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Why I gave up university to be a dad

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One dad shares the challenging circumstances that lead him to become a father and a step father.

The bond between parent and child is one that is very special and something that is grown and nurtured from birth. If you fully embrace your parenting journey your bond will flourish from day one and keep growing indefinitely. As romantic as this ideal sounds though. Sometimes like my own experience you are catapulted in to the world of parenting, skipping the baby years and are faced straight away with a confused toddler wondering who you are.

I first met Seth at the age of three, I had been seeing Seth’s mom for a couple of months and she had made the important decision to hold off introducing me until our relationship was serious. I fell in love with him that very first meeting and as I picked up his toy box with him sitting in it and began to fly him around the room I knew instantly there was a special connection and that things were going to be great.

I had craved a family from the age of around sixteen but I was creeping up to 30 before meeting ‘the one’. Our time together was (and still is) filled with laughter and fun and as the months went by my relationship with Seth blossomed. For months I viewed him as Laura’s son but some amazing news the day after my 30th birthday, set in to motion a relationship I wasn’t expecting.

When mum fell ill

I was going to be a dad, and have a child that in all intents and purposes was mine, that was an extremely exiting thought and something I had always dreamed of. The smiles and excitement soon turned to worry and upset though and as Seth’s beautiful mom fell very ill and spent many weeks in hospital.

To say it turned our world around is an understatement, but despite the hardships and the emotional roller coaster, it turned out to be an amazing thing for mine and Seth’s father/son relationship. Our time together shaped the love and affection we have for each other today.

The events of our pregnancy pushed me to drop out of university and I also left my job as I had to look after Seth. This was uncommon ground for me and I won’t lie, for someone who had spent most of his life looking after only himself this was frightening. Any money we had saved had soon gone, I wasn’t driving at that point so travel costs back and forth to a hospital over 20 miles away had eaten up everything.

Turning adversity into adventure

Things got so tough that it got to the point where me and Seth were waking up in the morning, walking almost 2 miles to the train station, avoiding the ticket guy for the 20 miles of the journey and then walking almost 2 1/2 miles from the station to the hospital, every day.Some days we would arrive for the morning visiting slot and hang around the hospital until 9pm. It was heartbreaking seeing Seth’s mom suffering but we were there for her, as a family.

It opened my eyes to how parenting should be, the effort I put in to keeping Seth’s mind away from the more serious issues that we’re unfolding was exhausting, we built a base in a weeping willow on the hospital grounds, we went on adventures between visiting slots, we read books and lay on the grass for hours telling stories. As much as I was doing everything I could for him he was unknowingly doing just as much for me and was keeping me grounded.

Thankfully those months passed, our youngest arrived, despite even more drama (but that’s another story) and Mrs M gradually got back to full health, but that lesson in parenting never went away and that same amount of effort and attention is today how I spend my days taking care of both of my boys.

Still a doting dad

Sometimes its the hardships in life that get you where you need to be emotionally and bring out a side of you that can sometimes be buried deep. I’ll never forget the story of how mine and Seth’s relationship grew and how much we relied on each other to get us through a pretty dark time. I will always view Seth as my first child and thanks to his mom, I have now been lucky enough to be given the chance to fully embrace this side of me and become a stay at home dad.

I may not have had the baby years with Seth but the experiences we have shared together since that special day that we met has more than made up for that and the tough times we shared together have built a relationship that is fit for any doting father.

—Photo: pauly@giftsfromthepirates

 

Pauly is a stay at home dad to two boys. He blogs at Gifts From The Pirates and can be found on twitter @PirateGifts.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

 

Dads, what would you do if your son pushed a bully?

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My youngest son, Jack, has always been a passionate young man; keen to see fairness, ensure everyone is safe and protect others from injustice with a strong voice and righteous energy – and I love him for it.

A few years ago, when he was just 6 years old, he was in the playground at break time and used this knightly energy to protect his friend, Tom, also 6 – and unhappily the wearer of a stomach mounted insulin pump, from another child’s violence. Jack and Tom, being active type boys, were playing a tig type game within a group when Tom was kicked violently in the stomach by another boy who was enraged by an unfairness.

