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Why men and women should unite against the patriarchy

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Darren Ball is right and describes it well. The real enemy is patriarchy, a system that despises men who are weak or vulnerable, and does nothing to support fathers’ greater involvement in caring, because that means them working less and competing less to get to the top.

I gave up my international career to work from home – I am an embarrassment to patriarchy (and proud of it). I never quite saw it that way, till I read Darren’s piece, so thank you, Darren!

If patriarchy is a common enemy between advocates for both men and women, then it follows that collaboration is a rational way forward.

It so happens that I read Darren’s article and watched the film, Pride, on the same long journey to San Francisco to attend the world’s biggest annual fatherhood event. When I was not laughing myself out of my tiny seat at the back of Air France economy, I was thinking: if London gays and lesbians can find common cause with Welsh miners and their mums, then surely the different opponents of patriarchy can find common cause against a common enemy?

Just do it

The gays and lesbians did not propose conditions to the Welsh miners before they showed solidarity, even though they feared for their own safety. They just did it, with hilarious and amazing consequences. Welsh miners ended up leading London’s Gay Pride March in 1985.

Which brings us to feminism. In all the articles I read on Inside Man (and I read every one), there is a persistent misunderstanding about feminism – namely, that it is uniform. This is not so. When it comes to men, feminism is diverse, and if our aim is to change things, rather than to be righteous, then we have to understand this fact and work with it.

Within feminism there is a long tradition that only the total dismantlement of patriarchy can deliver its aims. Feminists in this tradition reach out to men who are fighting patriarchy too. It’s not because these feminists happen to be nice, but because they are being strategic.

‘An unholy alliance’

When I was CEO of the Fatherhood Institute, I was invited by such feminists, led by one Minister in the then Government, to join the board of the Equal Opportunities Commission. I accepted wholeheartedly – they needed fatherhood advocates and we needed them.

There is another very different belief: that not only is patriarchy a problem, but men also. Glen Poole has observed this many times. I have seen it in family services, in a lack of ability to engage with male vulnerability. A father who is struggling (e.g. with employment, housing or parenting skills) tends not to be seen as someone who needs help, but as someone who has made foolish choices and needs to change.

The underlying belief is that men have power, and so are responsible for their own misfortunes. Many vulnerable men buy into this, and so do not seek help when they need it. The deep irony of this, as Darren points out, is that it is actually a position that sits very comfortably alongside patriarchy – an aversion to male weakness and vulnerability.

I encounter this unholy alliance in my work to promote real sharing of caring responsibilities. When it comes to encouraging the sharing of caring roles between women and men, our system of leave entitlements is a shambles – and the system coming in this April will fail just like all the others did. Our rejection of the principles that have worked for decades in other countries is no co-incidence.

‘Torpedoed by the maternal lobby’

Each time the debate about leave entitlements comes round – once every five years – proposals for real change are tabled. Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg and his team came up with some amazing ideas last time round. But they were immediately torpedoed by maternal lobbies who argue that if men get hold of leave entitlements on an equal basis, they will abuse women by forcing them back to work and stopping them breastfeeding. (Scandinavian men don’t do this, as it happens, but who knows what British men could get up to!) Only women in UK can be trusted with leave entitlements, for them to share out at their own discretion if they wish.

This, combined with the quiet threat from the business sector, which does not want to see men taking any time off work, is enough to see any proposals that would actually work to enable sharing wiped off the slate before they are even public. Nick Clegg did the best he could, but the new leave arrangements simply won’t allow more sharing of roles.

Note the dynamics here: this bit of the campaign against patriarchy is supported by women and men and opposed by women and men, with feminists and non-feminists on both sides. The true battle is nothing like how it is commonly depicted.

I do not like reading about feminists and anti-feminists arguing with each other. I lose the will to live if I read too much of it. I do understand it though: if you see or experience real pain and suffering, and then people absolutely deny it or mock it, then it is truly enraging. But at that moment we have a choice. We can make demands to be accepted unilaterally by the other side, something that never works, or do what the London gays and lesbians did, unilaterally offer solidarity.

