Philip Davies MP has called for a debate to raise awareness of issues such as male suicide, boys’ educational under-performance and fatherlessness to be held in Parliament on International Men’s Day.

The request follows last year’s controversy after calls for a debate to mark the day were initially mocked by Labour MP Jess Phillips, before pressure from leading men’s charities and campaigners led to the debate going ahead.

If Davies’ application is successful, it will be only the second time an International Men’s Day debate has been held in Parliament.

Davies told the backbench committe the issues debated last year “are still relevant today and still very rarely get debated and discussed in the House of Commons, things like male suicide, the under-performance of boys in schools, the way that men sometimes have difficulty getting access to their children, the impact on men of the criminal justice system.

“Only recently the Prime Minister has raised the issue of how black men in particular are particularly affected in the criminal justice system. And it seems to me this debate would allow all of those issues and others to be discussed.”

Davies told the committee: “I am delighted to say as well that we actually had as many women speaking in the debate as men, to show that it wasn’t just about one particular gender.”

Watch Davies’ full presentation here:

Poet, author and artist Rick Belden has been at the cutting edge of thinking and writing about the psychology and inner lives of men for over 25 years. Here he explores the profound barriers men face when asked to talk about their feelings. (We’ve also included some of his poems to show how powerful it can be when they do.)

Being asked what you need for the very first time by someone who really wants to know and then finding yourself coming up blank is, I think, a common experience for many men. In the very first men’s group I ever attended, virtually every man (including me) was unable to answer the first time the facilitator asked him, “What do you need right now?”

The most common immediate reaction was disorientation and confusion, as if the question itself was somehow beyond comprehension. A lot of men were rendered speechless. Some shrugged and said, “Nothing.” Some looked away or stared at the floor, as if ashamed at the prospect that they might even have needs. Others made jokes or attempted to change the subject. But almost no one was able to answer the question truthfully and sincerely.

‘Little Iron Man’

In exploring our reactions and discomfort with the question as a group, it became clear very quickly that most of us (including me) were unaccustomed to expecting anyone else to genuinely care about what we needed, much less give it to us. As we dug a little deeper into our individual experiences and histories, many of us found ourselves feeling very angry about how little our needs had mattered to those around us throughout our lives. There was often a great sadness as well. In some cases, the grief expressed was profound.

One of the first steps for many of us was to learn that it was okay for us to respond to “What do you need right now?” by simply saying, “I don’t know.” Perhaps this seems like an obvious answer to the question, but it’s one that doesn’t come easy for many men. “I don’t know” is a state of mind men have often been taught to equate with weakness; it is something we’ve been conditioned not to acknowledge to ourselves, much less say out loud.

‘Gift (Iron Man Dream No.3)’

The work required to break through the associated resistance was often substantial for the men involved, and sometimes quite grueling. But a man who is honestly able to say “I don’t know” when he is asked what he needs right now has taken a powerful first step forward in the direction of reconnecting with himself, and those of us who began to answer in that fashion generally found ourselves pleasantly surprised at our ability to respond with something far more specific very soon thereafter.

As we made our first attempts at saying what we needed, some other patterns began to emerge. There was a tendency for many men to talk about their needs in very abstract or high level terms (e.g., “I need more money,” “I need a new job,” “I need a girlfriend,” etc.) that sidestepped the “right now” part of the question. Time after time, the facilitator patiently but firmly steered each man who answered in this manner back into the group, back into the room, and back into real time “right now” experience with the other men who were there with him. This was the next hurdle for many of us, because it meant answering the question not only in “right now” terms, but in terms of telling the other men, “This is what I need from you right now.”

‘Present Time’

Admitting our needs to other men was another challenging taboo for most of us. We had little or no experience understanding and expressing our needs, and many of our initial attempts felt awkward and clumsy at first. It was also very hard for most of us to trust the other men. Men are often most deeply wounded in groups of other males while growing up, and are therefore highly protected against letting it happen again. But the group provided us with what we most needed, a safe space to practice and make mistakes, and we all made progress, in our own way and at our own pace. It was beautiful and often quite moving to watch these men brave the truly daunting risks of opening and unfolding themselves before others in ways they never had before, and such a great and unforgettable privilege to be present as both a participant and a witness.

I’ve been in several other men’s groups over the years since then, with scores of other men, and I’ve continued to see this same dynamic over and over. Many men, when presented with the question “What do you need right now?”, honestly cannot answer because they learned long ago that their needs were not important. A man who is disconnected from his own needs is truly disconnected from himself, and well down the path to trouble in his life. The good news is that, with proper support, attention, and assistance, every man can learn to answer this very important question consistently with clarity and confidence.

