insideMAN

The insideman book launch debate: ‘A conversation that needs to happen’

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Leading UK dad blogger John Adams, one of the brilliant contributors to the insideMAN book and a panelist at last Friday’s book launch debate, gives his thoughts on taking the stage to discuss “the hottest of hot potatoes”.

I feel honoured to have contributed to an amazing book called Pioneering Stories about Men and Boys. The book, which has just been launched, is a collection of essays from a very diverse and talented range of writers.

The book was collated and edited by Glen Poole and Dan Bell, the dynamic duo behind the insideMAN. Its aim is to shed light on a masculinity and a number of issues that affect men.

All too often equality is considered a women’s issue. It’s important to stress this book doesn’t down play the importance of the challenges women face.

Nonetheless, it highlights challenges that guys are dealing with in the modern era. It’s been put together in easy to read, bite-size chunks and is hard to put down once you get going.

Issues tackled in the book include:
• male infertility
• eating disorders among men
• circumcision (see below)
• dealing with miscarriage (this contribution have been written by my blogging chum Al Ferguson of The Dad Network)
• men’s mental health (see below)
• living as a gay man.

A highlight for me was a chapter exploring whether there is a masculinity crisis called Crisis? What Crisis? This was written by Mark Simpson, a writer and journalist widely credited for coining the phrase ‘metrosexual’. Other highlights include a highly personal account from a man who didn’t want his son circumcised in opposition to his wife, and the damage it did to his relationship. If you read it and don’t have a lump in your throat by the end then you have no soul.

The Ancient Rules of Masculinity by consultant clinical psychologist Martin Seager explores mental health and suicide, vital subjects considering the lack of mental health support available to men and a suicide rate three times higher than women’s. Chris Good, who describes himself as a “writer, musician and father of four” provides a self-explanatory contribution called Breaking the Silence of Male Victims of Domestic Violence.

My own contribution is called The Privilege and Sacrifice of Being a Stay at Home Dad. In it I highlight how I enjoy the role, but outline the struggles I sometimes face to be taken seriously in this traditionally female role.

By all means accuse me of being biased, but if you have an interest in equalities, I’d recommend reading this book. Other commentators have said it is essential reading for anyone with sons. I’ll leave you to make your own mind up on that point, but it’s not an unhealthy suggestion!

Not only was I honoured to contribute to the book, I was also one of five people asked to speak at its launch party on Friday night. The other speakers were Mark Simpson, journalist and former editor of Loaded magazine Martin Daubney, parental alienation specialist Karen Woodall and Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz, a personal development consultant.

The event took place at Bloomsbury Central Baptist Church in Central London (to clarify, the event was secular). We each had six minutes to answer the question;If masculinity is in crisis, who needs to change; men or society? It was followed by a Q&A session involving all of us speakers.

If you’ll indulge me, I’m going to tell you a little story. Back in 2013 I accepted an invitation to speak at the annual BritMums Live conference blogging conference. I had only been blogging a few months so was very surprised to receive this invitation.

While at the podium, I made a passing comment, and it was no more than a passing comment, questioning why mum bloggers seemed reluctant to write about feminism. That may sound like a sweeping generalisation, but the previous day someone at the conference had spoken about feminism and there was a noticeable response on social media from those in the audience saying they wouldn’t touch the subject.

‘The hottest of hot potatoes’

Move forward to 2015 and as the launch event for Pioneering Stories about Men and Boys neared, I realised why there was such resistance to writing about equalities and gender issues. The uncomfortable truth is that gender and gender equality are the hottest of hot potatoes. It dawned on me that whatever I was going to say would meet with disagreement from at least some in the audience. Was I mad or foolhardy to have agreed to this speaking engagement?

There was no way I was going to back out, but I was very nervous. I wrote some notes, but wasn’t sure whether to tone down what I was going to say. In the end I decided not to. The purpose of this event was to create debate and if a few people disagreed with me, well, that was part of the territory.

In short I said there is a masculinity crisis. I said that men could no longer rely on superior physical strength to give them a place in society and that the ‘hunter gather’ and ‘provider’ stereotypes are a historical anomaly. The traditionally male world of work and traditionally male occupations had been opened up to women. Conversely, the domestic sphere and traditionally female occupations had not been opened up to men in the same way (IE the early year’s childcare workforce which is 98% female).

I concluded by saying men needed to be more willing to give up, or ‘downgrade’ careers to look after family and home and that women should be prepared to step back so men could take on more childcare and homemaking responsibilities. I also said society needed to accept that masculinity was changing. Responsibility always was, and remains, an important part of masculinity. A man could run the family home and look after the kids as well as any women and society needed to accept this.

