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Seven things blokes can do to make the world a better place for everyone

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“There are essentially just two things that need to change to make this a better world for men and boys,” says David Wilkins of the Men’s Health Forum. “The first is The World. And the second is er . . . men and boys”.

—This is article #76 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

I’m often asked to write about how the world (well, the UK) might change, especially in relation to men’s mental and physical health, and the organisation for which I work has been campaigning on the issues for many years. It’s crucial that the UK should change culturally and politically in some of its attitudes and policies towards men.

This though, is my list for blokes – including myself. It’s subjectively espressed but it is pretty much based on evidence, not on personal whim. It reflects the large number of debates and discussions I’ve been in over the years and the range of opinion that I’ve often heard expressed by men and women. Not everything applies to everyone and it’s not perfect or complete – but here it is.

Let’s us blokes:

1. Look after our health. It’s our responsibility and it’s not just for reasons of self preservation. There are people out there who love us and depend on us. They don’t want us dead before we even draw our pensions for God’s sake.

2. Allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Get help when we need it. Give up trying just to escape our problems – it doesn’t work.

3. Look out for our male friends. Allow them to be vulnerable. Stop taking the piss. Refuse to collude with their escape plans.

4. Value education. Encourage our sons to learn, and engage with them in their learning. Demand better for boys at school. The UK is not doing anywhere near well enough with our boys – and it’s not just the fault of schools.

5. Avoid getting sucked into working long hours for no extra pay. Our grandads and great grandads and all the generations since the Industrial Revolution fought like billy-o for our rights at work. Giving half our lives away for nothing is letting them down. Long hours stop us looking after ourselves and being with those we love.

6. Prioritise spending time with our kids. Be the one who takes them to the doctor or picks them up from school. Allow our sons to be vulnerable, as well as helping them to be strong. Both sexes – but boys especially – do better where fathers are actively involved in nurture and care.

7. Avoid buying into the bollocks that says that “feminism” is to blame for everything that’s a problem for men. It is absolutely right that we should support women to make a better and more equal world. We can work for solutions to problems that disadvantage men without negating women’s rights. It’s not Man United v Liverpool.

—Picture credit: RCB

David Wilkins is policy officer at the charity the Men’s Health Forum.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Why I love working with men in all their diversity

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Berkeley Wilde, Director of the Diversity Trust, explains why he loves working with men.

—This is article #68 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys

I started working with men and boys about 20 years ago. Initially with gay and bisexual men, doing outreach and educating men, on the issues of safer sex and sexual health. This work was driven by the emergence of HIV / AIDS and the impact the disease was having on gay communities.

I found myself being drawn to a fight against the mainstream, politics, media and society, delivering work that was controversial and challenging; talking to men about the sex they were having and the need to protect, driven by the need to save lives.

Whilst working in this field I found there were gaps in what we were doing; these gaps I realised were around two areas; one was what I will call “community development” and the other was the challenge of bad old laws that criminalised sex between men. I set about working on both. The more engagement and development work I did the more new men I would come into contact with and this provided opportunities to educate, but also to empower groups of men.

Working with gay and bisexual young men, working with married me who were still “in the closet” but having sex with other men. These were real life stories you didn’t read about in the mainstream media. But it provided opportunities to engage and reach out to these groups of men.

After almost 10 years of this work I needed a new challenge and I was privileged to have been given two opportunities. The first was to be working on a Department of Health research project working with men across England on generic men’s health themes. This led me into close working relationships with the Men’s Health Forum and eventually a job with the European Men’s Health Forum in Brussels.

When this came to an end, I had been planning for a long time to become freelance, I was able to set up as a management consultant and trainer, working in the areas of health inequality and in my passions of equality and diversity.

This followed by setting up the Diversity Trust and I have been so fortunate to have been able to work in all of the areas I have an interest in including returning to men’s health with a new research project I am working on locally. With our commissioners we have recognised a need, given the health inequalities men and boys experience, to address these inequalities and make a difference to the lives of local men and boys.

Working at a national and international level provides its opportunities, which I have valued, but there is nothing like working with local communities and speaking direct about their lived experiences of health and wellbeing.

I feel I am in a unique position in that I have experienced a vast array of different opportunities to engage with men and boys in a wide range of settings. This has provided me with a unique perspective and the ability to challenge where discrimination exists.

Whether it be through supporting victims of hate crime or working with organisations wanting to improve practices; whether it be asking people about their experiences of their health and accessing health services; or working with schools to meet their equality duties. These are opportunities which I believe have a benefit for everyone.

—Picture credit: See Ming Lee 

You can read more about the work of Berkeley Wilde, at the Diversity Trust website: www.diversitytrust.org.uk.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Watch out, the journey towards being a lonely old man starts young

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Researchers predict that 1.5 million men over 65 will be lonely by 2030, men’s health writer, Jim Pollard, is worried he might end up being one of them. Here he shares his experience of being a lonely, younger man.

