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How wearing trousers went from a symbol of freedom, to a straight-jacket for masculinity

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Look closely at the gentleman in the foreground of this picture. He’s the head of this 1720s aristocratic household. He wears a wig, a dress, lacy underclothes, stockings and high heels – and there’s no doubt he’s a man.

Today it’s almost unthinkable that men in public wear anything but trousers. This entirely arbitrary and very recent limitation on acceptable dress for men, has implications that go deep into both the psyche of each individual as well as into the very structure of democratic society.

— This is article #89 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

When we wear clothes, the fabric drapes about our limbs, touches our skin, and gives us constant feedback about the position and attitude of our body. The garments we wear also need to bear on our bodies at specific points so that they stay in place and don’t fall off: the shoulders and collar of a shirt, the waistband of trousers, the cuffs of a jacket, the snug fit of shoes. With these familiar areas of pressure and weight we develop an internal map of our body which is part of feeling ‘at home’ in our own body.

Clothes tell us how to feel about our bodies

Finally, the structure of the garments themselves – the way the panels of fabric are cut and sewn into shapes – provide subtle pressures which suggest certain movements and restrict other movements.

So the experience of wearing clothing is like providing ourselves with a portable feedback loop which gives us a specific relationship with our body and offers a specific range of movements.

When we wear only trousers on our lower body, we experience our body in only one way and we tend to practice a limited range of movements. In effect when we wear the same garments all the time we affirm a cultural story that our male body has only a very limited capacity to feel and to express, and that our relationship with our body is simple and unvaried.

Of course wearing trousers doesn’t actually prohibit us doing things like expressing affection or receiving touch. Rather, the body-level experience of being in trousers supports certain familiar and culturally acceptable ways to express ourselves – so that other forms of expression don’t feel right and don’t look right.

‘Gender vertigo’

Beyond this personal experience, trousers are a symbol of social legitimacy and appropriate democratic participation. Trousers and democratic citizenship emerged at the same time. The Great Reform Act of 1832 was hailed at the time as a turning point in democratic participation, massively increasing the number of people able to vote. At the same time trousers and a simple military-style jacket, became de rigueur for men in public life. Trousers symbolised equality: the divide between the peasant in his smock and our 1720s aristocrat in his wig and silk stockings, was swept away by a garment available to all, elegant for all and practical for all.

Back then, trousers were an epochal step towards freedom and social participation. But now, nearly 200 years later, the cultural rejection of anything but trousers is an appalling straight-jacket. The 19th Century realisation that peasant and aristocrat are all the same under the skin has become an oppressive trap for men as we intensely and minutely police each other in to ensure we all appear the same and act the same. Variations from the norm are fiercely put down, emotionally through ridicule and humiliation or physically through violence.

Wearing unfamiliar garments, like this Bloodwood skirtsuit from 2013, raise terrors at the intimate level of our relationship with our bodies. We are suddenly confronted with new possibilities of pleasures beyond our habitual patterns of proper ‘masculine’ body movements and flows of touch. It is common to experience ‘gender vertigo’ at this point: a dizzying questioning along the lines of “if I enjoy this so much, does that mean I am gay/a woman/transvestite?”

Just do it!

Alongside the personal level we are also confronted with the potential to be excluded from social participation at work, in our family, among friends and on the street. The fears arising at the level of our own bodies can be engaged through both growth work and play. But the fears around social exclusion have a very real basis; as recently as 10 years ago men were still being killed for transgressing gender norms.

Thankfully the risk of physical violence in Western countries has almost entirely receded, but inevitably people will be puzzled, and significant people like bosses or clients may make decisions which disadvantage you. So it’s helpful to have a simple package to explain verbally what you are doing and why it’s important.

Moving beyond trousers moves us beyond trousers masculinity – the template of maleness of the last 200 years. Other garments are our license to explore our relationship with ourselves and our own body, and to explore other ways of engaging in social life beyond the restrictions on men’s self-expression and interaction with others.

At the moment it’s challenging for men to wear skirts and dresses on the street. But that’s only because it’s still very unusual. The best way to make it common is to claim it’s perfectly legitimate and acceptable by simply doing it!

— Picture credit: Joseph Van Aken, An English Family at Tea (circa 1720)

Dr Arian Bloodwood brings a unique perspective on masculinity through wearing “gender non-conforming” clothing since the 70s.  Initially joining men’s groups in Australia in the early 80s, he has been part of a wide range of approaches to men’s issues, including experiential workshops, ritual work, political activism, and a PhD in men and progressive change.  His driving theme is the massive opportunities for men to step beyond gender to enrich our lives and create new selves. He currently lives in London where he offers a spiritually-oriented accounting service. Visit his website here

Also on insideMAN:

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

We need a new approach to helping violent men and women

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David Eggins, of TEMPER Domestic Violence, a service that works with both male and female perpetrators, explains why it’s crucial to move beyond a gender-based understanding of the issue.

— This is article #88 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Twenty years ago last September Ms Sandra Horley, CEO of REFUGE spoke on the subject of domestic violence at a conference in Northampton, organised by Women’s Aid. Her message was “violent men will not change, the only thing for a woman to do is to leave.”

As one of a number of RELATE delegates there I was appalled at her disparaging comments about men and their inability, in her view, to change. My own experience as a man and of men was that virtually all men are able to change and I almost immediately knew of various methods to help men change which needed to be welded into a programme.

A number of the other delegates there were similarly struck. We resolved there and then to build a programme to address these problems.

Both men and women need help

The policy of stopping and preventing violence to women and girls sat very easily with me with all the chivalrous stuff that I’d been brought up with. But counselling work I’d been doing in RELATE in the early 90’s, clearly indicated that not only some men could be violent to women, but also some women could be violent to men, too, and deceitful and manipulative, just like some men.