‘A discussion that needs to be had’

While I received a lot of positive feedback, not everyone in the audience was in complete agreement with what I said. Even so, it was a fun experience and I’m still on a high now and delighted to have taken part.

Even between us speakers there was a healthy range of opinions. Karen Woodall was not convinced there was a masculinity crisis and said feminism had not always been a force for good. Mark Simpson said the masculinity crisis had happened 20-30 years ago, society just didn’t know how to respond to modern men.

Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz gave a very personal insight talking about his own masculinity crisis and how he dealt with it. Martin Daubney, meanwhile, stressed the inequalities men face. He said men were unable to create ‘safe spaces’ to discuss men’s issues. He gave the example of universities that are happy to accommodate women’s groups, but fail to endorse men’s groups wishing to discuss issues such as mental health and suicide.

I’m glad I did it. It was truly an honour to be asked to speak and to contribute to the book. At the end of the day I don’t actually care about people agreeing or disagreeing with my point of view. These discussions have got to be had so that men and women and create a better world for ourselves and our sons and daughters.

My advice ‘though; do buy the book. You won’t be disappointed.

By John Adams

This article originally appeared on John Adams’ excellent fatherhood blog DadblogUK.com

To get your copy of Pioneering Stories About Men and Boys, follow this link. It costs £8 for the ebook, £12 for paperback and £21 for hardback.

Buy your tickets for this great masculinity debate in London!

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Get your diary out because insideMAN is holding its first public event in September to celebrate the launch of the insideMAN book and we’d love you to be there.

We’re hosting a lively evening of debate with some of the UK’s leading commentators on men, masculinity and manhood at The Sanctuary in Central London.

The event features five great speakers who have contributed to the insideMAN book and takes place on Friday, 11th September at 7pm.

Anyone who’s interested in men’s issues in the UK will want to hear how our guests responds to our question for the evening: “If masculinity is in crisis, what needs to change, men or society?”

You can expect a challenging, thought-provoking and inspiring range of responses from our five speakers:

Supporting this event will help us raise funds to publish our first book, which is a collection of great stories about men, manhood and masculinity, which we will be unveiling once the debate has concluded.

The crowd-funder for this book closes on July 10th, so if you want to support this project you can make a donation as follows:

  • Order the insideMAN eBook for £8 today
  • Buy your ticket for this event for £10 now
  • Get an eBook and an event ticket for £17
  • Order the paperback for £12
  • Get the paperback and an event ticket for £21
  • Get a limited edition hardback for £21
  • Be a VIP at the launch for £50

To buy your tickets for this event or order your book visit our indiegogo webpage now.

—Picture Credit: Jacqui Clark

Why is the Equality Act being used to justify discrimination against stay-at-home dads?

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When is the Equality Act not providing equality? When you’re a male carer.

I have a question for you. Can it ever be acceptable to withhold education or training courses from someone on the grounds of gender? Further to this, what if the training is backed by a local authority and funded by the tax payer?

In this instance we’re talking about courses to help people improve their IT skills. I can’t help feeling that such a stance can rarely, if ever, be justified.

Even so, over the past few months I have stumbled across two instances of this happening. The courses in question have been designed for women returning to work after taking time off to raise children.

What happens if a dad needs training?

I don’t question the need for these services to be available to women. In fact I encourage it. There’s a very clear need for them and they’re no doubt of huge benefit to the women who have sacrificed careers to raise children.

I hardly need to tell you that it’s tough for women returning to work after years of economic inactivity. Even so, it’s tougher still if you’re male. People don’t expect men to fulfil the main childcaring role. Not only are these men (which would include me as a stay-at-home father), battling society’s expectations, but there is simply no support for them.

Being a mischievous soul, I approached both organisations providing the aforementioned training. I explained that I’m a stay-at-home dad and asked what would happen if I wished to undertake their training courses.

One of them was operating in the private sector, the other, though technically a private sector body, has the backing of a local authority and is funded with tax payer’s money. To my great surprise, on both occasions the Equality Act was quoted back at me and used as justification to keep men off the training courses.

Denying men services

Yes, the Equality Act. You know, that piece of legislation that says you can’t discriminate on the grounds of gender.

Unless, it seems, your gender is male. (I was told that if you turned up to the training course offered by the publicly-funded body, claimed to be transgender and presented as a woman, they’d let you on.)

