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Why I Changed My Mind About International Men’s Day

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It’s time for progressive thinkers to expand the public conversation about men and masculinity and embrace International Men’s Day (19th November) argues a former critic of the day, Joseph Gelfer.

As a researcher of men and masculinities, I have always been interested in reading about International Men’s Day (IMD), even if I have never been particularly fond of it as a concept. Each year a flurry of articles are published in which IMD spokespeople advocate for its importance, while others counter this with a standard “it’s international men’s day 365 days per year” argument.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/10456888/Do-we-really-need-an-International-Mens-Day.html

In short, critics of IMD highlight the unfair parallel drawn between it and International Women’s Day, noting how the latter is about a disempowered minority when IMD is clearly not. Critics also highlight that certain organisations that align themselves with IMD have a darker agenda than merely being “pro-men” and are, in fact, “anti-women”. Numerous feminist researchers and activists who I respect have spoken out against IMD and for a long time this was the position I too held on the matter.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-kaufman-phd/international-mens-day-wh_b_4302641.html

My assumptions about IMD began to be challenged some years ago when a member of the Australian IMD community (where I lived at the time), contacted me to try and gain my support. Of course, I chose not to give that support, but we nevertheless entered an exchange of communications over an extended period of time. In those conversations I shared my concerns about IMD and these were met with some very reasonable responses.

A blind spot in feminist thinking

Further still, my correspondent revealed to me a blind spot in feminist thinking that I had genuinely never considered: critical studies of men and masculinities continually demands the acknowledgement of differing and nuanced masculine experiences, yet does not do a great job of acknowledging such difference and nuance among those groups—such as IMD—it identifies as regressive. In short, critics tend to paint a caricature of IMD that does not bear witness to the diversity within its ranks.

http://www.independent.co.uk/student/news/director-of-helping-men-uk-glen-poole-deeply-saddened-at-university-of-york-s-decision-to-cancel-a6740356.html

While these conversations did not succeed in converting me to the IMD cause, they nevertheless required me to think more carefully as my opinions continued to evolve. I began to more actively interrogate progressive political strategies to see if their intentions were appropriately aligned with their effects.

Within progressive gender politics there is a goal of all people being treated fairly, regardless of their gender. The work of feminist organisations is crucial in this regard, rightly identifying the gendered experiences of women that stops them from enjoying the wellbeing they clearly deserve. But there is a reluctance within progressive gender politics to provide equal support to organisations that identify the gendered experiences of men.

http://www.inside-man.co.uk/2016/02/16/4655/

Beyond the false binary of men’s rights versus feminism

With some exceptions, what then happens is that those organisations that do refer to men’s experiences find it difficult to be accepted in the progressive domain, which in turn consolidates a tired and often false men’s rights versus feminism binary. Those who are naturally progressive but who also have concerns about “men’s issues” are then faced with the anxiety of being labelled as a men’s rights advocate and consequently often remain silent. This has an unfortunate two-fold effect. First, is stops progressives talking sympathetically about men’s issues. Second, it reinforces the authoritarian caricature painted of feminism by men’s rights advocates.

http://www.vocativ.com/252762/international-mens-day-mras/

Such is the anxiety around having anything to do with anyone who might be identified as a men’s rights advocate, many progressives will not engage with initiatives such as IMD even though they may share substantial common ground, such as how gendered experience impacts the wellbeing of all people.

http://www.inside-man.co.uk/2016/11/01/feminists-celebrate-international-mens-day/

 

My own shift in strategy therefore now moves towards a “big tent” approach. If progressives only work alongside people with whom they have seamless ideological ties, they may find that not only do they have increasingly few allies, but they may fatally undermine the achievability of their own goals.

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/glen-poole/international-mens-day_b_6178354.html

In conclusion, there are still things I am not keen on about IMD, particularly the anti-women rhetoric of some of the individuals who align with it. However, I am more interested in the growth of conversations about men and masculinities and IMD plays an important role in this. I would rather take the good with the bad than reject IMD in totality.

Is International Men’s Day about Men’s Rights or Men’s Issues?

 

Joseph Gelfer is a researcher of men and masculinities. His most recent book is Masculinities in a Global Era (Springer Science+Business Media, 2014) and he is currently working on a new project, The Five Stages of Masculinity. For more information visit: www.masculinityresearch.com

Should feminists celebrate International Men’s Day?

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Today a former critic of International Men’s Day (IMD), Joseph Gelfer, says it’s time for feminists to cautiously embrace the day. Here our news editor and UK Co-ordinator for IMD, Glen Poole, explores feminism’s evolving relationship with the day.

It’s International Men’s Day next month (Saturday 19th November). Launched in its current format in 1999, the annual day of observance, shines a spotlight on some of the issues facing men and boys around the world.

The binary nature of gender is such, that traditional women’s rights advocates have positioned themselves in rigid opposition to the day, but we are beginning to see a backlash within feminism, from a younger generation of more fluid and inclusive feminists, who see no conflict in expressing concern for both men’s issues and women’s issues.

Is International Men’s Day about Men’s Rights or Men’s Issues?

 

In an article for insideMAN, Joseph Gelfer, a researcher on men and masculinities explains why he has shifted from opposing International Men’s Day (IMD),  to saying he would “rather take the good with the bad than reject IMD in totality”. This marks a break with the position taken by many leading male feminists who have consistently opposed the day’s existence.

http://www.inside-man.co.uk/2016/11/01/i-changed-mind-international-mens-day/

Back in 2004, the feminist scholar Michael Flood, published an “an open letter of rejection” saying that IMD was at best naïve and “at worst hostile anti-feminist” and called for men’s organisations and their allies to boycott the day.

