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Great infographic: 23 things for a dad to teach his son

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Al Ferguson from The Dad Network UK has come up with his all time list of 23 things he wants to teach his son.

I might not know everything there is to know and the boy might not fully understand why he is learning what I decide to teach him… But I’m sure he’ll thank me at some point in his life.

There’s something special about dads teaching their sons invaluable skills for getting through life. When I found out I was having a son, all the wonderful, both practical & emotional, essential life skills that I will need to teach him flashed before my eyes. Amongst other things, I could see the two of us calmly sitting on a log, pen knives in hand and me teaching him to always cut away from your body and to keep your fingers out the way.

There are so many things that I simply can’t wait to teach my son and so I’ve compiled them into a list of 23 things:

23 valuable things I think you’ll agree! He won’t get far through life without these essential things which is why it’s important for me to teach my son them! He’ll be fine now if he has to use reef knot to repair his bike so he can cycle to collect his car to drive to his girlfriends in a blue shirt without headphones in and gets caught in the wilderness having to hunt for his own food. Absolutely fine… And he’ll be polite to any bears that try to attack him too!

—Photo: Flickr/Poppofatticus 

You can follow Al’s fatherhood adventures at www.thedadnetwork.co.uk of follow him on twitter @thedadnetworkuk.

To mark the launch of the film Down Dog, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood throughout February and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

 

What’s it like for dads who experience the loss of a child through miscarriage?

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Miscarriage is a mysterious and devastating thing. I don’t think dads talk about their experience of miscarriage enough, and they should. They should because it’s real, it’s very common and it helps to talk about it. Here is the story of this Dad’s miscarriage.

— This is article #62 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

My wife and I had planned to get pregnant and could not have been happier when we saw the two blue lines. But during week six the storm began when my wife found a small amount of blood. We quickly Googled and found out about spotting common, perfectly-normal bleeding during early pregnancy. We put it down to this, but the doctor still booked an appointment at the emergency scan department of the hospital.

 

This was a weird place! We were sitting in a corridor, opposite the sonographer’s room. Women and couples go into the room with an anxious look on their face and come out either crying or gleefully holding a baby scan picture. We sat there and wondered our fate.

Purgatory

Overjoyed or distraught? We ended up feeling neither… The sonographer examined, and came to the conclusion that it was too early to tell, booking us in for another emergency scan in two weeks’ time. That way the heartbeat would definitely be seen. (Or not).

 

This time the foetus had grown but there was still no visible heartbeat. No-one could explain it and no-one could confirm viability either way. We epitomised the saying, “left hanging.” We lived the following weeks on edge, anxious, worried and pensive. All the while this was happening we were planning our wedding for the end of the summer.

 

What should have been an exciting time of preparations was overcast by a huge cloud of uncertainty and potential devastation. Just before our pre-wedding honeymoon was our third scan… Still no heartbeat but more growth! The doctor said, because of the growth, she couldn’t definitively say to us that we would lose the baby. Instead she gave a 95% chance of miscarriage at any point. So what should we do? Miss our holiday and loose the money, or go and risk it? We decided to go, but all the while our thoughts were else where.

Impossible decision

On our return, general wedding stress levels were non-existent. The Tuesday before the wedding saw us, yet again, in the emergency scan waiting room for a fourth scan. We hid ourselves from the others, knowing that it would more than likely be bad news. This time, there was still no heartbeat but also no growth. We were told it was just a matter of time before the body rejected the unviable foetus and the miscarriage began. We had two options:

 

1) Let the miscarriage happen naturally over the wedding

 

Or:

 

2) Opt for the SMM (Surgical Management of Miscarriage) and cancel the wedding?

 

Ever been between a rock and a hard place? We decided to crack on with the wedding and if the miscarriage started, we’d cross that bridge as and when. It put everything into perspective. It helped us focus on us, and ironically, in amongst the sadness, we had never been so close. We got married with such an intimacy between us.

 

Three days after the wedding the miscarriage started. It began as a pain in the stomach. She knew it was happening, so we called for our fifth emergency appointment. The bleeding was constant and she had continuous pain. What could I do to make it better? The helpless feeling of inadequacy was fraught and very real.

‘We felt the pain together’

Seven weeks of uncertainty, hope and despair had come to an end. We booked in for an emergency SMM. We arrived at the hospital and got prepped for the procedure. It was gut-wrenching and as they wheeled my wife out the room I felt like my heart was being pulled out on a trolley too. I couldn’t be with her when she was terrified, I wanted to comfort her, hold her hand and be there for her. Instead, I was in a cold room with just my thoughts as company.

 

Following the procedure it was so hard to know how to be. I was devastated, but held it in. I wanted to be strong and look after my wife as I knew that she was already heart broken. Me crying would just add to that pain for her.

 

This was a mistake. The moment I let my guard down and really showed how I was feeling through being honest, led to one of the best moments of our relationship. We both held each other and felt the pain together. I think it was that moment that a new, unspoken connection and bond between us grew. It is in these difficult, overcast situations that relationships can really develop. For that I am thankful.