The course we devised focussed on bringing about change by learning new skills and developing people’s greater awareness of themselves, particularly when getting out of their own control – more usually in those days it was called “anger management”: we would now call it “emotional regulation”, setting the work in a therapeutic context. We had been trained largely in psychodynamic methods of counselling and systems theory and personally I’d learnt a great deal about myself from “experiential exercises” which usually meant “activity”.

We’ve found virtually no difficulty about working with men and women in mixed groups – and, unlike Duluth, we’ve found most of the men very well motivated, and the women no less so. But, of course, the national policy is “preventing violence to women and girls”, so working with women is utterly, utterly frowned upon, not that we knew that at the time.

‘Statistics tell their own truth’

We ignore it now for the nonsense that it truly is; the statistics tell their own truth, women are now thought to be responsible for between 20% and 40% of domestic violence, depending on whether you believe government statistics or Women’s Aid’s!

So what else have we learnt? Well, The Duluth programme, a “perpetrator programme” “a DVPP” was designed to address the problems seen by women in their violent men. The problems they saw were, of course, all to do with patriarchy and men’s “sense of entitlement” to dominate everything, particularly women. So therefore you couldn’t work with women who couldn’t be patriarchs, and of course there is no real violence in lesbian relationships or in gay relationships, because that would mess up the whole patriarchy theory on which the work has to be based!

For our part, we just saw people, in whatever relationship, that needed help to recognise and change their behaviours. Men take revenge on women that displease them was what “they” said. Women finally retaliate against men who are coercive controllers. Those are the “official” or strived-for views. All men are liars and have to be disbelieved, for example male victims are really in most cases really abusers. All women tell the truth, a woman who claims to be an abuser has really just not understood her role as a victim of men’s previous violence, and she needs to learn that.

Why ignore violence to boys?

Twenty years ago REFUGES were in short supply. They are now plentiful. The practice of moving a woman as far away as possible with her daughter(s) from her (potentially) murderous man (for which read all men!) is now being slowly contradicted by local authorities, recognising that moving women and girls into refuges far away from their own support networks meant they were “locked up” in a different, dependent relationship.

The average of two women per week being killed by a partner or former partner (of 15.2m women in intimate relationships) is well known. Female deaths are down this year to 78 (claimed as progress, of course – despite a similar earlier one year “blip” and subsequent re-bound.) And the number of children killed in domestic violence scenarios? It averages about 60, but not one of 25 professionals I asked at a recent conference knew that! Why would they? It deflects from the feminist message!

“Preventing violence to women and girls”? Why would preventing violence to boys be ignored? After all, according to feminist theory (all) boys will be the next male abusers. But from whom and how and where are they learning that abuse, that learned behaviour? From disenfranchised and absent fathers, of course! Where else?

“I’ll box your ears, my lad!”

Very sadly there is only a half a platoon that knows about this state of affairs! At least a small army is needed; your country needs you!

Our nation’s children need the wisdom and action that men can bring to the agenda, and we need it soon. Money is also needed. How is it that the CEO alone of a smallish women’s charity can earn more, about four-times more, than the total money devoted to two national charities supporting mainly men? Some things simply do not add up.

Picture credit: Cambridgeshire Police

TEMPER! Domestic Violence works with domestic abusers, both men and women in mixed gender groups with a therapeutic thread. To find out more visit their website here

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Men and gender equality: a report from Helsinki

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Martin Robb reports from a European Commission seminar on engaging men in gender equality work.

—This is article #87 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Engaging men in the struggle for gender equality appears to be an idea whose time has come. In September Harry Potter star Emma Watson made a widely-reported speech at the United Nations, promoting the HeForShe campaign, and among a number of forthcoming events on this theme, next year’s conference of the American Men’s Studies Association, to be held in New York City, will be a joint event with MenEngage on ‘Engaging men and boys for gender equality’.

Back in June, Sandy Ruxton and I took part in a seminar on a similar theme at the Government Equalities Office in London, at which I talked about the ‘Beyond Male Role Models’ project and our research on gender identities and work with young men. One outcome of that event was an invitation to take part in a European Commission ‘exchange of good practice’ seminar in Helsinki, on the role of men in gender equality, which took place last week. The event was attended by representatives from 15 European countries – from Italy to Ireland, and Luxembourg to Latvia – and I had the privilege of being invited to represent the United Kingdom as an independent expert, alongside Barbara-Ann Collins from the Government Equalities Office.

Strong emphasis on paternity leave

During the seminar three countries – Finland, Iceland and Austria – presented examples of their policy and practice, and representatives from other countries discussed the issues raised by these initiatives and their transferability to their respective national contexts. When I first read the discussion papers, I had some reservations. There seemed to be a strong emphasis on structural change, specifically on policy relating to paternity leave, but less emphasis on changing attitudes and behaviour. Despite one or two notable exceptions, there was also very little focus on ‘hard’ topics such as men’s violence against women. I was also concerned about proposals for a ‘ministry of men’, or similar structures to represent men’s interests, and the risk of giving comfort to the ‘me-too-ism’ of the men’s rights lobby.

However, the actual seminar went a long way towards dispelling these anxieties. Despite the enormous variety of policies and practices across Europe – from the egalitarian welfarism of the Nordic nations, through the ‘familism’ of Italy and other southern European states, to the young democracies of the Baltic ‘accession’ countries – there was a reassuring degree of common ground, among the academics, activists and civil servants present, on many key issues.

Developing caring masculinities 

For example, there was a definite consensus in favour of the model of dedicated, non-transferable and preferably paid paternity leave, pioneered by countries like Iceland. However, it was heartening that participants concurred that the aim of encouraging fathers to take paternity leave was not simply to support women’s re-entry into the labour market, but to encourage the development of caring masculinities. There was also a shared sense that equal parental leave was as much about the rights of children to care from both of their parents, as it was about the employment rights of adults. And there were some interesting discussions on the need to influence culture as well as structure, and the complex interplay between the two.