Jack immediately and instinctively, whilst dodging further blows, shoved the angry boy away hard and shouted clearly and strongly that kicking Tom was not ok. He then comforted his mate and took him sobbing and in some discomfort to the playground supervisor, for adult help.

Zero tolerance gone mad?

What followed was a really good illustration of how confused some institutions and their staff have become around the whole area of behaviour, the nature of being a boy, violence – and the dreaded zero tolerance policy. Now, the boy who had violently kicked out had some diagnosed behavioural issues – so was appropriately talked to along the lines of agreed and planned responses to his anti-social behaviours – so far so good and to be applauded.

The victim, Tom, was taken to see the school office to check his pump and he were ok, was helped to calm down and given sympathy – also good, and what we would all, I feel sure, want for our youngster. My son, who remember was only 6, and had protected another vulnerable little boy, in the best way he knew how, was taken to the Head and given a warning.

Apparently he had breached the schools ‘zero tolerance’ policy towards violence by aggressively pushing and shouting at the perpetrator. He was given a clear understanding that any such repeat would result in an exclusion, despite his corroborated explanations of what had taken place and his clear and reasoned assertions that Tom needed his protection; that his punishment was simply not a ‘normal’ response and most definitely not fair!

When is it right to be a knight?

You see, despite him being only 6, this policy was not flexible for him; because he did not have a diagnosis of ADHD, that allowed for flexibility and recognition of individuality.

My lovely, loving and brave son came home in tears of injustice, upset and hurt. We talked and I held him and praised him for protecting his friend. I told him it was all of our jobs to protect the vulnerable, that sometimes this needed us to be physical against the aggressor – and that if possible it was better to not use violence; I also let him know that I was pleased he had pushed rather than hit.

That night I made sure that the bedtime story was one that both acknowledged his actions, validated caring for others – and at the same time the ability to recognise that sometimes even the strong and powerful (read school staff – Kings in the story) can get things wrong – and that is ok to forgive them because of their many good deeds along the way, and in looking after and caring for their subjects and their kingdom.

Let common sense prevail

The next day when I dropped Jack at school I reaffirmed the messages I had given him, that I was proud of him and together we walked across the school yard to greet Tom – who gave Jack a spontaneous all enveloping hug. I exchanged eye contact, a smile and a morning greeting with the Head and registered her discomfort – clearly she had also been reflecting; which as an ex residential teacher myself I could both understand and empathise with.

You see in the moment we often have to follow policies and guidelines from ‘on high’ and are left in the wee small hours contemplating what we have done and all too often wishing we had the ability to wind back the clock just a few hours and deal differently with conflicting feelings, emotions and requirements.

To beat it all the school topic at that time was the first world war, and , apparently our shooting, bombing and killing was good – because we were ‘the goodies’ and our righteousness meant we were the victors; but the enemies similar acts were all too often war crimes – because they were ‘the baddies’ and so lost. At least in this playground moment only one vulnerable young knightly spirit was momentarily dented, and I was proud to be able to be there, salve the wounds, put him back on his horse, show my pride and set my son back on his wondrous journey on life’s quest.

 —Photo: Flickr/Walt Stone Burner

Paul Mills lives on the West coast of Scotland. He is is a parent, a trainer in the education and care sectors, an ex foster carer and therapeutic teacher who cares passionately about and working with young people, especially boys, as they start their life’s journey.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Why dads still need to fight for better parental leave rights

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I think the introduction of shared parental leave is a great thing. I’ll be honest, I don’t think it will lead to a revolution in childcare, but it is an enormous step in the correct direction.

I’m not convinced it will lead to a huge increase in stay at home fathers. It will, however, give men a greater opportunity to get involved with their children in the early days and, crucially, it will give families flexibility to decide how to organise childcare following the arrival of a new born.

In case you haven’t guessed it, I am leading up to a massive “but”. We’ll deal with that in a moment.