Before I go on, I’m going to disappoint you. I’m not going to reveal who I have been having these discussions with. I think these things are best done behind the scenes. The justification for denying men the same services as women, however, does need to be discussed openly.

It all comes down to a clause in the Act that states that you can take “positive action” to meet the needs of distinct groups. I would quote the entire clause but it is incredibly lengthy. I shall therefore paraphrase thus; you can limit the provision of services to particular groups if they have a “protected characteristic,” that you “reasonably think” they may be disadvantaged and your actions to remedy this are “proportionate”.

Not just dads

Both organisations claim to have identified a need for women to receive such training. They are using this as a means to justify their stance. I have some sympathy with the argument. Women who fulfill the main child-caring role are often disadvantaged when re-entering the workforce.

That said, where is the alternative training for men? It simply doesn’t exist. Where does the widower go? Where does the stay-at-home dad go? He doesn’t go anywhere because he’s being ignored and has been forgotten about. The need for such services to men may be limited, but when it’s needed, the need is considerably more acute.

I can’t help thinking it’s a very short-sighted view to take when same-sex couples are raising children and same-sex marriage is an accepted norm. Over time this is inevitably going to lead to more men needing this kind of training when their relationships break down or they’re widowed.

Let’s also not forget that eight per cent of single parent families are headed by men. In other words, there is a clear need to make these kind of services available to men.

In reality these services are already being provided. The unfortunate truth is that men are being denied them.

By John Adams

Photo: Flickr/Mike Licht

Are you a stay at home dad who has been excluded from services targeted at mums? Or have you come across any other instances where men are denied services due to their gender? Tell us about it in a tweet or a comment.

John Adams is a married stay at home dad with two young daughters. He was previously a journalist and PR / communications professional but gave this up in 2010 to be a homemaker and look after the children.

In 2012 he launched a parenting blog focused on his experiences as a “man that holds the babies” called Dadbloguk.com  and he now writes for a variety of different publications in addition to his own blog and writes regular articles for insideMAN.

Also on insideMAN:

Why dads still need to fight for better parental leave rights

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I think the introduction of shared parental leave is a great thing. I’ll be honest, I don’t think it will lead to a revolution in childcare, but it is an enormous step in the correct direction.

I’m not convinced it will lead to a huge increase in stay at home fathers. It will, however, give men a greater opportunity to get involved with their children in the early days and, crucially, it will give families flexibility to decide how to organise childcare following the arrival of a new born.

In case you haven’t guessed it, I am leading up to a massive “but”. We’ll deal with that in a moment.

First of all, for those unaware the present maternity and paternity leave systems will be consigned to history as of April 2015. In its place a system of shared parental leave will be introduced. Women will have a mandatory period of two weeks maternity leave. After this mother and father will be able to share fifty weeks of leave and 37 weeks of statutory pay (men will still have the right to two week’s paternity leave so long as it is taken within 56 days of the birth).

In theory, mum could hand the reigns over to dad and return to work after her two week spell of maternity leave ends. Alternatively the couple could decide to spend three months at home together and dad then return to work or whatever suits them best.

Are mums winners or losers?

With April fast approaching, I’ve seen increased discussion and debate about shared parental leave. I have to say I have seen some very compelling arguments coming from the pro-breast feeding lobby. The consensus seems to be that women are essentially losing the right to a guaranteed and protracted period of maternity leave.

I don’t agree with this argument, as I think women are gaining something much more valuable (ie the ability to share the burden of childcare). That said, I sympathise with the argument. You can hardly blame the pro-breastfeeding lobby for expressing concern about this aspect of shared parental leave.

This, however, is where we build up to the massive “but” I was talking about. Women are losing the right to a protracted period of maternity leave. Although men will still have the right to two weeks of paternity leave, there are no safeguards in place to stop a woman from taking all the shared parental leave herself. Mum cannot be forced to share the leave if she doesn’t want (in the spirit of fairness, dad could also refuse to share the leave if he were the main carer).

Let’s not be dramatic. I think the majority of women will be doing cartwheels at the thought of dad at least taking a month or two off following the birth of a child. Speaking from personal experience, this is something any woman who has had a hard or surgical birth will particularly appreciate.

Some mums will refuse to share 

Even so, there is likely to be a small population of women who will refuse to share the parental leave. Maybe the relationship will have broken down, maybe there is a question over paternity or maybe the mum just has no confidence in the father (which can happen for a variety of both genuine and nefarious reasons). There may be instances where interfering and overbearing relatives from the extended family tell the father he is not needed or welcome.