Another key topic at the seminar was gender segregation in the workplace and the absence, which seemed to be common across the continent, of men working with children, whether in education or in welfare services. However, it was refreshing that a number of participants echoed the critical perspective on this issue that we’ve tried to articulate as part of the ‘Beyond Male Role Models’ project, cautioning that the ‘problem’ of boys can’t simply be attributed to the absence of men from the family or school, and that simply employing more men won’t necessarily improve outcomes. At the same time,  claims that men contribute something distinctive that women are unable to provide risk falling back on outworn stereotypes, and undermining the positive work of women teachers and welfare workers.

I left Helsinki feeling pleased and privileged 

There was also a great deal of agreement about ways of engaging men, and about the problems involved in doing so. There was a shared nervousness about simply focusing on ‘men’s issues’ in a way that might set them up in a competition for resources with women, or encourage a belief that men were victims of gender inequality to the same degree as women. Instead, there was agreement that the process of engaging men must happen in the context of supporting and promoting gender equality. But how to convince men that these processes were of interest and relevance to them? One way forward appeared to be persuading men that current gender relations were bad for them, too, imposing on men a limiting model of masculinity, and that more equal relationships could be good for the wellbeing both genders – for example, by giving men the opportunity to be more fully involved in the care and welfare of their children.

I left Helsinki feeling pleased and privileged to have met so many interesting and committed people doing important and innovative work, often in very challenging contexts, and also feeling cautiously optimistic about a developing consensus around the importance of engaging men, if campaigns for gender equality are to be successful. Closer to home, I also came away reassured that the issues thrown up by our work on the ‘Beyond Male Role Models’ project were finding an echo with other researchers, activists and policy-makers and that our research could make a timely contribution to this important debate.

—Picture credit: Craftivist Collective 

Martin Robb is a Senior Lecturer in the Open University’s Faculty of Health and Social Care and Principal Investigator for the ESRC-funded research project ‘Beyond Male Role Models: Gender Identities and Practices in Work with Young Men’, a collaboration between The Open University and Action for Children. He has published articles and book chapters on a wide range of topics, with a specific focus on issues of fatherhood, young masculinity and men working in childcare.

You can find him on twitter @MartinRobbOU.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Talking: The Ultimate Weapon Against a Leading Cause of Male Deaths

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Josh Rivedal lost his father and grandfather to suicide and is a passionate advocate for improving men’s mental health.

—This is article #86 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Men are willing to talk about just about anything—the size of their prostate glands, or how much Viagra they’re allowed to take—but they’re still not willing to talk about their mental health. If men want to live long, healthy and productive lives it’s absolutely crucial that the dialogue surrounding men’s mental health has to change.

I lost my father Douglas to suicide in 2009. Douglas lost his father Haakon to suicide in 1966. Each suffered from undiagnosed mental health conditions and each suffered in silence because of the stigma surrounding men talking about and getting help for mental illness.

Haakon—a Norwegian man who served in the Royal Air Force (35th Squadron as a tail gunner) in World War II—killed himself in 1966 because of the overwhelming post traumatic stress he suffered because of the war. Douglas, an American man who was chronically unhappy and abusive, may have been clinically depressed for a very long time, but my mother filing for divorce was a catalyst (not the cause) for his action in taking his own life.

There’s a relatively new case study in The Journal of Men’s Health that says that men are affected tremendously by divorce. They have higher rates of alcohol and drug abuse, depression and detach themselves from personal relationships and social support.

I nearly attempted suicide

In 2011, I had several catalysts for my own near-suicide attempt: the dissolution of a relationship with a long-term girlfriend (similar to a divorce), a lack of work, and fallout from my mother’s betrayal. I was in terrible emotional pain and unknowingly suffering from clinical depression.

My thought life took a downward spiral pretty fast. How did I get to such a dismal place in my life so quickly, just a month shy of my twenty-seventh birthday? Coming out of secondary school and high on optimism, I thought by the time I reached my mid-twenties I would have it all together. After a couple of years singing on Broadway (yes, I’m a theatre geek), I would have scored a few bit parts on Law & Order, and transitioned seamlessly from having my own television show, A-Team 2.0 as Mr. T’s long lost son, to being cast with Will Smith in the summer’s biggest blockbuster. After which, my getaway home in the South of France would be featured in Homes & Gardens, andmy face would grace the cover of The National Enquirer as Bigfoot’s not-so-secret lover. Not to mention, I’d have my perfect wife and perfect family by my side to share in my success.

But instead, I somehow only managed to perform in an assortment of small professional theatre gigs and on one embarrassing reality television show; and over the course of the previous eighteen months my father killed himself, my mother betrayed me and sued me for my father’s inheritance, and my girlfriend of six years broke up with me.

Talking doesn’t make you less of a man

This perfectly imperfect storm of calamity and crisis had ravaged my life… and I wasn’t talking about it to anyone. My silence led to crisis and poor decisions—to the extent that I was hanging out of a fourth story window.

Those men who came before me, Haakon and Douglas; each of them suffered their pain in silence too, because of stigma and I too felt that same stigma—like I’d be seen as “crazy” or “less of a man” if I talked about what I was going through.

Standing at the ledge of a fourth floor window, I realized I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to end my inner torment and emotional pain. And I needed to break the familial cycle. So I came back inside, took a risk and asked for help by calling my mother.

Over the next few months I continued to take more risks. I called old friends to tell them I needed their support. I started seeing a counselor. And no one ever told me I was crazy, stupid or a bad person. They told me they loved me and wanted to help me.