Originally posted at poetry, dreams, and the body on Feb 6 2013.

Rick Belden is a respected explorer and chronicler of the psychology and inner lives of men. His book, Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood, is widely used in the United States and internationally by therapists, counselors, and men’s groups as an aid in the exploration of masculine psychology and men’s issues, and as a resource for men who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful family systems. His second book, Scapegoat’s Cross: Poems about Finding and Reclaiming the Lost Man Within, is currently awaiting publication. He lives in Austin, Texas. Rick is a contributor to insideMAN: Pioneering stories about men and boys.

More information, including excerpts from Rick’s books, is available on his website and blog. You can also find him on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube.

In an interview for her (failed) Conservative leadership bid, the now Environment Secretary Andrea Leadsom made a number of comments regarding men who show an interest in providing professional childcare. In short, she suggested that to avoid hiring a man for such a job was not sexism, but ‘cautious and very sensible’ considering that paedophiles are often attracted to working with children, before closing with the statement ‘I’m sorry – but they’re the facts’[1].

I, like many others, am utterly appalled by such comments on a deeply personal level, as well as from an academic perspective and through my involvement in campaigning for gender equality and men’s issues. To understand my personal disgust, you should know a bit more about my upbringing. When I was 12 years old, my parents had the first of my two (much younger) siblings, Fraser, with Macy being born around 16 months later. I therefore spent my teenage years surrounded by all things baby; helping out with changing nappies, babysitting, and keeping the tiny tots amused. One specific incident is forever seared into my memory, that of sharing a deeply traumatic day with my other sister, Sophie (three years my junior, and eight at the time) looking after a continuously screaming one-year-old Fraser whilst my mum accompanied my Dad to a hospital in Tenerife for a dislocated shoulder. Suffice to say, I consider myself pretty ‘baby-savvy’.

These experiences, combined with genuine interest and intrigue, mean that I am fascinated by kids. From new-borns to teenagers I love interacting with them, and I am always spending time with my neighbour’s babies and offering to babysit. I can’t wait to be a Dad myself.  I also studied gender development for many years as part of my degree and PhD, and now teach developmental psychology to undergraduates at my institution, where, more than anything, I try to portray just how fascinating children are and how rewarding it is to work with them (with varying success!).

Considering my substantial practical and theoretical experience in caring for and understanding children, and my genuine, innocent, interest in their behaviour, comments like those made by Andrea Leadsom make me feel deeply uncomfortable. The very fact that I had to use the word ‘innocent’ to describe that interest in the previous sentence quite simply makes me sad. Why does being male mean that those particular interests are eyed with such deep suspicion? Interests that wouldn’t evoke a second thought when exhibited by a woman. This is where my anger takes on an academic angle.

Where does this prejudice come from?

Firstly, I will agree, cautiously, that statistical evidence does suggest that the majority of paedophiles are male. However, this categorically does not mean that the majority of men are paedophiles, or that paedophilia is part of some innate male quality. It certainly does not mean that men who show an interest in children or providing professional childcare are likely to be paedophiles, or that they express such interests for any other reason than the genuine enjoyment and reward gained from interacting with children. Yet sadly too many comments, often by prominent public figures, seem to suggest that the inherent suspicion that surrounds men interested in children and these roles is fueled by such thinking. But where does this come from?

To me it appears that the seeds are planted in childhood. Parents, and others such as teachers and peers, frequently and systematically limit young boys’ engagement with activities linked to caring and nurturance, and steer them away from professions like childcare and nursing. Indeed, recent academic studies[2][3] suggest that parents, particularly fathers, still seek to discourage ‘gender-atypical’ behaviour in boys, such as playing with dolls. Conversely, boys are often praised for engaging in ‘gender-typical’ behaviour, such as rough-and tumble play or playing with toy cars. I have seen and experienced this myself in observing other families, and was routinely discouraged from feminine activities during my own childhood. This is before we even begin to discuss the influence of the media (take as one example the episode of the popular TV show ‘Friends’ where Ross and Rachel hire a male nanny for their daughter. Cue Ross becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the femininity and sensitivity of ‘Sandy’, and eventually dismissing him, as well as having his own sensitive nature mocked[4]). Is it no wonder then that boys, and the men they become, show disinterest and even fear when engaging with children? Most likely due to a lack of experience and understanding, as well as the residual impact of relentless socialisation away from such interests? Is it also no surprise then, that when men do show an interest in children, it is felt that explanations for such strange behaviour must be found? ‘Maybe he’s gay? Maybe he’s a paedophile? Maybe it’s both!’ At the very least, you are guaranteed to get a highly suspicious and judgmental look.