This feminist-led opposition to International Men’s Day has continued for more than a decade now. Last year, the University of York’s Equality and Diversity committee was forced to withdraw plans to mark IMD after academics, students and alumni complained that by saying “gender equality is for everyone” the committee was echoing “misogynistic rhetoric” about women’s rights being given greater priority than men’s issues.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/nov/19/international-mens-day-what-celebrating

While leading male feminists, such as Michael Kaufman, founder of the global White Ribbon campaign to end men’s violence against women and girls, have acknowledged that that IMD focuses on some of the very real problems that men and boys face, they still oppose the day.

Both Kaufman and his fellow commentator on men and masculinities, Michael Kimmel, have observed that IMD’s support for gender equality has grown over the years, but argue the annual event should be scrapped or replaced, because it isn’t feminist enough.

For Kaufman and his colleague, Gary Barker of Promundo, an NGO dedicated to transforming masculinity,  “the problem with the IMD idea is that men’s vulnerabilties” are not placed within the context of “the ongoing oppression of women”. Kimmel also takes issue with the framing of IMD, wondering if it is “inspired by feminism or opposed to it”, as if there were just two binary choices when it comes to gender politics.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-kaufman-phd/international-mens-day-wh_b_4302641.html

But asking if IMD should support feminism, is like asking if Easter or Fathers’ Day or Wednesdays should support feminism. It’s a date in the global calendar, that long outgrew its founder in Trinidad & Tobago and neither he, nor anyone else, has the power or authority to control how millions of people around the world mark IMD.

Like feminism and masculinity, it is unhelpful to think of International Men’s Day as a singular, homogenous thing. If there are “feminisms” and “masculinities” and “femininities”, then there are also “International Men’s Days”.

So the question of whether IMD should support feminism is an irrelevance, the question for feminists all over the world, is what does your International Men’s Day project look like and how will you “do” your feminism on IMD this year?

Since taking on the role of national co-ordinator for IMD in the UK, with the support of the day’s founder, our aim has been to create the day as an open and inclusive platform, where we can focus on the many different issues that men and boys face.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/10456888/Do-we-really-need-an-International-Mens-Day.html

In 2011, we hosted a national conference in the run up to IMD, where our aim was to look beyond the view that “women HAVE problems and men ARE problems” and explore the problems that men and boys have, in addition to, not in opposition to, the problems women and girls have.

After the event, around 100 individuals and organisations who either attended or were supportive, signed a joint letter to Government. The signatories included charities dealing with male victims of intimate violence; organisations helping separated dads; people working with gay, bisexual and transgender men; advocates for black men and boys and a campaigner for equal paternity leave, who now supports the Women’s Equality Party.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/nov/19/international-mens-day

 

It was a diverse mix of non-feminists, pro-feminists and a few anti-feminists; each with their own unique views on how to address men’s issues, but united in the belief that we can and should do more the help men and boys.

In the UK, this is what International Men’s Day is all about.  It is a piece of inclusive public theatre that invites everyone to take part and create their own unique International Men’s Days.

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/we-need-international-mens-day-about-as-much-as-a-white-history-month-or-able-body-action-day-a6740646.html

 

As such, anyone is free to take the stage, hide in the wings, sit back and watch or heckle from the sidelines, but whatever choice we make will shine a spotlight on how we “do” our gender politics.

For the MP, Jess Philips, for example,  “doing feminism” on International Men’s Day last year, meant opposing a debate about men’s issues in parliament and engaging in what one commentator described as “politically inept”, “cowardly flipflopping”.

http://www.spiked-online.com/newsite/article/jess-phillips-is-not-my-hero/17730#.WBfG6OF97Uo

Others decided to do their feminism in more constructive ways. The feminist director, the South Bank Centre, Jude Kelly, moved the “Being a Man” festival to November, to coincide with IMD and said:

“Events like International Men’s Day and Southbank Centre’s Being a Man festival are helping men to investigate what conflicts the modern man faces in a world where everything is changing: work, family, image and gender balance.”

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/international-mens-day-helping-men-talk-about-being-a-man/

 

Then there was the student in York, Ruth Morris, who showed the 200 academics, students and alumni signed an open letter opposing IMD that they weren’t doing feminism in her name. Ruth set up a petition that that garnered over 4,000 signatures by declaring:

“True feminists should be fighting for gender equality for both men and women. To cancel men’s day is simply hypocritical. Equality is not just for women and should concern all genders. All feminists are being wrongly portrayed here which is simply unfair. We are not man-haters and the university should go ahead with plans to celebrate all diversity, not just one gender.”

And for me personally, most heartening of all, was the decision of University of Surrey’s Feminist Society, who invited a male student to research and present a talk on men’s issues. In response a spokesperson for the society said:

http://www.inside-man.co.uk/2016/02/16/4655/

 

“There are clearly a great many issues which men face today, and a great many which are almost invisible to the public at large, and I believe that is much that Feminism as a broad movement can do to solve, mitigate and highlight these issues.”

Yes, there are many different feminisms and yes, there are many different International Men’s Days and what Joseph Gelfer, Jude Kelly, Ruth Morris and the University of Surrey’s Feminist Society show us, is that it is entirely possible to do your feminism in a way that is supportive of International Men’s Day, without compromising your principles or commitment to gender equality.

http://freethoughtblogs.com/hetpat/2015/11/18/why-i-am-done-arguing-about-international-mens-day/

 

Glen Poole has recently published his latest book, You Can Stop Male Suicide, which is available to buy online from www.StopMaleSuicide.com.

 

 

What happened when a male student gave a talk on men’s issues to his university’s Feminist Society?

