insideMAN

  • Who we are
  • Men’s Insights
  • Men’s Issues
  • Men’s Interests
  • About Men

Three things we all know about men’s health that are completely wrong

November 13, 2014 by Inside MAN 1 Comment

Andrew Shanahan,  the editor of the Man V Fat a weight loss website for men tells us there three myths about men and health that we need to challenge.

—This is article #60 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Do you know the saying “We shouldn’t make assumptions, because they make an ass out of u and mptions.” Wait. I’ve got that wrong. Maybe it’s presumptions. Whatever it is, the point remains – holding onto pre-conceived notions in the face of reality opens us up to looking foolish. The area of men and health is riddled with such assumptions. I’ve picked out three of the most enduring that we should do our best to expunge, I’d love to hear of any others that you’ve spotted.

1. Everyone knows that men won’t go to the doctors…

Forty percent of men die before they are 75 and men are more likely to be diagnosed for a range of cancers at a later stage – so why won’t the buggers go to the doctors? The accepted wisdom is that men are stoic idiots who hobble along wordlessly until the tumour they’re carrying gets too big for them to put their pants on. Guess what? It’s nonsense. Buying into this myth means that the real issue which keeps men from earlier diagnosis goes unreported. Namely, that men are more likely to work away from home and find that setting up GP appointments around work is very difficult. Additionally, more women are the primary carers for the children and are therefore more likely to be in the doctor’s surgery with them anyway.

 2. We all know that men don’t want to diet…

Look at the magazines like Men’s Health and Men’s Fitness and you’d be forgiven for believing the myth that men don’t want to lose weight, they simply want to “get ripped” and build bigger arms, tighter abs and smoother shins (that might just be me). It’s true that men are more likely to access information about fitness, but that’s largely because the range of information on weight loss for men is so sparse. So why won’t men access weight management groups? Because they’re all designed for women and consequently 85% of attendees are women. That presents a confrontational and unappealing place for men to get support and advice about losing weight.

 3. Of course men just won’t talk about their feelings

75% of people who take their own lives are men. That’s a horrifying statistic. Part of the myth of male suicide is that it’s based on this idea that men won’t talk about their feelings. This is just based on my experience of contact with millions of men who are losing weight or preparing for weddings, but I really think this is bullshit. With earlier generations the John Wayne stereotype might be more relevant, but we live increasingly in a post-Beckham world, a world where you can wear a sarong on the front cover of a national newspaper and still be a sex symbol. We must seek to destroy this idea that men won’t open up, because if we believe it we stop asking and then it becomes true by default.

If you want to do something useful this International Men’s Day on November 19th then take a moment in your professional and personal lives to look at the Ur Man that is presented by newspapers, sitcoms and adverts and scrub your mind clean of these assumptions and stereotypes. Dare to look stupid by asking the basic questions about men again and you may just find that your -mptions are misguided.

—Picture credit: US Navy

 

Andrew Shanahan is the editor of www.manvfat.com a weight loss website for men which takes all the nonsense about diets and makes it easy. Visit the Man V Fat website today to find out more.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Share article

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

Filed Under: ABOUT MEN Tagged With: #100Voices4Men, Man V Fat, men don’t go to the doctors, men’s health, men’s help-seeking behaviour, myths about men’s health

Cultivating a culture of compassion and wellbeing in the construction industry

November 11, 2014 by Inside MAN 1 Comment

Dave Lee, author of The Hairy Arsed Builders Guide To Stress Management, explains why he’s committed to bringing compassion and wellbeing to the construction industry

—This is article #54 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

 I have been builder for 25 years and I’m fully aware that ‘compassion’ and ‘wellbeing’ are not the key words you hear when thinking about the construction industry!
So why introduce them now?
 
 The construction industry is driven by programmes, It wants a quick turn around for maximum profit. It places heavy emphasis looking after the workers physical health and little-to-none on the workers mental health and well-being. 
 
I had to wonder if the concepts of compassion and wellbeing work in such a hard and fast paced environment; where the macho image is dominant? Also how would I go about introducing such concepts into an environment where no one likes being told what to do or may think embracing these concepts might be a sign of weakness? 
Our company is called ‘Building Site to Boardroom’ and we are currently working within construction to introduce these values & concepts. 
There’s a big push for wellbeing within the construction industry. They have all the tools for doing the work on the outside, but where do they go to make life easier on the inside?
 
 It’s taken years for health and safety to be at the standard it is now. It’s been a drip-drip process of getting the message across through introducing personal and social responsibility. 
The construction industry desperately needs a shake up and to look at and take care of its workers total well-being, not just their Health and Safety. 
 
Cultivating a culture of compassion and wellbeing is not another fast passed money driven project, it will take time for the concepts we suggest to be embodied.
 
