insideMAN

Why I asked the ‘Newsweek’ journalist when he last ejaculated

by 9 Comments

I spent many hours chatting to Newsweek journalist Finlay Young, even before he joined in one of our men’s groups. Fin had asked if he could meet up to help with a ‘Newsweek’ cover story article he was writing — they had included my comment and picture, plus The Man Whisperer chapter, in the latest ‘Newsweek’ book about the crisis of male suicide, entitled ‘The Descent of Man’.

For all our lengthy and fascinating discussions about modern masculinity and mental health, there was clearly one simple question that most caught Fin’s attention, and perhaps the attention of his readers as well:

“I was asked my age (29), my name (Finlay), my Western Sign (Libra), my Chinese sign (unknown), and the last time I ejacula … Sorry what? I am a man. I am a man who is not scared of his emotions. But I did not think I was a man who would ever sit in a circle at MenSpeak with Kenny D and talk about when I last ejaculated.”

At MenSpeak men’s groups, men show up with who we really are, beyond old restrictions. We laugh, listen and grow together. We are accepting, accountable, share experiences and feelings. The key is knowing when to ask the right questions, often responding to hidden invitations that shine between the lines of what’s actually said.

‘Why are you asking me this?’

The object of the exercise is to find out who you no longer need to (pretend to) be in the world and your life and let it go, making space for who you really are to emerge and give him a good test-drive amongst other men. It’s about building a bridge from the best of who you are into the world, rather than the group being a safe little haven away from the big bad world. We change our worlds and make the world a better place in the way we live our lives.

We open MenSpeak to the men in the room with a ‘check-in round’, so everyone’s voice is heard and we have an idea of who, what and why is in the room – including elephants. The tone is set and our boundaries are subtly stated. This is essential. It helps to define a point where we feel safe to meet each other in our stories and revelations.

The question ‘The last time I ejaculated…’ opens the floor to all sorts of issues. Most obviously it may open curtains on issues of sex and sexual expression, physiological problems, potential health issues and addictive habits and of course relationship difficulties. Equally importantly, it also flushes out the occasional defensive reaction: “Why are you asking me this?”

The question is but one of twelve which get us started on every open MenSpeak men’s group. Perhaps someone would not understand why I would ask that question unless they also understand why I ask all such questions. If you are interested, let me explain.

‘I’m fine!’

Questions begin with the man to my left, unless it’s his first group, then we move on around the circle to his left where man might simply say “pass”, to move us on to the next man.

‘My name is…’ is the obvious place to start and breaks the separation of the men. Some men enter the room and shake everyone’s hand introducing themselves. Others don’t. Both choices are fine. First, full, or false name for the evening, it’s not an issue.

Secondly, ‘I feel…’ which can sometimes take time to get to, as men begin to feel how they feel and tell the truth. Others are immediately “fine!” which is sometimes challenged, other times allowed by, while that man settles in and feels respected and safe to explore what’s behind ‘fine’. (I’ve heard it said that “FINE” is an acronym for F**ked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotionally unavailable).

Many are gently invited to focus on their breathing and move from thinking to feeling. It’s not about getting the answer right or being caught out, it’s about being present with what’s going on for a while and getting real, making space for pennies to drop, options to appear and life to provide.

‘So… What’s your sign?’

‘What I want from this evening…’ is the landing pad question for every man to take ownership. Men state why we are here. For some it is an urgent, burning issues, for others mild curiosity or a wish to explore male company with depth. Some feel as if they have outgrown the boy’s life and are in need of some man tips, tools and techniques for living. Often one senses that something heavy is being carried and the bearer will make it to the table once the legs have been tested and found strong enough to take it. So we all name our needs and take responsibility for getting them met, whilst probably hoping for the group, or facilitator to take an interest and help meet those needs.

‘Age / Chinese sign / Western sign…’ Often gets the eyes rolling, but is great for those who have issues with their age, while allowing a space for “I don’t believe in all that rubbish!” rebellion in the room as our collective authority is challenged and shared beyond the facilitator. Some know that “38, Virgo, Dragon” is their simple answer but are eager to hear from everyone else and see what happens next in this live game of show-and-tell for men. Groups like this often toe a line between the touchy-feely-esoteric, and the logical-linear-scientific problem solvers at this stage. This question helps to marry those two dynamics so they pull together rather than pulling us apart.

‘Single / partner / married / divorced / player / on the market / parent / other’ leaves space for stories of loneliness, split-parenthood with access issues, “my wife sent me here!”, I’m a sex addict / sex starved, don’t know how to not be my short-tempered father to my son. Relationship status and shadow stories are touched upon to invite hearts and hurts into our circle.

‘My greatest fear right now…’

Is it flippant to throw ‘Sexuality…’ straight in there so early? Maybe a man is here to explore sexuality issues that are best closeted for now, or until there’s safe, consistent space in a closed group to unpack sexualised shadows. We name it from the outset, put it aside, get on the same side with the dominant and the shy, the straight and the gay, the experienced and the virginal swapping tips, advice and guidance.