‘Shunned at the school gates’

I must therefore ask, what exactly are we worried about here? Why do we feel it is necessary or important to discourage young boys from learning such important skills? They may not want to take up careers that involve care, but many will one day become fathers. By so strongly discouraging engagement with traditionally feminine activities, aren’t we robbing men, so early on in their development, of the opportunity to provide the emotionally engaged, loving, and nurturing care that their children need and deserve?

I have spoken to many expectant and new fathers, and many of them feel isolated in the process of caring for their own children, largely due to their personal fears and perceived inadequacies, but also due to the chronic lack of value placed on their input by some health professionals, friends, and even their partners. One male clinician I spoke to at a recent conference described how, as a stay-at-home dad, he was shunned by other mothers at the school gates, especially when looking after his daughter. I hear similar stories of judgement from other new dads that I know about their experiences in taking their children solo (heaven forbid!) to the local park. The explanation they all give is that the women that judged them just couldn’t seem to understand why a man would want to choose to be a stay at home dad, or how a father could care for his child for 60 minutes on his own. Their fear, was that those women had similar beliefs to Andrea Leadsom regarding their interest in caring for their own children.

Despite their hurtfulness, in a way, I don’t specifically blame Andrea Leadsom for her comments. Sure they were misguided, ill-informed, seriously lacking tact, and damaging, but she, like so many others, make such remarks because of a wider issue that we face as a society. Whilst young girls are now allowed, and often encouraged, to engage in masculine activities and careers, we are yet to see a similar impetus behind encouraging boys to pursue and enjoy traditionally feminine interests.

‘Gender expectations on sons are still rigid’

More than anything, I feel that we must move towards a place where children are permitted to pursue their own individual interests, without the relentless pressure of gender, and therefore allowed to fulfill their true potential. Indeed, recent evidence does suggest that traditional attitudes are softening somewhat, but that gender role expectations of sons in particular are still rigid[5]. Clearly we still have a long was to go before boys can feel freer to enjoy activities that involve nurturance and care, to possibly pursue that enjoyment into a related career, and to live in a society that doesn’t harshly judge them, or believe there is something wrong with them, for doing so.

I will never stop being fascinated by children. Their behaviour, their development, and their wondrous love of life. But I do sometimes feel uncomfortable in expressing that interest and when spending time with children, as I often feel others are judging me, or worse, thinking there might be something deeply awry. I will take solace however in a comment made by one of my male neighbours, and father of a 1-year-old girl, when discussing Leadsom’s comments. He commented that the decision about who looks after his child is less about gender and more about the individual, how they interact with your child, and whether you can feel that you can trust them; saying that he trusted me to the extent that he would rather I looked after his daughter than some (female) members of his close family. I found this to be both a deeply comforting comment, and a refreshing perspective, that hopefully many people throughout the country share.

My hope is that, by challenging the negative and hurtful beliefs regarding men and childcare, and by allowing young boys to engage with these interests, we will soon begin to see an erosion of these outdated attitudes. A process that will, with any luck, allow boys, and the men they become, to enter caring professions without judgement, to become wholly fulfilled and valued fathers, and to express a normal level of interest in children and their behaviour without the associated prejudice.

By Dr Ben Hine

Ben is a lecturer in psychology at the University of West London and a chartered member of the British Psychological Society (BPS). Ben is interested in a number of gendered issues, concerning both men and women, and specialises his research in attitudes surrounding victims and perpetrators of sexual violence. He is a strong believer in the negative and restrictive affects that gender can have on young children, particularly young boys, and the adults they become.

[1] http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/andrea-leadsom-men-paedophiles-childcare-workers-hired-sensible-a7139351.html

[2] Endendijk, J. J., Groeneveld, M. G., van der Pol, L. D., van Berkel, S. R., Hallers-Haalboom, E. T., Mesman, J., & Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J. (2014). Boys don’t play with dolls: mothers’ and fathers’ gender talk during picture book reading. Parenting, 14, 141-161.

[3] Kane, E. W. (2006). “No way my boys are going to be like that!” Parents’ responses to children’s gender nonconformity. Gender & Society, 20, 149-176.

[4] Crane, D., & Kauffman, M. (Writers) & Bright, K. (Director). (2002). The One With the Male Nanny [Television Series Episode]. In Bright, K., Crane, D., & Kauffmans, M. (Executive Producers), Friends. Los Angeles, California: NBC

[5] Leaper, C. (2013). Parents’ Socialization of Gender in Children. Gender: early socialization, 6.