insideMAN

42% of new dads are not eligible for shared parental leave

by 2 Comments

Two in five (40 per cent) new fathers won’t qualify for new rights to shared parental leave, according to analysis published by the TUC.

From April mothers will be allowed to share up to 50 weeks of their maternity leave and 37 weeks of their pay with their partners.

However, analysis carried out by the TUC shows that two-fifths of working dads with a child under one would be ineligible, mainly because their partner is not in paid work. Mothers who don’t have a job (whether employed or self-employed) don’t have a right to maternity leave or pay that they can share.

The TUC says that it welcomes shared parental leave, but is concerned the new scheme will have a very limited impact because of the rules around eligibility and low statutory pay.

Dads’ rights dependent on mothers’

According to the government’s own projections as few as 5,700 men are expected to apply for shared parental leave over the next year.

The TUC estimates that shared parental leave would be open to around 200,000 more fathers each year if their rights to take leave weren’t dependent on the mother being in work and it was a day one right.

The UK is still decades behind other countries when it comes to rights and financial support for new dads, says the TUC.

In countries like Denmark, Norway and Portugal fathers can take paternity leave at 100 per cent of their normal earnings. And in countries like Sweden and Germany families are given extra money if fathers share parental leave more equally with their partner.

75% of poorest dads don’t take full leave

By contrast, statutory paternity pay in the UK is just a quarter of the median weekly wage for full-time male employees and just over half the weekly wage for a worker earning the national minimum wage for a 40-hour week.

Half (50 per cent) of new dads don’t take their full entitlement to two weeks statutory paternity leave – a rate that rises to three in four (75 per cent) for dads on the lowest incomes.

The TUC says that without better rights to leave and pay, many fathers will continue to miss out on playing an active role in the first year of a child’s life.

The TUC wants all new dads to have access to some parental leave that is not tied to their partner’s employment status and is well-paid.

Getting dads involved 

TUC General Secretary Frances O’Grady said: “Shared parental leave is a welcome move but just a small step towards getting dads more involved in their children’s upbringing.

“The UK is still decades behind other European countries when it comes to rights and financial support for new fathers.

“If politicians are serious about men playing a more active role after their child is born they must increase statutory paternity pay and look at introducing some father-only leave that isn’t dependant on their partner being in work.

“Employers must also work more closely with unions who often secure better paternity rights for dads.”

Mums and dads want more 

Mumsnet CEO, Justine Roberts, said: “In a recent survey of Mumsnet users, eight out of ten couples said they would have liked the father to take more paternity leave, and seven out of ten said that financial considerations stopped them from doing so.

“Everyone seems to agree that dads need to be able to spend time with their children, but we don’t yet have the policies that will encourage a real cultural shift.”

Jeremy Davies, from The Fatherhood Institute said:  “International research shows that when fathers take parental leave in addition to their two weeks’ paternity leave, they remain more involved with their children, are happier in their relationships and actually live longer.

“And mothers’ annual earnings increase by seven per cent for every month of parental leave their partner takes.  We need a policy framework that facilitates this for all families.”

The TUC wants the following changes to be implemented:

  • Make fathers’ leave a day one right, as maternity leave is – The TUC estimates that at least one in eleven working fathers are excluded from shared parental leave and paternity leave because they lack the necessary qualifying service with their employer.
  • Introduce an additional month of parental leave and reserve it for fathers only to use – Having some parental leave that is not contingent on a mother’s eligibility to maternity rights would open up paid parental leave to about 200,000 more fathers if the rights were made day one rights as well. It should be paid at 90 per cent of earnings so that most fathers, rather than a tiny minority, use it.
  • Improve statutory pay rates for all leave takers – Relying on employers to top up statutory pay means many families, especially those on low incomes, miss out, says the TUC. Only one in five low-paid fathers gets fully paid paternity leave from their employer and only a quarter of low-paid fathers take their full entitlement to two weeks paternity leave after the birth of their child. Statutory pay for paternity leave and the additional month of father only parental leave, which the TUC proposes, should be increased to 90 per cent of earnings, mirroring the first six weeks of statutory maternity pay.
  • Introduce a paternal/parental allowance for those who don’t qualify for statutory pay – The TUC believes this would benefit over 90,000 self-employed fathers who get no support for taking time off work after they have a child; over 9,000 agency workers who don’t qualify for statutory pay because they’re not employees; and at least 44,000 fathers who are employees but don’t have the necessary length of service to qualify for statutory pay. Such a benefit would mirror the Maternity Allowance which mothers who don’t qualify for Statutory maternity pay can claim.

