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Three insideMAN book contributors to speak at Being A Man festival

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Three of the fantastic writers who contributed to the insideMAN book are to speak at the Being A Man festival at London’s Southbank Centre this weekend.

The three-day festival, which aims to “address the challenges and pressures of masculine identity in the 21st century”, will feature former Loaded editor and Telegraph Men columnist Martin Daubney; Leading men’s personal development practitioner, Kenny D’Cruz and the man who coined the term “metrosexual”, writer and journalist Mark Simpson.

Daubney will lead an afternoon mentoring session and appear on a panel discussion addressing the impact of pornography; D’Cruz, known as ‘The Man Whisperer’, will feature as one of the speakers in “Bam Bites”, to talk about what it means to be a more authentic man; and Simpson will appear on a panel discussion entitled, Mad Men, X Men and Grand Theft Auto, to explore what impact the limited depictions of men in the media may be having on men in real life.

Each writer has fascinating and challenging contributions in the insideMAN book. Daubney’s article, White Male Football Fans: The Scum it’s Great to Hate, unpicks the double standards and prejudices of the mainstream media towards working class white men; D’Cruz’s article, The Day I Realised I’d Married My Wife into a Lifetime of Racism, explores his heartbroken response to racist abuse towards his wife while they were on their honeymoon; while Simpson’s article, Crisis? What Crisis?, is a razor-sharp, not to mention very funny, dissection of the objectification of the modern male body.

To read these powerful stories and many more buy the insideMAN book here!

Now in its second year, the festival will take place from Friday 27th November to Sunday 29th November at London’s Southbank Centre.

The festival is billed as “a frank, thoughtful and often humorous look at the challenges, pressures, myths and pleasures around being born a male in today’s society. Traditional roles are changing and yet for many expectations of what makes a ‘proper man’ remain intact.”

Discussions slated for the weekend include, “everything from fatherhood to fitness, depression to racial stereotypes, the power of sport, the complications of monogamy, pornography, violence, the importance of banter and why James Bond won’t die!”

You can see each of the insideMAN book’s great writers speak in the flesh at the following times during the weekend:

  • Mark Simpson on media portrayals of men: Saturday, Level 5 Function Room at Royal Festival Hall 12.30pm – 1.30pm
  • Martin Daubney’s porn debate: Saturday, Level 5 Function Room at Royal Festival Hall 3.30pm – 4.30pm
  • Kenny D’Cruz’s exploration of what it means to be a more authentic man: Sunday, Festival Village under Queen Elizabeth Hall 12.30pm – 1.30pm

For more information about the Being A Man festival, including a full schedule of events and how to buy tickets, visit the festival website here.

The day I was tricked into discussing premature ejaculation on national TV

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Two weeks ago my best friends and I gathered around a TV set and watched ourselves die.

Not literally, of course. We appeared on Channel 4’s Cutting Edge documentary ‘The Secret Life of The Pub’, which claimed to reveal what men talk about when women aren’t in the room.

They edited well for their audience, but they didn’t do us any favours in the way we were presented, or in the way the interactions of a men’s groups were portrayed.  Our depth of connection ended up on the cutting room floor, along with our real life experiences and any nuggets of wit and wisdom we’d hoped to have shared. Meanwhile, methods of prolonging ejaculation (thinking about the dinner ladies at school) and ways of managing life-long phantom erections ended up cutting us up. Yes, we cringed and squirmed with embarrassment.

The electric buzz of fear we shared beforehand was priceless! We felt like men on a mission, an honourable quest, a band of brothers facing the unknown. We could fly together after this, but we also somehow knew we were going to die together.

I’m A Wonderful Thing Baby

The last time we shared such a buzz was when we were hiding behind the stage curtains at my wedding waiting for our cue. We surprised my new wife and all our guests with our narcissistic boy-band choreographed moves to Kid Creole and the Coconuts’ “I’m A Wonderful Thing Baby”, with minimal rehearsal and with all eyes upon us. Somehow we knew we could pull it off and we’d be heroes for it!