The main thing I have learnt when introducing this stuff is the  difference between the two values of Personal Responsibility and Social Responsibility (or otherwise known as guiding principles). We are taught a whole lot of social responsibility (‘Social Responsibility’ means  everything outside of yourself; promises you make, rules you should follow, targets you should hit, feeling and being part of the workforce, team or community) and  not very much personal responsibility: and this is where a lot of our problems start appearing. 
 
I found that by introducing four core values stress amongst workers lessened. Working on them has worked wonders on the workforce and benefit they have had has been astounding. They are as follows:
 
‘Personal responsibility’ means taking responsibility for my feelings, thoughts, words, and actions to take nothing personally.
 
‘Personal integrity’: I will do my honourable best, especially when nobody is watching.
 
‘Authenticity’: The choice to express myself honestly and openly and to make no assumptions.
 
‘Equal dignity’: To see and to treat others as my equal without judgment.
I presently work within a construction company called Bower Contracting ltd. I have been introducing the 4 values to their team: Here are just two examples of the effects it is having…
 
Dan a project manager:
 Dan was suffering relationship problems and he was having time off work as the stress was getting to him, he couldn’t cope with his work load as well. We worked with Dan on increasing his mindfulness and on incorporating the core values into his home/work life. 
Below, in his words, is what he said: “Our crossing paths couldn’t have come at a better time in all honesty Dave, this focus and controlling thoughts is easier than I thought and just pushing the self critical thoughts away is very rewarding, I’m taking back control!!
I was sitting there watching a movie last night and I was thinking away….and felt like shit. Then the awareness kicked in……I immediately felt better. My work life and family life has improved using these core values and awareness”
 
James contracts manager
 James had been struggling with a situation with his teenage son, they were regularly getting into confrontations,  so I introduced him to the core values and the use of personal language. This was the feedback he gave me:
 
“Good Morning Dave,  may I take this opportunity to thank you for changing the way I look at life and work. I personally found an immediate effect from our meeting of which I am grateful to you. Good luck with your venture of which I am sure will change many people’s view of the way they look at life and work and become better people, and maybe one day in the future a better society.
 James”
 
I have so many other stories to share… but I feel these sum up the work we are doing to cultivate a culture of compassion and Wellbeing within construction. 
 
‘Building a house every brick counts, building a person it’s every thought that counts’

—Picture credit: Dierk Schaefer

You an contact Dave Lee of Building Site To Boardroom at info@bs2b.co.uk.
You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Share article

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

Filed Under: ABOUT MEN Tagged With: #100Voices4Men, construction industry, men and work, men’s wellbeing

Why We Need a New Generation of Men and Fathers

November 10, 2014 by Inside MAN 1 Comment

Torsten Klaus is an Author, Parenting Coach and Stay-at-home Father. Here he sets out his vision for a revolution in the way society sees fatherhood and how fathers see themselves.

— This is article #49 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

My father did a lot for me and my sister. He bought us the latest toys (which was quite a challenge growing up and living in East Germany), he worked long hours and many weekends, he supported me financially when I went through rougher times of life. I’m thankful for that. Something was missing though. Something very important: emotional closeness and openness. We never talked. We never managed to establish a relationship in which we would share our innermost emotions, feelings, aspirations or dreams.

It took me a long time to come to terms with that. And even longer to realise how important it is to talk, to reflect and to open up. Not only for my sake. No, for the sake of my children, my partner and our relationship, friends, colleagues and somehow for the sake of society.

So why is it so important to have good, honest conversations with your father? I believe it’s about being authentic and empathic. Our journey as humans starts with trusting some very special people – our parents. From our parents we learn – through observing and copying. With their guidance we explore and discover. We try and fail. We try again and may succeed.

‘Society is ripe for a new generation of fathers’

I wished I had the chance to talk to my father. I wished he had taught me how to be more empathic and gentle when I was a teenager or young man. Maybe with his help I wouldn’t have hurt some people in my life. Many young men need exactly such guidance. Life is so complicated and confusing; I was craving for someone who I could trust, someone who would hold me tight and someone who would support and challenge me (emotionally) in a respectful way.

Many men I talk to have had similar experiences, they lack positive male role models and struggle with being the change, which is why I think our society is ripe for and needs a new generation of men and fathers. To make our families and relationships work, we need more understanding and less ego. More empathy and respect; more good talks and honest reflection instead of blaming and judging.

The way we parent our children, especially our boys, will mirror and reflect our society. Economy and politics are ruled by older, hard, ego-driven, so-called strong men. Such ‘strong’ men declare war instead of love. From the safety of behind their desks they decide what’s right and what’s wrong.

I wish for more gentle people to make big decisions which affect our lives. I call for a society where men and women and transgender live equally. That includes parenting. As fathers, to raise our children in a gentle way, we need time to spend with them, time to connect deeply, play and share conversations.

Are boys the super-hero-rougher gender?

How can this be possible when at the earliest, and probably most important time for bonding, fathers in this country are forced to return to work after only two weeks of paternity leave? Why don’t stay-at-home parents get any financial support from the government when they actually do the most important job: raising the future generations (plus saving the state a lot of money for childcare)? Making it difficult for fathers to arrange more flexible working hours.