All the time that the shouting continues in social media, there are real advocates for the vulnerable, be they women or men, who work day in day out to make real change happen on the ground.

Really changing things requires partnership and strategy, not righteousness.

Duncan Fisher was one of the founders and CEO of the Fatherhood Institute and is currently developing a project called MumsAndDadsNet

Duncan is also developing a campaign for shareable leave entitlements, creating an alliance between all the interested parties in order to be strong next time the Government changes things. If you are interested, please contact Duncan.

Photo: Batega

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Report from Dad 2.0 conference

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What goes on at a fatherhood conference? Duncan Fisher reports from the latest Dad 2.0 conference held in San Francisco this month.

The fatherhood field is changing. A new phenomenon is emerging in US, the land of unlimited confidence and enterprise. A grass roots community of fathers on-line is starting to campaign for social change.

We’ve had campaigners, and we’ve had fathers on-line, but not the two together. And there is another significant new development to support this – money is coming into fatherhood. Dove, Lego, Kia, Esquire, Best Buy, Hasbro, Netgear are all after fathers. The “dadvertising” around the 2015 Super Bowl (dubbed #daddybowl) will mark a turning point in the history of 21st century fatherhood.

I have waited and wished for this moment for 10 years and in San Francisco this month at the Dad 2.0 Summit, I saw it. Better than that, I was part of it!

The video of the summit sets a new agenda, both in its tone and in what it says. A community of bloggers is becoming a movement – leaders, fighters, organisers and influencers for change.

There is now open rebellion by men against the patriarchal norms still lurking around, which despise emotion, vulnerability and care in men. Dove has captured the moment with its #realstrength campaign. Real strength is the ability to show love and tenderness – it is the pole opposite of the strength of the patriarch. I think Dove has got the messaging spectacularly right. There was a celebratory tone at the conference: men really are walking the talk.

At the same time, again and again speakers were able to admit to their own sense of vulnerability. Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) read a beautiful blog post about the crushing of his confidence by the rejection of his two-year-old in favour of mum, matched only by the crushing of her confidence when the allegiance flips the other way. How I remember those moments (as I now experience the new wave of the confidence busting teenage years).

The ideal modern dad

One setback and it resonates with all the doubting questions that are swilling about everywhere. It is not just “am I a useless dad?” but “are all dads useless?” and “am I biologically pre-determined to be useless?” and “should I just give up and go back to work where men actually belong and leave this to women?” and “am I just unable to live up to the new modern ideal of the dad?”

As I was sitting in the luscious Kia hatchback (wondering just how long elegant cream leather would last the onslaught of toddlers), I asked the marketing guys watching over their precious toy, why they have suddenly switched to dads. The answer was simple: advertising to mums has reached saturation point and they have to find another way forward. And when it comes to buying things, as with everything else in family life, research shows that dads are a whole lot more influential than the conventional world-is-flat wisdom would have it.

The Dad2.0 summit, now in its fourth year, was directly instrumental in persuading Dove to go for fatherhood at the Super Bowl, and this has created a domino effect. This is going to have big consequences from now on. The massively maternal focus of absolutely everything to do with babies – even the stuff for and about dads has actually been produced with little effort to appeal to men – is all driven by commercial interests. Babycenter, Bounty and Mumsnet are founded on this money. Now their commercial backers are going to start saying they want to appeal to dads – really to connect with them, understand them, like them, create stuff they actually read. The earth is moving.

We need Dad2.0 in Europe. Anyone reading this who’d be interested to be involved, do get in touch!

—Photo Credit: Dad 2.0

Duncan Fisher was one of the founders and CEO of the Fatherhood Institute and is currently developing a project called MumsAndDadsNet.

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

10 Great British writers on men’s issues you should read keep an eye on in 2015

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As Christmas approaches and 2014 draws to a close, our news editor Glen Poole lists some of his favourite writers on UK men’s issues.