—Photo: Flickr/TenSafeFrogs

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Dads with mental health problems deserve better

by Leave a Comment

Where there is mental illness, there’s almost invariably social disapproval and discrimination. And a report released by the Australian Institute of Family Studies shows fathers with mental illness can face unique hardships.

By Rhys Price-Robertson, Monash University and Andrea Reupert, Monash University

People already afflicted by mental ill-health often face the additional burden of stigma; of being perceived as having a “spoiled identity”, to use American sociologist Erving Goffman’s evocative term. Indeed, stigma is increasingly recognised as a central issue for the entire mental health field.

For the estimated 20% of Australian mental health service users who have dependent children, stigma can take new forms. Negative stereotypes about parents with a mental illness are rife in the media, in the general public and even among mental health workers.

Parents are judged as incompetent or dangerous based solely on their mental health status. Regardless of how dedicated and capable they are as parents, many end up seeing themselves in the light of these stereotypes. (“I’m bound to screw up my kids somehow.”)

Families can also face “stigma by association”, where the children or partners of a person with mental illness are abused, blamed or avoided because of their family member’s condition. (“Na-na, your dad’s a psycho.”)

What about dads?

But the picture of what such families face has been incomplete. Almost all of the existing research on parenting and mental illness stigma has focused on mothers. There are many reasons for this, including their greater involvement in daily childcare activities and the well-known difficulties of recruiting men into research studies.

The discipline of psychology is only just emerging from decades of mother-blaming, so it’s probably fair that efforts at understanding parents’ stigma have mostly focused on exonerating women from unjust blame and shame.

But there are reasons why it’s important to focus separately on fathers’ experience of stigma. Men may experience mental illness differently to women, often use different strategies to self-manage their problems and are generally more reluctant to seek help for health concerns.

Perhaps most importantly, men and women are subject to different gender and parenting norms. Stigma tracks along gendered lines, with men stigmatised for failing to exhibit “masculine” qualities such as strength, stoicism and self-sufficiency.

Dads and stigma

Stigma is a prominent theme in the review of the research on fatherhood and mental illness released today. It found stigma especially prevalent in qualitative literature, which explores participants’ lived experiences of mental illness and family life.

Many of the fathers who participated in this qualitative research described fatherhood as central to their self-image.

Nonetheless, some felt discriminated against for their (perceived or actual) inability to meet the traditional paternal responsibilities of provider, protector and role-model. Some had internalised this discrimination. They described deep feelings of shame and failure about parenting.

Other fathers saw the welfare system as biased against them. They felt they were automatically viewed as a risk to their children because of their illness, and so were under observation much of the time. A few believed their illness had been unfairly used against them in custody disputes.

Most worrying of all, fathers shared their fear that if they accessed services, or revealed the true extent of their mental health issues, they would be at risk of losing custody of their children.

Unfortunately, there is evidence to support these fathers’ perceptions: a number of Australian and international studies have found that welfare workers often hold negative or ambivalent attitudes towards fathers.

An analysis of the child protection system in the United Kingdom, for instance, identified two dominant discourses about male clients: they were seen as “a threat”, presumed to be violent and manipulative; and they were perceived to be of “no use”, said to spend little time on and have few skills for child rearing.

Families deserve better

There are no simple answers in the fight against stigma. Public education and awareness-raising may help, especially when it seems that the most common catalyst for public discussion of fathers’ mental illness is a man tragically killing his offspring. Peer-support groups and father-sensitive parenting education programs could promote men’s self-empowerment.