Why are boys still treated by many as the stronger, braver, super-hero-rougher gender? Because it’s been that way for centuries? Not good enough for me. I want a change. Let’s start here and today. Let’s start the gentle talk. Let’s embrace our children – girls and boys alike – as something beautiful, special, human.

We need a new generation of boys, men, fathers, grandfathers, teachers, politicians, workers, thinkers and dreamers. Let this be your message: “You’ll lead a successful life, when you don’t feel the need to strengthen yourself at the expense of others. When you don’t feel the desire to devalue others in order to upgrade your own ego. When you don’t need to play a role only to find appreciation. You are a man if you really have something to give.” (Gerald Huether). So true.

Photo courtesy: cheriejoyful

Torsten runs the internet platform www.dadstalkcommunity.com and you can connect with him on www.facebook.com/DadsTalk or www.twitter.com/EmpathicFathers

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Share article

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

Filed Under: ABOUT MEN Tagged With: #100Voices4Men, Dads Talk, fatherhood, Torsten Klaus

What is healthy masculinity?

November 5, 2014 by Inside MAN Leave a Comment

When people talk about “healthy masculinity” what do they mean? Is the idea a “healthy” one? Rick Belden answers this question for us and has some interesting answers.

—This is article #36 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Over the last few years, I’ve seen more attempts than I can remember to define what constitutes appropriate and proper (often characterized as “healthy”) manhood and masculinity. Some of these efforts are clear, grounded, and helpful. Some are well-intentioned but misguided and/or misinformed.

Others appear to be driven primarily by sociopolitical motivations, and in far too many cases, by an ongoing effort to demonize men, masculinity, and male power as inherently flawed, bad, evil, wrong, “toxic”, etc. Masculinity is seen as a source of problems and therefore must be restricted, restrained, and if possible, eliminated, with corresponding retraining of men to rid them of their innately troublesome nature (e.g., the widespread “Teach men not to rape” meme).

One of the most prevalent and pervasive themes I’ve seen on this subject typically goes something like this:

Healthy masculinity is defined by how a man treats women.

This could not be more wrong.

Healthy masculinity is defined, first and foremost, by the nature of a man’s relationship with himself. He must know, understand, and be in conscious, ongoing relationship and dialog with:

  • his wounds
  • his history
  • his needs
  • his anger
  • his sadness
  • his grief
  • his joy
  • his strengths
  • his weaknesses
  • his purpose in life
  • his shadow
  • his power

Men should embrace their power

A man’s relationship to his own power is a critical element of a mature, healthy masculinity, and that relationship can be a tricky and difficult one for some men. The primal aspect of male power can be very intimidating, especially for men who spent their boyhoods with men who abused or avoided their own power. But true manhood is not possible without acceptance, application, and mastery of one’s own power, in whatever forms are unique and appropriate for the individual.

Owning and applying one’s power in a mature, healthy way carries with it the responsibility of owning the outcomes of doing so, both positive and negative. It also requires setting boundaries for what is and what is not within the scope of one’s responsibility. A man must be willing to take responsibility for his own actions and inactions, his own successes and failures, without assuming responsibility for the actions, inactions, successes, and failures of others, however much he might feel pressured to do so.

Any man who defines himself primarily in terms of something external to himself (other people, objects, job, etc.) is in for a world of trouble. A man who regularly gives women’s needs higher priority than his own is going to wind up very lost and very angry at some point in his life. He will then direct the effects of his suffering at himself, at those around him, or both.

A man will generally treat others, over the long term, only as well as he treats himself. A man who is in healthy relationship with himself will treat others (women, children, and animals as well as other men) with the same respect, consideration, and understanding he allows himself, and all of it will be coming from a place of authentic inner abundance rather than from a need to impress or meet external expectations.

What about healthy womanhood?

It’s hard for me to imagine the same folks who espouse the “Healthy manhood is defined by how a man treats women” approach flipping the genders and saying “Healthy womanhood is defined by how a woman treats men.” Healthy relationship between men and women will not come by requiring one gender (male) to elevate the other (female) above itself. What we should be aiming for is parity and partnership. Telling boys and men that the number one priority in their lives should be the needs of girls and women takes all of us in the opposite direction.

The “Healthy masculinity is defined by how a man treats women” approach essentially says that healthy, appropriate, mature masculine identity is to be determined on a performance basis by women, according to standards that would no doubt vary from time to time and woman to woman. This is a blueprint for confusion and frustration on the part of both men and women. Women cannot define masculinity for men, nor should they be expected to, any more than men can, or should be expected to, define the feminine for women.

