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How I Overcame My Mental Health Issues — and how you can too

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When I was eight years old, my father received a phone call at home, “we’re coming to kill you, tonight”, said the voice on the other end. It was 1972 in Uganda, and my family and I were forced to flee for our lives from Idi Amin’s ruthless henchmen.

For most people, the seeds of their mental health problems were sown in their childhood. While each person’s life is unique, we can, nevertheless, discern common patterns and scenarios that tend to produce certain types of mental health issues.

I’ve experienced more than my fair share of challenging childhood circumstances and subsequent mental health issues (depression, OCD, anxiety, body dysmorphia). While my childhood story is more dramatic than most, the challenges I faced are common enough: abandonment, rejection, alienation, guilt, unsafe environments, the need to be in control, unhappiness with my body, to name but a few.

Don’t give up

Having accepted and overcome my emotional traumas and healed my mental health issues, it’s now my life’s work to share my experiences and use what I’ve learnt, to help other people overcome their issues.

Often the very first step is to get people talking about their mental health issues — nothing gets better if you just bottle it all up and try to hide it. Often, speaking about it will lift the heavy weight of secrecy that has been adding to the other stresses.

(Please note that this article deals with the milder forms of mental illness such as depression, OCD, anxiety, phobias etc. It does not apply to conditions such as psychosis, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder etc.)

‘I realised that I was believing a lot of stuff that wasn’t true’

My mental health issues improved because I didn’t give up on them and I didn’t get let them own me – I kept learning about them and about myself, and I kept looking for the underlying causes of the symptoms.

I went to counselling, group therapy, personal development workshops, and I read books and talked to lots of people about it, and I learnt that I had to address the problem from two different angles:

  • Surface level stuff – I had to handle my day-to-day fears and dramas
  • Core level stuff – I had to sort out my beliefs about myself and about life

I realised that I was believing a lot of stuff that wasn’t true, and those beliefs were ruining my life. I didn’t know what all those false beliefs were, but I was determined to find out. Some of the beliefs that I discovered along the way were: “I’m not safe here”, “I have to make everybody happy”, “I am deformed”. The next stage of the process is to stop believing them – which is often easier said than done.

I realised that in order to free myself from my repetitive life script, I had to retrieve the lost parts of myself that had kept me repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Life kept showing me where I was stuck (by putting me in similar situations where I would repeat the same old mistakes) and finally I realised that it was all stemming from the moments in my life where my spirit got broken and I got emotionally stuck.

‘I notice, then I breathe’

I would have to re-examine those moments with fresh eyes, to see what I could learn from them, to discover what false beliefs I had created, and how they affected my behaviour.

Slowly I discovered how to release the ‘depressed’ pause buttons that had halted my emotional growth. There was no shame, no blame, just naming the truth of what had happened and unlearning the false beliefs about myself and about how life worked.

In order to deal with my day-to-day, surface level issues I invented the following self-calming technique:

  • I notice when my mind has been taken over by fear, fantasies of the future, or unfinished business from the past
  • Then in that moment, I take a deep breath, and think to myself, “Thank you for reminding me of who I used to be”

As I exhale, I allow myself to be calm, present and I remind myself that I don’t have to continue being the way that I used to be — I can choose to be different now — especially when I know that my old behaviours were based on false beliefs. I remind myself of what I now know to be true, and that I’m in my current circumstances and not back in some old, childhood scenario. Then I decide to respond to the current circumstances calmly and with awareness, rather than reverting back to the old, unthinking, reactive behaviours.

‘Never let a problem of the mind define you as a person’

I believe that there are important keys to dealing successfully with many mental health issues:

  • Never let a problem of the mind define you as a person. Own your story, don’t let it own you – don’t be it.
  • Don’t give up. Be determined to uncover and remedy the root causes that are negatively impacting your life. Keep taking the next step, and when something comes up, look for the pattern, look for the underlying cause. Sometimes the progress will be gradual and sometimes you’ll have big breakthroughs. But whatever you do, keep at it. I’m living proof that you can succeed.