The Children of Parents with a Mental Illness (COPMI) initiative provides excellent resource and informational support for families. Such supports include The Importance of Being a Dad, which is specifically designed for fathers in families where a parent has a mental illness.

But COPMI’s remit falls short of the transformative system-wide reform that would be necessary to ensure Australian health and welfare services are capable of effectively engaging fathers with mental ill-health. Efforts at change will falter until we address the discriminatory practices embedded in mainstream service systems.

If parents fear accessing services that would help them become the safe and loving caregivers they are capable of being, then service systems are failing.

If the instruments we use to assess risk in families automatically record parental mental illness as a “risk factor”, regardless of parenting capacity or commitment, then we need new assessment tools.

Parenting is hard enough as it is, and fathers with mental illness tread a more difficult path than most. Ideally, their difficulties would be met by understanding and support. They certainly deserve better than the stigma and discrimination they are currently likely to face.

—Photo: Lloyd Morgan/Flickr

This article was originally published on The Conversation.
Read the original article.

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Don’t sideline dads, they have an influential role to play in breastfeeding

by Leave a Comment

Breastfeeding is one of those topics that all parents have a view on. Whether you love it or hate it, the NHS, the World Health Organisation and UNICEF all recommend breastfeeding to give babies the best start in life.

By Nigel Sherriff, University of Brighton

However, practices on the ground in the UK and further afield are very far from ideal. Recent UK data on breastfeeding from the Infant Feeding Survey suggests that the numbers of women who start breastfeeding shortly after birth are high (81%), but this falls to 34% by six months, and only 1% of these babies are exclusively breast fed. But the numbers of women in the UK and in other countries such as Ireland, France, Germany, Japan, and Canada who then go on to continue to breastfeed remain stubbornly low. Rates of exclusive breastfeeding at six-months-old in the UK are so low that national surveys cite them as “negligible” and don’t even report on rates at nine or 12 months.

Clearly there is a very long way to go before breastfeeding rates reach anywhere near the recommended levels. So what can we do to increase breastfeeding rates? Interventions before and after birth that aim to develop knowledge and skills, bust myths and manage expectations could help – but who should they be aimed at? While it might seem sensible for maternity services to focus their attention solely on mothers, the evidence suggests that fathers also have an important role to play.

Working with dads

A number of writers (myself included) have commented previously and sometimes copiously, on how men and fathers (particularly young men and young fathers) are often rendered invisible from mainstream family services including maternity services. In the case of breastfeeding, this has sometimes been more explicit with fathers reporting that they were ignored by health professionals, made to feel like a “controlling partner” if they asked a question about breastfeeding, or were ostensibly seen as just being “in the way”.

Many men simply want to play a part in parenting from the start. And while acknowledging fears about the potential impact on women and children who may have experienced domestic violence, such fears should arguably provide a reason for working with fathers in public services.

In my view, there is a need to challenge the traditional ways maternity services engage with men and fathers. Rather than seeing fathers as a potential risk or an inconvenience that must be tolerated, we should be looking instead to promote the development of positive father-inclusive services. This is important because fathers remain a valuable yet untapped resource for (breastfeeding) mothers, as well as for health professionals and others who may be supporting breastfeeding.

At the moment, many services either do not engage with men and fathers at all, or do so in somewhat haphazard, tokenistic and sometimes patronising ways. These often include “dad’s groups” that use irritating recruitment hooks like the promise of a game of five-a-side football or a greasy fry-up breakfast.

Such bolt-on efforts are appealing to few and excluding of many. Instead, full, meaningful and systematic involvement and engagement with men and fathers by maternity and other services is crucial. This is because (among other things) the growing research evidence demonstrates that fathers can have a significant impact on breastfeeding rates.

A recent Australian study for example, demonstrated that even a minimal intervention that engages fathers around breastfeeding (antenatal education session and postnatal support), can significantly increase any breastfeeding at six weeks compared to controls.

Other studies have shown that amid a range of social, cultural, socio-economic, and psychological factors, the father is one of the most influential persons in terms of a mother’s decision to initiate and continue breastfeeding. This means that fathers can act as either key supporters or key deterrents to breastfeeding.