So the Channel 4 thing has come and gone and now forms one panel on my life’s tapestry of weird and wonderful experiences, alongside working with Mother Teresa with the dying in Calcutta, walking on hot coals and shark feeding in Fiji during mating season.

Why did we agree to do it? One answer clarified in my mind the very next morning.

I was up early to trek across London to attend a seminar on how to engage older men. Few issues are closer to my heart than men, our mental and emotional wellbeing, communication, depression, isolation and reducing the escalating suicide figures. No one there had watched the show, not even my two elder men’s group friends, who had recorded the show and gone to bed. So this was a safe space to re-engage with normal life and let the confusing buzz of the previous night pass.

‘Men must be stupid then!’

We soon found out that this seminar was not a safe space to be male. As the issue of why men don’t go for regular prostate examinations arose, one female care worker proclaimed “…men must be stupid then!”

This was allowed to pass by the ineffectual facilitator, so I took him to task. However even when said woman apologised, she was immediately appeased with “Don’t be so daft, there’s no need to apologise here!”

I couldn’t help wondering how this type of dismissive, condescending attitude contributed to engaging older men. Or to engaging men at all?

At another point my well mannered elderly male friend used a swearword. He was being expressive rather than aggressive, but he was chastised for his language and left humiliated. I wondered whether men are seen as dangerous and therefore there is a widespread cultural move towards our domestication. Neutered like unruly cats?

Better Icarus than Gollum

I made the point that older men don’t need to be saved, patronised, smothered or told off for not complying. As a 50-year-old with over a quarter of a century’s experience of working with men I made the point that we need space to basically exist. To be met where we are, express and operate from the ways our minds work and not have to fight for airspace.

If being part of any community means selling out on ourselves, allowing our spirits to be broken or having to deal with passive-aggression, aggression, humiliation or abandonment, then I for one will isolate and have some safe space to myself!

I entered both the TV show and the workshop with the same aim. I had hoped that some good might come to men, sharing what men’s groups have to offer, doing our bit to open spaces where men can express ourselves authentically as we step up to healthier lives and contributions of value to our communities. Would I take the risk of humiliation before the eyes of millions again? Without a doubt, yes – I’d rather fly towards to sun and risk getting my wings singed than crawl around in pointless safety.

Man’s nature is to fix things. People, shelves, situations. Men often believe that women tell us about their issues because they want solutions. I have had to learn to control this urge and stay in the helpless pain of a conversation as my wife debriefs her day with both passion and pain. She generally wants a listener, not a fixer. I have learned to ask “Would you like me to listen, or come up with solutions?” To be there, to simply listen and to understand is generally as much of a hero as she needs.

Hoodwinked.

For me, and older men in particular, the same principle often applies. Yes, sometimes we men do need to be fixed. The men around me are growing better at asking for support when we need it. But often we just need to be heard, and we cannot be heard unless we take opportunities to speak.

Last month ‘Newsweek’ wrote The Man Whisperer chapter about my work with men’s groups in their new book. I have been successfully running my men’s groups for over a dozen years now and am currently writing my how-to-run-a-men’s-group handbook. I have made our Check-in Round and Ground Rules freely available.

Ground Rule 12 (of 12) is entitled Live Beyond The Rules:

Boyish rebellion might be less efficient than manly exploration. Playing small to be liked in the group may be less valuable than playing big, possibly being challenged and growing with the experience. Explore your survival rules, restrictions and our boundaries to claim your authentic perspective and position in your life.

I’ll shamelessly continue to take risks, spread my wings and fly. Out of the shadows and into the light.

Before the we started filming for the TV show, a female researcher came in and told us: “You are our most articulate group on the show and we really want you to demonstrate how you can switch from emotional conversations with depth, to light conversations of erections and ejaculation control.” Hoodwinked, the joke was on us!

Yes, I’d do it again. They had a job to do, as I have a purpose to live. As millions now know, you can’t keep a good man down!

Photo credit: Flickr/Al King

By Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz

Kenny’s group facilitation handbook: ‘How to run a men’s group’ will be out this year with full training programmes to follow. Contact him to stay in the loop and receive free chapters, updates, special offers, exclusive invitations, video tutorials, demonstrations and blogs for a better life.