I certainly don’t mean to point the finger at women. Men can be controlling or have no confidence in their partners. If a man happened to be the main carer, there’s every chance he may also refuse to share the leave. The reality, however, is that mum is generally in the more powerful position in the early days and so if anyone is going to be frozen out of the family, it is more likely to be dad.

In other nations where shared parental leave is in force, a “use it or lose it” clause has been inserted into the rules. In other words a man must use some of his shared parental leave within a set time frame or else he will loose the right to it altogether. In most cases this was done because men didn’t take up their leave because they had fears their employer may disapprove if he took a lengthy break to be with the children.

Dads need to fight for a better deal

No such clause exists in the UK’s rules. Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has already said such a move may need to be considered.

If implemented, this may deal with two issues in one go. Firstly, it would put employers in the position where they had to accept that men are likely to take some time off following the birth of a child. Secondly, it would put men and women on a more equal footing and make it more difficult for either party to refuse to share the parental leave.

I believe the next battle we will need to fight is to get a “use it or lose” it clause into the shared parental leave rules. This, I’m afraid, is a battle that us guys will need to fight.

Before signing off, let me repeat what I said at the start; I think shared parental leave is a great thing. It’s a major step in the right direction. To use a cliché, Rome wasn’t built in a day and over the waters in the Republic of Ireland men still only get two weeks of unpaid paternity leave. This shows how far the UK has travelled compared to some nearby neighbours. I simply think we need to accept the new rules, great though they are, will need revising to bring about even greater parity.

—Photo: flickr/Wrote 

John Adams is a married stay at home dad with two young daughters. He was previously a journalist and PR / communications professional but gave this up in 2010 to be a homemaker and look after the children.

In 2012 he launched a parenting blog focused on his experiences as a “man that holds the babies” called Dadbloguk.com  and he now writes for a variety of different publications in addition to his own blog and writes regular articles for insideMAN.

In the run up to launch of the film Down Dog on 14 February, insideMAN is running a series of articles about fatherhood and we’d love you to get involved. You can join the conversation on twitter by using the hashtag #MenBehavingDADly; leave a comment in the section below or email us with your thoughts and ideas for articles to insideMANeditor@gmail.com.

For more information about the film see www.downdogfilm.com

10 Great British writers on men’s issues you should read keep an eye on in 2015

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As Christmas approaches and 2014 draws to a close, our news editor Glen Poole lists some of his favourite writers on UK men’s issues.

As I drew up this list I was struck at how vibrant the conversation about men’s issues has become in the past year. This is partly because of the growth of online media like the wonderful insideMAN (of course); partly because more people who have been around the men’s movement for years are taking time to publish their thinking and partly because there are (I think), more people than ever before engaged in conversations by, for and about men in the UK and worldwide.

This is good news and I for one would love to see this list of writers growing exponentially in 2015. If we are to tackle the many different issues affecting men and boys  then it is vital that we build a critical mass of people who are informed about men’s issues and engaged in conversations that make a difference.

If you don’t write yourself, you can still play your part by reading, commenting on and sharing what these writers have to say. You could also become a writer yourself in 2015 and share your thinking with the world. If you have an idea for an article then why not get in touch with insideMAN? Make it your resolution for next year.

Also,  if there are people writing about men’s issues that you admire and think we should be aware of do please let us know in the comments section.

Enough of the preamble. Here, in no particular order, is my list of favourite UK men’s issues writers from 2014:

1. Ally Fogg

If you don’t know him yet, Ally Fogg is a left-wing social commentator who has carved a regular slot for himself at The Guardian’s Comment Is Free section where he has become their “go to guy” for men’s issues. While he writes on various subjects, his dedication to the gender conversation is such that he blogs regularly on the subject at Freethought Blogs where a lively debate is guaranteed under each article. I admire Ally for his rigour in digging through research and statistics that others don’t bother with and for  attempting to view each argument on its merits rather that from a position of ideological prejudice—and he’s a lefty so you can generally rely on him to see the world from a “patriarchy hurts men too” perspective.

Classic Ally Fogg article: The five little words that betrayed Emma Watson 

2. Neil Lyndon

2014 has seen the welcome return of Neil Lyndon to the “men’s issues” debate with regular contributions at Telegraph Men. Neil was one of the first men to dare to put forward the radical idea that men and boys, as a gender, experience sexism, discrimination and inequality. This simple idea is still as radical today as it was over 20 years ago when he first published his seminal work on men women, No More Sex War. He is older, perhaps more socially conservative than Fogg and while he is more connected to men’s issues on a personal level seems to have less understanding of how social policy on gender is practically delivered. However, he is no ranting, irrational misogynist; he is a rigorous and intellectual commentator whose writings provide a vital, counter-cultural viewpoint from the frontline of gender politics.

