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Sometimes men want to be rescued too

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The poet Shaky Shergill confronts his vulnerability as he rises to the new challenge of becoming a counsellor.

As a trainee counsellor who will soon be seeing clients I’m always on the lookout for tools or theories which I believe will help me support clients who may feel that they are stuck. After having seen one of my tutors using them I recently bought a set of archetype cards to include in my toolbox. As is my way and I think that a lot of other trainees do the same thing I decided to try them out on myself.

Shuffling the deck of cards I expected to draw one, look at it, read the message on it, have some kind of recognition and move on. So imagine my surprise when the archetype card that I pulled at random from the pack was that of ‘the damsel’. As I saw it and read what it represented, the line that read ‘always beautiful, vulnerable and in need of rescue’ struck a nerve. There was a part of me which felt anger at that line. The rest I could discount as not relevant to me, but the words ‘vulnerable and in need of rescue’ grated against something within me.

Over the years I’ve learned to not turn away from those feelings of discomfort and once again I decided to look at the card and the lesson it had for me. What was it about the card, that particular sentence and what it represented that had raised my ire? It wasn’t the ‘beautiful’ bit as I could accept that there are times when I am beautiful in a variety of ways.

It was the ‘vulnerable and in need of rescue’. The more I thought about it the more I realised that it was true, digging deeper I could see that part of what I felt was the indignation that stemmed from the messages I had about being a man; as a man I didn’t need rescuing, as a man I should be able to look after myself, as a man I shouldn’t need or want to feel vulnerable.

The more I looked at the card the more I realised that in so many ways society had done its job very well. I had bought into the belief system that as a man I should be ‘big and tough’ and not need anyone else. However I also began to realise that alongside that big and tough man there was also a little boy who at times did feel vulnerable and wanted rescuing. Sometimes the world can feel like a scary place regardless of how big or tough you or others think you are.

As I sat with those feelings I became aware of the emotions of sadness and anger for both the little boy and the big man (both equally vulnerable) who had wanted to be rescued and how he had stepped back into the shadows by isolating himself or frozen in place ‘waiting for it to all be over’. I realised how over the years that took me from a boy to a man I had slowly frozen into place the image of a strong and confident man. Someone who always had to be ‘on’ as a protector and guardian. I wondered if one of the people I’d been protecting had been the vulnerable part of my self who I believed wouldn’t be accepted by a world that thinks men should be a certain way.

As a father my thoughts then turned to my son, what would I tell him about this experience, what could I share about how as he grew others would see and judge him on his outer appearance or more specifically his size and gender and have certain beliefs about him. Would those beliefs include that it is OK for him to be vulnerable and if not want rescuing then at the least want to be supported as he walked difficult parts of his path. Also, what is my role in my son learning to express and accept his own and others’ vulnerabilities? Is it enough that I tell him it’s OK to be sad? Is it enough that I can acknowledge the times I’m feeling sad, lonely or vulnerable and if not be able to deal with them then show that I am at least trying to accept those feelings rather than hide or suppress them?

Before beginning this article I discussed the card and what it meant to me with a friend who then thought it might mean something else and perhaps it does, but I think that’s for another article.

—Photo: Flickr/Christopher Crouzet

See other articles from Shaky on insideMAN:

 

 

 

I wanted to be a different father to my dad

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We asked the poet, Shaky Shergill, to think about what he means to him to be a father in the 21st Century. Here he shares his own experiences of the father-son relationship. He explains that didn’t want to be the father that his dad was, but wasn’t sure what the alternatives were.

 

 

Fatherhood, what they don’t tell you….

Perhaps that should be fatherhood, they didn’t tell me anything….

In the 21st Century there are so many ways that I can use to define myself as a man; my age, my race, my career, who I love, where I live, etc. and if I look there will be somewhere I can learn about it and how it relates to me.

For me one of the most significant times in my life was when I added the title of father or dad to the others I have collected. Then and at other times since I’ve felt as if there is a significant shortage of material to teach everything I’ve wanted to learn about being the father of a wonderful boy who is becoming a young man. Ever since he came into my life 12 years ago with a look and grasp of my finger it feels as if he’s taken over completely.

By doing so he’s made me not only question who I am but also my abilities. A part of me believed that I shouldn’t need education to do or be something so natural and fundamental. After all this is something that men have been doing throughout the ages. Looking back at my childhood I realised that there are things that I wish had happened differently.