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At times it seems as if the debate around gender on university campuses has rarely been more volatile and polarised. On the one hand, there are frequent reports of intolerance on campus towards non-feminist views, with student men’s societies being blocked by feminist campaigners and last year’s plans to mark International Men’s Day at the University of York vetoed by a joint letter from students and professors. On the other, the NUS and feminist campaigners claim sexist “Lad Culture” is rife on university campuses.

So in light of all this, you might think it would be a brave man indeed who would offer to give a talk on men’s issues to his university’s Feminist Society. But that is exactly what third-year Surrey University psychology student Mike Parker did to mark International Men’s Day in November last year.

Here he describes what happened — it may both surprise you and give you reason for hope that the gender war may not be as intractable as at times it may appear.

Up until November last year, all my discussions around the contemporary issues facing men had been online. A very small corner of a particular website where, for the most part, I could expect most people to agree with me. Not exactly the most productive past time, I know. So when my University’s Feminist Society, of which I am an occasional member, invited me to give a talk on men’s issues I leapt at the opportunity. I asked my subscribers on YouTube and great organisations like the Mankind Initiative, SurvivorsUK and insideMAN what I should cover, before devoting time probably better spent on my degree researching and structuring a talk.

‘Culture of silence’

So, with the muffled sound of a jazz band playing below us, giving an inappropriately chirpy air to a talk about domestic violence, sexual assault, suicide and depression, I presented my case to a surprisingly full room of feminists as to why they should care about men’s issues. I titled my talk “Silent Sufferers” because, as far as I can tell in both politics and general life, men and their issues are systematically ignored. There is quite simply a culture of silence when it comes to men’s issues. Perhaps after that night, though, they’ll be a few more voices speaking out for them.

To be sure, I did not pull any punches. I opened by talking about domestic violence, and laid out the rather damning critique of the feminist theory in domestic violence research that researchers like Prof. Murray Straus have presented. I explained the suppression of data and the harassment of researchers whose findings acknowledge female perpetrators and male victims, by people calling themselves feminists, and in the name of feminism. And to the credit of the society, they simply took this on board. No heckles, no complaints, no “how dare you!”s. Just an acceptance of “this happened”. Later, during the discussion, I asked if anyone had any disagreements. When they said no, I was surprised. “No-one found any of this controversial?” I asked. “Well it was all controversial”, someone replied “But you presented us with good evidence so we can’t really disagree with you.”

Buy our book of 40 groundbreaking perspectives on men and masculinity here!

I couldn’t have asked for a better result, to be honest. To have people admit to simply being convinced by sheer weight of evidence is rare in any situation, and many of my online comrades in men’s issues think it is impossible when it comes to feminists. In fairness, the odds were perhaps stacked in my favour. I’m a regular member of the society, and my particular “studenty”, pro-feminist and leftist brand of men’s liberation might be a bit more palatable to them than the political opinions of many online men’s issues advocates. But then I would argue that for anyone to have any effect they need to integrate into other groups and make bridges, so perhaps the ease of convincing them was just a sign of this particular approach working.

In reality I realise that this will change little. As well intentioned as the people in the room were, and no matter how convinced they were that action was needed, none of them are in any position of power. They do have a few projects which, either on the initiative of someone else or by my insistence, have been broadened to include men’s issues. It’s a start, but it’s unlikely to change the culture of silence overnight. But though they cannot change anything directly, they can start to change the narrative. Perhaps the next time someone talks about rape or domestic violence only as a woman’s issue, or say that men need no help at all, one of them will perk up with a “well actually” and be able to use the evidence I gave them for a good cause. Perhaps, even if it’s only at one small pocket of one small, distinctly south England university, the culture of silence has been broken.

Mike Parker is currently a third year psychology student at the University of Surrey. He is also a walking online cliche, covering men’s issues and his Humanist beliefs on YouTube when he should really be studying. Visit his YouTube channel here

A member of the Surrey University Feminist Society gave their response to hearing Mike’s talk, you can read it here

‘What is feminism’s role in tackling men’s issues?’ asks member of Surrey University’s Feminist Society

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To mark International Men’s Day in November last year, Mike Parker, a psychology student at Surrey University, gave a talk on men’s issues to his university’s feminist society. Here is how one of the society’s members responded to the talk.

As part of International Men’s day in November, we at the University of Surrey’s Feminist Society wanted to have an event which thought about the role of men in the Feminist movement, Men’s issues and how Feminism should address these issues.

We turned to Mike Parker who had come to our meetings regularly and had frequently displayed a good knowledge of men’s issues and he was willing to make a presentation looking at some of the things that men face in modern society. Despite Mike’s insistence that he was “not an expert”, the amount of research that Mike put into his presentation was extremely thorough, and despite the inevitable vagaries of statistics, it really conveyed the issues in a fully rounded way and giving a focus towards the whole context.

Mike particularly managed to create a presentation which linked back to the feminist society itself, thinking about the effect of masculine and feminine gender roles in creating and shaping these issues, how it fitted into feminism and include it fully into the agenda of feminism, and how feminism can help men.

‘What is feminism’s role in tackling men’s issues?’

Specifically, Mike focused on domestic violence towards men, male victims of sexual violence, men’s depression and suicide and what can be, and is being, done about these issues. Unfortunately, there were was only a finite number of issues that we could address, but Mike still briefly highlighted other issues throughout the presentation, such as the disparity of achievement between girls and boys in the education system and the harsher sentences men generally receive in court.

Something that I found particularly interesting in Mike’s presentation was the issue of domestic violence towards men and the lack of safe spaces and support for men to seek out, and more broadly the lack of visibility of this problem. Of course for the feminist society, the important task was finding our role, the role of feminism, in dealing with these issues, and despite statements to the contrary, it was clear form Mike’s presentation that focusing on women’s issues does not prevent us from also dealing with men’s issues, particularly as the issues frequently intertwine and influence one another.