Classic Neil Lyndon article: Abortion: why aren’t men allowed a say? 

3. Duncan Fisher

I’ve know Duncan longer than anyone on this list as he commissioned my first ever article about “men’s issues” nearly 15 years ago, for  a website called Fathers Direct (a project that became the Fatherhood Institute). Duncan is the most pro-feminist man on this list. He believes that men’s equal participation in parenting is key to delivering equality for women, but rather than taking the finger wagging “why don’t men pull their weight” approach, he proudly advocates for the benefits of involved parenthood and highlights the barriers that prevent men from having an equal opportunity to be an involved parent. I find Duncan’s “Mums and Dads Net” facebook page a useful source of articles I wouldn’t otherwise find and have to commend him for producing the most popular insideMAN article of 2014—four reasons feminism is alienating teenage boys.

Classic Duncan Fisher article: “Do men do their fare share of housework?” This is a sexist statement.

4. Chris  Good 

In contrast to the old hands like Fisher, Fogg and Lyndon; Chris Good is a newcomer who’s made his mark in the past few months. At the risk of sounding like Louis Walsh on the X-Factor—he reminds me of a young Neil Lyndon. He seems raw from  personal experience and driven to make sense of the debate around gender and find a way to make it work for both men and women (as demonstrated by the name of his blog is All For Equality). Chris has taken a stand against the feminist narrative around gender and writes in an open, vulnerable and honest way as a man who seems to be evolving and defining his own gender politics as he writes. He gained some notoriety this year by having his articles removed from the newly formed Huffington Post Men, but more interesting than this incident is the intelligent way he responded to it (see classic Good below):

Classic Chris Good vlog: Feminism has the power to silence opposition in the media

5. Martin Daubney 

Just like Chris Good, Martin Daubney has the sense of a writer who’s developing his gender politics and working out his perspective with each new article. Like Chris, he’s critical of feminism, but not coming from an entrenched anti-feminist perspective, rather questioning feminist perspectives on gender and inviting discussion and debate. Daubney has the additional advantage of a having an existing track record as a journalist and editor as the longest serving editor of Loaded magazine. He has been writing on men’s issues at Telegraph Men throughout 2014.

Classic Martin Daubney article: Why men have a problem with the word feminism 

6. Dan Bell

Dan’s my partner in crime at insideMAN and has been pushing mainstream media outlets to talk about men’s issues as a journalist for several years now, having worked for both BBC and ITN online (amongst others). Dan’s writing is rooted in journalistic integrity and you can rely on him to bring rigour and balance to his writing about men’s issues as his investigative work into funding for men’s health initiatives revealed in 2012. However, the writing I most enjoy from Dan happens when he puts himself into the story whether that’s visiting a military rehabilitation centre, recalling a fight between two women or reflecting on a conversation about boys between mothers on  a London bus.

Classic Dan Bell article: Why Kitchener’s finger gives me the arsehole

7. Karen Woodall 

The only woman on this list and deservedly so. Karen works on the frontline with men and women who are alienated from their children after separation is groundbreaking. She’s had her mind on the challenges of gender inequality for years and after decades of approaching life as a proud feminist, she is now a born again anti feminist. I don’t listen too carefully to her passionate anti-feminist tirades—like a scorned lover I know she only has bad things to say about feminism—but her writing about the reality of working with men and women and children on the frontline of family breakdown is peerless. The world needs more Karen Woodalls! If you want to take an in depth journey into gender politics of social policy in 2015, start reading Karen’s blog on a regular basis.

Classic Karen Woodall article: Gas-lighting masculinity: the dimming of post-separation fatherhood

8. John Adams

It’s great to see the growing number of UK daddy bloggers who are taking time to record their experiences of fatherhood—many of whom you can see featured at Love All Dads. My personal favourites are those who can step back and see their experience within the context of broader gender politics. A great example is John Adams who can go from writing articles about baby changing facilities and men’s fashion ranges to interviewing Nick Clegg or an SNP representative on Scotland’s Equal Opportunities Committee. You can follow John on at Dad Blog UK.

