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Are shaming men for weakness, suicide and resistance to International Men’s Day connected?

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The increasing problem of male suicide has been in the news a lot in recent weeks.  Across all the articles that have been written on the subject, one word keeps re-appearing: “shame”.

For example, we hear that men feel ashamed of expressing their emotions and we are reassured that there should be no shame in experiencing depression.  Shame is mentioned often but rarely is it properly examined.  Shame, by its very nature, is something that we do not want to discuss.  As a man who is recovering from mental health problems and who has struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past, I have had to face up to shame and discuss it in detail.  It has been a painful and at time’s frightening process but one that has been key to my recovery.

I think that we, as a society, need to start having a discussion about shame and the dark places that it can lead to when people’s feelings of shame get out of control.  When we look at the problem of male suicide and men’s mental health in general, we need to look at how our society sets up young men to experience potentially unmanageable levels of shame and we need to work together to build a society where this is no longer the case.

Profoundly frightening

Shame is an incredibly complicated emotion and I’m not a psychologist so my input here will be very limited.  My aim is only to share my own experience of shame, my reflections on it and how I am reducing its negative influence on my life in the hope that my story will help others and will do something to bring the problem of male shame to the forefront of the discussion.

When shame really takes hold of you it’s a profoundly frightening and painful experience.  It’s the sense that you are deeply flawed.  It’s a nagging voice that tells you that you are not clever enough, not strong enough, not attractive enough, not charismatic enough, not capable enough.  It’s the feeling that makes you sink into despair or lash out when something reminds you of how flawed you feel.  It’s the sense that you are bad, worthless and unlovable and there’s nothing that you can do about it. Your basic human need to be loved and accepted feels like a sick joke.

You don’t talk about how you are feeling not because you find it embarrassing or uncomfortable or don’t want to make a fuss, but because you feel that your entire sense of self will disintegrate if you fully acknowledge how you feel about yourself.  You can’t grow or develop yourself because it’s too painful to acknowledge even your slightest imperfection.  To fail at something is so painful that you can’t learn from your mistakes.

You certainly can’t ask for help.  If anyone notices you are struggling and offers help then they have effectively pointed out your imperfections and so you will push them away.  You spend long, exhausting hours chasing your thoughts in circles trying to build some sense of self-worth.   If you made a mistake you can’t let it go so you try to convince yourself that it was because you were distracted or weren’t really interested in what you were doing anyway since you had more important things to do.  If someone didn’t like you then you try to convince yourself that they’re an [insert expletive here] anyway.

‘Society sets boys and men up to feel shame in a particularly destructive way’

You might look for shortcuts to achieve something that would prove to yourself that you are wonderful really but each shortcut leads nowhere – it’s another failure that fuels that nagging voice telling you that you really are hopelessly flawed after all.   A life lived like that is incredibly painful so you start to look for escape.  Escape can take the form of fantasy, perhaps of being the unflawed person that you think you must be or the fantasy of being loved in a way that would make the pain of being you go away.  Escape can take the form of zoning out in front of the TV, drinking until you aren’t aware of your feelings anymore or any number of ultimately unhealthy activities.  In extreme cases, escape can take the form of suicide.

Of course, women as well as men can feel like that so why do I say that shame is a particularly important topic when we’re look at men’s mental health?  It’s because society sets boys and men up to feel shame in a particularly destructive way.  Our society has, quite rightly, spent much time and effort sending girls and women the message that they can be strong, capable and successful.  We have, however missed the fact that we have kept on sending boys and men the messages that they must always be strong, capable and successful.

The first of these messages is helpful and empowering, the second is potentially disastrous since it sets boys up from a very young age to have unrealistic expectations of themselves which can lead them to feel unhealthy levels of shame when they are unable to live up to those expectations.  And this shame will be reinforced by those around them.  Boys will be bullied if they are not always strong, men will be dismissed as “losers” if they are not always capable and successful.

‘We need to foster empathy for men’

Even in the way that society seems to value boys, it doesn’t get it right.  Boys are too often seen as little potential doctors, lawyers, businessmen or sports stars to be.  This may look like encouragement and support but when it gets in the way of seeing boys as children, it can become positively harmful and stops them from growing and learning.  A father’s shame of failing to live up to the unrealistic expectations placed on him can be passed on in the form of unrealistic hopes and dreams for his son – shame masquerading as nurturing.