The true source of healthy masculinity is within each man. It is waiting for him in his mind, his heart, and his body. It speaks to him in his dreams, his daydreams, and his fantasies. The pathways that can lead him to it are ancient and well-traveled by his ancestors. It is a journey that has been taken countless times over countless centuries, but it begins anew with the life of every newborn boy who enters this world. Let’s give each boy and each man the tools, the knowledge, the encouragement, and the freedom to take that journey in his own way, at his own pace. That is the one and only way that healthy masculinity will truly manifest and express itself in our world.

—Picture credit:Flickr/PinkMoose

Rick Belden is an explorer and chronicler of the psychology and inner lives of men. His book, Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood, is used by therapists, counsellors, and men’s groups as an aid in the exploration of masculine psychology and men’s issues, and as a resource for men who grew up in dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful family systems.

More information, including excerpts from Rick’s books, is available a www.rickbelden.com.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Share article

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

Filed Under: ABOUT MEN Tagged With: #100Voices4Men, healthy masculinity, masculinities, Rick Belden

The Beast in Me – How can men harness aggression without it destroying them?

November 2, 2014 by Inside MAN Leave a Comment

Can men make sense of their aggression? Can we live in balance with our primitive selves and remain effective as adult men?

If you don’t know it already, try listening to the song The Beast in Me . This song does not tell a particular story, it’s more like a description of the sense of regret that usually follows when you ‘lose your temper’ and do or say something that’s hard or impossible to undo. To my mind it’s about being overwhelmed by your own aggression and taking it out on someone else. What really touches me about the song is that it is full of compassion – for the aggressor.

— This is article #30 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys

Aggression is not a solution

Before I go any further let me make it clear that I am not an apologist for verbal or physical violence against anyone, I am not advocating aggression as a solution. What I do advocate is looking at aggression with curiosity in order to understand it and to reduce it’s power over us.  I suggest that the first step is to stop thinking of aggression as an entirely negative quality. Since starting to write this article I have begun to understand that compassion is the only way to really deal with the issues that lie behind aggression.

The natural or reflex response to aggression is either to run away or to reflect it back, to be more aggressive and engage in a fight. Neither of these responses is likely to help resolve the aggression. Most of us have to resolve our own aggression, it’s just not safe to act it out in the world, it frightens people or they become aggressive back at us.

A positive force?

Through discussing this issue I now see aggression as an essential ingredient in almost everything we do. I became aware how hard I work to control it and what a nuanced set of skills we all need to deal with it.

Aggression is not an exclusively male trait but it is often treated as an inherently male quality that can be enacted in a positive or negative way. I am interested in how men and boys do this, how can we channel our aggression so it works for us (and those around us) and does not explode in our faces. When aggression is expressed it is highly charged, exciting, possibly dangerous, sometimes destructive, sometimes it’s a positive force for change, it can even be all these things at once.

The thing that enabled me to start thinking about my own aggression was to stop thinking of it as a taboo subject. It is now my understanding that aggression is like salt in food, there’s a little of it in everything, when there’s a lot of it, you really know it (and it’s hard to process). What I mean by this is that it takes aggression to get going. To do anything at all you need determination and energy, a decision and the power to enact it.

This can apply to making a cup of tea, getting out of bed, driving a car, building a bridge. We have lots of words that disguise aggression, determination, energy, pizzaz, spirit, power, spunk, oomph, all these things come down to applying our energy effectively to our everyday lives in order to get things done. Etymology reveals that the word aggression stems from the Latin word “gradus” which means “a step” so “to agress” is simply to “to step” or “to go to”.

Balancing act

With this understanding in mind, it’s much easier to see that aggression is something that all of us are constantly managing, constantly trying to balance (like the salt) in a satisfactory way in our behaviour, the right amount here, the right amount there, a little more here, a little less there. In this light it is much easier to catch how this balancing act sometimes breaks down and we get it wrong. I suppose I am talking in terms of misjudgement rather than catastrophe, that getting aggression out of balance is common but often repairable, apology, amends, trying again are every-day occurrences that are used all the time to unscramble an excess of aggression.

I think men have a particularly complex relationship with aggression, so many of our childhood role models are soldiers and action men it is hard to work out where the ‘gentle-man’ fits in. Integrating the primitive masculine will always be difficult, ultimately it’s a continuous process, our relationship to it is not set in stone. If we are prepared to reflect on our aggression and learn about it we can deal with it better, with more skill and dare I say, finesse.

Simon Fell is a Brighton-based artist. You can see his work by visiting his website www.simonfell.co.uk 

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not necessarily the views of the insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com

Photo: Flickr/Doug Kline

Share article

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

Filed Under: ABOUT MEN Tagged With: #100Voices4Men, Male aggression, Simon Fell

‘If you don’t initiate your young men into the tribe, they will burn down the village’

November 2, 2014 by Inside MAN 1 Comment

There is an African proverb that says, if you do not initiate your young men into the tribe, they will come back and burn down the village just to feel the heat. Are we seeing the consequences in the UK of a failure to provide our young men with a proper path to manhood? Here Peter Chaplin, who organises male rites of passage retreats, explains what this ancient tradition means to him.

