insideMAN

We need to unlock dads’ potential to help kids read

by 1 Comment

If we don’t take action to involved fathers, they end up being passively excluded from their children’s lives

—This is article #79 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

I am lucky to be a Labour Co Op Councillor, and lead member for children, as father of three and step dad of four, it perhaps is no surprise I am immersed in Children’s Services. I see fatherhood as an issue politicians need to start talking about; to be fair David Lammy MP has led with that.

I have never quite understood why the involvement of fathers in early reading is so patchy. What I do know is that fathers represent a huge untapped resource to help many children read and learn to love books. When my son was at Primary school, we were encouraged two mornings a week to come in for 15 minutes of ‘paired reading’. Simple stuff but being invited in and seeing other Dads there was important. It was fun.

Male carers

He is on his way to being a Doctor now. You never forget those great books Colin McNaughton’s books still resonate for me. Roald Dahl’s gory stories too. We found something as a group of Dads that became fun, and from what I’ve read, that makes for dads who then get far more involved with books and children, share the reading and get the fun out of books when there are a huge range of other, quite distracting media.

There is a lot of debate about how we can increase literacy levels, with initiatives working across Bradford like the new National Literacy Trust Hub.

Also we have the Dolly Parton Inspired Canterbury Imagination Library in Bradford so books will be in the home for free. Charities such as Reading Matters also use voluntary reading mentors many of whom are men.

As well as working with the 10 or more lone father households, we are trying to target the role of male carers, especially dads, to boost reading in families and communities. So we have three children’s centres targeting male carers in a variety of ways. With the support of Bradford Bulls, Yorkshire Cricket and Bradford City, we are trying to target fathers to make a real difference.

‘Fathers Reading Every Day’

I am passionate about this. Years of work in the family courts and case work as a councillor confirms to me that there has been a sort of passive exclusion of fathers from early education involvement , as well as men just not getting down on that mat and pulling out a funny book and being ready to laugh and be laughed at.

Research though shows us that Dads really do matter here, even if we are there at weekends or have shared care of our kids, oh and do not forget the step dads, step granddads etc. We have found there is a need to target work with more disadvantaged kids , in fact research from the Fatherhood Institute programme called ‘Fathers Reading Every Day’ in south London showed improvements beyond expectations , 42% of children made greater progress than expected compared to 115 of those who did not take part.

This brings us on to look at the role we Dads play in the development of children, especially the most disadvantaged and how working with fathers is a key policy area to focus on if we are to transform the prospects for many girls and boys. Active fathers really matter, they really do. Kids get higher IQ’s, better cognitive competence, problem solving skills , fewer behavioural problems in schools , better attachment to the father, are better able to cope with stress, and a lot more (see Williams and Steinberg).

But to get very practical, we are looking at unlocking the potential that is out there. A father’s reading habits and involvement are key. However, not every child is a keen reader, and not every father finds it easy, so we need to talk about it and get educators and early years practitioners to constantly look for Dads’ involvement and support it. The evidence is compelling about a positive relationship between children’s literacy skills and that of their fathers.

If we add to this the significance of the secure and beneficial relationship of a child with the father, including the fathers who do not live with their children all the time, then we can see the dad factor is key in opening up horizons. But many men have not had a great start themselves, and patterns need to be changed, which is why getting in early is so important. So the Literacy Hub in Bradford is going to work with volunteer male carers and train them up with literacy support programmes working with the home.

It’s not a do it somewhere else thing. Moreover, it has to be fun. We need to celebrate this stuff. It is another reason to have men in early year’s settings as well.

Ralph Berry, Labour Councillor, Wibsey Ward, Bradford. See his website here and follow him on Twitter @CllrRalphBerry

—Picture credit: Flickr/Kelly Sikkema

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

“My daughter’s first word was filled with so much strength”

by Leave a Comment

Do you remember your first word? Me neither. And It’s probably for the best, given the main form of vocabulary I use on a daily basis feature some very choice and colourful language.

Ok, how about this. Your child’s first word.

— This is article #78 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

My daughter’s first clear and distinctive word was one that would consume, cultivate and define everything about me from the very moment it left the mouth of this miniture, somewhat scary impersonation of myself.

Dad. She called me Dad.

In fact, to quote her – “Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad…” and so on, and so forth, until she burped in my face, then fell asleep.

But it was in this brief moment of pure joy, that I realised something. For the first time, I had made a distinct, lasting impression on a little, tiny human being. So much so, that in those few moments, I was everything to her. She called me Dad.

‘My fondest memory of that man was probably the times in his slumber’

But what does that term even mean?

Recently, I had some time to reflect upon my own feelings on that term “Dad”. I tried with vain, to imagine if there was ever a time that I felt the same way about my own father. I didn’t, but hey-ho, we all have our own demons!