As I drew up this list I was struck at how vibrant the conversation about men’s issues has become in the past year. This is partly because of the growth of online media like the wonderful insideMAN (of course); partly because more people who have been around the men’s movement for years are taking time to publish their thinking and partly because there are (I think), more people than ever before engaged in conversations by, for and about men in the UK and worldwide.

This is good news and I for one would love to see this list of writers growing exponentially in 2015. If we are to tackle the many different issues affecting men and boys  then it is vital that we build a critical mass of people who are informed about men’s issues and engaged in conversations that make a difference.

If you don’t write yourself, you can still play your part by reading, commenting on and sharing what these writers have to say. You could also become a writer yourself in 2015 and share your thinking with the world. If you have an idea for an article then why not get in touch with insideMAN? Make it your resolution for next year.

Also,  if there are people writing about men’s issues that you admire and think we should be aware of do please let us know in the comments section.

Enough of the preamble. Here, in no particular order, is my list of favourite UK men’s issues writers from 2014:

1. Ally Fogg

If you don’t know him yet, Ally Fogg is a left-wing social commentator who has carved a regular slot for himself at The Guardian’s Comment Is Free section where he has become their “go to guy” for men’s issues. While he writes on various subjects, his dedication to the gender conversation is such that he blogs regularly on the subject at Freethought Blogs where a lively debate is guaranteed under each article. I admire Ally for his rigour in digging through research and statistics that others don’t bother with and for  attempting to view each argument on its merits rather that from a position of ideological prejudice—and he’s a lefty so you can generally rely on him to see the world from a “patriarchy hurts men too” perspective.

Classic Ally Fogg article: The five little words that betrayed Emma Watson 

2. Neil Lyndon

2014 has seen the welcome return of Neil Lyndon to the “men’s issues” debate with regular contributions at Telegraph Men. Neil was one of the first men to dare to put forward the radical idea that men and boys, as a gender, experience sexism, discrimination and inequality. This simple idea is still as radical today as it was over 20 years ago when he first published his seminal work on men women, No More Sex War. He is older, perhaps more socially conservative than Fogg and while he is more connected to men’s issues on a personal level seems to have less understanding of how social policy on gender is practically delivered. However, he is no ranting, irrational misogynist; he is a rigorous and intellectual commentator whose writings provide a vital, counter-cultural viewpoint from the frontline of gender politics.

Classic Neil Lyndon article: Abortion: why aren’t men allowed a say? 

3. Duncan Fisher

I’ve know Duncan longer than anyone on this list as he commissioned my first ever article about “men’s issues” nearly 15 years ago, for  a website called Fathers Direct (a project that became the Fatherhood Institute). Duncan is the most pro-feminist man on this list. He believes that men’s equal participation in parenting is key to delivering equality for women, but rather than taking the finger wagging “why don’t men pull their weight” approach, he proudly advocates for the benefits of involved parenthood and highlights the barriers that prevent men from having an equal opportunity to be an involved parent. I find Duncan’s “Mums and Dads Net” facebook page a useful source of articles I wouldn’t otherwise find and have to commend him for producing the most popular insideMAN article of 2014—four reasons feminism is alienating teenage boys.

Classic Duncan Fisher article: “Do men do their fare share of housework?” This is a sexist statement.

4. Chris  Good 

In contrast to the old hands like Fisher, Fogg and Lyndon; Chris Good is a newcomer who’s made his mark in the past few months. At the risk of sounding like Louis Walsh on the X-Factor—he reminds me of a young Neil Lyndon. He seems raw from  personal experience and driven to make sense of the debate around gender and find a way to make it work for both men and women (as demonstrated by the name of his blog is All For Equality). Chris has taken a stand against the feminist narrative around gender and writes in an open, vulnerable and honest way as a man who seems to be evolving and defining his own gender politics as he writes. He gained some notoriety this year by having his articles removed from the newly formed Huffington Post Men, but more interesting than this incident is the intelligent way he responded to it (see classic Good below):

Classic Chris Good vlog: Feminism has the power to silence opposition in the media

5. Martin Daubney 

Just like Chris Good, Martin Daubney has the sense of a writer who’s developing his gender politics and working out his perspective with each new article. Like Chris, he’s critical of feminism, but not coming from an entrenched anti-feminist perspective, rather questioning feminist perspectives on gender and inviting discussion and debate. Daubney has the additional advantage of a having an existing track record as a journalist and editor as the longest serving editor of Loaded magazine. He has been writing on men’s issues at Telegraph Men throughout 2014.