Indeed our own research and others’, has shown that in some cases, fathers can be instrumental in the decision to move from breastfeeding to formula. Such decisions appear to be underpinned by various anxieties on behalf of the father, such as not being able to determine how much breast milk the baby is getting, concerns over their partner’s distress from easily treatable (albeit painful) cracked nipples and mastitis, worries about not being able to bond with the baby and the exposure of the breasts when breastfeeding in public.

Engaging with fathers

The positive and negative impact that fathers can have on continuing breastfeeding has been known for some time. Yet what is surprising is that there have been few attempts to develop and roll out health promotion programmes that specifically attempt to engage with fathers. Why? One reason is that the importance and influence of a father’s role in the breastfeeding process is often not recognised or valued by many health professionals.

A further reason is that very few studies have actually teased out exactly what is meant by father support in relation to breastfeeding. Understanding what does and does not define father support is necessary to both inform the design of research studies, midwifery and health visiting practice as well as parents themselves.

In our recent study we attempted to do exactly this by creating a model of what father support is, underpinned by both the research literature and data from parents. Our model focuses on knowledge about breastfeeding, attitudes to breastfeeding, involvement in decision-making, practical support and emotional support – providing “entry points” for health professionals and parents (mothers and fathers) which we hope will be useful in the targeted and meaningful support of breastfeeding couples.

Fathers can be half of the problem when it comes to lower than optimal rates of continued breastfeeding. But they can also be half of the solution. To do so, however, there needs to be recognition of the value of fathers’ role in the process, combined with meaningful and systematic positive engagement by maternity services and health professionals.

This article was originally published on The Conversation.
Read the original article.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 13 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Why we need to celebrate the hell out of fatherhood

by 2 Comments

The world wants to see stories of dads who are motivated to be the best men they can be for their children right now so we should celebrate fatherhood until we break the internet

That’s the view of Doyin Richard who says dads are getting more attention than they’ve ever had in traditional media and social media right now. In an article for Ask Men, he cites the example of the single dad who enrolled on a beauty course to learn how to do his daughter’s hair and the recent spate of positive dad ads broadcast during this year’s American Super Bowl.

These are just the tip of the iceberg he could have added:

  • The dad who chose to divorce his wife to take care of their baby with Downs Syndrome
  • The Baby show’s great celebration of fatherhood
  • The political fighting over who can offer the best paternity leave

The dad who broke the internet 

Richards says it would be great if we could get to the point where dads can demonstrate their dad skills and it’s not be newsworthy—and he’s speaking as a dad who nearly broke the internet himself by being pictured styling his daughter’s hair.  Here’s what he has to say on the matter:

“Even though it’s not unusual for me and millions of dads to care for our kids, the fact is we don’t see enough of it in the news. Like it or not, we know it’s unusual to see a story of a man going to school in effort to create amazing hairdos for his little girl. It touches us emotionally. It makes us smile. It makes us cry. It makes us want to see more. There’s a reason why stories of men drinking beer and watching football on Sunday afternoons don’t go viral.”

“As counterintuitive as it may seem,” says Richards. “The only way to normalize “good fatherhood” is to celebrate it when we see it in the media. In order to normalize good fatherhood, we need to celebrate the hell out of good fatherhood whenever we see it in the media.”

—Picture credit: flickr/pasukaru76

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 13 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Seven out of 10 dads want to spend more time with their children

by 1 Comment

A new survey by The Baby Show has found that seven out of ten dads want to spend more time with their children.

As part of the survey, dads of all ages were invited to share words of wisdom for other dads-to-be, ranging from deep reflections, such as “get to know and enjoy your baby for who he or she is and not what you expect them to be”, to practical tips like “allow an hour and a half to prepare to leave the house each time”.

The tips were offered alongside a series of great photos of dads with their kid which cast a spotlight on the ever-changing role of a father. All of the fathers photographed said that the attitude and expectations of dads have changed compared to those of previous generations.