I remember vividly, the times growing up in school. You remember, when your best friends, and your worst enemies, would regale and embellish on their own Dads. How awesome they were. The jobs they held. The times they would spend together, as a family. I had very little to offer:

“My Dad doesn’t work. He sits on his arse, asleep a lot. If he’s not on his arse, asleep, he’s lying on the floor, asleep.”

My fondest memory of that man was probably the times in his slumber, when he’d fart. At least he could make me laugh on occasion, even if it was unconscious.

Everyone enjoys the sonic vibrations of a good fart now and then. It wasn’t until I was much older, wiser, and able to blow my own trumpet to the point that it would sound, at times, like a full marching band was playing in my front room, that aside from the occasion to laugh at his flatulence, he had contributed so very little to my upbringing. And to my family as a whole.

Magical moment

It was those memories that shaped me to the man I am today. And to fight with every ounce, and to make a pledge to myself each morning, to never become the disappointment my father was. A decision made all too easy to uphold, by simply remembering back to that magical moment, when my own offspring called ME Dad.

She entrusted me with that role. She inspired me with that word. She made me laugh when she burped.

I wanted nothing more, in that moment, than to try harder. To make something of myself, for my family. I worked in a builder’s merchant. And had very little to my name. I was always low of energy, but always had time and energy for her.

And then my employment ended.

I had been built up, in my own mind, to be a pillar of support for my family. The strength, foundation. I was the main bread-winner then, and here I am now, with no bread.

That little voice of hope

Mmmmmm….bread.

My daughter’s first word was filled with so much strength, and built on so much foundation. It was the word that drove me forward each day. That gave me the want to come home, and hear that word spoken again and again from that little voice of hope in my life.

If I could use one word to describe the person to me, who should have earnt that word, it would be failure. I can’t imagine a time where my own sprogg would use that word to describe me. And yet, dear reader, here I sit. Hopelessly waiting for a reply, a confirmation, anything from the outside world, in a desperate bid to reassure myself that I am not a failure. An opportunity, to build up from the ground. To start again and never show weakness. To never give up, to become that pillar again.

Dad is a fighter. Dad is there for his family. Dad doesn’t give up. Dad perseveres.

Dad usually doesn’t get so deep. Dad usually finds humour, even in the face of adversity.

That’s what a Dad should be.

Dad just farted. Apologies.

—Picture credit:

When he’s not reflecting on the hardships of being a dad, Ant McEwan can be found writing adult-humour based satire on his blog “The Ant McEwan Report”. http://antmcewanreport.blogspot.co.uk/

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

How to give “the talk” to your daughter’s boyfriends

by 3 Comments

So what should dads say to the boys who want to date their daughter? Carl Beech of CVM has some experience he wants to share….

—This is article #77 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

A lot of men have asked me to write down my thoughts on the approach I take to my teenage girls discovery of “boys”. So here it is. My guide to handling your daughter’s boyfriend without needing to get a shotgun license…

In the build up to facing what is every Dad’s worst nightmare, I asked a few people I knew what they had done when a testosterone laden, hormonally driven, sex crazed teenage boy turned up on the doorstep to take their daughter out.

(Note to any women reading this:- no this isn’t a stereotype and I’m not being shallow or over the top. I was a teenage lad once. I know what was on my mind and it wasn’t a game of charades or shopping).

Mostly people told me that they wanted to try and be the teenage boys friend. FRIEND?!?! WHAT?!?! I don’t want to be his friend. I want to be inside his head with a sense of Godly unpredictable menace. I want him to think of me when his hormones are telling him to do things that he really shouldn’t be doing. I also want him to think about things other than sex. Such as being caring, tender, honoring and respectful. So, as with all good Dad skills, I decided to head off “tango one” at the pass.

(Tango one being the code word for any boyfriend. For those that don’t know what Im on about, its a NATO style designation for a target).

Firstly, I sat down with both my girls and said the following:-

“I know you are interested in boys but I want to say something now because I love you very much and my job is to protect you and care for you…even if that means you don’t always like what I say. In fact, because I love you, I’m prepared to say and do things that wont always make me popular with you, but one day you’ll understand. If theres a boy you want to go out with, I just want you to ask yourself a few questions:-”

1) Will he treat you better than I treat you? (tip here is to set an impossibly high and expensive standard.

2) Will he put you first and think of you when you are out with friends.

3) Will he draw you closer to Jesus (My girls are believers)

4)  I want to have a pep talk with him that will stay between me and him unless he tells you what I said.

My girls thought this was awesome. Yes really! In fact, my wife Karen said that the girls felt loved and secure because of this chat. Daughters need to know that their Dads care and are involved.

So, the big question is, what do I say to Tango 1? Well. here it is:-

“Tango 1, thanks for coming for a chat. I just wanted you to know how precious my daughter is to me… I mean she is really precious and I love her more than I can explain to you. So with that in mind (and please keep that in mind) heres some things that I wanted to say to you;

When you go out, please treat my daughter with respect. Please honour her and put her first. Make sure she is happy and safe.