 

My hope is that through reading about my experience it opens the door for other Dads to talk openly. Please share your experiences with me by leaving a comment below. Thanks, Al.

This article is by Al Ferguson and was originally posted on The Dad Network, which Al founded with his wife Jen. To see more great blogs about all things dad, visit them here

— Picture credit: Erik Soderstrom

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

 

The top-11 fears of a becoming a new dad

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I wrote this post before the arrival of our little bundle of joy! Therefore, I thought than rather toss it to the side of the road, I’d use as much of it as it might be relevant to some of you. I have however added an extra sentence under each ‘fear’ talking about whether or not there was a need to be fearful… Make sense? Good!

Here we go:

I think it’s common for new dads to have all kinds of genuine fears about being a new dad. Well, I hope they do, because I am positively crapping it! It would probably be fair to say that beneath my manly, calm and collective exterior is a quivering wreck of a man. (Is it OK that I referred to myself as ‘manly?’ I like to think I am…or at least look it!)

Assuming that this is common among dads to be, I thought I would write a post about what those fears might be. Be aware, these are my fears and I’m bearing my soul here. Don’t laugh at me…

#1 Will I cope with the labour? 

I know what you’re thinking, will I cope with the labour? What about the wife! But, what I mean is whether I’ll be able to do the right things at the right time and say the right words. Will I make it worse for her? Will I faint at the sight of a crowning baby head or any number of bodily excretions seeping out from an orifice? Will I be able to encourage her well or not? The labour is a genuine fear!

– Definitely worth fearing! But, I did cope, just. Seeing the person you love in that much pain is awful. There are no words to prepare you for it. Read this for more perspective!

#2 Will I be able to be man warrior, hunter gatherer and powerful protector? (they’d be great names if I were a boxer…”welcome to the ring the man warrior, powerful…you get the jist) 

Money does come into this; obviously having a baby does increase the outgoings and decreases the income (stupid unpaid paternity leave and ever decreasing maternity leave income)… And it is scary to think whether we’ll have enough money to have a good lifestyle and enjoy life etc etc I’ll have to start reading The Skint Dad Blog in more depth I reckon! I also want to protect my family and stand up for them. Will this come naturally? I suppose it does for the wife, so why wouldn’t it for the children? I want my family to be as secure as Fort Knox (and not the Fort Knox from Die Hard 3…) Financially and safely! Impenetrable and all that.

– Not worth fearing: this will just happen naturally. The financial thing will just go on throughout your life… But it is for certain that my protective nature has gone through the roof.

#3 Dying

A friend recently said to me, so this technically isn’t my fear, that since having a baby he has suddenly developed a great fear of dying! That in turn has now made me fearful of being fearful of dying as a result of having a baby! Work that one out!

– I’m now terrified of dying… what will happen to the boy if I do? Ahhhh!

#4 Will having a baby affect my relationship with the wife? 

This is true. The wife and I are inseparable. If I could I would actually live in her pocket and if I could choose it would either be her ‘back’ pocket or ‘chest’ pocket…catching my drift? But seriously, having a baby is going to eat into our time together something drastic and that time is so precious to me. What if I loose that time and it starts damaging our relationship? I have taken steps towards dealing with this: we’ve booked in the grandparents every Wednesday evening from birth, so we can have a date night. Up here for thinking, down there for dancing!

– This fear is in your own hands. The fear has certainly made me pro-active though and I’ve already made plans for our first date night / date 2 hours.

#5 Will I get shunned to one side because it’s physically impossible to dispense milk from my breasts…despite them becoming more moob-like by the day! 

I want to be involved as much as possible, but there are times when I just won’t be. Not necessarily breast feeding, I can still sit with them both and bond etc but it is a fear that I’ll be at work all day and miss out on things and therefore learn things slower…which brings me on to my next fear nicely.

– Not worth me fearing, but that’s because my wife is amazing and included me every step of the way. She’s even been so kind as to wake me to ‘watch’ the 2am feed!

#6 I have no idea what the hell I’m doing! 

I know there isn’t a manual and I’m sure that mums fear this as well. But how do you pick up a baby? How do you bath a baby? How do you clothe a baby? How do you feed a baby? How do you talk to a baby? How durable is a baby? When should they sleep? When should they wake? What if they cry? Nappies? Will I be able to stop them crying?

How do you learn all this stuff? I can see myself now asking my wife everything. Is it OK to pick him up darling? I know I shouldn’t, and I hope I don’t but it is a fear. I guess my best thought is that couples should approach it together and learn together, allowing each other to try things and get things wrong.

– Definitely worth fearing. I still have no idea what I’m doing and learning in the deep end. The good thing, the baby hasn’t read the manual, and so does’t know which way round the nappy goes either.

#7 Will I be a good dad? 