—This is article #14 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

A recent report from Independent Age suggests that some two million men over 65 in England are lonely and that with more and more older men living alone – a predicted 1.5 million by 2030 – the number of men with such feelings looks set to increase rapidly.

The media coverage featured often touching interviews with older men. Although I’m still many years from retirement, their stories struck a chord with me. It is hard to admit. It also feels very ungracious. (And I’m certainly not blaming anyone but myself.) I am in the luckiest fraction of this planet’s population – a roof over my head, not poor and I know I’m loved by both my family and my long-term partner who accepts me as I am – so what am I whining about? But I say this not to whine but because I wonder if others feel the same. The report talks of older men but, for some of us anyway, the road to loneliness begins earlier.

The report says that isolation is being by yourself. Loneliness is not liking it. We all want to be alone sometimes. Indeed, being happy in your own company is often considered a good thing. Especially in men. But too much, even of a good thing, can be dangerous. Addictive. We don’t admit to being lonely, we just tell ourselves we’re loners. (Perhaps it’s no coincidence that my job – writing – necessitates vast periods of time on your own.)

I’ve had many lonely Saturday nights

It should be easy to tackle loneliness. Just phone someone. So why can’t I? (The rational part of your mind tells you that your friend will be as pleased to hear from you as you would from him.) Why, since I write, can’t I even think of something to post on Facebook? When I was single I had many lonely Saturday nights, never phoning friends because I assumed they had something better to do. Now, thanks to social media, I know they have something better to do. Or, at least, that’s the impression – and it makes it harder to make that leap of faith and get in touch.

Most of my friends date back years to school and university. In other words, they date back to a time when I had an ascribed place in the world. Over time, things can change – values, incomes, locations, lifestyles – or the little differences – in intelligence, talent, ambition – can become bigger. You can, even with the best intentions, drift apart.

As an adult you have to find your place in the world yourself and if you struggle in that, you can become detached. When you become detached you start seeing the differences rather than the similarities between yourself and others: you’re not exactly a journalist, you’re not really an author. You find excuses for disengagement. I lived abroad for a long time. If I didn’t fit in there, well, it was the language. That story won’t wash back home.

It’s relationships that make us happy

‘I am condemned to be free’, said Jean Paul Sartre, a very unhappy man, but we know exactly what he meant. Only you can give your life a meaning. We do it most often through family, work, a hobby, interest or pastime: the bloke who will do anything for his kids, the driven careerist, the guy who hates his job but loves running. It is giving meaning to our lives in these ways that gives us a place in the world. But this alone isn’t enough. It’s not an end in itself. What me and perhaps a lot of other men have forgotten (if we ever knew) is that through the things we make meaningful we also develop and nurture the only thing that really makes us happy – relationships.

Never mind Sartre, look no further than the film ‘Up In The Air’when George Clooney’s self-obsessed character says: ‘If you think about it, your favourite memories, the most important moments in your life… were you alone?’

The answer, as George realises, is no. It’s not the time alone that makes you lonely. It’s the neglect of relationships that too much time alone results in. Don’t realise it and you could be on a lonely road: lone wolf at 30, isolated at 40, lonely at 50. Do realise it and that’s when you need to start building bridges. (And hope you haven’t burned too many.) But that’s another article.

—Picture Credit: Flickr/DeusXFlorida

Jim Pollard is a writer and editor with an interest in men’s health. He edits menshealthforum.org.uk.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Man V Fat: what’s the best way for men to lose weight?

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A staggering two-thirds of men in the UK are classed as overweight or obese according to the Men’s Health Forum.

If you’re one of the big, fat majority of men who need to lose some lard, then should definitely take a look Man V Fat. It’s a free, monthly, online magazine that launched this year and is dedicated to helping men lose weight.

If you want a low fat (but wisdom rich) taster of the type of articles you’ll find at Man V Fat, then carry on reading. One of Man V Fat’s regular features is “The Fixer”, a type of Agony Uncle for chubby chaps. Here’s what the fixer had to say to a Man V Fat reader who asked about the best diet to help men lose weight:

Frequently I’m asked “what’s the best diet to follow for weight loss?, and unfortunately there isn’t an easy answer to that question. If someone was to invent a process of identifying a perfect diet for a specific-client, that person would become very successful quickly. In reality one diet may work well for someone but not another. Finding a diet that will work for you can be a complex and a frustrating process, and you may have already gone through a trial and error process in your search for the perfect diet.

Stay away from fad diets 

Of course moving away from the fad diets is important however there are many diet plans out there that have proved to be effective.