There is always hope

While recovering from clinical depression, I wanted to help youth and other men like me. So I wrote a biographical book and one-man play The Gospel According to Josh that talks in part about my father’s suicide and took it to secondary schools, universities and community centers all across the U.S., Canada, UK, and Australia. With it, I talk about the importance of mental health and various means and methods of suicide prevention. Most of my audiences were and still continue to be women. One of the things I’ve found is that most men (not just the Rivedal men) have a difficult time talking about and getting help for their mental health or if they’re feeling suicidal. There seems to be some societal pressure that says, “You’re not a true man if you don’t have it all together, all the time.”

But I have a message for men everywhere that’s simple yet profound. There’s always hope and help out there for you. As a man who has suffered from deep, dark depression—the “Black Dog” as Winston Churchill called it—I can say from personal experience that this is not a character flaw or a weakness. It doesn’t make you any less of a man. In fact, by asking for help it makes you a stronger man. It gives you a fighting chance to improve your life and become the person you want to be. Reach out to your family and friends and ask for help. Nip it in the bud before it can turn into a crisis.

* * *

If you need a bit of help and don’t know where to turn, here are list of resources for suicide prevention and mental health in the US, UK, Australia, and around the world.

Additionally, for International Men’s Day on November 19, 2014, I’m having a live Google Hangout chat on male depression, suicide, and how and where to get help with MensLine Australia in Australia (details HERE), and MenBeyond50 in the United Kingdom (details HERE). We’ll be covering a lot and you can ask questions and it’s totally free.

––Picture credit: Britt Reints

 

Josh Rivedal is a New York City based actor, author, playwright, and international public speaker on mental health and suicide prevention. He writes occasionally for the Huffington Post. He is author of the book The Gospel According to Josh and is taking in part in an online discussion about men’s mental health on international men’s Day (Wednesday 19th November 2014).

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

My 12 point plan to fight for equality for men and boys

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This article is based on a talk delivered by Mark Brooks of the The Mankind Initiative at the Second National Conference for Men and Boys in Brighton in 2012.

—This is article #85 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Everyone who works in the “men’s sector” knows there are many areas of life where men and boys face inequality—health, education, homelessness, criminal justice, suicide rates, crime and violence to name but a few.

Yet the quest to make our voice heard seems impossible at times. It is almost as if male inequality is invisible and when it is known, those with power do not little or nothing to address or recognise it.

The government’s new gender equality survey is a case in point where one gender does not seem to be included. Men’s issues were notable by their absence from the recent party political conferences where none of the fringe meetings at the three main parties tackled male-related issues – there were plenty on female related issues which is not a problem, but none on men’s issues.

There is no public voice on male victims, the political class are not interested, so we have to speak up ourselves.

But none of us should rely on others to make the case, to make a noise and create the solutions, we have to do it ourselves. This applies to all men and women who are concerned with the issues that face men and boys, for whatever reason. Those of us who men’s charities must help and encourage others to speak out.

So why is no one paying enough attention to what can we as campaigners, supporters and service providers do more?

Take three issues (of many) from cradle to the grave:

Education: Boys continue to fall way behind girls at every level of education – 8.8 percentage points behind girls at GCSE and 333,000 women applied for university places to start this month against 246,000 boys. On the latter, we can already see the outcome when it comes to the numbers entering the professions.

But who in the government or the education establishment is actually seriously talking about it or doing anything of substance and scale to tackle it?

Homelessness: No one debates or discusses homelessness as a largely male issue (Crisis say 84% of single homeless people are men), and who is providing the solution on why men are more prevalent to be homeless than women, and what are the solutions for both genders. Is Homelessness not on the agenda because it is male issue?

Suicide: The last area is suicide and we know that 77% of all suicides are male with 4,590 men committing suicide in 2012. Yet there is political silence on the issue. CALM are doing a great job at raising the issue and it is about time the government listened more. Why is not at the top of the political agenda?

So what to do? Outlined below is a brief 12 point plan – which I outlined at the National Men and Boys conference two years ago. More detail of course is needed, but it is a start and I hope to do more work on it over the next year. Much may be granny sucking eggs so forgive me, if so.

(1)           Provide and create solutions: We can’t be just ‘keyboard warriors’ and campaigners, we have to set up charities and organisations that provide services to support men and boys. To solve the need for support services ourselves. We have to campaign, complain and create. Lead by example. Don’t rely on others. The brilliant Working for Men is an example to us all.

(2)           Use of the language of the public sector: Like any institution it has its own language and codes. To get in the tent there is a need to use the language of the public sector and use it to our advantage by showing that services need to be provided for men and boys. It then becomes even more powerful. The term ‘equality’ and ‘based on need’ are such powerful tools. It is why I refer to the work we do as being equality and needs based, not rights based.

(3)           Strike the right tone: Sadly people only take in 20% of what you say, but 80% of how you say it. As someone from Sahf Eest Lahndan I understand it acutely. And tone is important – be positive, be charming and rightly be supportive of the good work that supports women and girls. Confrontation only works in certain rare circumstances.

(4)           Include women in the solutions, stories and examples: The gender of the people who advocate for men and boys should not matter, but it does. Fighting for equality, recognition and services for men and boys in a ‘sector’ that is dominated by women and is 90% focussed on women (the only focus on men is often because ‘men are the problem’) means having female voices advocating for men and boys is very powerful. It often produces a ‘double take reaction’ and even our charity manager has been questioned about why she is involved at the ManKind Initiative. Erin Pizzey, Jane Powell and Karen Woodall are brilliant examples of women advocating for men.

On the public story front, also use examples which will resonate with the sectors’ ears. As part of my domestic abuse narrative I always try to include mothers and sisters of male victims, and of course, a victim’s daughters.

