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The Confused Male: Do women really want what they say they want?

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For many men the rapidly shifting landscape of gender roles and expectations can feel like a minefield. Here couple’s counsellor and insideMAN reader, Jennie Cummings-Knight, reflects both on the conflicted feelings she has about the new gender order and the mixed messages some women seem to be sending men.

In January of this year, I both witnessed and played a part in what was perhaps a typical incident of male confusion with regard to how to behave towards women in 21st century Britain.

I was on the station platform at Norwich after a football match, when the train came in after a long wait and a points’ failure. All the football supporters got on in a body, and I was left on the platform with one foot in the doorway. I asked the tightly-packed fans to let me on and they replied “there is no room”, so I called out to my husband who, already on the train, had not realised that I was still on the platform, and he pulled me on to the train through the crowd.

I was very annoyed at having nearly been stranded on the platform for the evening and I said in a loud voice, “I see the days of ladies first have long gone past!”  Suddenly there was a sheepish shift in attitude from the (mostly male) crowd of supporters. They looked around and found me a small jump seat to sit on.

It seemed that I had effectively reminded them of the manners of a bygone age and they had responded by instinct to a phrase that 30 years ago, everyone knew off by heart. It was an interesting moment!

Simpler times, clearer rules?

There was a time when men in the UK knew how society expected them to behave around women that they had personal relationships with — the rules were much clearer: They were supposed to be providers – to protect, to be good earners.

Men did not need to be good looking but they needed to be fit, active and in gainful employment. There was a tacit understanding that they probably knew more about sexual matters than most women and this was welcomed as long as the sexual experimentation stayed in the past once a commitment to a woman was made.

Women were considered to be the “weaker vessel”, and as objectionable as this is to contemporary sensibilities, they were nonetheless treated with a particular kind of care and respect, (in the majority of cases).

Women liked to be admired and noticed, but not usually for their successful careers, but more for their companionship, and their ability to provide a nurturing home environment and it did not hurt if their good looks were a factor too.

Things have changed… or have they?

Women apparently liked the fantasy of being “swept off their feet” by the confident and successful male — as long as he brought home a good wage and did not “play the field” that was pretty much all that was required. Children were welcomed as built-in likely by-products of the relationship, and a woman would be expected to look after the home and take the major share of responsibility in child care.

Now things have changed – or have they?

Women say they want to be equal with men – we say we want to be treated as strong and independent people – we no longer “need” the old fashioned “knight in shining armour” image – but is this true in your experience?

I personally remember the days of being “looked after” by men – (when they were viewed as emotionally tougher, physically stronger, and responsible for shouldering the main financial burden of the homestead) – with nostalgia.

Women say that they want to be admired for what they can achieve – not for how they look. But that’s not true for me, and therefore I suspect not for all women either. Yes, I want to be admired for what I can achieve, but that does not mean that how I look no longer matters. Far from it!

We women have also often complained that men take advantage of positions of power – but do we make the same mistakes?

Double standards

We want equal status in the workplace, but we like to run things the way we want in the home.

We complain that women are under-represented in high prestige jobs, but we stay quiet about the fact that it’s mostly men who do the most dangerous (e.g. tasks in the forces) dirty, (refuse collecting, for example) and low status (farm labourers, brick layers, etc.) jobs.

With regard to sexual advances, I have seen a certain hypocrisy at work, where men are increasingly accused of inappropriate behaviour, but where women think it’s OK to behave in exactly the same way themselves, and yet there tends to be a very different reaction than if a man were to accuse a woman of doing the same — the result for him would far more likely to be ridicule.

I saw a young lady one evening (it all happens at the train station, it seems!) offer her train ticket to the guard by sticking it in her cleavage and asking him to take it from there. He did so, but he was at risk (in my view) in this response because she could have accused him of being inappropriate later.

How is a man supposed to navigate his way through the complex maze of what women say they want, and what they appear to really want?

Let me know your thoughts!