For example, Mike mentioned the fact that in divorce cases women are much more likely to get custody of the children: and this stems from gender stereotypes of women as emotional carers, and conversely men as unemotional and in a sense ‘unfit’ for taking care of children. It is clearly important to see the whole context of issues in order for us to be able to solve them. While frequently the world is seen as one where men prosper at women’s expense, it is, at the very least, not that simple.

Mike’s presentation was impeccably researched, very informative as well as showing how Feminism should be concerned with the interests of all people. There are clearly a great many issues which men face today, and a great many which are almost invisible to the public at large, and I believe that is much that Feminism as a broad movement can do to solve, mitigate and highlight these issues.

By Ed Mumby

You can read the article Mike wrote about his talk here

insideMAN signs joint letter by leading advocates for men and boys to Equalities and Human Rights Commission

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insideMAN has joined leading thinkers, charities and writers in signing a joint letter calling on the Equalities and Human Rights Commission to formally recognise systemic disadvantages faced by men and boys.

Dear Equalities and Human Rights Commission

Subject: 2016 – 2019 Strategic Plan Consultation

We, 38 signatories, note that the EHRC’s vision statement commits to tackling areas where there is still unfair discrimination.

We call upon the EHRC to formally acknowledge within their strategic plan that there can be occasions and circumstances where the victims of unfair discrimination are men and boys, and recognises the need to tackle areas where the needs of men and boys are unmet.

A range of these include:

  • The high male suicide rate.
  • The challenges faced by boys and men at all stages of education including attainment.
  • Men’s health, shorter life expectancy and workplace deaths.
  • The challenges faced by the most marginalised men and boys in society (for instance, homeless men, boys in care and the high rate of male deaths in custody).
  • Male victims of violence, including sexual violence.
  • The challenges faced by men as parents, particularly new fathers and separated fathers.
  • Male victims and survivors of sexual abuse, rape, sexual exploitation, domestic abuse, forced marriage, honour-based crime, stalking and slavery.
  • The negative portrayal of men, boys and fathers.

Thank you for your consideration

Yours sincerely

  • Glen Poole, UK Coordinator of International Men’s Day
  • Jane Powell, CEO, CALM, the Campaign Against Living Miserably
  • Heather Blake, Director of Support & Influencing, Prostate Cancer UK
  • Keith Best, Chief Executive, SurvivorsUK
  • Jerry Karlin, Chair and Managing Trustee of Families Need Fathers
  • Mark Brooks, Chair, The ManKind Initiative
  • Duncan Craig, CEO, Survivors Manchester
  • Bob Balfour, Founder, Survivors West Yorkshire
  • Justin Gaffney RN, CEO/Director, MSH Health & Wellbeing CIC
  • Sam Thomas, Founder and Director, Men Get Eating Disorders Too
  • Jack Broadley, Founder/Chairman, Baggy Trousers charity
  • Karen Woodall, Lead Therapist, Family Separation Clinic London
  • Ian Maxwell, National Development Manager, Families Need Fathers Scotland
  • Richard Duncker, Founder, Men Do Complain
  • Peter Morris, Chairman, Mens Aid Northern Ireland
  • Paul Apreda, National Manager, FNF Both Parents Matter Cymru
  • John Mays, Chairman, Parity
  • Dan Bell, Features Editor, insideMan magazine
  • Martin Daubney, Journalist, broadcaster and committee member, Being A Man Festival
  • Ally Fogg, Writer and Journalist
  • Neil Lyndon, Writer and Journalist
  • Brian Dempsey, Lecturer, School of Law, University of Dundee
  • Dr Elizabeth A. Bates, Senior Lecturer in Applied Psychology, University of Cumbria
  • Dr Luke Sullivan, Clinical Psychologist and Director, Men’s Minds Matter
  • Ben Hine, Lecturer in Psychology at University of West London
  • Damien Ridge, Professor of Health Studies, University of Westminster
  • Dr Jessica McCarrick, Chartered Psychologist and Senior Lecturer, Counselling Psychology, Teesside University
  • Dr Nicola Graham-Kevan, Reader in the Psychology of Aggression, UCLAN
  • Gijsbert Stoet, Reader in Psychology, University of Glasgow
  • Dr John Barry, Gender Equity Network
  • Geoff Dench, Director, Men for Tomorrow
  • Belinda Brown, Research Fellow, The Young Foundation
  • Martin Seager, Consultant Clinical Psychologist
  • Duncan Alldridge, Founder, Deep Diving Men
  • Nick Woodall, Family Practitioner and Author.
  • Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz “The Man Whisperer”, Founder, MenSpeak Men’s Groups
  • John Adams, Blogger, Writer and Fatherhood Campaigner
  • Louis de Bernieres, Writer

International Men’s Day: who won the debate?

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Last month saw the annual celebration of InternationalMen’s Day put men’s issues and male suicide on the political agenda for a few hours writes Glen Poole.

It was an historic occasion, according to the Conservative MP, David Nuttall, who highlighted the fact that this was “the first time ever that International Men’s Day has been marked by a debate in this Parliament”.

The right to hold a debate on men’s issues was hard fought for in the run up to the day, with the Labour MP, Jess Phillips, wearing her visceral opposition to International Men’s Day, both on her sleeve and all over her face. Phillips, who sits on the Backbench Business Committee that eventually endorsed the debate, sniggered and snorted and declared her hatred for “fools who think men don’t have equality” when the issue was first raised.

Rather than graciously admit defeat and retire to lick her wounds, Phillips decided to use her position of political power and privilege to trash International Men’s Day, firstly telling Andrew Marr that the day did nothing to tackle male suicide and secondly writing in The Independent that the day was equivalent to having a “White History Month”.