We miss all of this because we have assumed that because the messages that girls received from society for so many generations were disempowering, then all of the messages that boys received from society must have been empowering.  It is because people cannot see past this assumption that they react with confusion, silence or mockery when boys start to fail at school and men’s mental health suffers.

When people talk about the “fragile male ego” they usually don’t realise that they are actually talking about the consequences that men suffer from having grown up in a world that feels almost designed to induce shame in them.

Psychologists will tell you that a key tool in combatting unhealthy shame is empathy.  Empathy is when people understand your pain, accept you as you are and help to create an environment in which you can learn to accept yourself and realise that you are ok despite your imperfections.

Phrases like “fragile male ego” and comments like “we don’t need an international men’s day because every day seems like one” are unhelpful precisely because they contribute to a culture where there is little empathy for men.  It’s my hope that we can use International Men’s Day 2015 as an opportunity to rebuild some of that empathy for men and start to heal the epidemic of male shame.

Dealing with my unhealthy levels of shame has changed my life.  Not all of my problems have gone away but without the influence of shame, I can now identify those problems and work on them, try things and fail, learn from my mistakes and grow, relax and enjoy life and connect with others in a way that I was never able to before.

The author is an aspiring blogger with a particular interest in mental health, culture and how the two interact.  He was inspired to take the leap and start putting his thoughts out there by the recent discussions about International Men’s Day. As a man who is recovering from mental health issues himself, he is especially interested in how culture interacts with mental health for men in modern day western society. He hopes that by sharing his personal experience and reflections he will be able to contribute to the discussion and encourage others in their journey towards recovery.  He also enjoys film, music, socialising, hiking and he has recently learned to enjoy the gym and keeping fit. He also loves dogs.

Do you want to make preventing male suicide a national health priority? To help raise awareness about this emergency join the International Men’s Day social media shout out by clicking here

What does Ralf Little’s tweet to Clarke Carlisle tell us about attitudes to male suicide?

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On Wednesday night, having seen the front page of a red top famed for salacious gossip and outright lies, the actor Ralf Little took to Twitter and stuck his hand in a metaphorical hornets’ nest, concerning the news that his former friend and ex-footballer, Clarke Carlisle, had tried to commit suicide.

‘Oh dear. Looks like Clarke Carlisle’s going to get away with it – AGAIN. #Teflon #nonstick’

Little received reams of abuse for failing to understand the circumstance that led a grown man step into the path of an oncoming lorry. Carlisle told the paper

‘I had to die,’ he said. ‘This wasn’t escaping or running away. This was the perfect answer. It made everyone happy and it ticked every box.’

Little, realising that he had gone public without providing a background, said that he would clarify these comments later and did so -cranking up the drama a notch while the world waited. And waited. And waited. Some wags speculated that he’d employed Harper Lee to write his next tweet.

Little spoke eloquently about his history with Carlisle and of their falling out although he had no wish to go into detail and ‘do some tabloid’s job for them.’ Suffice to say there was some fruity talk of money and the police and it was made clear that both men had given up on each other years ago.

‘Pray depression never bites’

Carlisle replied through his wife’s account, stating that they had seen each other once in ten years and that was for him (Carlisle) to apologise for his ‘repulsive behaviour as a young man.’ Furthermore, he hoped that Little wasn’t the man he was back in the day and that he would ‘pray depression never bites.’

We can only read between the lines but it seems that they were once bosom buddies and ‘high excitable young gentlemen’ as Jeeves would have it, but something came along to drive them apart. Little seems to have held his grudge for much longer than his old mate and had either reached a point where he could hold his silence no more, or was just being a bit stupid.

I’m in two minds about this, mostly because I’m neither party to their friendship nor to the demise of it, but there’s a nagging feeling that somehow, somewhere Little has a point given the others who were nearly injured that day.

Guilty?

I doubt very much if the poor lorry driver could cheerily tell all of his brush with near death. You often hear of Tube drivers who suffer terribly when they’ve inadvertently aided a suicide and that it’s the sound of the body on steel that keeps them awake at night. Then there are the motorists who swerved the collision to avoid a pile-up. What did they do to deserve sleepless nights at thoughts of their own mortality? Ralf Little is right in this case. Clarke Carlisle is guilty of gathering others into his pain.

Hmm. That word –‘guilty’. ‘Guilt’.