First of all, for those unaware the present maternity and paternity leave systems will be consigned to history as of April 2015. In its place a system of shared parental leave will be introduced. Women will have a mandatory period of two weeks maternity leave. After this mother and father will be able to share fifty weeks of leave and 37 weeks of statutory pay (men will still have the right to two week’s paternity leave so long as it is taken within 56 days of the birth).

In theory, mum could hand the reigns over to dad and return to work after her two week spell of maternity leave ends. Alternatively the couple could decide to spend three months at home together and dad then return to work or whatever suits them best.

Are mums winners or losers?

With April fast approaching, I’ve seen increased discussion and debate about shared parental leave. I have to say I have seen some very compelling arguments coming from the pro-breast feeding lobby. The consensus seems to be that women are essentially losing the right to a guaranteed and protracted period of maternity leave.

I don’t agree with this argument, as I think women are gaining something much more valuable (ie the ability to share the burden of childcare). That said, I sympathise with the argument. You can hardly blame the pro-breastfeeding lobby for expressing concern about this aspect of shared parental leave.

This, however, is where we build up to the massive “but” I was talking about. Women are losing the right to a protracted period of maternity leave. Although men will still have the right to two weeks of paternity leave, there are no safeguards in place to stop a woman from taking all the shared parental leave herself. Mum cannot be forced to share the leave if she doesn’t want (in the spirit of fairness, dad could also refuse to share the leave if he were the main carer).

Let’s not be dramatic. I think the majority of women will be doing cartwheels at the thought of dad at least taking a month or two off following the birth of a child. Speaking from personal experience, this is something any woman who has had a hard or surgical birth will particularly appreciate.

Some mums will refuse to share 

Even so, there is likely to be a small population of women who will refuse to share the parental leave. Maybe the relationship will have broken down, maybe there is a question over paternity or maybe the mum just has no confidence in the father (which can happen for a variety of both genuine and nefarious reasons). There may be instances where interfering and overbearing relatives from the extended family tell the father he is not needed or welcome.

I certainly don’t mean to point the finger at women. Men can be controlling or have no confidence in their partners. If a man happened to be the main carer, there’s every chance he may also refuse to share the leave. The reality, however, is that mum is generally in the more powerful position in the early days and so if anyone is going to be frozen out of the family, it is more likely to be dad.

In other nations where shared parental leave is in force, a “use it or lose it” clause has been inserted into the rules. In other words a man must use some of his shared parental leave within a set time frame or else he will loose the right to it altogether. In most cases this was done because men didn’t take up their leave because they had fears their employer may disapprove if he took a lengthy break to be with the children.

Dads need to fight for a better deal

No such clause exists in the UK’s rules. Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has already said such a move may need to be considered.

If implemented, this may deal with two issues in one go. Firstly, it would put employers in the position where they had to accept that men are likely to take some time off following the birth of a child. Secondly, it would put men and women on a more equal footing and make it more difficult for either party to refuse to share the parental leave.

I believe the next battle we will need to fight is to get a “use it or lose” it clause into the shared parental leave rules. This, I’m afraid, is a battle that us guys will need to fight.

Before signing off, let me repeat what I said at the start; I think shared parental leave is a great thing. It’s a major step in the right direction. To use a cliché, Rome wasn’t built in a day and over the waters in the Republic of Ireland men still only get two weeks of unpaid paternity leave. This shows how far the UK has travelled compared to some nearby neighbours. I simply think we need to accept the new rules, great though they are, will need revising to bring about even greater parity.

—Photo: flickr/Wrote 

John Adams is a married stay at home dad with two young daughters. He was previously a journalist and PR / communications professional but gave this up in 2010 to be a homemaker and look after the children.

In 2012 he launched a parenting blog focused on his experiences as a “man that holds the babies” called Dadbloguk.com  and he now writes for a variety of different publications in addition to his own blog and writes regular articles for insideMAN.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Boys are boys and girls are girls, get over it!

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Yesterday we asked if parents should buy their children gender neutral toys this Christmas. The gender equality expert, Karen Woodall, responded with such a thoughtful comment that we’ve republished here as an article. Here’s what she had to say:

I used to think it was nurture not nature when I had a girl and then she had a boy and I was taught a very very very big lesson…girls and boys are different creatures….the older I get the more I understand how different we are and how that difference is what we need to work with in equalities work not this endless focus on neutral.