— This is article #29 in our #100Voices4Men and boys series

It’s a 500-mile drive from where I live in Surrey to Perth, Scotland, where the annual Men’s Rites of Passage event takes place. The long journey is part of the process for most of us – the separation from work, cars, supermarkets, families, wifi. The road rises after Preston on the M6 and that’s where I feel the distance beginning to have an effect. By the time I arrive, I’ve forgotten how long I’ve been travelling.

When I finally turn the engine off and hand over my keys, phone, books and music, it’s to spend five days under canvas in a field in company with 45 other men, who are also scratching their heads and wondering what they’ve let themselves in for.

Reframing a man’s life

My turn came in 2010, and it was a memorable journey back into a fuller appreciation of the eldership of mature men, something so badly lacking in the west.  Most of us have no initiations for such moments. Granted, we can be confirmed by our local bishop (a bit of a milk-and-water affair, as I recall) if we’re in a mainstream church, or can go through initiations in military and sometimes in sporting environments.  We go through rites of passage when we are named, married, produce children and die, but nowhere else.

But the rites of passage was very male, very masculine, full of power, passion, failure, humour and brokenness, grief and release. It was earthy and humane, carried a recognition of the inevitability of loss and a reframing of the second half of a man’s life in which the graph levels out and starts to turn south, the time when fighting and striving stop.

I and the men around me found a safe space to confront and experience our failures and griefs among a team of elders who had taken the same journey earlier. Our feet were gently held to the fire, so to speak. It’s not a retreat, and it’s not therapy either. We didn’t have to negotiate any language with women, or apologize for the parts of ourselves that we hide from them.

Bad traditions need to be retired, but having no traditions at all seems to me to be much worse

There’s even more need for this type of eldering/mentoring for adolescents. It’s a challenge to devise meaningful rituals for young men to bring them into conscious and competent manhood. There’s an old African saying that if we don’t do this, the young men will come back and burn down the village. Isn’t that what’s happening right now all over the west? Young men don’t know who they are – though it’s not so surprising, since we as their fathers don’t really know either.

We have cast aside the old ways and the wisdoms of our ancestors without a second’s thought, all in the name of individual rights, self-expression, my freedom, all of which are good and necessary things. Bad traditions need to be retired, but having no traditions at all seems to me to be much worse.

On the way home, we find out later, most men say little or nothing, and when asked at home how it went, they say “I don’t really know what to tell you.” Weeks later it can be the same. For that short space of time up in Perth, these men, many for the first time, got outside their heads and into something altogether deeper and less tameable by language and thought. Sometimes their partners just nod and smile and wait for clues to begin leaking out, for conversations they’ve longed for over many years. Something has changed that they recognise before we do.

To find out more visit the Men’s Rites of Passage website here.

Photo: Flickr/Michael Pollack

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not necessarily the views of the insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Share article

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

Filed Under: ABOUT MEN Tagged With: #100Voices4Men, Initiation rites, male rites of passage, Manhood, rites of passage

It’s time to break the ancient taboo of male vulnerability

October 28, 2014 by Inside MAN 5 Comments

Men can be vulnerable if only we allow them to be says the counsellor and relationship coach Antony Sammeroff.

—This is article #20 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

There is an ancient taboo on a man showing his vulnerability. This is perhaps the product of a time when the strict gender role for women was to raise children and make home, while it was the assumed responsibility of a man to provide resources and protection.

In this time a man who did not want to work a dangerous job could not have provided the first, and a man who did not want to fight a war could not provide the second. And so, every society that succeeded only succeeded by shaming men who heeded their own sense of vulnerability. Emotions such as anger and pride which could be applied to dominance may have been permitted, but fear, sadness, grief, guilt, shame and anxiety were best ignored.

It is a little known fact that little boys receive more physical punishment than little girls, and studies correlate frequency of physical punishment to the rate of domestic violence. Baby boys are, on average, allowed to cry for longer without being comforted . As toddlers they are told that “big boys don’t cry”, and as adolescents they are told to “man up and take it.”

The pattern is then bolstered by the man’s stereotypical gender role at work. Men succeed in gaining promotions by outcompeting other men. A lawyerwho says to the defence counsel ‘that’s a good point we hadn’t considered, can my client and I have a moment to discuss that?’ will make a terrible lawyer, but a wonderful partner! A man who hones the skill of interrupting and undermining his opponent excels in the courtroom and the office, but if he brings these antisocial disciplines home to verbally abuse his wife and undermine the confidence of his children he will make a terrible husband.

We need to teach men to care for themselves first

When we diminish a man’s capacity for self-empathy we diminish his capacity to empathise with others. Research shows that boys, on average, tend to be more transactional than girls, meaning that they “act out” what has been done to them more often than girls who are more likely to “act it in” on themselves.