The ‘Ground Rules’ clearly states that this is not a therapy group, not an encounter group, not a w*nk group or a place to pick up men for sex, not a group for or against men or women, not a religious or spiritual group, not a political group, not a group of anything apart from whatever the men present make it. Such boundaries are designed to keep our circle clean and free of expectation and ulterior motives.

Another eye-roller is ‘Favourite piece of clothing / label / gadget…’ which allows people to express individuality, nonchalance, love of the Leatherman pen knife, an i-something, power tool, or the dapper designs of Paul Smith. It is so important to throw a couple of annoying questions in the mix, to balance the power in the room and prepare for shockers, like ‘the ejaculation question’ that instantly changes tone from the safety of insufferable questions like this one!

Question nine (of twelve) is ‘My greatest fear, right now…’ With cages rattled and shadows cast, we dive deeper. Men might disclose their greatest fear in life, their greatest fantasy, or their greatest fear in this present moment. Some are here because they are living their greatest fear, so we are straight into the thick of things. The ‘right now’ part of this question is a key, designed to explore from the present, beyond pain from the past and fear of the future.

‘The last time I cried…’

Then comes ‘I hate…’ which gives space to spillages of honesty where the unspeakable is spoken and cats roam far outside of their bags. Often men express how strong the word ‘hate’ is and how they don’t go there, then they offer niggles, narks and nuisances instead. However, as the floor is opened to the bottom-line, strong opinions and deeply-buried obsessions begin to spill out with various proportions of confession, performance and showmanship. Often it is as if the group is at once donning and discarding the myriad masks of masculinity: Hero; victim; savior; mummy’s boy; martyr; monkey; lion or mouse.

‘I love…’ follows naturally, now the air has been cleared and space is opened to the free sharing of life’s loves: Self; wife; kids; quiet; money; a peaceful life; dog; smoking; sometimes nothing.

‘I am…’ is a right humdinger to end the check-in round. ‘I am’ are the most powerful words from which we create who we are and who we want to be. Again, this is not a trick question, but an opportunity for self-awareness and realignment into the here and now, with opportunity to adjust sails to catch more favorable winds in this world.

I’ve run many mixed groups and even women’s groups. Ejaculation didn’t quite hit the spot with the women, so I replaced it with ‘The last time I cried…’ and it works a treat!

I do ring my bell in darkness for two minutes at the beginning and at the end of a group, as ‘Newsweek’ Fin slowly counted down beyond the thirteen reverberating seconds that took us into quiet space. Only once in over a dozen years of holding the space for men’s groups has a man asked where men go in the silence. Two minutes can feel like a long time. Some meditated, some pretended to meditate, some power-thought (because they thought that’s what meditation is), some looked around at everyone and possibly freaked out a bit inside.

I usually take some slow deep breaths, concentrate on relaxing into my body as I get present in the room in this circle of men around the wee flame in the middle. I find my own space from the thoughts, feelings and niggles of the day, getting here and now with myself and the other men in the room, in this moment. Our space.

By Kenny D’Cruz

Kenny’s group facilitation handbook: “How to run a men’s group” will be out this year with full training programmes to follow. Contact him to stay in the loop and receive free chapters, updates, special offers, exclusive invitations, video tutorials, demonstrations and blogs for a better life.

“I understand why Kenny D, for his eccentricity, is a very good person for them to see. He sensitively prodded and cajoled, smiled and provoked, and almost in spite of myself I found myself talking honestly. He is a gentle voice in the ears of the many men who come to him for help with life – a man whisperer.” Finlay Young (Newsweek)

If you liked this article and want to read more follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

Also on insideMAN:

 

Making Men: Creating Rites Of Passage

by Leave a Comment

Ianto Doyle of Journeyman UK explains the work the charity does with men and boys.

—This is article #95  in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

“There are many things that constrain our lives, that limit us somehow, whether it be a family history, a genetic predisposition, a specific fault, or an omission that wounds us…I call these limits we did not choose, but that we must live with, “fate.” When we face our fate, we find our destiny, which is our soul’s destination in life. That which limits us has within it the seeds of that which can help us transcend our limitations. Through the exact twists of fate we find our own unique soul.”

Michael Meade.

Seven years ago I was initiated as a man at the age of 47. Initiation is an experience, within community, that marks an individual’s transition from one life stage to another, for example adolescence to adulthood or adulthood to elderhood . Initiations often bring up challenges of a psychological, emotional, physical and spiritual nature, as the person steps out of the everyday world into a sacred, loving and safe space, usually in nature. It is characterised by three stages, the separation from everyday life, a relevant ‘ordeal or trial’, and the return transformed to be welcomed back anew.