Classic Martin Daubney article: Why men have a problem with the word feminism 

6. Dan Bell

Dan’s my partner in crime at insideMAN and has been pushing mainstream media outlets to talk about men’s issues as a journalist for several years now, having worked for both BBC and ITN online (amongst others). Dan’s writing is rooted in journalistic integrity and you can rely on him to bring rigour and balance to his writing about men’s issues as his investigative work into funding for men’s health initiatives revealed in 2012. However, the writing I most enjoy from Dan happens when he puts himself into the story whether that’s visiting a military rehabilitation centre, recalling a fight between two women or reflecting on a conversation about boys between mothers on  a London bus.

Classic Dan Bell article: Why Kitchener’s finger gives me the arsehole

7. Karen Woodall 

The only woman on this list and deservedly so. Karen works on the frontline with men and women who are alienated from their children after separation is groundbreaking. She’s had her mind on the challenges of gender inequality for years and after decades of approaching life as a proud feminist, she is now a born again anti feminist. I don’t listen too carefully to her passionate anti-feminist tirades—like a scorned lover I know she only has bad things to say about feminism—but her writing about the reality of working with men and women and children on the frontline of family breakdown is peerless. The world needs more Karen Woodalls! If you want to take an in depth journey into gender politics of social policy in 2015, start reading Karen’s blog on a regular basis.

Classic Karen Woodall article: Gas-lighting masculinity: the dimming of post-separation fatherhood

8. John Adams

It’s great to see the growing number of UK daddy bloggers who are taking time to record their experiences of fatherhood—many of whom you can see featured at Love All Dads. My personal favourites are those who can step back and see their experience within the context of broader gender politics. A great example is John Adams who can go from writing articles about baby changing facilities and men’s fashion ranges to interviewing Nick Clegg or an SNP representative on Scotland’s Equal Opportunities Committee. You can follow John on at Dad Blog UK.

Classic John Adams article: Discussing family friendly, flexible working with Nick Clegg 

9. Milo Yiannopoulos

Milo Yiannopoulos is a controversial journalist and entrepreneur who appears to have been drawn into the gender debate via his interest in technology. He is writing a book on GamerGate which in his words “represents a brutal clash of worlds: put-upon, basement-dwelling nerds and the bloggers and feminists who have for years been claiming that video games are hateful, misogynistic and should be censored”. As a highly intelligent, provocative and influential writer (currently writing at Breitbart and Business Insider) he has recently positioned himself as a fearsome defender of men who feel unfairly attacked by feminism. Whether he continues to write on “men’s issues” in 2015 remains to be seen.

Classic Milo Yiannopoulos article: What is ‘manspreading’ and why are people angry about it?

10. Glen Poole

I know, I know it’s highly self-congratulatory to list yourself as one of your own favourite writers (and definitely weird to refer to yourself in the third person) but I love writing about men’s issues and I do enjoy looking back on my articles from time to time, so stuff it, I’m including myself in this list. If you want to take a look at what I’ve been up to this year, you’ll find much of it here at insideMAN; my Guardian and Telegraph articles are bookmarked over at Journalisted and then there’s one article at Huffington Post Men that I may add to in the coming year.

Classic Glen Poole article: It’s International Men’s Day so let’s give men a break 

A FEW OTHER WRITERS AND WEBSITES WORTH KEEPING AN EYE ON

—Photo Credit: flickr/Jimmy Brown

Article by Glen Poole author of the book Equality For Men

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Four reasons feminism is alienating teenage boys

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Duncan Fisher  wanted to know what teenage boys feel about feminism, so he invited four of his daughter’s male friends to tell him what they think.