The strapline of the old Equal Opportunities Commission used to be: “Women, Men, Different, Equal”. It is a shame that it is not still widely used because this idea that if something is gender neutral it is good, is not actually true in equalities work.

To even up power imbalance you have to make something gender aware not gender neutral because of the way that gender neutral is enacted in a gender biased world …so take the case of toys for example…a gender neutral toy will be likely to be turned into a gendered toy by the girl or boy playing with it. Girls will turn a block of wood into a doll and nurse it and boys will turn it into a gun or some other attacking implement and use it that way.

Messing with a child’s gender identity is cruel 

 

That is because we are not born the same, we are born with different biological drivers and if we nurture those different drivers in children, the argument goes that we shut down their other capabilities, so, although they would turn a block of wood into gendered toys left to themselves, if you want to drive gender neutrality in children what you do is gender proof the toys and ensure that they cannot be identified or used to further gendered expectations.

You would give a girl a science based toy and suround her with messages that this is her identify and a boy a doll and a pram and surround him with messages that this is his identity, that way you counter the nature based stuff. Now when this is put like this most people recoil because they don’t really want children to be socially engineered like this and personally, I thnk those people who interfere with children’s inherent gender identity are clueless and quite cruel.

I was one of those for the first three years of my daughter’s life (how embarrasing to think of it now) in that she was not allowed to have anything pink or anything girly. Then I saw her playing with her friends in nursery and realised that what I was doing was imposing MY beliefs on her instead of allowing her to grow and helping to gently shape that.

Men and women are not the same 

 

Now that she has a boy who is all things that boys can be – sticks, mini cars in his pockets, scuffed knees, grubby face, jumps rolls and generally spends his life upside down if he can – I understand at a very immediate level that if you let difference come through it does.

However, in terms of equalities work there is a long way to go because men and women are not the same and they are not the same within the spectrum of their own gender either. Gender identity is different too, you have very girly girls for example and less girly girls, you have very masculine boys and less masculine boys and allowing that difference within gender identity by promoting and supporting fluidity in the way we express our femine and masculine selves is really important in promoting equality.

Ultimately it is about difference and having the choice to express that difference. We are not all neutral and we are not all the same and when we understand how to cope with our differences then we are into a place called equality.

—Photo Credit: flickr/Ano Lobb

Tell us what you think? Will boys be boys (and girls be girls) or are the toys we give our children helping to condition them to be masculine or feminine?

If you liked this article and want to read more, follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

ABOUT KAREN WOODALL:

Karen Woodall is a partner at the Family Separation Clinic working with the whole family through difficult times.  Karen is a specialist in working with high conflict separation and parental alienation.  Her book Understanding Parental Alienation; learning to cope, helping to heal is in press. Working with families from a non feminist perspective, Karen is co-developing support services which are based upon understanding of family violence and dysfunction as a generational problem and is working alongside Erin Pizzey to build these into a therapeutic model which can be widely used.  

You can follow Karen’s writings at her outspoken and often controversial blog: Karen Woodall.

Also on insideMAN:

Should you buy your kids gender neutral Christmas presents?

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The Equalities Minister, Jo Swinson, has said that gender-specific toys marketed at boys and girls are limiting children’s aspirations and will damage the economy in the long term.

With Christmas fast approaching, we’d love hear from dads of all backgrounds about their experience of raising sons and daughters:

  • What toys did your sons and daughters love playing with?
  • Do you encourage your children to play with toys associated with the “other gender”?
  • Do you think you children face pressure to conform to gender stereotypes?
  • Do you think you face pressure as a parent to nurture boys and girls differently?
  • Is your experience that boys are from Mars and girls are from Venus and that this is just natural?

According to an in depth article by Sally Peck, lead writer at The Telegraph’s new digital parenting hub Mother Tongue (note the sexism against fathers in the title?), Jess Day of the campaign group Let Toys Be Toys, believes that:

“The stereotypes we see in toy marketing connect with the inequalities we see in adult life. By late primary age, research by the Welsh organisation Chwarae Teg shows that children already have very clear ideas about the jobs that are suitable for boys and girls – ideas that are very hard to shake later on.”