Then, on International Men’s Day, Phillips publicly stated that “you hit the jackpot when you are born a boy child”, demonstrating her continued lack of compassion and concern for the 13 men a day whose response to the apparent “jackpot” of being a man is to kill themselves.

Fortunately, not everyone in the Labour Party is as cynical and unsympathetic towards men and boys as Jess Phillips. Her colleague, the Shadow Mental Health Minister, Lucian Berger, turned up for the debate and said:

“The rate of male suicide in this country is a national scandal [that] demands our urgent attention. Every time a person is lost to suicide, it is a tragedy. We need a revolution in suicide prevention to address the fact that many more men than women take their own lives.”

Berger was one of several female MPs who outshone their male colleagues in this debate. For the Conservatives, Maria Miller, chair of the Women and Equalities Select Committee, recognised the value of the day saying:

“International Men’s Day is not about pitching men against women; it is about the health of men and boys, the promotion of gender equality, positive male role models and men’s contribution to family life and their children’s lives. It is an opportunity to challenge all gender stereotypes, which are not good for any of us, and to support men to speak out, as women often speak out, on behalf not only of women but of men.

One of Miller’s male colleagues who did speak out,  was the Conservative Andrew Percy, who decided to step into the role of White Knight by ignoring the problems men have and highlighting the problem that other men cause instead, saying:

“International Men’s Day is the perfect opportunity for men to stand up as part of the White Ribbon campaign, for which I am pleased to be an ambassador, and say that we will never remain silent when other men commit violence against women?”

The White Ribbon campaign has an uncomfortable relationship with International Men’s Day. In 2013, one of its Canadian founders, Michael Kaufmann, advised supporters of gender equality to ”stay away” form the day. Though in the UK, some White Ribbon supporters like the Men AgainstViolence project in Preston have, held International Men’s Day events in the past.

For me, the star of the debate was the Conservative MP for Telford, Lucy Allan, who took Percy to task.

“Equality is not about forcing men to wear a white ribbon,” she said. “Men do not need to be shamed about the violence of other men towards women, and to demonstrate their shame with a badge.”

Allan also criticised her local council for failing to talk about the area’s high male suicide rate and instead using International Men’s Day for “an elaborate social media campaign parading photographs of men on Facebook holding up signs saying ‘I support the white ribbon campaign’.”

“The poor men can hardly refuse,” she said, “for fear of being labelled anti-women.”

The tension here is gender political, while White Ribbon claims it wants to men to speak out about domestic violence, in reality it only wants to work with men who are prepared stick to a hardline, feminist-approved narrative about domestic violence, as the case of Dr Tanveer Ahmed revealed earlier this year.

I spent International Men’s Day this year with Ahmed at a debate about masculinity in Sydney. He is a warm, intelligent and passionate man, who was banned form supporting White Ribbon for daring to express his own views on the problem of domestic views. 

Meanwhile, back in the UK, the SNP’s Dr Paul Monaghan was quoting me in the debate as saying: “when 13 a men a day in the UK are dying from suicide, it is essential that everyone in positions of power, trust and influence does everything they can to help men talk about the issues that affect them.”

This is what White Ribbon and other feminist initiatives on men fail to do because of their narrow view of gender politics. International Men’s Day, on the other had, is a broad, inclusive platform that welcomes intellectual diversity. Anyone, no matter what their gender politics, can use the day as a platform to talk about the issues that affect men and boys.

As Lucy Allan said: “too often we polarise the gender debate to depict men as aggressors and women as victims. Many women who, like me, have a passion for gender equality and who identify as feminists feel deeply uncomfortable about the increasingly negative caricatures and gender stereotyping of men. My son said to me, ‘I don’t like feminists, mum.’ I said, ‘Oh, why’s that? ’Well, they don’t like men, do they?’

And that contribution to the debate captured the essence of the first ever international Men’s Day debate in Parliament. It was about men and women, feminists and non-feminists, taking time to discuss the the way the world currently works for men and boys—or not.

As Philip Davies, the MP who made the debate happen said in summary: “lots of people throughout the country are delighted that some of those issues have finally been raised, as they have been campaigning on them for years and years, and not really getting the recognition they deserve. We have done the country and the House a great service by debating these things.”

And he is right, for we cannot continue to complain that men don’t talk about the issues they face if our MPs don’t lead by example and make talking about men’s issues on International Men’s Day a regular feature of the political calendar. If we did nothing more than win the argument that International Men’s Day should be a platform for debating men’s issues in parliament, then that was a debate worth wining and building on next year.

—Picture: Flickr/Jason Wilson 

Glen Poole is the news editor of online magazine insideMAN, author of the book Equality For Men and UK coordinator for International Men’s Day.

Men are being asked to open up, but are we prepared to listen when they do?

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The cultural conversation around men and masculinity often feels less like a public discussion and more like a rhetorical battleground.

But if it’s a chaotic and hard-fought debate during most of the year, this November, during the month highlighting men’s health issues and International Men’s Day, the thrusts and parries were enough to make your head spin.

In Parliament, we saw Jess Phillips MP’s derision at the idea of a debate about men’s issues on International Men’s Day, lead to that exact thing taking place for the very first time; at the University of York, a veto on marking the day by 193 feminist academics and students, prompted a feminist-led petition in support of the day signed by thousands; and most recently, student George Lawlor, who was attacked across the national press for refusing to attend a sexual consent course, was offered a compassionate hearing on about as mainstream a TV show as there is – ITV’s This Morning.

On International Men’s Day itself, there were a slew of articles mocking the day, but it also felt as if more national news outlets than ever gave a platform to powerful and informed defenses of why there needs to be public recognition of the gendered issues men face.