Please don’t get her to do anything she isn’t happy with..and if she says no to something…please bear in mind that she should only need to say that once and Ive asked her to tell me if you don’t listen to her or upset her because its my job to make sure she is safe and happy and I take that job more seriously than nearly everything else in my life.

Honour and respect are really important values in our family…so if I say my daughter has to be home at 6pm, what time does she need to be home? (Note that 6pm is the right answer technically speaking but the wrong answer from a Dad perspective. 5.55pm is the right answer as this means he is being wise and respecting the time request).

Oh and theres one last thing. Please don’t put your hands anywhere on my daughter where I wouldn’t place my hands. Thanks”.

So whats been the result? When theres been an issue we talk about it. My daughters boyfriend has popped round for a chat when we’ve been unhappy about something. The air is kept clear and my daughters feel safe and we all get on great. So far so good. But if it all goes wrong, they know they can talk to me because I wont and don’t go off the deep end. The boundaries are set but the dialogue is ongoing and constant.

All the best fellas… its a tough gig.

—Picture credit: istolethetv

Carl Beech heads up Christian Vision for Men (CVM), an international evangelistic men’s movement which you can find on twitter @cvmen. You can also find Carl on twitter @carlfbeech.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Seven things blokes can do to make the world a better place for everyone

by 1 Comment

“There are essentially just two things that need to change to make this a better world for men and boys,” says David Wilkins of the Men’s Health Forum. “The first is The World. And the second is er . . . men and boys”.

—This is article #76 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

I’m often asked to write about how the world (well, the UK) might change, especially in relation to men’s mental and physical health, and the organisation for which I work has been campaigning on the issues for many years. It’s crucial that the UK should change culturally and politically in some of its attitudes and policies towards men.

This though, is my list for blokes – including myself. It’s subjectively espressed but it is pretty much based on evidence, not on personal whim. It reflects the large number of debates and discussions I’ve been in over the years and the range of opinion that I’ve often heard expressed by men and women. Not everything applies to everyone and it’s not perfect or complete – but here it is.

Let’s us blokes:

1. Look after our health. It’s our responsibility and it’s not just for reasons of self preservation. There are people out there who love us and depend on us. They don’t want us dead before we even draw our pensions for God’s sake.

2. Allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Get help when we need it. Give up trying just to escape our problems – it doesn’t work.

3. Look out for our male friends. Allow them to be vulnerable. Stop taking the piss. Refuse to collude with their escape plans.

4. Value education. Encourage our sons to learn, and engage with them in their learning. Demand better for boys at school. The UK is not doing anywhere near well enough with our boys – and it’s not just the fault of schools.

5. Avoid getting sucked into working long hours for no extra pay. Our grandads and great grandads and all the generations since the Industrial Revolution fought like billy-o for our rights at work. Giving half our lives away for nothing is letting them down. Long hours stop us looking after ourselves and being with those we love.

6. Prioritise spending time with our kids. Be the one who takes them to the doctor or picks them up from school. Allow our sons to be vulnerable, as well as helping them to be strong. Both sexes – but boys especially – do better where fathers are actively involved in nurture and care.

7. Avoid buying into the bollocks that says that “feminism” is to blame for everything that’s a problem for men. It is absolutely right that we should support women to make a better and more equal world. We can work for solutions to problems that disadvantage men without negating women’s rights. It’s not Man United v Liverpool.

—Picture credit: RCB

David Wilkins is policy officer at the charity the Men’s Health Forum.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Why I’m fighting a charity that supports female domestic violence victims

by 1 Comment

Why would a man who wants to end violence end up fighting with a charity that helps female victims of domestic violence?

—This is article #75 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

I’ve been fighting for male victims of domestic violence in Wales to be given equal treatment by the state for around seven years. As a result, one of the organisations I cross swords with in on a regular basis is Welsh Women’s Aid (WWA), a charity which has been supporting the introduction of a new bill that seeks to help women and girls in Wales, to the exclusion of men and boys.

As part of this work I co-ordinated an online petition which recently prompted WWA to send me an official letter, outlining their response to my campaign. The first thing I noticed was that the letter heading for WWA states very clearly “ putting women and children first”.

This raised a question for me “who comes second?”. One answer is boys who, unlike girls, are excluded by WWA from refuges for victims of domestic violence from quite a younger age. WWA’s letter also carried the statement and logo “ children matter” and yet they makes no reference to keeping girls and boys safe from all forms of domestic violence, including abuse by their own mothers.

WWA frequently mentions the number of women killed by their partner each year but not the 60 to 70 children who are killed each year by their parents. Surely this shocking fact in connection with domestic violence should be clearly recognised by those proclaiming that “ children matter”!

WWA also fails to address the human suffering and distress caused by domestic violence against women ins same-sex relationships. Surely this would be a priority in “ putting women first”?