Michelle Kyles, Marketing Manager at The Baby Show said: “Since the show launched 13 years ago, the roles of dads continue to evolve, and as one dad said, ‘the modern man does it all’. These pictures celebrate this. The answers we received from dads about how they felt about their new-borns were incredibly moving; giving us a tiny window into the unconditional love shared between them”.

One of the common themes that emerged in the survey was just how much fatherhood has changed in recent decades. One dad, Amit Kumar Mehta, said:

“Dads are expected to be a lot more hands-on compared to previous generations. With the likes of David Beckham and Brad Pitt leading the way, dads are expected not only to be the providers but also nurturers which I don’t think was the case in the past”.

However, despite the changing nature of fatherhood, many of the men were keen to praise their own fathers. One dad, James Robinson, said “If I turn out to be half the dad mine was to me, I’d consider myself lucky”. Another dad, Ben Kirkham, said: “My dad was my hero and I hope I am even a fraction of the man he was”.

The key finding of the survey was the fact that the majority of dads interviewed (72%) say they wish  they could spend more time with their children.

For more findings from the survey see:

 The Baby Show takes place in London from 20-22 February, 2015

—Photo Credit: Bumpkins 

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 13 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

 

 

Fourteen great tips from dads for dads-to-be

by Leave a Comment

The Baby Show asked some experienced dads to offer their best bits of advice to dads to be. From doing all those outstanding DIY jobs before the baby arrives to making sure you take a packed lunch to the hospital when your partner’s in labour, there’s a great mix of practical, personal and funny advice for dads-to-be everywhere.

The tips were gathered as part of a survey that asked dads to share their experiences of fatherhood and found that seven out of ten dads want to spend more time with their children.

Fourteen top tips for dads-to-be from other dads

1. Prepare yourself.  In today’s technological era, everything you need to know is available on the internet.  I still use it now – Amit Kumar Mehta

2. Get all the DIY done BEFORE the baby comes – Tama Kingston

3. Book a surprise dinner date for you and your partner just before the big day, including a movie night (if she can stay awake).  – Tama Kingston

4. Make sure you’ve got a packed lunch for when you go to the hospital in labour (they don’t cater for the dads) – James Robinson, dad to Elsie

5. Make every moment count and keep the mummy happy; remember that all children need is love and attention – Ben Kirkham

6. Don’t listen to advice, just go with the flow.  Nothing is right or wrong.  Just remember to always be there for the mother as she probably needs you the most – Ranjiv Sadarangani

7. Look at your life and prioritise everything towards your family.  But leave some space for yourself – I took up golf after the birth of my daughter which seems odd but it gave me some time to think about how my life is changing day-to-day – Robert McLaughlin, dad to Charlotte

8. Enjoy every single second and listen to everyone’s advice, you never know when you might hear a little gem – Christopher Winton

9. Don’t be scared and keep yourself as involved as possible – David Kalandad

10. Get your sleep while you can!  – Faiyaz Bobat

11. Don’t panic; whether it is worrying about not being ready for a baby or financially stable enough, you will  make it work, you just need to adjust – James Robinson, dad to Elsie

12. Allow an hour and a half to prepare to leave the house each time! – Darren Annani, dad to Olivia

13. Go with the flow, each baby is different.  Get to know and enjoy your baby for who he or she is and not what you expect them to be – Kevin Smith, dad to India

14. Hang in there, it gets easier – Willem Mybugh, dad to William

The Baby Show takes place in London from 20-22 February, 2015

—Photo Credit: Bumpkins 

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 13 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

What men say about being a dad

by Leave a Comment

The Baby Show has been asking dads about their experiences of being a father as part of a new survey that found seven out of ten dads want to spend more time with their own words. Here they are in their own words, sharing their personal experiences of fatherhood.

The experiences were gathered as part of a survey that asked dads to offer fatherhood tips to dads-to-be  and found that seven out of ten dads want to spend more time with their children.

How did you feel when you first held your baby for the first time?