If you liked this article you’ll love our upcoming #insideMANbook — to find out more, add your email to the sign-up form on the right and follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook 

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Why I asked the ‘Newsweek’ journalist when he last ejaculated

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I spent many hours chatting to Newsweek journalist Finlay Young, even before he joined in one of our men’s groups. Fin had asked if he could meet up to help with a ‘Newsweek’ cover story article he was writing — they had included my comment and picture, plus The Man Whisperer chapter, in the latest ‘Newsweek’ book about the crisis of male suicide, entitled ‘The Descent of Man’.

For all our lengthy and fascinating discussions about modern masculinity and mental health, there was clearly one simple question that most caught Fin’s attention, and perhaps the attention of his readers as well:

“I was asked my age (29), my name (Finlay), my Western Sign (Libra), my Chinese sign (unknown), and the last time I ejacula … Sorry what? I am a man. I am a man who is not scared of his emotions. But I did not think I was a man who would ever sit in a circle at MenSpeak with Kenny D and talk about when I last ejaculated.”

At MenSpeak men’s groups, men show up with who we really are, beyond old restrictions. We laugh, listen and grow together. We are accepting, accountable, share experiences and feelings. The key is knowing when to ask the right questions, often responding to hidden invitations that shine between the lines of what’s actually said.

‘Why are you asking me this?’

The object of the exercise is to find out who you no longer need to (pretend to) be in the world and your life and let it go, making space for who you really are to emerge and give him a good test-drive amongst other men. It’s about building a bridge from the best of who you are into the world, rather than the group being a safe little haven away from the big bad world. We change our worlds and make the world a better place in the way we live our lives.

We open MenSpeak to the men in the room with a ‘check-in round’, so everyone’s voice is heard and we have an idea of who, what and why is in the room – including elephants. The tone is set and our boundaries are subtly stated. This is essential. It helps to define a point where we feel safe to meet each other in our stories and revelations.

The question ‘The last time I ejaculated…’ opens the floor to all sorts of issues. Most obviously it may open curtains on issues of sex and sexual expression, physiological problems, potential health issues and addictive habits and of course relationship difficulties. Equally importantly, it also flushes out the occasional defensive reaction: “Why are you asking me this?”

The question is but one of twelve which get us started on every open MenSpeak men’s group. Perhaps someone would not understand why I would ask that question unless they also understand why I ask all such questions. If you are interested, let me explain.

‘I’m fine!’

Questions begin with the man to my left, unless it’s his first group, then we move on around the circle to his left where man might simply say “pass”, to move us on to the next man.

‘My name is…’ is the obvious place to start and breaks the separation of the men. Some men enter the room and shake everyone’s hand introducing themselves. Others don’t. Both choices are fine. First, full, or false name for the evening, it’s not an issue.

Secondly, ‘I feel…’ which can sometimes take time to get to, as men begin to feel how they feel and tell the truth. Others are immediately “fine!” which is sometimes challenged, other times allowed by, while that man settles in and feels respected and safe to explore what’s behind ‘fine’. (I’ve heard it said that “FINE” is an acronym for F**ked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotionally unavailable).

Many are gently invited to focus on their breathing and move from thinking to feeling. It’s not about getting the answer right or being caught out, it’s about being present with what’s going on for a while and getting real, making space for pennies to drop, options to appear and life to provide.

‘So… What’s your sign?’

‘What I want from this evening…’ is the landing pad question for every man to take ownership. Men state why we are here. For some it is an urgent, burning issues, for others mild curiosity or a wish to explore male company with depth. Some feel as if they have outgrown the boy’s life and are in need of some man tips, tools and techniques for living. Often one senses that something heavy is being carried and the bearer will make it to the table once the legs have been tested and found strong enough to take it. So we all name our needs and take responsibility for getting them met, whilst probably hoping for the group, or facilitator to take an interest and help meet those needs.