By Jennie Cummings-Knight

Counsellor/Lecturer/Writer www.goldenleafcounselling.com

Photo: Colin Kinner/Flickr

10 Reasons why men still feel pressure to be the main breadwinner

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Men are three times more likely to feel pressured to be the main breadwinner in their relationship, according to the first national audit of masculinity published by the male suicide prevention charity CALM last month.

 

So why do men feel pressure to be the main breadwinner? Here we explore 10 possible reasons and we’d like to hear your theories in the comments section below.

1. You can’t beat biology

The ability to earn money used to be defined almost entirely by biology. However the world of work is no longer so divided. It is a little known fact that single women earn more than single men in the UK—so the pay gap is not simply caused by biology or sex discrimination.

The pay gap is mostly a parenting gap but it’s also a relationship gap. While single women earn more than single men, the moment men and women enter into a relationship with each other a relationship pay gap emerges.

So even in couples where there are no children, men earn more than women on average. Why does this happen? Do men lean in to the provider role? Do women settle in to being provided for? We don’t really know, but we do know it happens

When kids arrive, the parenting pay gap gets bigger with each extra child. This is where biology is definitely playing a part. Men can’t gestate or lactate so having kids means mums spend less time in the workplace and dads take on more responsibility for bringing home the bacon.

There is some sex discrimination at play here. On mum’s side, campaigners claim that 60,000 mums are pushed out of work every year; on dad’s side, unequal parental rights prevent dads having an equal opportunity to be the primary carer (and mum’s having a equal opportunity to be the main breadwinner).

2. Work is a man’s world

Is the world of work still a “man’s world” that favours male breadwinners?

According to the “dissident feminist”, Camille Paglia, “the modern economy, with its vast production and distribution network, is a male epic, in which women have found a productive role — but women were not its author”.

Paglia was speaking int a debate about The End of Men, Hanna Rosin’s celebrated book in which she claimed that the emerging postindustrial society is better suited to women. This isn’t simply a lef-wing, feminist fantasy. Trevor Nelson, editor of the right-wing Spectator magazine has made a similar observation saying:

“The economy is changing shape, in a way that is to men’s collective disadvantage. Occupations requiring physical strength are rapidly disappearing; a quarter of manufacturing jobs have vanished in the past 10 years. In their place come posts where “work” means grabbing a coffee, heading to the office and getting along with people. The qualities of social intelligence, communication skills and multi-tasking are not ones where men have any innate advantage. The recession has simply accelerated the emasculation of the economy.”

For now, it seems, the economy still favours male breadwinners, making it the obvious choice for most couples to rely on dad to earn most money, but for how much longer?

3. Fathers don’t have equal rights to care for their children

Fathers still don’t have equal rights or opportunities to be involved parents and this pushes men into the breadwinner role. According to the best-selling author of Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Louis de Bernier—who is a patron of the charity Families Need Fathers—there is a “general mythologising of fathers as irrelevant and feckless abusers” and the family courts treat “fathers heartlessly as mere sperm donors and bankers”.

At the other end of the fatherhood experience, new dads also face discrimination. As the former Equal Opportunities Commission (EOC) commissioner Duncan Fisher said, when a Welsh dad whose partner died in childbirth was legally prevented from leaving hospital with his new born child:

“In UK law, a father can only be a father if the mother approves him. She can do this in two ways – marry him or invite him to sign the birth certificate. If neither of these happens, he is not the father until the family court approves him. A man has to be vetted by the mother or the state before he is allowed to be a father.”

When fathers don’t equal rights to take on the role of involved parent, they are inevitably pushed into the role of being the primary breadwinner.

4. Men have narrower choices

The latest British Social Attitudes survey also tells us that:

  • Only 28% of people think mums should work full time once the kids start school
  • 73% of us think dads should work full time

Put another way, nearly three quarters of the British population—men and women—think men should be the main breadwinners.