“I was very proud, emotional and totally fell in love with him as soon as I held him for the first time.  I knew he would change my life forever, in the best way.” Cary Fernandes, dad to Nathan

“Holding my little Layla for the first time was the most magical experience of my life.” Sagar Desai, dad to Layla

“I felt an overwhelming sense of love, it was an amazing feeling, holding this tiny, little helpless person for the first time and realising she was my daughter and finally here.” Kevin Smith, dad to India

“I felt an overwhelming responsibility to protect him and an unconditional love for him.” Ben Kirkham, dad to Jayden

Do you think the attitude and expectations of dads has changed compared with previous generations?

“Dads are expected to be a lot more hands-on compared to previous generations.  With the likes of David Beckham and Brad Pitt leading the way, dads are expected not only to be the providers but also nurturers which I don’t think was the case in the past.” Amit Kumar Mehta, dad to Akhai (pictured above).

“Definitely, the modern man does it all!  We are supportive, helpful and 100% hands on.” Sagar Desai, dad to Layla

Do you plan to be like your own dad?

“My dad was my hero and I hope I am even a fraction of the man he was.” Ben Kirkham, dad to Jayden

“I plan to be different.  The school of thought was different in my father’s generation – particularly as he was not brought up in this country.” Ranjiv Sadarangani, dad to Roma

“I hope so – my dad is pretty awesome.  He struck the perfect balance between discipline and having fun when we were growing up.  He’s more like my best friend – we still spend a lot of time together and have a laugh.  Hopefully I can be the same to Akhai.” Amit Kumar Mehta, dad to Akhai

“No, my dad was hard but fare.  He is from the old school, where men go to work, and the mums stay at home and cook, clean and look after the kids.  I fit my kids around my work, not the other way round.  Watching them learn new things, seeing them talk, their first steps and watching them laugh, cry and play makes life worth it.”  Cary Fernandes, dad to Nathan

“If I turn out to be half the dad mine was to me, I’d consider myself lucky.”  James Robinson, dad to Elsie

The Baby Show takes place in London from 20-22 February, 2015

—Photo Credit: Bumpkins 

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 13 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Why I gave up university to be a dad

by 1 Comment

One dad shares the challenging circumstances that lead him to become a father and a step father.

The bond between parent and child is one that is very special and something that is grown and nurtured from birth. If you fully embrace your parenting journey your bond will flourish from day one and keep growing indefinitely. As romantic as this ideal sounds though. Sometimes like my own experience you are catapulted in to the world of parenting, skipping the baby years and are faced straight away with a confused toddler wondering who you are.

I first met Seth at the age of three, I had been seeing Seth’s mom for a couple of months and she had made the important decision to hold off introducing me until our relationship was serious. I fell in love with him that very first meeting and as I picked up his toy box with him sitting in it and began to fly him around the room I knew instantly there was a special connection and that things were going to be great.

I had craved a family from the age of around sixteen but I was creeping up to 30 before meeting ‘the one’. Our time together was (and still is) filled with laughter and fun and as the months went by my relationship with Seth blossomed. For months I viewed him as Laura’s son but some amazing news the day after my 30th birthday, set in to motion a relationship I wasn’t expecting.

When mum fell ill

I was going to be a dad, and have a child that in all intents and purposes was mine, that was an extremely exiting thought and something I had always dreamed of. The smiles and excitement soon turned to worry and upset though and as Seth’s beautiful mom fell very ill and spent many weeks in hospital.

To say it turned our world around is an understatement, but despite the hardships and the emotional roller coaster, it turned out to be an amazing thing for mine and Seth’s father/son relationship. Our time together shaped the love and affection we have for each other today.

The events of our pregnancy pushed me to drop out of university and I also left my job as I had to look after Seth. This was uncommon ground for me and I won’t lie, for someone who had spent most of his life looking after only himself this was frightening. Any money we had saved had soon gone, I wasn’t driving at that point so travel costs back and forth to a hospital over 20 miles away had eaten up everything.

Turning adversity into adventure

Things got so tough that it got to the point where me and Seth were waking up in the morning, walking almost 2 miles to the train station, avoiding the ticket guy for the 20 miles of the journey and then walking almost 2 1/2 miles from the station to the hospital, every day.Some days we would arrive for the morning visiting slot and hang around the hospital until 9pm. It was heartbreaking seeing Seth’s mom suffering but we were there for her, as a family.