According to Peck:

“A growing number of parents, educators and governments want to redress this by making the world “gender-neutral”. The idea is to make all things available to all children. Pink isn’t banned. Rather, it’s up for grabs. More subtly, and onerously, it means being careful about language and behaviour so, for example, boys are given the same amount of attention as girls when they are upset, to counteract the assumption that girls are more emotional and boys are naturally braver.”

Peck says that experts claim that such interventions in childhood will enable girls to grow up able to assert an equal role in the workplace, while boys will be less likely to become stoical adults who are three-to-four times more likely to die from suicide.

Not everyone agrees with the drive towards gender neutral parenting. Peck’s article quotes two women with dissenting views. Siobhan Freegard, founder of the parenting website Netmums says:

“Most ordinary mums will say: ‘Yeah, but boys and girls are different. Parents don’t really get what the point is of campaigns like Pink Stinks,” which fights gender stereotypes.

Angela Spencer, who has owned and operated nurseries for the past 21 years, agrees with Freegard saying:

“Boys and girls develop differently, socially and emotionally. The anatomy of boys and girls is different and their subsequent developmental needs are different. In this ‘gender-neutral’ trend, we are running the risk of losing gender identity completely.”

—Photo Credit: flickr/JDHancock

Article by Glen Poole author of the book Equality For Men

Tell us what you think? Will boys be boys (and girls be girls) or are the toys we give our children helping to condition them to be masculine or feminine?

If you liked this article and want to read more, follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

Also on insideMAN:

How to give “the talk” to your daughter’s boyfriends

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So what should dads say to the boys who want to date their daughter? Carl Beech of CVM has some experience he wants to share….

—This is article #77 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

A lot of men have asked me to write down my thoughts on the approach I take to my teenage girls discovery of “boys”. So here it is. My guide to handling your daughter’s boyfriend without needing to get a shotgun license…

In the build up to facing what is every Dad’s worst nightmare, I asked a few people I knew what they had done when a testosterone laden, hormonally driven, sex crazed teenage boy turned up on the doorstep to take their daughter out.

(Note to any women reading this:- no this isn’t a stereotype and I’m not being shallow or over the top. I was a teenage lad once. I know what was on my mind and it wasn’t a game of charades or shopping).

Mostly people told me that they wanted to try and be the teenage boys friend. FRIEND?!?! WHAT?!?! I don’t want to be his friend. I want to be inside his head with a sense of Godly unpredictable menace. I want him to think of me when his hormones are telling him to do things that he really shouldn’t be doing. I also want him to think about things other than sex. Such as being caring, tender, honoring and respectful. So, as with all good Dad skills, I decided to head off “tango one” at the pass.

(Tango one being the code word for any boyfriend. For those that don’t know what Im on about, its a NATO style designation for a target).

Firstly, I sat down with both my girls and said the following:-

“I know you are interested in boys but I want to say something now because I love you very much and my job is to protect you and care for you…even if that means you don’t always like what I say. In fact, because I love you, I’m prepared to say and do things that wont always make me popular with you, but one day you’ll understand. If theres a boy you want to go out with, I just want you to ask yourself a few questions:-”

1) Will he treat you better than I treat you? (tip here is to set an impossibly high and expensive standard.

2) Will he put you first and think of you when you are out with friends.

3) Will he draw you closer to Jesus (My girls are believers)

4)  I want to have a pep talk with him that will stay between me and him unless he tells you what I said.

My girls thought this was awesome. Yes really! In fact, my wife Karen said that the girls felt loved and secure because of this chat. Daughters need to know that their Dads care and are involved.

So, the big question is, what do I say to Tango 1? Well. here it is:-

“Tango 1, thanks for coming for a chat. I just wanted you to know how precious my daughter is to me… I mean she is really precious and I love her more than I can explain to you. So with that in mind (and please keep that in mind) heres some things that I wanted to say to you;

When you go out, please treat my daughter with respect. Please honour her and put her first. Make sure she is happy and safe.