The prison psychologist, James Gillian (husband of the famous feminist Carol Gillian) found in his work with some of the most violent men in America that what often motivated them to violence was an idea they internalized from their environment that to be a man meant to dominate in order to gain respect. Prisoners said to him things like “James, I never felt so much respect in my life as when I had a gun in my hand.” Part of rehabilitating these criminals was to break down and recreate their own imagination of what manhood meant to them.

In my own work as a counsellor and relationship coach I am faced with the pain of men who feel that even admitting they have a struggle, such as with attracting a woman, is humiliating because according to the standards they have inherited from their upbringing, it is an admission of their failure as a man. If it’s humiliating to even admit you have a problem, how do you go about getting help? No wonder the majority of people who go to counselling or therapy are women.

Acknowledging men’s pain does not diminish women’s pain

It does not help the cause of mutual understanding when any discussion of men’s issues are too often met with generic responses such as a sarcastic “poor men” or a “yeah, but women have it worse.” How is this to further the cause of men learning to discuss their grievances openly and honestly and express their emotions? Who would tell a sexual assault victim that a rape victim had it worse? The pain of one sex does not negate or diminish the pain of another and the taboo on male vulnerability has to go! It is only through mutual understanding of the challenges that face each sex that we can build a more just order.

All men’s issues eventually become women’s issues because the extent to which men feel understood is likely to reflect the extent to which they are willing to be challenged and offer the same understanding to women. Of course the reverse is also true.

While Women’s Studies has rightly critiqued the traditional roles which women were expected to fulfil with a view to expanding their options and opportunities many have claimed that history is men’s studies. In fact all that history does for a man is to reinforce his traditional role as a performance machine. The greatest of men, in the historic view, is he who “heroically” risks his life in war, or has the privilege of sending other men to kill and die for their nation state.

Now is the time to critique the traditional role of the male as an emotionless automaton built to provide and compete. The ultimate beneficiaries will be our children who will have better fathers and happier mothers who will model the skills necessary for them to form rich, open and honest relationships, and the tools to forge new workplaces based on mutual empathy rather than one-upmanship and competition.

—Picture credit:Flickr/Jason Roberts

Antony Sammeroff is a relationship coach and counsellor living in Edinburgh, Scotland , where he runs workshops to help people create fulfilling relationships by improving the way they communicate with themselves and others. Antony answers questions and posts videos on improving relationship and communication skills on his new youtube channel Enrich Your Life

He also interviews parenting experts for The Progressive Parent youtube channel and his website can be found at www.enrichyourlife.co. Antony offers elationship coaching internationally over skype.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Share article

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

Filed Under: ABOUT MEN Tagged With: #100Voices4Men, Antony Sammeroff, counselling for men, male psychology, male vulnerability, men and emotions

Why are some young men drawn to terrorism?

October 23, 2014 by Inside MAN 3 Comments

By David Plummer, Griffith University. This article was originally published on The Conversation. 

Recent coverage of counterterrorism raids in Australia featured hard-core gyms, anabolic steroids, nightclub bouncers, gangs and weapons. Footage from the Middle East regularly depicts truckloads of young bearded warriors bristling with ordnance.

Is this a view of masculinity that merely happens to be violent? Or does masculinity actively underwrite and sustain extremist movements?

The paradox is that while the world sees extremism as dangerously anti-social, the men themselves appear to see it as a profound social duty.

They exhibit dogmatic conformity to group social norms, they see an opportunity for masculine notoriety and to have a risky “boy’s own” adventure. Above all, they see it as the ultimate demonstration of manhood.

Understanding how this occurs should be a top priority – especially how young boys go down the path of terror – because this understanding ultimately paves the way for interventions, de-escalation and peace.

From quiet kid, to terrorist warrior

A number of alternative explanations exist for the prominence of hypermasculine imagery in reports of terrorism. The imagery may well reflect Western media biases and serve the propaganda purposes of Western governments. That is to say, the reports largely speak to Western cultural viewpoints and political agendas.

While this may well be the case, there is clearly much more to the story. It is also possible that hypermasculinity is a side-effect of the posturing of war. But this merely reinforces the view that masculinity is indeed a potent force at work here.

In addition to obvious hypermasculine imagery, three other features strike a chord with my own research:

  • First is the youth of the recruits, including many teenagers
  • Second is the transformation from quiet kid into terrorist warrior – think “lone wolf”
  • Third is the way that young men identify with a cause and affiliate with extremist groups

These features – young male, group identification, transformation into warrior – have much in common with, and should draw our attention to, the more familiar rites of passage that mark the transition from childhood to manhood.

The Boy Scouts is one way many Western countries have imparted masculine ideals to boys. Freeparking/Flickr, CC BY

The transition from boyhood to manhood is a crucial time in boys’ lives. Becoming a man is the ultimate social endorsement and personal accomplishment.

Most boys apply themselves to the task without question. In part, this is because the change seems so normal and because they rightly sense that failure is associated with some of the deepest social taboos of all.