What’s happened in the past 50-60 years is that women’s choices have diversified and they have been able to do so because men’s choices have remained relatively stable. Men, for the most part, have continued to provide the economic security that has enabled most modern mums to make one of three life choices:

  • To stay at home until the children start school (which 33% of people support)
  • To work part time until the children start school (which 43% support)
  • To work full time once the kids start school (which 28% support)

When it comes to work-home balance, men simply don’t have the same range of choices:

  • 73% of us think dads should work full time
  • 5% of us think dads should work part time
  • ZERO percent of us think dads should stay at home full time

 5. Parental leave benefits don’t give dads equal support

Until very recently, the UK has had one of the most unequal parenting leave entitlement regimes in the world which was described by the Fatherhood Institute as a major driver of gendered responsibility in earning and caring.

This sexist legislation was introduced by the New Labour government in 2006 and attempts to reform it were opposed by an unholy alliance of big business and women’s groups including the feminist Fawcett Society.

In 2011, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg promised to reform this system saying the laws on parental leave marginalise dads and deny them the chance to play a hands-on role. The new laws on shared parental leave are a big step forward but still discriminate against fathers. According to Ben Moxham at the TUC “the incentives in place for fathers are so poor that even the government estimates that only 2 to 8 per cent of dads are likely to take this leave” and there is still a huge gap between the parental leave pay mums and dads can expect. In the higher education sector, for example, some of the UK’s most generous universities are paying mums over 60 times more than some dads get paid when they take parental leave.

When such huge gender gaps in parental leave pay exist, it is little wonder than men are pushed into the breadwinner role when children enter the equation.

6. Female workers don’t have the same financial ambitions

According to the job website, Adzuna, male job seekers are more ambitious when it comes to earnings, with men being twice as likely as their female counterparts to aspire to top jobs, paying over £100,000.

Adzuna’s survey showed that nearly a third of women would be content with salaries between £20-30k, while only half that number of men claim they would be happy to receive the same level of pay.

A recent survey of graduates made a similar discovery, revealing that while a third (34pc) of male graduates were aiming to earn over £25,000 when they leave university onlya fifth (20pc) of female graduates have the same ambition.

If even the most qualified young women in the country are aiming to earn less than their male counterparts it is inevitable that more men will end up in relationships where they feel pressured to be the main breadwinner.

7. Women don’t want put the same hours in as men

While there are more women in the workplace than ever before, men are still responsible for nearly two-thirds (61%) of the one billion hours people in the UK spend working every week and are three times more likely than women to put in more than 45 hours of paid work each week.

This pattern is set to be repeated by the next generation of workers with male graduates being 50% more likely to say they are prepared to work more than 45 hours a week, than female graduates.

As more men are prepared to work longer hours than women, they are more likely to earn more than their partners and feel pressure to take on the role of main breadwinner.

8. Gentleman prefer work

According to preference theory, there are three key choices facing men and women and these are:

  • To prioritise careers, espouse achievement values and lead a work-centred lifestyle
  • To prioritise family life and sharing values and lead a home-centred lifestyle
  • To combine paid jobs and family work without giving absolute priority to either activity or the accompanying values and lead an adaptive lifestyle

Proponents of preference theory claim that the majority of women are more family orientated while the majority of men are more work orientated and these preferences lead to more men taking on the breadwinner role.

9. Women prefer high achievers

This may seem like an outdated concept, but research suggests that women all over the world still look for breadwinner qualities in their mate and are more likely than men to favour traits related to resources, like ambition, industriousness and earning capacity.

10. The rules of masculinity/femininity

According to the psychologist Martin Seager, there are three ancient rules of masculinity that still inform our experience of being a man today. They are:

  • A real man is a fighter and a winner
  • A real man is a provider and a protector (of women, children and others)
  • A real man retains mastery and control

According to CALM’s audit of masculinity, the majority of men and women (76%) say they believe that men and women in relationships should share equal responsibility for financial matters. The figure is higher for women (83% ) than it is for men (68%).

But what does “equal responsibility” mean? Most of the research in this area suggests that it doesn’t mean bringing home equal amounts of money as nearly three quarters of people think fathers should work full time, while just over a quarter think mothers should work full time.

In CALM’s survey 31% of male respondents said the thought men should be mostly responsible for financial matters. This is lower than the percentage of men who actually end up being the main breadwinner in their family.

