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Dads, what would you do if your son pushed a bully?

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My youngest son, Jack, has always been a passionate young man; keen to see fairness, ensure everyone is safe and protect others from injustice with a strong voice and righteous energy – and I love him for it.

A few years ago, when he was just 6 years old, he was in the playground at break time and used this knightly energy to protect his friend, Tom, also 6 – and unhappily the wearer of a stomach mounted insulin pump, from another child’s violence. Jack and Tom, being active type boys, were playing a tig type game within a group when Tom was kicked violently in the stomach by another boy who was enraged by an unfairness.

Jack immediately and instinctively, whilst dodging further blows, shoved the angry boy away hard and shouted clearly and strongly that kicking Tom was not ok. He then comforted his mate and took him sobbing and in some discomfort to the playground supervisor, for adult help.

Zero tolerance gone mad?

What followed was a really good illustration of how confused some institutions and their staff have become around the whole area of behaviour, the nature of being a boy, violence – and the dreaded zero tolerance policy. Now, the boy who had violently kicked out had some diagnosed behavioural issues – so was appropriately talked to along the lines of agreed and planned responses to his anti-social behaviours – so far so good and to be applauded.

The victim, Tom, was taken to see the school office to check his pump and he were ok, was helped to calm down and given sympathy – also good, and what we would all, I feel sure, want for our youngster. My son, who remember was only 6, and had protected another vulnerable little boy, in the best way he knew how, was taken to the Head and given a warning.

Apparently he had breached the schools ‘zero tolerance’ policy towards violence by aggressively pushing and shouting at the perpetrator. He was given a clear understanding that any such repeat would result in an exclusion, despite his corroborated explanations of what had taken place and his clear and reasoned assertions that Tom needed his protection; that his punishment was simply not a ‘normal’ response and most definitely not fair!

When is it right to be a knight?

You see, despite him being only 6, this policy was not flexible for him; because he did not have a diagnosis of ADHD, that allowed for flexibility and recognition of individuality.

My lovely, loving and brave son came home in tears of injustice, upset and hurt. We talked and I held him and praised him for protecting his friend. I told him it was all of our jobs to protect the vulnerable, that sometimes this needed us to be physical against the aggressor – and that if possible it was better to not use violence; I also let him know that I was pleased he had pushed rather than hit.

That night I made sure that the bedtime story was one that both acknowledged his actions, validated caring for others – and at the same time the ability to recognise that sometimes even the strong and powerful (read school staff – Kings in the story) can get things wrong – and that is ok to forgive them because of their many good deeds along the way, and in looking after and caring for their subjects and their kingdom.

Let common sense prevail

The next day when I dropped Jack at school I reaffirmed the messages I had given him, that I was proud of him and together we walked across the school yard to greet Tom – who gave Jack a spontaneous all enveloping hug. I exchanged eye contact, a smile and a morning greeting with the Head and registered her discomfort – clearly she had also been reflecting; which as an ex residential teacher myself I could both understand and empathise with.

You see in the moment we often have to follow policies and guidelines from ‘on high’ and are left in the wee small hours contemplating what we have done and all too often wishing we had the ability to wind back the clock just a few hours and deal differently with conflicting feelings, emotions and requirements.

To beat it all the school topic at that time was the first world war, and , apparently our shooting, bombing and killing was good – because we were ‘the goodies’ and our righteousness meant we were the victors; but the enemies similar acts were all too often war crimes – because they were ‘the baddies’ and so lost. At least in this playground moment only one vulnerable young knightly spirit was momentarily dented, and I was proud to be able to be there, salve the wounds, put him back on his horse, show my pride and set my son back on his wondrous journey on life’s quest.

 —Photo: Flickr/Walt Stone Burner

Paul Mills lives on the West coast of Scotland. He is is a parent, a trainer in the education and care sectors, an ex foster carer and therapeutic teacher who cares passionately about and working with young people, especially boys, as they start their life’s journey.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

Boys are boys and girls are girls, get over it!