At the heart of each of these stories is the same conflict – our society’s deep ambivalence and discomfort about men speaking out about the issues they face.

Men given mixed messages

On the one hand, men are being told more than ever that they must open up, that their refusal to overcome traditional masculine ideals of strength and stoicism is the source of a multitude of their own and society’s problems — the need to help men express their anxieties in order to stem the tide of male suicides, became the unofficial central theme for this year’s International Men’s Day.

But on the other hand, men are also repeatedly told their voices are too dominant, that speaking about the issues that affect them amounts to giving a special platform to the already privileged, and as a result of this perceived privilege, the only gender issues they should really be speaking out on are those that affect women.

At times, men even appear to be asked to do both at once: called on to open up about the experience of being a man, but then told which parts of that experience are acceptable to discuss.

November’s fraught public discussion about men and masculinity was book-ended by last weekend’s Being A Man festival at London’s Southbank Centre. Now in its second year, I attended the event with no small degree of trepidation, because the first BAM in 2014 was very much driven by the belief that when it comes to exploring men’s issues, there are only certain issues that are acceptable to discuss — the ones sanctioned by feminism.

An evolving conversation?

For example, there were talks about why men should be feminists, but none on why they shouldn’t be; there were discussions about why male violence against women is a problem, but none on the problem of female perpetrators and male victims; while another panel explained why porn is bad for you, but offered no perspectives on how men can explore, express and celebrate their sexuality.

But on attending the Saturday session of this year’s three-day event, despite my heart initially sinking when the first talk I heard was a keynote speech about male sexual violence against women, it seemed to me the range of issues tackled during the rest of the day and how they were addressed, was yet another indicator of how rapidly the conversation about men and masculinity is evolving.

At a talk about depictions of men in TV and film, both the audience and panellists warmly accepted the idea that society is far too tolerant of violence against men in the media and that this is a reflection of our greater tolerance of violence against men and boys in real life; at this year’s panel debate about porn, there was none of the demonising of male sexuality that had gone on in the previous year; and most powerful of all, there was an extraordinary panel discussion about the need to raise awareness and support for male victims of rape.

I think it’s fantastic that this discussion is now breaking into the mainstream, from Parliament to the Southbank Centre, because I believe it’s imperative that men are encouraged to speak about what it means to be a man. But I also believe it’s essential that people truly listen when they do speak out. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything these men say, but it does mean listening in a way that allows them to be heard.

During this November’s high-profile skirmishes about men and masculinity, it was telling that the core issue under discussion was the crisis in male suicide. What everyone appeared to agree on, was that a central plank in tackling this public health emergency is finding ways to encourage men to talk more openly about their fears and anxieties. But what is still very much up for grabs, is whether we’re really prepared to hear them when they do.

By Dan Bell

Image Credit: Beyer Projects

Dozens of charities, campaigners and academics sign joint letter calling on all parties to support International Men’s Day

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InsideMAN joins dozens of charities, campaigners and academics in signing a joint letter to cross-party equalities representatives calling on ministers to make a public statement in support of International Men’s Day and to consider what action they can take to address issues that affect the well being of men and boys.

Addressed to: Government Ministers, Shadow Ministers and Equalities Spokespeople

  1. Caroline Dinenage MP, Parliamentary Under Secretary of State for Women, Equalities and Family Justice
  2. The Rt. Hon Nicky Morgan, Education Secretary and Minister for Women and Equalities
  3. Kate Green OBE MP, Shadow Minister for Women and Equalities
  4. Angela Crawley MP, Shadow SNP Spokesperson (Equalities, Women and Children)
  5. Baroness Hussein-Ece OBE, Liberal Democrat Spokesperson forWomen and Equalities
  6. Liz Saville Roberts MP , Spokesperson (Women and Equalities), Plaid Cymru
  7. Jim Shannon MP, Spokesperson (Equality), Democratic Unionist Party
  8. Mr Benali Hamdache, Equalities Spokesperson, The Green Party
  9. Louise Bours MEP, Health Spokesman, UKIP

Subject: Recognition of International Men’s Day (19 November 2015)

As supporters of International Men’s Day in the UK, we invite politicians of all parties to join us in celebrating men and boys in all their diversity each year on 19 November. Many organisations led by men and women across the country are already doing so.

International Men’s Day is a day for highlighting the positive contribution that men and boys make to their families, their communities and the world.

At a time when the role of men in our society is changing and evolving, it is also an opportunity to consider whether the way we talk about men and masculinity in politics, the media and elsewhere is helping or hindering boys to make a healthy transition into manhood.

International Men’s Day provides a platform for politicians to consider what action we can take to address the many social issues that impact men and boys in our country. These include:

  • The high male suicide rate
  • Men’s health and shorter life expectancy
  • The challenges faced by men who are fathers
  • The challenges faced by boys at all stages of education
  • All forms of crime, violence and abuse involving men and boys
  • The challenges faced by the most marginalised men and boys in society (for instance, those sleeping rough and boys in care)
  • The issues of concern to all men and boys with a “protected characteristic” under the Equality Act 2010

We acknowledge that the majority of politicians in the UK are men, but there are very few politicians, male or female, who take time to discuss the men’s issues listed above and put forward political solutions to these problems.

We invite men and women of all political parties to join us in making a public statement of their support for International Men’s Day on 19th November in 2015 and each year thereafter.

Thank you for your consideration and we look forward to receiving a positive reply.