Suicide amongst men is a major issue in Wales. Recent research has shown that men kill themselves after suffering domestic violence and that this could bring the number of deaths attributable to domestic violence to something like equality between men and women.

I believe that the shaming of men is contributing to these grim statistics and the WWA approach—i.e. “men second”—can only be making matters worse. I also wonder what impact the concept of “men second” may have on young Welsh boys and how young girls may feel about what is, or is not, it is an acceptable way to relate to boys.

Research by Dr Erica Bowen at Coventry University has found that it is seen to be OK to hit boys because “he probably deserves it”.

In a recent paper called “women more aggressive to partners than men”, given to the British Psychological Society, Dr Elizabeth Bates from the University of Cumbria said her research found that:

 “ … women engaged in significantly higher levels of controlling behaviour than men …. This study found that women demonstrated a desire to control their partners and were more likely to use physical aggression than men … Thissuggests that [domestic abuse] may not be motivated by patriarchal values and needs to be studied within the context of other forms of aggression, which has potential implications for interventions …”

Patriarchy theory 

I find it somewhat troubling that the current policy of the Welsh government continues to be based on the neo-Marxist “patriarchal” theory, which is increasingly inappropriate to new legislation looking forward into the 21st century in Wales.

Solid, evidence based research and practice that protects children and subsequent generations from all sources of domestic abuse (including violent women) must be the central principle that guides government policy and new legislation in Wales moving forward into the 21st century.

In my view, the neo-Marxist “patriarchal” theory continues to dominate the Welsh Government’s thinking as it has not undertaken to treat all victims (both men and women) “equally” in accordance with the Equality Act 2010.

Dr Amanda Robinson, who is the lead author of the report which informed the drafting of the Welsh Bill defines the neo-Marxist theory of domestic abuse as follows:

“The gender paradigm of [domestic abuse] argues that domestic violence is a result of patriarchal social systems where men are exclusively the batterers and females are exclusively the victims of male dominance and privilege.”

Neo-Marxist sexism 

“This Neo-Marxian model posits the masculine (bourgeoisie) as occupying the upper rungs of privilege, authority, and power over the feminine (proletariat).

“Thus, domestic violence is the physical manifestation of his social dominance as it is forcibly imposed on her submissive feminine body. Conversely, female violence is initiated reactively, purely as a form of self-defence.”

In my view, female instigators of, and active participants in, domestic abuse in Wales must be recognised equally and correspondingly with male victims in order to formulate interventions that help break the generational cycle of learned dysfunctional and abusive behaviours that perpetuates domestic violence.

Violent women and male victims must not be ignored or marginalised in the formulation of new legislation in the 21st century in Wales because of blind, radicalised dogma and Marxist theories that date back to 50 to 150 years ago.

It is time for us to take a new approach.

—Picture credit: DFAT

Tony Stott campaigns for men in Wales as “Healing Men”.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

My wife married a ni**er!

by Leave a Comment

Kenny D’Cruz shares how his honeymoon took an unexpected turn when he was racially abused in front of his new wife.

—This is article #74 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

“Did I call you a liar? At least I’m not a ni**er and I work for a living!” was my Italian wife’s first real racist ‘attack’, behind my back, from the car rental man in a deserted Santorini Airport as we arrived around midnight for our honeymoon.

Here’s what I learned from this:

1. I will not allow my wife to be abused, threatened or insulted. As a child I allowed racial abuse to cut me, break my spirit, embarrass me – and I let it go. I was told that ‘if the people of the town that we had moved to (as Goan, Ugandan refugees) didn’t like us, then we’d have to move and we have no where else to go’. So best turn the other cheek like a good Catholic boy and understand their need to try out some of the hilarious racist material that was commonplace in ‘70s media; and that those who felt that they were the lowest in society might need somewhere to pass on the abuse and feel better about themselves.

2. I can’t truly protect my wife, or anyone else from abuse, pain, fear, the things that I don’t wish them to feel. I’m an old-fashioned man who likes to protect and provide. I’m a modern-day man who shows up with an open heart. I cried in the bathroom as my wife slept in our honeymoon bed, realising that I’d married her into a life of racism and potential danger. I don’t bottle things up as much as I used to, I now have more space for love.

3. I will stand up for my wife, my self and what I believe is right, meeting what I believe needs changing head-on. Neither my wife or I were brought up in families who quite knew how to stand up for ourselves and it has cost us all dearly. This is where our limiting family habits stops and the family curse is broken. So I didn’t make my wife’s backhanded racist abuse okay by brushing it under the carpet, as some suggested.

My wife and I don’t want the man punished, sacked or harmed in any way. We want him to be accountable for what he said and educated around the consequences of bullying, abuse, and what might be best said out of the public ear. The fact that he said this to my wife, behind my back, felt to me like an adult who would physically abuse someone vulnerable like a child or an elder without leaving marks as evidence.

4. In some cultures use of ‘the n word’ is still acceptable. All it took in school was for someone to call me a ni**er and I was shut up in an instant with no comeback. For some it was hilarious! So I played small, played safe and lived in fear of it, laughing it off the few times it pierced my spirit.