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Yesterday we asked if parents should buy their children gender neutral toys this Christmas. The gender equality expert, Karen Woodall, responded with such a thoughtful comment that we’ve republished here as an article. Here’s what she had to say:

I used to think it was nurture not nature when I had a girl and then she had a boy and I was taught a very very very big lesson…girls and boys are different creatures….the older I get the more I understand how different we are and how that difference is what we need to work with in equalities work not this endless focus on neutral.

The strapline of the old Equal Opportunities Commission used to be: “Women, Men, Different, Equal”. It is a shame that it is not still widely used because this idea that if something is gender neutral it is good, is not actually true in equalities work.

To even up power imbalance you have to make something gender aware not gender neutral because of the way that gender neutral is enacted in a gender biased world …so take the case of toys for example…a gender neutral toy will be likely to be turned into a gendered toy by the girl or boy playing with it. Girls will turn a block of wood into a doll and nurse it and boys will turn it into a gun or some other attacking implement and use it that way.

Messing with a child’s gender identity is cruel 

 

That is because we are not born the same, we are born with different biological drivers and if we nurture those different drivers in children, the argument goes that we shut down their other capabilities, so, although they would turn a block of wood into gendered toys left to themselves, if you want to drive gender neutrality in children what you do is gender proof the toys and ensure that they cannot be identified or used to further gendered expectations.

You would give a girl a science based toy and suround her with messages that this is her identify and a boy a doll and a pram and surround him with messages that this is his identity, that way you counter the nature based stuff. Now when this is put like this most people recoil because they don’t really want children to be socially engineered like this and personally, I thnk those people who interfere with children’s inherent gender identity are clueless and quite cruel.

I was one of those for the first three years of my daughter’s life (how embarrasing to think of it now) in that she was not allowed to have anything pink or anything girly. Then I saw her playing with her friends in nursery and realised that what I was doing was imposing MY beliefs on her instead of allowing her to grow and helping to gently shape that.

Men and women are not the same 

 

Now that she has a boy who is all things that boys can be – sticks, mini cars in his pockets, scuffed knees, grubby face, jumps rolls and generally spends his life upside down if he can – I understand at a very immediate level that if you let difference come through it does.

However, in terms of equalities work there is a long way to go because men and women are not the same and they are not the same within the spectrum of their own gender either. Gender identity is different too, you have very girly girls for example and less girly girls, you have very masculine boys and less masculine boys and allowing that difference within gender identity by promoting and supporting fluidity in the way we express our femine and masculine selves is really important in promoting equality.

Ultimately it is about difference and having the choice to express that difference. We are not all neutral and we are not all the same and when we understand how to cope with our differences then we are into a place called equality.

—Photo Credit: flickr/Ano Lobb

Tell us what you think? Will boys be boys (and girls be girls) or are the toys we give our children helping to condition them to be masculine or feminine?

If you liked this article and want to read more, follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

ABOUT KAREN WOODALL:

Karen Woodall is a partner at the Family Separation Clinic working with the whole family through difficult times.  Karen is a specialist in working with high conflict separation and parental alienation.  Her book Understanding Parental Alienation; learning to cope, helping to heal is in press. Working with families from a non feminist perspective, Karen is co-developing support services which are based upon understanding of family violence and dysfunction as a generational problem and is working alongside Erin Pizzey to build these into a therapeutic model which can be widely used.  

You can follow Karen’s writings at her outspoken and often controversial blog: Karen Woodall.

Also on insideMAN:

Should you buy your kids gender neutral Christmas presents?

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The Equalities Minister, Jo Swinson, has said that gender-specific toys marketed at boys and girls are limiting children’s aspirations and will damage the economy in the long term.

With Christmas fast approaching, we’d love hear from dads of all backgrounds about their experience of raising sons and daughters:

  • What toys did your sons and daughters love playing with?
  • Do you encourage your children to play with toys associated with the “other gender”?
  • Do you think you children face pressure to conform to gender stereotypes?
  • Do you think you face pressure as a parent to nurture boys and girls differently?
  • Is your experience that boys are from Mars and girls are from Venus and that this is just natural?