It opened my eyes to how parenting should be, the effort I put in to keeping Seth’s mind away from the more serious issues that we’re unfolding was exhausting, we built a base in a weeping willow on the hospital grounds, we went on adventures between visiting slots, we read books and lay on the grass for hours telling stories. As much as I was doing everything I could for him he was unknowingly doing just as much for me and was keeping me grounded.

Thankfully those months passed, our youngest arrived, despite even more drama (but that’s another story) and Mrs M gradually got back to full health, but that lesson in parenting never went away and that same amount of effort and attention is today how I spend my days taking care of both of my boys.

Still a doting dad

Sometimes its the hardships in life that get you where you need to be emotionally and bring out a side of you that can sometimes be buried deep. I’ll never forget the story of how mine and Seth’s relationship grew and how much we relied on each other to get us through a pretty dark time. I will always view Seth as my first child and thanks to his mom, I have now been lucky enough to be given the chance to fully embrace this side of me and become a stay at home dad.

I may not have had the baby years with Seth but the experiences we have shared together since that special day that we met has more than made up for that and the tough times we shared together have built a relationship that is fit for any doting father.

—Photo: pauly@giftsfromthepirates

 

Pauly is a stay at home dad to two boys. He blogs at Gifts From The Pirates and can be found on twitter @PirateGifts.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

 

Dads, what would you do if your son pushed a bully?

by 4 Comments

My youngest son, Jack, has always been a passionate young man; keen to see fairness, ensure everyone is safe and protect others from injustice with a strong voice and righteous energy – and I love him for it.

A few years ago, when he was just 6 years old, he was in the playground at break time and used this knightly energy to protect his friend, Tom, also 6 – and unhappily the wearer of a stomach mounted insulin pump, from another child’s violence. Jack and Tom, being active type boys, were playing a tig type game within a group when Tom was kicked violently in the stomach by another boy who was enraged by an unfairness.

Jack immediately and instinctively, whilst dodging further blows, shoved the angry boy away hard and shouted clearly and strongly that kicking Tom was not ok. He then comforted his mate and took him sobbing and in some discomfort to the playground supervisor, for adult help.

Zero tolerance gone mad?

What followed was a really good illustration of how confused some institutions and their staff have become around the whole area of behaviour, the nature of being a boy, violence – and the dreaded zero tolerance policy. Now, the boy who had violently kicked out had some diagnosed behavioural issues – so was appropriately talked to along the lines of agreed and planned responses to his anti-social behaviours – so far so good and to be applauded.

The victim, Tom, was taken to see the school office to check his pump and he were ok, was helped to calm down and given sympathy – also good, and what we would all, I feel sure, want for our youngster. My son, who remember was only 6, and had protected another vulnerable little boy, in the best way he knew how, was taken to the Head and given a warning.

Apparently he had breached the schools ‘zero tolerance’ policy towards violence by aggressively pushing and shouting at the perpetrator. He was given a clear understanding that any such repeat would result in an exclusion, despite his corroborated explanations of what had taken place and his clear and reasoned assertions that Tom needed his protection; that his punishment was simply not a ‘normal’ response and most definitely not fair!

When is it right to be a knight?

You see, despite him being only 6, this policy was not flexible for him; because he did not have a diagnosis of ADHD, that allowed for flexibility and recognition of individuality.

My lovely, loving and brave son came home in tears of injustice, upset and hurt. We talked and I held him and praised him for protecting his friend. I told him it was all of our jobs to protect the vulnerable, that sometimes this needed us to be physical against the aggressor – and that if possible it was better to not use violence; I also let him know that I was pleased he had pushed rather than hit.

That night I made sure that the bedtime story was one that both acknowledged his actions, validated caring for others – and at the same time the ability to recognise that sometimes even the strong and powerful (read school staff – Kings in the story) can get things wrong – and that is ok to forgive them because of their many good deeds along the way, and in looking after and caring for their subjects and their kingdom.