I was astounded when the rental firm initially said that my wife must have misheard and he might have said “At least I’m not a ‘beggar’.” Then they came back with ‘he was referring to himself, “…working like a ni**er’.”

5. The nicest people can have bad days, leaky shadows, snap at the final straw and lose control as ‘the red mist’ takes over. I am sure that ‘Grandpa’ who ‘served’ us is a lovely old man who delights at spreading holiday happiness and joy. He badgered my wife for an extra 50 euros as she tried to explain that she’d paid an excess fee before boarding the plane. He wanted his extra money and I stopped his insistence asking “Are you calling my wife a liar?” and that’s when the red mist fell. For an eternity we fiercely stared each other out to near breaking point. I know, from childhood experience, how the red mist can take a person over.

6. I learned to step back, allow breathing space and put someone else’s needs before my fight for justice. He finally showed us a document with 25 euros in red, which was true. I thought it best for me to step back and let my wife deal with the admin avoiding things turning nasty. He asked my wife “Did I call you a liar? At least I’m not a ni**er and I work for a living!” shocking and scary. She didn’t tell me what he’d said until we were in the car. I knew she wanted to just leave and feel safe again.

7. People, corporations, bullies, etc. will get away with whatever they can without admitting liability. I wonder whether the car rental firm were obliged to avoid admitting what happened and therefore any liability? We never got to hear Grandpa’s version of what happened and feel like we’ve been sent from pillar to post by the firm without anyone really taking this on and dealing with it until my Rottweiler persistence and ten weeks later, when our car hire fee was refunded ‘as a gesture of good will’. This incident took over our honeymoon, my 50th birthday celebrations, our thoughts and emotions. My wife spent our honeymoon dreading coming face-to-face with her abuser again. I don’t feel the good will.

8. My pain is my choice and it’s something that others might find uncomfortable. As do I, as I learn and grow from it. I wanted to sit in the reality of what had ruined our feelings of safety in this foreign country, even though other people were very nice to us in Santorini. Were they just pretending? What were they really thinking? Are my wife and I safe? I was grateful for this fearful space that my new wife and I could get real in, rather than brush under the carpet to fester and follow us around, occasionally rearing its ugly head for us to look in the eye and eventually face. We sat with this with gratitude that it had come up now, as we look to buy our first property together, to be aware of neighbours and neighbourhoods. I felt that if we didn’t take the opportunity to lay a boundary on how we will be treated now, then we will surely have to do it later. So as we laid the boundary and have set ourselves up for a life of love and safety.

9. The sooner pain is named, the sooner pain can be released. Half way through my email exchanges with the firm, my wife took over, as she was ready to deal with it herself: after all the offending words were said to her while she was alone and vulnerable. This honeymoon parasite was released as she named it, allowing the story to separate from us.

I always tell the men in my men’s groups and my private clients that the way I organize my priorities is to do whatever relieves the most pressure first. Easy to say, but that might be where the most fear, pain, avoidance, trauma or even liberation lies. Who would I be without my story? My wife needed her time to be ready to write it down and out of her and move things on, as I am doing now. When it’s time – it’s time. What a relief!

10. I learned that the experiences and stories from my past can still haunt me, if the nerve is touched. As I name them, l let them go and make space for more goodness in my life.I was raised in a small, Catholic, Portuguese-influenced bubble that was happily lost in time until Idi Amin so shockingly popped it. I’ve probably been called a ni**er more than I’ve been called anything else. I’m ‘officially’ not black enough to claim that hallowed title and was certainly not black enough for Idi Amin!

Post refugee camps we were brought up in a small town in West Wales with wonderful neighbours in a generally accepting community – we were the only coloured family there for a long time. We fled Amin’s Secret Service losing everything, including my father for nine months.

One day a man showed up at our house with a load of furniture, old toys, books, all sorts of things including a very old set of encyclopedias where I found a section on how black natives were more like animals than civilized white people and how they should be treated. I wondered what the people in our community really thought about us. Some local children thought that my father might eat them if they behaved badly, others thought we were ‘red Indians’ and searched behind and under our furniture for hidden bows and arrows.

I remember Alex Haley’s book ‘Roots’ taking the screens by storm in the 1970s and I could see the noose hanging from the tree in my minds eye as I cried in our bathroom in Greece. (Totally illogical, but try explaining that to the traumatised little boy inside of me). That hanging noose has always scared me and I remember not telling my family about what I saw in the encyclopedia and fretting about how I would protect them if the locals got ideas and turned on us. How will I protect my wife?

I was physically attacked in the changing rooms on my first day of secondary school and another boy – who was used to fighting and didn’t risk expulsion from the community – took the attacker on and nothing more was said of it by the teachers or other kids. Changing rooms were humiliating and I felt like Joseph Merrick ‘The Elephant Man’ because of distant examination and perfectly innocent, though embarrassing questioning.