Most cultures, including those in the West, have limited tolerance for members who “deviate” from accepted gender norms. For all intents and purposes becoming a man is compulsory.

Initiation to manhood invariably involves confronting fear

For most, becoming a man seems natural, probably because it appears to stem from the biological changes of puberty. But there are actually many pathways to manhood and many possible outcomes. The natural “feel” is deceptive.

There is plenty of research that shows that masculinity is highly variable and above all is a social achievement, which is largely independent of biology.

Different societies define manhood very differently: they define what a “real man” is, set the standards that boys ought to aspire to, and orchestrate the transition to manhood through a variety of mechanisms.

Indeed, becoming a man is potentially so variable that anthropologist David Gilmore reminds us that:

Boys have to be encouraged, sometimes actually forced, by social sanctions to undertake efforts toward a culturally defined manhood, which by themselves they might not do.

Traditional societies seem to have addressed the uncertainties in the transition to manhood by developing initiation rituals to guide young men through. These rituals typically entail some form of risky challenge, which boys use to prove their manhood and to earn the right to be called a man.

The boys always underwent initiation under the guidance of older mentors and in the company of their peers. The rituals served to make the transition orderly, meaningful and invested it with shared social purpose.

Boys teaching boys

Modern-day social change has witnessed a decline in all but the most basic rites of passage. Yet becoming a man is as important as always, and the transition to manhood remains very challenging.

This raises the question: how do boys navigate the transition now? I argue that many boys now invent their own rites of passage.

Research in the West Indies showed that social change has led to a loss of older mentors from boys’ lives due to long working hours and commuting times, fewer men in teaching, suspicion about men in youth clubs, changing family structures and so on.

These shifts have left a power vacuum that is vulnerable to exploitation. Boys are spending more time in the sole company of their peers: on street corners, in shopping malls and in their cars.

Instead of growing up with the role models and standards of older, more experienced men, most of their role modelling comes from peer groups. In the absence of alternatives, these groups resort to raw physical masculinity as the yardstick for what masculinity should look like, how boys should behave and who should dominate.

Terrorism as a passage to manhood

They also develop their own rituals to admit members, some of which are extreme, anti-social and high-risk. It is a willingness to take risks that is considered the hallmark of a “real man”.

So how does this relate to terror? Hypermasculine imagery is prominent in the media. Terror recruits are young, group-affiliated and primed to take risks. They are supposedly disaffected and therefore susceptible to mentoring by like-minded peers and older men, whose motives differ from those of their parents and community.

There are key similarities with classic rites of passage and key parallels with my own work on masculinity elsewhere. The social pressures and events around the transition to manhood are especially susceptible to exploitation.

It is difficult not to conclude that masculinity is a key force that underwrites and sustains extremism. In terrorism, we are witnessing a very specific configuration of the passage to manhood.

David Plummer does not work for, consult to, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has no relevant affiliations.

Read the original article.

Photo: Flickr/DVIDSHUB

If you liked this article and want to read more, follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

Also on insideMAN:

  • Land diving: Courage, endurance and the cost of becoming a man
  • Do men start wars?
  • Eight things that Fight Club taught us about masculinity

Share article

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

Filed Under: ABOUT MEN Tagged With: David Plummer, Initiation rites, ISIS, male rites of passage, Manhood, masculinity, men and war, rites of passage, sub-story, terrorism, The Conversation

What does it mean to be a Dad in 2014?

October 7, 2014 by Inside MAN 1 Comment

The psychotherapist Philip Hodson, first came to our attention last month when the Olympic oarsman, James Cracknell, announced that the pair were working together to tackle the “fatherhood crisis“.

–This is article #5 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys

I hope it’s more than the definition I got some years back from a weed-smoking hippy who said: “Well, I was present at the conception, weren’t I?”

I was recently asked by my professional organisation, the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, to answer 20 questions about myself. The final one was: “What has been the greatest achievement in your life, or the achievement you value most?”

I wrote: “Parenting my children.”

I can’t think of anything that changes an adult’s life more than having a child. Or rather, I can’t think of anything that should change your life more than having a child.

I have never quite understood the hoo-hah about weddings, even those involving royalty. In my book, marriage is a question not an answer. After all, one-third of new marriages end in divorce within five years.

But you can never, never, never divorce your kids. Getting pregnant therefore outranks marriage or cohabitation by the same amount that a general outshines a corporal.

In my view, the ‘big day’ is not a wedding but your first child’s natal day. From that moment, you undertake a responsibility for as long as you live. (You’ll certainly still be handing over money in their 20s, unless you’re far cleverer than me.)

A dad in my book is not someone who, after his third divorce, decides to father his next child in his late 60s. He is a man who understands that it’s not a great idea to junk one family to start another just because you want better sex with younger women. It’s equally weird to give life to offspring whom you know you will probably abandon by dying before they’re 15.