Please don’t get her to do anything she isn’t happy with..and if she says no to something…please bear in mind that she should only need to say that once and Ive asked her to tell me if you don’t listen to her or upset her because its my job to make sure she is safe and happy and I take that job more seriously than nearly everything else in my life.

Honour and respect are really important values in our family…so if I say my daughter has to be home at 6pm, what time does she need to be home? (Note that 6pm is the right answer technically speaking but the wrong answer from a Dad perspective. 5.55pm is the right answer as this means he is being wise and respecting the time request).

Oh and theres one last thing. Please don’t put your hands anywhere on my daughter where I wouldn’t place my hands. Thanks”.

So whats been the result? When theres been an issue we talk about it. My daughters boyfriend has popped round for a chat when we’ve been unhappy about something. The air is kept clear and my daughters feel safe and we all get on great. So far so good. But if it all goes wrong, they know they can talk to me because I wont and don’t go off the deep end. The boundaries are set but the dialogue is ongoing and constant.

All the best fellas… its a tough gig.

—Picture credit: istolethetv

Carl Beech heads up Christian Vision for Men (CVM), an international evangelistic men’s movement which you can find on twitter @cvmen. You can also find Carl on twitter @carlfbeech.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

How old is too old to be a dad?

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I always envisaged that I’d be a dad by 25-years-old. I’m not quite sure why I had that milestone in mind – perhaps something to do with the age of my folks who had me in their mid-20s – but it has always been important to me to be on the younger side.

-This is article #63 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

No offence is intended to the older parents out there, but I personally feel that both parent and child miss out if they are unable to play together without fear of putting their back out. Having had a very active childhood myself where, as a family, we’d play sports, do activities and generally frolic around, it has always been key for me to give the same experiences to the fruit of my loins.

At 28-years-old, and the missus being 26-years-old, I don’t consider us to be young by any stretch of the imagination, particularly as I’m a few years behind schedule – I’ll be 29-years-old once the little bundle of joy pops out. Yes, we may not go out like we once did at Uni and our idea of fun now might be walking in the woods with the dog or watching box sets (currently House of Cards for anyone interested), but the truth is we seem to be on the younger side of parenthood.

Average age of mums on the rise

This point has been affirmed with recent trips to the midwife and to the hospital where I struggled to spot anyone who looked anywhere near our age. Perhaps that’s down to bad hospital lighting or a lifetime of excessive alcohol and poor diet, but the most likely reason is because everyone is actually older.

A report from the Guardian last year suggested that the age of mums continues to rise as more and more women delay having a child until later in life. The article reads:

The average age of mothers has continued to increase for almost four decades. It is currently 29.7, but 49% of women are over 30 when their baby arrives.

It [The Office for National Statistics] said on Thursday: “The overall rise since 1973 reflects the increasing numbers of women who have been delaying childbearing to later years. Possible influences include increased participation in higher education, increased female participation in the labour force, the increasing importance of a career, the rising opportunity costs of childbearing, labour market uncertainty, housing facts and instability of partnerships.”

Berkhamsted – ‘too posh for Lidl’

That has certainly been our experience to date. Eavesdropping whilst waiting for the midwife / nurse has meant that we’ve discovered that a 39-year-old having her fourth kid and a 36-year-old having her first baby is actually the norm, much to my surprise.

I’d imagine that our experiences have partly been a consequence of where we reside. Berkhamsted – recently described by the Daily Mail as “The town that thinks it’s too posh for a Lidl” – tends to be inhabited by individuals who have moved out of London to settle down, but still need to easily get to the capital.

As such, and as per the ONS quote above, a career can often be seen as the priority, with kids being delayed until the biological clock has nearly ticked its last tock. In other areas of the UK – and I’m including where I was born in this – getting a partner, settling down and having a kid tends to be the norm for those that don’t go on to Further Education, thus teenage parents is quite common place.

There’s obviously no right or wrong when it comes to age and parenthood (with the obvious caveat being those under 16-years-old!) but I find it interesting that in Scunthorpe we would be old parents, yet in Berkhamsted we are young.