‘Age / Chinese sign / Western sign…’ Often gets the eyes rolling, but is great for those who have issues with their age, while allowing a space for “I don’t believe in all that rubbish!” rebellion in the room as our collective authority is challenged and shared beyond the facilitator. Some know that “38, Virgo, Dragon” is their simple answer but are eager to hear from everyone else and see what happens next in this live game of show-and-tell for men. Groups like this often toe a line between the touchy-feely-esoteric, and the logical-linear-scientific problem solvers at this stage. This question helps to marry those two dynamics so they pull together rather than pulling us apart.

‘Single / partner / married / divorced / player / on the market / parent / other’ leaves space for stories of loneliness, split-parenthood with access issues, “my wife sent me here!”, I’m a sex addict / sex starved, don’t know how to not be my short-tempered father to my son. Relationship status and shadow stories are touched upon to invite hearts and hurts into our circle.

‘My greatest fear right now…’

Is it flippant to throw ‘Sexuality…’ straight in there so early? Maybe a man is here to explore sexuality issues that are best closeted for now, or until there’s safe, consistent space in a closed group to unpack sexualised shadows. We name it from the outset, put it aside, get on the same side with the dominant and the shy, the straight and the gay, the experienced and the virginal swapping tips, advice and guidance.

The ‘Ground Rules’ clearly states that this is not a therapy group, not an encounter group, not a w*nk group or a place to pick up men for sex, not a group for or against men or women, not a religious or spiritual group, not a political group, not a group of anything apart from whatever the men present make it. Such boundaries are designed to keep our circle clean and free of expectation and ulterior motives.

Another eye-roller is ‘Favourite piece of clothing / label / gadget…’ which allows people to express individuality, nonchalance, love of the Leatherman pen knife, an i-something, power tool, or the dapper designs of Paul Smith. It is so important to throw a couple of annoying questions in the mix, to balance the power in the room and prepare for shockers, like ‘the ejaculation question’ that instantly changes tone from the safety of insufferable questions like this one!

Question nine (of twelve) is ‘My greatest fear, right now…’ With cages rattled and shadows cast, we dive deeper. Men might disclose their greatest fear in life, their greatest fantasy, or their greatest fear in this present moment. Some are here because they are living their greatest fear, so we are straight into the thick of things. The ‘right now’ part of this question is a key, designed to explore from the present, beyond pain from the past and fear of the future.

‘The last time I cried…’

Then comes ‘I hate…’ which gives space to spillages of honesty where the unspeakable is spoken and cats roam far outside of their bags. Often men express how strong the word ‘hate’ is and how they don’t go there, then they offer niggles, narks and nuisances instead. However, as the floor is opened to the bottom-line, strong opinions and deeply-buried obsessions begin to spill out with various proportions of confession, performance and showmanship. Often it is as if the group is at once donning and discarding the myriad masks of masculinity: Hero; victim; savior; mummy’s boy; martyr; monkey; lion or mouse.

‘I love…’ follows naturally, now the air has been cleared and space is opened to the free sharing of life’s loves: Self; wife; kids; quiet; money; a peaceful life; dog; smoking; sometimes nothing.

‘I am…’ is a right humdinger to end the check-in round. ‘I am’ are the most powerful words from which we create who we are and who we want to be. Again, this is not a trick question, but an opportunity for self-awareness and realignment into the here and now, with opportunity to adjust sails to catch more favorable winds in this world.

I’ve run many mixed groups and even women’s groups. Ejaculation didn’t quite hit the spot with the women, so I replaced it with ‘The last time I cried…’ and it works a treat!

I do ring my bell in darkness for two minutes at the beginning and at the end of a group, as ‘Newsweek’ Fin slowly counted down beyond the thirteen reverberating seconds that took us into quiet space. Only once in over a dozen years of holding the space for men’s groups has a man asked where men go in the silence. Two minutes can feel like a long time. Some meditated, some pretended to meditate, some power-thought (because they thought that’s what meditation is), some looked around at everyone and possibly freaked out a bit inside.

