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I wanted to be a different father to my dad

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We asked the poet, Shaky Shergill, to think about what he means to him to be a father in the 21st Century. Here he shares his own experiences of the father-son relationship. He explains that didn’t want to be the father that his dad was, but wasn’t sure what the alternatives were.

 

 

Fatherhood, what they don’t tell you….

Perhaps that should be fatherhood, they didn’t tell me anything….

In the 21st Century there are so many ways that I can use to define myself as a man; my age, my race, my career, who I love, where I live, etc. and if I look there will be somewhere I can learn about it and how it relates to me.

For me one of the most significant times in my life was when I added the title of father or dad to the others I have collected. Then and at other times since I’ve felt as if there is a significant shortage of material to teach everything I’ve wanted to learn about being the father of a wonderful boy who is becoming a young man. Ever since he came into my life 12 years ago with a look and grasp of my finger it feels as if he’s taken over completely.

By doing so he’s made me not only question who I am but also my abilities. A part of me believed that I shouldn’t need education to do or be something so natural and fundamental. After all this is something that men have been doing throughout the ages. Looking back at my childhood I realised that there are things that I wish had happened differently.

Being a father has changed 

I’m aware that just as being a child has changed over the years so has being a father. I realised that I didn’t want to be the father that my dad was but wasn’t sure what the alternatives were. Looking back through the generations and back to the land of my birth. I didn’t feel as if I have anything in common with the father who would have taught his son to work the earth and even less so with those who came before him, the father who taught his son to hunt. Nonetheless, I can imagine similarities.

As I watched my son grow (and unknown to myself) grew with him I realised that those similarities are as true as they’ve ever been. In some ways a father wants just what a son wants; someone to love him, someone to listen, someone to laugh with and someone to hold him.

So over the years we’ve laughed, talked, shared and held each other. In some ways he made it so easy. As he grew older he’d walk over and say ‘hug’ be hugged and walked off. Some of the irrational moments were challenging at first and over the years the amount one of us tells the other to calm down is evening out more.

So, fatherhood, what they don’t tell you…

  • They don’t tell you that whatever you do to prepare your child will come with a challenge that is personal to you.
  • They don’t tell you that all of those things that you are lead to believe will make them happier or more content won’t work as well as a hug or an ‘I love you’.
  • They don’t tell you that the love in your child’s eyes can be more enslaving and healing than anything else you’ll ever experience.
  • And they definitely won’t tell you that there will be times when your child will in all seriousness tell you to ‘calm down’ and expect you to do so.

There are a lot of other things they don’t tell you but I haven’t experienced them yet and if I do perhaps I’ll tell you.

—Photo: flickr/Roland

Shaky Shergill’s writings can be found at the his website, The Warrior Poet.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

 

Love is all you need

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Mums and dads are confronted by a bewildering array of decisions and choices, not to mention endless advice from pundits and experts on what’s ‘best’ for your child. How to navigate all of this? Here Thomas Lynch, co-founder of Scotland’s Dads Rock playgroup network, says that when all is said an done, there’s actually just one answer and it’s really very simple.

— This is article #28 in our #100Voices4Men series

It’s a song, and in my humble opinion an absolute classic.  The simplicity and brilliance of Lennon and McCartney, the two song writers must always be remembered; too often we get caught up in over-analysing and coming up with complex beliefs and theories about the world around us.

There are endless theories about what a boy/man ‘should’ be, how we need to act, react, and what is appropriate and inappropriate.  But to me, love is all you need.

Freedom or boundaries?

My son is six, and together my wife and I are helping him navigate the journey of being a boy.  When you write it down, it seems simple.  All we have to do is keep him on the right path, whatever that may be; we are there to nudge him slightly.  To speak and discuss what he thinks about the world around him.  At times we give him clear lines in the sand, and other times it’s all a bit more mercurial than that.

Sometimes I question my stance, does he need more freedom, and are we too strict?  Or does he need more boundaries?

My sense is that society has shifted and individuals have more personal responsibilities than when I was growing up.  Less reliance on older family members and more reliance on peer groups, and our own beliefs.

Perhaps I feel that way due to my own disconnect with my father.  As my son was finding his personality and gaining his independence, my own father was disappearing.  My father died when my son was four, he had a long illness which took his personality and we lost the ability to really talk and gain those last words of wisdom.

‘The best job in the world’

By the time we all knew he was dying it was too late, my dad was not a man for complex theories on bringing up boys anyway, but it would have been good to be able to try.  In the end, and most importantly we had love, the ability to care for his most basic needs, and hold his hand through his own journey.

I see what my wife and I are doing is holding our son, and at times holding his hand, letting him go a little to feel his way.  Waiting for him to check in with us, as time moves on we will let him go more and I am sure he will come to check in less and less.  At the centre of it all is love, it really is as simple as that.

To me being a parent is the best job in the world, and for fleeting moments I stop and feel overwhelmed by the responsibility.  As they say in Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility.  However reality then kicks in and I remember there is no green goblin or sandman to fight, and that love is all you need.

Thomas Lynch is the co-founder of Dads Rock and Dads Rock Academy, Scotland’s only network of free playgroups for dads and kids, to find out more about their work visit the Dads Rock website here.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not necessarily the views of the insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com.