Being a father has changed 

I’m aware that just as being a child has changed over the years so has being a father. I realised that I didn’t want to be the father that my dad was but wasn’t sure what the alternatives were. Looking back through the generations and back to the land of my birth. I didn’t feel as if I have anything in common with the father who would have taught his son to work the earth and even less so with those who came before him, the father who taught his son to hunt. Nonetheless, I can imagine similarities.

As I watched my son grow (and unknown to myself) grew with him I realised that those similarities are as true as they’ve ever been. In some ways a father wants just what a son wants; someone to love him, someone to listen, someone to laugh with and someone to hold him.

So over the years we’ve laughed, talked, shared and held each other. In some ways he made it so easy. As he grew older he’d walk over and say ‘hug’ be hugged and walked off. Some of the irrational moments were challenging at first and over the years the amount one of us tells the other to calm down is evening out more.

So, fatherhood, what they don’t tell you…

  • They don’t tell you that whatever you do to prepare your child will come with a challenge that is personal to you.
  • They don’t tell you that all of those things that you are lead to believe will make them happier or more content won’t work as well as a hug or an ‘I love you’.
  • They don’t tell you that the love in your child’s eyes can be more enslaving and healing than anything else you’ll ever experience.
  • And they definitely won’t tell you that there will be times when your child will in all seriousness tell you to ‘calm down’ and expect you to do so.

There are a lot of other things they don’t tell you but I haven’t experienced them yet and if I do perhaps I’ll tell you.

—Photo: flickr/Roland

Shaky Shergill’s writings can be found at the his website, The Warrior Poet.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

 

I’d rather be a lover than a warrior

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The poet Shaky Shergill has been thinking about masculine archetypes and has come to the conclusion that he’d like to be a little less warrior, a little more lover. 

—This is article #82 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Recently in a men’s group that I’m part of talk turned to warrior energy and connecting with a man’s inner warrior. Of all the archetypes (forms used to describe parts of the unconscious) prevalent in the masculine psyche one of the most common is that of the warrior.

The warrior archetype represents many things to many men. The most common of these are; loyalty, decisiveness, and discipline. At times it feels as if it’s easiest for many men to access the warrior archetype because that’s the way that society expects and wants them to be. Warriors, those who use their focus and determination to protect themselves and what’s theirs.

As much as I admire these traits and the men who can access them readily I can’t help feeling a longing for the masculine archetype that I relate to most closely being seen and recognised. This is the archetype of the lover; where the warrior is about doing, the lover is about being and connecting, where the warrior is decisive and disciplined the lover is boundless and organic.

Connecting to the love archetype 

For me the lover archetype is all about connection. This connection can be with myself or the rest of creation. The lover’s longing is manifested in the need to accept and bond with everyone and everything. The lover can be like Rumi or Hafez longing for blissful union with the beloved or seeing everything as the beloved.

This union can be with something; natural, manmade or ephemeral. I believe some of the most inspirational and beautiful love poetry has been as a result of this longing for union.

It feels as if what is important for the lover is the desire to connect even if that connection is only felt through a longing for what is desired, the beloved. The lover works very much in the realm of the sense. S/he; feels, sees, caresses whereas the warrior considers, assesses and touches.

Men want to save the world 

In some ways the lover has an energy that may seem foreign to many men. The warrior’s decisiveness and discipline speaks to us as men who want to act and do. We want to change the world, save the beauty and generally be an all-round hero.

However the passivity of the lover and his desire to do nothing but wait, long for and yearn can feel unusual. Perhaps it’s because in most cases as boys were not taught to sit and wait, even in childhood our games involve running, jumping and chasing with those coming last deemed to be less worthy.

I wonder if those men who connect more strongly with the lover archetype do so because of those childhood experiences or have those experiences in childhood because they connect with the lover archetype. Either way a man is born who longs to connect, to share and be.

At times this longing doesn’t feel welcome in the modern world. A world where we are taught to see divisions and differences rather than similarities.In a world where wants and desires can be fulfilled almost instantaneously the lover’s longing seems to be both alien and self-indulgent.

However I believe that we are as much a part of this world as anyone else because we love it and want to be loved by it in all its forms.

—Picture credit: The Pug Father 

Shaky Shergill’s writings can be found at the his website, The Warrior Poet.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com.