I was able to undo my false beliefs and now I love my life, I accept my past and I live with purpose. I love working one-on-one with people, I love facilitating groups and I also love training people to run their own groups so we can spread the benefits to more communities — this is what I am here for and it brings me alive. It’s funny how my life purpose was buried under my fears and pain!

Follow Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/KennyDCruz

Photo: Flickr/Matt Cunnelly

How a conflicted and tragic father-son relationship launched the UK’s only health and wellbeing centre for vulnerable men

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Earlier this month an extraordinary couple from Burton upon Trent opened a unique and ground breaking new male-only health and wellbeing centre to support some of the most vulnerable men in their community.

The Eaton Foundation, which encompasses mental health, addiction, homelessness and life skills support under one roof, is the first and only such centre in the UK specifically targeted at men.

The centre has been met with warm and widespread local and national media coverage, but what the reports mentioned only in passing, was the complex and tragic father-son relationship that was its inspiration.

Alex and Jessica Eaton were driven to establish the centre after the death of Alex’s father two years ago, who despite suffering from alcoholism and complex mental health problems, had repeatedly fallen through the cracks of local health and social care.

‘He would drink just to function’

Alex spoke with insideMAN shortly before the centre opened about the conflicted relationship he had with a father who he loved deeply despite his destructive behaviour and the bleak circumstances that led to his death aged just 52.

“He’d suffered from mental health problems, substance abuse, homelessness, everything really. But because my dad was drunk quite a lot of the time, they would say it was his own choice and they couldn’t help him.”

“He was vulnerable, what I mean by that, he was an alcoholic, he was chemically dependent on his alcohol.

“On pay day, he would get up, go to the shop and he would buy a big litre bottle of 20-20 and he would down that and he would buy two of those gold labels too, just to function in the morning.”

When trying to get his father help, Alex tried the local rehab centre, local crisis team, local mental health team, none of whom could help, or had six month waiting lists.

‘I thought, I’ll never be like you’

“When nothing else worked and my dad was coming round causing lots of trouble, we had to go to the police.”

The police then put him in a mental health unit.

Despite his father’s destructive behaviour Alex loved his father and invited him to come and stay with him and his girlfriend — Alex would ask him not to drink in the house, but his father would hide the alcohol and drink anyway. His behaviour eventually took a heavy toll on Alex’s relationship with his girlfriend.

Alex says they had a deeply complex and conflicted bond – in the end his father became a role model for what he never wanted to become. Alex doesn’t drink or smoke, let alone do drugs.

“One thing my dad said to me, ‘you’re just like me’, and I thought, I’ll never be like you.”

Dearth of male-focused services

He believes a major reason why his father was unable to get the helped he needed, was because he was a man and that the lack of male-focused services was compounded by the pressures men feel under to be stoic and cope alone.

“We’ve always seen there’s a gap in service provision for men, it seems like in this day and age, women and children are favoured over men.”

“To be a man, you’re always told you have to be strong, kind of be emotionless.”

“Basically, even women think men have to be the ones who go out to work, to be strong, basically to be the structure of the family, that’s the expectation that’s been put on us as men.”

“I think that absolutely when men do suffer with mental health problems, or do suffer with addiction, they feel it’s better to try and hide it.”

‘He would have been proud’

“I think men are scared of admitting that there is something wrong, because they don’t want to appear weak, in case they get laughed at or mocked.”

Alex’s father over-dosed at a homeless hostel after drinking heavily and taking a combination of prescription medication and illegal drugs.

A week after his father’s death, Alex was sitting down with his wife discussing what provision there was for men in his father’s position in their area, he says “there was no centre in our area for men, basically, so we just thought, why don’t we open our own organisation and it went from there”.

“We provide a holistic support package. With the complex mental health problems we come across, you can’t afford to be one-dimensional.”

“You can give someone counselling for years and years, but if you have housing problems, with bailiffs coming through the door, it will never go away, you need a whole package to get round those issues.”