The actor seems to be claiming that Carlisle is gleefully crossing the fingers of one hand while pointing at his diagnosis with the other and thereby using it as a casual explanation for his behaviour. After all, depressives rarely suffer alone, much as they would like to. Loved ones want to help but can’t, or at least not always. Soothing words can help but they can’t alter a chemical balance in the brain, but that does not help the unhappiness of people who can’t bear to see their most cherished suffer.

The contention is that Carlisle got away with it and will continue to with impunity. This is wrong on many counts. Of course, there are other people to consider — no one is suggesting otherwise — but if Carlisle’s depression is of the same strain as mine it will feature an overpowering sense of, that word, guilt.

‘He has to face the people he’s harmed’

This is suggested by his claim that he ‘had to die.’ Had to.  That shouts of guilt before the incident took place and if he was in that frame of mind beforehand, he will be feeling it tenfold now. I can’t imagine that he left hospital and raised a rueful grin to his wife and three children and proclaimed ‘Phew, that was close! Got away with it.’ Now he has to consider the people he was close to taking with him. He has to face the people he’s harmed. He has to face the public, not all of whom are sympathetic. That doesn’t just enhance a sense of worthlessness, it justifies it. Another layer of thick, headache inducing gloom deposits itself onto the stratum. The mood deepens further.

Ralf Little points out that he knows people who struggle with mental health issues, and is unfortunate enough to know those who have lost friends and family members at the hand of drunk drivers, so maybe it’s this that caused him to tweet. There are certainly sympathies there. Is he suggesting that the suicide attempt is an excuse to mask yet another drink-driving offence? He is certainly keen to point out the numerous convictions but, that would be a hell of a price to pay to prove a point. If Carlisle really is made of Teflon he could hardly celebrate ‘getting away with it’ while he’s being scraped of a road.

The most significant paragraph in Little’s article is this:

‘Am I really that out of order for suggesting that’s not on? Do we repeatedly overlook reckless destruction of other lives because someone apologises, again and again, and says it’s an illness? Isn’t there a point where we can go, “enough is enough”?’

Okay, he’s framed it in fairly crass terms (‘says it’s an illness’) but there is a point when continual destructive behaviour erodes the wall of basic humanity and you feel like turning away from that person. That’s a perfectly understandable position and one I’ve been in myself but surely there’s a place for seeing both sides rather than an all-out accusation.

Depression is seen by some as an excuse, a convenience, a ‘you can’t say anything because…’ sense of angry hopelessness. Well, you can say something. The crime of stupidity isn’t confined to one state of mental health. Clarke Carlisle has done some stupid things. So has Ralf Little. So have I and so have you. One of the reasons why Ralf’s statement was delayed was that he had no time to write as he was tweeting while driving and couldn’t set it down just then.

Quite.

It’s doesn’t logically follow that ridiculous behaviour points to depression or any other ailment. If Ralf has wiped his hands with Clarke then fine. Exasperation comes to all at some point and no one is blaming Ralf Little for reaching that point with someone whom he feels has let him down once too often. It is wrong, however, to accuse him of getting away with it. Clarke Carlisle got away with one thing only– his life, and though there were other people involved that day, it’s important to  remember that he was in a position where he was prepared to  die brutally  rather than live. Of course it was a selfish act but who the hell thinks rationally when you ‘have to die.’ Who cares what the public thinks at that point? All suicides are selfish to a degree because you’re relieving a pain you can no longer fight. Is anyone seriously arguing that Clarke Carlisle was somehow faking it?

I hope Carlisle makes amends to those he has wronged and I suspect he will once he is either medicated or counselled or both. Equally, I hope Ralf Little can bring himself to forgive at least some of the past misdemeanours for his own sake at least. No one wins in this situation and we can only hope that the outcome of this spat can be one of a mutual understanding.

Karl writes for The Anfield Wrap. He is troubled with the modern world, grimaces at ball playing centre halves and frowns at fancy-dan back heels. Apt to talk about the magnificence of Ray Kennedy wherever possible.

Karl’s debut novel, And What Do You Do? is available on Kindle download (not about footy). To check out more of his writing visit The Anfield Wrap and follow him on Twitter @thecenci

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Rapper Professor Green tells the BBC about his father’s suicide

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Rapper Professor Green has made a BBC film about his fathers’ suicide to increase awareness of suicide as the biggest killer of men aged 20-45 and raise funds for male suicide prevention charity, the Campaign Against Living Miserably.