—This is article #65 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

When I was asked to write one of the articles for the #100Voices4Men series I was chuffed. Then followed two months of absolute mental blankness. I watched with increasing panic as articles were published, reaching closer and closer to the 100 mark!

And then my daughter saved me. She reported that there had been a heated argument in an A-level English class at her school about feminism. A week later, I had four 17 year old boys from the English class sitting round our dining room table at home, and this article is about that conversation.

I wanted to know their perceptions of gender inequality and the debate about feminism.

This is a group of young men keenly aware of the concerns of feminism, with a clear view of how the inequalities of concern to feminism are different in different environments. For example take the case of overt sexism in public places: there is none in the streets of our own small community where anonymity is no option, but in cities it is a different story. Idescribed the harassment my youngest daughter has experienced while out running training in Cardiff and everyone in social media is currently debating the story from New York.

And then there is the internet, where sexualisation of women and girls and sexist trolling are rampant. We discussed their perceptions of equality in education. They see a very high level of equality in UK, but see a very different story in other countries and admire the campaigning of Malala Yousafzi.

They do not arrive at the same conclusion as the young man, Josh O’Brien, in article #27 of this series, who takes an anti-feminist view of gender politics. But despite this keen awareness, interest and concern, they don’t engage in the debate on-line: “we never put our point of view across because there is too much hate”.

So what’s the story?

Four things cause real difficulty for these boys:

1. When men who respect women are held responsible for the activities of men who behave horribly towards women

One of the young men said: “The story is that all men are dicks. We are being asked to sort these men out, but we are not responsible.”

It called to my mind the recent complaint by British Muslims about being held to account for the actions of ISIS, leading to a great joke T-shirt: “I’m a Muslim and I am sorry for everything – in the past, present and future”!

Wagging the finger at all young men and saying “repent!” is an incredibly ineffective recruitment strategy and alienates the men and boys equality work most needs.

2. When there is a lack of empathy for men who suffer

The young men are aware of those areas where men fare worse on average than women – relationships with their children after parental separation, access to mental health services, rates of suicide, death in war. A lack of empathy for these issues sends a dark signal. And in areas where the gender balance goes the other way, such as domestic violence or single parenting, why not open up our support equally to all according to need?

3. When statistics are abused

These young men (and, I am sure, countless young women) know that many of the statistics banded about in social media are false – for example the one that says women earn 23% less than men, presented as if women are paid substantially less than men for the same work in a wide range of jobs. They know it cannot be true, because teachers in their school are paid equally irrespective of gender. But they have no doubt there are pay inequalities, though they don’t have the resources to find out the truth of the matter, which is a painstaking and expert task.

They also know that if they do make any attempt at a contradiction, they will draw fire. So, even if they had all the figures, they have no real appetite for pointless rows. So the only option is to shut up. And so stupid statistics fly around in social media, giving people who want a fight a sense of justification for doing so; they are observed from the sidelines by a large silent majority. Actual solutions, which depend on meticulous analysis of what is actually happening, get pushed into the background.

4. Fundamentalism on the internet

Social media spreads outrageous views far faster than reasoned arguments and the social media these boys see every day is awash with fundamentalist views that brook no contradiction. As the boys pointed out, the video of little girls swearing and spouting ridiculous statistics (we all really hate this video) has gone hugely viral.

One boy said: “it keeps on appearing in my feed as the girls I am friends with share it”, fuelling division between teenage boys and girls. The answer: keep a low profile. If you are targeted on-line, everyone can see. The same goes for large numbers of thoughtful teenage girls who would get fired at just as quickly.

What do young men want? 

And so the cause of gender inequality is deprived of its most valuable potential supporters on a grand scale. So I asked the boys, what conditions would have to apply to allow them to feel able to contribute to the debate about equality in the way they would like to?