“When we first opened the charity, we did feel no-one took us seriously, but since we’ve been gaining momentum, we feel we’ve opened a lot of people’s eyes locally and even nationally, and it’s even got to the stage where people want one of these mental health centres in their own area, and this one is not even open yet. We’ve had a lot of local support”

“At the end of the day, I know my dad would have been really proud of what we’re doing and that we’re helping other people like him.”

“Our target this year was to see 100 individual men, but are now looking to help even more.”

By Dan Bell

Image: The Eaton Foundation

When it comes to health, the male elephant is still outside the room

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For nearly 40 years, as a man personally and professionally, I have struggled uncomfortably with the issue of the “male elephant in the room”; in fact not even in the room, but outside the door.

My journey as a boy, son, young male, man, husband, father, single parent father, community worker, unemployed male, mental health service user, founder of a social enterprise, social entrepreneur, counsellor, psychologist, criminologist and grandfather, has been enlightening for me as a male. I have observed both in my own life and through observing the many thousands of people that have been fellow journeymen, that men in England are as much emotionally outside the door as they were in my childhood days.

— This is article #59 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys

Equality between men and women has radically changed in many ways but in one way it has not. According to research by Professor Brid Featherstone men are four times more likely to commit suicide than women and four times less likely to ask for help.

Men’s gender issues overlooked

Men are still only 10% of single parents which is a figure that has not really changed since I became one in 1987 — not by choice, but by chance and necessity. In my world of family mental health, men are still seen as the “problem” not the solution and often seen as the perpetrator of the “problem”. Fatherhood as a specific subject within children and families policy “yoyos” in and out of favour, whilst motherhood is still mainly in a saintly position.

My argument is not that men at times do not behave badly, or are not perpetrators and abusers, but that the gender issues that men and fathers face are not given the same recognition as those faced by women and mothers.

For example, if we take the sad issue of suicide, it is statistically clear that 75% of these deaths are men in UK, but this is not debated as a male issue. Men and depression does now get highlighted, but the NHS and the Government have not made the issue a high priority.

There have been some excellent reports at local, regional, and national level since 2010, but when I raise this issue with mental health commissioners they in the main see it as an added-value subject. This means that if we have some money at the end of the financial year, we will perhaps commission a report. Fatherhood is also in this relegation zone — there were an emerging number of father worker posts within children and families departments across England, but it appears that this add-on and non-statutory luxury is on the austerity cutting-room floor.

Men need to be empowered

My Time CIC — based in the West Midlands and strangely also now in Isle of Wight, which I founded 12 years ago and by some miracle still plods on like an over-active tortoise — still flies the flag for men and women to get parity and equality within mental health and family services.

A huge proportion of children in care are there due to the mental health problems of parents and as a consequence of domestic violence. This grave social and economic issue will not be resolved without the male elephant being invited firstly into the room and secondly engaged — whether or not society feels uncomfortable with this. There also has to be a strong focus on women’s, at times, unacceptable behaviour, and on promoting images of men that are positive role models and there are surprisingly many.

Men need to be empowered to take control of their issues and challenge men who are not behaving. It is our responsibility and right. This old elephant is very much sitting in the room.

Michael Lilley is founder and chief executive of My Time CIC (www.mytime.org.uk) which is part of the Richmond Fellowship Group (www.richmondfellowship.org.uk). Michael is currently working on establishing a Well-Being Hotel and Recovery Centre on Isle of Wight.

Reference: Talking Men – Healthcare Counselling and Psychotherapy Journal October 2012

Picture credit: Lucas Santana

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Time to act on men’s mental health

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Dr Luke Sullivan  is a chartered clinical psychologist and the creator of Men’s Minds Matter. He began to specialise in men’s mental health ten years ago, after he worked as a researcher in the London borough of Southwark and found that apart from punitive services for men, there was a complete absence of gender-sensitive information and research on men and boys.