He told the BBC: “Despair. It’s a powerful feeling, when your heads in a state it’s easy to feel like you are the only one in the world who’s suffering.”

Green talks about the difficult relationship he had with his dad, how at 18 they stopped talking, but then five years later he tried to arrange a meeting, but they ended up arguing and the last words he said to his dad were “I hate you”.

‘Suicide consumes everyone around that person’

He says: “The terrible thing is, I never got to see him, because a few months later he killed himself. The moment I found out my dada had taken his own life is still as clear today as it was the moment it happened.

“I kept wondering why no-one had seen it coming, I still find it quite hard to articulate how I felt. It’s been six years since it happened and weird thing about grieving is that it never stops.

“Suicide is now the biggest killer of men aged between 20 and 45 in the UK. Bigger than heart disease, bigger than road accidents and bigger than murder.

“The pain of a suicide ripples out to consume everyone around that person.

‘I still don’t know what was going through dad’s head’

“Communication can be a big problem between men. We don’t like to talk about our issues, we think it makes us look weak, or we think we can sort it all out ourselves.

“I still don’t know what was going through my dad’s head when he killed himself and I never got a chance to say a proper goodbye or tell him that I loved him.

“I wish there had been someone he felt he could have confided in or reached out to. That’s why I’m part of a campaign called CALM – the Campaign Against Living Miserably – an important charity that works hard to help prevent male suicide.”

The film also features comedian Jake Mills, who tells the story of his own attempted suicide and the story of the Stringer family who lost their musician son Hector when he was only 18 years old.

In 2013 6,233 people took their own lives in the UK, 4,858 of these were men. The film is available on BBC iplayer here.

Photo courtesy: Cristian Stefanescu

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Time to act on men’s mental health

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Dr Luke Sullivan  is a chartered clinical psychologist and the creator of Men’s Minds Matter. He began to specialise in men’s mental health ten years ago, after he worked as a researcher in the London borough of Southwark and found that apart from punitive services for men, there was a complete absence of gender-sensitive information and research on men and boys.

— This is article #46 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys

I have been interested in the mental health and psychological wellbeing of men and boys for over a decade. It’s something I’m passionate about and it has led me to question and challenge assumptions and prejudice that exists towards men. I wanted to share some of my experiences of working with men and boys and where I see opportunities to help.

My work in the NHS is within acute care services. We know men are more likely to take their own lives than women so it’s a place where many men eventually turn up for help, willingly or not. In my experience in crisis services and from my work in men’s mental health there seems to be some common experiences shared by men. These can help in some way to account for the high rate of male suicide.

One of the most consistent findings is that men seek help less than women. This is not just help-seeking from professionals but also help-seeking from friends, families and communities. Crisis services are the last point of call for people experiencing psychological difficulties. Not seeking timely help increases the likelihood that mental health crises occur which is when many suicides happen.

Self medication and risk taking

A further problem is that men have significantly fewer support networks. They often have fewer close friends to turn to when they are struggling and they’re less likely to turn to families or communities for support. We know that after the age of 30 men’s social networks begin to shrink and in later life isolation becomes particularly problematic for men. If men fail to nurture and maintain relationships outside of work and the family they reduce the range support we can draw on when life becomes tough.

Popular culture would have us believe that on average men are less emotionally accessible and able than women. If true this may also have implications for men when they do turn to their friends or professionals for support. For example, many men may not feel equipped to help their male friends with emotional problems or they may not consider it appropriate for their male friends to disclose emotional difficulties. The exact nature of the difference between the emotional experiences of men and women is not really known. What we do know, however, is that men do have emotional needs.

When men present to services they sometimes do no quite fit the criteria for a mental illness. For these men they are less likely to receive diagnoses for common mental health problems such as and anxiety and depression. Men may also identify less with these terms and are therefore less likely to receive statutory services which could be of help.

Men also have a tendency to express their emotional distress externally through problematic behaviour that can affect both them and others. Men use drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism more so than women, they are more likely to gamble and take risks, and men are more likely come into contact with the criminal justice system due to their behaviour. Such behaviours receive a more punitive response which often lacks compassion for the underlying causes.

Growing momentum

I see many of these observations as potential problems for myself and for the other men in my life. Anyone can be struck by a mental health problem given the right conditions. In such circumstances we would all need some form of compassion, help and support. Without it crises inevitably occur as problems worsen. It’s at these times that people are more likely to take their own lives.