Perhaps men are three times more likely to feel pressured to be the main breadwinner because although most men think financial responsibility should be equally shared, in reality, the majority of men still end up doing an unequal share of the breadwinning in their relationship.

And despite the fact that the majority of women say that financial responsibility should be shared equally; the cold, hard reality is that the majority of women, don’t make a equal financial contribution in their relationships (for a variety of reasons)—leaving men more pressure to be the main breadwinner.

WHY DO YOU THINK MEN FEEL PRESSURE TO TAKE ON THE BREADWINNER ROLE IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS? TELL US WHAT YOU THINK IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. 

—Photo Credit: flickr/Annie Mole

Article by Glen Poole author of the book Equality For Men

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Gender Roles – the primary task

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Part 2 of 4….So what about gender roles? I didn’t get into men’s work for men or boys; I did it for myself. I knew from a young age that something was not quite as it might have been for the men in my life and it has been my personal quest to make sense of the discord that led me to this.

It is without exception the masculine aspect of the collective psyche that is acting out detrimentally to the greater degree and with far more risk of negative consequences than would be produced by the equal and opposite force in the feminine.

It is the masculine soul that needs healing MOST. It didn’t matter where I went: MKP, ABOB, Boys to Men / JMUK…my experiences in the corporate arena or with private clients – pathologically adolescent masculinity is dominant. In places where one would hope to find respite the walk never matched the talk. The process of maturation in men seems arrested regardless of where I went.

The MKP rhetoric focuses on men not having to compete or prove themselves to each other, but rather to strive to compete with themselves to become ‘good’ men. this only seemed to drive to the surface high levels of shame, a lack of deep self-worth and underlined the apparent absence of belief in the essential goodness of the masculine soul.

The single common fact shared amongst the men in these circles, almost without exception,was an inability for men to authentically bless other men…I do not mean simply affirm someone else’s behaviour, I mean to see what is unique and ‘golden’ and assert the gifts inherent in another man’s simple authentic presence.

This competition theme runs deep in men. It arises from the adolescent hard wiring of the ‘hero’ archetype and will seek the marshalling it needs until it finds it or it will implode (see suicide stats for men) hopefully in healthy forms that contain and affirm it rather than dominate it or worse, ignore it.

This is what fully developed rites of passage do – locate a person psychologically within themselves, their community and their environment. Without this process we drift indefinitely in the adolescent stage of development: ‘me’ rather than ‘we’.

Belonging is the greatest human need and as men we struggle for it. And yet defining ones sense of identity from outside oneself is not something people at adult stage development do. Adult identity has come to its centre of gravity within the individuals own value structures. Recognised in a deep embodied felt sense of security, connection and self worth, a mature adult would be able to tolerate being judged and have faith that ‘I’ will not suffer a catastrophic collapse of identity.

This deep life affirming felt sense is something that chronic shame will not allow. Rather, a shamed person clings on even more fervently to the rules and suddenly, if they are stretched and you are not sufficiently internally resilient you have a cult in the making. This way only…!

Expressed in subtle and often almost imperceptible ways and brilliantly masked by protocols and procedures, symptoms of developmental trauma lurk close to the surface amongst many men. Any man who didn’t receive adequate nurturing during primary developmental stages will be compensating – running too hot or too cold in key life areas: workaholism, porn addiction, passivity… etc.

A paralysing fear of being perceived as ‘weak’ passes on implicit messages about ‘what men do’: essentially, withhold genuine affection, do not express vulnerability or sincere appreciation, avoid healthy conflict (a function of shame), whilst instead positively affirm anything that comes from within the current ‘safe & known’ paradigm and often decline to engage with anything from outside or do so simply to deny that ideas from ‘outside’ have potential value.

To read part three of this article see: Shaming and Blessing 

Paul Howell offers personal coaching and counselling, training and facilitation, and workshops for men at Clarity Coaching.

 

Why is it still shocking for a man to wear a skirt?

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Jeremy Hutchinson is a man who wears skirts. Here he explains why this simple decision to reject the “right” clothes for men, actually reveals profound questions about how society polices men’s gender roles.