Yours sincerely,

 

Glen Poole, UK Coordinator of International Men’s Day

Mark Brooks, Chair, The ManKind Initiative

Duncan Craig, CEO, Survivors Manchester

Martin Daubney, Journalist, broadcaster and committee member, Being A Man Festival

Ally Fogg, Writer and journalist

Martin Seager, Consultant Clinical Psychologist

Jack Broadley, Founder/Chairman, Baggy Trousers charity

Nick Smithers, National Development Officer, Abused Men in Scotland

Bob Balfour, Founder, Survivors West Yorkshire

Duncan Fisher, former CEO of the Fatherhood Institute

John Adams, Author, Dadbloguk.com

Paul Apreda, National Manager, FNF Both Parents Matter Cymru

Duncan Alldridge, Founder, Deep Diving Men

Kenny D’Cruz, Personal Development Consultant, The Man Whisperer

Dan Bell, Features Editor, insideMan magazine

Dr Nicola Graham-Kevan, Reader in the Psychology of Aggression at UCLAN

Belinda Brown, Research Director at Men for Tomorrow

Gijsbert Stoet, Reader in Psychology, University of Glasgow

Dr Elizabeth A. Bates, Senior Lecturer in Applied Psychology, University of Cumbria

Dr Jessica McCarrick, Chartered Psychologist, Teesside University

Richard Duncker, Founder, Men Do Complain

Peter Morris, Chairman, Men’s Aid (Northern Ireland)

John Barry, Chartered Psychologist and Research Associate at UCL Medical School

Sara Westle, Honorary Patron, The ManKind Initiative

Ian Young, domestic abuse survivor

Paul Chivers, domestic abuse survivor

Gerald Cash, Founder and Chairman, Men Have Rights Too

Kathy Jones joint CEO, The Fatherhood Institute

Adrienne Burgess, joint CEO, The Fatherhood Institute

How I went from a mid-twenties crisis to working as a men’s coach

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Whenever I tell my story of how I became a men’s coach it always begins with the words, “…well it began when I had my mid-twenties crisis…” and then I move swiftly on.

But recently a friend asked me “Clive, what exactly is a mid-twenties crisis?” As I shared my story, I reconnected with feelings from back then and realised how they’d shaped me today. Since relaying my story I’ve felt a strong desire to share it more widely and help support others who may be experiencing something similar in their lives. For me it was a very confusing and depressing part of my life. So here goes.

By 25 I felt like I’d ticked all the boxes – I was cruising through life, unconsciously striding British society’s well-lit path. I’d exceeded expectations at school, swanned through sixth form and loved my university days – all I needed was a job that paid a half-decent wage and I’d just landed it! It really was as simple as that.

However, once the initial excitement of my employment and a pay cheque or two wore off, I began to feel that something wasn’t right. “It was something that would pass,” I told myself. I had everything a mid-twenties young professional could desire right?  As the months passed, my feeling of uncertainty didn’t. On the rare occasion that I was on my own alone (I didn’t like being alone!), these thoughts of frustration would appear. Relentless voices in my head saying “you’re not fulfilled, something isn’t right”.

‘My world was turned upside down’

On reflection, perhaps I didn’t give these voices any space to be heard. Old “survival” habits I’d carried over from university were seeing to that – dance floors, a heavy social drinking habit, and a sports watching obsession. Distractions enough to keep those voices down and out of the way, safely in the depths of my shadows. Little did I know the gold that lay beneath.

Things suddenly shifted. In a matter of weeks I broke up with my girlfriend, moved out from home and received news my younger sister was to be facing life-threatening cancer. My world was turned upside down. I’d been confronted with the realities of life, of the mortality that is our human experience. I’d no longer ever take tomorrow for granted.

Spending more time alone in self-reflection, my inner voices where finally heard. As the truth surfaced from the darkness I could see I wasn’t getting quality or fulfilment at the deepest levels of my life. I didn’t have my “Why?”

Confusion naturally followed. On one hand, I had all I’d thought I’d ever wanted, though here now, I realised that was all on the surface and underneath I was in the opposite state, I was lost! I craved change, I was hungry for inner exploration and external action to understand what was happening to me so I could get clear on where the hell I was going – and why.

To read more inspiring stories about men buy our book here!

Being an analyst by trade I was going to start collecting data for a very personal piece of work, my own self-diagnosis. To begin I set up a folder on my laptop called the “life project”.

The internal work would be done in the external form of Journaling. This was the qualitative data set I would utilise to review, analyse and identify patterns. Incorporating structure I would self-stage regular monthly reviews, then in time full year reviews. Within these sessions I’d list key successes, note patterns (e.g. an inability to say “no”, leading to tiredness) and areas I wished to change/improve.

I studied goal setting. Setting myself regular goals, underpinned by self-accountability to weekly and daily tasks. This process generated quantitive data which when coupled with the qualitative  results from my journal gave me a rich picture of where I stood and where I was consciously heading. Working holistically, inside and out, I slowly began to unpack and rebuild my life, making changes for a new version of myself, connected with who I was at the core and who I wanted to become.

My “life project” had identified a desire to teach and with focus I realised a secondment working as a youth team leader, supporting 16 to 24-year-olds for The Prince’s Trust charity. The charity supports young adults to re-engage in either full time employment or eduction. Completing this work uncovered a natural aptitude for coaching and motivating groups in a classroom environment. Another identified desire was a deep need to travel, which with hard graft and a goal mindset, became a dream come true – backpacking around the world for a year.

‘Don’t drown the pain or ignore the questions’

On my return from my global adventures, I realised I needed the support of other men and found it in the form of Kenny Mammarella D’Cruz’s MenSpeak men’s groups. This inspired me to continue my work with groups incorporating coaching – this time with men in the form of the growing meetup that is the Men’s Action Project (The MAP). Today I have my challenges, but I am fulfilled. I’ve found my “why” in the form of coaching men to “walk their talk” as piece-by-piece I build my practice.