— This is article #46 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys

I have been interested in the mental health and psychological wellbeing of men and boys for over a decade. It’s something I’m passionate about and it has led me to question and challenge assumptions and prejudice that exists towards men. I wanted to share some of my experiences of working with men and boys and where I see opportunities to help.

My work in the NHS is within acute care services. We know men are more likely to take their own lives than women so it’s a place where many men eventually turn up for help, willingly or not. In my experience in crisis services and from my work in men’s mental health there seems to be some common experiences shared by men. These can help in some way to account for the high rate of male suicide.

One of the most consistent findings is that men seek help less than women. This is not just help-seeking from professionals but also help-seeking from friends, families and communities. Crisis services are the last point of call for people experiencing psychological difficulties. Not seeking timely help increases the likelihood that mental health crises occur which is when many suicides happen.

Self medication and risk taking

A further problem is that men have significantly fewer support networks. They often have fewer close friends to turn to when they are struggling and they’re less likely to turn to families or communities for support. We know that after the age of 30 men’s social networks begin to shrink and in later life isolation becomes particularly problematic for men. If men fail to nurture and maintain relationships outside of work and the family they reduce the range support we can draw on when life becomes tough.

Popular culture would have us believe that on average men are less emotionally accessible and able than women. If true this may also have implications for men when they do turn to their friends or professionals for support. For example, many men may not feel equipped to help their male friends with emotional problems or they may not consider it appropriate for their male friends to disclose emotional difficulties. The exact nature of the difference between the emotional experiences of men and women is not really known. What we do know, however, is that men do have emotional needs.

When men present to services they sometimes do no quite fit the criteria for a mental illness. For these men they are less likely to receive diagnoses for common mental health problems such as and anxiety and depression. Men may also identify less with these terms and are therefore less likely to receive statutory services which could be of help.

Men also have a tendency to express their emotional distress externally through problematic behaviour that can affect both them and others. Men use drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism more so than women, they are more likely to gamble and take risks, and men are more likely come into contact with the criminal justice system due to their behaviour. Such behaviours receive a more punitive response which often lacks compassion for the underlying causes.

Growing momentum

I see many of these observations as potential problems for myself and for the other men in my life. Anyone can be struck by a mental health problem given the right conditions. In such circumstances we would all need some form of compassion, help and support. Without it crises inevitably occur as problems worsen. It’s at these times that people are more likely to take their own lives.

The absence of any thinking, action or interventions for men and boys stimulated me to create Men’s Minds Matter as an online resource providing information on their mental health and wellbeing. We wanted to build on conversations that address the high rates of suicide and challenge the stigma attached to mental health specifically from a male perspective. We also wanted find a ways to intervene to help address some of the issues described above.

One of our proposals is for the creation of a national federation of men’s institutes. We have developed some guiding principles for an MI based on helping men to become more connected with each other and their communities. This would help to reduce isolation and increase social support for people to fall back if and when needed. It would harness men’s collective strengths and use these creatively for the benefit of their communities. Most of all it would be a space thoughtfully created specifically for men.

There is growing momentum in the field on men’s mental health but there’s a long way to go before we fully address the psychological challenges faced by men and boys in the UK. Nevertheless the conversations have well and truly started. The face of maleness will be changing as we reclaim and redefine what it means to be men. It has to, too many men are dying.

—Picture: Flickr/mic445

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not necessarily the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Men, it’s time to stop suffering in silence

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If talking about your problems was good enough for Plato and Hamlet, why do so many men today find the only time they discuss the things that are troubling them is when they’re down the pub after a few beers? Here Karl Coppack, writer for Liverpool Football Club’s The Anfield Wrap, explains why it’s time for men to open up.

–This is article #7 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys

Think of every bad soap opera you’ve ever seen. That should be all of them if you ask me but if you’re an aficionado of the form you’ve probably come across a scene where a doomed couple are in the death throes of their (shudder) ‘relationship’. The clichés fall fast and furious until they arrive at this one exchange.