Classic John Adams article: Discussing family friendly, flexible working with Nick Clegg 

9. Milo Yiannopoulos

Milo Yiannopoulos is a controversial journalist and entrepreneur who appears to have been drawn into the gender debate via his interest in technology. He is writing a book on GamerGate which in his words “represents a brutal clash of worlds: put-upon, basement-dwelling nerds and the bloggers and feminists who have for years been claiming that video games are hateful, misogynistic and should be censored”. As a highly intelligent, provocative and influential writer (currently writing at Breitbart and Business Insider) he has recently positioned himself as a fearsome defender of men who feel unfairly attacked by feminism. Whether he continues to write on “men’s issues” in 2015 remains to be seen.

Classic Milo Yiannopoulos article: What is ‘manspreading’ and why are people angry about it?

10. Glen Poole

I know, I know it’s highly self-congratulatory to list yourself as one of your own favourite writers (and definitely weird to refer to yourself in the third person) but I love writing about men’s issues and I do enjoy looking back on my articles from time to time, so stuff it, I’m including myself in this list. If you want to take a look at what I’ve been up to this year, you’ll find much of it here at insideMAN; my Guardian and Telegraph articles are bookmarked over at Journalisted and then there’s one article at Huffington Post Men that I may add to in the coming year.

Classic Glen Poole article: It’s International Men’s Day so let’s give men a break 

A FEW OTHER WRITERS AND WEBSITES WORTH KEEPING AN EYE ON

—Photo Credit: flickr/Jimmy Brown

Article by Glen Poole author of the book Equality For Men

If you liked this article and want to read more, follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

 

 

The privilege and sacrifice of being a stay at home dad

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Being a stay at home dad is hard work and full of rewards says daddy blogger John Adams.

—This is article #24 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

I feel blessed to be a stay at home dad. It’s a real honour to spend so much more time with my children compared to the majority of other men.

I won’t pretend there aren’t elements to my life I would change if given the opportunity. The school run springs to mind as something I could happily live without. I’d also welcome having more money and I’m desperately worried that my pension will be desperately underfunded.

Even though I have these worries, spending so much time with my kids is wonderful. If I think of the summer that’s just passed, we whiled away loads of time splashing about in a paddling pool. It’s amazing how children, let alone adults, can have so much fun with something so simple.

The small moments that make a big impression

I also have an old video stored on my phone of Helen playing in a park. The film is about three and a half years old and was shot not long after I gave up full time employment.

The film shows a magical moment. A train goes past on a nearby railway line and Helen, who was toddling down a path, stops in her tracks and says “Ooooooo, choo choo traayyynn.” The excitement in her voice is immeasurable.

In writing, that possibly doesn’t appear too impressive. It was simply one of those lovely moments I’d never have been involved with if I’d been a full time working dad.

There have been many other special moments; teaching the girls new words, encouraging Elizabeth to use a slide, baking cakes, going on ‘number hunts’ in the garden. Sure, my wife does many of these things too, but not nearly as much as I do.

Make a statement and break the rules

I won’t lie. It can be a very lonely existence. During office hours the only other person I generally get to see is my youngest daughter. As I alluded to above, it is also not a path to follow if you have a fondness for material possessions and wealth. You will be disappointed.

If, however, you want to do something that makes a statement and breaks rules, being a stay at home dad could be the route for you. You often hear mothers saying that childcare is very hard work and it’s no different being a dad. My wife often tells me I have the more demanding role and she manages a huge number of people!

It’s tough, financially hard and not always very sociable. Nonetheless it is rewarding and I wouldn’t want things any other way.

—Picture credit: Flickr/BoogaFrito

John Adams is a married stay at home dad with two young daughters. He was previously a journalist and PR / communications professional but gave this up in 2010 to be a homemaker and look after the children.

In 2012 he launched a parenting blog focused on his experiences as a “man that holds the babies” called Dadbloguk.com  and he now writes for a variety of different publications in addition to his own blog and writes regular articles for insideMAN.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

 

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

 

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

The way brands ignore and exclude dads is offensive

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In his regular column for insideMAN, UK daddy blogger, John Adams, explains how big brands ignore dads—and why it matters.

I’ve been blogging about parenthood and fathers’ issues for almost two years now. In that time I can honestly say I have seen increased recognition of the contribution fathers make as parents from retailers and manufacturers of parenting products.

I am, however, staggered at how wrong some organisations still get things. There’s a common bug bear you’ll hear from my dad blogging chums. It’s the arrival of a media release promoting an amazing, gender-neutral product that omits fathers altogether or addresses it solely to women. Interestingly, I find it’s often the bigger, more established brands that are guilty of this behaviour.