According to an in depth article by Sally Peck, lead writer at The Telegraph’s new digital parenting hub Mother Tongue (note the sexism against fathers in the title?), Jess Day of the campaign group Let Toys Be Toys, believes that:

“The stereotypes we see in toy marketing connect with the inequalities we see in adult life. By late primary age, research by the Welsh organisation Chwarae Teg shows that children already have very clear ideas about the jobs that are suitable for boys and girls – ideas that are very hard to shake later on.”

According to Peck:

“A growing number of parents, educators and governments want to redress this by making the world “gender-neutral”. The idea is to make all things available to all children. Pink isn’t banned. Rather, it’s up for grabs. More subtly, and onerously, it means being careful about language and behaviour so, for example, boys are given the same amount of attention as girls when they are upset, to counteract the assumption that girls are more emotional and boys are naturally braver.”

Peck says that experts claim that such interventions in childhood will enable girls to grow up able to assert an equal role in the workplace, while boys will be less likely to become stoical adults who are three-to-four times more likely to die from suicide.

Not everyone agrees with the drive towards gender neutral parenting. Peck’s article quotes two women with dissenting views. Siobhan Freegard, founder of the parenting website Netmums says:

“Most ordinary mums will say: ‘Yeah, but boys and girls are different. Parents don’t really get what the point is of campaigns like Pink Stinks,” which fights gender stereotypes.

Angela Spencer, who has owned and operated nurseries for the past 21 years, agrees with Freegard saying:

“Boys and girls develop differently, socially and emotionally. The anatomy of boys and girls is different and their subsequent developmental needs are different. In this ‘gender-neutral’ trend, we are running the risk of losing gender identity completely.”

—Photo Credit: flickr/JDHancock

Article by Glen Poole author of the book Equality For Men

Tell us what you think? Will boys be boys (and girls be girls) or are the toys we give our children helping to condition them to be masculine or feminine?

If you liked this article and want to read more, follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

Also on insideMAN:

Love is all you need

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Mums and dads are confronted by a bewildering array of decisions and choices, not to mention endless advice from pundits and experts on what’s ‘best’ for your child. How to navigate all of this? Here Thomas Lynch, co-founder of Scotland’s Dads Rock playgroup network, says that when all is said an done, there’s actually just one answer and it’s really very simple.

— This is article #28 in our #100Voices4Men series

It’s a song, and in my humble opinion an absolute classic.  The simplicity and brilliance of Lennon and McCartney, the two song writers must always be remembered; too often we get caught up in over-analysing and coming up with complex beliefs and theories about the world around us.

There are endless theories about what a boy/man ‘should’ be, how we need to act, react, and what is appropriate and inappropriate.  But to me, love is all you need.

Freedom or boundaries?

My son is six, and together my wife and I are helping him navigate the journey of being a boy.  When you write it down, it seems simple.  All we have to do is keep him on the right path, whatever that may be; we are there to nudge him slightly.  To speak and discuss what he thinks about the world around him.  At times we give him clear lines in the sand, and other times it’s all a bit more mercurial than that.

Sometimes I question my stance, does he need more freedom, and are we too strict?  Or does he need more boundaries?

My sense is that society has shifted and individuals have more personal responsibilities than when I was growing up.  Less reliance on older family members and more reliance on peer groups, and our own beliefs.

Perhaps I feel that way due to my own disconnect with my father.  As my son was finding his personality and gaining his independence, my own father was disappearing.  My father died when my son was four, he had a long illness which took his personality and we lost the ability to really talk and gain those last words of wisdom.

‘The best job in the world’

By the time we all knew he was dying it was too late, my dad was not a man for complex theories on bringing up boys anyway, but it would have been good to be able to try.  In the end, and most importantly we had love, the ability to care for his most basic needs, and hold his hand through his own journey.