A big fear, probably of all dads to ever grace the planet with their presence…but really a daft one. What is a good dad? A question that has many different answers. Will I be a good dad, all I know is that I will do my best and when I balls up, I’ll try again. I think that is what makes a good dad, so maybe this isn’t a fear after all.

– I’m fairly confident that this will remain a fear my whole life.

#8 Will I ever see the inside of a pub again? 

I hope so and I think so but I guess less so… I learnt the other day though, that the local curry house now delivers beer with a curry so really, I don’t have much need to a pub anyway.

– Your destiny is in your own hands. Do you dare raise the subject of your baby’s head and wetting stuff?

#9 Will I get my wifes attention? 

I have to admit that there are times when I want my wifes attention, but not getting it, I’ll do something naughty… streak or break something or wind her up by poking her. Now, I’m going to have to contend with a gorgeous, cute, sweet ball of baby. Will I ever get her attention again? Maybe I need to get down the gym to turn the 1 pack into 6 and the moobs into pecks! That’ll grab her attention.

– Amazing wife: I must be doing something right, because I still get lots of attention. Worth fearing though – it will heighten your desire to make sure your fears don’t happen.

#10 Lack of sleep makes my wife cranky and I can’t cope when she’s cranky!

Not the most diplomatic way of putting it, but I guess sleep deprivation for everyone concerned is a fear.

– Fear it & deal with it!

#11 I might have to do some housework!

Jokes…I do lot’s as it is… *ahem*

So there you go… some real fears from a real new dad to be. Resonating with anyone?

*Just to add, the fears don’t outweigh the excitement…I think

This article was originally posted on The Dad Network, to see more great blogs about all things dad, visit them here

 

 

Early Learning Centre apologises for sexist tweet ridiculing dads

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The Early Learning Centre (ELC), a UK-based chain of toyshops, courted controversy yesterday by choosing to insult one of its main groups of customers—Dads!

In a poorly considered attempt at corporate humour, the retailer, which operates around 300 stores in 20 countries, shared a branded meme on Twitter and Facebook suggesting that the only role that dads play in childcare is telling their kids where mum is.

Fathers across the UK reacted angrily to the suggestion that mums face a long list of demands from their kids (eg “I’m hungry, “I’m cold”, “she hit me”, “can I have?” etc) while the only demand that dads have to deal with is: “where’s Mum?”.

Sexist, insulting and stereotypical

Tom, a father of two and primary school teacher from Worcestershire, who writes the blog Daddy Daydream, described the meme as: “very, very insulting to all those Dads who look after their families.”

“I work full time but I do try to do as much with my children as I can,” he said. “There is still a lot of people out there who are unaware of the changes that are taking place in the roles of parents. I am just shocked that of all people to hold these old fashioned opinions that the ELC would be one of them.”

Another blogger, Al Jones of The Dad Network (cos dads have babies too) described the Early Learning Centre’s internet meme as “sexist, insulting and stereotypical”.

“It’s a public display of discriminative stereotyping when (a lot) of dads are doing their best for their children,” he said. “My issue is that it makes implications that dads can’t be arsed and just point their children to their mum. That just isn’t the case anymore, and until things like this are stopped, we’ll continue to have Batman and Robin climbing the houses of parliament. It’s an ongoing uphill battle to promote the importance of the role of fathers within family life when massive corporations make two clicks and spread these kind of things all over the web”.

“We are truly sorry!”

According to the campaign group Fathers 4 Justice (F4J), the Early Learning Centre responded to complaints by removing the post and issuing he following apology:

“We truly are sorry and can assure you that it wasn’t our intention to cause any upset. The post has now been removed.”

F4J Campaign Director Nadine O’Connor said, “We welcome the swift apology by the Early Learning Centre and the removal of the offending post.”

“We hope the real lesson ELC will learn is that fathers are not there to be denigrated, but to be valued in the lives of their children. This should be reflected in future social media posts and advertising by the Early Learning Centre.”

 Dads aren’t just support staff

This isn’t first example of a large brand insulting fathers. Earlier this year Clinton Cards donated £500 to the ManKind charity for male victims of domestic violence to atone for their Director, Tim Fairs, referring to dads as “support staff” in the run up to Fathers’ Day. In another case, Huggies was forced to pull a TV ad that ridiculed dads after receiving a barrage of complaints from mums and dads.

According to a survey by Netmums,nine out of ten parents now think that TV dads do not reflect the contribution that fathers make to family life in the real world. Three out of ten went further and said the way dads are portrayed in the media is a “subtle form of discrimination”.

On a positive note, some brands like Cheerios and McDonald’s have recently been praised for promoting positive images of fatherhood in their tv advertising.

If you spot an advert that’s sexist against men or ridicules fathers (or an advert about dads that deserves to be celebrated) please let us know in the comments section or email insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

—Picture discredit: Early Learning Centre

If you liked this post and want to see more, follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

—Picture Credit: McDonalds 2014

Article by Glen Poole author of the book Equality For Men

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