I missed out on normal boyhood fun and games. I’ve caught up in my later years and I’ve turned into the healthy, self-respecting man that I feel that I now am, happily married and loving my London life, transforming the shadows of my psyche into the gold of walking a conscious path, with my wife by my side. Shame it cost our honeymoon, but good thing we rented that car!

Kenny D’Cruz was described by the Daily Express as a “coach, consultant and guru of all things men…” He helps turn lost boys into self-empowered men on a purposeful, passionate pathway of self-awareness – with a few long sessions for a quick, sustainable turnaround. He’s run men’s groups for 15 years (currently in Camden Town and South Kensington and has achieved great success with private individual and corporate clients for 25 years. Find out more about his work at www.kennydcruz.com.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

A Life Worth Living — one man’s defiant response to devastating illness

by Leave a Comment

When Dr Jon Hastie was three-years-old, he was diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Distrophy (DMD), a gradual and devastating neuromuscular disease that primarily affects boys and men.

At the time of his diagnosis the expected life expectancy for DMD sufferers was around 20. Since then however there have been significant improvements in the way DMD is managed and the mean age of death is continuing to rise.

Dr Hastie is now in his mid-thirties and has made a film about the fierce determination that he and fellow DMD sufferers have to “never give in. Never give up”. In short, to live “A Life Worth Living”.

— This is article #73 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys

 

Below is a powerful package from Channel 4 on Dr Hastie and the film:

To find out more about Dr Hastie and his work, visit the A Life Worth Living website here and follow him on Twitter @DrJonHastie

Also on insideMAN:

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

 

Fighting for a future – how a former boxer uses his tough background to mentor boys

by Leave a Comment

Oliver Wilson is a former professional boxer, Hollywood stuntman and rock band bodyguard. His upbringing was also scarred by poverty and abuse. Here he explains how he now uses his life experience to mentor boys and young men from similar backgrounds to his own.

— This is article #72 in our series of #100Voices4 Men and boys

Coming from a background of eleven children and facing many hardships, I found the motivation and drive to change my life for the better.

On many days my family were faced by the dilemma of heat or eat, and on certain days we did not even have those options.

As my father’s alcoholism and gambling became worse I found myself homeless at the age of fourteen. I will never forget the day when my family was faced with eviction from our house, my dad sat at the kitchen table gambling in a card den whilst the bailiffs watched over his shoulder asking him for the outstanding rent, to which he replied “I will give it to you when I have finished this hand.”

As fate would have it that was my father’s last hand, he lost and the bailiffs removed the chair from under him. The whole family was cast out onto the street and watched as the house was boarded up. It was one of the most painful times I’ve ever been faced with in my life — where were we going to live and how were we going to survive this predicament?

Impoverished, hungry and violently abused by my father, this resulted in me spending five years in foster care. Food was scarce and it was one of the prime motivators for me to want more!

‘They could feel an empathy with me’

Although it’s not unusual for a poor black boy, born in Britain, to turn to sport; I channelled my energy into boxing and became a boxing champion; I later used this as a stepping stone to succeed beyond the ring.

I created a non-contact boxing motivational program, where men and boys attend, to get fit, get rid of their frustrations, and talk openly about their issues. I assess their problems and direct them to the correct organization to help them.

Through meeting with the young men and boys and relating this story they could feel an empathy with me, as many of them have suffered similar experiences in their lives.

In the 21st century we are surrounded by technology and gadgets — from phones and tablets, to iPods and androids — while men and boys are being prescribed medication because of the lack of interaction.

Men and boys do cry from the breakdown of family life caused by a myriad of outside influence including gambling, drugs, alcohol and their family’s dysfunction.

I believe men and boys need personal connections with positive male role models who can understand where they are coming from.

Picture Credit: Gray Clark / Trinity Mirror Southern

Oliver Wilson is a former professional boxer, Hollywood stuntman and bodyguard for Led Zeppelin and The Who. To contact Oliver and find out more about Boxfusion — his non-contact boxing motivational program — visit the Boxing Inclusion Zone website.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Gender equality. Man you lose, woman… You lose too! (But the state wins.)

by 4 Comments

Andrew Johnson is a retired father with six grown-up children and personal experience of the family court system.  This is his anti-statist, libertarian perspective, on why the search for equality between men and women is doomed to fail.

— This is article #71 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

I have heard that the goal of the men’s movement is, “finishing off what feminists started when they campaigned for gender equality – TRUE equality!”

It is not a good idea.  Apart from the fact that it is IMPOSSIBLE anyway, it is not even wise to try and achieve something that goes against the real, observable nature of humanity.

Men and women are not “fungible”.  Meaning,  we cannot treat men and women as if they are easily interchangeable, have the same properties and characteristics, etc..