Everyone who goes through that inner ordeal gets something different from it; I was struck by a few things. I probably heard the word ‘man’ used in a positive light more times that weekend than the rest of my entire life put together. I was overwhelmed by the powerful and compassionate nature of the staff, and felt quite young. I was deeply challenged but safe to go very deep into myself. There were a lot of staff. I mean a lot. Way more than participants and I came away with the deep felt sense that the men had come for me at last! I had been waiting for 30 years for them to show up and show me how to be a man.

I thought I knew myself, I had done a lot of counselling, alternative this and that, I was smart, had thought about stuff, was emotionally literate blahh blahh – the stories I told myself! However I found out more about myself and grew I my ability to be a man more in one weekend than in years. When I returned home I dropped my female relate counsellor and faced into my dysfunctionality with a local men’s group – as never before, and faced into my greatness as never before too. This did not fix my life, it was more like being jump started so I could get to the garage, get some major repairs done and have my life get a bit more functional.

As my children entered the teenage years I got interested in teenagers. When we talk about the trouble with teens, or that we need to do something for our boys like give them a rites of passage, I reckon we are putting the cart before the horse. In Earl Hipps’ book Man Making he talks about how invisible teenage boys are, or if they are seen, it is with suspicion and fear. Have you ever walked by a gang of teenagers and looked at them that way? Earl suggests giving them a nod; then progress to an ‘alright?’. I gave it a go – nothing bad happened. In fact once a teenager was kicking off in a chip shop, so I said ‘alright, what’s happening?. He talked about the shit day he had had, it all calms down and we get our chips. We depart with a ‘laters’; it took 5 minutes. Another time, a rowdy gang at the outdoor pool crashed into my wife whilst playing a ball game very close to where people were lying on the grass. I talked him through how to apologise and make amends after he brushed it off initially and said an empty apology after hurting my wife.

Not that hard is it to show up for the teenagers – or is it?

To read part two of this article see: Initiating the boys and re-claiming our own teenage experiences 

—Picture credit: Hey Danielle

Journeyman UK is a mentoring charity, dedicated to supporting boys aged 13 to 17 to discover their unique potential and apply their gifts in service to themselves, each other and their community at large.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

How can we make this work ‘normal’?

by Leave a Comment

This is a question that often arises; how can we normalise non-religious, meaningful connection to the self, to the other, to nature, personal awareness, integrity, accountability, passion…? How do we help catch the fiery energy of adolescence and help young people to harness it for personal and moral development from the inside out? Without an enforced ‘you will / you must…’

I have yet to meet a young person who actually wants to be a young git!

A three way approach is needed to influence long term change; what I call Bottom up, Top down and Middle out.

Bottom up – we need community-led mentoring groups, that create their own unique mentoring approach whilst working with Journeyman’s central hub in order to be safe, well run, compliant and have good governance. These mentoring circles will be run by local groups of volunteers who show up for the teenagers in a structured way, whilst having the freedom to respond in the moment to the needs of the group and whatever issues/discussion points come up. These groups are not curriculum driven and have no outcomes other than to support the boys to develop a healthy sense of self, support them to make positive life choices and develop emotional literacy. .

Top Down – by affecting social policy, we can work to influence improved outcomes for children and young people in relation to their wellbeing. For example, we support campaigning to incorporate awareness and leadership programmes for every child as a core curriculum requirement in schools (see the Youth Leadership Trust, the Education Endowment Fund).Having Ofsted wanting evidence of young people engaged in circle time with adults, developing emotional intelligence and self-awareness, and marking stages of life through transition events would be a great step forward. This pushes against the inertia of business as usual, which is given a shove up the backside through regulation.

Middle Out – working with parents and carers, plus service providers, schools and colleges, supporting them to up their game and extend the spectrum of outcomes they work towards . Some schools are now posting meaningful outcomes alongside their Ofsted reports, in relation to well-being, happiness, inclusivity, social engagement, creativity and so on.

Sometimes we blame ‘them’, the authorities, for our own narrow, fearful behaviour. In my previous job as a Facilities Manager at a Steiner School, my school department was audited and when Ofsted came to our school it was praised for its healthy risk taking (iron ore smelting using clay and charcoal in the woods, fire jumping festivals, building projects, performing parts of plays in process, school trip in Scotland – deserted island survival). I was thanked by the inspector for allowing her to help me succeed in my part of the inspection. The school was praised for its healthy culture, social cohesion and healthy risk taking. We also successfully fought off the move to make computing in nursery school s compulsory, which has benefitted many young children.

This is where I learnt we need to ‘dance with the devil’, and that by working in partnership with authorities, you can become more efficient and robust as an organisation. . By entering the belly of the beast we effect more social change than staying on the outside being better than them. To do this, capacity needs to grow, and what better way than through increasing the numbers of local, grassroots mentoring groups?

So, are you called to play your part? And are you prepared to take the risk to go through what it will take, no matter what is fate throws up at you, so that you can embrace your destiny, and ‘dare to be great?’ Will you be the adult that made some small difference to a young person, and reap the rewards for them, yourself and our culture?