The absence of any thinking, action or interventions for men and boys stimulated me to create Men’s Minds Matter as an online resource providing information on their mental health and wellbeing. We wanted to build on conversations that address the high rates of suicide and challenge the stigma attached to mental health specifically from a male perspective. We also wanted find a ways to intervene to help address some of the issues described above.

One of our proposals is for the creation of a national federation of men’s institutes. We have developed some guiding principles for an MI based on helping men to become more connected with each other and their communities. This would help to reduce isolation and increase social support for people to fall back if and when needed. It would harness men’s collective strengths and use these creatively for the benefit of their communities. Most of all it would be a space thoughtfully created specifically for men.

There is growing momentum in the field on men’s mental health but there’s a long way to go before we fully address the psychological challenges faced by men and boys in the UK. Nevertheless the conversations have well and truly started. The face of maleness will be changing as we reclaim and redefine what it means to be men. It has to, too many men are dying.

—Picture: Flickr/mic445

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not necessarily the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Robin Williams’ tragic suicide aged 63 highlighted middle-aged men’s rising suicide rates. How does depression hit older men?

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Robin Williams was 63-years-old when he killed himself — at an age you might have thought he would have left behind the most tormented years of his life. But both depression and suicide are rising among middle-aged men. Here Roger Jones of the Older Men’s Network explains the some of the issues that impact on older men’s mental health.

It is very easy to assume that when we talk about mental health and older people we are talking about Dementia. But 1 in 4 older people will experience a mental well being issue this year.

More women are diagnosed with depression than men, however it is acknowledged that this is because men are less likely to seek help, which leads to a greater threat of the depression getting a more severe hold and in some cases leading to suicide.

Statistics from The Mental Health Foundation tell us that the number of middle aged men and older men taking their own lives has risen over the last few years, with over 1,000 men aged 50+ killing themselves every year in England and Wales.

500,000 older UK men live alone

What is more, most older people with depression are never diagnosed and do not receive any treatment for their depression, even if they have seen their GP.

Sometimes this is because they may present to GPs with a physical problem but the underlying issue is a mental health difficulty such as depression. Instead, if they get help, they rely on informal support such as family, friends and community groups.

Social isolation reduces the amount of informal support available, increases the risk of developing depression, and reduces the quality of life for older men — and around 500,000 older men live on their own in the UK.

The most isolated older men are those aged over 75 and those who are living alone — this is particularly the case if they are widowed or divorced. Bereavement or loss — which might include loss of income, role and status associated with retirement — leaves older men particularly vulnerable to mental ill health. Some widowers find that without their wife or partner who may have acted as their “social secretary” it can be hard to maintain friendships. Older men with families and children are also less likely to be in touch with them than older women.

‘It can be difficult for them to accept help’

Deterioration in physical health and mobility associated with growing older also makes people vulnerable to mental health problems. Even for people in long term relationships, there may be risks to their mental health if they are involved in increasing caring responsibilities, particularly if they are caring for a partner with dementia or other chronic conditions.

Whilst there are many good community-based services for older people, older men are less likely to use them than women, particularly if they are isolated and living alone.

Many older men are reluctant to take part in groups or services like day centres, seeing them as being for women or the very old and dependent. When men have spent their lives independently or have seen themselves in the role of the family provider, it can be difficult for them to accept help.

The groups and activities that the Older Men’s Network facilitate always aim to support Older Men to have fun, make friends and give them something to look forward to.

‘Men find a common bond’

We always try to train some of the men in the groups as Older Men’s Champions who are more aware of the problems an older man will face and they can then support them or signpost them as needed.

Although we are aiming to get older men more active so they can live a healthier and more fulfilled later life, we always need to be aware that men also need support around their mental health.

We all have a physical health and we all have a mental health – sometimes they are in good condition sometimes they are not. We need to be aware that when our mental health is not so good we need to talk to someone about it.

Talking and sharing problems is one of the best ways to address this and a big part of the Champions training is about encouraging the guys in the groups to feel it’s OK to share their thoughts and feelings. This doesn’t happen on day one of course, but as the men bond and friendships develop and the men find a common bond the opportunities to off load are there.

We will never be able to deal with all cases of depression in men but if we can build opportunities and avenues for men to share their feelings, and raise awareness in campaigns which men can relate to without stigma then maybe we can start to save more lives.

By Roger Jones, National Manager, National Older Men’s Network

Photo courtesy: Cristian Stefanescu

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