‘Can’t we just talk about it?’

‘Talk? All we’ve done is talk!’

This usually concludes the scene thanks to one of the dramatis personae slamming a door or collapsing in tears. End of Part One.

It’s rare that a man seeks help from a man

Talking is the way we resolve situations or get things off our chests. I can’t believe I’m going to suggest such a thing, but let’s bring in Plato here. He wrote much of his theories in a character format where someone or other would question Socrates about what was on their mind that day – the rights of kings, whether might is right and the thorny issue of poets being banished from the city gates. These were known as ‘the Socratic dialogues’ and they make his point very well. Rather than standing around throwing out theory after theory, he chose to show all sides of the argument. This, as he and others saw it, was the way ideas progressed. Hence, Parliament – from the French ‘parlement’ – to speak. This is getting dangerously close to an ancient political lecture so let’s just say that talking about things tends to get things done. Sometimes.

Moving on a bit from Ancient Greece we only have to look at modern (ish) music. ‘I Don’t Want To Talk About It’ sang Rod Stewart, while subsequently proving that he was actually quite keen on it. ‘A problem halved is a problem shared’ and all that. It’s true too. We’ve all got people we run to when we’re up against it. Thing is, it’s rare that male runs to male unless it’s son to father.

Men are strange like that. We find it very hard to admit to worries and problems and our mates are usually the last to know what’s on our minds. We either muddle through alone or run in the opposite direction.

Men don’t just sail through life with a hardened chin and the heart of a lion, ready to take on any challenges that come our way. We’re not all like Tony Soprano’s hero, Gary Cooper – the strong and silent type. If anything the only skill we truly master is the pretence of complete control. We can fake that easily enough and for the lucky amongst us who can steer their ship with a skilled hand so much the better, but there are many who have monsters below the surface.

‘I get that too’

A few weeks ago I was out with some mates and somehow talk turned to what can be loosely described as ‘male issues’. That we did this at all was unusual. We’re a group of lads between the ages of 30 and 50 with differing backgrounds, careers and interests. We’re united primarily by a love of our football club and together we experience the peaks of troughs of emotion through that entity, but apart from that we’re a fairly mixed group. Some of us are obsessed with music, others aren’t. Some are married, some single. Some have kids, others not. We’ve all known each other for years and have travelled up and down the land together, attended each other’s weddings etc., but this is the first time I can ever remember us talking about aspects of our personality or health that concern us. This would never have happened five years ago when we were younger and more defensive about such things.

I don’t want to give the impression that we sat in the corner like some sort of moody Goth council –we’re not like that at all- but there was the odd raised eyebrow when people spoke up. Alcohol helped, of course. In vino veritas and all that, although Birra Moretti was the main lip loosener at the time, but what came over far more than the lack of embarrassment of admitting to perceived weaknesses was that we all saw something in ourselves through the words of others. The sentence ‘I get that too’ was muttered more than once.

Obviously, I won’t go into details about the general topics expressed that night, I’d like them to continue being my friends after all, but in the interests of disclosure I’ll admit to something I’ve kept quiet.

‘I spent a weekend in silence’

For the last few years, I’ve undergone periods of intense gloom. This is nothing like a teenage strop or anything similar but an absolute collapse in self-worth for no obvious reason.  There are times when I cannot face a living soul, times when I’d rather lock the door and not come out unless it’s absolutely necessary. Instead, I prefer to save the world from my interaction, my face and my sense of utter worthlessness. Only last month I spent a weekend in silence. I turned off my phone and just listened to my own mind tell me that I’m useless, hopeless and about to be revealed for the fraud that I undoubtedly am.

There’s no trigger for this. Oddly enough it comes when things are going well or I feel particularly loved – birthday parties, commendations etc. I don’t know what this is but I know what it isn’t. It isn’t depression. I say that not out of some ill-thought mantra about designer illnesses or anything so crass but because I know it will pass and I can manage it accordingly. This isn’t a daily struggle. I don’t have violent mood swings and I don’t seek medication. Furthermore, I am not a danger to myself so I live with it and wait for whatever it is to let me go.  It always does.