“Fate is the mistake that was meant to happen. It’s the accident that was no accident. I was a studious kid but also a troublemaker. My aunt asked what I was interested in, and I said, “History.” So she went to a bookstore — she may have been the first person in my family ever to go to a bookstore — and bought me a history book. As I was tearing off the wrapping paper, she said, “Oh, I got the wrong book. It’s a mistake. I’ll take it back.” But I saw Pegasus, the winged horse, flying across the cover and said, “No! I want this book.” It was Mythology, by Edith Hamilton, the first book I ever owned and the beginning of my understanding the world through a mythological point of view. There it was by mistake, by accident, by fate, on my thirteenth birthday: the book I needed to have.”

Michael Meade

Journeyman UK is a mentoring charity, dedicated to supporting boys aged 13 to 17 to discover their unique potential and apply their gifts in service to themselves, each other and their community at large.

Group mentoring circles for teenage boys

by Leave a Comment

Part 4 of 5….The men who step up to support teenage boys within a group mentoring circle create a supportive space where the boys can express feelings safely and freely. We share our journeys together and connect across the generations. As the men, we are not free to use the space to explore our own challenges, but to simply be authentically willing to share our stories as much as listen to theirs. Maybe a boy says he is having trouble with his mum. A mentor will likely ask if anyone else is having trouble with their mum. Most boys and men put up a hand. The boy sees he is not alone, and might say – ‘but you’re really old, how can you be having trouble with your mum’. We all laugh, and reinforce that we will all always have issues, and you are going to be okay – you can get through this just as we all continue to get through no matter how old we are.

It is in these circles where the men get to find value and worth, and see value and worth in the teenagers. It is a great antidote to becoming what Nick Clements calls an old git. It helps us stay connected to the young vibrant part of ourselves, and not take ourselves too seriously. In Nick’s book The New Ages of Men, he describes the major transitions (initiations) we go through from birth to death.

By consciously modelling our journey and sharing this with the teenagers they soak up a culture of mature, connected men in a lifelong process. We say to the men who staff the rites of passage and mentor the boys, ‘You need to be getting more out of this than you are putting in’. It’s about creating communities where the men feel a sense of belonging, where they can build long term trust in other men, where they can develop new skills that can serve them in their personal lives. We also ask ‘Who are we to initiate boys anyway?’ In truth, they initiate themselves; we are there to provide the safe, loving conditions where that may happen. In fact, who are we not to show up for the boys and provide the conditions where they can initiate themselves? Who are we not to stand by the next generation as they navigate towards adulthood?

In the mentoring circles we aspire to refrain from FRAPPing – Fixing, Rescuing, Advising, Projecting and Processing. We aspire to LAAMBing – Listening, Admiring, Accepting, Modelling and Blessing. Each circle may be attended by between 4 and 8 men and up to 12 boys.

During a session, the majority of time will be spent discussing areas such as relationships or peer pressure. Practical activities and games also feature, and we meet around a fire, every two weeks, out in nature. At present we are actively working with boys in Stroud, with emergent groups in Bristol and Totnes.

We follow a year long program, created by Boys to Men, that incorporates the annual rites of passage experience. This is a powerful weekend event that grounds the separation from childhood, and marks the boy’s onward journey from adolescence towards manhood. We also run more informal camps.

Meanwhile, we the men involved will be travelling our journey towards maturity and elder-hood. Supporting the next generation is probably one of the best ways to achieve that because of the trials and rewards this gives us.

‘Many traditional cultures believe that the true elders stay young at heart because they remain close to the dreams they had when they were young. In modern culture people try to change their outer appearance to look younger, but the role of the elder is to go deep inside, to stay in touch with the eternal as well as the sage in one’s heart. Aging is a biological process that happens to everyone. Everybody gets older, but not everybody gets to be an elder. Becoming an elder involves a lifelong awakening to and reflection upon the story embedded in one’s soul.’

Michael Meade

To read part five of this article see: How can we make this work ‘normal’? 

Journeyman UK is a mentoring charity, dedicated to supporting boys aged 13 to 17 to discover their unique potential and apply their gifts in service to themselves, each other and their community at large.

Leading by example

by Leave a Comment

Part 3 of 5……For me, putting the horse before the cart means that we give the most attention to the adults around the teenagers, rather than the teenagers themselves. We need to ensure that adults have the tools and support to understand their own behaviours, needs and motivations, and to model mature communication, the safe expression of vulnerability and conflict resolution techniques.

When we show up and commit to dealing with our patterns of wounding and unhealthy behaviours, and to building healthy relationships with others the rewards can be great. By entering into the fray we get to be better men, better husbands / partners, better fathers / carers, better people. Stronger, more compassionate men, creating a stronger community for our children to grow up into. As Jung stated:

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”

That’s the deal. There are many stories which show this; just try a search for the Native American story ‘Jumping Mouse’, have a read and ask yourself;

If you hear the great river will you go to find its calling far away from the safe village? Will you cross the plains with the buffalo’s hoofs thundering around your tiny body? Will you pay the price to help wolf remember who he is (you are)? Will you climb the mountain and, after becoming blind in service to a greater cause, face certain death? To be reborn anew and greater, to fly high in the sky as an eagle?