I usually take some slow deep breaths, concentrate on relaxing into my body as I get present in the room in this circle of men around the wee flame in the middle. I find my own space from the thoughts, feelings and niggles of the day, getting here and now with myself and the other men in the room, in this moment. Our space.

By Kenny D’Cruz

Kenny’s group facilitation handbook: “How to run a men’s group” will be out this year with full training programmes to follow. Contact him to stay in the loop and receive free chapters, updates, special offers, exclusive invitations, video tutorials, demonstrations and blogs for a better life.

“I understand why Kenny D, for his eccentricity, is a very good person for them to see. He sensitively prodded and cajoled, smiled and provoked, and almost in spite of myself I found myself talking honestly. He is a gentle voice in the ears of the many men who come to him for help with life – a man whisperer.” Finlay Young (Newsweek)

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My wife married a ni**er!

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Kenny D’Cruz shares how his honeymoon took an unexpected turn when he was racially abused in front of his new wife.

—This is article #74 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

“Did I call you a liar? At least I’m not a ni**er and I work for a living!” was my Italian wife’s first real racist ‘attack’, behind my back, from the car rental man in a deserted Santorini Airport as we arrived around midnight for our honeymoon.

Here’s what I learned from this:

1. I will not allow my wife to be abused, threatened or insulted. As a child I allowed racial abuse to cut me, break my spirit, embarrass me – and I let it go. I was told that ‘if the people of the town that we had moved to (as Goan, Ugandan refugees) didn’t like us, then we’d have to move and we have no where else to go’. So best turn the other cheek like a good Catholic boy and understand their need to try out some of the hilarious racist material that was commonplace in ‘70s media; and that those who felt that they were the lowest in society might need somewhere to pass on the abuse and feel better about themselves.

2. I can’t truly protect my wife, or anyone else from abuse, pain, fear, the things that I don’t wish them to feel. I’m an old-fashioned man who likes to protect and provide. I’m a modern-day man who shows up with an open heart. I cried in the bathroom as my wife slept in our honeymoon bed, realising that I’d married her into a life of racism and potential danger. I don’t bottle things up as much as I used to, I now have more space for love.

3. I will stand up for my wife, my self and what I believe is right, meeting what I believe needs changing head-on. Neither my wife or I were brought up in families who quite knew how to stand up for ourselves and it has cost us all dearly. This is where our limiting family habits stops and the family curse is broken. So I didn’t make my wife’s backhanded racist abuse okay by brushing it under the carpet, as some suggested.

My wife and I don’t want the man punished, sacked or harmed in any way. We want him to be accountable for what he said and educated around the consequences of bullying, abuse, and what might be best said out of the public ear. The fact that he said this to my wife, behind my back, felt to me like an adult who would physically abuse someone vulnerable like a child or an elder without leaving marks as evidence.

4. In some cultures use of ‘the n word’ is still acceptable. All it took in school was for someone to call me a ni**er and I was shut up in an instant with no comeback. For some it was hilarious! So I played small, played safe and lived in fear of it, laughing it off the few times it pierced my spirit.

I was astounded when the rental firm initially said that my wife must have misheard and he might have said “At least I’m not a ‘beggar’.” Then they came back with ‘he was referring to himself, “…working like a ni**er’.”

5. The nicest people can have bad days, leaky shadows, snap at the final straw and lose control as ‘the red mist’ takes over. I am sure that ‘Grandpa’ who ‘served’ us is a lovely old man who delights at spreading holiday happiness and joy. He badgered my wife for an extra 50 euros as she tried to explain that she’d paid an excess fee before boarding the plane. He wanted his extra money and I stopped his insistence asking “Are you calling my wife a liar?” and that’s when the red mist fell. For an eternity we fiercely stared each other out to near breaking point. I know, from childhood experience, how the red mist can take a person over.

6. I learned to step back, allow breathing space and put someone else’s needs before my fight for justice. He finally showed us a document with 25 euros in red, which was true. I thought it best for me to step back and let my wife deal with the admin avoiding things turning nasty. He asked my wife “Did I call you a liar? At least I’m not a ni**er and I work for a living!” shocking and scary. She didn’t tell me what he’d said until we were in the car. I knew she wanted to just leave and feel safe again.