They said they would need a safe place where they could feel confident they would not be shouted at and publicly humiliated; where their motives were not under immediate suspicion simply on account of their gender. They want protecting against fundamentalism by prominent and leading figures in the campaign for gender equality – people who can defend the sincerity of their interest and allow real discussion. They want to participate with girls and women of like mind.

Let us imagine for one instant what we could do if we could cultivate a strong and confident group of young women and men across the world committed to defending equality and having the tools to do so? A group of people ready to listen to the concerns of the other gender and to campaign together, modelling the kind of partnership between women and men that is predicated by equality?

You can’t have gender equality if you don’t include boys

 

What if all those watching the row about gender on the internet could also glimpse a place where an active, respectful and sincere campaign for equality was being conducted by women and men together?

This may be a pipe-dream. But let us remember: we will never end sexism and gender inequality without the help of boys and men – this has always been the case and will always be. And the first step is to listen to them without judgement, particularly those who are genuinely concerned and wish to participate.

As the boys left our house, they said how great it was to be able to have a sensible conversation about these things. I was struck that this was the first opportunity they had ever had to discuss gender equality without having to self-censor. That’s a big problem.

—Picture credit: David Shankbone

Duncan Fisher was one of the founders and CEO of the Fatherhood Institute and is currently developing a project called MumsAndDadsNet.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

How brain science is proving the ancient importance of fathers. (Or, How Babies Bend Men’s Brains…)

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Duncan Fisher, former CEO of the Fatherhood Institute and founder of MumsandDadsNet, explains why the equal importance of mums and dads isn’t just a matter of opinion — it’s backed by brain science.

The latest research showing that adult brains change in response to caring for children is a game changer – it happens to fathers as well as mothers. The changes in the brains of men who are highly involved in caring for babies are similar to what happens in mothers’ brains.

This latest research, coming hard upon new knowledge about how hormones in men work in response to babies – with a similar pattern of a bigger change with more frequent exposure – fits perfectly with the theory of human childrearing proposed by anthropologists like Sarah Hrdy.

This theory says that babies and children are dependent on group care by adults and that the contribution of men throughout human history has been so substantial and so critical to human survival, albeit very variable in different environments, that human men have evolved substantial capacities to care for infants.

Part of human history

These capacities can remain dormant – in a way that is much less likely for a woman who actually goes through the experience of birth – but they are triggered by exposure to pregnant women and babies. And once triggered, they result in changed lives for both the child and the man who is caring.

This new research also corroborates the evidence that men who are involved a lot in caring for their infants early on are more likely to be highly involved for the remainder of their children’s lives.

I believe this new evidence presents the strongest argument yet of the importance of fathers’ bonding with their babies from the earliest moments – and the evidence shows that it is not just bonding between fathers and their own biological children that can yield these life-long changes. It can be any man. That too is consistent with the human history of group care of infants.

Advocates and champions

Babies who are bonded with men in this way are safer and will do better in their future lives because of it. These children will have more protectors and more advocates and champions.  That’s one of the advantages that group care confers and has been a vital factor in the growth of the human race. Had this not been so for many hundreds of thousands of years, there would have been no evolutionary pressure for human men to develop these strong capacities to bond and to care.

In the modern world, these bonds will give fathers the strength to fight against the forces that do not want fathers to be close to their children – the cultural beliefs that caring is “feminine” and that men are biologically impaired on this front, the feminisation of the whole world of caring for children, the institutional barriers that men face when trying to take time off work and get support in their role as carers, the idea that lack of father involvement is all down to the weakness and uncaring of men.

I rejoice that all over the world we are seeing men who want to be closer to their children than their fathers were to them. I rejoice at the celebration of father-child relationships that is flourishing among teenagers and young adults on social media – Tom Fletcher’s song has got 9.5 million views so far. This is a massive force for good in the world, not just for children but for the whole human race.

What a great privilege I feel it is to work for the protection and promotion of strong relationships between fathers and their babies!

To read more great articles by Duncan and hear about the latest research and thinking on co-parenting, check out www.mumsanddads.com. This article was first published there on June 1 2014.

Photo courtesy: cheriejoyful

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