There is a vast rage of diets from calorie counting diets to diets focusing on controlling specific food types and amounts. However they all focus on one aim. To promote energy deficit. In simple terms this means eating less than you body needs (so it therefore starts using fat stores for energy. Some examples of common diet plans used for weight loss includes:

  • The low carbohydrate diet
  • Calorie counting/healthy eating
  • Meal replacements
  • Commercial weight management groups
  • Mediterranean diet
  • Very low calorie liquid diets

They all have positive and negative aspects. It’s about choosing the right one for you. Some may require more planning and organization but offer flexibility (making it day-to-day lie friendly), whilst others are very prescriptive and take very little planning (are therefore difficult to ‘stick’ to.) The key point being none of these have demonstrated superiority over any other in the long-term.

If you want to lose weight, be realistic 

From my experience, clients that plan their diet to suit their individual circumstances can demonstrate change in learning behaviours long-term. Following a personalised diet plan can sometimes be more realistic and sustainable.

How to achieve this? By starting simple. Some ideas could include reducing your portion sizes (of the foods you are already eating). Or reduce the frequency of a specific food or drink that you may want to limit. Ensure that your diet is balanced with a variety of foods, and you may want to seek support from a professional to help you achieve this. The key point being, it’s your plan. Set specific goals, whilst quantifying your progress (e.g. weight, clothes size).

A one size fits all doesn’t work, and don’t feel negatively about not following your approach to the letter, just remember to monitor your progress and if you’re not meeting your goals, reassess and adjust the plan. If willpower is not an issue, maybe focussing your willpower in a different direction may be beneficial.

Thanks to our friends at Man V Fat for allowing us to publish this article. If you want to find out more about Man V Fat’s excellent free magazine for men who want to lose weight you can visit their website, join them on facebook or follow them twitter. 

—Photo credit: Flickr/Alan Cleaver 

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Unpaid care work: not just a job for the girls after all

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Photo courtesy: Cristian Stefanescu

A few weeks ago I got chatting to an old Irish fella in a pub. He was a tough-looking bloke, a career drinker, with a nose like a soggy walnut. He looked to be in his 70s, but he was probably younger.

He told me that he’d come over from Ireland as a young man and had been a labourer ever since, mainly laying pavement slabs for the council. There’s good money in it, he said.

He explained that you’d get paid by the yard – not the hours – and the trick was in setting out your work. You didn’t lift the slabs, you walked them. You’d make sure the lorry dropped off piles along the road, that way you’d have a goal to work towards and you wouldn’t have to keep going back on yourself and break your back carrying them.

I’m not telling you this because of some romanticised bullshit about physical labour, nice old fellas in pubs, or how the Irish are salt of the earth, to be sure.  I’m telling you this because of what he said next and how it tells a bigger story about our wrong-headed assumptions of men. You see, this tough old Irish navvy was in fact an unpaid domestic carer for his wife.

‘Now it’s my turn’

He was in the pub because he was on the way back from his daily visit to see her in hospital. She had dementia and he’d been caring for her at home, but she’d had a crisis and needed to be taken in.

He explained to me how he’d cleaned her each day, how he knew when she needed to go to the toilet, or wanted some food. He told me of his frustration at not being allowed to bring her home. He was angry that he was surrounded by professionals who thought they knew best, but he knew didn’t care as much about her as he did.

But what I remember most of all, is him telling me in his cracked, smoker’s Irish accent, with quiet resolve and a total absence of self-pity:

“Ah, she’s always been lovely to me. She’s not the prettiest girl in the world, but she was lovely to me. Now it’s my turn. That’s just the way it is.”

By Dan Bell

If you liked this article and want to read more, follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

*****

This week the Men’s Health Forum published research showing that contrary to the popular stereotype of caring being solely a female role, more than four in ten (42%) of unpaid carers in the UK are male, amounting to some 2.5m male carers in the UK.

Martin Tod, chief executive of the Men’s Health Forum, said male carers: “Face real extra health and work challenges that aren’t always properly addressed. Employers need to recognise that men can be carers too – and health and social care services needs to do more to address the physical and mental health needs of male carers – especially the hidden carers who may not be known to the system. Both employers and health services need to do more to provide the tailored support that male carers need.”

The report, which surveyed more than 600 male carers found that:

  • More than one in four male carers in employment would not describe or acknowledge themselves as a carer to others, meaning they may not get the support they need at work
  • Over half of the male carers (53%) surveyed felt that the needs of male carers were different to those of female carers, many citing that men find it harder to ask for help and support and that balancing work and caring is challenging, particularly if they are the main earner.

The report ‘Husband, Partner, Dad, Son, Carer?’ was commissioned by Carers Trust to look into the experiences and needs of male carers, and to help raise awareness of the fact that they might not be getting the support they need.

Are you a man who’s a carer? Do you know a man who is? Please leave us a comment and tell us about it. If you’d like to write an article for us about your experiences, even better.