7. People, corporations, bullies, etc. will get away with whatever they can without admitting liability. I wonder whether the car rental firm were obliged to avoid admitting what happened and therefore any liability? We never got to hear Grandpa’s version of what happened and feel like we’ve been sent from pillar to post by the firm without anyone really taking this on and dealing with it until my Rottweiler persistence and ten weeks later, when our car hire fee was refunded ‘as a gesture of good will’. This incident took over our honeymoon, my 50th birthday celebrations, our thoughts and emotions. My wife spent our honeymoon dreading coming face-to-face with her abuser again. I don’t feel the good will.

8. My pain is my choice and it’s something that others might find uncomfortable. As do I, as I learn and grow from it. I wanted to sit in the reality of what had ruined our feelings of safety in this foreign country, even though other people were very nice to us in Santorini. Were they just pretending? What were they really thinking? Are my wife and I safe? I was grateful for this fearful space that my new wife and I could get real in, rather than brush under the carpet to fester and follow us around, occasionally rearing its ugly head for us to look in the eye and eventually face. We sat with this with gratitude that it had come up now, as we look to buy our first property together, to be aware of neighbours and neighbourhoods. I felt that if we didn’t take the opportunity to lay a boundary on how we will be treated now, then we will surely have to do it later. So as we laid the boundary and have set ourselves up for a life of love and safety.

9. The sooner pain is named, the sooner pain can be released. Half way through my email exchanges with the firm, my wife took over, as she was ready to deal with it herself: after all the offending words were said to her while she was alone and vulnerable. This honeymoon parasite was released as she named it, allowing the story to separate from us.

I always tell the men in my men’s groups and my private clients that the way I organize my priorities is to do whatever relieves the most pressure first. Easy to say, but that might be where the most fear, pain, avoidance, trauma or even liberation lies. Who would I be without my story? My wife needed her time to be ready to write it down and out of her and move things on, as I am doing now. When it’s time – it’s time. What a relief!

10. I learned that the experiences and stories from my past can still haunt me, if the nerve is touched. As I name them, l let them go and make space for more goodness in my life.I was raised in a small, Catholic, Portuguese-influenced bubble that was happily lost in time until Idi Amin so shockingly popped it. I’ve probably been called a ni**er more than I’ve been called anything else. I’m ‘officially’ not black enough to claim that hallowed title and was certainly not black enough for Idi Amin!

Post refugee camps we were brought up in a small town in West Wales with wonderful neighbours in a generally accepting community – we were the only coloured family there for a long time. We fled Amin’s Secret Service losing everything, including my father for nine months.

One day a man showed up at our house with a load of furniture, old toys, books, all sorts of things including a very old set of encyclopedias where I found a section on how black natives were more like animals than civilized white people and how they should be treated. I wondered what the people in our community really thought about us. Some local children thought that my father might eat them if they behaved badly, others thought we were ‘red Indians’ and searched behind and under our furniture for hidden bows and arrows.

I remember Alex Haley’s book ‘Roots’ taking the screens by storm in the 1970s and I could see the noose hanging from the tree in my minds eye as I cried in our bathroom in Greece. (Totally illogical, but try explaining that to the traumatised little boy inside of me). That hanging noose has always scared me and I remember not telling my family about what I saw in the encyclopedia and fretting about how I would protect them if the locals got ideas and turned on us. How will I protect my wife?

I was physically attacked in the changing rooms on my first day of secondary school and another boy – who was used to fighting and didn’t risk expulsion from the community – took the attacker on and nothing more was said of it by the teachers or other kids. Changing rooms were humiliating and I felt like Joseph Merrick ‘The Elephant Man’ because of distant examination and perfectly innocent, though embarrassing questioning.

I missed out on normal boyhood fun and games. I’ve caught up in my later years and I’ve turned into the healthy, self-respecting man that I feel that I now am, happily married and loving my London life, transforming the shadows of my psyche into the gold of walking a conscious path, with my wife by my side. Shame it cost our honeymoon, but good thing we rented that car!