This article was originally published on the DADventurer blog here

Picture Credit: Flickr/Stephan Hochhaus

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Love is all you need

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Mums and dads are confronted by a bewildering array of decisions and choices, not to mention endless advice from pundits and experts on what’s ‘best’ for your child. How to navigate all of this? Here Thomas Lynch, co-founder of Scotland’s Dads Rock playgroup network, says that when all is said an done, there’s actually just one answer and it’s really very simple.

— This is article #28 in our #100Voices4Men series

It’s a song, and in my humble opinion an absolute classic.  The simplicity and brilliance of Lennon and McCartney, the two song writers must always be remembered; too often we get caught up in over-analysing and coming up with complex beliefs and theories about the world around us.

There are endless theories about what a boy/man ‘should’ be, how we need to act, react, and what is appropriate and inappropriate.  But to me, love is all you need.

Freedom or boundaries?

My son is six, and together my wife and I are helping him navigate the journey of being a boy.  When you write it down, it seems simple.  All we have to do is keep him on the right path, whatever that may be; we are there to nudge him slightly.  To speak and discuss what he thinks about the world around him.  At times we give him clear lines in the sand, and other times it’s all a bit more mercurial than that.

Sometimes I question my stance, does he need more freedom, and are we too strict?  Or does he need more boundaries?

My sense is that society has shifted and individuals have more personal responsibilities than when I was growing up.  Less reliance on older family members and more reliance on peer groups, and our own beliefs.

Perhaps I feel that way due to my own disconnect with my father.  As my son was finding his personality and gaining his independence, my own father was disappearing.  My father died when my son was four, he had a long illness which took his personality and we lost the ability to really talk and gain those last words of wisdom.

‘The best job in the world’

By the time we all knew he was dying it was too late, my dad was not a man for complex theories on bringing up boys anyway, but it would have been good to be able to try.  In the end, and most importantly we had love, the ability to care for his most basic needs, and hold his hand through his own journey.

I see what my wife and I are doing is holding our son, and at times holding his hand, letting him go a little to feel his way.  Waiting for him to check in with us, as time moves on we will let him go more and I am sure he will come to check in less and less.  At the centre of it all is love, it really is as simple as that.

To me being a parent is the best job in the world, and for fleeting moments I stop and feel overwhelmed by the responsibility.  As they say in Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility.  However reality then kicks in and I remember there is no green goblin or sandman to fight, and that love is all you need.

Thomas Lynch is the co-founder of Dads Rock and Dads Rock Academy, Scotland’s only network of free playgroups for dads and kids, to find out more about their work visit the Dads Rock website here.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not necessarily the views of the insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

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So much for sex equality, ZERO per cent of Brits think mums should work more than dads

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Is the idea that men should have the same choices as women when it comes to balancing career and family the last remaining taboo in the gender revolution?  Glen Poole examines the evidence. 

What’s the biggest remaining taboo when it comes to male and female gender roles in 21st Century Britain? Is it women being soldiers or men being midwives? No, it’s neither, because while 11% of people think women shouldn’t be soldiers and 16% think men shouldn’t be midwives, there is ZERO per cent support amongst the British public for mums working more than their male partners.

That’s correct ZERO per cent.

And this statistic doesn’t come from a straw-poll taken down my local pub or a Mickey Mouse survey of 100 shoppers in the Milton Keynes branch of Mothercare last Tuesday—this comes from the 30th British Social Attitudes survey, which is described as “a critical gauge of public opinion [which is] used by the Government, journalists, opinion formers and academics”.

So this isn’t a survey that makes a passing contribution to the public discourse on gender once a year, it’s  a highly influential survey  that informs the Government policies which shape our everyday lives as men and women. According to the survey’s authors, the “gender role revolution”, which took off if the second half of the 20th Century has been matched by a marked change in public attitudes since they began collecting data in the early Eighties.

In 1984, for example, 45 per cent of men and 41 per cent of women agreed with this statement: “A man’s job is to earn money; a woman’s job is to look after the home and family”. By 2012 only 13 per cent of men and 12 per cent of women agreed.