As Polly Higgins (End Ecocide in Europe), book is called ‘I Dare you to be Great’, knowing that it won’t happen easily, without pain, or without suffering. If we don’t, can we live with the worse pain and suffering of not fulfilling what we dream of or what we long for? The pain of being trapped in our wounds anew each day, never to find release from suffering?

I suggest it is less painful and more rewarding to face through our unconsciousness and become free from the suffering we create in ourselves and our lives. How does that happen then? I suppose for all of us, we have to at some point get over ourselves!

On one occasion, I was staffing a men’s initiation, and I shared a painful father issue with one of the event leaders. He turned to me and said: ‘There are three words that mostly fix issues like this’. I looked at him expectantly. ‘Do you want to hear them?’ he asked. I nodded. ‘Get over it.’ He checked my reaction, saw it had landed, and, with perfect timing, wandered off!

I did indeed get over my Dad not being the Dad that I had needed, but accepted he was the Dad I got. We became closer at the end of his life, and it was a beautiful peaceful death with his family around him. Even now he is dead, I feel him at my back as a stronger presence than in his alive life.

Of course, dealing with our childhood wounds requires huge amounts of self-compassion, it often involves ongoing counselling and therapeutic support, as well as the need for patient, loving support from those around us. My point is that it’s healthy for us to get to a place where we decide these wounds will not hold us back in life any longer, where we take responsibility for who we are and how we behave in the world, and where we recognise our role in being of service to our communities and the wider whole.

To read part four of this article see: group mentoring circles for teenage boys 

Journeyman UK is a mentoring charity, dedicated to supporting boys aged 13 to 17 to discover their unique potential and apply their gifts in service to themselves, each other and their community at large.

Initiating the boys and re-claiming our own teenage experiences

by Leave a Comment

Part 2 of 5….When the parents in my son’s class started talking about holding a rites of passage for boys, I asked if anyone had been initiated themselves, and sought to discover the skills and experience we had between us to create a meaningful event to mark the boys’ journeys towards adulthood. . There was little response, and, aside from a couple of the boys’ being confirmed within the Christian faith, the discussions came to nothing.

Around this time, an international mentoring and rites of passage organisation for adolescent boys, the Boys to Men Mentoring Network, was brought to the UK (later to be called ‘Journeyman UK’). This created a possibility to give my son what I never experienced – yet what I believe to be an essential part of helping boys (and girls) to become emotionally mature, resilient, accountable and confident adults. I was inspired to become a Journeyman mentor myself and to play a major role in the development and implementation of the organisation’s structure.

The charity runs group mentoring circles in a community setting every two weeks and an annual rite of passage event. It also delivers a unique training course that re-connects men to their own teenage experiences.

By experiencing this training, I was able to become clearer on some of the difficulties I had been dragging around since that age. The course helped me to reflect on how best to support adolescent boys and to understand what to do if difficult emotions from my own teenage years came to the surface. This involved approaches like not trying to rescue the boys from experiencing challenging emotions, and not giving them unsolicited advice. The main thing I got was to reconnect with my own teenage experience, which meant I could be around my own children and other teenagers in a clearer better way.

Our own adolescence is more often than not full of stories of pain, loneliness, fear, violence, abuse, sadness, being cut down, self-harm, drugs and alcohol, being bullied or being the bully. Experiences that led to so much suffering. No wonder we don’t want to be around teenagers as adults. All that past pain is triggered and then projected onto those kids out there now. And many experiences of wonder and great fruitfulness can become obscured and need bringing into the light of awareness.

Sadly the wounding that many adults experienced in childhood is often passed on to their children. We isolate them, are violent towards them, abuse them, cut them down, blame them, belittle them, don’t big them up, bully them and feel bullied by them. As a parent I lived through what was described by Alice Miller’s ‘For your own good’. I treated my own son as I had been, violently in family and culture, and those very words ‘it’s for your own good’ or ‘he needs to be taught a lesson’ were used. This caused a lot of upset in my home and my wife was angry with the way I treated my son…and so the cycle continued. The chain-breaking antidote? To own it, to face into what had happened to me and to decide wholeheartedly that it stops here, with me and the way I choose to be as a Father. With support from my men’s group and others this has been possible.

As for my daughter and wife, well …that’s another story; let’s say I faced into the long history of misogyny and sexual messed-up-ness that was pickled into my core from a working class northern background. I discovered SLAA, co-dependency, boundaries, shadow work, Byron Katie, women’s work, and more.