— This is article #47 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys

For me all the arguments and reasons for why a woman should be allowed to dress in traditionally male styles of clothing, also apply equally to men like me, who want to dress in clothing that’s seen as only being for women. In my view, it is simply freedom of choice.

My wearing a skirt makes me no less a man, just as women who have now embraced “men’s” clothing makes them no less a woman. I’m still a man biologically as they are a woman. As an individual I should be able to dress as I choose, just like everyone else does, and can, without question.

The main barrier is often people’s attitudes and perceptions. It’s almost as if it’s OK for women to change but not for men. But I refuse to bow to the pressure of this double standard. I go to theatres, pubs, restaurants, concerts, even those held at churches. I go to dentists, doctors, opticians, shopping, anywhere except for my work and one of my hobbies fell walking due to practical reasons. I do low level ambles, for example along canal towpaths,  and lakeside, while skirted.

Why do I wear a skirt? I feel happier, contented, relaxed, at ease and far more enthused with life, than when I am told by others what I can and cannot wear and what is expected of me. One of my main-stays of life is character and personality, I am an individual. Clothing is just one way in which I express this individuality.

All our friends and most of our family accept me for who I am, but there are two small groups within both my wife’s and my own families, who have expressed discomfort and intolerance at the way I dress. This is despite the fact that they themselves, including their partners, embrace modern freedoms and expect others to accept whatever they say or do.

I generally find that I am accepted for who I am, but quite a few people do stare or even give negative looks and obvious ‘behind the back’ chatter. Since I have worn skirts in public I have been to social gatherings of friends’ and family, as well as to family formal events like weddings and Blessings. My wife and I have also gained new friends since being skirted in public!

Tradition is regularly quoted when others expect a group or individual to conform but they never use tradition for themselves when it suits their purpose.

As far as I am concerned, a man in a skirt is no different to the modern woman and their adopted and changed dress style. Many within society will shun me for what I do, and the lives of men like me are made doubly harder due to the selfish attitudes of others. But I am just an ordinary civilised human and my life choices are a far cry from those who challenge society in a physical and harmful way. What harm does it do? I can function and survive in this world by my own talents, abilities, logic and hard work. I ask those who would criticise men like me, can you?

“…taboos can change swiftly…” and “…like societies of everywhere, we mock the taboos of others yet fail to see the absurdity of our own…”18th July, 2014 Anne Atkins Thought for the Day – BBC Radio 4.

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were to scared to have and the decisions we took too long to make. There comes a time in your life when you realise who matters, who doesn’t, who never did and who always will. So don’t worry about the people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.” Source unknown, on a restaurant wall.

Jeremy writes about his experiences on his blog here

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not necessarily the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

 

 

So much for sex equality, ZERO per cent of Brits think mums should work more than dads

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Is the idea that men should have the same choices as women when it comes to balancing career and family the last remaining taboo in the gender revolution?  Glen Poole examines the evidence. 

What’s the biggest remaining taboo when it comes to male and female gender roles in 21st Century Britain? Is it women being soldiers or men being midwives? No, it’s neither, because while 11% of people think women shouldn’t be soldiers and 16% think men shouldn’t be midwives, there is ZERO per cent support amongst the British public for mums working more than their male partners.

That’s correct ZERO per cent.

And this statistic doesn’t come from a straw-poll taken down my local pub or a Mickey Mouse survey of 100 shoppers in the Milton Keynes branch of Mothercare last Tuesday—this comes from the 30th British Social Attitudes survey, which is described as “a critical gauge of public opinion [which is] used by the Government, journalists, opinion formers and academics”.

So this isn’t a survey that makes a passing contribution to the public discourse on gender once a year, it’s  a highly influential survey  that informs the Government policies which shape our everyday lives as men and women. According to the survey’s authors, the “gender role revolution”, which took off if the second half of the 20th Century has been matched by a marked change in public attitudes since they began collecting data in the early Eighties.

In 1984, for example, 45 per cent of men and 41 per cent of women agreed with this statement: “A man’s job is to earn money; a woman’s job is to look after the home and family”. By 2012 only 13 per cent of men and 12 per cent of women agreed.