Kenny D’Cruz was described by the Daily Express as a “coach, consultant and guru of all things men…” He helps turn lost boys into self-empowered men on a purposeful, passionate pathway of self-awareness – with a few long sessions for a quick, sustainable turnaround. He’s run men’s groups for 15 years (currently in Camden Town and South Kensington and has achieved great success with private individual and corporate clients for 25 years. Find out more about his work at www.kennydcruz.com.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Even James Bond needs men’s groups

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I lead a men’s group in London called the Men’s Action Project (MAP). It’s all about helping the men who are part of the group to achieve their goals.

From releasing a first album, getting a job promotion and launching a business to mastering cookery, passing a driving tests and learning new martial arts skills; the men who come to MAP are walking the walk. But it wasn’t always like this.

–This is article #64 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

My early years of adulthood weren’t great, but by applying various personal development techniques I’d learnt from books, I lifted myself out of my mid-twenties crisis. Back then I was a personal development version of James Bond, doing what men are supposed to do – going it alone! With my new powers and focus I could manifest anything I wanted. In search of goal achievement glory I ran a marathon, nailed promotion and travelled around the world for a year.

Then something shifted…

When I returned however something was very different. The post-travel blues set in as I felt myself being sucked into a very different type of crisis. Setting goals and taking action still brought results but something was missing. I tried explaining to my parents and friends that I was facing some challenges. But who wanted to hear from a man who was struggling because, he wasn’t (after a whole year) travelling around the world anymore!

Then something shifted. I was listening to a podcast called ‘The New Man’ and the host Tripp Lanier was talking about men’s groups. I was inspired. The moment I took my ear plugs out I knew I’d found my next step. The next chapter in my growth was not something I could do on my own. It was time for even Bond to admit, he needed help from others. I immediately began my search and through the internet found Kenny D’Cruz’s men’s group – Menspeak. I liked the sound of what he was offering and without hesitation signed up to a meeting later that month.

After just one meeting I knew I had found the place where I was finally going to get some answers. To share my feelings and be properly listened to felt fantastic and the experience of getting authentic feedback invaluable. Feedback devoid of conditional, pre-defined projections of who I was, was worth it’s worth in gold. It was refreshing to hear I wasn’t the only one who struggled. It turns out even Jaws and Goldfinger feel insecure and get angry with themselves sometimes too. Sharing experiences with other men gave me a deeper understanding of where in my psychology current challenges were coming from. By sharing them in this way, I felt clear and able to move on.

‘Missions and Goals’

It was when Kenny mentioned Missions and Goals at a meeting I realised the next stage of my quest. With my personal development knowledge there was a place in the men’s group arena for a new type of group. Kenny’s groups were about self-awareness and being, whereby my group was to provide a complimentary focus on the doing side with support, group accountability and a plan. After undertaking research at Glen Poole’s excellent National Conference for Men & Boys (and with Kenny’s valued support) I established the Men’s Action Project (The MAP) in Feb 2012.

Every month of facilitation was a learning curve as we moved through the process and I was amazed at the successes and life changes gained. On completion of my first six-monthly MAP process, participants celebrated their results including; a job promotion, smoking kicked to the curb and a weight loss/fitness goal knocked out of the park.

Over the past three years I ran another two processes with similar successes. To increase accessibility to the service this year I’m delivering an open meeting every fortnight . These meetings are called ‘Stepping Up’ and as the name suggests the supported MAPmen continue to do just that.

Now I’m not just going it alone. In my men’s groups I have a team of like-minded individuals to regularly discusses both internal and external challenges with. I’ve had my ups and downs, but day by day I am succeeding and learning with the support of others. I have become a far more confident, successful and ultimately happier operative than ever before.

It turns out even James Bond needs Men’s Groups after all.

To discover more about Clive Maxheath and the Men’s Action Project, visit their website here and the MAP Facebook page here. Follow Clive on Twitter @clivemaxheath

Photo: Flickr/Michael Pollack

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

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