It really isn’t that uncommon to walk into a store specialising in parenting and childhood products and find all sorts of gender neutral toys on the shelves. You know the type of thing; building blocks for girls and boys, toys that are in red of purple instead of pink and blue. Look around the store, however, and you’ll see every publicity photo features images of mums and children without a dad anywhere.

I won’t name it, but one of the UK’s biggest retailers in this sector makes an amazing claim on its corporate website. According to its own bumph, it exists to provide; “products and services for mothers, mothers-to-be, babies and young children.” An odd statement for a store selling prams, car seats, changing mats, potties, baby baths and all manner of gender neutral items.

Not all brands are bad with dads 

Before I go on, let me just say some brands excel at engaging with dads and including fathers in their marketing. I want to make that point because some brands do, in fact, get the importance and relevance of fathers.

That said, a classic example of poor practice arrived in my inbox the other day. It was from a media release from a major, internationally recognised brand seeking to promote a new range of baby skincare products. The marketing bumph made no mention of fathers whatsoever and inferred that only mums deal with such issues.

When my first daughter was born, she developed a dry skin issue. I was the one to ask the health visitor what we should do about her skin, not my wife. My wife was completely committed to our child and would probably have dealt with it, but I felt this was my responsibility. After all, my other half was either attempting to breastfeed or hobbling round the house recovering from the physical trauma of a difficult birth. She wasn’t really in a state to walk to the local pharmacy so she could buy medication.

Defying gender stereotypes

I exaggerate slightly. The health visitor advised us to use olive oil and it worked perfectly. Just bear that in mind next time your new born develops dry skin. You don’t need to buy the latest product from a sexist, global pharmaceutical giant. If, however, my daughter had needed a more specialist treatment, well, it would have been me that ventured out the house to get it.

I quite often write about this kind of casual sexism towards fathers. Despite this, I can’t deny that, as part of a married couple, I am supported.

I am fortunate enough to be married to an amazing woman. I’m not the only one defying gender stereotypes in this relationship. My wife tells me she often gets strange looks and is made to feel like she’s letting her family down because, as a woman, she hasn’t sacrificed a career and continues to work full time.

Even though I’m a rarity for being male and fulfilling the main childcare and household management roles, I am not in any other kind of minority. When I speak up about the sexism I encounter as a dad that holds the babies, I’m often not thinking of myself. As I say, I have the support to deal with these situations.

Not all dads are straight and married

I’m usually thinking of the gay, adoptive dads, the widowers, the divorcee dads or dads that are non-resident for some reason. I have the greatest respect for all of these men (as I do single mothers regardless of their situation and sexuality).

I’m not saying these men require sympathy or special treatment, but they seem to be completely invisible to the big parenting brands. Even those brands that do engage with us dads tend to automatically assume we’re part of a happy, heterosexual couple. Widowers and divorcees generally don’t have that luxury.

As for gay couples, I’m staggered at how little attention parenting brands seem to pay to this demographic, especially since gay marriage was legalised. I recall once being in a room full of marketeers discussing the latest parenting trends and how to market products to mums and dads. I mentioned gay parents and there was shuffling of feet, downward glances and utter silence. The concept was clearly foreign to them.

When retailers and manufacturers pretend I don’t exist, I get annoyed. When I think of these other guys, I think the continued, mum-focused marketing of parenting products is nothing but offensive.

If you enjoyed this article, then find out what advertising expert, Tim Downs, has to say to big brands about advertising to fathers. 

More about the author:

John Adams is a married stay at home dad with two young daughters. He was previously a journalist and PR / communications professional but gave this up in 2010 to be a homemaker and look after the children.

In 2012 he launched a parenting blog focused on his experiences as a “man that holds the babies” called Dadbloguk.com  and he now writes for a variety of different publications in addition to his own blog.

Why not follow us now on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook?

—Photo from Oreo’s “The Biscuit Whisper” by Draft FCB

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How I became one of the UK’s top dad bloggers

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John Adams is one of the UK’s leading dad bloggers, here in his first post for insideMAN he describes how the casual sexism he faced as a newly stay-at-home dad inspired him to blog about fatherhood and why more dads should start to speak out.

This is an exciting moment; writing my first ever post for InsideMAN. I’ve been asked to make this a regular thing, which is fantastic news. On this occasion, the focus will be on my blogging activities and what it’s like to be a dad blogger.

