask if women do their fair share of paid work. In fact the survey simply accepts the culturally held given that when it comes to family life, men will always be the primary breadwinners.

So while there has been a seismic shift away from the belief that women should be solely responsible for taking care of home and family—any movement away from the belief that women should the primary homemakers, while men should be the main breadwinners, is imperceptible.

This shows up in two key questions in the report. Firstly in questions about attitudes towards parental leave, which asked how mums and dads should share this entitlement. What they discovered was that 59% of us think women should take all or most of the parental leave entitlement, while 22% think it should be shared equally. The rest of us either haven’t got an opinion or think that nobody should be entitled to parental leave. But what about, dads taking all or most of the parental leave, well:

ZERO percent thought dads should take all or most parental leave

The second area of the survey that reveals a total lack of support amongst the British public for the idea that mums should “lean in” and take primary responsibility for paid work while dads “lean out” and take primary responsibility for the home and kids, is found in the answers to this question:

“What is the best and least desirable way for a family with child under school age to organise family and work life by sex.”

What this question reveals is possibly the most deeply ingrained, sexist belief, that is held by both men and women and impacts the life choices available to every young man and woman in the country.

In 21st Century Britain this is how we still think about gender roles:

  • 69% of us think dad should be the primary earner
  • 9% of us think mum and dad should share the earning responsibility equally
  • 19% of us are undecided
  • ZERO percent think mum should be the primary earner

There is very little difference between men’s and women’s attitudes on this question:

  • 71% of men and 68% of women think dad should be the primary earner
  • 9% of men and 10% of women think think mum and dad should share the earning responsibility equally
  • ZERO percent of men and women think mum should be the primary earner

What choice do men have?

What’s striking about this survey (apart from the fact that it fails to even question these ingrained beliefs that men should be the primary earner), is the lack of choice available to men, compared with women.

For women, there is fairly even support for the three main options of motherhood, which are to stay at home, to work part time or to work full time. As the survey reveals:

  • 33% of us think mums should stay at home until the children start school
  • 43% think mums should work part time until the children start school
  • 28% think mums should work full time once the kids start school

This range of choices simply isn’t available for most men, so much so, that the question of whether dads should stay at home, work part-time or work full-time isn’t even asked in the survey. What we can read from other questions in the survey is that:

  • 73% of us think dads should work full time
  • 5% of us think dads should work part time
  • ZERO percent of us think dads should stay at home full time

When you take this into account, it’s little wonder that there’s a “gender pay gap”; that dads get sidelined from their children’s lives when parents are separated and that men don’t do their “fair share” of unpaid work.

So how do we respond to this? Do we demand equal opportunities and choices for men? Do we demand that women start to do their fair share of paid work? Or do we simply accept that men and women have different and unequal desires when it comes prioritising career and family? We’d love to hear your views…….

—Photo credit: Flickr/Antony Pranata

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Article by Glen Poole author of the book Equality For Men

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