For anyone who may be experiencing this time in life, my advice is don’t drown out the pain or ignore the questions. Keep asking, keep testing and maybe start a “life project” of your own. For a long period I chose to go it alone, but in hindsight engagement with others at an earlier stage would have helped me to realise what was happening within me and make some required changes sooner.

If you need to take action, join us at the Men’s Action Project (The MAP) to start “walking your talk” with like-minded others. For a safe place to talk, groups such as Kenny’s enlightening MenSpeak groups are well worth a try.

My mid-twenties crisis was a challenging, confusing and very lonely time in my life. I now consider it my great teacher, a gift in terms of giving me insight into my purpose, passions and personal potential. Next step – live from my “Why” and become the best coach I can possibly be.

By Clive Maxheath

Clive is the leader of a group coaching initiative called the Men’s Action Project (The MAP).

To find out more visit the MAP website, find MAP on Facebook or follow him on twitter @CliveMaxheath to find out more about the service he provides.

My name is Gary and I’m mental. Maybe you are too. Let’s talk about it.

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My name is Gary and I’m mental. No really, I am. I live with depression, acute anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder on an everyday basis. I’m tri-mental. I really don’t care who knows, so let’s talk about it.

The majority of people who seek help and support for their mental health are women, yet around 78% of people who kill themselves are men. These figures are echoed all around the world. Mental illness is an equal opportunity affliction so there’s a huge disparity somewhere. Mental health has long been a taboo subject. It’s something we’d rather not discuss in polite conversation. Why is that? Every one of us has mental health so why not talk about something we all share. We might not all have mental ill health, but the way we deal and talk about it has to change.

One in four of you reading this are as mental as I am. That is to say, you’ll experience mental illness at some point in your life. Maybe that time is now, perhaps it’s in the past or it could be still to come. Who really knows, but the fact is it really doesn’t matter. Mental illness, in all its guises, form part of who we are, but it’s not there to define who we are. I learned that lesson the hard way, I hope you don’t have to.

My mental health deteriorated when I became ill. During most of 2008 I was suffering with severe stomach pains. They would appear for a couple of days and they would go again. Like an unwelcome house guest, gradually the pain would come and stay for longer and longer periods and it hurt more and more. Despite not being a massive fan of going to the doctors, the pain was so bad that I couldn’t stop myself. I went every few weeks for about six months.

‘My life turned upside down’

Every time I visited, I was given ‘something’. Medication for a stomach bug….or spasms…or kidney infections….or Irritable Bowel Syndrome. None of them fixed it, because the root cause of my problem wasn’t identified. One night in late October the pain was too much to bear. My wife rang NHS Direct who, in turn, called an ambulance. My local A&E said it was gastroenteritis and sent me home. Two days later I was back and they finally admitted me. Within 48 hours, my life turned upside down.

From a Saturday night admission to a Sunday night bout of emergency surgery, I woke up in the High Dependency unit of my local hospital with tubes and wires coming out of almost every orifice and some-sort of bag stuck to my side. The morphine pump kept me sedated, but the chaos around me was about to get very real. I had developed diverticulitis and the internal damage had cause my colon to burst. You know that face you’re pulling right now, imagine how I was feeling!

Afterwards, as my physical health was starting to improve, my mental health was deteriorating. The sheer shock of what had transpired had a massive impact on me and my family. I’d also recently lost my only uncle and my beloved dog. On top of that my wife and I had become parents just two months earlier, so life as I knew it was unrecognisable. My head was struggling to keep up.

‘I didn’t seek help, but I needed it’

I don’t mind admitting that I didn’t cope with having a colostomy bag very well. I didn’t cope with it physically or mentally. I felt weak against those who live with one all the time and seem to manage just fine. All I know was that I couldn’t…and I didn’t. I became withdrawn from my family and friends and I became easily irritable. I was embarrassed and ashamed, but I wouldn’t talk about it. It’s not what men do is it. I wouldn’t seek help because I didn’t realise, or maybe accept, I needed it. But I did. Oh boy did I!

Even after the operation was reversed a year later, I could still feel the bag on my skin, I could still smell it in the air, I could still see it under my clothes, even when it clearly wasn’t there. It began to haunt my dreams, night after night. I began a blog to help me cope. I’ve always loved to write and so, to help myself make sense of things, I began to document my thoughts to try and understand why I felt like that. Could the internet help me understand what I couldn’t? Gradually that blog grew, it attracted more followers and then….it died. Well it didn’t die, but it certainly went into a coma for a while. Until this year when it was reborn, not solely as a blog, but a website devoted to men and mental health called Men Tell Health. See what I did there?

Men Tell Health is designed to be different. There are many great sites out there when it comes to mental health, but they all seem to look the same way and they all talk about an admittedly difficult subject in the same way, but the thing is, we’re all different, so we are trying to do something different.

I want to help those men who, like me, go through life fighting the good fight, keeping that ‘stiff upper lip’ and stubbornly refusing to accept they have a problem. Men? Stubborn? I know, right!

The fact is life is a pain in the arse at times. As people, never mind as men, we’re simply not designed to cope with everything life can through at us. We simply are not. Sooner or later, something is going to break and asking for help is not a matter of pride or weakness, it’s a matter of fact.

I said at the beginning that something has to change and the site is here to try and stimulate that change. It’s not arrogant enough to believe it has all the answers, but if you’re looking for information and signposts to people who can help you, or to explain mental illness in a way that delivers knowledge and humour, with just a touch of honesty, it’s a good place to start.

Do you want to make preventing male suicide a national health priority? To help raise awareness about this emergency join the International Men’s Day social media shout out by clicking here