I see what my wife and I are doing is holding our son, and at times holding his hand, letting him go a little to feel his way.  Waiting for him to check in with us, as time moves on we will let him go more and I am sure he will come to check in less and less.  At the centre of it all is love, it really is as simple as that.

To me being a parent is the best job in the world, and for fleeting moments I stop and feel overwhelmed by the responsibility.  As they say in Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility.  However reality then kicks in and I remember there is no green goblin or sandman to fight, and that love is all you need.

Thomas Lynch is the co-founder of Dads Rock and Dads Rock Academy, Scotland’s only network of free playgroups for dads and kids, to find out more about their work visit the Dads Rock website here.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not necessarily the views of the insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Are you a masculine or feminine father—and which one is best?

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Here’s an interesting question for fathers to ask themselves — are you a masculine father or a feminine father?

If we asked a typical 1950s dad this question the answer would have be more obvious. In an era when most parents operated on the man-work-women-cook model of family life, mums did feminine mum things and dad did masculine dad things.

In the intervening decades the roles of mums and dads have diversified somewhat and become more blurred — mums can win bread and raise children while dads can share the housework with the paid work.

If you’re a modern dad there’s a good chance that you’ll be doing some combination of what used to be considered men’s work and women’s work. So does that make you masculine dad or feminine dad?

Are you a systemizer or an empathizer?

One to find out is to examine your parenting style. Are you more of a typically male systematic father or a typically female empathetic dad?

The systematic approach is more masculine and at its most positive it is a style of parenting that brings order and structure into a child’s life. The negative side of the masculine approach to fathering is that it can become critical or controlling when order and structure is challenged. Is this tendency to control or criticize your children a trait you recognize in yourself?

The empathetic approach is more feminine and at its best it is nurturing and loving but at its worst it can mean spoiling the child and pandering to its tantrums and bad behaviour. Does this sound a bit like you with your children?

If you’re still not sure if you tend more towards masculine or feminine parenting styles then try observing how your children respond to you. A nurturing, positive feminine parent will tend to have children who are free and spontaneous. By contrast a spoiling feminine parent will have an unruly, immature child.

If you’re a masculine, structuring parent you may find your child is co-operative whereas if you have a masculine approach that tips over into being critical and controlling then you generally find your children respond by being resistant or resentfully compliant.

Are you a bit of both?

As men and women can embody both masculine and feminine qualities, it is possible for a dad to be both structured and nurturing (or critical and spoiling even). In fact, it’s not unusual for modern dads to see themselves in all of these descriptions.

By becoming aware of these masculine qualities, in both their positive and negative manifestations, you can honour the qualities you already have and work on developing the areas where there is room for improvement.

Maybe you bring great systemic thinking and order to your parenting, but struggle to respond to the emotional needs of your children? If so then becoming mindful of developing your empathy and your nurturing side, could be a positive way forward for you.

Maybe your nurturing and empathetic side is already well developed, but you struggle to create order and structure for your children? If so then becoming mindful of developing your masculine, systemic side could help you become an even better dad.

How to be an even better dad

So now you’ve had time to consider your parenting style, would you describe yourself as a masculine dad or a feminine father? Or are you a combination of both?

If you want to develop your masculine side you could try a sport, game or activity with your child that requires you to provide the structure and the rules. If it’s your nurturing, feminine side that needs developing, try a creative activity like role play or crafts where you child can express themselves freely and have periods of leading the activity if they want to.

One simple way to remember the difference between masculine and feminine fathering is to consider the difference between masculine play fighting, where you lay down the rules and make sure they are followed—and feminine play acting where you create the rules together by tuning in and responding to each other’s needs.

Remember, developing a new side of your character can be like exercising a muscle you’ve never used before—it may not be easy at first, it may even hurt a little but the rewards can be magnificent so why not give your children an unexpected treat and let them experience a more masculine or more feminine side of your character today?

—Photo: flickr/the_moment