(5)           Case studies: As a PR man, facts and campaign slogans are one thing but nothing brings a story or campaign to life better than real life examples. They are also brilliant for challenging those who oppose support for what you are campaigning for especially if there is a female element to the case study. If this week I get challenged about male victims I will point people to this story.

(6)           Use the laws we have: This could be a book in itself, but there are two vital pieces of legislation in the equality campaigner’s toolkit.

The first is the Equality Act 2010 which in a nutshell means that all public bodies have to end discrimination against those with protected characteristics (gender being one) and how different people will be affected by their activities. The Act helps them to deliver policies and services to meet the needs of those with protected characteristics. This means, under the Public Sector Equality Duty which forms part of this law, councils, police forces, the health service etc have to ensure they support men and boys not only in a general sense but also is a specific sense if there is a male-centric need. For example, ensuring domestic abuse services support men as well as women or the local health service runs campaigns about prostate cancer. Quote this law and the Duty at every opportunity when fighting for services and recognition.

The second piece is the Freedom of Information Act 2000 which is more of a tool to use for the above. This act means you can ask public bodies for statistics, information and research (and a whole lot more) to support your cause. We at ManKind, use it to obtain the number of male victims reporting to different police forces each year and also used it to find out who had won funding from the Home Office for male domestic abuse services – and also who didn’t win and why they didn’t.

Just on facts and FOI, the more local the information the better and do not ask for too much detail because your request can be refused for being too costly.

(7)           Do not get dragged into debates about feminism: Another chapter for another book, but there are two reasons why this important. Firstly, you are fighting for something tangible, a service or a campaign, you are not fighting against what is essentially a concept/belief system. Secondly, you will get distracted, getting taken down blind alleys and run the risk of alienating people who could and are allies. Do not be defined by other people’s belief systems, be defined by the fact that you want to support men and boys.

(8)           Support each other: Collaboration between charities supporting men in my mind is weak. It is primarily driven by the fact we are all so underfunded our focus is on survival and service provision (Refuge have recently advertised for a woman-only senior communications manager whose salary is higher than the Mankind Initiative’s annual turnover) but also some is territorial. I don’t understand the latter but we do need to collaborate. A good example is on International Men’s Day, for the second year running I have contacted men’s organisations to see if they will “lend us their logo” so we can say they support the aims of International Men’s Day – only a few have and some significant charities (who will be nameless) have not. Why?

So we need to speak to each other more, form joint campaigns/services and also provide a listening and helpful ear. We are all in it together.

(9)           Reverse the genders: This a classic tactic that must be used shamelessly and one advocated powerfully in Neil Lyndon’s seminal No More Sex War.   Reversing the genders brings out in an understandable fashion the barriers, hypocrisy and discrimination men and boys face and the need for support and services for them – boys dying because of botched circumcisions is one example. Also it can be used in a devastating affect as a campaign tool.

(10)       Keep calm, do not show frustration and do not to be provoked by men-haters: We know we feel we are pushing water uphill and there are those who want us to fail – some for ideological reasons, some because they fear funding being switched and some simply because they don’t like men. Rise above it.

(11)       Never advocate for funding to be cut from women’s services and given to men: This if from a moral and practical perspective. If we believe in equality of support for those in need which is why we are campaigners and service providers, then morally because women do have problems to fix, we shouldn’t want to see funding switched. If you advocate that position, then no matter what you say, no one will be listening and rightly so. It is also always worth setting that context for this upfront – it clears the air and sets a reassuring framework for you to work within.

(12)       Do not sell out – for money, influence or anything: So you get the government or state funding, you start to grow your services, you get comfortable and then an issue breaks or you see that something is not working. Your natural instinct is to speak out on behalf of your beneficiaries but you know it may damage your relationship with your funders. If you hesitate, blink or stay silent – you have sold out. Don’t!

—Picture credit: belljar

Mark Brooks is Chair of The ManKind Initiative, a charity that helps and advocates for male victims of domestic violence. Follow them on twitter @ManKindInit.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

It’s thanks to women and girls I’m able to help male rape survivors

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Duncan Craig is CEO of Survivors Manchester, explains how he has been helping pushing the needs of male victims of rape and sexual abuse up the political agenda.

—This is article #84 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

In late 2013, The Ministry of Justice announced a £4 million Rape Support fund that enabled voluntary sector organisations to apply for a share of the fund to support the delivery of their services.

Great news!

Well yes, absolutely if you run an organisation supporting women and girls but not so great if you’re organisation only supports boys and men.

You see, the £4million Rape Support fund excluded organisations only supporting boys and men from applying. Not only did this prevent organisations such as Survivors Manchester, Mankind and Survivors UK from accessing much needed funds to continue to run our services, but it sent a clear message out to the public at large… “if you’re a male rape victim, we don’t recognise you”.

As the CEO of an organisation that supports male survivors of sexual abuse, rape and sexual exploitation, it was a message that was far too seriously wrong to go unchallenged. And so began our lobbying campaign. We took to social media; wrote letters to MPs, colleagues, and organisations in the field of sexual violation asking for support; and challenged the Ministry of Justice’s decision.

Seriously, what about the men and boys…..?

But in undertaking this lobbying campaign, I began to wonder… “why do I still have to make these stances? when will the discussion not have to end in ‘oh and boys and men too’”

Whilst all the lobbying activity, discussions and meetings resulted in fantastic win – a £1.3million ‘Male Rape Support fund’ that would be spread over two financial years; I soon realised that the real challenge is not about fighting for a small pot of money, but how to move the discussion on to a point where we can talk about victims of sexual violence without alienating anyone, male or female.

In looking at how to make the challenge to the Ministry of Justice, I turned to the Rape Crisis England and Wales website and began looking at what they had done over the 41 years they have been around.