We are not dealing with, for example, haddock and cod. We are dealing with entities that are, by natural evolution, meant to complement each other when taken together, and have greatly different properties when considered separately. Meat and spuds. Plaice and lemon.

The “contentious” issues of sexual politics do have a habit of being based on “inconvenient” realities that the “equality” obsessives have absolutely no way of squaring off. We are a not a hermaphrodite species. “Ye can-nae change the laws of biology captain” as Scotty famously did not say in “Star Trek”.

Did you note I used the term “sexual” politics?  It is my personal policy not to use terms that are often associated with feminist writers. Not merely to distance myself from an ideology I do not care much for, but because I regard “sex” as more explanatory than “gender”. The reasons why “the sexes” can’t often be treated as if they are the same, is because sexual reproduction depends on them behaving differently and having different properties. “Gender politics” really comes down to SEX. Let’s not be coy now.

REALITY 1:

Women bear children. They carry a child for nine months. They provide that growing body with all it needs. It is a major thing in the life of any woman who experiences it. It is not without risks and is often a difficult time for the woman. Mentally and physiologically.

Reproduction has a hugely significant impact on females. Solely the female. Not the male. He does not carry a child. He does not bear the risk, the pain.

He is not even necessarily aware that his genes are being used to create a child — few men are “required” to fulfil the reproductive abilities of all fertile women.

So, it is natural in society that when it comes to children – babies especially — it is all about THE MOTHER. It is and pretty much always will be, geared around HER needs and comfort.

Of course, that leads us on to…

REALITY 2:

Men are required to fertilise female eggs.

Without even getting into the immense task involved in convincing a woman to bear a child for a man. (Suffice it to say, women are CHOOSY and can afford to be, indeed HAVE to be, if they want the best chance for their offspring to be strong and cared for.)

That is pretty much all a chosen man needs to do, to ensure the species continues.

Hang on, no, not quite.

Raising kids, is hard work. It is time consuming. It demands a lot of resources. Who has to provide these resources?

The mother, is the PRIMARY parent, so she is needed for that role.

Don’t like that thought? Tough. Get used to it. Times have NOT changed much matey. Nor are they likely to this century.

Perhaps a DNA test can determine who “the other parent” is. If the mother wishes that. But he is not going to be breastfeeding the child, and certainly not carrying the child for nine months.

‘Human nature does not seek equality’

So what can his role be?

I think we know that. He provides. He cares for the mother, he engages with the world of work and labour, and brings back resources. Hey, he can even change nappies and play with the child.

There are of course others who can do this.

The state will even do it. The state can (and does) take over much of the “child raising” and resource provision so that both the mother and the father can then be “free” to… Support the state!

This is why the statists like the idea of “equalising” the sexes.

But it doesn’t really work does it? Mothers remain “sacred”. Men are still expected to work to provide for mothers, either directly, or indirectly via taxation.

A fools errand…

There are other reasons I can give why the quest for equality is at best pointless and even counterproductive.

Men will usually choose to provide women with MORE than what is “equal” and indeed women (and fathers of the bride) will always be willing to rate men on how they provide for her. (Capitulation?)

Human nature does not seek “equality” it seeks MORE than an equal share of resources when it can get it.

The most obvious inequalities are FINANCIAL differentials between SOCIAL CLASSES, vast and overwhelming compared to sexual inequalities in many regards.

Perhaps consider this:

Two equal parties, are more likely to argue, less likely to be able to settle their disagreements and make a decision, and ultimately will need a third party that is ‘MORE EQUAL’ than both to decide for them and there we come back to her ‘mate’ the STATE.

So, what is the way forward for men, women, children and the family life so many of us  cherish?

Aim not for unrealistic and mutually power reducing “equality” between men and women. But for a system that encourages COMPATIBLE treatment of men and women. A system that frees men to be  the best of manliness and allows women to be the best of womanliness.

And the beauty of it is, we know how to do that. Our cultural instincts showed us, a long time ago, and it doesn’t need any state help to “engineer” it along.

Gender equality? It was never the solution, and all attempts at making  it so worsened the problems between the sexes. It was, and still is… A fool’s errand.

Feature image: Flickr/winnifredxoxo

Andrew Johnson is retired father with six grown-up children and personal experience of the family court system. He considers himself to be an anti-statist libertarian.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

 

Yes, we do need to speak about male violence

by 11 Comments

Guardian columnist Ally Fogg says that if we want to make a difference for men and boys, we can’t evade the fact that most serious violence is committed by men.

—This is article #70 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

There is an exchange that plays out in the media on pretty much a daily basis. The moves have become so familiar we can see them performed almost as a ritual dance. In the aftermath of some tragic, violent incident – whether a mass shooting, a domestic homicide or a shocking sexual assault – a commentator with liberal or feminist leanings will describe the incident as an example of ‘male violence’ and, therefore, not just an isolated incident but part of a systematic pattern involving hundreds, thousands, millions of related incidents across the world each day.