I had always had strong female partners and I treated my daughter accordingly, encouraging her to enjoy carpentry, be practical (‘you are a builder’s daughter!’) and to be physical as much as playing with dolls…..which she also did! . As she got older we had many robust scraps, where I passed on my martial arts skills, and encouraged her to be powerful and self-reliant. Equally, having a Steiner education enabled my son to learn how to knit, sing, act and do free running, staff fighting, arts and crafts. Both did maths and science, ethics and moral studies. Maybe my mum was an early feminist; she reckoned her three sons should cook and clean as much as her daughter, I figured likewise.

So our problem is not the boys, or the girls …..It’s us!

To read part three of this article see: leading by example.

 Journeyman UK is a mentoring charity, dedicated to supporting boys aged 13 to 17 to discover their unique potential and apply their gifts in service to themselves, each other and their community at large.

Shaming and Blessing

by Leave a Comment

Part 3 of 4….ultimately it’s not about blame or shame or right or wrong. It’s about blessing.

In her phenomenally popular TED Talk, sociologist Brene Brown says about shame:

‘Shame is the fear of disconnection. We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging. Connection, along with love and belonging (two expressions of connection), is why we are here, and it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Shame is the fear of disconnection —it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. I’m not worthy or good enough for love, belonging, or connection. I’m unlovable. I don’t belong. Here’s the definition of shame that emerged from my research:’

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”.

And in men (and I suspect women, too) it is an epidemic and drives most of their behaviour until they really grow up and move into a secure sense of themselves.

The un-integrated and often destructive masculine archetypal energies of the King (+tyrant / -weakling) Warrior (+sadist / -masochist) Magician (+detached manipulator / -denying innocent) and Lover (+addict / -impotent) aspects of the male soul are free roaming whilst the more mature forms are virtually non-existent in the culture.  Blessing and generativity, commitment and determination, intuitive insight and complex reasoning, appreciation of beauty and relationality seem to be drowning under a tidal wave of violence or passivity.

If we look at any news report, popular video games, the media etc. we see one of two things: the tendency toward violence (externalised expressions of inappropriate aggression toward others) or a tendency toward passivity (internalisation of inappropriate aggression toward ourselves), described by John Lee as ‘the compulsion to perpetuate that which we say we do not want’.

These polarity forces need the proactive and fierce loving intervention of developed adult males. During adolescence boys are prone to being supercharged by flooding testosterone. It is not women’s work to address this…it’s nothing personal but woman simply cannot do it and if they make an attempt they will defer the move toward adulthood.

Presently young men are not in any way culturally blessed, that is to say, they are not aligned with or affirmed as being a valuable and a needed part of society beyond their ability to provide, for which they are groomed and recognised. Moreover they do not see adult men acting in healthy ways toward each other…the message, crudely put is ‘if your not in competition you’re no one’.

It may be a gross generalisation but these simple things are in essence the source of male suicide, imprisonment, violence and educational failure –young males have no societal place, no healthy models, vastly different needs from girls in regards education, nurturing and self-expression that are simply not met and in fact are crushed with hostility. We all know this.

Rather, we feed our boys and young men a toxic cocktail of media violence and shadow heroics. And before we assume that people are bad…that is rarely the case, more often these needs have not been met in them, they are simply following the crowd, ignorant of the unseen forces that run their lives.

Read part four of this article here: So how could it be different?

 

Paul Howell offers personal coaching and counselling, training and facilitation, and workshops for men at Clarity Coaching.

‘If you don’t initiate your young men into the tribe, they will burn down the village’

by 1 Comment

There is an African proverb that says, if you do not initiate your young men into the tribe, they will come back and burn down the village just to feel the heat. Are we seeing the consequences in the UK of a failure to provide our young men with a proper path to manhood? Here Peter Chaplin, who organises male rites of passage retreats, explains what this ancient tradition means to him.

— This is article #29 in our #100Voices4Men and boys series

It’s a 500-mile drive from where I live in Surrey to Perth, Scotland, where the annual Men’s Rites of Passage event takes place. The long journey is part of the process for most of us – the separation from work, cars, supermarkets, families, wifi. The road rises after Preston on the M6 and that’s where I feel the distance beginning to have an effect. By the time I arrive, I’ve forgotten how long I’ve been travelling.

When I finally turn the engine off and hand over my keys, phone, books and music, it’s to spend five days under canvas in a field in company with 45 other men, who are also scratching their heads and wondering what they’ve let themselves in for.

Reframing a man’s life

My turn came in 2010, and it was a memorable journey back into a fuller appreciation of the eldership of mature men, something so badly lacking in the west.  Most of us have no initiations for such moments. Granted, we can be confirmed by our local bishop (a bit of a milk-and-water affair, as I recall) if we’re in a mainstream church, or can go through initiations in military and sometimes in sporting environments.  We go through rites of passage when we are named, married, produce children and die, but nowhere else.

But the rites of passage was very male, very masculine, full of power, passion, failure, humour and brokenness, grief and release. It was earthy and humane, carried a recognition of the inevitability of loss and a reframing of the second half of a man’s life in which the graph levels out and starts to turn south, the time when fighting and striving stop.