How to make change happen

They have campaigned tirelessly to end the sexual violence committed against women and girls and helped thousands of service users to get the help they deserve. I’m so grateful to them for what they have done; for the sheer effort and determination they have made to ensure that the needs of women, who have experienced the abhorrent acts of violation that occur in sexual abuse and rape, are not ignored. I am grateful to them for continuing to keep the issue of sexual violation on the agenda and for always responding to the injustices in this arena.

However, I’m most grateful for showing me how to apply pressure in the right areas to make a change for those that you want to support the most – victims of sexual abuse and rape.

But don’t be confused here between specialist organisations that support a single gender or community and those that should be looking after us all and only look one way.

We don’t need to apologise for helping men and boys

Whilst Rape Crisis England and Wales focus on female victims, they acknowledge boys and men also experience rape and sexual violence and that the impacts on their lives can be similarly devastating and long-lasting, and they don’t need to apologise for their focus. Equally, organisations such as my own, Mankind or Survivors UK, shouldn’t need to apologise for focusing on boys and men.

But those charged with looking after the health, well being and safety of the general public have a duty to ensure that they don’t just look one way or the other! They have a legal and moral duty to ensure that whether a victim is male or female, boy or girl, man or woman… they should have equal access to support to help heal and recover from the trauma they experienced.

So why do we apologise? Why do those of us that provide gender specific support feel the need to apologise? and why don’t we stand together?

I think the answer is simple.

The passion and desire that we all have to help those we designed our organisations around, set against a difficult political climate and an even more difficult and tight funding environment has resulted in silo working. But the future needs to change if we are to thrive and early signs on the horizon look promising.

The newly formed male survivors’ alliance, although in its infancy, is already looking at the lessons we can learn from the women’s movement, and our early discussion with our female counterparts are exciting and give hope to a new movement, one where males and females stand proudly together with the aim of making central government and policy and decision makers listen to the voices of survivors.

So thank you to those women that paved the way. Never think that in our efforts to have the voices of male survivors heard that we are trying to silence you.

Lets stand together to ensure that all survivors get the help they deserve, regardless of gender.

—Picture credit: Sniper Girl

Duncan Craig is CEO of Survivors Manchester, you can find him on twitter @SurvivorsMcr 

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

We need to change our minds about young fathers

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Seany O’Kane explains why he’s a champion for young fathers

—This is article #83 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Time and time again when the subject of ‘young fathers’ is written about in the UK press, it’s not surprising to see words used such as  ‘feckless’, ‘irresponsible’ or ‘absent’ to describe them. Scandalous headlines often conjured up by reporters who have a total disregard for how complex the lives of young dads are, in some cases, a teenager embarking upon parenthood with no knowledge of what it means to be a man, never mind be a dad.

If anything the use of the word ‘absent’ when discussing young fathers should be aptly described when discussing just how much lack of support exists for them.

As a specialist fatherhood practitioner, I dedicate my time to bettering the lives of young men who require such support in relation to their parenting. Several years ago my organisation wanted to bridge a gap that existed within children and young people’s services particularly in South London, a gap that failed to address the needs of fathers in social care, specifically younger fathers from much more disenfranchised backgrounds.

Mums get better services than dads 

Services to help these young men were much less limited than those in place to help young mothers and what was hugely evident was when dads received support in the run-up to becoming a parent, they were more likely to be a prominent figure in their child’s life. Therefore minimising the socio-economical risk factors often associated with children growing up without a father present.

The work I carry out ensures that young fathers are provided with a tailored service, helping to address their parenting needs but even before I am able to get a young expectant dad to grasp his role in relation to fatherhood; it may be that he has other presenting factors that hinder his ability to appropriately safeguard his child.

For example, I have to assess each young father or expectants level of need and work with them to achieve their parental goals, but when dealing with challenges such as gang involvement, homelessness, domestic abuse and drug misuse to name but a few, it certainly makes the role of a fatherhood practitioner much more intricate.

One of the biggest obstacles I am likely to encounter throughout this area of work is not the engaging of the young men themselves in the service (if anything it is their sheer determination to want to have a relationship with their child that contributes to achieving outcomes in a much quicker timescale), but the difficulties that I face when working with external health and social care professionals to make changes to their practice.

Dads are part of the solution

Time and time again I witness young fathers whose children are part of a social care plan and yet they have not been asked to attend any child protection meetings arranged by social services to determine the outcome for their child. Young men in situations like this are left completely out of the picture suggesting that the local authority must view young fathers to be part of the overall ‘problem’ within social care.

Yet I know that when a dad is considered in the future of his child’s life, if he is part of a child protection plan and he himself is offered the right support to make changes for the better, his involvement can actually become a major part of the solution in the deciding factor of the child’s future.

The same can be said for young expectant fathers who are completely left out of antenatal care. I have assisted hundreds of young men who have expressed that they have never met their family midwife or ever received contact from her (in 2012 there were 132 practicing male midwives out of 20,000 registered in the UK).

Dads want to be involved 

Despite this unsettling information, the one other thing that all these young men had in common was that they ‘did’ want to be included, that they wanted to be acknowledged as the equal parent and that they just wanted to be validated in some way by the health professionals who were in place to ensure their unborn baby was properly cared for.

It’s not uncommon for a midwife to carry out a home visit to a young couple’s home and for the young man to feel that he isn’t being included, that the midwife will focus all their attention towards mother and the unborn baby not even enquiring how he might be feeling or exploring what support he might benefit from. It’s common for young couples to undergo difficulties in their relationship following the birth of a baby often resulting in separation.

If the young man feels excluded as an equal parent right from the beginning and if he is being prevented from having contact with his child by the mother, the option to ‘walk away’ may appear to be in his best interests when in reality, given the chance he would like nothing more than to be there for his child, this applies to young dads I have assisted regardless of whether they are aged 14 or 25.

So what needs to change?