Of course, if your marriage has ended despite your best intentions, and access to your children is difficult because your ex is a jealous nightmare, and you’ve fallen for a lovely women who yearns for a family of her own – then I do understand. But remember, you still only have limited time and energy. You cannot be in two places at once, despite what you think, and your existing kids still need you to make continuous efforts on their behalf.

So, while DNA will always tell you whether you were present at the conception, fathering actually starts when you accept that you’ll be the guy fetching the morning-sickness bowl.

—Picture credit: Flickr/Kelly Sikkema

©  2014 Phillip Hodson (www.philliphodson.co.uk)

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

 

 

 

Share article

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

Filed Under: ABOUT MEN Tagged With: #100Voices4Men, #100VoicesForMen, 100 voices for men and boys, fatherhood, James Cracknell, Phillip Hodson, psychotherapist

How are men like crabs?

October 6, 2014 by Inside MAN Leave a Comment

Professor Nick Clements is an expert in male rites of passage. Here he offers an insight into his work guiding men through rites of passage.

—This is article #3 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

I am very fortunate, the work I do is my passion and it serves a purpose in the wider community. One aspect of my work is to guide men through rites of passage. I find the best way of describing the process is to compare ourselves metaphorically to a crab. All crabs eventually grow too large for their exoskeleton, and the very thing which protects, and is its’ identity, becomes restrictive and harmful.

The crab recognises this and realises it needs to shed the shell, and grow a new one. This must be done wholeheartedly, every part of it needs to be renewed. During this change, the crab becomes soft, not hard, and vulnerable. It will often hide under a stone. After a while the crab can once again go out into the world. We all undertake such a process many times in our lives.

The significance of rites of passage was recognised by our ancestors, and by indigenous people all round the world. My job is to help facilitate such change to occur for men in a way that is relevant to today, and to accompany people on their journey. We think of teenagers and the transition of boy to man as the most important rite.

Training men to be role models

Presently we are expecting most of our teens to do this work on their own, without guidance from the older generations. We need courageous older men to help them on their way, and I am running such a training programme for the male staff at ‘Kids Company’. Male role models should have put themselves through a rite of passage before doing the same to the teenagers.

Most of this training deals with the transition from being self-centred to becoming community conscious. A lot of this work is with men between the ages of 40 and 60. Many have been successful in the material world, but as they mature they feel their achievements have little significance. As a consequence they seek to become of value to the wider community, to ‘put something back’. Such a change of mindset is very welcome in our present selfish culture.

Often this change can come about by understanding the story of ‘Zorba the Buddha’ from Osho. As Zorba, the man enjoys the material world, he fights, dances, womanises and drinks. After a while he becomes dissatisfied with this lifestyle. As Osho says ‘only a very mediocre mind can go on being happy with it’. So, he looks up from the earth to the sky, but he doesn’t forget his roots. ‘Live in this world, because this world gives ripening, maturity, integrity. The challenges of this world give you a centering, an awareness. And that awareness becomes the ladder. Then you can move from Zorba to Buddha.’

These mature men are on a personal journey through vulnerability, grief and emotional intelligence, and by doing so they are able to support teenagers in a valuable way. Not expecting the boys to become superheroes, but enabling them to find their passion, witnessing the teenagers’ struggle, and praising their bravery and courage. This is how community can be created.

 —Picture credit: Flickr/Mark Roy

Nick Clements is an author, consultant and workshop leader using creativity to address social and environmental problems. His unique techniques enable thousands of people to move through personal development to recognise their benefit for the wider community. His work remains a benchmark in his field, in recognition of his outstanding contribution he was made a Visiting Lecturer at Staffordshire University in 2009.

He has written three books on creativity, and three books on male rites of passage, and is available to facilitate groups and workshops on such issues.He is hosting a series of pop-up conferences on masculinity for men and women, called ‘REAL MEN’. For more information on his work and the conferences: www.nick-clements.com.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

 

Share article

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

Filed Under: ABOUT MEN Tagged With: #100Voices4Men, 100 voices for men and boys, male rites of passage, masculinity, Nick Clements

« Previous Page
Next Page »

InsideMAN is committed to pioneering conversations about men, manhood and masculinity that make a difference. We aim to create spaces where the voices of men, from many different backgrounds, can be heard. It’s time to have a new conversation about men. We'd love you to be a part of it.

insideNAN cover image  

Buy the insideMAN book here

Be first to get the latest posts from insideMAN

To have new articles delivered direct to your inbox, add your name and email address below.

Latest Tweets

  • Why Abused By My Girlfriend was a watershed moment for male victims of domestic abuse and society @ManKindInit… https://t.co/YyOkTSiWih

    3 weeks ago
  • Thanks

    5 months ago
  • @LKMco @MBCoalition @KantarPublic Really interesting.

    5 months ago

Latest Facebook Posts

Unable to display Facebook posts.
Show error

Error: Error validating application. Application has been deleted.
Type: OAuthException
Code: 190
Please refer to our Error Message Reference.

Copyright © 2019 · Metro Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.