I and the men around me found a safe space to confront and experience our failures and griefs among a team of elders who had taken the same journey earlier. Our feet were gently held to the fire, so to speak. It’s not a retreat, and it’s not therapy either. We didn’t have to negotiate any language with women, or apologize for the parts of ourselves that we hide from them.

Bad traditions need to be retired, but having no traditions at all seems to me to be much worse

There’s even more need for this type of eldering/mentoring for adolescents. It’s a challenge to devise meaningful rituals for young men to bring them into conscious and competent manhood. There’s an old African saying that if we don’t do this, the young men will come back and burn down the village. Isn’t that what’s happening right now all over the west? Young men don’t know who they are – though it’s not so surprising, since we as their fathers don’t really know either.

We have cast aside the old ways and the wisdoms of our ancestors without a second’s thought, all in the name of individual rights, self-expression, my freedom, all of which are good and necessary things. Bad traditions need to be retired, but having no traditions at all seems to me to be much worse.

On the way home, we find out later, most men say little or nothing, and when asked at home how it went, they say “I don’t really know what to tell you.” Weeks later it can be the same. For that short space of time up in Perth, these men, many for the first time, got outside their heads and into something altogether deeper and less tameable by language and thought. Sometimes their partners just nod and smile and wait for clues to begin leaking out, for conversations they’ve longed for over many years. Something has changed that they recognise before we do.

To find out more visit the Men’s Rites of Passage website here.

Photo: Flickr/Michael Pollack

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not necessarily the views of the insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com. 

Why are some young men drawn to terrorism?

by 3 Comments

By David Plummer, Griffith University. This article was originally published on The Conversation. 

Recent coverage of counterterrorism raids in Australia featured hard-core gyms, anabolic steroids, nightclub bouncers, gangs and weapons. Footage from the Middle East regularly depicts truckloads of young bearded warriors bristling with ordnance.

Is this a view of masculinity that merely happens to be violent? Or does masculinity actively underwrite and sustain extremist movements?

The paradox is that while the world sees extremism as dangerously anti-social, the men themselves appear to see it as a profound social duty.

They exhibit dogmatic conformity to group social norms, they see an opportunity for masculine notoriety and to have a risky “boy’s own” adventure. Above all, they see it as the ultimate demonstration of manhood.

Understanding how this occurs should be a top priority – especially how young boys go down the path of terror – because this understanding ultimately paves the way for interventions, de-escalation and peace.

From quiet kid, to terrorist warrior

A number of alternative explanations exist for the prominence of hypermasculine imagery in reports of terrorism. The imagery may well reflect Western media biases and serve the propaganda purposes of Western governments. That is to say, the reports largely speak to Western cultural viewpoints and political agendas.

While this may well be the case, there is clearly much more to the story. It is also possible that hypermasculinity is a side-effect of the posturing of war. But this merely reinforces the view that masculinity is indeed a potent force at work here.

In addition to obvious hypermasculine imagery, three other features strike a chord with my own research:

  • First is the youth of the recruits, including many teenagers
  • Second is the transformation from quiet kid into terrorist warrior – think “lone wolf”
  • Third is the way that young men identify with a cause and affiliate with extremist groups

These features – young male, group identification, transformation into warrior – have much in common with, and should draw our attention to, the more familiar rites of passage that mark the transition from childhood to manhood.

The Boy Scouts is one way many Western countries have imparted masculine ideals to boys. Freeparking/Flickr, CC BY

The transition from boyhood to manhood is a crucial time in boys’ lives. Becoming a man is the ultimate social endorsement and personal accomplishment.

Most boys apply themselves to the task without question. In part, this is because the change seems so normal and because they rightly sense that failure is associated with some of the deepest social taboos of all.

Most cultures, including those in the West, have limited tolerance for members who “deviate” from accepted gender norms. For all intents and purposes becoming a man is compulsory.

Initiation to manhood invariably involves confronting fear

For most, becoming a man seems natural, probably because it appears to stem from the biological changes of puberty. But there are actually many pathways to manhood and many possible outcomes. The natural “feel” is deceptive.

There is plenty of research that shows that masculinity is highly variable and above all is a social achievement, which is largely independent of biology.

Different societies define manhood very differently: they define what a “real man” is, set the standards that boys ought to aspire to, and orchestrate the transition to manhood through a variety of mechanisms.

Indeed, becoming a man is potentially so variable that anthropologist David Gilmore reminds us that:

Boys have to be encouraged, sometimes actually forced, by social sanctions to undertake efforts toward a culturally defined manhood, which by themselves they might not do.

Traditional societies seem to have addressed the uncertainties in the transition to manhood by developing initiation rituals to guide young men through. These rituals typically entail some form of risky challenge, which boys use to prove their manhood and to earn the right to be called a man.

The boys always underwent initiation under the guidance of older mentors and in the company of their peers. The rituals served to make the transition orderly, meaningful and invested it with shared social purpose.