Many people don’t really understand blogging. When I tell someone I write a parenting blog the reaction is often “oh, is it like Mumsnet?” There are incredible similarities between what I do and what mum bloggers do but, no, my activities are not comparable to the Internet juggernaut that is Mumsnet. I wish it were but I must concede I’m a long way off those dizzy heights.

Here’s some background about my blog, Dadbloguk.com. In 2010 I left my old job (and basically my career) to become the main carer for my eldest daughter, Helen. My wife continued to work full time and, with home life in my capable hands, her career has subsequently taken off.

As soon as I became the main carer, I noticed just how sexist the parenting world can be. I began to get very sensitive to the way people reacted to me as a father. I’ve had medical professionals inform me that I am “babysitting,” while on two memorable occasions I accompanied my wife to pre-natal appointments only to be completely ignored.

‘Nothing more than sperm donors’

I noticed a local childcare provider gave a lengthy interview to a newspaper in which she repeatedly stated her service was for “mums” and made no mention of fathers whatsoever. I also read a best-selling book from a certain education specialist that treated men as nothing more than sperm donors.

I could take no more of this. I launched Dadbloguk.com in October 2012, just a couple of weeks before my youngest daughter was born. Initially my aim was to write solely about my experiences as a man who is the homemaker and main childcare provider.

I wrote posts about the casual sexism I faced. I also called on men to rally to this cause as, ultimately, only we can change the parenting world. There is no reason for a man to feel out of place in a school playground and there is no reason why men should not work in childcare. I’ve written about both subjects and had great responses when I have tackled them.

Just to expand on that point, the early years childcare workforce in the UK is only 2% male. We hear a lot from Government ministers and other commentators about the glass ceilings women face in the workforce.

Shining a light

I don’t wish to make light of the barriers women face. Unfortunately, however, we don’t hear much from the same commentators about getting men to work in childcare, nursing or primary education. There is a big inconsistency in the way society considers these issues and being a dad blogger gives me an opportunity to shine a light on such things.

Over time my blog has evolved. I’ve learned more about blogging and the skills required to make my small corner of the Internet popular with search engines. These days I blog about all types of things; education, pregnancy, birth, looking after my daughters’ hair, how to ensure the children lead an active lifestyle and so on. Having invested in camera equipment, I also post photographic-focused blog articles and I will write product reviews and run the occasional competition.

One of my great loves is clothes and style. When I launched the blog I purposefully chose not to write about this as I thought it might be considered lightweight. Over time, however, I realised that mum bloggers have no issues whatsoever with writing about feminism one day and floral print dresses the next. I wanted to gate crash the party and so I added a men’s style section to the blog, plus sections dedicated to family days out and family finances.

‘Our numbers are growing’

The enlightened product and service providers are keen to work with bloggers such as myself. They recognise that a father’s perspective is very useful when marketing to families. Men are increasingly involved with raising their children so including dads in the marketing mix is the smart thing to do.

With a couple of years experience behind me and a broadened focus, I recently took the blog professional. It is now a source of income to me and one that I run at home from my dining table. It’s not bringing in millions so I shan’t be retiring and buying a condo in Miami any time soon, but it is great for fitting round the kids and makes a profit. Essentially this is a second career for me and I’m making a real go of it.

Quite a few mum bloggers have been running profitable, appealing websites for some time now. I think it’s fantastic, they write great, popular material and fit it round their family commitments.

Rather like nursing, childcare and primary education, the number of dads writing professional parenting blogs is tiny. That said, we do exist and our numbers our growing. Who knows, one of these days my blog might grow to the same size as Mumsnet. Nothing wrong with a bit of ambition.

Are you a new mum or dad who recognises the attitudes John describes? Are you a dad who’s got lots to say about their experiences? What do you think needs to change to change for mums and dads to be seen on equal footing by parenting and childcare professionals? Please tell us in a comment or a tweet.

More about the author:

John Adams is a married stay at home dad with two young daughters. He was previously a journalist and PR / communications professional but gave this up in 2010 to be a homemaker and look after the children.

In 2012 he launched a parenting blog focused on his experiences as a “man that holds the babies” called Dadbloguk.com. It was a success and he now writes for a variety of different publications in addition to his own blog.

Cision media monitoring database cites him as one of the UK’s five-most influential dad bloggers and he was shortlisted in the Commentary and Campaigns category of the 2014 Brilliance in Blogging awards.

If you want to read some fantastic dad blogs, we thoroughly suggest you take a look at http://lovealldads.co.uk which is essentially a show-case of fatherhood blogs. Run as a collective, there is also a weekly podcast during which fatherhood and parenting issues are discussed.

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