There needs to be a real cultural shift in the way health and social care throughout the UK considers the role of a young father in the lives of their children and to ensure that the appropriate education is offered to students training to become midwives, social workers, health visitors etc. so that they have a genuine understanding for father-inclusive practice.

The end result will mean more confident health practitioners and more young fathers feeling included and equal in their child’s lives regardless of whether or not they are in a relationship with the child’s mother. This will result in less children being separated from their fathers and contributing to overall healthy child development. Happier healthier children will mean a much happier healthier society for all of us. After all isn’t that what we all want?

—Picture credit:David Amsler

Seany O’ Kane is fatherhood practitioner at the St Michael’s Fellowship.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

I’d rather be a lover than a warrior

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The poet Shaky Shergill has been thinking about masculine archetypes and has come to the conclusion that he’d like to be a little less warrior, a little more lover. 

—This is article #82 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Recently in a men’s group that I’m part of talk turned to warrior energy and connecting with a man’s inner warrior. Of all the archetypes (forms used to describe parts of the unconscious) prevalent in the masculine psyche one of the most common is that of the warrior.

The warrior archetype represents many things to many men. The most common of these are; loyalty, decisiveness, and discipline. At times it feels as if it’s easiest for many men to access the warrior archetype because that’s the way that society expects and wants them to be. Warriors, those who use their focus and determination to protect themselves and what’s theirs.

As much as I admire these traits and the men who can access them readily I can’t help feeling a longing for the masculine archetype that I relate to most closely being seen and recognised. This is the archetype of the lover; where the warrior is about doing, the lover is about being and connecting, where the warrior is decisive and disciplined the lover is boundless and organic.

Connecting to the love archetype 

For me the lover archetype is all about connection. This connection can be with myself or the rest of creation. The lover’s longing is manifested in the need to accept and bond with everyone and everything. The lover can be like Rumi or Hafez longing for blissful union with the beloved or seeing everything as the beloved.

This union can be with something; natural, manmade or ephemeral. I believe some of the most inspirational and beautiful love poetry has been as a result of this longing for union.

It feels as if what is important for the lover is the desire to connect even if that connection is only felt through a longing for what is desired, the beloved. The lover works very much in the realm of the sense. S/he; feels, sees, caresses whereas the warrior considers, assesses and touches.

Men want to save the world 

In some ways the lover has an energy that may seem foreign to many men. The warrior’s decisiveness and discipline speaks to us as men who want to act and do. We want to change the world, save the beauty and generally be an all-round hero.

However the passivity of the lover and his desire to do nothing but wait, long for and yearn can feel unusual. Perhaps it’s because in most cases as boys were not taught to sit and wait, even in childhood our games involve running, jumping and chasing with those coming last deemed to be less worthy.

I wonder if those men who connect more strongly with the lover archetype do so because of those childhood experiences or have those experiences in childhood because they connect with the lover archetype. Either way a man is born who longs to connect, to share and be.

At times this longing doesn’t feel welcome in the modern world. A world where we are taught to see divisions and differences rather than similarities.In a world where wants and desires can be fulfilled almost instantaneously the lover’s longing seems to be both alien and self-indulgent.

However I believe that we are as much a part of this world as anyone else because we love it and want to be loved by it in all its forms.

—Picture credit: The Pug Father 

Shaky Shergill’s writings can be found at the his website, The Warrior Poet.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

How can I be proud to be a man, when our public image is so negative?

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According to the dominant media stereotype, men are either inadequate, violent or both, says Steve Garrett. So how do we go about feeling proud to be a man?

—This is article #81 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

Last night I watched an excellent French film (Deux Jours, Une Nuit) that focussed on the struggle of the central character, a young mother of two, with depression and self-confidence.

Her husband was in a supporting role and as the film progressed, and her behaviour became more challenging (including telling him he couldn’t really love her and would leave her, after he’d just spent two weeks pretty much taking care of her and the family), I found myself waiting for the seemingly inevitable moment when, conforming to the predominant media stereotype of men as inadequate, violent, or both, he would either desert her, hit her, hit the kids, have an affair, start drinking – not because this is how I believe most men would behave, but because that’s how I’ve become used to seeing us portrayed.

I was just waiting for that inner wincing as the male character is represented playing down yet again to one of the limited stereotypes: heroic but dumb; sensitive but useless; strong but hyper violent; ordinary but boring; rich but sadistic; handsome but narcissistic; talented but unreliable etc.

To my amazement and relief, her husband stood by her, admittedly not without frustration at times – but this was a realistic film not a fantasy. He kept his belief in her through the hard times, and was ultimately rewarded by the solid love of a recovered and empowered woman who fully appreciated what a ‘real man ‘he had been.

Proud to be a man

I was proud of him, and proud to be a man who hopefully could behave somewhat like him under similar circumstances, although I suspect I might well have fallen short. It felt good for once to have a positive male role model I could believe in and admire.

In contrast, the men on the streets of New York caught on film in the recent viral You Tube video ‘cat calling’ a women as she walked through the downtown reminded me more than anything of naughty boys shouting out insults to irritate grown ups who they knew would never catch them.

How sad that the men in this video didn’t have more respect for themselves, never mind respect for the women they were shouting at, or in some cases stalking. I know that, even though it happens to most women when they are in public, it is still only a small proportion of men who are so desperate for female attention that they will resort to accosting a stranger in the street, and I do actually feel some sympathy for those men if they really can’t find a more mutually rewarding way to connect with the opposite sex.