Boys teaching boys

Modern-day social change has witnessed a decline in all but the most basic rites of passage. Yet becoming a man is as important as always, and the transition to manhood remains very challenging.

This raises the question: how do boys navigate the transition now? I argue that many boys now invent their own rites of passage.

Research in the West Indies showed that social change has led to a loss of older mentors from boys’ lives due to long working hours and commuting times, fewer men in teaching, suspicion about men in youth clubs, changing family structures and so on.

These shifts have left a power vacuum that is vulnerable to exploitation. Boys are spending more time in the sole company of their peers: on street corners, in shopping malls and in their cars.

Instead of growing up with the role models and standards of older, more experienced men, most of their role modelling comes from peer groups. In the absence of alternatives, these groups resort to raw physical masculinity as the yardstick for what masculinity should look like, how boys should behave and who should dominate.

Terrorism as a passage to manhood

They also develop their own rituals to admit members, some of which are extreme, anti-social and high-risk. It is a willingness to take risks that is considered the hallmark of a “real man”.

So how does this relate to terror? Hypermasculine imagery is prominent in the media. Terror recruits are young, group-affiliated and primed to take risks. They are supposedly disaffected and therefore susceptible to mentoring by like-minded peers and older men, whose motives differ from those of their parents and community.

There are key similarities with classic rites of passage and key parallels with my own work on masculinity elsewhere. The social pressures and events around the transition to manhood are especially susceptible to exploitation.

It is difficult not to conclude that masculinity is a key force that underwrites and sustains extremism. In terrorism, we are witnessing a very specific configuration of the passage to manhood.

David Plummer does not work for, consult to, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has no relevant affiliations.

Read the original article.

Photo: Flickr/DVIDSHUB

If you liked this article and want to read more, follow us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook

Also on insideMAN:

How are men like crabs?

by Leave a Comment

Professor Nick Clements is an expert in male rites of passage. Here he offers an insight into his work guiding men through rites of passage.

—This is article #3 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

I am very fortunate, the work I do is my passion and it serves a purpose in the wider community. One aspect of my work is to guide men through rites of passage. I find the best way of describing the process is to compare ourselves metaphorically to a crab. All crabs eventually grow too large for their exoskeleton, and the very thing which protects, and is its’ identity, becomes restrictive and harmful.

The crab recognises this and realises it needs to shed the shell, and grow a new one. This must be done wholeheartedly, every part of it needs to be renewed. During this change, the crab becomes soft, not hard, and vulnerable. It will often hide under a stone. After a while the crab can once again go out into the world. We all undertake such a process many times in our lives.

The significance of rites of passage was recognised by our ancestors, and by indigenous people all round the world. My job is to help facilitate such change to occur for men in a way that is relevant to today, and to accompany people on their journey. We think of teenagers and the transition of boy to man as the most important rite.

Training men to be role models

Presently we are expecting most of our teens to do this work on their own, without guidance from the older generations. We need courageous older men to help them on their way, and I am running such a training programme for the male staff at ‘Kids Company’. Male role models should have put themselves through a rite of passage before doing the same to the teenagers.

Most of this training deals with the transition from being self-centred to becoming community conscious. A lot of this work is with men between the ages of 40 and 60. Many have been successful in the material world, but as they mature they feel their achievements have little significance. As a consequence they seek to become of value to the wider community, to ‘put something back’. Such a change of mindset is very welcome in our present selfish culture.

Often this change can come about by understanding the story of ‘Zorba the Buddha’ from Osho. As Zorba, the man enjoys the material world, he fights, dances, womanises and drinks. After a while he becomes dissatisfied with this lifestyle. As Osho says ‘only a very mediocre mind can go on being happy with it’. So, he looks up from the earth to the sky, but he doesn’t forget his roots. ‘Live in this world, because this world gives ripening, maturity, integrity. The challenges of this world give you a centering, an awareness. And that awareness becomes the ladder. Then you can move from Zorba to Buddha.’

These mature men are on a personal journey through vulnerability, grief and emotional intelligence, and by doing so they are able to support teenagers in a valuable way. Not expecting the boys to become superheroes, but enabling them to find their passion, witnessing the teenagers’ struggle, and praising their bravery and courage. This is how community can be created.

 —Picture credit: Flickr/Mark Roy

Nick Clements is an author, consultant and workshop leader using creativity to address social and environmental problems. His unique techniques enable thousands of people to move through personal development to recognise their benefit for the wider community. His work remains a benchmark in his field, in recognition of his outstanding contribution he was made a Visiting Lecturer at Staffordshire University in 2009.

He has written three books on creativity, and three books on male rites of passage, and is available to facilitate groups and workshops on such issues.He is hosting a series of pop-up conferences on masculinity for men and women, called ‘REAL MEN’. For more information on his work and the conferences: www.nick-clements.com.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

You can join the #100Voices4Men discussion by commenting below; by following us on Twitter @insideMANmag and Facebook or by emailing insideMANeditor@gmail.com.