There follows a storm of comments, social media updates and blogs as detractors – primarily but not exclusively male – throw up their digitised hands in horror and disgust. This is nothing to do with me! I’ve never killed anyone! Why are you blaming an entire gender for the crime of an individual?

The defensive reactions may be understandable, but are largely based on a misunderstanding. Saying that men have a problem with violence does not mean that all men are violent, any more than saying Britain has a problem with obesity means that all Britons are fat. In both examples, it means the phenomenon causes immense social harm and individual suffering, and occurs at levels far above those we should be willing to tolerate in a civilised society.

What about female perpetrators?  

Yes, women can also be violent, especially towards intimate partners and family members. However in recent years the men’s sector as a whole (and I include myself in that) has often become so fixated on demonstrating and documenting the extent of male victimisation at the hands of women that we may have lost sight of the bigger picture.

According to the UN’s estimates, there were more than 450,000 homicides globally last year. Not only were 95% of the killers male, so too were 80% of the victims. In England and Wales, 800,000 adult men were injured in a violent attack in 2013 and around three quarters of perpetrators were not their female partners, but other men. On the other side of the coin, around 37,000 men are in prison today as a consequence of their own violent behaviour. To deny or turn our eyes from the extent of men’s violence is to turn our backs on one of the most pressing and severe social and health issues facing men and boys across the world today.

Only once we acknowledge the scale of men’s violence can we begin to ask why it occurs. I suspect many people are uncomfortable with the suggestion that there is something inherently violent to masculinity. What we might instead call ‘male culture’ colours our attitudes to work and to leisure, to lifestyles and relationships, even to how we communicate and interact. That culture has too often included attitudes towards violence that are directly implicated in too much death and injury.

Are men conditioned to be violent? 

How many of us grew up believing that to be a man demanded that we be ‘tough’ and ‘hard,’ or in other words to be willing to endure and inflict violence? Such traits don’t always come easy, and too many boys still have them literally beaten into us by peers or, tragically, parents and other adults. Research has consistently shown that where formal or informal physical punishment is used, boys are beaten more regularly and more forcefully than girls.

At the same time, psychologists have long known the rough recipe for a violent adult. According to one study by Murray Straus, a child who grows up in a family where the adults are violent to each other is almost three times as likely to display violent behaviour as others. Another study found that a child subjected to physical abuse who also witnesses violent behaviour at first hand is between five and nine times as likely to become an abusive adult. It is true that not all violent adults lived through an especially violent childhood, and absolutely vital to understand that many, many people who experienced violence and abuse in childhood will never harm anyone in turn. Neither fact, however, should obscure the truth that violent adults – by which we most commonly mean violent men – are not born, they are made.

Nor does male violence exist in isolation from other male-specific issues. Only once we acknowledge and face up to the reality of male violence can we begin to unpick the complex relationship between men’s emotional isolation and unaddressed mental health needs, our tendency to self-medicate or escape into excessive alcohol and drug use and from there, the intimate link between intoxication and violent behaviour.

No I am not being anti-male 

It is not anti-man or misandrist to acknowledge that our society brutalises men and boys to a sufficient degree that some will become brutes. On the contrary, I would argue the misandrist position is to claim that men’s violence is an inescapable law of nature, some relic of evolution or neurobiology. Testosterone does not breed violence, violence breeds violence, and the evidence, I am happy to say, is all around us. Current levels of violent crime remain distressing, but are a fraction of what they were 20 years ago. The vast majority of men are not violent and the numbers who are get smaller all the time.

As mentioned above, 800,000 men were wounded in violent attacks last year, but the same statistic in 1994/5 was 2.4 million. Domestic violence, as estimated by the Crime Survey of England and Wales, has dropped 78% over the same time frame. The same story is playing out across the developed world. Nor is it just the effect of increased prison populations keeping violent offenders out of harm’s way. The number of children and young people entering the criminal justice system (ie being caught for the first time) is at its lowest since records began. Meanwhile the fastest growing section of the prison population over the past few years has been the over 65s.

The explanations for this phenomenal social change are hotly debated by criminologists but one thing is for sure, male biology has not evolved in a couple of decades. It is likely there are a variety of social and even environmental factors involved, I would suggest that it is no coincidence that the least violent generation of young men in living memory is the first to have been raised in the era of the rights of the child, in schools and homes that have increasingly eschewed violent punishments, with anti-bullying policies and where the social acceptability of violence of all sorts has been challenged and rejected as never before.

There is little doubt that men today are less violent, less aggressive, less militaristic than we have been at any time in living memory but there is still a long way to go. The journey will be driven not just by policy and politics but by the desire of all women, children and men to live in a safer, more peaceful world and the principal beneficiaries will be men ourselves.

—Picture credit: striatic

Ally Fogg is one of the UK’s leading media commentators on men’s issues. You can follow his writing on gender at freethought blogs and find him writing in various publications especially The Guardian. He’s also a regular tweeter @AllyFogg

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com.