I also understand why it’s more than an annoyance, like avoiding potholes in the pavement, for the women who have to put up with this kind of unwanted attention, because those shouts express certain culturally prevalent male attitudes and feelings in relation to women that can (and self evidently sometimes do) turn into the kind of attack that some men may need to make in order to reassure themselves that they are in fact ‘real men’

(Btw it’s hilarious to see how some men respond when the catcalling tables are turned, as has been done to great effect in several recent videos clips; in particular, a group of ‘female construction workers’ are fabulously creative with their filthy innuendos, and the blokes they’re ‘harassing’ don’t know where to put themselves).

http://youtu.be/iW6IKb8pIfU

What has any of this got to do with how I feel about myself as a man in 2014?

I guess it’s all confirmation that, that as fully fledged members of the human race (despite what some of the more strident critics of our gender would like to proclaim) we inevitably have a mix of the good, bad and the indifferent in our midst, so that any type of male behaviour we or anyone else goes looking for can be found.

The ony thing we can do, is live out the model of manhood which is true to what we feel and hold important, stop being concerned with whether or not that conforms to culturally sanctioned ideas of ‘manliness’, and confront and challenge negative generalisations or attitudes about ‘what men are like it’ whenever and wherever we encounter them.

That way, little by little, we will remind ourselves that we are worthy of respect, and reassure the women and children we share the world with that they can mostly trust us to behave supportively towards them and to do what we can to change the attitudes of that minority of men who might pose a threat to them. (This, by the way, is what I call FeMANism)

—Picture credit: FaceMePLS

Steve Garrett runs the website FeMANism (for men passionate about equality).

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

How does a Christian man engage with a feminist campaign on male violence?

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I am writing this in Delhi as the Second Global Symposium for engaging men and boys in gender justice is drawing to a close.  It has not been an easy place to be a Christian.

The church is most-often spoken of in the context of fundamentalism, patriarchy and oppression – an apparent enemy of women’s rights and unconcerned with the struggles of a movement seeking justice in a world where so many are subject to violence and oppression as a result of their gender or sexuality.

— This is article #80 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

The brutal Delhi rape of December 2012 raised the profile of sexual violence around the world. Being in India also brings into perspective the cradle to grave nature of violence against women. This ranges from sex selective abortion which has left a huge deficit of girl children in India, through forced and early marriage, domestic abuse (reckoned to affect 35% of women here), rape, sexual abuse and routine sexual harassment through to abuse of widows.  This is the local Indian manifestation of the global epidemic of violence against women which takes different forms in different countries, but is truly universal.

This group of committed activists seeking to address gender justice, including violence against women, has little time for the church.  They are critical of the way in which society in general, and religion in particular, is active or complicit in gender-based violence, and persecutes those who do not conform to its social norms.  There are tensions here between different groups around the role of men and the feminist responses to men’s engagement in this work, but overall there is an impressive consensus about the task to be addressed and the importance of men and women working together.  A good place for us to start is reading the “Delhi Call to Action”  and reflecting on how we might respond.

Gender, caste and identity

Several of the discussions have been about moving beyond the “gender binary” of male and female. In India, transgender women have a prominent public role at social events and on the streets.  I listened for the first time to a transgender man speak about the personal nature of his struggle for identity, and about the extent to which prevailing social norms and debates left him excluded and marginalised.  His convincing analysis, combined with his personal story of experiencing violence, stands alongside other abuse such as the “corrective rape” of lesbians in South Africa and the multiple sufferings of women, poor and lower class/caste communities and sexual minorities.  Where does the church stand on these issues?  For the most part we are silent and distant.

A second overarching theme was the need to recognise the multiple dimensions of power and oppression.  Being in India, this inevitably focused heavily on caste and the appalling sufferings of Dalit women and men. Gender is only one, albeit important, dimension of this.  Privilege is generally invisible to those that enjoy it.  What do we see when we look in the mirror?

Michael Kimmel, an American academic, who is also white, male, middle class and heterosexual, said, half-jokingly, that in the mirror he sees a human being.  He was acknowledging that gender, class, sexuality and race all risk being invisible to him and other men, such as me, in the same situation.  Others would answer the question of what they see in the mirror very differently.  What do you see and how aware are you of the different dimensions of privilege that you enjoy?

A Christian presence

There was a small but positive Christian presence here. Restored members SALT, Tearfund and UMN were all represented. Prabu Deepan highlighted Tearfund’s great work with church leaders addressing masculinities in the Great Lakes region of Africa.   Veena O’Sullivan, also from Tearfund, has helped to pioneer work with survivors in South Africa. Through the We Will Speak Out  coalition  of which Restored is a member, she has forged close links with Sonke Gender Justice, one of the leaders of the MenEngage alliance that organised the conference.  Sonke has over 200 staff with a large contingent here in Delhi.  Many of the staff are Christians and the organisation is developing its work across ten African countries and developing its “One Man Can” campaign to have more explicitly Christian content for use in church communities.

At two satellite meetings and one session in the main programme there was a chance to talk about the positive dimensions of faith and working with faith leaders.  I was able to speak about First Man Standing at the We Will Speak Out session.   There was recognition of the influence of faith and positive stories from Sonke, Tearfund and Norwegian Church Aid who have had an interesting project working primarily with Muslim leaders in Pakistan to address issues of female inheritance and forced marriage.

And Jesus is here.  The example of Jesus, unlike that of the church, is generally held in high esteem for his love and commitment to the poor and marginalised, and his respect for both women and men.  I continue to believe that the love, positive relationships and the giving up of power that lie at the heart of the gospel are very much part of the answer.  What is needed is for each of us, and for the church as a whole, to live this out.  For most of this dialogue the church is not at the table. My overwhelming sense is of the distance that we have to travel to be engaged in these debates and to stand alongside those who are both suffering and standing for justice.  Our language and our attitudes need to change.  We need to repent of so much, and we need to be willing to listen in humility before we speak.

Peter Grant is Co-Director of Restored and this article first appeared at the Restored website. You can follow the charity on Twitter @Rest0red

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com.