So is the sexual revolution complete?

If you think that the sexual revolution is all about transforming women’s roles and opportunities, then the job is all but done when it comes to public attitudes. Only 13% of people agree with the man-hunt-woman-cook approach to gender and it’s a belief that’s fading fast with each passing generation. In total, while 28% of those over 65 support the gendered division of labour, only 4% of 18-25 year olds share this view.

But before we chaps throw our bowler hats in the hair and join our womenfolk in a chorus of Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves, what about the question of gender that is so taboo, that is doesn’t even warrant a passing mention in the narrative of the British Social Attitudes survey? I’m talking about the radical idea that dads might earn less than their partners.

You see, the idea that women take sole responsibility for home and family may well have disappeared and yet women, on average, still take prime responsibility for the home. This idea is covered quite extensively in the survey under the heading “attitudes have changed but have behaviours?” which provides the following factoids:

  • 6 in 10 women consider they do more than their fair share of the household work
  • Both men and women agree, that women spend much more time a week on average, both on household work and looking after family members

Is this the last big gender taboo?

But nowhere in the survey does anyone ask if women do their fair share of paid work. In fact the survey simply accepts the culturally held given that when it comes to family life, men will always be the primary breadwinners.

So while there has been a seismic shift away from the belief that women should be solely responsible for taking care of home and family—any movement away from the belief that women should the primary homemakers, while men should be the main breadwinners, is imperceptible.

This shows up in two key questions in the report. Firstly in questions about attitudes towards parental leave, which asked how mums and dads should share this entitlement. What they discovered was that 59% of us think women should take all or most of the parental leave entitlement, while 22% think it should be shared equally. The rest of us either haven’t got an opinion or think that nobody should be entitled to parental leave. But what about, dads taking all or most of the parental leave, well:

ZERO percent thought dads should take all or most parental leave

The second area of the survey that reveals a total lack of support amongst the British public for the idea that mums should “lean in” and take primary responsibility for paid work while dads “lean out” and take primary responsibility for the home and kids, is found in the answers to this question:

“What is the best and least desirable way for a family with child under school age to organise family and work life by sex.”

What this question reveals is possibly the most deeply ingrained, sexist belief, that is held by both men and women and impacts the life choices available to every young man and woman in the country.

In 21st Century Britain this is how we still think about gender roles:

  • 69% of us think dad should be the primary earner
  • 9% of us think mum and dad should share the earning responsibility equally
  • 19% of us are undecided
  • ZERO percent think mum should be the primary earner

There is very little difference between men’s and women’s attitudes on this question:

  • 71% of men and 68% of women think dad should be the primary earner
  • 9% of men and 10% of women think think mum and dad should share the earning responsibility equally
  • ZERO percent of men and women think mum should be the primary earner

What choice do men have?

What’s striking about this survey (apart from the fact that it fails to even question these ingrained beliefs that men should be the primary earner), is the lack of choice available to men, compared with women.

For women, there is fairly even support for the three main options of motherhood, which are to stay at home, to work part time or to work full time. As the survey reveals:

  • 33% of us think mums should stay at home until the children start school
  • 43% think mums should work part time until the children start school
  • 28% think mums should work full time once the kids start school

This range of choices simply isn’t available for most men, so much so, that the question of whether dads should stay at home, work part-time or work full-time isn’t even asked in the survey. What we can read from other questions in the survey is that:

  • 73% of us think dads should work full time
  • 5% of us think dads should work part time
  • ZERO percent of us think dads should stay at home full time

When you take this into account, it’s little wonder that there’s a “gender pay gap”; that dads get sidelined from their children’s lives when parents are separated and that men don’t do their “fair share” of unpaid work.

So how do we respond to this? Do we demand equal opportunities and choices for men? Do we demand that women start to do their fair share of paid work? Or do we simply accept that men and women have different and unequal desires when it comes prioritising career and family? We’d love to hear your views…….

—Photo credit: Flickr/Antony Pranata

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Article by Glen Poole author of the book Equality For Men

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