Let common sense prevail

The next day when I dropped Jack at school I reaffirmed the messages I had given him, that I was proud of him and together we walked across the school yard to greet Tom – who gave Jack a spontaneous all enveloping hug. I exchanged eye contact, a smile and a morning greeting with the Head and registered her discomfort – clearly she had also been reflecting; which as an ex residential teacher myself I could both understand and empathise with.

You see in the moment we often have to follow policies and guidelines from ‘on high’ and are left in the wee small hours contemplating what we have done and all too often wishing we had the ability to wind back the clock just a few hours and deal differently with conflicting feelings, emotions and requirements.

To beat it all the school topic at that time was the first world war, and , apparently our shooting, bombing and killing was good – because we were ‘the goodies’ and our righteousness meant we were the victors; but the enemies similar acts were all too often war crimes – because they were ‘the baddies’ and so lost. At least in this playground moment only one vulnerable young knightly spirit was momentarily dented, and I was proud to be able to be there, salve the wounds, put him back on his horse, show my pride and set my son back on his wondrous journey on life’s quest.

 —Photo: Flickr/Walt Stone Burner

Paul Mills lives on the West coast of Scotland. He is is a parent, a trainer in the education and care sectors, an ex foster carer and therapeutic teacher who cares passionately about and working with young people, especially boys, as they start their life’s journey.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

I wanted to be a different father to my dad

by Leave a Comment

We asked the poet, Shaky Shergill, to think about what he means to him to be a father in the 21st Century. Here he shares his own experiences of the father-son relationship. He explains that didn’t want to be the father that his dad was, but wasn’t sure what the alternatives were.

 

 

Fatherhood, what they don’t tell you….

Perhaps that should be fatherhood, they didn’t tell me anything….

In the 21st Century there are so many ways that I can use to define myself as a man; my age, my race, my career, who I love, where I live, etc. and if I look there will be somewhere I can learn about it and how it relates to me.

For me one of the most significant times in my life was when I added the title of father or dad to the others I have collected. Then and at other times since I’ve felt as if there is a significant shortage of material to teach everything I’ve wanted to learn about being the father of a wonderful boy who is becoming a young man. Ever since he came into my life 12 years ago with a look and grasp of my finger it feels as if he’s taken over completely.

By doing so he’s made me not only question who I am but also my abilities. A part of me believed that I shouldn’t need education to do or be something so natural and fundamental. After all this is something that men have been doing throughout the ages. Looking back at my childhood I realised that there are things that I wish had happened differently.

Being a father has changed 

I’m aware that just as being a child has changed over the years so has being a father. I realised that I didn’t want to be the father that my dad was but wasn’t sure what the alternatives were. Looking back through the generations and back to the land of my birth. I didn’t feel as if I have anything in common with the father who would have taught his son to work the earth and even less so with those who came before him, the father who taught his son to hunt. Nonetheless, I can imagine similarities.

As I watched my son grow (and unknown to myself) grew with him I realised that those similarities are as true as they’ve ever been. In some ways a father wants just what a son wants; someone to love him, someone to listen, someone to laugh with and someone to hold him.

So over the years we’ve laughed, talked, shared and held each other. In some ways he made it so easy. As he grew older he’d walk over and say ‘hug’ be hugged and walked off. Some of the irrational moments were challenging at first and over the years the amount one of us tells the other to calm down is evening out more.

So, fatherhood, what they don’t tell you…

  • They don’t tell you that whatever you do to prepare your child will come with a challenge that is personal to you.
  • They don’t tell you that all of those things that you are lead to believe will make them happier or more content won’t work as well as a hug or an ‘I love you’.
  • They don’t tell you that the love in your child’s eyes can be more enslaving and healing than anything else you’ll ever experience.
  • And they definitely won’t tell you that there will be times when your child will in all seriousness tell you to ‘calm down’ and expect you to do so.

There are a lot of other things they don’t tell you but I haven’t experienced them yet and if I do perhaps I’ll tell you.

—Photo: flickr/Roland

Shaky Shergill’s writings can be found at the his website, The Warrior Poet.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com