The majority of my male mates don’t know this but I have several close female friends who have sat with me and tried to talk me round during these miserable hours. Why is that? Why is one ear better than another? Why can they know but not them?

Well, the truth is that I’m a bit embarrassed by it. I know I shouldn’t be but there we are. Those paragraphs were difficult to write as I know what it is to come – he just wants attention, look at him with his fancy ‘sensitive’ condition, look at him begging for sympathy. Actually, that’s the last thing I want. If anything that would make it worse. During those times I’d rather not have proof that there are others who agree with the overwhelming consensus within my id. No thanks.

‘For every sympathetic ear, there’s a boorish lout…’

There are always people ready to cast stones of disgust. Look at the recent suicide of Robin Williams. Despite the outpouring of emotion at such a loss some just couldn’t help themselves. Here’s Alan Brazil, a former footballer and DJ of the radio station Talksport. Like many he thought that it was Robbie and not Robin Williams who had died in the night. He expressed relief at that live on air.

“And then when she said ‘Robin’, I thought, ‘oh, okay’. It didn’t hit me hard like it would if it had been Robbie, thank God it wasn’t.

“He’s got a daughter, what’s she feeling this morning? I don’t have a lot of sympathy I’m sorry.”

“But that’s the way I feel, I’m sorry. What you leave behind is diabolical…. I’m really annoyed about that.”

Well, we’ll all have to live with your anger, Alan.

What he fails to realise is that Robin Williams knew full well the impact his suicide would have on his family. Of course he did. He’d probably considered suicide many times before but his family pulled him back from the brink. Then one day it wasn’t enough to save him. I don’t want to think about what it must be like to be in that situation and see death as preferable and it’s the likes of Alan Brazil’s with their derision that keeps these issues hidden. For every sympathetic ear there’s a boorish lout who bays ‘why don’t they just walk it off’ to anyone within earshot.  Little wonder then that men find it difficult to feel tell others that they are experiencing depression, drinking problems or whatever going on in their lives when they’re met with a cacophony of scorn from ‘those who must express a view’.

Gender divide

Of course women get depression and its various strains too but that’s treated differently. They aren’t subject to the stereotypical machismo that governs our lives. Men have to be strong. Men have to answer to peer pressure. Men can never admit to frailty etc. Quite ridiculous, of course, but there we are. The term ‘show your feminine side’ is generally pejorative in tone. Great. We’ll just eat ourselves up then, shall we? Harsh maybe, but that’s what many choose to do.

There are considerable pressures on us all these days. Life is an attainment race as it is and with these accompanying hurdles there’s no wonder that we struggle from time to time. Most of us would rather change an aspect of their lives be it career, health, looks or all of the above and that judgment is constant, whether it’s from ourselves or others.

There is a gender divide at play. None of my female friends have this need for validation. Whether this is because we’re just wired differently or because society expects different things from men and women is hard to say. But there is a difference in how we deal with life’s time bombs. Men seem less willing to ask other men for help.

So, did anything come of this chat? Not really. We simply went back to usual agenda of the evening but it was a start. We each admitted that we’re not all ‘well’ in a general sense. We all have things in our minds that dig into our ribs and sharing them doesn’t make us weaker. If anything it makes you the opposite. If you find that your friends have similar worries it makes your own a little more manageable.

Keep talking. It can’t hurt.

Karl is a former writer for Through The Wind and Rain and a whole host of others who are desperate for copy. Troubled with the modern world, grimaces at ball-playing centre halves and frowns at fancy-dan back heels. Apt to talk about the magnificence of Ray Kennedy wherever possible.

Karl’s debut novel, And What Do You Do? is available on Kindle download (not about footy). To check out more of his writing visit The Anfield Wrap and follow him on Twitter @thecenci

Photo courtesy: Cristian Stefanescu

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com.