So is the sexual revolution complete?

If you think that the sexual revolution is all about transforming women’s roles and opportunities, then the job is all but done when it comes to public attitudes. Only 13% of people agree with the man-hunt-woman-cook approach to gender and it’s a belief that’s fading fast with each passing generation. In total, while 28% of those over 65 support the gendered division of labour, only 4% of 18-25 year olds share this view.

But before we chaps throw our bowler hats in the hair and join our womenfolk in a chorus of Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves, what about the question of gender that is so taboo, that is doesn’t even warrant a passing mention in the narrative of the British Social Attitudes survey? I’m talking about the radical idea that dads might earn less than their partners.

You see, the idea that women take sole responsibility for home and family may well have disappeared and yet women, on average, still take prime responsibility for the home. This idea is covered quite extensively in the survey under the heading “attitudes have changed but have behaviours?” which provides the following factoids:

  • 6 in 10 women consider they do more than their fair share of the household work
  • Both men and women agree, that women spend much more time a week on average, both on household work and looking after family members

Is this the last big gender taboo?

But nowhere in the survey does anyone ask if women do their fair share of paid work. In fact the survey simply accepts the culturally held given that when it comes to family life, men will always be the primary breadwinners.

So while there has been a seismic shift away from the belief that women should be solely responsible for taking care of home and family—any movement away from the belief that women should the primary homemakers, while men should be the main breadwinners, is imperceptible.

This shows up in two key questions in the report. Firstly in questions about attitudes towards parental leave, which asked how mums and dads should share this entitlement. What they discovered was that 59% of us think women should take all or most of the parental leave entitlement, while 22% think it should be shared equally. The rest of us either haven’t got an opinion or think that nobody should be entitled to parental leave. But what about, dads taking all or most of the parental leave, well:

ZERO percent thought dads should take all or most parental leave

The second area of the survey that reveals a total lack of support amongst the British public for the idea that mums should “lean in” and take primary responsibility for paid work while dads “lean out” and take primary responsibility for the home and kids, is found in the answers to this question:

“What is the best and least desirable way for a family with child under school age to organise family and work life by sex.”

What this question reveals is possibly the most deeply ingrained, sexist belief, that is held by both men and women and impacts the life choices available to every young man and woman in the country.

In 21st Century Britain this is how we still think about gender roles:

  • 69% of us think dad should be the primary earner
  • 9% of us think mum and dad should share the earning responsibility equally
  • 19% of us are undecided
  • ZERO percent think mum should be the primary earner

There is very little difference between men’s and women’s attitudes on this question:

  • 71% of men and 68% of women think dad should be the primary earner
  • 9% of men and 10% of women think think mum and dad should share the earning responsibility equally
  • ZERO percent of men and women think mum should be the primary earner

What choice do men have?

What’s striking about this survey (apart from the fact that it fails to even question these ingrained beliefs that men should be the primary earner), is the lack of choice available to men, compared with women.

For women, there is fairly even support for the three main options of motherhood, which are to stay at home, to work part time or to work full time. As the survey reveals:

  • 33% of us think mums should stay at home until the children start school
  • 43% think mums should work part time until the children start school
  • 28% think mums should work full time once the kids start school

This range of choices simply isn’t available for most men, so much so, that the question of whether dads should stay at home, work part-time or work full-time isn’t even asked in the survey. What we can read from other questions in the survey is that:

  • 73% of us think dads should work full time
  • 5% of us think dads should work part time
  • ZERO percent of us think dads should stay at home full time

When you take this into account, it’s little wonder that there’s a “gender pay gap”; that dads get sidelined from their children’s lives when parents are separated and that men don’t do their “fair share” of unpaid work.

So how do we respond to this? Do we demand equal opportunities and choices for men? Do we demand that women start to do their fair share of paid work? Or do we simply accept that men and women have different and unequal desires when it comes prioritising career and family? We’d love to hear your views…….

—Photo credit: Flickr/Antony Pranata

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Article by Glen Poole author of the book Equality For Men

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